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Are the seams in your hose often crooked?
May 14, 2008 8:17 AM   Subscribe

Ladies, before you go searching for love from one of those online matchmaking sites, be sure to tally up your merits and demerits on this Marital Rating Scale.
posted by Dave Faris (70 comments total) 14 users marked this as a favorite

 
Context...
posted by Armitage Shanks at 8:21 AM on May 14, 2008


I don't get it! Even if you have each thing on the merits side, it only adds up to 24 merits..which is very bad. Or maybe thats the point?

wow, crooked stocking, face cream, AND curlers! I thought thats what all housewives did in the 30's-50's!

Glad I'm where I am now and not back then.
posted by aacheson at 8:22 AM on May 14, 2008


A bit more context
posted by tawny at 8:22 AM on May 14, 2008


I just emailed this to my wife, with instructions to fill it out and return it to me by the end of business today. I am confident this will end well.
posted by joelhunt at 8:23 AM on May 14, 2008 [17 favorites]


I don't get it! Even if you have each thing on the merits side, it only adds up to 24 merits..which is very bad.

You're only looking at one page. This might help: Flickr set of whole booklet
posted by hjo3 at 8:29 AM on May 14, 2008 [9 favorites]


I would move Demerit #2 to the Merits list, and Merit #11 to the Demerit list. Other than that, seems pretty solid.
posted by Wolfdog at 8:30 AM on May 14, 2008 [1 favorite]


I'm just glad that you lose as much for "Seams in hose often crooked"as you gain for "Good sense of humor" or "Can carry on an interesting conversation." Finally, a chart designed with the needs of a nylon-fetishist in mind!
posted by Someone has just shot your horse! at 8:33 AM on May 14, 2008 [1 favorite]


I was filling this out for my wife, worried that #9 (puts cold feet on husband in bed) would ruin her score for her and I'd have to leave her, when she called me from the bike shop to tell me she took my bike in for a tune-up.

No matter what her score, I think I'll keep her. She'll never know just how close she came.
posted by bondcliff at 8:35 AM on May 14, 2008 [11 favorites]


Also, Merit #2 would be "automatic win".
posted by Wolfdog at 8:36 AM on May 14, 2008


Looks like viral marketing for Mad Men.
posted by basicchannel at 8:37 AM on May 14, 2008 [1 favorite]


I didn't see "Makes Sammiches On Demand" or "Always up for Surprise Buttsecks" on the Merit side so I can't see how this rating scale has any credibility.
posted by MikeMc at 8:39 AM on May 14, 2008 [7 favorites]


Finally, a chart designed with the needs of a nylon-fetishist in mind!

Except that on the full chart 'walks around house in stocking feet' is a negative.
posted by winna at 8:41 AM on May 14, 2008


On the other hand, if she "reacts with pleasure and delight to marital congress," she would receive 10 merits.

Makes it sound like she ought to be skipping through a sunny meadow with a basket of sex toys.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:42 AM on May 14, 2008 [1 favorite]


winna: "Finally, a chart designed with the needs of a nylon-fetishist in mind!

Except that on the full chart 'walks around house in stocking feet' is a negative.
"

She's supposed to be wearing 4" heals at all times.
posted by octothorpe at 8:43 AM on May 14, 2008


How is it possible that #11 and #12, in both the merits and demerits columns, can occur together without irony?
posted by gurple at 8:46 AM on May 14, 2008


Wait a minute, what the hell is wrong with Red fingernail polish?
posted by khaibit at 8:46 AM on May 14, 2008


Wow, the husband got a merit, even in 1939, for being an "[a]rdent lover--sees that wife has orgasm in marital congress."
posted by uncleozzy at 8:48 AM on May 14, 2008


Under the "Merits"--

10. Good sense of humor--jolly and gay.

Men, if the woman you intend to marry is gay, the marriage probably won't work out that well.
posted by Kibbutz at 8:49 AM on May 14, 2008 [1 favorite]


I never noticed it before, but that word has a double meaning!
posted by Wolfdog at 8:50 AM on May 14, 2008 [6 favorites]


It's true, I do fail to wash the top of the milk bottle before opening it. On the positive side, I got a total score of 25, just squeaking out of "very poor" into "poor." Sweet.
posted by raevyne at 8:50 AM on May 14, 2008


The "warms feet on husband in bed" thing seems adorable and intimate. Did everyone mistake playful discomfort for willful annoyance back then?

Hay wait this is younger than McCain, too!
posted by cowbellemoo at 8:52 AM on May 14, 2008 [3 favorites]


uncleozzy, that's only if the wife follows #23 and "Reacts with pleasure and delight".
posted by octothorpe at 8:57 AM on May 14, 2008


The Flickr set previously mentioned has the same thing for husbands. I'm hiding it from my wife.

Wait, can you hide something that's on the internet? Oh, God...
posted by unSane at 8:58 AM on May 14, 2008


Wow, the husband got a merit, even in 1939, for being an "[a]rdent lover--sees that wife has orgasm in marital congress."

Not only that, but it's worth the largest number of merits that can be received on either scale.
posted by Johnny Assay at 9:00 AM on May 14, 2008


unSane:

c:\Windows\system32\drivers\etc\hosts.

127.0.0.1 flickr.com
posted by Dave Faris at 9:02 AM on May 14, 2008 [3 favorites]


Turns out that, while I'd be a "very superior" husband, my girlfriend would be a "poor" (though on the border of "average") wife. I might need to rethink this, as certainly I can do better than someone who goes about in stocking feet, wears pajamas instead of nightgowns, and squeezes the toothpaste from the top.

Thanks, Dr. Crane, for saving me a lifetime of heartache!
posted by uncleozzy at 9:04 AM on May 14, 2008


I just took the test for myself and my husband and he rates as "superior" and I rate as "poor." We are both extremely messy but apparently I get dinged more for it.
posted by sutel at 9:04 AM on May 14, 2008


Wait a minute, what the hell is wrong with Red fingernail polish?

= hussy, tramp. Same with bright red lipstick.

I will at least give this credit for having merits and demerits for the husband's behavior too. Most of these "how to be a good wife" things were all about what the women should do for the men.
posted by Zinger at 9:05 AM on May 14, 2008


They could have boosted up the point size. I thought "dresses for breakfast" said "diseases for breakfast".
posted by dasheekeejones at 9:13 AM on May 14, 2008


Wait a minute, what the hell is wrong with Red fingernail polish?

Why don't you tell us, JEZEBEL!

She's supposed to be wearing 4" heals at all times.

And "dress for breakfast".

I'm also trying to figure out why women should be religious but men should be allowed to "sleep in on Sunday".
posted by Avenger at 9:14 AM on May 14, 2008 [2 favorites]


She's supposed to be wearing 4" heals at all times.

Do you think Flavor Flav made his women fill this out? If so, I'm guessing the 4" heels are clear.

Oh and only Jesus would wear 4" "heals".
posted by dasheekeejones at 9:17 AM on May 14, 2008


Ok, I guess I am really dumb? But wife maximum score is 25, or poor?

So this has to be a joke, right?
posted by zach4000 at 9:18 AM on May 14, 2008


This is fried gold. Especially as several of my friends are getting married soon.
posted by slimepuppy at 9:34 AM on May 14, 2008


Cute, but after reading both the husband and wife questions I've gotta say that once you strip away the rigidity regarding sex roles and some other obvious anachronisms, it offers some fairly decent advice on being considerate of others and pleasant to live with.
posted by tula at 9:45 AM on May 14, 2008


Husband's Merit Scale #9: Reads newspaper, books, or magazines aloud to wife. Because we can't read on our own?
posted by cereselle at 9:45 AM on May 14, 2008


Ok, I guess I am really dumb? But wife maximum score is 25, or poor?

So this has to be a joke, right?
posted by zach4000 at 11:18 AM on May 14


Not dumb, you just didn't read the comments. All the pages are at the Flickr link above.
posted by Ynoxas at 9:50 AM on May 14, 2008


Yeah, this is the least objectionable one of these I've ever come across. Having a scorecard for husband is a step forward.

"Least objectionable" is relative, obviously, as there are a lot of assumptions about the proper roles for husbands and wives but at least there is a recognition that wives and husbands need to work at a good marriage.
posted by Justinian at 9:54 AM on May 14, 2008


Husband's Merit Scale #9: Reads newspaper, books, or magazines aloud to wife. Because we can't read on our own?

I'm pretty sure that spouses reading to eachother is a very positive sign in terms of having a happy marriage.
posted by Justinian at 9:55 AM on May 14, 2008 [2 favorites]


I think this is the same Dr. Crane who wrote demented columns about how feminists just needed to give up more "boudoir cheesecake" for their men and settle down -- he was a serious loon, especially toward the end of his syndicated run.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 10:02 AM on May 14, 2008


Where's the fellatio merit box? Or did they not have that way back in the day...?
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:14 AM on May 14, 2008


Since some of my best features earn demerits here, I suspect it contains a secret test for lesbianism. Also that I'm not OCD, given some of the questions here. Win/win.
posted by Tehanu at 10:18 AM on May 14, 2008


I was going to send this on to my girlfriend, but then I thought about next Valentine's Day. Think I'll keep this in my hip pocket 'til then.
posted by Pecinpah at 10:28 AM on May 14, 2008 [2 favorites]


Husband's Merit Scale #9: Reads newspaper, books, or magazines aloud to wife. Because we can't read on our own?

I do this with my wife sometimes. She cuddles up and it turns reading into a really lovely, snuggly group experience, instead of a solo activity.
posted by Project F at 10:33 AM on May 14, 2008 [1 favorite]


Mmmmmm..... boudoir cheesecake......

As for "Dresses For Breakfast", well, that's just common sense. It's painful to cook bacon naked.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:52 AM on May 14, 2008


Husband leaves dresser drawers open? AND shoes in the living room? DTMFA!
posted by eponymouse at 10:59 AM on May 14, 2008 [1 favorite]


(I did lose a point for monopolizing the radio on Sundays as for the baseball broadcasts.)
posted by uncleozzy at 11:07 AM on May 14, 2008


how is being religious an asset?
how is red nail polish detremential?
where are the "does she take it up the butt" questions?

this is just another lame "look at how sexist the world used to be" thngs. unfortunately I've already laughed about these kind of things a few hundred times.
posted by krautland at 11:08 AM on May 14, 2008


> this is just another lame "look at how sexist the world used to be" thngs. unfortunately I've already laughed about these kind of things a few hundred times.

Not laughing at our lame jokes? That's a demerit! Now get dressed and make us some breakfast.
posted by billyfleetwood at 11:32 AM on May 14, 2008 [3 favorites]


krautland, well it's good you showed up to let us all know how lame you aren't. WORDUP DUDE.
posted by chunking express at 11:33 AM on May 14, 2008 [2 favorites]


Come on, krautland ... it's from 1939. Nothing bad ever happened in 1939.
posted by Dave Faris at 11:37 AM on May 14, 2008 [7 favorites]


Hey! Mens #42 is exactly what it says on my business card.
posted by rusty at 11:46 AM on May 14, 2008


Husband's Merit Scale #9: Reads newspaper, books, or magazines aloud to wife.

Actually, this is really nice, especially when one of you is cooking or doing the dishes. But we've mostly switched to radio because of that problem.

This is on the women's merit list: "Reacts with pleasure and delight to marital congress" (10). Personally, I would have thought that her pleasure is his job (just as his pleasure is hers). I supose it just means being interested; making an effort to be interested in important in a relationship (especially when stress can really affect sex drives).

But I think I should have gotten more than one point for this: "Keeps self dainty, perfumes and feminine" - now, he hates perfumes, so I don't have to worry about that, but I've been working really hard to stay female (which matters, because he's straight), and I want more recognition for that.

But yeah, I'm sucky wife material. Don't even wear stockings, let alone straight ones. And I come from a culture that believes shoes on in the house is both uncomfortable and rude/unclean.
posted by jb at 11:47 AM on May 14, 2008


Personally, I would have thought that her pleasure is his job.

Didn't you see what the highest point value on the husband's scale is? Yeeeaaaah, number 38.
posted by supercres at 12:05 PM on May 14, 2008


My husband only got 44, though, and that was with that bonus super highly rated merit.
posted by jb at 12:34 PM on May 14, 2008


On the husband scale, I like that "regrets getting married" is on par with "leaves shoes in the living room."
posted by rmless at 12:49 PM on May 14, 2008 [1 favorite]


... What's boudoir cheesecake?
posted by bettafish at 1:24 PM on May 14, 2008


It's like breakfast in bed, except it's dessert.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 1:27 PM on May 14, 2008 [1 favorite]


"Draws on tablecloth with pencil."

When they're that specific, I just think of the bizarre and obscure laws like "lions are not allowed to drive cars on Thursdays if their human passenger is not wearing a cravat" that you just know are only on the books because one random dude had a serious problem. Somewhere in the 1930's was a woman with severe doodling issues.
posted by Dormant Gorilla at 2:16 PM on May 14, 2008 [2 favorites]


"Gives wife ample allowance or turns over pay check to her."

"Belches without apology." Oops.
posted by kirkaracha at 2:26 PM on May 14, 2008


I got a negative six.

Please send me your spare cats.
posted by cmyk at 2:33 PM on May 14, 2008 [2 favorites]


When they're that specific, I just think of the bizarre and obscure laws like "lions are not allowed to drive cars on Thursdays if their human passenger is not wearing a cravat" that you just know are only on the books because one random dude had a serious problem. Somewhere in the 1930's was a woman with severe doodling issues.

That reminds me of "10,000 Dreams Interpreted" which was written by Herman Miller in 1901. It's STILL on the shelves in nearly every bookstore, it's the classic standard dream interpretation book, I guess. Anyhow I remember in high school (mid 1980s) I was thumbing through it while on the phone with a friend. We rode horses so I started reading what the horse dreams were. Started out pretty dull... "seeing or riding a white horse," "see a horse running away with others," "see a wounded horse"... very pedestrian stuff. As I kept reading, both my friend and I were kind of falling asleep because we were really just doing what teenagers do and continuing to talk about nothing for hours on end even though we had nothing important to say.

So I continued reading the dreams... "trimming a horse's mane...", "riding a black horse...", "riding a horse down hill...", blah blah blah. We're both nearly asleep as I start to read the very last dream in this classic book. Which, since 1901, has apparently gone exactly like this:

To see a horse in human flesh, descending on a hammock through the air, and as it nears your house is metamorphosed into a man, and he approaches your door and throws something at you which seems to be rubber but turns into great bees, denotes miscarriage of hopes and useless endeavors to regain lost valuables. To see animals in human flesh, signifies great advancement to the dreamer, and new friends will be made by modest wearing of well-earned honors. If the human flesh appears diseased or freckled, the miscarriage of well-laid plans is denoted.

As I started to read it, I was sleepy... but by the time I got to the word "flesh" I started to wake up. Then it just got funnier with every word until my friend and I were laughing so hard we were crying and I could no longer speak by the time they got to "great bees." Because WHO THE FUCK DREAMS THAT DREAM!!!!?????? I mean, I have a hard time thinking it's a big problem, y'know? I mean, I've tried to PICTURE that dream and I can't get much further than trying to picture a human flesh horse, let alone trying to figure out what it looks like for a flesh horse to descend on an airbound hammock and throw great bees of rubber.

God I love that dream.
posted by miss lynnster at 3:55 PM on May 14, 2008 [8 favorites]


Correction: not written by Herman Miller, written by Gustavus Hindman Miller. Whoops. Gotta give Gus his due.
posted by miss lynnster at 3:57 PM on May 14, 2008


Negative 19. Hating children is only minus five?
posted by munyeca at 4:00 PM on May 14, 2008


Herman Miller ... descending on a hammock through the air

So that's where he got the idea for that Aeron chair.
posted by Dave Faris at 4:18 PM on May 14, 2008 [1 favorite]


Come on, krautland ... it's from 1939. Nothing bad ever happened in 1939.

Dave Faris for the win!
posted by speug at 6:13 PM on May 14, 2008


Wait a minute, what the hell is wrong with Red fingernail polish?

The Women opened in 1939. "I've had two years to grow claws mother. Jungle red!"
posted by kirkaracha at 11:07 PM on May 14, 2008


rusty: "Hey! Mens #42 is exactly what it says on my business card."

"Eats onions, radishes or garlic before dates or going to bed" ?
posted by mindless progress at 7:06 AM on May 15, 2008


munyeca, if we got married it would create a hole in the universe which would single-handedly demolish Marriage As We Know It.

You wanna?
posted by cmyk at 8:46 AM on May 15, 2008


>Not laughing at our lame jokes? That's a demerit! Now get dressed and make us some breakfast.
>krautland, well it's good you showed up to let us all know how lame you aren't. WORDUP DUDE.
>Come on, krautland ... it's from 1939. Nothing bad ever happened in 1939.

I didn't say the subject matter wasn't funny, I said this kind of joke has been made so many times that it's gone stale. grow up.
posted by krautland at 11:51 AM on May 15, 2008


Thanks Ynoxas!
posted by zach4000 at 9:49 AM on May 16, 2008


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