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Lots and lots of money.
February 24, 2008 7:59 PM   Subscribe

David Horvitz will do things for money.

Though I really doubt anyone will send money for the larger things, the things he offers are pretty interesting.
posted by flatluigi (92 comments total) 19 users marked this as a favorite

 
That Perth one is a rip-off. The antipodes of New York is underwater.
posted by pompomtom at 8:14 PM on February 24, 2008


4. PROFIT!
posted by Balisong at 8:14 PM on February 24, 2008


This guy, I'm thinking he doesn't work much. He offers to do some pretty neat things, though. I might use his site for travel ideas.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 8:15 PM on February 24, 2008


I'll do it all for $5 less.
posted by oddman at 8:16 PM on February 24, 2008 [4 favorites]


Boy, this sounds like more trouble than a moose on the interstate.

(Cutaway to a guy driving on the interstate, he sees a moose holding a sign that says "Will do moose stuff for money")

Moose: Hey, can ya help me out? I'm trying to get a couple of bucks for something to eat.
Man: What's "Moose Stuff"?
Moose: Eh, whatever you want it to be. I could have sex with ya, or I could just stand over there and drink from the lake, and everything in between.
Man: ... Get in.
posted by Effigy2000 at 8:19 PM on February 24, 2008 [16 favorites]


The $100 one might be more interesting if he also registered each bill with www.wheresgeorge.com
posted by blaneyphoto at 8:23 PM on February 24, 2008


Genius or insanity? Or both?

Either way, I love it.
posted by Avenger at 8:24 PM on February 24, 2008


I'm all for someone else paying him to do all these things.
posted by brain_drain at 8:26 PM on February 24, 2008 [2 favorites]


Seems like a decent way to get a free vacation.
posted by T.D. Strange at 8:32 PM on February 24, 2008


If you give me $5 i will write down a secret and mail it to you. NOTE: I am not one to keep secrets. If you buy this, you may receive something that is really serious and may be upsetting, so please keep that in mind.

oddman, I sent you $0. You owe me a secret.
posted by procrastination at 8:34 PM on February 24, 2008 [13 favorites]


If you give me $45,000 I will go to New Jersey and bury a dead racehorse. Sorry about not including a picture, but I figured most people would have a certain horse in mind for this. Don't worry, I've done this before!
posted by Smart Dalek at 8:34 PM on February 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


If you give me $1 I will sit in silence and think about you for one minute. I will send you an email when I start this, and I'll send you another email when I'm done.

oddman, you owe me $4 and two emails.
posted by i love cheese at 8:37 PM on February 24, 2008 [5 favorites]


At first, I thought it said David "Horowitz," and was bewildered.
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 8:45 PM on February 24, 2008 [5 favorites]


If you add me as a contact I'll send you a Mefi mail telling you that you are the coolest person in the world and I was just lying to all the other people I told that to before you.
posted by backseatpilot at 8:46 PM on February 24, 2008


If you favorite this comment I'll send you a mushy MeFi mail love note, possibly with integral equations in them.
posted by onalark at 8:53 PM on February 24, 2008 [85 favorites]


No, David Horowitz whores himself out with much less creativity.
posted by wendell at 8:56 PM on February 24, 2008


David Horvitz & the world's oldest profession
posted by spock at 9:00 PM on February 24, 2008


i'll give you 20 bucks if you shovel my driveway.
posted by brandz at 9:01 PM on February 24, 2008


I sent him $5 and he wrote back that he wasn't doing any of the stuff he said he was, but I'm supposed to keep it secret.
posted by tremspeed at 9:01 PM on February 24, 2008 [7 favorites]


If you give me $1.25, I'll buy a soda.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 9:01 PM on February 24, 2008


This is what the internet should be.
posted by dersins at 9:01 PM on February 24, 2008 [5 favorites]


NOTE: Some people have been having problems paying. While for others it is working fine

Count me in the former.
posted by mattoxic at 9:11 PM on February 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


I love this.
posted by Ynoxas at 9:15 PM on February 24, 2008


If you give me a dollar I will give you four quarters.
posted by blue_beetle at 9:19 PM on February 24, 2008


I'm content reading about what some people will do for free, like getting fucked in the ass by a boar.
posted by Tube at 9:19 PM on February 24, 2008 [4 favorites]


if you give me a thousand, i will teach you a lesson about trusting people you've never met
posted by pyramid termite at 9:22 PM on February 24, 2008 [8 favorites]


WHAT. THE. FUCK!?
posted by Citizen Premier at 9:26 PM on February 24, 2008 [2 favorites]


I'm content reading about what some people will do for free, like getting fucked in the ass by a boar.

You know, to me, this seemed unnecessarily crude.
posted by lattiboy at 9:27 PM on February 24, 2008 [3 favorites]


"if you give me $3,143 I will go as far away as possible"

Makes me wish it was David Horowitz.
posted by maryh at 9:28 PM on February 24, 2008 [2 favorites]


Hmm... I think he's forgotten he's in a buyer's market. There are plenty of people out there who'll do practically anything for the precious currency of attention. Better to appear to have started doing stuff that random netizens have suggested, then whack some ads on your site and a paypal account for 'donations'. At the moment he comes over as a shill, and not even an interesting one.
posted by RokkitNite at 9:30 PM on February 24, 2008


WHAT. THE. FUCK!?

Er, hi Dave.
posted by flatluigi at 9:31 PM on February 24, 2008


Timid souls: if you pay my way, I will go with you to any of these places, help carry your luggage, save you from being the only one eating alone at restaurants, and take the kinks out of your shoulders (and no lower) at the end of the day before we retire to separate rooms. You can pick up your own fucking star-sand. Deal?
posted by pracowity at 9:33 PM on February 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


If you give me $1000, I will go to his home and make fun of him, noting most specifically that someone gave me $1000 instead of him.

An extra $25 buys you a noogie.

Paypal email's in the profile.
posted by klangklangston at 9:43 PM on February 24, 2008 [2 favorites]


I'm content reading about what some people will do for free, like getting fucked in the ass by a boar.

"Hey, would you get fucked in the ass by a boar for $10,000?"

"Oh yes, I'd pay any amount of money to get fucked in the ass by a boar."
posted by Mr. President Dr. Steve Elvis America at 9:44 PM on February 24, 2008


At first, I thought it said David "Horowitz," and was bewildered.

freshwater_pr0n, I thought it was David "Horowitz" right up until reading your post so I was *extra* bewildered! The comments here were spinning me out. Thanks for the heads-up.
posted by uncanny hengeman at 9:59 PM on February 24, 2008


I think it's clever and fun, but if you send me $100 CDN I will pretend to agree otherwise.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:00 PM on February 24, 2008


If you give me $0.24 I wil train to autofellate myself, while naked, curled up in a ball on a bed of nails.

I will then arrive at your workplace, on a day of your choice, dressed as Chewbacca. I will approach your least favorite colleague. I will be carrying a boombox playing various remixes (happy hardcore, cumbia, afrobeat, maria carey, boyzone, london philarmonic) of the star wars theme music. I will boogie around him/her sensously slowly stripping to said music. As a finale, I will perform the above naked-self-blowjob (on the bed of nails you have smuggled in and placed by his/her cubicle) while I alternately hum and sing (timing dependent on level of excitement crowd displays, attractiveness of coworker, sharpness of nails) the music from the ewoks-frolicking-in-the-forest scene from star wars VI. Afterwards, law-enforcement permitting, there shall be tea and crumpets.


Only form of payment accepted one postage stamp.
posted by lalochezia at 10:02 PM on February 24, 2008 [10 favorites]


I like this idea.

Hell, if you paypal me $5 and your snailmail address, I will write something on a piece of paper and send it to you. I'll try to make it nice.
posted by dobbs at 10:14 PM on February 24, 2008


I will pay the snarkiest person on metafilter $5.00 to just post nice, sweet things for a day.
posted by mecran01 at 10:17 PM on February 24, 2008


for $0 david horvitz will let me link to his image of a side of youtube we have been missing
posted by soma lkzx at 10:18 PM on February 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


I will pay the snarkiest person on metafilter $5.00 to just post nice, sweet things for a day.

I'm far from the snarkiest person on Metafilter, but I would jump on this, if you decided you had a lot more $5s to burn.

I could even guarantee you five (5) supportive AskMe answers.
posted by Mr. President Dr. Steve Elvis America at 10:21 PM on February 24, 2008


If you send me $100, I will eat Ramen Noodles and Kraft Mac & Cheese for a month.

If you send me $200, I will buy a new television and send you documentation of me beating Guitar Hero on it. $300 to be beaten on expert.

If you take my law school exams for me, I will spend the months of April and May sleeping in late and masturbation. Documentation will not be provided.

For $200 plus legal fees, I will strip naked and douse myself in Jagermeister at a public speech by Pres. Mamoud Amadinijad in Iran. If I die in this attempt, payment must be made in double to my next of kin.
posted by Navelgazer at 10:24 PM on February 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


I will also go on a vacation and get you a souvenir if you pay for my vacation.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:03 PM on February 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


I will take your law school exams if you sleep in and masturbate and don't mind that I'm not particularly good at them. I have documentation.
posted by allen.spaulding at 11:27 PM on February 24, 2008


This guy is kind of a douche. And he's ruining the mail.
posted by PostIronyIsNotaMyth at 11:37 PM on February 24, 2008


lalochezia: I have already seen someone fellate himself on a bed of nails at a former place of employment. And I didn't have to pay a dime.

You're going to have to do better than that.
posted by louche mustachio at 11:45 PM on February 24, 2008


Man, I sure could do with an envelope. And at $3, it's a bargain.
posted by grouse at 12:07 AM on February 25, 2008


If you favourite this post, I will spend a fraction of a second thinking what a sucker you are for favouriting this post.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:28 AM on February 25, 2008 [3 favorites]


If he gives me $1000, I'll pretend it's the year 2000 when this kind of thing was clever and original.
posted by rhymer at 1:41 AM on February 25, 2008 [1 favorite]


He also wrote a book called Xiu Xiu: The Polaroid Project (ooh, Grady Harp gave it 5 stars!) about the band Xiu Xiu. He has some interesting photos at his Flickr account.
posted by Locative at 1:56 AM on February 25, 2008


Just for, uh, reference, how many David Horvitz's do you think there are? If you give my $28.67 I will find out and provide documentation.
posted by From Bklyn at 2:29 AM on February 25, 2008 [1 favorite]


-I think it's clever and fun-
Yep. I laughed. Thanks flatluigi.
posted by peacay at 2:54 AM on February 25, 2008


Reminds me of Miranda July, sort of. Like he read the assignments on learning to love you more and decided he could make some money that way.
posted by hooray at 2:56 AM on February 25, 2008


$20,000. It's against the law to say that. You know what.

This guy's a diverting nothing.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 3:02 AM on February 25, 2008


Kinda reminds me of Kenny in that episode of South Park where he'd do anything (eat his own vomit, climb inside a woman via her vagina, etc) for money. Except that Kenny was willing to do far more interesting things, for a lot less money.
posted by jamstigator at 3:14 AM on February 25, 2008


If you give me $5, I will register a metafilter account and make a shitty single-link youtube FPP.
posted by tehloki at 3:27 AM on February 25, 2008 [2 favorites]


he lives in new york and his rent is only $630? vive le rent control!
posted by msconduct at 3:43 AM on February 25, 2008


Onalark: I'm waaaaaiiiiting.
posted by farishta at 3:56 AM on February 25, 2008


re: sending photographs. Ten points and a silver star says this guy has already done most of these things or in some other way has acquired the photographs he needs to send as "proof."

Wouldn't any sane person just keep the money and do these things themselves?
posted by es_de_bah at 4:26 AM on February 25, 2008


but a sane person wouldn't be an artist!
posted by ubiquity at 4:49 AM on February 25, 2008


Holy shit, Locative! I saw the letter of apology to Jamie Stewart, and I was going to make a crack about it being the same Jamie Stewart that's in Xiu Xiu, but it looks like it very well may be.

I'll be really disappointed if the letter of apology is anything other than, "Dear Jamie Stewart, I'm sorry I cremated you after I came on your lips."
posted by Greg Nog at 4:53 AM on February 25, 2008


I am impressed by the tiny (sometimes zero) profit margin on these things. Some of them are basically being done on an expenses only basis. Others, like the $105 to distribute $99 signed dollar bills and send documentation to you seem to me to be ridiculously cheap -- i figure about 50 cents an hour for that one. If you accept that the guy is an artist, and his products are art, this is dirt cheap. Grab some now before he's discovered!
posted by ubiquity at 4:53 AM on February 25, 2008


I would gladly fly to Australia and send you a photo for expenses only. The difference is that while Horvitz would do it for the art, I would do it for the lulz.
posted by grouse at 4:56 AM on February 25, 2008


$2,443 to rent a car and drive around Iceland? I think David underpriced that one a bit.
posted by googly at 5:26 AM on February 25, 2008


The web page itself is art with a message. The message is, "What is wrong with you if you would consider paying someone to fly to Japan and send you some sand to prove it. Just fly to Japan yourself. And while your at it, maybe there's someone you owe and apology to. And maybe someone out on the street who could use a meal. Real life is a performance art!"

Send me the money to do any of these things plus and SASE and I'll send you back your voided check with a note saying, "Do it yourself you pathetic fuck!"
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 6:40 AM on February 25, 2008 [7 favorites]


es_de_bah, congratulations. You missed the point.
posted by craven_morhead at 7:35 AM on February 25, 2008


I'm intrigued by "If you give me $5 i will write down a secret and mail it to you." I can see myself paying for that.
posted by callmejay at 9:58 AM on February 25, 2008


Farishta, holy crap. I just woke up and I've got like 50 to write. Let me do them after I get back from classes tonight. If you don't get one by tomorrow you can call me out in MetaTalk.
posted by onalark at 10:20 AM on February 25, 2008


Fortunes for a quarter. I love quarters.
posted by anazgnos at 11:35 AM on February 25, 2008


I was going to make a crack about it being the same Jamie Stewart that's in Xiu Xiu, but it looks like it very well may be.

Yes, Horvitz is the tour manager for Xiu Xiu. Other than that it doesn't look like he does very much but not work, take bad pictures, beg strangers for money, and hang out with attractive young women.

In other words, a pretty cool life.
posted by dgaicun at 11:49 AM on February 25, 2008 [1 favorite]


Oh, the SASE ogre. I remember the SASE ogre. If you sent in your letter without and SASE, well, what the ogre did with it wasn't pretty...
posted by eclectist at 12:01 PM on February 25, 2008


Kid Charlemagne, please MeMail me your snail-mail address.
posted by grouse at 12:04 PM on February 25, 2008


This is a truly great post.
posted by not_on_display at 12:12 PM on February 25, 2008


For $5 I'll stop thinking about you constantly. For $3 I'll at least think about you with clothes on.
posted by Durhey at 1:25 PM on February 25, 2008


For $5 I'll pray to a God I barely believe in for your sweet release into death.
posted by klangklangston at 1:54 PM on February 25, 2008


How far you think we could get him on a trip to somewhere if we pooled?
posted by eritain at 2:27 PM on February 25, 2008


Eritain, he lives in NYC, so I'm thinking that with our collected riches, we could get him smack-dab in the middle of Connecticut.
posted by houseofdanie at 2:55 PM on February 25, 2008


I regret making a gratuitously vulgar comment earlier in this thread.

I don't find what David Horvitz is selling to be valuable.
posted by Tube at 3:50 PM on February 25, 2008


At first, I thought it said David "Horowitz," and was bewildered.

At first I thought it said David Horowitz and was not the least bit surprised.
posted by Infinite Jest at 4:35 PM on February 25, 2008


I'll say "thank you" and offer a beer if we ever meet if someone can teach me what the fuck Twitter could possibly be useful for for anyone over the age of 18.
posted by Ynoxas at 5:14 PM on February 25, 2008


onalark writes hawt love notes. *fans face and blushes
posted by nickyskye at 6:27 PM on February 25, 2008


Oh, man. I actually saw this guy dragging his mop across the Williamsburg Bridge in the middle of the night. I passed him on my bike, gave him a nod. I remember thinking that he was probably a Pratt student working on a project.
posted by dkg at 7:21 PM on February 25, 2008


Thanks nickyskye, I got 40 or so notes done tonight and I'll tackle the rest tomorrow when my advisor's not looking :)
posted by onalark at 9:52 PM on February 25, 2008


onalark is a man (woman?) of their word.

That is all.
posted by Ynoxas at 7:01 AM on February 26, 2008


he lives in NYC, so I'm thinking that with our collected riches, we could get him smack-dab in the middle of Connecticut.

We don't want him. But thanks.
posted by spinturtle at 12:30 PM on February 26, 2008


If you give $10.000, I will stop smoking for good. And I will send you some receipts of things i
buy instead of smoking, and i will send you a picture of me, not smoking...
posted by lungs at 12:53 AM on February 27, 2008


Bah! I'm hitting message-sending limits on Metafilter, so some of you are just gonna have to wait until Mathowamyntex tells me I can send messages again.
posted by onalark at 8:04 PM on February 27, 2008


HAHA! I just got a twisted AWESOME email from some PERVERT ANGEL on Metafilter...I totally asked for it! It was all I hoped for and more. Best love letter EVAR.
posted by iamkimiam at 9:35 PM on February 27, 2008


Okay, I think I sent a message to everybody who favorited that comment, but if you didn't get something from me, umnnn, let me know and I'll get right on it :)
posted by onalark at 11:59 PM on February 27, 2008


Oh is that what that was about? Rats. I thought I was being hit on.
posted by Devils Rancher at 9:59 AM on February 28, 2008


A careful investigation of your time logs will reveal that I sent you that love note four hours before you favorited my comment, big guy ;-)
posted by onalark at 7:18 AM on February 29, 2008


Oh, schweet! Internet romance! (No, I don't want "cyber." I mean WTF, rite?)
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:20 AM on February 29, 2008


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