"an expression of truckliness"

April 24, 2008 4:47 PM

Senate lawmakers in Florida move to ban fake testicles on vehicles. NSFW(?)
posted by mrducts (88 comments total)

fascinating.
posted by mrgrimm at 4:52 PM on April 24

They can have my ChatSack when they pry it from my cold, dead hands. I'm threeballin'!
posted by DecemberBoy at 4:52 PM on April 24 [2 favorites]

That's just nuts.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:54 PM on April 24 [3 favorites]

They're going to leave consumers holding the bag.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:54 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]

To sum up the rest of this thread:

1) Freedom of speech
2) Yeah, but truck nuts
3) shut UP beavis
posted by DU at 4:56 PM on April 24 [15 favorites]

Also, great use of the "vehiculargonads" tag. Also, "nutz".
posted by DecemberBoy at 4:56 PM on April 24 [2 favorites]

If Bruce Lee put one of these on a truck he owned, I wonder if he would have bought one that only had one testicle?
posted by Astro Zombie at 4:57 PM on April 24

No, that would be Lance RAMstrong.

(I know, that's a dodgy pun)
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:58 PM on April 24

I'd be okay with this if the Nutz weren't so realistically wrinkled. Because that's just nasty.
posted by Bookhouse at 4:58 PM on April 24

This is a terrible idea. Bumper Nuts are a clear indication of the kind of human being who owns the truck, and provide invaluable information to other drivers, i.e., that this here is a needle-dicked low-class no 'count with something to prove. Or, in other words, that he "AIN'T SKEERED."
posted by Countess Elena at 4:58 PM on April 24 [12 favorites]

Well, AZ, the ChatSack Solo is the upper-end model....
posted by Navelgazer at 4:59 PM on April 24

People worry about the children when they ask just say 'some people are mongrel neanderthropods left over from the triassic'. Learning experience.
posted by norabarnacl3 at 4:59 PM on April 24

what a great opportunity to play a prank on some friends. put some trucknutz on their prius and wait for the fun to start. "why no officer, i'm not aware that there is a pair of testicles attached to my vehicle..."

which begs the question, how realistic-looking do these have to be before you get busted? will pet dogs also have to lose their testicles? what if said dog is in the back of your pickup?
posted by mano at 5:00 PM on April 24 [2 favorites]

You know, I had envisioned going through my entire life never seeing the phrase "click here for camo nutz!", yet upon viewing the link for the actual purveyors of said vehicular gonads, that all changed. Such a rich tapestry is this life.
posted by DecemberBoy at 5:05 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]

Bull Balls work best on a Taurus, less so on a Volvo or a Monza.
posted by Tube at 5:08 PM on April 24

When truck nuts are outlawed, only outlaws will have truck nuts.
posted by mullingitover at 5:09 PM on April 24 [8 favorites]

lolflorida
posted by krinklyfig at 5:11 PM on April 24 [2 favorites]

How am I gonna keep my '92 Acclaim going now? They're taking away its will to live...
posted by pupdog at 5:11 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]

I'm just glad they come in two different shades of blue.
posted by 517 at 5:13 PM on April 24

Lawmaker talking trucks and testicles.
posted by KokuRyu at 5:14 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]

you learn something new every day.
posted by jason's_planet at 5:20 PM on April 24

Obligatory?
posted by clearlynuts at 5:22 PM on April 24

Can we all just agree that anything—ANYthing—one adds to his or her vehicle is tacky? Let's make a short but representative list:

Truck balls
Truck ovaries
Calvin peeing on something
Calvin praying on something
Christian fish
Darwin fish
Truth fish eating the Darwin fish
Bush-Cheney 04 bumper sticker
Obama bumper sticker
"Martin Sheen is my president" bumper sticker
Those goddamn Grateful Dead bears
Truck boobs
College alumnus decal
Business school decal
Luxury car brand plates
Personalized license plate
Meaningless, uninteresting state-chosen license plate
Rear spoilers
Performance exhaust
"Baby on Board" sign
"Ma Familia" decals
"This car runs on biodiesel" stickers
Smug-ass bicycle racks
Calvin peeing on the Darwin fish
posted by infinitewindow at 5:26 PM on April 24 [8 favorites]

but this will totally mess up their tire valves.
posted by snofoam at 5:29 PM on April 24

That youtube is just great. State lawmakers continue to live up to my expectations.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 5:30 PM on April 24

Don't nick your bag!
posted by porn in the woods at 5:39 PM on April 24

I've always supported vehicular testicles for exactly the reason Countess Elena mentioned, they are a fantastic indicator of the type of person I find to be annoying and obnoxious. I mean, how often to morons conveniently label themselves for our benefit?

"Big truck == small dick" [1], and the giant metal testicles just show the penis anxiety and pathetic overcompensation of the sort of person who drives a giant truck in even more obvious terms.

[1] Genuine working trucks aren't included in that calculation.
posted by sotonohito at 5:41 PM on April 24

What if I also get some rubber hands and attach them to my exhaust pipe such that it looks as if the hands are trying to stretch the opening of the exhaust pipe wider? Would that work?
posted by LionIndex at 5:46 PM on April 24 [11 favorites]

Calvin peeing on things is already banned.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 5:50 PM on April 24

I didn't know they made neuticles for vehicles.
posted by grounded at 5:51 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]

I always thought you needed to be a member of the Bad Boy Club to buy trucknuts. However, that site doesn't ask for any proof of membership.
posted by eyeballkid at 5:51 PM on April 24

My lovely, and totally ass-backwards, state of Virginia tried this last January.It strains the imagination to wonder what goes through lawmakers minds when they think that an issue like this warrants enough attention to jump ahead of the 3 billion more pressing issues we need to attend to first.

And, yes, bumper nuts are stupid and possibly offensive. But so are politicians.
posted by Benny Andajetz at 5:58 PM on April 24

There may be a tremendously simple way to get around this law.

Is there any law against hanging actual testicles from your truck?
posted by flarbuse at 5:59 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]

infinitewindow writes "Truck ovaries"

I'm trying to picture that.
posted by krinklyfig at 5:59 PM on April 24

On Chuck Norris' truck, those aren't fake.
posted by telstar at 6:01 PM on April 24 [2 favorites]

C'mon, there's no need for a draconian law that bans production of nuts for trucks. You just need regulation. As in: "Artificially rendered vehicular testicles must be no larger than actual owner's testicles, as measured while submersed in a cold lake on a brisk winter's morn'."
posted by krippledkonscious at 6:03 PM on April 24

In a different forum at a different time it might be interesting to compare this phenomena with the lingam and various other cultural symbols from around the world.

However, at the moment we're staying just ahead of "*penis*! [snicker]" so I'm not going to press my luck.
posted by tkolar at 6:04 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]

As long as Scrotoss stays legal, I'm content.
posted by anthill at 6:11 PM on April 24

The way to get around this is to hang the testicles from your shotgun. Nobody's gonna mess with your God-given right to sport a pair of matched Purdies with plum pendants, or a high-tech Testicle and Koch from the rear window of your truck. Simply tell them that the nutsack is a chinrest and that anyone who wants to interfere with your right to bare balls is acting unconstitutionally and is downright un-American to boot.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 6:30 PM on April 24 [3 favorites]

When my wife and I first saw these on the road, we went back and forth about what they were. Yes, it certainly looked like a rubber scrotum, but no one would want that on their car, would they?

Yeah.
posted by everichon at 6:34 PM on April 24

This is patently sexist, as nobody is proposing to ban uterine representations on the front ends of trucks.
posted by paulsc at 6:39 PM on April 24 [2 favorites]

But they have NutSacks to cover up your TruckNuts: "Perfect for Church and other get togethers!"

Because you can't have the Sunday School teacher see yer nutz.
posted by GuyZero at 6:43 PM on April 24

Here is a picture that I took of a truck parked in a lot at work. I'm so out of touch that I though it was a waterproof lock cover for the spare tire until somebody set me straigt.
posted by fixedgear at 6:44 PM on April 24

It's impossible to say this without revealing the fact that I have the sense of humor of a weeded up twelve year old, but this FPP cracked me the fuck up.
posted by The Straightener at 6:47 PM on April 24

Related: " Penis theft panic hits city" (Reuters).
posted by stbalbach at 7:01 PM on April 24

You know, the other day, I was walking down the street and saw a great dane that hadn't been fixed. I guess his owner was planning on breeding him or something. When I saw that dog's enormous nutsack dangling about three and a half feet off the ground - exactly at eye level for many small kids - I realized that we had to create legislation to prevent children from ever seeing them.

That's why I've written to my congressmen asking that legislation be introduced immediately into congress to chop the balls off of all male animals.

Children will be safe from the horror of testes for all time once my bill is passed.
posted by Joey Michaels at 7:19 PM on April 24

No, that would be Lance RAMstrong.

(I know, that's a dodgy pun)

Dodge pun, actually.
posted by Zinger at 7:19 PM on April 24

It's obvious we can all snark over this, but I swear I would just like to hear one guy who put those things on his vehicle, and the reason why, and why he thought it was cool, and what it meant to him.

Its a total sub culture I just don't understand.

Hey man....got me a new dodge with balls on it. Lets go beat up some fags er sumfin
posted by timsteil at 7:20 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]

When I see stuff like this I just want to misappropriate the fuck out of it. People who mod their cars? Well I wanted to put a huuuuuge spoiler on the back of my car, one on the roof, and one on the hood. I'm talking like five feet tall, maybe with multiple wings like a bi-plane.

When I see these on the road I just want to put an enormous vagina on the hood of my car. Labia majora peeled all the way back to my doors. Maybe I could rig up my wiper pump to route through the urethra. Either that, or make some paper mache testicles to hang off the back of my Matrix. Black (to match), about four feet across, wrinkly. It's a hatchback, so it would probably block my view, but that's ok.

I want black giant old man balls on my car.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 7:31 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]

timsteil: My neighbor had them on his truck, and the best motivation for it I could figure out was that he thought it was funny. Subconsciously there might be more to it, but as far as he was concerned it was hilarious.

I personally find them kind of dumb, but obviously the people with them don't, so...*shrug*
posted by Stunt at 7:33 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]

Story a reporter and I did on the woman behind Bumpernuts. If only the Times had the balls to run the photo I shot of the woman sitting behind a table full of these things with this total shit eating grin on her face.

Oh, and for the record I couldn't be happier that my elected officials are wasting my tax money outlawing testes from car bumpers. Fucking clowns.
posted by photoslob at 7:42 PM on April 24

A guy in my neighborhood here in Florida made his own truck balls with a purpose. He bought some Chinese chiming iron balls, in 25mm diameter, and molded them into a thin "nutsack" he squeezed out of RTV silicone caulk, with a copper wire hanger loop molded in. He hangs 'em on his hitch, particularly when trailering his boat, where they make a dandy high side bump warning, at the more uneven boat ramps around here. He says he can hear 'em hitting pavement or rocks, from his cab, even when he can't see what is about to scrape or jam his hitch, in his mirrors.

Just the ticket, he says, for the solo boating enthusiast.
posted by paulsc at 7:49 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]

I swear I would just like to hear one guy who put those things on his vehicle

I know at least one woman who has them on her truck.
posted by fshgrl at 7:56 PM on April 24

Guy I used to work with had 'em. As I heard it secondhand, he thought it was funny, and he thought of himself as, yeah, making fun of people who like that kind of thing less ironically.
posted by box at 8:08 PM on April 24

Cut to the good stuff.
posted by netbros at 8:33 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]

Florida lawmakers are concerned that use of Truck Nuts will lead to Oozinator drive-by shootings.
posted by Tube at 8:48 PM on April 24

Can we outlaw Florida? It's America's flaccid, droopy, impotent embarrassment.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 8:50 PM on April 24 [2 favorites]

Can we outlaw Florida? It's America's flaccid, droopy, impotent embarrassment.

I thought that stupid title was going to be associated with me forever. Thanks, Florida!
posted by maxwelton at 9:12 PM on April 24

As the balls age they turn into a fleshy, scary looking uHaul.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 10:10 PM on April 24

Story a reporter and I did on the woman behind Bumpernuts.

Oh good, St. Petersburg. I was so worried that we wouldn't be adequately represented on this very important issue. The animated squirrels with enormous swinging balls give her website such a classy touch.
posted by mewithoutyou at 10:38 PM on April 24

They can have my ChatSack when they pry it from my cold, dead hands. I'm threeballin'!

You know who else had the Solo, by Karl Lagerfeld?

Yes, that's right. His mother, who had confiscated one early in life with the intention of donating it to medical science , persuaded him to put it on display in the Albert Hall.

What? It's an iconic cultural object! It definitely deserves a place in the V and A's permanent collection rather than being continuously 'on loan' to the AH. Iconic it may be, but it's not like it plays an instrument or anything.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 11:55 PM on April 24

What would be even more effective is a law that allows police to cut them off the truck with a pair of hedge clippers. Also, the owner has to watch.

Seriously though, like peeing calvin stickers, these vehicular testicles serve a useful purpose; they make it far easier to identify douches in the wild.
posted by Mitrovarr at 11:57 PM on April 24

Also: shouldn't the title of this post be 'an expression of truckulinity' ?

Or has my own Karl Lagerfeld chatsack started turning me into a grammar nazi?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 12:49 AM on April 25

Seriously though, like peeing calvin stickers, these vehicular testicles serve a useful purpose; they make it far easier to identify douches in the wild.

And lawmakers trying to ban them also serves a useful purpose; they make it far easier to identify douches in the state government.
posted by three blind mice at 3:13 AM on April 25

This is nothing. I had my truck circumcised and pierced.
posted by longbaugh at 4:41 AM on April 25

The way to get around this is to hang the testicles from your shotgun.

So true. My brother, a resident of central PA, liked to set off fireworks at his yearly BBQ. After the police hassled him, he switched to fireworks that were shot from a 12 gauge. They were kind of like regular fireworks, and designed to scare birds away from crops. No problem now, as he said, "if it comes from the barrel of a gun, it's constitutionally protected."

I suppose fireworks that spell something out would be Ok too, free speech and all.
posted by StickyCarpet at 4:44 AM on April 25

I'd be willing to associate my genitalia with various motorcars (not at the same time though. Ouch!) for a small fee.
posted by oxford blue at 5:23 AM on April 25

OMG, what's next, pissing Calvins??? Mud flap girls? WOW stickers?
posted by VicNebulous at 6:14 AM on April 25

Turn the steering wheel to the left and cough, please.
posted by Kabanos at 6:30 AM on April 25 [1 favorite]

Florida truly is paradise. Their lawmakers have solve all the serious problems of modern existance and can now spend millions of taxpayer dollars on things like deliberating the removal of potentially offensive plastic dangles from cars. Bravo Florida, huzzah to you!
posted by Pollomacho at 6:30 AM on April 25

Peeing Calvin stickers are already illegal though, right?
posted by ODiV at 7:54 AM on April 25

I want to get a set of these trucknuts and dangle them right in front of one of those trailer hitch props that spin when you drive.

I just like the idea of people wincing at the perpetual near castration my car is experiencing.
posted by quin at 7:54 AM on April 25

ODiV Dunno about illegal, but they're copyright violation. Watterson never allowed any Calvin & Hobbes merchendise to be licensed, so every one of the pissing Calvin, and the (to my mind anyway) more annoying praying Calvin, stickers is a violation of his copyright.

Of course, enforcing that has proven to be neigh impossible, and Watterson doesn't seem to have any desire to expend his personal time and resources going after the manufacturers.

I always did wonder how all the twits with the praying Calvin sticker rationalize it as not violating the 8th commandment.....
posted by sotonohito at 8:45 AM on April 25

Er... I meant "illegal" in the sense of criminal law, not civil law.
posted by sotonohito at 8:46 AM on April 25

In related news, Florida is also considering a license plate proclaiming your faith in Christ. Complete with cross, stained glass window, and the text "I Believe".

Presumably a plate saying "أشهد أن لا إله إلاَّ الله و أشهد أن محمد رسول الله" will come soon after. Preferably in a lush green with a beautiful minaret on the background.
posted by Nelson at 9:04 AM on April 25

Copyright can be prosecuted in criminal law also, at least here in Australia.
posted by oxford blue at 9:05 AM on April 25

What dem squiggles say?
posted by oxford blue at 9:06 AM on April 25

From photoslob's profile:

"For some people, (taters) symbolize courage, which for me gets me all choked up. It does."

She thinks about them over there in the desert, dangling from the back of those big tanks. It makes her so proud her eyes water.

This is where, a few years ago, I would have made some wishful crack about emigrating to Holland. I realize now, though, that the idiotic will always be with us.

If you are a Dutch IT shop and need a sys admin, meMail me.
posted by everichon at 9:11 AM on April 25

oo
posted by Kadin2048 at 9:17 AM on April 25

Has anyone started selling matching wangs to go along with the nuts? Am I smelling a ground-floor opportunity here?
posted by jquinby at 9:44 AM on April 25

I, for one, support this law.

For too long have we had problems with Truck Aggression. Consider how many times you've been minding your own business in traffic, only to have a Dodge Ram attack your minivan. This aggression will not stand! (man)

And every time I take the old Prius out , I have to worry about some Dually trying to hump it. For the last time! It's a Hybrid, it's not in heat. I bet that mongrel doesn't even have its papers. This is a purebreed Toyota.

So I whole heartedly support this legislation of castrating vehicles.
posted by fnord at 10:41 AM on April 25

Am I smelling a ground-floor opportunity here?

No. That's definitely not what you're smelling.
posted by ODiV at 11:24 AM on April 25

You left this out of the list. I used to have one on my car because I thought it was funny. One day someone followed me home and I thought, oh no, I'm going to get a lecture from an offended Christian. Turns out they just wanted to know where I bought it.

I think it's a silly fad and also a waste of lawmakers' time just to please a few stick in the muds. Goodness knows we have enough to be depressed about in this world without worrying what people put on their cars. Let people have a laugh. Free the ball sacks from this tyranny!
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 11:39 AM on April 25

Hanging nuts trump hanging chads.
posted by Neiltupper at 1:22 PM on April 25

As a Murkhin, I demand that y'all respect my right not t'be affenned.
posted by oncogenesis at 2:18 PM on April 25

Bullard, wtf. Guess I'll have to be making another enraged call or writing another enraged letter to my local (Florida) legislators, to prompt only a letter saying "I share your concern that religious faith be encouraged by government".

Yeah, seriously, this will bite Florida when the Muslims and the atheists want a plate. Except this plan won't even get to the point of letting other groups have a plate; rather the whole plan will be thrown out, as the intent is blatantly discriminatory:

Bullard, the plate's sponsor, isn't sure all groups should be able to express their preference. If atheists came up with an "I Don't Believe" plate, for example, he would probably oppose it.

Also, why the Jew-hate specifically?

"It's not a road I want to go down. I don't want to see the Star of David next. I don't want to see a Torah next. None of that stuff is appropriate to me," said Skidmore, a Democrat who voted against the plate in committee. "I just believe that."

posted by vsync at 2:31 PM on April 25

Dem squiggles say that Nelson testifies that there is no god but God, and that Mohammed is his prophet. (Doesn't seem quite correct, though -- some of those vowel marks look fishy. Also, you wouldn't usually say "I testify that X", but simply "X".)
posted by phliar at 3:02 PM on April 25 [1 favorite]

Your testicles are safe!

[for the moment]
posted by tkolar at 12:25 PM on May 2