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The Dude abides
May 29, 2008 11:50 PM   Subscribe

How to make the worst White Russian ever. That's what you get for asking for cocktail at some super square looking business hotel adjacent to an exhibition center. Ok, ok, here's how to make a nice one. Ooh it looks like Jupiter. Try one hot. Teeny tiny Kahlua drinks. Do NOT cook pork in it. Oh, okay, go ahead. Make you own kahlua. It won't be as pretty as this. While we're adding coffee to booze why not add booze to coffee.
posted by Artw (58 comments total) 18 users marked this as a favorite

 
Dunno about you, but I take comfort in those words.
posted by finite at 12:17 AM on May 30, 2008 [3 favorites]


Nothing wrong with some irish coffee. The bartender at the buena vista makes about eight of the things at a time. Yum!
posted by sirvesa at 12:30 AM on May 30, 2008


Once, back when I was much poorer and much stupider I wanted a drink, and yet the only thing I had was cheap semi warm vodka which I really didn't want to drink straight. No mixers, not nothing. But, being the no-so-bright boy that I was I figured, hey, I've got some milk, and vodka + milk is 2/3rds of a white russian, that's gotta be better than luke warm cheap vodka, right? I can't being to describe how wrong I was.
posted by aspo at 12:39 AM on May 30, 2008


Make you own kahlua. It won't be as pretty as this.

So, I assume the reason that mine won't look as good as that is because I can't take a Micrograph of it?

Bollocks, I say! Mine will be ever so beautiful, it will blind the proletariat masses with its brilliance!

But of course you're right, I can't compare to Mexican craftsmanship. =(

If you want a really good white Russian, try me! At least I think I'm really good... God damn that's the lamest joke ever =(


Needless to say, I approve of this post whole-heartedly, comrade!

Now, back to important business (drinking.)
posted by agress at 12:41 AM on May 30, 2008 [1 favorite]


Tequilla + coffee is suprisingly non-disgusting.
posted by Artw at 12:42 AM on May 30, 2008


Um: Coffee-Mate non-dairy coffee creamer mixed with Folger's and Barton vodka.

Simple enough.
posted by sourwookie at 1:16 AM on May 30, 2008


Can't be worse than the hotel barman in Malta which, when asked for a gin martini, gave me a glass of Martini Rosso with a shot of gin in it.
posted by Hogshead at 1:38 AM on May 30, 2008 [2 favorites]


Coffee-flavoured booze seems like a great idea until you stagger out of bed the next morning and reach for the cafetiere.
posted by RokkitNite at 2:08 AM on May 30, 2008


Using milk instead of cream is a sin against god and you should sent to the Gulag forthwith.

Just about all booze goes with coffee.

I used to know someone drink whiskey and milk. That's a whole heap of wrong.

And as an aside the Cohen's latest comedy looks genius.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:01 AM on May 30, 2008


ehh...white russians....black russians.....meh. I'm lactose intolerant, for one...and for two...those are kiddy drinks. How's about you find out what your liquor really tastes like?
posted by The Light Fantastic at 3:10 AM on May 30, 2008


Oh...and, yes, I AM drunk, thank you very much!
posted by The Light Fantastic at 3:11 AM on May 30, 2008


My favorite winter drink: Two shots of espresso, unsweetened cocoa powder, milk, and Frangelico to taste. I call it a Slippery Nutella.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:34 AM on May 30, 2008 [3 favorites]


Mmmmmmmm. White Russian.

And, if you do them right, The Light Fantastic, you can taste each ingredient perfectly well while appreciating the amazing melange swirling across your tongue.

And the trailer had me laughing.

Artw, curse you! Now I need to go liquor shopping this weekend.
posted by Samizdata at 4:02 AM on May 30, 2008


How to make the worst Black Russian ever:

1. Make half a glass of white russian

2. Top up with cola.

I wasn't that impressed, I have to say.
posted by kothar at 5:17 AM on May 30, 2008 [1 favorite]


Needs more miracle fruit.
posted by Kabanos at 5:38 AM on May 30, 2008


It's a mistake to order a cocktail in any country where the bars keep their ice in one of those little 1950's ornamental ice buckets and use tongs to carefully pluck up each precious cube.
posted by StickyCarpet at 5:44 AM on May 30, 2008 [2 favorites]


I'm all for the make your own kahlua, and I'm eager to try it myself, but, instant coffee? Really? I haven't bought instant coffee in about 7 years, would it bollocks it up if I used real coffee instead?
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 6:33 AM on May 30, 2008


and for two...those are kiddy drinks. How's about you find out what your liquor really tastes like?

This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man.
posted by anansi at 6:54 AM on May 30, 2008


This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man.

You see what happens when you find a stranger in the alps?
posted by Kinbote at 7:12 AM on May 30, 2008 [3 favorites]


Careful, man - there's a beverage here!
posted by porn in the woods at 7:17 AM on May 30, 2008 [1 favorite]


"would it bollocks it up if I used real coffee instead?"

I suspect it would, going by the recipe. If you used brewed coffee it would end up tasting too watered down in the final mix. And if you tried to "reduce" the brewed coffee like a pan sauce you'd end up with burned coffee. But you might be able to use brewed coffee instead of water to make the simple syrup.
posted by Ragma at 7:38 AM on May 30, 2008


Clearly I need to start drinking again.
posted by owhydididoit at 7:40 AM on May 30, 2008


Substitute toddy for instant coffee, that should work.
posted by hellphish at 7:48 AM on May 30, 2008


Worst White Russian that I ever had: on the roof of the Peabody Hotel in Memphis. I order one, start to take a sip, look closer at the lip of the glass, take it back to the bartender, and tell her that I was pretty sure that it wasn't a clean glass because of the lipstick prints on it. She rolls her eyes at me, takes a clean glass, and dumps the drink from the dirty glass into the clean one.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:58 AM on May 30, 2008


I wanted to add a bit of love to a glass of Johnny Walker Red I poured. I distractedly (uh-oh!) reached into the fridge and pulled out what I thought was peach mango juice. (Yes, I had already had a couple.) I poured it and it was...white...

"Hmm," thought I, "why don't I just add some kahlua and give 'er a go?"

Delicious! A twist on a twist with a twist! Made me twist right there in my little ol' apartment. Course, I was kinda drunk...
posted by nosila at 8:00 AM on May 30, 2008 [1 favorite]


I popped in to make the obligatory Lebowski reference, only to find the inner title.

I am now disappointed.
posted by rokusan at 8:25 AM on May 30, 2008


I feel I have to learn more about what to drink!
posted by pallaoro at 8:33 AM on May 30, 2008


I popped in to make the obligatory Lebowski reference, only to find the inner title.

I am now disappointed.


Well, that's just, like, your opinion, man.
posted by laumry at 8:33 AM on May 30, 2008 [1 favorite]


I remember going through a period as a student of just about main-lining Black Russians but made with Tia Maria and coke; happy days.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 9:08 AM on May 30, 2008


Everyone in my family is getting homemade coffee liqueur for Christmas this year. Thanks for the recipe!

(Also, White Russians are not kiddy drinks. They're girl drinks. Be careful you don't end up girl drink drunk.)
posted by lysistrata at 9:26 AM on May 30, 2008


My favorite bar offered a drink with some foolish name that was a White Russian with a finger of Jack Daniels and a splash of cola. I thought that sounded disgusting, and told the bartender so. He made me one on the house, and it was so good that I drank two more.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 9:28 AM on May 30, 2008


Now I need to go liquor shopping this weekend.

My work is done.
posted by Artw at 9:29 AM on May 30, 2008


ehh...white russians....black russians.....meh. I'm lactose intolerant, for one...and for two...those are kiddy drinks.

The Dude is secure enough in his adulthood and masculinity to order a White Russian.
posted by deanc at 9:30 AM on May 30, 2008 [2 favorites]


Instant

I've heard of camp coffee being used. I've never actually encountered camp coffee, but it sounds weird.
posted by Artw at 9:41 AM on May 30, 2008


Man, when the wife and I honeymooned in Hawaii one of the places we stayed had this Kona-based coffee liqueur... Oh man.

Speaking of which, make your own recipe with real coffee. Instant coffee, ewww.
posted by nanojath at 9:41 AM on May 30, 2008 [4 favorites]


I think it was this one, actually.
posted by nanojath at 9:44 AM on May 30, 2008


Y'know, I'm sick to fucking death of people saying X is a 'kiddy' drink (or worse, girly). Does it taste good? Yes? Then fucking drink it and stop judging. You don't see people calling, say, hot dogs 'kiddy' food--everyone loves hot dogs. Fuck.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:56 AM on May 30, 2008 [7 favorites]


Girl Drink Drunk
posted by Artw at 9:59 AM on May 30, 2008


Also, White Russians are not kiddy drinks. They're girl drinks.

Not only am I sufficiently secure in my masculinity to drink White Russians, I'll drink Snowballs too.

I've never actually encountered camp coffee, but it sounds weird.


I remember, years ago, my gran drinking that... seemed to remember it was nice and I didn't even really like coffee then. It was a bit weird though (and of course, racist)
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 10:05 AM on May 30, 2008


Y'know, I'm sick to fucking death of people saying X is a 'kiddy' drink (or worse, girly). Does it taste good? Yes? Then fucking drink it and stop judging. You don't see people calling, say, hot dogs 'kiddy' food--everyone loves hot dogs. Fuck.

Oh please. I mentioned it being a "girl drink" to set up the link to the Kids in the Hall sketch. Have a drink and relax. I personally love white russians. Then again, I am a girl.
posted by lysistrata at 10:05 AM on May 30, 2008


fearfulsymmetry - that last link seems to be off.
posted by Artw at 10:07 AM on May 30, 2008


lysistrata - oops.
posted by Artw at 10:08 AM on May 30, 2008


fearfulsymmetry - that last link seems to be off.

Hmm seems ok to me; Daily Mail, may be Brit only... here's the same story at another source
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 10:17 AM on May 30, 2008


Y'know, I'm sick to fucking death of people saying X is a 'kiddy' drink (or worse, girly).

I drink three fingers of Jack Daniels, straight. No ice, no water, no chaser.

From my mountain top, everything else seems like a girly kiddy drink.

Of course, after a few of these I stumble around a bit and then fall down. My mountain top needs a couch and a railing.
posted by quin at 10:21 AM on May 30, 2008 [1 favorite]


MILK? CREAM?

Wow. The proper liquid to use for a White/Black Russian, or "Kahula and Cream" is Half-And-Half.........
posted by peewinkle at 10:24 AM on May 30, 2008


The way to make the worst White Russian ever is to use non-dairy creamer. It might sound like a good idea at the time, but it isn't.
posted by OverlappingElvis at 10:27 AM on May 30, 2008


fearfulsymmetry - I like the Daily Mail style comments: "I think this is PC gone stark raving bonkers, If it had been a White Man serving an Indian, I doubt that the protests would have been quite as bad."

Of course, I kind of miss the old PG Tips box art.
posted by Artw at 10:33 AM on May 30, 2008


Y'know, I'm sick to fucking death of people saying X is a 'kiddy' drink (or worse, girly). Does it taste good? Yes? Then fucking drink it and stop judging. You don't see people calling, say, hot dogs 'kiddy' food--everyone loves hot dogs. Fuck.

I see I hit a nerve...
But I really don't like them very much, evil lactose notwithstanding. And, you have to admit, it's one of those "starter" drinks that kids drink when they don't like the taste of alcohol.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:24 PM on May 30, 2008


The way to make the worst White Russian ever is to use non-dairy creamer. It might sound like a good idea at the time, but it isn't.

Let me tell you a story about the time we noticed that the bin of store-brand powdered non-dairy creamer had instructions for how to transform it into something allegedly akin to whipped cream... We shudder at the thought of the evil foam we named "whipped creamer" to this day...
posted by nanojath at 1:53 PM on May 30, 2008 [1 favorite]


aspo writes "But, being the no-so-bright boy that I was I figured, hey, I've got some milk, and vodka + milk is 2/3rds of a white russian, that's gotta be better than luke warm cheap vodka, right? I can't being to describe how wrong I was."

That's what alcoholics on the down slope drink, in the morning. You may also substitute scotch for vodka.

If you have halfway decent vodka (and you aren't nursing DTs and a stomach ulcer), drink it on the rocks, maybe with a twist of lemon. If you have cheap vodka, nearly any sort of juice and/or citrus-type soda will do as a mixer.

I don't drink anymore, but when I did, I didn't mess around. I never got to the "scotch and milk stage," but I knew people who were there. Good vodka on the rocks is much better.
posted by krinklyfig at 2:13 PM on May 30, 2008


dirtynumbangelboy writes "Y'know, I'm sick to fucking death of people saying X is a 'kiddy' drink (or worse, girly). Does it taste good? Yes? Then fucking drink it and stop judging. You don't see people calling, say, hot dogs 'kiddy' food--everyone loves hot dogs. Fuck."

Depends on the bar. One bar where I worked, we didn't own a blender. If you ordered a blended drink, we'd usually laugh in your face (as did the regulars). If that hurt your feelings, well, it was probably never going to work out anyway.
posted by krinklyfig at 2:17 PM on May 30, 2008


My g/f likes Tia Maria instead of Kalhua in her black russian. I have to say, it's pretty damn good.

The Dude is secure enough in his adulthood and masculinity to order a White Russian.

Fuck'n A. Though I still prefer 'em black.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 5:01 PM on May 30, 2008


As a matter of fact... it IS about that time.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 5:03 PM on May 30, 2008


Where was this post 4 months ago? White Russians are a winter drink. Today it is finally, finally decently warm out and I'm having a grapefruit mojito. Dammit.
posted by misskaz at 5:44 PM on May 30, 2008


You don't see people calling, say, hot dogs 'kiddy' food--everyone loves hot dogs.

Vegans love hot dogs? Nah.
posted by fixedgear at 6:49 PM on May 30, 2008


However square that place looks, I'm fairly sure I went to an anime convention there back in the days of my youth.

Gotta be pretty cool to have one of those!
posted by emperor.seamus at 7:02 PM on May 30, 2008


> She rolls her eyes at me, takes a clean glass, and dumps the drink from the dirty glass into the clean one.

Well, the drink wasn't dirty,the glass was!

Once at a dive bar I used to frequent, a tourist had the gall to return his drink to the bartender claiming it was "too strong." The bartender picked it up, slugged back half and slid it back across the bar, and said "should be fine now."

...what the bartender knew that you didn't, is that heavy lipsticks are impervious to whatever automatic washing and sterilizing apparatus most bars employ. A hearty lipstick has to be hand scrubbed off, and that's not gonna happen in the middle of a shift. The bartender's way of communicating this, however, is a matter of taste...

As to the question of the "kiddy nature" of liqeurs, I refer to The Playboy Host and Bar Book -Thomas Mario, 1971.

There are still muleheaded men around who think that liquers, because they're sweet should only be served when the light of love is present. In 1601, John Rudolph Glauber in his Description of New Philosophical Furnaces pointed out that his "Cordial Extract," among other things, "refreshes the spirits and corroborates the brains and other parts of the body." Any man whose parts may be in need of a good corroboration should drink a moderate quantity of green Chartreuse to find out just how virile a liqueur can be.
posted by billyfleetwood at 8:27 PM on May 31, 2008 [1 favorite]


Grapefruit mojito? Nice idea.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 2:32 AM on June 1, 2008


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