A Galaxy of Would-Be Toys

March 12, 2008 2:10 PM

Bantha slippers. Han Solo in Carbonite Mini-Fridge. And the Death Star Grill. ("Use the awesome power of the galaxy's most fearsome battlestation to send burning fear into rebel scum burgers and franks!") Just a few rejected designs for Star Wars merchandise. [Via].
posted by gottabefunky (36 comments total)

Hot damn, I would buy at least half of these things.
posted by brain_drain at 2:19 PM on March 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

DO WANT
posted by rusty at 2:20 PM on March 12, 2008

I demand an explanation as to why this was never made.
posted by mrnutty at 2:20 PM on March 12, 2008

Yeah some of those just make sense you know? Like there really should be a Jabba the Hutt beanbag. It is just supposed to exist.
posted by ND¢ at 2:22 PM on March 12, 2008

every. single. one of those. would have been amazing. are there people who wouldn't have bought those?

it occurs to me that a lot of those could have ultimately been rejected because they could be seen as making fun of the franchise. I'm thinking specifically the cloud city desk lamp, the leia headphones, the darth vader gumball machine and stuff like that. as though, (and I can see that the guy loves the franchise and wasn't making fun of it) the imagery of the movies was being parodied.
posted by shmegegge at 2:23 PM on March 12, 2008

There is no way that the TaunTaun suit wouldn't have been a huge hit. If they made on to fit my lithe 36 y/o body, I'd buy one today.
posted by Pecinpah at 2:29 PM on March 12, 2008

Look at that little shoeless smirking son of a bitch on that Jabba the Hutt beanbag. "Ha look at me ND¢, living in the world as it should be, sitting on my Jabba the Hutt beanbag. How's that chair working out for you? Doesn't look near as comfy as this Jabba the Hutt beanbag. Maybe later I will have sex with your mom on it!" Fuck you, you little bastard! How do I travel to your world?
posted by ND¢ at 2:29 PM on March 12, 2008 [11 favorites]

Seriously, every one of these is a good idea, and I don't even generally like Star Wars merchendise. Why would they reject these?
posted by Navelgazer at 2:33 PM on March 12, 2008

Considering what they HAVE authorized... I'd rather have the mini-fridge.
posted by wendell at 2:34 PM on March 12, 2008

I mean, c'mon. Who wouldn't want the Bantha Slippers? Best post today, maybe so far this week. Thanks.
posted by marxchivist at 2:36 PM on March 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

Weren't there headphones like that in Spaceballs?
posted by naoko at 2:36 PM on March 12, 2008

If there's one thing (in this galaxy or one far, far away) that could make furries more terrifying, it's that Tauntaun suit.

"I thought these things smelled bad on the outside!"
posted by Parasite Unseen at 2:38 PM on March 12, 2008

I too am surprised that the Jabba bean bag doesn't actually exist. I mean, with all the wacky crap related to Star Wars, you'd think it'd be obvious. I would totally buy the Jabba beanbag and the Han Solo fridge right now.
posted by DecemberBoy at 2:44 PM on March 12, 2008

The Death Star Grill reminds me of Aqua Teen Hunger Force's Char-nobyl.
posted by XMLicious at 2:47 PM on March 12, 2008

What nobody knows is that what appear to be your legs are really artificial. Your real legs are actually inside the TaunTaun.

Like, imagine if you were looking at it from the outside, as someone else. Notice how the the whole thing looks like there is a guy riding a TaunTaun, straddling it? Well, see, the TaunTaun is also standing up with two legs. This costume takes advantage of this positioning, since the waist of the rider meets the TaunTaun such that we can use the real legs inside the TaunTaun. For fuck's sake don't you get it? Your legs are INSIDE THE TAUNTAUN. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU CONFUSED ABOUT?!
posted by odinsdream at 2:51 PM on March 12, 2008 [3 favorites]

This is kind of odd, since I always figured George Lucas was to Star Wars merchandising what the Three Stooges were to movie scripts: they never saw an idea that was too dumb even for them.
posted by hincandenza at 2:52 PM on March 12, 2008

Add me to the list of Jabba the Hutt beanbag chair pre-orders. And there's absolutely no reason why that Millennium Falcon cockpit sun shield was never made-- it's just perfect.
posted by Faint of Butt at 3:00 PM on March 12, 2008

Just the few rejected designs for Star Wars merchandise.
posted by anthill at 3:39 PM on March 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

Faint of Butt, I agree. The sun shield was the pick of the bunch - cheap to make, somewhat fitting with the tone of the movies, and useful/cool even for people who aren't huge nerds. I wonder why it ended up rejected.
posted by AndrewStephens at 3:52 PM on March 12, 2008

That grill is amazing.
posted by grouse at 4:02 PM on March 12, 2008

I'm with everyone. The sheer fact that these "rejected" products blow the top off the Awesome-ometer is a clear indicator that whoever handles licensing should be off herding nerfs. Take a look at this crap! Our galaxy is truly far, far away from wherever it is that justice prevails.
posted by krippledkonscious at 4:11 PM on March 12, 2008

I'd get a lot of use out of that TaunTaun suit. Just imagine how much faster I'd get around in the snow.
posted by eyeballkid at 4:15 PM on March 12, 2008

I am totally modding my Weber this summer.
posted by bondcliff at 4:19 PM on March 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT JAR JAR MONSTER MOUTH
posted by papakwanz at 5:26 PM on March 12, 2008

A few years ago, Uncle George, cheapo that he can be, decided that instead of Xmas bonuses, he would dig into the warehouse full of unsold Star Bores crap, fill up a semi, drive it over to the ILM parking lot, and let his slaves... I mean, employees, each grab a shopping bag and fill it up with all the useless junk they could carry away. A good buddy of mine who was there picked me up the most heinous licensed "product", a Jar Jar item that had a candy/lollipop tongue. That's right, the "Jar Jar Binks Monster Mouth Tongue Candy". Teach the kids how to french kiss the ugly, irritating alien scumbag. Oy fucking Vey.
posted by dbiedny at 5:34 PM on March 12, 2008

I have a couple design issues:

1) Bantha slippers would be cute, but very difficult to keep in single file to conceal your numbers. The copy on the slippers image says you'll be travelling in style like a Tusken Raider, but to do that, you'd have to walk pretty funny. More likely that you'll immediately be outed as a group of stormtroopers.

2) How do you make a Deat Star grill and not figure out how to put the smoke vent in the laser? Fucking how?

3) The switch for the Cloud City lamp needs to be Luke, clinging to the post of the lamp or something.
posted by LionIndex at 5:47 PM on March 12, 2008 [3 favorites]

Ok, either I've seen that Darth Vader gumball dispenser or I've dreamed it.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 5:52 PM on March 12, 2008

Also, these are the 70's we're talking about here. How did they not do a Jedi mood ring?
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 5:53 PM on March 12, 2008

I know many, many undergraduates who would run me over like a stampede of Ewoks to get their hands on that minifridge.
posted by thomas j wise at 6:13 PM on March 12, 2008

Star Wars Foosball is ... probably the best thing Ive seen on the internet in a while.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 7:58 PM on March 12, 2008

These designs aren't from the 70's, they're from 1998. The company was pitching to do product development for episode one of the new trilogy, but weren't allowed to know anything about it.

From the article: . . . since we were not yet an approved vendor to Lucasfilm, we had to use the Original Trilogy to concept with as we couldn’t be shown anything from Episode One. Lucasfilm would review our concepts and let us know if anything could apply to the new movie (this was a painful process that involved discarding far more ideas than the ones that were kept).

That said these are awesome -- they should have rewritten episode 1 to allow them to make use of some of them!
posted by sevenyearlurk at 7:57 AM on March 13, 2008

Great stuff! And the Taun-Taun suit is a great Halloween idea. Anyone planning on posting a "how to" at Instructables?
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 9:32 AM on March 13, 2008

There's a whole lot of great ideas there. Most of them seem like amusing parodies. The thing they all have in common is that they are not toys, but star wars themed home items for adults. Perhaps at the time it would have been unprofitable to sell these things but now that star wars geeks are all grown up I wouldnt be surprised to see stuff like this at thinkgeek.com sometime soon. Reminds me of that $150 dollar r2d2 trashcan they used to sell from Japan. This stuff will sell but they really need to keep the prices sane.
posted by damn dirty ape at 9:43 AM on March 13, 2008

Actually I didnt read the page. Are these parodies or a put-on?
posted by damn dirty ape at 9:43 AM on March 13, 2008

The reason most of these were rejected is that they were pitching ideas for Episode One. The catch is that they weren't allowed to know what was going to be in the movie.

However, there were a few problems. One, since we were not yet an approved vendor to Lucasfilm, we had to use the Original Trilogy to concept with as we couldn’t be shown anything from Episode One. Lucasfilm would review our concepts and let us know if anything could apply to the new movie (this was a painful process that involved discarding far more ideas than the ones that were kept).

posted by dirigibleman at 10:22 AM on March 13, 2008

Weren't these covered in Mad Magazine at some point?
posted by mouthnoize at 11:08 AM on March 13, 2008