The curious habits of the Mall Ninja

February 29, 2008 12:01 PM

The Mall Ninja is easily distinguished by an abundance of “tactical” gear, such as fatigues, a thigh holster (with, of course, a Glock), combat boots, bandolier and other accouterments. Read the collected stories of the the Rapid Tactical Force at one of America’s largest indoor retail shopping areas! Marvel at their cunning equipment selection (such as duct taped trauma plates) and learn from their battles with the dreaded mall gangs.
posted by clockworkjoe (58 comments total)

I hate clicking on links only to find that it is a blog. Makes me wonder if you are getting your 3 cents for directly traffic or something.
posted by 45moore45 at 12:03 PM on February 29

I am the Sergeant of a three-man Rapid Tactical Force at one of America’s largest indoor retail shopping areas.

-chortle-
posted by Dr-Baa at 12:19 PM on February 29

[This is good]

About halfway through it, you realize: someone is writing a "choose your own adventure" on a gun forum, to everyone's benefit. Very, very funny stuff.
posted by blixco at 12:19 PM on February 29

Yep. I agree--totally worth reading.
posted by Squid Voltaire at 12:31 PM on February 29

Well, you've finally reached it. The terminus of the Al Gore's Internet. There's really nothing else worth looking up, so you might as well stop here and take up a hobby. Perhaps synchronized swimming. It's really time for that one to make a comeback.

In truth, you're here because you're running Internet Explorer. Explorer is a poorly-coded, bloated product that cannot display pages according to commonly-documented and accepted standards, and Microsoft continues to ignore the developer community in favor of proprietary misfeatures. What's more, its security problems are legion.

You really should have switched to Firefox or one of the free, more robust and more efficient alternatives by now. By all means, come back once you have done so. You will not land here, but on my main page, which is perfectly valid CSS, and just so happens to the second-to-last page on the internet.

Screw you and your snarky blockage of internet explorer... and your little dog too.
posted by cmdnc0 at 12:32 PM on February 29 [1 favorite]

Damn it! My buddy sent me this earlier and I wanted to finish reading it before I posted it. Ah well, I snoozed, I losed.

I love this line though:

"If Plan A is to take multiple .338 shots to the back, you really need to come up with a Plan B.”

Because I can imagine myself, under the right circumstances, typing those exact same words in an AskMe.

Meanwhile, my ass is one the line so your fat butt can go to the mall and pick up the latest copy of “Computer Gaming Monthly” without getting jumped and sodomized in the mall bathroom.Stay safe Gecko45! I got your back brother!

*wipes tear away*

This is just great.
posted by quin at 12:35 PM on February 29

cmdnc0: funny thing is, first time I loaded it in Firefox, the page was broken. So I reloaded in IE and got... that. And thought "asshole".
posted by Leon at 12:38 PM on February 29

You all who are makeing fun of me have never been threatened by jailed drug dealers, serial killers, and shoplifters, or fired at by high powered rifles

I think he's taking the mickey, but it's still wicked funny.

Another one:

But then again I think of the mayors nephew, his face distored with tears and terror, the GAP employees who asked for my autograph, and had to settle for a cover identity’s signature, the flashbangs, and their acrid scent, the small of napalm in the evening breeze, as I crouch behind a shopping cart in the parking lot,
posted by Divine_Wino at 12:40 PM on February 29

Could someone explain why this is funny? I just don't get it.
posted by KokuRyu at 12:41 PM on February 29

If the writer could get over his snarkiness, he'd realize that some of us have to work in places that deny us Firefox, and give us access to his page. Reading his anti-IE rant was enough to convince me that I don't want to read the actual article.
posted by desjardins at 12:42 PM on February 29

You can't understand KokuRyu, 'cause you never went to the Nam.
posted by Divine_Wino at 12:43 PM on February 29

We use modified electric vehicles and can be anywhere on a given floor within eight and a half minutes.

and now I am picturing GOB Bluth as a security guard.
posted by dubold at 12:44 PM on February 29 [2 favorites]

When the smoke cleared, we had three dead perps, and two very scared prisoners. My partner was slighting wounded but he would live to fight another dayl. The company goons came in fast by chopper, to cover up the situation. The remaining perps were flown to a company detention center, and we never found out what happened to them, or why they made such a vicious attack. My belief is that they were planning to hijack the coveted Mortal Combat game unit.

I tell ya, when I go to boost a video game cabinet, I usually bring four of my well armed buddies to provide a bounding-over watch exfiltration with sniper support. I mean, to do anything less would be to invite total failure and tactical inferiority.
posted by quin at 12:45 PM on February 29 [3 favorites]

Could someone explain why this is funny? I just don't get it.

Well, about halfway through the thread, as blixco says, it pretty much goes through the looking glass:

Same with those mindless teenyboppers who go to the Hickory Farms store, and then take double samples of fruitcake and cheeselog, you warn them that they will be charged with a felony(grand theft), and that if they attempt to fight and run, they will be, unfortunately, first tazered, and if they continue to resist violently with intent to maim, then wounded. Fortunately, wounding fire to suppress teenage kleptomaniacs is relatively easy, they all run in straight lines, and a hit in the knee will be relatively simple from the second floor. But they all get a warning first, we do not simply shoot shoplifters unless they resist violently. Buttstroking those who attempt to injure me is another story.

At that point, you're pretty sure that the second crazy guy in the thread is actually totally fucking with everyone.
posted by mrnutty at 12:45 PM on February 29 [1 favorite]

What cmdnc0 and Leon said!
posted by ericb at 12:47 PM on February 29

There but for the grace of God goes Dwight Schrute.
posted by shmegegge at 12:49 PM on February 29

KokuRyu : Could someone explain why this is funny? I just don't get it.

The poster is ostensibly suggesting that he uses tactics and weapons which are far in excess of most SWAT team personnel in the completion of his duties as a mall security guard. Most of the weapons that he is describing cost thousands of dollars and he is suggesting that he regularly gets into hot firefights with patrons in the mall.

To consider how absurd this is, the next time you are in a large American mall, look at what the guards are carrying, typically it's a CB (maybe, a lot of times it's a much cheaper phone nowadays), maybe some pepper spray, and a knockoff SureFire flashlight.

The idea here is that our malls secretly employ teams of tactical ninjas who hide in the wings and wage war with Asian gangs after hours. All of the technical terminology is just gun porn for those of us like that kind of silliness.
posted by quin at 12:49 PM on February 29

Some real doozies in there.

"We don’t like to parade around in uniforms like a bunch of drunken shriners at a gay rights parade."
…
"Yeah Nancy, cry to the mods to kill the TRUTH. Just because you’re too much of a Sally to hear REAL men talk about REAL life experiences.

BTW A one time experiementation while in the military, does not make one a homosexual. It’s when you practice it daily, like yourself, that you become a homosexual."

/me blinks in amazement.
…
"We would never consider using any missles larger than our modified surplus Shrikes"

Launched from his golf cart.
…
This one may take the cake.

"My “Black-Ops” history ensures that you will never know about the missions I accepted in my younger days, and Vietnam still shudders when it hears the name of a an assasin so skillful and deadly, he is remembered decades later."

So, everyone in Vietnam knows him, but no one in the USA. And having served in Vietnam would suggest he's an elite shopping-mall ninja commando who's old enough to collect social security. It's impressive that he could cram that much stupid into one sentence.
posted by adamrice at 12:50 PM on February 29 [1 favorite]

I know this guy, or at least his doppleganger who annoyed the shit out of everyone on this local climbing forum. My favorite story of his involved being contracted to take out this sleeper cell in San Antonio. At "go time" they found out the cell had split town, so now he's just waiting for the phone call. Wow.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 12:57 PM on February 29

I wanted pictures. :(
posted by monospace at 1:01 PM on February 29

And having served in Vietnam would suggest he's an elite shopping-mall ninja commando who's old enough to collect social security.

Obviously the ninja training has kept him youthful and sprightly.
posted by dubold at 1:03 PM on February 29

Or is my life better spent as the silent, alert, stalwart, invisible guardian of the free mall…

Somehow I need to work this into my resumé's cover letter.
posted by quin at 1:03 PM on February 29 [3 favorites]

This made my Friday. Thank you.
posted by JibberJabber at 1:26 PM on February 29

Obviously both crazy guys, and the "S2" who provides them with an exit strategy, are the same comedian... but he does a great job of taking cues from the messageboard and throwing them back with just exactly the right level of looniness.

I love the details: the smell of napalm over the parking lot, the perp popping up from behind the Orange Julius counter, the asian gang "planning to hijack the coveted Mortal Combat game unit."
posted by ook at 1:27 PM on February 29 [1 favorite]

adamrice, he never said he was in 'Nam during the war. It was probably a deep cover insertion to take out a gang of fake purse ninjas.
posted by Eddie Mars at 1:35 PM on February 29

After reading through that whole thing, I really get the feeling that the "mall ninjas" were trolling. Past a point it seemed to go well beyond people trying to sound cool or important and escalated to the realm of ridiculously obvious fantasy.

Was actually a bit funnier when it seemed like it WAS just people who might not of been doing it just to get a rise from people.

STILL, reading through all that was a hilarious diversion.
posted by Stunt at 1:38 PM on February 29

I am a Master of three martial arts including ninjitsu, which means I can wear the special boots to climb walls.

tkchrist has never said a word about the special boots.
posted by everichon at 1:41 PM on February 29 [4 favorites]

...To consider how absurd this is, the next time you are in a large American mall, look at what the guards are carrying, typically it's a CB (maybe, a lot of times it's a much cheaper phone nowadays), maybe some pepper spray, and a knockoff SureFire flashlight. ...

I was in Las Vegas last week, and the security guy in the Whole Foods in Summerlin had black fatigues, combat boots and a glock in a swivel holster.

No joke.
posted by de void at 1:41 PM on February 29

Organic Food is, like, crazy expensive. Whole Foods had to harden the target.
posted by everichon at 1:52 PM on February 29 [1 favorite]

comedy based around ninjas has been driven into the ground.
posted by cell divide at 1:56 PM on February 29

tkchrist has never said a word about the special boots.

That's the crucial fact I always leave out as a test to see who the real Ninjas REALLY are.
posted by tkchrist at 1:58 PM on February 29

This is excellent stuff.
posted by slimepuppy at 1:58 PM on February 29

I am a Master of three martial arts including ninjitsu, which means I can wear the special boots to climb walls.

tkchrist has never said a word about the special boots.

Yeah, but there's a good chance he studies ninjutsu and not ninjitsu. Ninjitsu is reserved for mall security tactical squads.

clockworkjoe, thanks for posting this. Whether the original poster was in earnest or not, he certainly had a wonderful imagination.
posted by tkolar at 1:59 PM on February 29

Like, seriously excellent:

Yes Im not a Green Beret but guess what neither are you and unlike you I have to face unruly shoppers every day.
posted by slimepuppy at 2:00 PM on February 29

N.W.H. SAY FUCK
FUCK
FUCK THE SECURITY GUARDS

"Rapid Tactical Force"? What, do their golf carts have a special logo or something? Hilarious. "WE HAVE GANG ACTIVITY IN THE AREA OF ORANGE JULIUS. SEND IN THE RAPID TACTICAL FORCE! HURRY! A 14 YEAR OLD WHITE KID IN BAGGY PANTS IS ADVANCING ON THE SBARRO!"

Guys like this are the lowest form of dork. Macho bullies who were to inept to even hack it with some small-town police force like a slightly higher form of macho bully, so they base their lives around what basically amounts to a live-action roleplaying simulation of "law enforcement". Hopefully some punk shivs them with a jagged edge of a CD case outside of Aeropostale and puts an end to the existential despair that is their lives.
posted by DecemberBoy at 2:07 PM on February 29

I was in Las Vegas last week, and the security guy in the Whole Foods in Summerlin had black fatigues, combat boots and a glock in a swivel holster.

God. It is so sad. It's bad enough we except the para-militarization of our LEO's what with every po-dunk town having a Tactical team with their frigg'n tanks and snipers and shit. Now Mall cops get to pretend to be Chuck Norris, too.

I trained with this guy, a good guy—a very humble affable ex-military dude, who was contracted as the defensive firearm instructor for a large armored car and security agency. He was having a tough time finding a steady gig so he took this one and it paid pretty well. His problem was negotiating between what the corporation liability demanded, what the security teams wanted and what he felt they really NEEDED. It was impossible. Most the security dudes were ninja wanna-bes just like this kid in this thread. They wanted to learn tactical entries and use smoke grenades and shit. Which is absurd, right. But what they didn't want to do was, oh, correctly practice actually shooting on a range. The basics.
posted by tkchrist at 2:09 PM on February 29

Argh, I should have read more of it before commenting. This is obviously a troll goofing on the kind of guy I myself goofed on.

I was in a mall a few years ago and saw some 5'3" paramidgetary loser in a R. Lee Ermey style marine hat and opaque mirrorshades, so the troll isn't that far from reality.
posted by DecemberBoy at 2:12 PM on February 29 [2 favorites]

Yeah, but there's a good chance he studies ninjutsu and not ninjitsu.

If you ever catch me studying either I promise I will let you throw Ninja Stars at me while I dance the chicken dance in my special boots.
posted by tkchrist at 2:13 PM on February 29

It certainly is a win, either way: if it's a troll, he is The Master. If not, wow.
posted by everichon at 2:28 PM on February 29

Am I the only one who read the original threads in 2001?

this is so slightly post 9/11 but pre 9/11 fatigue
posted by Megafly at 2:57 PM on February 29

Eddie Mars: You have a point. I may have misjudged MallNinja.

Seriously though, I agree, this guy must be a troll or a very warped performance artist. Most trolls aren't this entertaining.
posted by adamrice at 3:24 PM on February 29

I actually tried to find more links before posting this but the only one I could think of was a humorous article detailing the various kind of gun nuts (gear queers, milsurp nuts, etc) but I couldn't find it.

I figured that the saga of the mall ninja would be enough on a Friday.

Also, I am such a huge nerd because the first thing I thought of when I read this was that this would make for a great role playing game adventure. Every player creates an over the top mall ninja then turn them loose.
posted by clockworkjoe at 3:26 PM on February 29 [3 favorites]

Also, I am such a huge nerd because the first thing I thought of when I read this was that this would make for a great role playing game adventure. Every player creates an over the top mall ninja then turn them loose.

That's brilliant. A super-secret mall ninja team armed with heavy weapons.

And you could make it a LARP -- I've always wanted to rappel into the food court.
posted by tkolar at 3:45 PM on February 29

ObSF: "Maul" by Tricia Sullivan, in which roving gangs of armed teenage girls wage war over cosmetics and such.
posted by Justinian at 3:50 PM on February 29 [1 favorite]

I've always wanted to rappel into the food court.

No kidding, a bit more than 10 years ago I worked in a mall where the central area had a four or five story cathedral style ceiling, I used to walk out after close and just stare at the skylights up there wondering how I could get my rope tied off so I could do a free rappel.

I managed to get access to the loading dock areas but I could never find an unmonitored route to the roof.
posted by quin at 3:53 PM on February 29

I hate clicking on links only to find that it is a blog. Makes me wonder if you are getting your 3 cents for directly traffic or something.
posted by 45moore45 at 2:03 PM on February 29 [+] [!]

Wait, what? I didn't see any ads on the page.
posted by jtron at 4:26 PM on February 29

[bunch of comments removed - take "fuck you" comments to MeTa, email, or elsewhere, thanks.]
posted by jessamyn at 4:29 PM on February 29

Hey, I think I found one of them!
posted by clockworkjoe at 4:47 PM on February 29

Wow, "minigun" is at it again.
posted by rockhopper at 5:28 PM on February 29

Screw you and your snarky blockage of internet explorer... and your little dog too.

Assholish or not, you gotta admit that he's right. One can not fathom a reason to continue using MSIE, except for reasons of sloth or ignorance.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:58 PM on February 29

One can not fathom a reason to continue using MSIE, except for reasons of sloth or ignorance.

... or being forced to by your work environment or the fact that you're logging in from the library, or an internet cafe, or an airport kiosk, or...
posted by tkolar at 7:12 PM on February 29

he's like dwight from the office
posted by MNDZ at 11:03 PM on February 29

This is amazing. It's simultaneously horrifying and hilarious. What does it say for the current state of the world where I can't tell if this is a troll?
posted by outlier at 3:21 AM on March 1

Yeah, the guy is obviously joking -- but I have known people like this in real life, jokes aside. I'm not sure that there is a scientific word for it (SpecialForces-ania? Military-osis?) but its the overwhelming delusion that one is either a highly trained assassin or a secret government operative.

I have a cousin who is one of those people. He's spent most of his life working as an animal control officer, yet never missed a chance to tell the rest of us how he was "trained by the CIA" in enhanced interrogation techniques for use against criminal dog-fighting kingpins. No, I'm not making that up. He also bought the kevlar vest, the "tactical" boots (what makes a pair of boots "tactical", anyway? I mean, what makes it different from a regular pair of black leather work boots? I guess its like Warcraft -- each "tactical" pair of boots comes with +5 Stamina or something...), the nomex gloves, the works. He drove around town in his Dog Wagon looking like an Army of One when a simple public-service uniform would have sufficed.

Point being: some of these people do suffer from a tinge of mental illness. Wide berths all around.
posted by Avenger at 8:22 AM on March 1 [2 favorites]

I had to come in and comment on this because I spent a good portion of last night reading through the ninja mall archives. Like a train wreck, I simply couldn't look away. This is brilliant stuff. Thanks, clockworkjoe, what a great find!
posted by misha at 10:27 AM on March 1

Yeah. Thanks! This is pretty amazing.
posted by puckupdate at 1:13 PM on March 1

My vote is troll. The sign of a good troll is that you're not 100% sure it's a troll, that it's just believable enough to make you wonder if there's anyone that stupid. I think "BTW A one time experiementation while in the military, does not make one a homosexual." was a give-away.

Aside: Am I the only person who's bugged by the word "troll" getting watered down? It used to be someone who made outrageous statements in the hopes of riling people up. Lately it just seems to mean "online asshole."
posted by revgeorge at 10:48 AM on March 2 [1 favorite]

I've had this in a window for a while now, reading a little bit day by day. It rivals Reno 911 for the lolcrazycops vibe. SPECOPS should write for TV. More Nancy! More Lucy!!
posted by not_on_display at 12:13 PM on March 10