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April 17, 2008 2:30 PM   Subscribe

How The Hulk Almost Got Me Laid. [Via]
posted by homunculus (42 comments total) 5 users marked this as a favorite

 
Key word: Almost.

Should have gone with the Silver Surfer.
posted by eriko at 2:41 PM on April 17, 2008


Did they really used to print peoples names and addresses in the letter section of magazines?
posted by Big_B at 2:43 PM on April 17, 2008


As someone who had a breathless missive published in a Superman comic book in the late 80s and subsequently got some weird mail because of it, I can definitely attest to full name/address publication.
posted by turaho at 2:51 PM on April 17, 2008


If I had a dollar for every time a comic book geek told me a story about the time they ALMOST got laid...
posted by tadellin at 2:54 PM on April 17, 2008 [14 favorites]


How Martian Manhunter Nearly Got Me The Nigerian Defense Budget
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 2:57 PM on April 17, 2008 [6 favorites]


Playing the "ooh, I'm all grow up and don't like nerd stuff anymore" card a little too much there I think.
posted by Artw at 3:02 PM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]


That was amusing. I especially liked this bit from the comments section, written in response to doubts expressed by several commenters as to the authenticity of "Wendy Wilson":

"And, yes, there indeed is alliteration at work here, Blogfoot. Good observation. Perhaps the trail leads right back to the offices of Marvel, and Stan Lee, the king of alliteration? One can only wonder the joy he must have had pretending to be young girls, writing on perfumed paper, his cigar bobbing excitedly between his teeth as he navigated the falling loops of a teenaged hand."
posted by Atom Eyes at 3:06 PM on April 17, 2008 [5 favorites]


The Real Reason Iron Man Will Crush The Hulk At The Box Office
posted by homunculus at 3:08 PM on April 17, 2008


That's just movies, in the real world HULK would totally SMASH PUNY IRON MAN.
posted by Artw at 3:19 PM on April 17, 2008


That's so pre-internet and remembers me of my love for paper. Expecially for handwriting, letters that come from a past, postcards with greetings from another era. That perfume of adolescent emotions, getting to know a far away person, the all pen pal thing. With the additional exotic taste of the black mysterious seductress, which probably boils down to a teenage girl with curly black hair daydreaming of being international jetset, a world of opportunity just barely skimmed by the depressive idea of sex as a scheme to get rich quick.

Vapours indeed, nice ones too.
posted by elpapacito at 3:50 PM on April 17, 2008


Sorry, I stopped reading when he implied that chaste nerds are a foregone conclusion. Hell, even Comic Book Guy got laid, didn't he?
posted by Brocktoon at 4:00 PM on April 17, 2008


The Sandman got me laid.

Yes I was in university in the mid 90s.
posted by Artw at 4:02 PM on April 17, 2008


I wrote a ton of letters in the late 80's and early 90's. So many that I actually have a minor claim to fame in comic book history. I also ended up writing for a pre-Internet "zine" titled "Comics Critics Cavalcade" because somebody read one of my letters and invited me to. And, yes, I received letters from folks from other countries, though nobody offering sex. Just lonely sounding people who wanted a pen pal.

I found myself wondering if, perhaps, it was a class assignment for an ESL class. A "Write to an English speaker" sort of thing. If you're going to need addresses of Americans that know how to use the postal service, why not use the comic book letters page?

I don't recall why I stopped writing. I think I went through a break up at that time and was spending so much of my time trying to get laid that I lost the time I was dedicating to letter writing.

Anyhow, everyone knows that if you want to use the Hulk to get you laid, you have to be talking about Peter David era Grey-Hulk.
posted by Joey Michaels at 4:15 PM on April 17, 2008


you're all wrong the way to go is Howard the Duck
posted by waraw at 4:34 PM on April 17, 2008


Howard the Duck is the kind of thing you'd think of to lose an erection.
posted by Artw at 4:42 PM on April 17, 2008


This looks like the kind of letters I get at work.
posted by klangklangston at 4:49 PM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]


ArtW sez: Playing the "ooh, I'm all grow up and don't like nerd stuff anymore" card a little too much there I think.

I completely agree. His story is undermined by his too-cool-for-school attitude.
posted by ...possums at 4:57 PM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]


From the comments: "Avoid Neil Gaiman fans. They're all fucking crazy."

A-fucking-men. And now they (along with all the crazy Buffy fans) are mucking around in English graduate departments.
posted by UKnowForKids at 4:59 PM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]


Chef, what's "laid"?
posted by porn in the woods at 5:01 PM on April 17, 2008


This looks like the kind of letters I get at work.

I'm the unfortunate recipient for people who select "Other" on our corporate Website's contact form. Sometimes you have to wonder how these people got past the captcha.
posted by meta_eli at 5:36 PM on April 17, 2008


As they say, "almost only counts in horseshoes, and hand grenades."
posted by Eekacat at 6:04 PM on April 17, 2008


Oh, man. This one time -- you guys'll love this -- this one time, I totally got laid as a result of my comic-book knowledge. Yep, it can happen.

I was fifteen -- no, fourteen. Fourteen at the time, and a huge DC nerd. So I'm at summer camp, and I meet this incredibly hot girl from Canada. And her name's Madeleine. She runs up to me one day, all breathless and disheveled, her cheeks pink. And I'm just sitting there under a tree, calmly reading the latest Detective Comics, and I'm like, "Who's this now?"

So she says, "My friends and I were having an argument about J'onn J'onnz, the Martian Manhunter. My friend says his weakness is kryptonite, but I don't think that's right. Do you know what it is?"

So I'm like, "Baby, it's fire." And I give this real smoldering look, like my heart is on fire because I'm talking to her. "His one and only weakness is fire, doll." And then I take her hands in mine, and she's like, "Of course! Thank you so much!" And then I was like, "No. Thank you."

So then, pretty obviously, we kissed. Like yeah with tongue and everything. And I heard that later, her friends were like, "Whoa, who was that guy? He seemed so smart but also pretty dangerous as if he had a secret past." And Madeleine was like, "That is my new boyfriend, and he is the best kisser I have ever known."

Yep, guys, that was a pretty wild summer. We made out ALL THE TIME even though it was against the camp's rules about fraternizing with girls. I didn't even care, because we had something really special, Madeleine and me. In fact, the last night we were there, I was talking to her about how I'm pretty good at popping wheelies and holding the bike up there for like a minute at a time, and she was so impressed that she was like, "Oh, touch my breasts." She whispered it like it was a sexy secret. And after that? What did we do then? Well, let's just say a gentleman never tells.

Yeah, I often look back at the summer and wonder what could have happened if we'd kept dating. She's a model, did I tell you guys that? Oh yeah. She was a model, then, too. She was really hot for her age. Anyway, we couldn't really stay together what with her being Canadian and all. And also, her parents were total hardasses. They were like these French-Canadian fundamentalist Christians who were all, "Vee tink tis boy is too risky for sweet girl like our daughtere." I woulda come and taken her away from all that, but she told me no, better to have loved and lost. That was pretty romantic in a way.

And you know what? She was right, you guys. She was right.
posted by Greg Nog at 6:26 PM on April 17, 2008 [25 favorites]


So I'm at summer camp, and I meet this incredibly hot girl from Canada. And her name's Madeleine.

Is this her?
posted by homunculus at 7:03 PM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]


Dude, that was totally an evil white martian you were making out with.
posted by Artw at 7:07 PM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]


The Sandman got me laid.

When Harry Met Sally got me laid. This was in the late 80's.
posted by jonmc at 7:17 PM on April 17, 2008


I always see full names and addresses in the letters section of my old Conan comics, and sometimes I want to write to guys that had hilarious (but dead-serious, to them) comments, or completely nerdy self-chosen nicknames like Bob "The Hawkman" Miller. Yeah, I know they've probably moved out of their parents' house long ago...wait, maybe not.
posted by Liosliath at 7:40 PM on April 17, 2008


Did they really used to print peoples names and addresses in the letter section of magazines?

They most certainly did, a fact that (looking back on it) kind of blows my mind. There's no way in HELL that would happen now -- if kids actually still read (American) comics, and if comics still had letters pages -- it'd be all over "Dateline" that child stalkers were using the home addresses printed in the pages of children's comics! to track down their prey. I will never tell what comic featured a letter written by a young kittens for breakfast in its pages, complete with home address, but I can report that the only mail I got as a consequence was a xerox of an upcoming first issue that DC Comics hoped I would rave over*, and an invite to a local comics fans group sent to me on Star Trek stationery. Which, even as a twelve-year-old nerd who wrote letters to comic books, I found unbelievably dorky. ...I totally went, of course. It was pretty dorky.

*It sucked. Did you know there was a comics tie-in to the M.A.S.K toys? When I say M.A.S.K. toys, do you even have any idea what the fuck I could possibly be talking about? Well. There you go. The comic was about as good as it sounds. Man, was I disappointed.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 7:48 PM on April 17, 2008


RAWWWWRRRRR!!!! HULK HELP PENCIL-NECKED GEEK GET NOOKIE! RAWWWWRRRR!!!!!
posted by jason's_planet at 8:09 PM on April 17, 2008


When I say M.A.S.K. toys, do you even have any idea what the fuck I could possibly be talking about?

Sadly, yes.
posted by A dead Quaker at 8:18 PM on April 17, 2008


I'm contemplating an FPP on the Zoids comic, because that rocked.
posted by Artw at 8:19 PM on April 17, 2008


I am in no way sad about knowing what M.A.S.K. was. Those were the best action figure vehicles of the 80s.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 8:27 PM on April 17, 2008


"It sucked. Did you know there was a comics tie-in to the M.A.S.K toys? When I say M.A.S.K. toys, do you even have any idea what the fuck I could possibly be talking about? Well. There you go. The comic was about as good as it sounds. Man, was I disappointed."

I totally had that comic and it totally sucked ass! I loved the TV show too, but we were to poor to get the toys.
posted by klangklangston at 9:09 PM on April 17, 2008


I had a couple of letters published in a comic book title back when they would print one's entire address. I made a few pen pals that way, one of which I am still in touch with more than 15 years later (I was even in his wedding).

Pre-Internet, geeky kids had to make friends somehow. I understand why they don't print full addresses anymore in letter pages but for my part, I am grateful that they once did.
posted by darksong at 9:24 PM on April 17, 2008


I'm contemplating an FPP on the Zoids comic, because that rocked.

And I just did.
posted by Artw at 9:42 PM on April 17, 2008


Here's the intro for M.A.S.K. - awesomely corny. I like how the old general-looking guy gets a mask with epaulets and insignia. Holy nostalgia. This is the kind of post that can set me off on YouTube all night, looking up intros for Automan and Night Flight. I'm going to bed before that happens.
posted by dammitjim at 9:46 PM on April 17, 2008


Yeah, I got my first penpal after being listed in the back of an issue of Marvel Age in the late 80s. He was a scandalous four-or-so years older and my mother was convinced he was going to drive from Baltimore to Boston to molest me, because any male comics geek had to be some kind of pervert.

She got over it. However, Mr. Fairytale (a big Hellblazer and Doom Patrol fan) bears an uncanny resemblance to Kevin Matchstick. And I blame early exposure to Chris Claremont's work for my prurient interest in, uh...

British folk music.

Seduction of the innocent, indeed.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 10:07 PM on April 17, 2008


I didn't read the comic book, but M.A.S.K was awesome.
posted by cmonkey at 11:14 PM on April 17, 2008


Dave Sim used to run ridiculously long and discursive proto-emo-geek letters in Cerebus complete with mailing addresses, and at least one relationship sort of played out its opening stages there.
posted by dhartung at 11:57 PM on April 17, 2008


I thought this meant Lou Ferrigno had finally written his autobiography.
posted by puckupdate at 3:28 AM on April 18, 2008


The Sandman got me laid.

When Harry Met Sally got me laid.


I got me laid.
posted by slimepuppy at 3:52 AM on April 18, 2008 [1 favorite]


The Sandman got me laid.

When Harry Met Sally got me laid.

I got me laid.


You never call :(
posted by Sparx at 4:22 AM on April 18, 2008


Hulk vs. Thor
posted by owhydididoit at 9:33 AM on April 18, 2008


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