The winner in anti-medals?

August 23, 2008 2:31 PM

Joel Stein on a new scoring system to improve the Olympic Games.
posted by twoleftfeet (69 comments total)

I like the writing in that piece. It very American in attitude but with very non-American conclusions. But maybe very, very American conclusions when you really think about it ;-)
posted by i_cola at 2:44 PM on August 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

"Also because they were crazy gay."

Nice.
posted by fixedgear at 2:45 PM on August 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

"Also because they were crazy gay."

Openly gay Australian diver Matthew Mitcham wins the gold!
posted by ericb at 2:48 PM on August 23, 2008

From ericb's link: "Matthew Mitcham did two surprising things in Beijing. He scooped a gold medal from the apparently invincible Chinese diving team and told anyone who asked that he is gay."

What a strange opening sentence. Do athletes wander around the Olympic Village randomly asking people "are you gay" or something?
posted by afx237vi at 3:01 PM on August 23, 2008

Well apparently it's hook-up central, so that would be a good opening question.
posted by smackfu at 3:03 PM on August 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

Well apparently it's hook-up central...

Sex and the Olympic City.

Olympic Sport of 'Hooking up' Gains Popularity as Games in Final Week.

Olympics and Safe Sex ... What's the Harm in That?
posted by ericb at 3:14 PM on August 23, 2008 [2 favorites]

What a strange opening sentence. Do athletes wander around the Olympic Village randomly asking people "are you gay" or something?

I think the author of the article was merely pointing out that Mitcham has been open and "out" about his sexuality in interviews, etc., not that he flaunts his sexuality while meandering through the Olympic Village and Beijing.
posted by ericb at 3:17 PM on August 23, 2008

Never mind this nonsense. The weird thing for me when it comes to how countries are ranked is the Usanian insistance that all medals are worth the same.

If you look at the medal count at, say, the NYT, the USA is by far the best country. The USA has 107 medals, China has a pitiful 96.

Of course everywhere else countries are ranked according to the number of gold medals they have, and if they have an equal number of gold medals, the number of silver medals decide etc.

The USA has 34 gold medals
China has 49 gold medals

Is the USA the best Olympian country? Yes, according to all American media.
posted by Dumsnill at 3:17 PM on August 23, 2008 [3 favorites]

I should probably start reading post links before commenting on them.
posted by Dumsnill at 3:31 PM on August 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

Christ, how could you not hook up in Beijing what with all the living sculpture walking around?
posted by Nelson at 3:36 PM on August 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

Anti points also for any sport that is judged.
Give me a finish line, or goals, or death. Not some Ukrainian judge giving weird results out of thin air.
Besides, who needs rhythmic gymnastics, sync swimming, or other barely-sports anyway anyway?
posted by cccorlew at 4:00 PM on August 23, 2008

How many New Points for kicking a judge in the head?
posted by Sys Rq at 4:05 PM on August 23, 2008

Besides, who needs rhythmic gymnastics, sync swimming, or other barely-sports anyway anyway?

An international consortium of twirling-ribbon and nose-clip manufacturers, that's who.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:09 PM on August 23, 2008 [3 favorites]

How many New Points for kicking a judge in the head?

For those who haven't heard, some guy kicked another guy in the head at the Olympics, and it was great.
posted by synaesthetichaze at 4:12 PM on August 23, 2008 [4 favorites]

even better, make the olympic games deadly and call them THE TERRIBLE GAME!
posted by darkripper at 4:12 PM on August 23, 2008

The first step is to eliminate all but one medal event per sport.

They could at least make it one medal per person in the event. Before the Winter Olympics, too. 40 hockey players compete over a week for 2 medals (men & women). But impress the judges at ice dancing and you get half a dozen before lunch.
posted by Gary at 4:13 PM on August 23, 2008

(I exaggerate of course, but only slightly)
posted by Gary at 4:14 PM on August 23, 2008

Give me a finish line, or goals, or death. Not some Ukrainian judge giving weird results out of thin air.

I find the idea of people even hoping for fair judging at the Olympics deeply comical. You know how efficiently the UN gets things done? The Olympics is like that, except instead of trying to work together every country in the world is ACTIVELY COMPETING AGAINST EACH OTHER. The Olympics allegedly celebrates amateurism, yet it's probably the single biggest short-term commercial enterprise in the world. The amounts of corruption and bribery involved in the selection process would make Ted Stevens blush.

Add in an incredibly corrupt and hypocritical IOC and a congenitally dishonest and censorious host government, and it's pretty amazing the judging is not more farcical then it is.
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:23 PM on August 23, 2008

re: "crazy gay"

Time magazine attempting to be hip is not a pretty sight. It reminds me of when my grandfather tried to talk to me about my favorite movie but referred to it as "Star War."
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:27 PM on August 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

Wait... what!? When I read that sentence about gold, silver and bronze not being worth 1 'point' each, I thought that was a rather strange claim... all the lists I've ever seen sort countries by the number of gold medals they have.

It really IS only the Americans that are counting by total medals... convienently placing themselves at the top. I'll just say daily dose of getting worked up over American awkwardness has been satisfied.
posted by Harry at 4:28 PM on August 23, 2008

The weird thing for me when it comes to how countries are ranked is the Usanian insistance that all medals are worth the same.

I know! Isn't it just the stupidest thing ever when people in another country don't do things exactly like they do at home? I'm not from where you are! I've got my own customs! Look at my cuh-raaay-zee passport!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:38 PM on August 23, 2008

Besides, who needs rhythmic gymnastics, sync swimming, or other barely-sports anyway anyway?

Both require a pretty high level of coordination, focus, and endurance. Lord knows they're more interesting to watch than baseball or cycling.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 4:38 PM on August 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

The BBC did the same story better
posted by A189Nut at 4:49 PM on August 23, 2008

I know! Isn't it just the stupidest thing ever when people in another country don't do things exactly like they do at home? I'm not from where you are! I've got my own customs! Look at my cuh-raaay-zee passport!

Well, it might not be the stupidest thing ever. But it is pretty stupid. I do, however, respect your country and your peculiar ways.
posted by Dumsnill at 4:53 PM on August 23, 2008

How do we communicate to Joel Stein "GYOFB"? I would be surprised to see this appear in a college newspaper, let alone Time.
posted by adamrice at 4:57 PM on August 23, 2008

Look at my cuh-raaay-zee passport!

well, first of all congratulations for being part of that 20% of Americans who own one!

unfortunately the issue here is, the US couldn't win as many gold medals as China, we all knew that in advance. but, coming in second means LOSING, right, and LOSING is unAmerican so changing the way medals have always been counted is the solution. and hey, the USA goes back on top, U-S-A! U-S-A!

NBC's comically jingoistic commentary of the Games is another excellent example of the same phenomenon -- they know what the audience at home wants, and getting beaten by the Communist chinks is not one of them.
posted by matteo at 4:58 PM on August 23, 2008 [2 favorites]

Christ, how could you not hook up in Beijing what with all the living sculpture walking around?

Holy crap.

However, my boyfriend is hotter. *



* Ok, so he doesn't know it yet...
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 4:59 PM on August 23, 2008

Why do I get the feeling that the writer of this story is a suburban shlub whose most athletic endeavor is walking the trash to the curb once a week?
posted by Dreama at 5:00 PM on August 23, 2008

Oh, wait, it's Joel Stein? Then I know his most athletic endeavor is to walk the trash to the curb. Or more likely, the incinerator chute down the hall.
posted by Dreama at 5:02 PM on August 23, 2008

Do athletes wander around the Olympic Village randomly asking people "are you gay" or something?

No, but showing reaction shots of the spouse/significant other is a regular feature of coverage of straight athletes. Did NBC do that with Matthew Micham and his boyfriend, who was in the stands? If not, why not?

(Happy side note: The Advocate reported [see page 3] that Johnson & Johnson in Australia paid for bf's trip with a $5,000 travel grant from its Athlete Family Support Fund. Wonder if the U.S. branch would have done the same.)
posted by mediareport at 5:09 PM on August 23, 2008

I can understand both the US version and the rest of the world version of who "wins" overall. Although I think the the american version makes more sense than "whoever has most golds wins and the rest of the metals don't mean shit".

I'd prefer a points system though. For example, 3 points for gold, 2 for silver and 1 for bronze. By that count, China leads the US 213 to 212.
posted by puke & cry at 5:12 PM on August 23, 2008

who needs rhythmic gymnastics

Hey! Those damn ribbons are the single most beautiful, flowing, psychedelically wonderful thing about the Olympics. Hands down.

No contest.
posted by mediareport at 5:15 PM on August 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

No, but showing reaction shots of the spouse/significant other is a regular feature of coverage of straight athletes. Did NBC do that with Matthew Micham and his boyfriend, who was in the stands? If not, why not?

CBC did! The reaction shot of his (equally and unbelievably hot) boyfriend immediately after that amazing dive was priceless. So much love and pride.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:16 PM on August 23, 2008

(this is, PS, yet another reason why the CBC spanks US Olympic coverage. The CBC would beat NBC with one 8mm camera and a blind person operating it.)
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:17 PM on August 23, 2008 [2 favorites]

How do we communicate to Joel Stein "GYOFB"? I would be surprised to see this appear in a college newspaper, let alone Time.

Joel Stein's career is confounding to me. How he was able to get a column in Time and the LA Times is a mystery. His writing skills leave much to be desired, so maybe he used his oral skills to get the jobs. ::Ahem::
There are satyrical writers who are so much more talented. Stein is mediocre at best.
posted by HotPatatta at 5:19 PM on August 23, 2008

From synaesthetichaze's link:
"We didn't expect anything like what you have witnessed to occur," said WTF secretary general Yang Jin-suk.

OMG!
posted by dirigibleman at 5:20 PM on August 23, 2008

However, my boyfriend is hotter

I felt like a pedophile when I realized how long I stared at that photo.
posted by HotPatatta at 5:21 PM on August 23, 2008

Being gay and diving are completely separate parts of my life

I invoke Rule 34.
posted by phrontist at 5:22 PM on August 23, 2008

"whoever has most golds wins and the rest of the metals don't mean shit"

But that's nonsense. In all countries whose languages I'm capable of reading, gold trumphs everything else. So if two countries win 35 gold medals without winning any other medals, their total score is the same. But if one of those countries wins 1 silver medal and the other one wins no silver medals, the first one wins (even if the second one wins 59 bronze medals). And so on and so forth. Medals matter, but gold medals matter infinitely much more than silvers etc.
posted by Dumsnill at 5:29 PM on August 23, 2008

synaesthetichaze: Thanks, we saw a clip of the kicking-the-ref thing and wondered what the hell went on there.
posted by flibbertigibbet at 6:03 PM on August 23, 2008

The whole idea of 'winning' the Olympics is ridiculous. Its like playing a game of football where one team gets to field five people and the other three hundred-- it's more than a little distasteful for the winning team to brag about it.
posted by Pyry at 6:07 PM on August 23, 2008 [2 favorites]

Exactly. Be more like us! We even broadcast and cheer for events that don't even have Canadians in them!
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 6:19 PM on August 23, 2008

well, first of all congratulations for being part of that 20% of Americans who own one!

I don't, actually. Still don't need one to drive to Canada. Should, though, because they say I will next year, but they've been saying YOU WILL NEED A PASSPORT NEXT YEAR for about five years running now.

It's a gag from Futurama, the one where Bender gets into the Robot Fighting League. One of the robots he fights is THE FOREIGNER!!! Whose rile-the-crowd bit is more or less what I said. I would have linked to a youtube, but lo, I could not find one.

unfortunately the issue here is, the US couldn't win as many gold medals as China, we all knew that in advance. but, coming in second means LOSING, right, and LOSING is unAmerican so changing the way medals have always been counted is the solution.

As was pointed out last time this went around, American media have done it this way for a while now.

I mean, look. I won't dispute the idea that Americans can be a bunch of jingoistic jerks who smell bad to boot. This is just bad evidence in support of that, that's all.

And the whole thing is stupid anyway.

The whole idea of 'winning' the Olympics is ridiculous. Its like playing a game of football where one team gets to field five people and the other three hundred-- it's more than a little distasteful for the winning team to brag about it.

Even more distasteful is for people who have no actual involvement in any of the events bragging about the feats of someone who happens to live under the same national government they do.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:24 PM on August 23, 2008

For those who haven't heard, some guy kicked another guy in the head at the Olympics, and it was great.

From the article:

"We didn't expect anything like what you have witnessed to occur," said WTF secretary general Yang Jin-suk. "I am at a loss for words."

Of course they mean "World Taekwondo Federation" but I still found that sentence hilarious.
posted by delmoi at 7:16 PM on August 23, 2008 [6 favorites]

I would love to look at some of that Living Sculpture but alas, I'm sitting here in Beijing and that sort of thing doesn't seem to exist.
posted by michswiss at 7:40 PM on August 23, 2008

This guy has more or less the same idea (with just a tiny bit more misogyny), only he's actually calculating the results, and did so for Athens and Sydney too.
posted by plant at 7:45 PM on August 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

Another quote from the ref-kicking article:

"This is an insult to the Olympic vision, an insult to the spirit of taekwondo and, in my opinion, an insult to mankind," Yang said.

Yes, that's right - humanity as a whole has been insulted by the temper tantrum of an Olympic athlete. No hyperbole there!
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 8:06 PM on August 23, 2008

dirtynumbangelboy writes "The CBC would beat NBC with one 8mm camera and a blind person operating it."

That might in fact be the whole crew, cut backs you know.
posted by Mitheral at 8:30 PM on August 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

This is true.

I gotta say, though... I'd switch teams for Diana Swain (sp?). CBC has approximately -7003939393 men who are even remotely attractive to watch while they talk. She, on the other hand, is smart as hell, articulate, and--let's be frank--stunning. Especially when she wears glasses.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:02 PM on August 23, 2008

Good to see this thread hasn't devolved into crass fuckability banter.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:52 PM on August 23, 2008

unfortunately the issue here is, the US couldn't win as many gold medals as China, we all knew that in advance. but, coming in second means LOSING, right, and LOSING is unAmerican so changing the way medals have always been counted is the solution.

This same comment has been made and made and made again to the point that YES WE GET IT! USA=Big Dumb Jerks! Everybody who lives there is an ignorant bully! America bad! BAD!!

Now kindly consider the argument made and move on.
posted by longsleeves at 9:55 PM on August 23, 2008

Hah, I haven't seen one Olympic event this year and I laughed out loud at the article.

Comedy is subjective but I'm surprised that people think he's a bad writer - he has the structure of really good comedy down and a really pointed turn of phrase, fast, well-edited.

"NBC highlights only the top few competitors in most sports, but the winners would look a lot more impressive if we also got to see the worst. So I'd give the last three places anti-medals, all made of a decreasing quality of chocolate, starting with Russell Stover and working down from there. Then we would use the European soccer system, in which we'd kick out the country with the most anti-points. Not just out of the Olympics, but out of the international community. The country would lose its seat at the U.N., the little stamp it puts on passports, all its welcome to signs and whatever war it's currently waging. Also, the country that comes in first should get something real: maybe some extra carbon output, four years without tariffs or the right to put its flag on all the world's airplanes."

High content, high impact, strangely logical - hard to beat!
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 10:09 PM on August 23, 2008

plant writes "This guy has more or less the same idea (with just a tiny bit more misogyny), only he's actually calculating the results, and did so for Athens and Sydney too."

Describing the events in yards and then riffing on the arbitrariness of the distance in cycling is great icing on the cake.
posted by Mitheral at 10:26 PM on August 23, 2008

It doesn't matter how you count the medal totals. The EU won by a mile with 84 golds and 275 total ;)
posted by ArkhanJG at 12:35 AM on August 24, 2008 [3 favorites]

There were a few other themes that didn't play out here:

You want multiple medals? Do multiple sports. Phelps gets two medals only if he's the best swimmer in the world and the best Taekwondoist.

and

In my system, overall points would be weighted by how popular the sport is, as determined by television ratings.

and

I'd give the last three places anti-medals.

The Olympics are not only a global sports competition... they're a way to ridicule the idea of a global sports competition!
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:07 AM on August 24, 2008

If you look at the medal count at, say, the NYT, the USA is by far the best country.

Try adding up the European Union countries for a laugh.
posted by DreamerFi at 7:25 AM on August 24, 2008

Disappointing- I thought it said "scoffing" system.
posted by gjc at 9:05 AM on August 24, 2008

If you look at the medal count at, say, the NYT, the USA is by far the best country.

Sorry, but the title of Best Country is not awarded based on athletic prowess.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:18 AM on August 24, 2008

>The weird thing for me when it comes to how countries are ranked is the Usanian insistance that all medals are worth the same.


Usanian is not a word. Nor is usian. The world you are looking for is American. You used it correctly at the end of your post.

Personally, I see no big problem in counting all medals. Afterall, if they are given out then they must be significant. Then again I dont have a big anti-american axe to grind.
posted by damn dirty ape at 12:29 PM on August 24, 2008

Pyry: "The whole idea of 'winning' the Olympics is ridiculous. Its like playing a game of football where one team gets to field five people and the other three hundred-- it's more than a little distasteful for the winning team to brag about it."

Agreed... If you want to gauge who "wins", the only fair metric is "Competitors per (Gold) Medal"...

damn dirty ape: "Personally, I see no big problem in counting all medals. Afterall, if they are given out then they must be significant. Then again I dont have a big anti-american axe to grind."

Yes, but they're not equally significant, which the American system implies... Again, a better solution has been proffered (and ignored) upthread - 3 for Gold (or more even - winning Gold is much more significant than any other medal), 2 for Silver, 1 for Bronze..
posted by benzo8 at 12:37 PM on August 24, 2008

Thats fine but im sick of seeing the same loudmouth annoying posters with their anti-"USian" axes to grind completely dismissing silver and bronze just to "stick it to the man." ANd on top of it accusing everyone else of being crazy for even suggesting they have any value in rankings.
posted by damn dirty ape at 12:47 PM on August 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

Sorry if this has been mentioned already, but I think a fair gauge of what country won the Olympics would be: population of that country divided by how many gold, silver and bronze medals were won, respectively. A country of 300 million is going to have a larger pool of athletes to choose from then, say, a country of 2 million, after all. The deck is already stacked against them. A gold/silver/bronze medal-to-citizen ratio would level the playing field and would more accurately reflect that country's athletic prowess.

Whichever 4 countries then make it into the top ranks can send their best athlete into a closed cage, no-holds-barred, hand-to-hand battle to the death. Go humanity!
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 1:18 PM on August 24, 2008

Marisa Stole the Precious Thing: "A country of 300 million is going to have a larger pool of athletes to choose from then, say, a country of 2 million, after all. The deck is already stacked against them. A gold/silver/bronze medal-to-citizen ratio would level the playing field and would more accurately reflect that country's athletic prowess."

It wouldn't be a particularly level playing field until the wealth of the country (relating to the facilities and training opportunities available) are taken into account... Ostensibly, a low population, wealthy country like on of the Emirates (for example) should be able to produce a higher proportion of successful athletes than a similarly sized, but poorer nation, merely by throwing more money at modern training techniques, utilising state-of-the-art equipment and experts...
posted by benzo8 at 1:23 PM on August 24, 2008

.... I think a fair gauge of what country won the Olympics would be: population of that country divided by how many gold, silver and bronze medals were won, respectively.

What would it look like if medals were measured in terms of population?^*
posted by ericb at 1:26 PM on August 24, 2008

It wouldn't be a particularly level playing field until the wealth of the country (relating to the facilities and training opportunities available) are taken into account

Ah, well said.

And thanks for that link, ericb.

So ... can we still have my death match though?
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 1:32 PM on August 24, 2008

Yup - I didn't mention the Death Match as it was a given. Cage fights ftw!
posted by benzo8 at 1:33 PM on August 24, 2008

It wouldn't be a particularly level playing field until the wealth of the country (relating to the facilities and training opportunities available) are taken into account.

I suspect, without actually doing anything so pedestrian and common as looking at the numbers, that by this standard, Jamaica wins handily. And I think I'm okay with that.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:49 PM on August 24, 2008

Give me a finish line, or goals, or death.

The only sports that should be allowed are sports that can be quantifyabily measured. Games with points? Sure. Sports measured against clocks? You betcha. Weights? Great! Distances? Now you're talking!

But any and every sport that has any subjective measurement to it should be outright banned from the competitions. This includes just about every gymnastics event, diving, "synchronized" events and the like.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 7:46 PM on August 25, 2008

How do we communicate to Joel Stein "GYOFB"? I would be surprised to see this appear in a college newspaper, let alone Time.

Joel Stein was in my class in college and he was a college newspaper columnist his freshman year. He was quite popular, and (while overrated), quite good at what he did. He still is.

I've never been his biggest fan either (and I love rhythmic gymnastics), but don't be all sour grapey just because he gets paid for his jokes and you don't. :p

I also liked his $8 gas column. Perhaps I'm getting softer in my old age.
posted by mrgrimm at 6:03 PM on August 26, 2008