Behind bars

December 6, 2008 6:14 PM

Prison is boring. There is no other way to describe it. Sometimes it's scary, but mostly just annoying and boring.
posted by Huplescat (40 comments total)

Talk about depressingly helpless.
posted by notreally at 6:28 PM on December 6, 2008

Scroll down for:

* [-]

(in America)

I did 6 months for stealing my own car. I also did another 6 months for driving said car without a license and getting caught 5 times.

(In Egypt) I also did 60 days in An Egyptian torture camp. A swat team 150 guns heavy took me from my house in Alexandria at like 3AM.

I was arrested and tortured as a suspected Al Qaida.(stupid fucks)

It was loads of fun. They tortured people like it was going out of style. There were at any given time 2 to 3,000 people in this prison getting tortured.

The torture (Usually just with tazers on the nuts and asshole but some people were raped with sticks and others got their faces slashed with a razor.) They also had a lot of fun with the air conditioner and sleep deprivation. it was super super cold for 8 hours until you couldn't feel your feet then it was so hot you were sweating to death only then to get super cold again.

It started at about 8 am when the first shift showed up, just another 9-5 day at the office for these sick fucks.

You could hear the guards arming themselves and testing their tazers and you knew that the screaming would start soon.

The screaming ended at about 1PM for lunch then started again until about 6PM when it ended for the night.

I spent the entire month blindfolded. I have to say that the sleep deprivation was horrible. worse than the endless screaming worse than anything else. It was insane not knowing day from night night from day. About 3 days in I started to go loopy I was hallucinating I was dodging cars that were not there also I kept trying to dodge a horse drawn chariot ( strange I know ) What was weird also is that after some time you didn't even hear the people screaming anymore and didn't really care. That was bad. Thinking "I wish he would just pass out already so I can get some sleep."

After I was interrogated for 5 days I was finally let go and handed over to the FBI. Which at the time I was much more afraid of them than the Egyptians even tho I had been tortured for 2 months I asked to stay rather than go with the FBI, I thought for sure I was going to GETMO. But come to find out the feds didnt really care about me much they just wanted to know some things about some people I knew. It did take 9 months of debriefing. But on the Up side I did manage to set the world speed record for getting threw JFK international airport in exactly 7 minutes flat!

woot woot

All in all a fun filled time.

BTW The Egyptian jails are STILL better than the ones in America. After I was moved from the torture came and before I was deported I went to the regular Egyptian jail it was just one giant cell with 30 guys and a broken toilet. No beds you slept on the floor. They didn't feed you eather you had to buy your own food and your family could come and bring you things. Also if you bribed the guards you could get a cell phone. Smoking was ok, and anything you wanted threw out the day you just give the guard a couple Egyptian pounds and they would run to the store for you. Much better than the American system even if it was dirty, hot and cramped.
posted by Huplescat at 6:40 PM on December 6, 2008 [5 favorites]

My plan for when my many murders, bank robberies and kidnappings come to light:

1) Good behavior until
2) I can borrow books and use paper/pencil long enough to
3) Learn enough mathematics to
4) Become the World's Greatest Mathematician

What, you thought that was going to end with me out of jail? With free meals and no commuting??
posted by DU at 6:41 PM on December 6, 2008

I could rant about this for hours; for days and weeks and months, even. There are things about this that remind me of people I've known -- for better or worse -- people I've cared for, and my own misspent youth. But I won't rant and I won't rave, if for no other reason than the fact that either of those options would do me no good in prison, and might even lead me there. I'll simply offer up this, and say that when you jail that many people you turn prison from a necessary process of rehabilitation, to an experiment in the cruelty to ordinary people.
posted by Panjandrum at 6:41 PM on December 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

Hmm, I could read this post here, or... I know, I could go over to redit and read it. S

Since when did a reddit post make a good mefi post?

Now I'm going to re watch the frozen pizza video- cause I'm sure I missed something.
posted by mattoxic at 6:50 PM on December 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

Let's sidebar this reddit post!
posted by cjorgensen at 7:19 PM on December 6, 2008

I don't think you can be the worlds greatest mathematician these days without a computer. Although I've heard that some jails do let you use laptops.
posted by delmoi at 7:26 PM on December 6, 2008

Since when did a reddit post make a good mefi post?

Now I'm going to re watch the frozen pizza video- cause I'm sure I missed something.

Irony.
posted by Hypocrites at 7:37 PM on December 6, 2008

I don't know--did anybody but me get a bullshit feeling reading this? Something about the tone reminded me of this manager I used to have at Hardee's when I was in college who had all these stories about cool things that had happened to him in the past, like when he played harmonica for Huey Lewis, or this time he got pulled over at the border for looking too much like a hippy and spent three nights in a Mexican jail, or how he could use the same receipt to steal three big-screen TVs from Sears in one afternoon. There's just a tone, a bullshit tone, and I heard it ringing as I read this.

I could be wrong. It's a weak post in any case, though.
posted by not that girl at 7:47 PM on December 6, 2008 [18 favorites]

If you don't give the laundry guys your chicken, they die your towel, underwear and jumpsuit pink which is a flag for everyone to beat the shit out of you.

It seems like if EVERYONE gave the laundry guys their chicken, those laundry guys would have a shitload of chicken. Either that or everyone is walking around in pink underwear in Denver.
posted by Salvor Hardin at 7:48 PM on December 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

I don't think you can be the worlds greatest mathematician these days without a computer.

Well, I don't know about "world's greatest", but you can certainly do a non-trivial amount of math (even applied math!) in prison, at least in Canada. Just ask Valery Fabrikant, Prisoner #167932 D.
posted by mhum at 7:49 PM on December 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

not that girl: The stories themselves might be total bullshit, absolutely. But they really touched me - not because I'm sure that they're true, but because I am sure that they're possible. That makes me feel despair.
posted by goldfinches at 7:54 PM on December 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

I don't know--did anybody but me get a bullshit feeling reading this?

yes - an anonymous post from someone who clearly has some bitterness towards the system and clearly has motivation to lie or exaggerate

for a guy who seems like a small fish, he sure traveled around a lot

it's been my personal observation that u s marshals do tend to be jerks - that part rang true
posted by pyramid termite at 7:55 PM on December 6, 2008

I was arrested and tortured as a suspected Al Qaida.(stupid fucks)

It was loads of fun. They tortured people like it was going out of style. ...

But on the Up side I did manage to set the world speed record for getting threw JFK international airport in exactly 7 minutes flat!

woot woot

All in all a fun filled time.


I question the veracity of this person's story.
posted by Jaltcoh at 8:05 PM on December 6, 2008

The same thing happened with his original post.
posted by Huplescat at 8:51 PM on December 6, 2008

I knew a guy who did seven years in prison. (I know he's telling the truth because he's listed on the Michigan offenders' web page; he shot at a DEA office who was breaking into his apartment with a search warrant.) Anyway, thanks to seven years of practice, he was an ace at horseshoes. That was his new schtick when he got out; he'd play horseshoes for money and make outrageous bets on very tricky shots.
posted by Oriole Adams at 9:00 PM on December 6, 2008 [3 favorites]

i feel ignorant...

who plays horse shoes for large amounts of money?
posted by localhuman at 9:21 PM on December 6, 2008

Since when did a reddit post make a good mefi post?

I, for one, don't read reddit. Indeed, I don't read many of the sources that most Metafilter posts come from. I come to metafilter precisely because I don't read reddit, or listen to NPR, or peruse slashdot, in the hope that points of interest or information of value from those sites will become posts here. In turn, in the event I find something interesting at the sites that I do frequent, I would post it here to pass it along to those people who don't frequent my favorite internet watering holes.
posted by shen1138 at 9:24 PM on December 6, 2008 [13 favorites]

I, for one, don't read reddit. Indeed, I don't read many of the sources that most Metafilter posts come from. I come to metafilter precisely because I don't read reddit, or listen to NPR, or peruse slashdot, in the hope that points of interest or information of value from those sites will become posts here. In turn, in the event I find something interesting at the sites that I do frequent, I would post it here to pass it along to those people who don't frequent my favorite internet watering holes.

Unless I'm greatly mistaken, that's exactly what the name "MetaFilter" was coined to mean.
posted by Xezlec at 10:21 PM on December 6, 2008 [2 favorites]

In the early nineties, I worked at a Pizza Hut in Texas. Some of the guys - the youngest ones, frighteningly, and the brownest - had done time, were gang members, were former gang members, etc.

One of them asked me once "Hey man, you ever been to prison?"

I had just gotten a B.A. in English. All the times I'd ever fired a gun were on my grandmother's farm in Mississippi. I fought with my girlfriend about whether it was okay to eat meat.

"No," I said, "Never been to prison."

He said, "Man, it's fuckin' boring."
posted by Clay201 at 10:34 PM on December 6, 2008 [7 favorites]

So, in 5 1/2 months, this guys supposedly did time in Miami, Atlanta, Oklahoma City, and Denver - and somehow, in those 51/2 months - with all of the driving around shackled, he managed to get himself out of jail.

I really don't buy this at all. I also don't think it's really that great a post for Metafilter.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:35 PM on December 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

Just ask Valery Fabrikant, Prisoner #167932 D.

Valery Fabrikant? This is a Philip K Dick story, right?
posted by rokusan at 10:58 PM on December 6, 2008 [2 favorites]

I also had a job where my co-workers (all male) couldn't believe I'd never done time, or at least been arrested for anything.

Not sure if they respected me less or more for it. I definitely stood out though.
posted by bardic at 11:00 PM on December 6, 2008

In the early nineties, I worked at a Pizza Hut in Texas. Some of the guys... had done time

Not surprising. We all know people who have been in prison. Statistically, we must...

The United States has the highest documented incarceration rate, and total documented prison population in the world. As of year-end 2006, a record 7.2 million people were behind bars, on probation or on parole. Of the total, 2.2 million were incarcerated. More than 1 in 100 American adults were incarcerated at the start of 2008. The People's Republic of China ranks second with 1.5 million, despite having over four times the population of the US. (Wikipedia)

This is not what "USA #1!" is supposed to mean.
posted by rokusan at 11:04 PM on December 6, 2008 [3 favorites]

US prisons are (stupidly, fuck-wittedly) often privatized businesses. Hence, there's profit to be made for having more people serve time. And to stay there for as long as possible (i.e., LOL rehabilitation or job-training).

Thank you Republican Party!
posted by bardic at 11:08 PM on December 6, 2008 [2 favorites]

US prisons are (stupidly, fuck-wittedly) often privatized businesses.

That. That is just insane.
posted by rokusan at 11:12 PM on December 6, 2008

We need to decriminalize drugs. Send the addicts to rehab, make the rest do community service. Nobody should be doing time for non-violent drug crimes.
posted by Afroblanco at 11:19 PM on December 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

who plays horse shoes for large amounts of money?
Bored truck drivers, for one. This was at a large steel processing plant; the ex-con's brother and father owned it. He'd set up a horseshoe pitch outside. Ever been to the shipping/receiving area of a steel plant? Trucks wait in line for hours sometimes to load/unload. Drivers welcome any sort of distraction to ease the boredom.
posted by Oriole Adams at 11:29 PM on December 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

I question the veracity of this person's story.

Was it the part about getting through JFK in 7 minutes when you finally realized? Me too!
posted by chillmost at 1:21 AM on December 7, 2008

Just ask Valery Fabrikant, Prisoner #167932 D.

OK, I came to complain about reddit articles as posts, but I stayed for the Canadian insane genius trivia. That is in-fucking-sane. All he needs is a secret lair and endless reams of cash.
posted by GuyZero at 1:24 AM on December 7, 2008

I really liked the story from the guy who ended up in jail after fucking both the mother *and* the daughter rendered him homeless.

Let this be a lesson to us all: if you're looking for hot mother/daughter three-way action, be sure that you aren't dependent on either for your housing needs.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:33 AM on December 7, 2008

I, for one, don't read reddit. Indeed, I don't read many of the sources that most Metafilter posts come from...

But you can- the internet makes it easy.

I am saying this is a crap post, and to tell you the truth feels a bit self linky- the OP's large comment rankles with me, but that's me.
posted by mattoxic at 2:54 AM on December 7, 2008

So, in 5 1/2 months, this guys supposedly did time in Miami, Atlanta, Oklahoma City, and Denver - and somehow, in those 51/2 months - with all of the driving around shackled, he managed to get himself out of jail.

No:

I fired my public defender, filed motions to withdraw all his motions, learned the criminal justice system, withdrew my plea of guilty, withdrew my plea bargain, and set the case for trial - at which point the federal prosecutor filed a motion giving me time served w/ three years probation, which was a lot better than the 3.5 years in prison that my public defender had negotiated. It took me three and a half years.

I'm not saying the story is true, but he alleges it took much longer than half a year.

I also don't think it's really that great a post for Metafilter.

Yeah, kinda weak sauce here. More of a SA thread starter than a MeFi post.
posted by Mikey-San at 3:39 AM on December 7, 2008

You meet the nicest people in prison.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 4:09 AM on December 7, 2008 [4 favorites]

at which point the federal prosecutor filed a motion giving me time served w/ three years probation, which was a lot better than the 3.5 years in prison that my public defender had negotiated. It took me three and a half years.

Well at least that part rings true. It took him 3.5 years to get 3 years probation, instead of the deal to just do 3.5 years and be done. But it's "better" because he did it himself. Ah, prisoner math.
posted by falconred at 7:50 AM on December 7, 2008 [2 favorites]

My brother's in prison. He's learning to be a tree surgeon. He doesn't really complain about it, it seems like it's a big step up from his previous life - being homeless.

(You may wonder why I, who have a home, have a brother who does not. Being a textbook case of a sociopath means that after you steal your parents' money, get their car stereo stolen by your "thug" friends, and get thrown out of every school you've ever gone to for violent behavior, eventually they stop letting you live in their house. My mom is disabled and honestly fears what might happen if my brother lived at home - not that HE would hurt her, per se, but that any of his drunk/high friends coming to collect for what he owes them just might. Also, she's pissed that he stole and sold quite a lot of her jewelry, most of which is irreplaceable.)

Anyhow. It seems like where he is, in Oregon, the goal is to get you out and get you some kind of job that no one else wants to work so that they can then open up your bed to someone else. It seems like a conveyor belt/revolving door for prisoners: get in, train to do something, do it, violate your probation, lather, rinse, repeat.

Of course, being a sociopath, my brother isn't really *bothered* by prison. It seems he prefers it to college, where, y'know, people expected more from him than simply not killing anyone that day. I'm sure he's also found a way to scam a lot of people out of their chicken, which is probably more gratifying to him than reading classic literature.

He's not stupid. He's a very smart guy, but he's just not wired in the same way that we people who get along with other humans without stabbing them are. The person I feel the worst for in his situation is his lawyer. Man, it must SUCK to have to defend someone who is not only guilty, but doesn't CARE that he's guilty.

Also: I enjoy the show Prison Break. The end.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 10:31 AM on December 7, 2008 [7 favorites]

Now that I'm out of prison I'm going to be one of those guys just out of prison that talk to the kids about my criminal exploits and subsequent incarceration that led me to the current situation where I am now just out of prison so that I can now talk to the kids about my criminal exploits and subsequent incarceration. It's so the kids will know not to be like me and engage in criminal behavior and subsequently become incarcerated.
posted by pianomover at 11:32 AM on December 7, 2008

I used to be a corrections officer at a max security remand centre. I can't speak to the writer's prison experience since I worked in a Canadian jail, but I can say that the average inmate has a hell of a lot more to worry about from the other inmates than the staff.
posted by illiad at 12:53 PM on December 7, 2008

I really expected this story to end with his mother becoming frightened by the situation and forcing him into an abrupt move to Bel-Air.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 10:43 AM on December 8, 2008

Provincial, illiad? I'm told from a few people I've known at both that federal institutions are the place to be, while provincial ones tend to the nightmare material, partly due to lack of funds.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 4:30 PM on December 8, 2008