I feel safer.

May 30, 2008 4:25 PM

Not only will SAFEE ensure 9/11 never happens again, but it will also catch unruly passengers.
posted by gman (28 comments total)

Yeah, if there's one thing that calms people's nerves, it's having their every move and facial expression recorded and scrutinized by computers.

Also, it will never work.
posted by delmoi at 4:38 PM on May 30, 2008 [1 favorite]

This is just what people who are afraid to fly need.

Nothing like being cuffed and hauled off a plane to answer for being twitchy.
posted by bwg at 4:40 PM on May 30, 2008

i say we strap every passenger into a hannibal lecter-like contraption and keep 'em there for the duration of the flight. to make up for high fuel costs, airlines can charge extra for urinals and pee zees.
posted by msconduct at 4:43 PM on May 30, 2008

Let's hand out Guy Fawkes masks at the ticket counter.
Or wait, would that send the wrong impression?
posted by ...possums at 4:46 PM on May 30, 2008

I had a discussion pretty recently about how the best way to stop terrorist attacks on planes is on the planes themselves. I was thinking along the lines of heavy duty doors to the cockpits and special training for flight attendants. I suppose watching every passenger at all times and arresting the ones who can't sit still might work too.
posted by martinX's bellbottoms at 4:46 PM on May 30, 2008

I'll be checking myself into the baggage compartment from now on.
posted by ...possums at 4:49 PM on May 30, 2008

Is it still OK for me to masturbate if I'm seated next to the right person? Assuming they're asleep, I wouldn't want to be rude.
posted by maxwelton at 4:57 PM on May 30, 2008

dude, you can't even masturbate in your own suite.
posted by gman at 5:01 PM on May 30, 2008

Other behaviours could include a person nervously touching their face, or sweating excessively.

Yeah. Remove that guy, please. At least make him sit next to the toilet.

Also, if running in the cabin and standing near the cockpit will get kids thrown into the brig, that's also good.
posted by pracowity at 5:05 PM on May 30, 2008

Facecrime.
posted by chimaera at 5:08 PM on May 30, 2008 [3 favorites]

We could just make short acting benzos mandatory on flights. Especially for kids. That would have made my last long flight much better and pretty much guaranteed no (relevant) terrorists. My anti-tiger rock would also pretty much guarantee no terrorists on your flight.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 5:11 PM on May 30, 2008 [1 favorite]

Their web design hearkens back to the days of safety and freedom before 9/11. With that sort of comfort, I'm sure they can return us to those days in actuality.

(What I'm saying is that 1999 called, and wants its ugly web pages back.)
posted by Caduceus at 5:38 PM on May 30, 2008

I'm confused about how that 2006 news story in the third link ties to the first two links.
posted by Joey Michaels at 5:39 PM on May 30, 2008

I'm confused about how that 2006 news story in the third link ties to the first two links.

As if suspicions weren't high enough already without the cameras.
posted by gman at 6:14 PM on May 30, 2008

NEVER FORGETFLY
posted by DU at 7:01 PM on May 30, 2008

wait, so there's nowhere you can masturbate on the plane? Oh, the terrorists really have won!
posted by subgear at 7:23 PM on May 30, 2008 [1 favorite]

I wonder when the tourism industry is going to pipe up and say that the more unpleasant it is to travel, the less people will want to be tourists.
posted by mhoye at 7:51 PM on May 30, 2008

mhoye wrote: I wonder when the tourism industry is going to pipe up and say that the more unpleasant it is to travel, the less people will want to be tourists.

From the headlines the last day or two: Air travel hassles cost the economy $26B
posted by tippiedog at 8:59 PM on May 30, 2008

Wonder how they would handle the nervousness of this guy.
posted by inconsequentialist at 10:03 PM on May 30, 2008

And don’t you love how it assumes terrorists wouldn’t ever be calm or completely resigned to their fate?
posted by DreamerFi at 1:46 AM on May 31, 2008

Just pressurized the cabin with sleeping gas for the duration of the flight. That will solve these problems and help cut costs.
posted by dawiz at 3:38 AM on May 31, 2008

Just pressurized the cabin with sleeping gas ...

You know, that would help, because I can never seem to sleep on a plane.
posted by bwg at 3:49 AM on May 31, 2008

I just sit and stare out the window. My vigilance is what prevents the planes from crashing.
posted by Goofyy at 4:53 AM on May 31, 2008

Is it still OK for me to masturbate if I'm seated next to the right person?

If you're seated next to the right person, they'll do it for you. It's only when you're seated next to the wrong person that you have to do it yourself.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 7:17 AM on May 31, 2008

I'm not afraid to fly per se, but I do have airport-related panic attacks. But since I'm a short white woman I'm sure this won't be a problem.
posted by desjardins at 8:10 AM on May 31, 2008

So can it detect maniacal laughter and going "wheeeeoooooo---boom!"?
posted by Citizen Premier at 6:05 PM on May 31, 2008

In other surveillance news: FISA Update: Smell A Rat? Another Sellout Attempt May Be In The Work
posted by homunculus at 10:11 AM on June 5, 2008

Damnit, when will the Bush surveillance machine learn that they can't trounce on American's right to... oh, oops.
posted by Pollomacho at 10:13 AM on June 5, 2008