It's about time someone took down that damned apple-throwing tree.

October 14, 2008 7:40 PM

How to Beat Up Anything.

A guide to fighting everything: bullies, politicians, robots, even time-traveling future-versions of yourself, back to harass you about your life choices.

posted by miss lynnster (28 comments total)

Batman always wins. Therefore beating him up can only be a temporary victory which will inevitably be overturned when he returns to kick your ass.
posted by Artw at 7:45 PM on October 14, 2008

I thought the link was going to point here.
posted by demiurge at 7:45 PM on October 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

I don't see anything about an angry mob of small children.



I am disappointed.
posted by paisley henosis at 7:52 PM on October 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

Mr. T?! No way. Not even in the insane way described. No.
posted by Tehanu at 7:54 PM on October 14, 2008

Some of my best friends are apple-throwing trees.
posted by strangeleftydoublethink at 7:55 PM on October 14, 2008

Without even reading it, I bet I can determine how to beat up Achilles.
posted by Drainage! at 8:00 PM on October 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

I don't see anything about an angry mob of small children.



I am disappointed.

Give him time, man. He'll get there eventually.
posted by Caduceus at 8:07 PM on October 14, 2008

Easiest way to beat up Mr. T: give him some drugged milk.
posted by Saxon Kane at 8:14 PM on October 14, 2008

Batman always wins. Therefore beating him up can only be a temporary victory which will inevitably be overturned when he returns to kick your ass.

Well, if you'd read the article, it turns out that the way to beat Batman is to be Superman, so, there you go.
posted by Caduceus at 8:16 PM on October 14, 2008

Things White People Beat Up
posted by Damn That Television at 8:23 PM on October 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm sorry, but I don't care what race you are. That tree can kick your ass.
posted by miss lynnster at 8:28 PM on October 14, 2008

Ah, how I long for the good ol' pre-2.0 days of World Wide Web Fights!
posted by vorfeed at 8:45 PM on October 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

Awesome.
posted by voltairemodern at 8:57 PM on October 14, 2008

Caduceus: As the Justice League has shown us, Batman carries kryptonite with him in case of just such a situation. Mothafucka is prepared.

I would add that I just considered the fact that I have never seen Tom Hanks in a fight scene in any of his movies, even for comedic purposes, and even (IIRC) in Saving Private Ryan. I would be happy to be wrong about this, but does anyone know of one that I might not be thinking of? Bonus points for a link to the video.

Sadly, I can no longer find the old spark.com text of "How to lose a fight so the other guy goes to jail," online, so I'll just mention a few of the most salient points:

Rule 1: ALWAYS BE GETTING PUNCHED OR KICKED.

Q: Your techniques worked to well, and now I'm in jail.
A: Hmmm.... I find it hard to believe that anyone who was always getting punched or kicked would find time to do anything illegal.

Also, their suggestions for things to say which might not actually be "fighting words" but which would give the person kicking your ass a few roundabout suggestions of what to do to you:

"People tell me I've got the world's toughest nuts."
"After I kick your ass I'm gonna jump and jump and jump and jump on your face."
"You'll never make me eat that."

(How do I remember so much of this nine years later?)
posted by Navelgazer at 9:09 PM on October 14, 2008

This is actually pretty darn funny, as internet humor goes! I might even forward this to my parents. Thanks for the post :)
posted by Salvor Hardin at 9:18 PM on October 14, 2008

Navelgazer: That TheSpark reference sounded intriguing enough for me to track it down on the Wayback Machine. Pretty hilarious, thanks for the pointer.
posted by sappidus at 9:26 PM on October 14, 2008

I love that this came from miss lynster, and it makes me wonder what else is in her bookmarks.

My already rich fantasy life has expanded today.
posted by rokusan at 9:39 PM on October 14, 2008

I see nothing about how to beat up bears. Until such an entry is made, this site is useless.
posted by casarkos at 9:51 PM on October 14, 2008

the way to beat Batman is to be Superman

That's pretty much proven not to work.
posted by Artw at 10:07 PM on October 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: I might even forward this to my parents.
posted by blue_beetle at 10:17 PM on October 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

Nothing about how to consistently "win" fights against grizzly bears.
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:19 PM on October 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

damn casarkos
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:20 PM on October 14, 2008

vorfeed: Ah, how I long for the good ol' pre-2.0 days of World Wide Web Fights!

You an' me both, brutha. I still have my copy of the Grudge Match book they put out around here somewhere. What would I do without knowing who'd win in a fight, a rottweiler or a rottweiler's weight in chihuahuas?
posted by JHarris at 2:18 AM on October 15, 2008

"You can fight without ever winning,
But never win without a fight."
- Geddy Lee, Rush Singer/Mystical Muse
posted by aftermarketradio at 6:08 AM on October 15, 2008

I love that this came from miss lynster, and it makes me wonder what else is in her bookmarks.

My already rich fantasy life has expanded today.

You have a rich fanstasy life involving miss lynnster, too? I thought I was the only one.
posted by spinturtle at 8:29 AM on October 15, 2008

Hah! WWWF! I still use the doberman-versus-a-doberman's-weight-in-chihuahuas analogy all the time, especially when discussing the consolidation & virtualization of small application servers.

It was a doberman and not a rottweiler, right? Uh-oh...Nope, I Am Wrong:
http://www.grudge-match.com/History/rott-chi.shtml
posted by wenestvedt at 8:52 AM on October 15, 2008

I often feel like I'm locked in a small cage, thumped on the forehead with a wooden spoon at 5 minute intervals.
posted by danny the boy at 10:06 AM on October 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

"You can fight without ever winning,
But never win without a fight."
- Geddy Lee, Rush Singer/Mystical Muse

That is right up there in jarring contrast land with Mike Tyson talking.
posted by srboisvert at 8:11 AM on October 16, 2008