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April 2, 2008 5:11 PM   Subscribe

Actually, you don't have to rock and roll all night ... Latest research shows that the optimal time for sexual intercourse is 3 to 13 minutes.

Of course, this doesn't count foreplay...you knew it wouldn't be all good news, didn't you?

Turns out Sting may not be the sex-god he thought he was after all
posted by Megami (104 comments total) 7 users marked this as a favorite

 
Three whole minutes?
posted by ColdChef at 5:15 PM on April 2, 2008 [4 favorites]


The few times I've been privy to listening to girls talk about this sort of thing, they've generally agreed that guys going on for too long (usually in some sort of egotistic attempt to be "the best") gets tiring, annoying and chafey.
posted by Stonewall Jackson at 5:15 PM on April 2, 2008 [7 favorites]


Not counting foreplay, according to the study.
posted by delmoi at 5:17 PM on April 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


The word "chafey" is funny.
posted by davidmsc at 5:17 PM on April 2, 2008


The timing of this post is excellent, considering the post that appeared on the blue just before this and its own take on rockin'-and-rollin'.
posted by WalterMitty at 5:19 PM on April 2, 2008


Does the 3 minutes include dinner and cuddling afterwards?
posted by purephase at 5:24 PM on April 2, 2008


Also, Sting's qualification of "I can make love for 6 hours": it includes dinner & a movie.
posted by RockCorpse at 5:30 PM on April 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


What an awesome new way to time my breakfast egg.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 5:32 PM on April 2, 2008 [6 favorites]


ONE ONE-THOUSAND TWO ONE-THOUSAND
posted by klangklangston at 5:34 PM on April 2, 2008 [9 favorites]


Eh, I find that variation is key. Sometimes I want a three-minute quickie, sometimes I want a 20 minute bangin', and sometimes I want the full 2-1/2 hours of good hard lovin'.

Fortunately my man provides. :D
posted by WidgetAlley at 5:35 PM on April 2, 2008


Actually, you don't have to rock and roll all night ...

But I can still party every day, right?

*drinks Cold Gin*
posted by jonmc at 5:36 PM on April 2, 2008 [5 favorites]


Does this include the post-coital sobbing?
posted by bondcliff at 5:39 PM on April 2, 2008 [24 favorites]


hers or yours?
posted by jonmc at 5:42 PM on April 2, 2008


Yes.
posted by bondcliff at 5:45 PM on April 2, 2008 [12 favorites]


But there's so much to do, I couldn't possibly fit it all in to 13 minutes!
posted by crossoverman at 5:47 PM on April 2, 2008


As long as the entire time is spent whispering apologies over and over and maintaining unbroken eye contact.
posted by shakespeherian at 5:48 PM on April 2, 2008 [2 favorites]


Of course, this doesn't count foreplay
So then how long is foreplay supposed to be?

THIS ARTICLE FAILS TO FULLY SATISFY MY DESIRE FOR A COMPLETELY ALGORITHMIC APPROACH TO LOVEMAKING
posted by Flunkie at 5:49 PM on April 2, 2008 [25 favorites]


What variable are we optimizing here?
posted by DU at 5:58 PM on April 2, 2008


Thank god for science, I don't know what I would have done if the eggheads hadn't quantized pleasure. I'll be sure to stop the lovin' after the minute hand hits 13, pointdexter ...
posted by user92371 at 5:59 PM on April 2, 2008


Damn, I'm doing for three hours too long.

Form an orderly queue, ladies.
posted by idiomatika at 6:01 PM on April 2, 2008


Metafilter: chafey, ouch
posted by caddis at 6:02 PM on April 2, 2008


Three minutes a month?
posted by Mr. President Dr. Steve Elvis America at 6:05 PM on April 2, 2008


PepsiBlueBallsFilter.
posted by BrotherCaine at 6:11 PM on April 2, 2008 [4 favorites]


Does anybody remember an AskMe thread in the last year or so asking what the "normal" duration of sex (sans foreplay) was? I seem to remember most MeFites giving seemingly unrepresentative answers. Like 1-3 hours being a modal answer.
posted by dgaicun at 6:20 PM on April 2, 2008


I don't know which is lamer, the methodology for this "research" (it's basically an opinion poll of sex therapists) or the fact that it's better than most "studies" of this type that get these kinds of headlines.
posted by straight at 6:23 PM on April 2, 2008


You only need three minutes because I'm so intense. Three minutes in heaven is better than two minutes in heaven.
posted by Brainy at 6:27 PM on April 2, 2008 [18 favorites]


Imagine there's no heaven. It's easy if you try...
posted by jonmc at 6:29 PM on April 2, 2008 [3 favorites]


Sex is just one of those things that makes time completely relative. When it's bad it seems to go on forever and when it's terrific time loses all meaning.

It's the subtle difference between, "it's only been ten minutes? It felt like it lasted for hours! Let's go get some breakfast!" and "it's only been ten minutes? It felt like it lasted for hours! Get the fuck out of my car."
posted by LeeJay at 6:32 PM on April 2, 2008 [6 favorites]


Chafey guy, not to be mistaken for a chav, too fucking funny./

Sting¿
Who the fuck is... last time I got stung, was in some flea ridden Sheraton [or Motel 6] by a bedbug, must've had a dog in there./ Previously I'm talking about.

Y'aint gonna get anyone off in 3 minutes, c'mon, seriously, who researched this nonsense¿ Sex addicts notwithstanding.
Even a quickie'll take you longer, by he timne you get... oh, nevernind.

Occasionally, you should rock and roll all night, not just the weekend either.///
posted by alicesshoe at 6:38 PM on April 2, 2008


Oh, Alicesshoe, you pretend to know what love is, but your typing shows you to be a malfunctioning computer trapped only with the semblance of human experiences.
posted by klangklangston at 6:48 PM on April 2, 2008 [9 favorites]


For those who missed Brainy's flight of the Conchord's reference, it's
Business time!
posted by JimmyJames at 6:50 PM on April 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


alicesshoe, they're only measuring time of actual sexing, if that changes your opinion at all.

If it doesn't, well, I disagree. I imagine I'd be as dissatisfied as you in a situation where three minutes of banging was the norm, but it is just as possible for a female to get off in that amount of time as it is for a male.
posted by invitapriore at 6:52 PM on April 2, 2008


I have new respect for the Gentleman from Rhode Island.
posted by The Bellman at 6:55 PM on April 2, 2008


Y'aint gonna get anyone off in 3 minutes, c'mon,

Except yourself.
posted by jonmc at 6:58 PM on April 2, 2008


What is the optimal time for a blow job? [I'm setting people up to make jokes, please don't disappoint.]
posted by Falconetti at 7:15 PM on April 2, 2008


What? From the blower's perspective, probably one second.
posted by caddis at 7:17 PM on April 2, 2008


For those of us who are married, can someone explain what this post is talking about?
posted by maxwelton at 7:22 PM on April 2, 2008


"For those of us who are married, can someone explain what this post is talking about?"

Fucking.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 7:25 PM on April 2, 2008 [2 favorites]


What is the optimal time for a blow job?

Right before I have a cigarrette.
posted by jonmc at 7:28 PM on April 2, 2008


Dear AskMe: how long should I be whackin' it so that my hand is happy, too?
posted by not_on_display at 7:28 PM on April 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


The optimal time for a blowjob is whilst watching the football.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:31 PM on April 2, 2008


and eating the steak.
posted by jonmc at 7:39 PM on April 2, 2008


simultaneously.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:40 PM on April 2, 2008


Long enough to reach around.
posted by EarBucket at 7:48 PM on April 2, 2008


Not counting foreplay, according to the study.

So they're only counting penis-in-vagina as "real" sex? Everything else is just the lead up? How very Freud of them. And how very wrong. A grave disservice to the ladies, esp. considering the multiple orgasm many women are capable of with a considerate partner. But then, what women consider sex just isn't that important if there's not a penis in a vagina. Might as well use a Fleshlight.
posted by emjaybee at 7:58 PM on April 2, 2008 [3 favorites]


So, 2d6+1 minutes?
posted by lore at 7:58 PM on April 2, 2008 [44 favorites]


I dunno, I really don't get the typical straight definition of sex as exclusively penis-in-vagina action. I was stunned the first time I heard a straight friend describe oral sex as not "really" sex.

I'll admit that kissing and cuddling alone don't generally count as sex for me, but, as a gay man, if I only count anal or vaginal penetration as genuine sex, then I'm nearly a virgin.
posted by treepour at 7:59 PM on April 2, 2008


I like orgasms.
posted by homunculus at 8:02 PM on April 2, 2008


*touches treepour for the very first time*
posted by jonmc at 8:06 PM on April 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


Jeez, I am not sure I want to even bother shaving my legs for three minutes.

But then again 3 minutes with sting would be four minutes too long for my druthers.
posted by madamjujujive at 8:11 PM on April 2, 2008 [2 favorites]


Oh, c'mon madamejuju, for the rainforest!!
posted by jonmc at 8:12 PM on April 2, 2008


"Oh, Alicesshoe, you pretend to know what love is, but your typing shows you to be a malfunctioning computer trapped only with the semblance of human experiences.-klangklangston"

No klangklangston, I'd say you are mistaken in your assumption.

Not that I'm using a stopwatch or anything and I'm not knocking your quickie, but percentage wise... I'd say it's weighted in favour of the all nighter...if one has time..

Y'aint gonna get anyone off in 3 minutes, c'mon,-alicesshoe
Except yourself." —jonmc


Nice one jonmc, actually, I'm in no hurry [probably lazy]. You¿
posted by alicesshoe at 8:20 PM on April 2, 2008


I dunno, I really don't get the typical straight definition of sex as exclusively penis-in-vagina action.

That's easy to explain: it's a definition created mostly by straight women to downsize their partner tally:

"Oh, no, I never slept with Dave. Sure, we got naked in bed once & kissed & fondled & I jerked him off & he went down on me, but we didn't have sex!"

US Presidents have been known to use similar semantic demarcations.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:20 PM on April 2, 2008


Nice one jonmc, actually, I'm in no hurry [probably lazy]. You¿

I'm flattered, but I'm spoken for.
posted by jonmc at 8:23 PM on April 2, 2008


Yeah, UbuRoivas; how dare those sluts have all that sex! And then lie about what sluts they really are!
posted by emjaybee at 8:26 PM on April 2, 2008


The people in that photo along with that article, they're just kissing. What an odd art decision.

I really don't get the typical straight definition of sex as exclusively penis-in-vagina action.

I think it's weird even for straight people, honestly. I think the idea when I learned it was that sex was some sort of a progression. Kissing, touchy feely action, touchy feely action with less clothing, giving each other orgasms and "everything but" and then going all the way. It was a really weird way to look at fooling around, but in high school it made a certain kind of sense because everyone were uptight pains in the ass about it all. As an adult person such distinctions seem completely ridiculous.

But yeah, 3-13 minutes for the in and out? Okay by me. That presumes 48 to 106 minutes of foreplay though.
posted by jessamyn at 8:30 PM on April 2, 2008 [3 favorites]


What is this "sex" of which you humans speak?
posted by not_on_display at 8:34 PM on April 2, 2008


one of the "markers" of good sex, in my opinion, is the quality of the orgasm. A good orgasm leaves you feeling spent and satisfied, and able to truly enjoy each other's company during that mutual high.

There is no way that 10 minutes is enough for me to build up that sort of orgasm.

this study is stupid - sexology research needs to step up and start developing more advanced methodologies.
posted by spacediver at 9:05 PM on April 2, 2008


emjaybee, you're putting words into my mouth.

it's not my fault that some people feel compelled to downplay numbers with arbitrary distinctions like that.

on the flipside, it's rare for guys to be so nitpicky about what counts or doesn't count, because they generally want to boast about how slutty they are.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:07 PM on April 2, 2008


Sex aid
posted by madamjujujive at 9:12 PM on April 2, 2008



Dante: You said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him!
Veronica: Because I never HAD sex with him.
Dante: You sucked his dick!
Veronica: We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around.
Dante: Oh my God, WHY did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?
Veronica: Because I DID only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.
posted by jeversol at 9:18 PM on April 2, 2008


it's rare for guys to be so nitpicky about what counts or doesn't count, because they generally want to boast about how slutty they are.

Interesting analysis. I was sure that it was women who were nitpicky because there was a decent chance that the average in-and-out encounter resulted in an orgasm for him and not for her, so she was holding out for orgasms and not just pokery.
posted by jessamyn at 9:54 PM on April 2, 2008


I / want to rock-and-roll for three minutes / And have the rest of my day...
posted by mazola at 9:59 PM on April 2, 2008


Three to thirteen? I'll see you, and raise it to, ah, seven to nineteen minutes not counting disrobing, picking proper "Can't let my flatmate hear me get my freak ON" music, and bonghits* before and after. Maybe we can max out at half-an-hour, but don't mention the bleeding.

Damn NKTOB, makin' me bleed....damn eighth grade curse.
*Offer good only to those with Lady Parts, Bonghits optional, offer void in NV, MD, NY, WI, IL, CA and WA.
posted by Minus215Cee at 10:10 PM on April 2, 2008


this study is stupid - sexology research needs to step up and start developing more advanced methodologies.

Or any methodologies. This "study" is almost as rigorous as "four out of five dentists recommend sugarless gum for their patients who chew gum."
posted by straight at 10:13 PM on April 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


3-13 minutes sounds just right to me. Reading this thread though I get the feeling a lot of you have never had the kind of sex that just drags on and on and you want it to be over already. I've had far too much of that. (No, I do not have that kind of sex anymore). I imagine condoms have a lot to do with unwanted extension of fucking time - switching from condoms to the sponge certainly made a big difference for me & my guy. As long as we both enjoy ourselves and are satisfied, we can move on to the drinking and videogames.

But I guess I'm an outlier. And I always thought blowjobs were far more intimate than just penis-in-vagina. Vaginas are designed (evolved) to have penises going in and out of them rapidly and with great force. Mouths are more delicate and intimate (it's your face, fercryinoutloud), it's hard to keep your jaw open that much for very long (certainly not a natural position), and then there's the whole gag-reflex minefield to deal with. I've never blown a guy without having fucked him first (not in the same session though, since I don't want the taste of spermicide to make me vomit).
posted by marble at 10:19 PM on April 2, 2008


dgaicun: this may be the Ask Mefi thread you're looking for. Generally it seems the girls say about 10 minutes, the guys say "up to 2 hours".
posted by TheophileEscargot at 10:44 PM on April 2, 2008


I really don't get the typical straight definition of sex as exclusively penis-in-vagina action. I was stunned the first time I heard a straight friend describe oral sex as not "really" sex.

In the case of some guys, neither is the former.


Or so I've heard.


But not from anyone I've been with.


Stop looking at me.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:49 PM on April 2, 2008


jessamyn, that complements but doesn't contradict my theory.

in fact, i've argued your exact point here before - based on girls i've heard saying "yeh, we did stuff, but i wasn't that into it & didn't enjoy myself, so it didn't count. it was more of a pity fuck" or arguments along those lines.

so, here's an expanded theory:

typical guy logic: act happens involving one or more sets of genitals = notch one up

typical girl logic: act happens [etc]; factor in emotional response, enjoyment or lack thereof, whether v-penetration occurred or not, whether it was relationship-based or casual, whether it was done as revenge against something or other, subtract any regretted drunken encounters, ignore any done just on rebound or to make somebody jealous, then adjust some more for "respectability" (if felt necessary), then pluck a figure out of the air. then downplay that figure & obfuscate further.
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:26 PM on April 2, 2008


Hey, nobody make another comment -- so the comment count stays at 69! w00t!

oh, wait. dammit.
posted by davejay at 11:36 PM on April 2, 2008


What is the optimal time for a blow job?

Depends: how much time have you got?

Interesting analysis. I was sure that it was women who were nitpicky because there was a decent chance that the average in-and-out encounter resulted in an orgasm for him and not for her, so she was holding out for orgasms and not just pokery.

If so, the guys again aren't being nitpicky; I'd certainly count the times my partner had an orgasm and I did not.

neither of the above is a joke
posted by davejay at 11:41 PM on April 2, 2008


Where T is time:
Tfucking, perceived, male = 4*Tbegging 6*T4play + Tfucking, actual^2

Tfucking, perceived, female = T4play + Tfucking, actual^4 - Tbegging
posted by BrotherCaine at 12:11 AM on April 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


My extremely scientific guess is that the reason that answers about duration of intercourse in things like AskMe are so ridiculously out of whack with "average duration" stats that I see is that people who have really long intercourse are vastly more likely to post about it.

Let's say you have two guys reading AskMe and someone asks what a typical duration is. Average is maybe 7 minutes... who is more likely to post a response, the guy one standard deviation under that (say 4 minutes) or the guy 3 standard deviations over it (2 hours).

It's the 2 hour guy, obviously. Classic selection bias. It's why I got such a good chuckle out of that AskMe.
posted by Justinian at 12:13 AM on April 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


But seriously, if chafing is ever a problem, there should be lube kept by the bedside for all future sex. Also, It's been my experience that my sex partners (female) are a lot quicker on the draw than I am.
posted by BrotherCaine at 12:15 AM on April 3, 2008


A rubbish article.

Sex should take 35 minutes.
That's 1 minute for the physical intercourse and 34 minutes for the sobbing.
posted by seanyboy at 12:42 AM on April 3, 2008


TheophileEscargot, thank you, that's the one.

Just for a comparison: the median duration of sexual intercourse reported by 1500 American couples in the linked study was 7.3 minutes. The median duration of sexual intercourse reported by 15 Mefites (with clear answers) was 23 minutes. (unreliable but not ridiculously implausible; certainly far from what I remembered)

But, in fact, the modal answer for Mefites (i.e. the most common answer) was 5-10 minutes. In other words about 7 minutes - the typical and most commonly found average since Kinsey.
posted by dgaicun at 1:15 AM on April 3, 2008


In my experience, the optimal time for sex depends on how quickly the police in the area respond to 911 calls. (Just kidding! Please don't call the police.)
posted by moonbiter at 1:18 AM on April 3, 2008


so, here's an expanded theory... typical girl logic ...

I've already told you this theory isn't true. If you ask men and women how many sex partners they've had in the last year, they give the same answers. But if you ask men and women with large sexual histories how many partners they've had since they were 18, women give smaller answers because they enumerate to get to the answer (as a typical behavior, not just for this question), while men give larger answers because they ballpark (ditto). This accounts for why men, on average, report more sex partners than women, not (stud vs slut) self-image protective definitions of sex partners.
posted by dgaicun at 1:30 AM on April 3, 2008 [6 favorites]


(Women were armed with stopwatches.)

What was the lap time then?

and has anyone ever recorded how fast people during sex?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:55 AM on April 3, 2008


3 minutes eh? This validates all the times I've thrown my hands in the air and yelled 'I win!' at the point of orgasm. All my exes are just bad losers and don't appreciate the racing aspect of sex.
posted by slimepuppy at 3:13 AM on April 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


"People who read this will say, 'I last five minutes or my partner lasts 8 minutes,' and say, 'That's OK,'" he said. "They will relax a little bit."
No, people like me will notice the article is utterling confusing, pointless, seems like a succession of disconnected toughts. On top of this, the info
that the median is 7,3 minutes is , taken alone, pretty much useless
The median is also the central point which minimizes the average of the absolute deviations
but doesn't tell much about the distribution.

And I am sorry for people that focus too much on time, probably they'd "last" longer if only they stopped thinking about not finishing first.
posted by elpapacito at 3:18 AM on April 3, 2008


dgaicun: don't try to confound me with your phallogicentric logic.

case in point:

me: "so, how many partners have you had?"

she: [gives a number]

me: "really?!?? even off the top of my head, i could count double that for you"

she: "well, sex with my friends doesn't count"

me: "how many of your friends have you had sex with, then?"

she: "around 90%"

me: "90%? over how many years?"

[total suddenly blows out by a factor of ten or so]

and that's from somebody who would never in a million years feel any need to lie to protect her "reputation". just a different way of thinking about what counts, and what doesn't.

totally anecdotal, i know, but it's an anecdote that matches up with dozens of others, with zero evidence i've ever heard to the contrary.
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:43 AM on April 3, 2008


Sorry UbuRoivas, but the whole *reason* men and women count differently has a heckuva lot to do with slut-shaming/stud praising, i.e., sexism and double standards. A woman who lies/fudges her history does so because she thinks her current partner will give her grief for sluttiness. And she's usually right. Which is what makes that Clerks quote funny/sad; she lied, but then, he did shame her when he discovered the truth, and the movie ends with her being humiliated by accidentally having sex with a corpse. Serves that slut right! Is there any universe in which a man would be considered less desirable because he had lots of oral/regular sex with lots of women?

I guess we could let the study authors get by with the idea that "intercourse" means only penis-in-vagina, in which case, yeah, that probably is the shortest part. But then intercourse would not = sex.
posted by emjaybee at 4:51 AM on April 3, 2008


I thought the male/female lifetime sexual partner number discrepancy was explained away by the fact that sex workers are not often in the data set.
posted by BrotherCaine at 4:54 AM on April 3, 2008


emjaybee - as far as i can tell, we are singing from the same sheet. feel free to try to point out otherwise.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:27 AM on April 3, 2008


I heard you don't always have to fuck 'er hard. Sometimes that's just not the right thing to do. Sometimes you gotta make some love, and fuckin' give her some smooches too.
posted by waraw at 6:29 AM on April 3, 2008


Here's an algorithm I learned from my Grandma (only she called it a recipe).

Blowjob

Put it in your mouth.

Suck it:
Longer than you have to,
Deeper than you did last time, and above all,
Enthusiastically.

Serve with lots of tongue and a rare steak. Offer them a cigarette for dessert. And don't look up. No jane faces allowed; focus all your chi on the task at hand.
posted by sixswitch at 7:03 AM on April 3, 2008


Don't look up? What kind of commie nonsense is that? No offense to your wonderful grandmother, who I assume gave exquisite.... uh, nevermind.
posted by waraw at 7:56 AM on April 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


"Which is what makes that Clerks quote funny/sad; she lied, but then, he did shame her when he discovered the truth, and the movie ends with her being humiliated by accidentally having sex with a corpse. Serves that slut right!"

Wrong. Veronica, Dante's current girlfriend, gets shit for having oral sex with 37 guys (including Dante) because she gave him shit for having sex with twelve women. Caitlin, Dante's previous, and cuckolding, girlfriend is the one who has sex with the corpse in the bathroom.

And both you and Ubu are arguing the same point, in different manners—that it's social pressure that leads to women enumerating differently. As dgiacun has mentioned, that's not true: men and women tend toward different metrics with a broad set of questions, where men tend more to ballpark and women tend more to count one-by-one. This is true even with questions where there is no social stigma attached.
posted by klangklangston at 8:06 AM on April 3, 2008


Don't look up? What kind of commie nonsense is that? No offense to your wonderful grandmother, who I assume gave exquisite.... uh, nevermind.

The last thing you want to see is your grandmother's face as she blows you.
posted by klangklangston at 8:06 AM on April 3, 2008 [4 favorites]


warsaw, I don't know if you've ever seen the Gavin Crawford Show. There was a killer sketch set in a woodland re-education camp for male models, filled with attractive guys acting out camping chores for the non-existent cameras, and a teacher screaming, "No! Don't try to look like you're making a fire! Make a fire!

No jane faces: don't try to look like you're giving someone head and enjoying it.

klangklangston, it's possible to read your comment to mean the exact reverse of what I think you meant, which is kind of funny...preface it with "Before you die," and you'll see what I mean.
posted by sixswitch at 8:18 AM on April 3, 2008


dammit klang I just threw up a bit
posted by caddis at 8:36 AM on April 3, 2008


Whether his method's been debunked or not, Sting deserves some credit for having loads of endless sex with this person.
posted by thebellafonte at 9:22 AM on April 3, 2008


Sting deserves some credit for having loads of endless sex with this person.

I really hope your point is not that fifty-seven year old Sting should not be having sex with his fifty-four year old wife because she looks her age.
posted by jessamyn at 9:26 AM on April 3, 2008 [3 favorites]


Haha. I read that comment the exact other way, where TheBellaFonte was remarking on how attractive Styler was, like "Give Sting some credit, he's havin' 68-hour sex with this hottie."
posted by klangklangston at 10:01 AM on April 3, 2008


(Or "Something must be right about the way Sting fucks.")
posted by klangklangston at 10:10 AM on April 3, 2008


We're talking about Sting the wrestler, right? I thought Sting the singer only had sex with himself.
posted by not_on_display at 10:49 AM on April 3, 2008


Here's Flight of the Conchords on making love for two minutes.
posted by Xere at 12:01 PM on April 3, 2008


As dgiacun has mentioned, that's not true: men and women tend toward different metrics with a broad set of questions, where men tend more to ballpark and women tend more to count one-by-one. This is true even with questions where there is no social stigma attached.

Chalk up another data point for my feminine side, then.

But one can still count one-by-one, using a filter that decides which incidents do, or do not, count as one. These points are not mutually exclusive.

Regardless of whether people ballpark or count, I'd be very surprised if you couldn't summon up dozens of examples from your own experience of women using the "oh, but that didn't count as sex because..."

Whether this is for fear of social stigma, or due to an internal emotional reaction, or both, or something else, or a combination of the above, is probably dependent on the individual woman.
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:44 PM on April 3, 2008


13 minutes.
Yeah, good luck getting that idea past my wife.

13 minutes - 20 times each, right?
I’ve done double iron triathlons less exhausting than our anniversary.
And we’ve had two minute quickies outside. So - any sort of daily time frame here?

“tiring, annoying and chafey.”
So... they’re not aware of the tongue’s recurring (non-cameo) role?
Pedialite and Gatorade. Got a fridge at the foot of our bed.

Too many people overthink this stuff and just don’t have fun. Inexplicable that women (or anyone) feel shame at getting/receiving joy and connection with someone else. Oh, I know it exists. But damn. Own yourself. Quantifying time for sex? How long is the right amount of time to surf? Or dance? Or do a million other things that are fun to do with a partner?
“Hey Smed, you’re taking way too long chewing that gum. Optimal gum chewing time is 10-20 minutes.”
“That right? I’ve got a whole triple size pack here pal. How many sticks a day is optimal?”
“Oh, uh...”

So what’s next - the right dick length? Right vagina size? Your’s too big or too small? I bet they’re selling a pill out there.
F’ing sex therapists being the authority on what’s “normal.”

Howzabout you listen to what your partner tells you is optimal?
Radical idea, I know. But it’s not like anyone naturally dances like Fred and Ginger overnight. Takes some practice.
posted by Smedleyman at 3:48 PM on April 3, 2008 [2 favorites]


How long is the right amount of time to surf?

Now, we're finally asking the right questions.

Let's see...beginning of November to end of April, that's six months. Ten hours Saturday, ten hours sunday, two hours before & after work on weekdays. That's forty hours a week, times twenty-six weeks.

One thousand and forty hours per year.

Surfing in the cooler months isn't included, because surfing in a wetsuit is like showering in a raincoat.
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:05 PM on April 3, 2008


Man, Ubu, haven't you ever seen Endless Summer?
posted by klangklangston at 4:37 PM on April 3, 2008


nah, between surfing and fucking, i don't have time for much else.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:42 PM on April 3, 2008


That may be a good thing—after Endless Summer, there'd be no winter for fucking.
posted by klangklangston at 9:19 PM on April 3, 2008


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