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You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler.
October 10, 2008 6:43 AM   Subscribe

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules.
posted by blue_beetle (53 comments total) 16 users marked this as a favorite

 
A classic from 1998.
posted by blue_beetle at 6:44 AM on October 10, 2008


You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't."

Awesome!
posted by jason's_planet at 6:49 AM on October 10, 2008


Is this the new MeFi FAQ?
posted by Pollomacho at 6:58 AM on October 10, 2008 [8 favorites]


The site you requested is blocked under the following categories: Gruesome Content

OK then!
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 7:00 AM on October 10, 2008 [2 favorites]


For anyone that is wondering, there is no gruesome content, or really any images at all. In fact, it's a website that looks like it's still stuck in the mid-nineties.
posted by blue_beetle at 7:05 AM on October 10, 2008 [1 favorite]


There are a couple of sure-fire argument stoppers that MeFites could contribute:

- You're racist!
- You're just repeating a bunch of shit you read somewhere!
- The ever-popular semantics dodge -- "What does race even mean? Define 'white'!"
- Start joking as soon as your argument is looking weak
posted by mattholomew at 7:13 AM on October 10, 2008


For anyone that is wondering, there is no gruesome content, or really any images at all. In fact, it's a website that looks like it's still stuck in the mid-nineties.

....I thought you said there was nothing gruesome about it.

(Thank you! I'll be here all day. Try the veal!)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:16 AM on October 10, 2008 [1 favorite]


When someone compares you to Hitler, cock an insouciant eyebrow (or a regular one if your eyebrows aren't insouciant) and say, "Ah, you must mean Good Hitler, yes?" Then throw your drink in their face and punch 'em you-know-where.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:17 AM on October 10, 2008


Originally Dave Barry's column, by the way.
posted by VeritableSaintOfBrevity at 7:17 AM on October 10, 2008 [2 favorites]


I forgot my favorite MeFi argument-stopper: "That's just silly."
posted by mattholomew at 7:18 AM on October 10, 2008


nice way to start off my friday! there are a lot more funny bits on this site.

"There are lots of other problems. What do you feed a baby dinosaur? What about diseases? Many dinosaurs were social animals. How do you socialize a dinosaur?"

posted by slograffiti at 7:19 AM on October 10, 2008


Let me put it this way so to speak, the reason no one invites this guy to parties is because 1 out of 3 times his expo facto logic is too concave and 2 dimensional for the common vis a vis conversations of most non Q E D party- goers. A recent study by Dr. Alphoso McGrady shows that 9-10 party goers are just looking to relax and have a good time. They do not need a completely wasted douche bag interrupting conversations and speaking out of the parameters and guidelines of the social get-together.

Nice post I got a laugh out of it.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 7:21 AM on October 10, 2008


Repeatedly refer to a roomful of strangers as your friends, and they'll be eating out of your hand. And don't shake hands twice - that's what spouses are for.
posted by Smart Dalek at 7:25 AM on October 10, 2008 [4 favorites]


I love stuff like his, and hope one day to be able to use qua adroitly. Until then, I will always feel incomplete.
posted by oxford blue at 7:30 AM on October 10, 2008


Suggested phrase from the link: "You're begging the question."

OH NO HE DIDINT!!!
posted by bardic at 7:31 AM on October 10, 2008


This is somewhat related: How to be Persuasive from the inimitable rinkworks.
posted by oxford blue at 7:31 AM on October 10, 2008


Why does every self-appointed entertainer exhort me to try the veal? What if I don't want any goddamned veal?!
posted by adamdschneider at 7:31 AM on October 10, 2008


How will you know you don't want it if you don't try it?

Q.E.D.
posted by bink at 7:39 AM on October 10, 2008


Moved and corrected August 6, 2007
posted by yhbc at 7:53 AM on October 10, 2008


Another good tactic is embracing impossible hypotheticals. "No one would realistically think that!" "I knew someone who thought that."
posted by smackfu at 7:53 AM on October 10, 2008 [1 favorite]


This thread reminds me of my two favorite Onion point/counterpoints
posted by CheshireCat at 7:55 AM on October 10, 2008 [4 favorites]


I personally recommend saying 'hmm, mutatis mutandis', in a smug voice after your opponent has made a point.
posted by tawny at 8:06 AM on October 10, 2008 [1 favorite]


I used to know a guy who was very good at arguing (notice I didn't say debating). He "won" virtually every argument he had by a) raising his voice and getting visibly angry if anyone challenged him, and b) always projecting truly Herculean levels of confidence even when his arguments were factually incorrect. Most people folded after a) or b) because they didn't want to put up with any more of his shit, but if they didn't do the trick he moved on to; c) insulting the person he was arguing with. In short, the key to "winning" many arguments is to be a bully.

However, one night he picked a verbal scrap with another guy whose argumentative style was exactly the same. If we could have somehow harnessed the hot air and white-hot rage that resulted on both sides, we could have powered a small town for a few months.
posted by you just lost the game at 8:11 AM on October 10, 2008 [2 favorites]


I'm only here for contradiction.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 8:24 AM on October 10, 2008 [1 favorite]


Shut your festering gob, you tit!
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 8:41 AM on October 10, 2008 [3 favorites]


I must have the wrong thread.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 8:50 AM on October 10, 2008 [2 favorites]


Back in the 1990s when argument was all the rage in my crowd, the Hitler defense became known as "Ultimately Hitler". If his name was referenced to support an argument against you, you were encouraged to shout ULTIMATELY HITLER! And thus you were instantly declared the winner of the argument, kind of like the other guy sinking the 8-ball in a game of pool. This actually caught on for a while but then came 911 and the rise of Dick Cheney, and now kids don't even know who Adolph Hitler was anymore
posted by philip-random at 9:03 AM on October 10, 2008 [2 favorites]


Thats preposterous. They way you win a debate is by saying "My Friends" about a million times, standing uncomfortably close to the person who asked you a question, and meandering around when your opponent is talking.

Also it helps to have a friend, a "mate" if you will, that is so comically unknowledgeable about the issues, that it makes you seem brilliant by comparison.
posted by jlowen at 9:10 AM on October 10, 2008 [1 favorite]


CheshireCat: Here's mine.
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:12 AM on October 10, 2008 [1 favorite]


Ultimate Hitler - my favorite fascist frisbee game.
posted by ericbop at 9:15 AM on October 10, 2008


I win arguments by always including my middle class upbringing and lifestyle when discussing any issue.
posted by strangeleftydoublethink at 9:43 AM on October 10, 2008 [1 favorite]


Why do you hate America?
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 9:44 AM on October 10, 2008


Accuse your opponent of being a white male, if you are on the left.

Accuse your opponent of being a "socialist," if you are on the right.
posted by jason's_planet at 9:55 AM on October 10, 2008


Accuse your opponent of being a white male, if you are on the left.

Um, is that something you can really accuse someone of being? Besides, aren't a majority of left leaning politicians still white males? Is there something Joe Biden isn't telling us? Is there something Sarah Palin isn't telling us? Did (s)he and Todd fly down to California for a gay wedding?
posted by Pollomacho at 9:58 AM on October 10, 2008


I'm glad you asked that Pollomacho, but what I'd really like to talk about is...
posted by blue_beetle at 10:02 AM on October 10, 2008


- You're racist!
- You're just repeating a bunch of shit you read somewhere!
- The ever-popular semantics dodge -- "What does race even mean? Define 'white'!"


Well, to be fair, many of the closet racists who like to obsess about the link between certain racial origins and low intelligence do tend to love to cite vdare as their 'evidence'. And that stuff on vdare really *is* a bunch of shit.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 10:20 AM on October 10, 2008


- Start joking as soon as your argument is looking weak

Now I understand why my first post is always a joke: I never had a chance.
posted by rokusan at 10:31 AM on October 10, 2008


Also make pompous references to Fallacies. Don't say "You're reasoning in a circle" but "You're committing the Fallacy of Cirular Reasoning".

This was very popular here at MeFi a few years ago, but I haven't seen much of it lately. Maybe someone was called out on it in a thread that I missed?
posted by springload at 10:39 AM on October 10, 2008


I was disappointed by the absense of "natch".

And while I know this is a pre-Wiki era page, they really ought to include instructions to visit Wiki's logical fallacies page and learn to negate any argument by chuckling with restrained patience and saying, "Ah, but you're making the common but forgivable mistake of using [insert fallacy here]." You don't even need to be accurate. Even if the person you're arguing with doesn't assume you're right and instead says, "Hang on, that's not Loki's Wager, because ...", you will have successfully derailed the discussion into defining the fallacy itself.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:15 AM on October 10, 2008 [1 favorite]


(Just to expand on springload's point there.)
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:17 AM on October 10, 2008


This thread reminds me of my two favorite Onion point/counterpoints

my favorite. although it's really more of a "point/supporting point."
posted by shmegegge at 11:19 AM on October 10, 2008


This page was last updated April 6, 1998.

We've come so very far since then.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 11:26 AM on October 10, 2008


Re: veal, the performer is paid based on the revenue of the venue, increased by high dollar items.
posted by craven_morhead at 11:27 AM on October 10, 2008


Accuse your opponent of being a white male, if you are on the left.

I think this is covered by the race card. See Barney Frank's desperate attempt to cover his incompetent ass in the Fannie Mae Meltdown for reference.
posted by mattholomew at 12:38 PM on October 10, 2008


Why does every self-appointed entertainer exhort me to try the veal? What if I don't want any goddamned veal?!

But if you tried it you'd really like it! The chef made it from his grandma's secret recipe. Can I put you down for a veal plate, then?
posted by mattholomew at 12:42 PM on October 10, 2008


And...

a classic from 1972.
posted by Auden at 12:53 PM on October 10, 2008


And I just need to say that I dearly wish there were some objective, scientific evidence to support my racist tendencies. Holding them in and pretending to be a tolerant, liberal person is really wearing on me.
posted by Mental Wimp at 12:53 PM on October 10, 2008


Mental Wimp: Buy and wear an Obama shirt. Say whatever you think about other races, and people will think you're just kidding. But you're not. You might want an Obama hat, too.
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 2:10 PM on October 10, 2008


“I argue very well.”

No, you don’t.

“But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy.”

No, you won’t

“Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases”

That would be pointless.

“You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations”

No you shouldn’t.

“Only a fool would challenge that statement.”

That is completely untrue on all accounts.

“You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler”

You in fact, ARE Adolf Hitler.
posted by Smedleyman at 2:31 PM on October 10, 2008


You know who else reminded me of Adolf Hitler?
posted by qvantamon at 2:38 PM on October 10, 2008


I am a reformed geek, so it might be telling that I read,

Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru,

as

Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Pern,

I thought, "Well, at least that isn't one I have heard before."

Anyway, that aside, I look forward to the day when internet debaters learn a third riposte beyond "ad hominem" and "straw man."
posted by ricochet biscuit at 3:29 PM on October 10, 2008


A classic from 1998.

Actually, and I'm not kidding, I first saw this as a fax in 1989. Before people's Godwin defenses were up, I found it truly amazing how almost everyone instinctively backpedaled once you compared them to Hitler.
posted by StickyCarpet at 3:42 PM on October 10, 2008


You can always use "Modern Jackass" as your trusted source.
posted by webhund at 8:42 AM on October 11, 2008


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