Sentry Removal Techniques

August 21, 2008 8:52 AM

"Grandmaster" Ashida Kim has always been a controversial figure in the martial arts world, with his claims to Ninjitsu fame. Most who are familiar with him have read his book, Secrets of the Ninja, now freely available from his site. Modern times have made it pretty easy to establish him as a fraud, but even better, you can now view his Ninja Sentry Removal Techniques via youtube. Now you can learn to be a ninja, too!
posted by MysticMCJ (62 comments total)

Hey, baby, how you doin'? You want an autograph?
posted by stavrogin at 9:04 AM on August 21, 2008

I hear he totally flipped out.
posted by Artw at 9:09 AM on August 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm trying to balance the fact that I took this seriously in middle school with the tears of laughter now rolling down my face. It's a hard battle.

The use of LOL non stop on his page truly outs him. A true ninja always laughs, but NEVER OUT LOUD.
posted by MysticMCJ at 9:11 AM on August 21, 2008 [8 favorites]

ninjas where pretty wimpy, but had cool costumes.
posted by edgeways at 9:14 AM on August 21, 2008

Hilarious. I was all over those Ashida Kim books in middle school too. But honestly, I think the bullshido "expose" is just as funny.
posted by sevenyearlurk at 9:14 AM on August 21, 2008

"Bullshido"
posted by DU at 9:14 AM on August 21, 2008 [2 favorites]

So ninjas are like the exact opposite of clowns, then. Two sides of the same coin?
posted by echo target at 9:15 AM on August 21, 2008

Wow that autograph is amazing...those lines are so crisp and exact! He must really be a ninja!

Also, when sneaking through straw-colored grasses, a black outfit might not be the best choice.
posted by Deathalicious at 9:16 AM on August 21, 2008

Also, when sneaking through straw-colored grasses, a black outfit might not be the best choice.

Also also, when sneaking up behind your prey, stumbling over a bush is contraindicated.

And for those who search for ninjas: If there's a small splash in the nearby pond and you don't see anyone after 10 minutes of searching, it's OK to turn around. He might be behind you.
posted by DU at 9:17 AM on August 21, 2008

Some friend of mine's older brother had a how-to-be-a-ninja video like that, and we all watched it when we were about 12, and spent the rest of the summer doing somersaults in the woods behind our houses.

The video forgets to warn you not to do your ninja floor routine through a patch of poison ivy or into a blackberry bush.

It also forgets to warn you not to do it right when a group of girls walk by, who will then spend the entire next school year laughing at you and your friends for being total dorks.

But the time you shoot your friend in the ass with a blowdart made out of a 12-penny nail and a cone of paper and he has to go get his mom to pull it out with pliers? Totally makes the poison ivy and the teasing worth it for both of you, and he gets a great scar, too.
posted by Forktine at 9:19 AM on August 21, 2008 [3 favorites]

Loved the Sentry Removal Techniques. Henceforth I will travel by somersault to avoid leaving footprints.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:20 AM on August 21, 2008

I will give you the same warning that my brother gave me (I have to credit him with this discovery) in that you will talk like him if you watch the video enough.

The technique... of shooting your friend in the ass... is called.... Blowgunirutso.
posted by MysticMCJ at 9:22 AM on August 21, 2008

Here's his official ninja shit list before he edited it in accordance of The Way.
posted by stavrogin at 9:25 AM on August 21, 2008

This may be the first post that ever made me laugh just by existing. I too devoured this shit when I was in junior high. I really wanted to be a ninja when I grew up. But a lack of mentoring programs and internships in the Springfield, MO area led me to consider other paths. My parents did allow me to take tae kwon do lessons, but that is the anti-ninjitsu martial art when you are a kid.
posted by Bookhouse at 9:25 AM on August 21, 2008

MetaFilter: a vain attempt to fill the awful loneliness of their pitiful lives
posted by DU at 9:27 AM on August 21, 2008

Five two line poems about Ashida Kim:

1.
The erotic adventures of Ashida Kim
Are rarely erotic and frequenly grim.

2.
Is that a pebble? It's Ashida Kim!
Now prepare to lose a limb.

3.
Unexpected in a Florida gym:
A skinny ninja, Ashida Kim.

4.
Such strength! Such vigor! Such remarkable vim!
I do not speak of Ashida Kim.

5.
Ashida Kim. Ashida Kim.
He'll kill you if you dare mock him.
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:37 AM on August 21, 2008 [27 favorites]

here is how to be a proper ninja...
posted by DreamerFi at 9:45 AM on August 21, 2008

Shouldn't those be haikus?

Errant pebble plops,
Black shape tumbles through high grass,
Ashida Kim strikes.
posted by Orange Pamplemousse at 9:45 AM on August 21, 2008 [2 favorites]

Stealth of an elephant.
posted by mandal at 9:45 AM on August 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

There must be a certification clearing house where I can get both a black belt in ninjitsu and a PhD in Civil Engineering.
posted by ...possums at 9:46 AM on August 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

Ashida Kim. Sounds like something you'd marinate your blade steak with.
posted by netbros at 9:47 AM on August 21, 2008

That sentry removal video would seem to suggest that the whole Ninja technique is based on information passed down over generations of crap action genre B movies.
posted by mandal at 9:48 AM on August 21, 2008

For the record, I would gladly contribute money to a Metafilter fund to host a fight against him. The only question is if we have a bad enough dude among us to take him on.
posted by Ljubljana at 9:48 AM on August 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

Ashida Kim ~ I Had a Skim
posted by ...possums at 9:49 AM on August 21, 2008

Sure this is the place to link to: Ask A Ninja!
posted by blue_beetle at 9:56 AM on August 21, 2008

I never knew Ninjas had an affectation for sub-Vangelis synth noodling
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 10:01 AM on August 21, 2008

It seems that ninja have fallen on hard times lately.
posted by ODiV at 10:01 AM on August 21, 2008 [3 favorites]

Makes me want to dig out my late-70s/early 80s issues of Soldier of Fortune magazine and read through the ads in the back.
posted by mrbill at 10:11 AM on August 21, 2008

I wish more Ninja had official shit lists.

Absolutely hilarious post.
posted by Damn That Television at 10:28 AM on August 21, 2008

Ljubljana: tkchrist? I think he's our resident martial arts expert. I'd buy a ticket.
posted by echo target at 10:32 AM on August 21, 2008

Bring it on, ye landlubbin' ninjers!
posted by Mister_A at 10:34 AM on August 21, 2008

Yeah, better keep the snark levels low, or the shitlist might include 'envy, lust, greed, and lethargy,' and all members of metafilter.com.
posted by kaibutsu at 10:45 AM on August 21, 2008

Everyone should remember what happened when we ticked off the unicorns.
posted by Artw at 10:46 AM on August 21, 2008

Aw, man. "Learn ninja death touch" was on my list of things to do before I die.

Sign me up for the Ashida Kim match. I only kickboxed briefly, but I've played loosehead prop for going on 13 years now.
posted by electroboy at 10:50 AM on August 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

On a slightly similar note I keep meaning to one day re-read Eric Van Lustbader's The Ninja... but I have real fears it will not be as mind-blowingly amazing as it was to my teenage self.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 10:56 AM on August 21, 2008

I would gladly chip in to help sponsor a moderated debate between Ashida Kim and Warrior.

Both parties would debate issues like politics, world affairs and economics, with a no-holds-barred Ninja vs. Warrior battle between each topic. Points awarded for lucidity, keeping arguments within agreed time limits, and smashing things.

Should the Ninjitsu Master of the Invisible Fist meet the Founding Father of Ring Intensity, who would triumph?

And should such combatants meet on the twin planes of war and philosophy, of thew and mind... could there truly be anything but two victors?

Should such an epoch-shattering clash occur, would it not redefine what it is to be both Ninja and Warrior? What it is, yea, to be human?

And then, friends, would the final victor not be... us all?
posted by Shepherd at 11:03 AM on August 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

The invisible hand of Ninja Economy will fix everything!
posted by elpapacito at 11:06 AM on August 21, 2008

In related news: Neil Armstrong filmed moon landing in mom's backyard, was actually a city accountant.
posted by cortex at 11:32 AM on August 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

I thought he was a bicyclist.
posted by Mister_A at 12:01 PM on August 21, 2008

I be that if I was a teenage mutant turtle, I could totally learn these arts and be kick ass.
posted by oddman at 12:02 PM on August 21, 2008

Master Nina Theme Song! Master Ninja Theme Song! (SYTL full of MST3k Goodness)
posted by willmize at 12:11 PM on August 21, 2008

I would pay good money to see Ashida Kim fight Aleksey Vayner.
posted by Saxon Kane at 12:12 PM on August 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

ka-POW

Too much time on my hands
posted by FunkyHelix at 12:36 PM on August 21, 2008

He would be happy to sell you a black belt for $55.
posted by MythMaker at 1:26 PM on August 21, 2008

...possums: There must be a certification clearing house where I can get both a black belt in ninjitsu and a PhD in Civil Engineering.

Presumably you could contact Dr. McNinja to find out.
posted by whir at 1:50 PM on August 21, 2008

From bullshido: Cops nab "Ninja" vigilantes.

Two “modern day Ninjas” calling themselves Shinobi Warriors on a quest to rid the area of drug users and drug dealers have been put out of business by police.

Officer before dawn yesterday approached a car parked in the left lane of Route 46 east and found two Clifton men dressed in black claiming to be Ninjas.

The men were wearing tactical vests and armed with knives in sheaths at their waists along with Ninja throwing knives, Chinese throwing stars, four-pointed tacks, swords, bows and arrows and nunchucks, said Detective Capt. Robert Rowan.

Fantastic.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 2:10 PM on August 21, 2008

I first heard of Ashida Kim in Jason Scott's The Great Failure of Wikipedia talk (MeFi thread).

According to Scott, when Wikipedia's article on Kim started to include his real name and to criticize his practices:

Ashida Kim knew immediately what to do -- go for the family. The first thing he did was figure out Jimbo's social security number, where he lived, the name of his daughter, where his daughter went to school, who he married. He then proceeded to put them into Wikipedia, as fast as he could. He put them into the edit summaries, so when you edit something you say what you were doing, put in his social security number. There was no way to remove edit summaries. So even though they could undo the work (and they could add this feature which Jimbo had added for Ashida Kim's attack, to delete things wholly and totally from the Wikipedia database), he couldn't get rid of the edit summaries.

posted by Monday, stony Monday at 2:24 PM on August 21, 2008

When I was coming out of grade school, I was absolutely certain that by this point in my life I would be a professional mercenary ninja. Naturally I had planned on only taking jobs that made the world a better place, like the A-Team, but I secretly suspected that one day, a client would try to trick me into doing evil and I have to exact my revenge.

Because to my fourteen year old mind, that's what ninjas do; they exacted revenge.
posted by quin at 2:46 PM on August 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

[Now that I'm here, I have to admit, I probably should have gone the white collar route, like something in management. Or maybe I could have been a veterinarian. That would have been nice. Killing people using the ways of the ancient Orient is actually pretty tiring work and it doesn't pay as well as I expected.]
posted by quin at 2:46 PM on August 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

Monday, stony Monday - Hmm, sounds like one of the WP:BLP flaps. As anyone whos worked on an article where WP:BLP applies knows Wikipedia is very heavily slanted towards deleting anything and everything Living Person related. I very much doubt the edit summary thing would work, but it would inconvience admins and result in a rapid ban (of user or IP).
posted by Artw at 2:49 PM on August 21, 2008

The takedown threads on Bullshido.net are HIGHLY recommended for anyone who loves good internet detective work and high-grade snark.
posted by jtron at 3:13 PM on August 21, 2008

Artw: I wouldn't know -- I haven't edited Wikipedia in years, way before WP:BLP came into effect.
posted by Monday, stony Monday at 3:14 PM on August 21, 2008

HOLY FUCKING SHIT I HAD THIS BOOK WHEN I WAS LIKE 13!!!!111!

No, seriously. I got it at the local Barnes and Noble or Borders or whatever it was called where we went to buy Catcher in the Rye, Hamlet, and Lord of the Flies. And there was Secrets of the Ninja. How could I not buy that?

I practiced on our back deck, sneaking underneath it while Mom and Dad sipped gin and tonics and watched my sister splash in the pool. Once it got dark I'd scale the privacy fence, run around to the back of the property, and then scale it again, climb up this tree and spy on my family. Ninja style.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 3:33 PM on August 21, 2008 [2 favorites]

If we all chucked in a few dollars each, do you reckon we could get Fedor to kick his stupid scrawny head in?
posted by nudar at 4:34 PM on August 21, 2008

Artw: I wouldn't know -- I haven't edited Wikipedia in years, way before WP:BLP came into effect.

I think the main events discussed in that talk happened way before everyone deep into Wiki started talking in code.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:45 PM on August 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

Related.
posted by louche mustachio at 4:49 PM on August 21, 2008

From the Ask link...

[a few comments removed - this is really not the best place for your lolninjas links]

But THIS totally is!
posted by Artw at 4:56 PM on August 21, 2008

As badass as Lee Van Cleef? I could take him out with my invisibility skillz + tactical fighting spork.
posted by BrotherCaine at 9:41 PM on August 21, 2008

Just in case anyone was wondering, here is Masaki Hatsumi, the father of modern ninjutsu, doing his thing. There are some great techniques in there. Note the use of the purple nurple, a traditional martial technique represented in many old forms of martial arts. And you thought it was a schoolyard prank!

Apologies on behalf of the video creators, they really didn't know *wtf* they were doing.
posted by asok at 4:48 AM on August 22, 2008

Artw: "I hear he totally flipped out."

Well, thank you so very much for putting that back into my head.

Rest assured, I won't find out where you live.
I will not travel there, unseen like the wind that blows across the grass.
I won't sneak up behind you, ninja strangling rope at the ready.
I won't tighten my grip slowly, so as not to cause the rope to creak as I get ready to apply the short, sharp pull that cuts off the surprised inhale.
By the way, has anyone ever told you about that mole behind your left ear? You should have that looked... well, never mind.

Why is it the above linked version is so much better than the one they now officially use?
posted by PontifexPrimus at 4:49 AM on August 22, 2008 [1 favorite]

Oh, and Hatsumi was 67 at the time of that recording. Martial artists in their 60s must be doing something right! Tino Ceberano, Alan Ruddock, Morio Higaonna, Shinyu Gushi and Terry Wingrove are some that I have had the pleasure of training with, that's over 200 years of combined martial arts experience, as Terry likes to say!

Also, I did train some ninjutsu when I was a teen, which was fairly good quality martial arts as it happens. The instructor had some issues regarding his moral integrity, which eventually closed the school. Other than that it was pretty good stuff, stressing the importance of run-jutsu (running away) over 'secret death touches' and Jedi mind tricks. And that was before I read any Van Lustbader!
posted by asok at 5:24 AM on August 22, 2008

Parkouris the new ninjitsu.
posted by Artw at 9:17 AM on August 22, 2008 [1 favorite]