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"Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic."
December 13, 2008 11:09 AM   Subscribe

In hard economic times, people often look to cut their food budgets first. There may be a tasty source of nutrition you're overlooking, and it's right inside your pants, or tucked into your bra! (NSFW)
posted by fontophilic (53 comments total) 6 users marked this as a favorite

 
AKA: Frumunda cheese.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 11:13 AM on December 13, 2008


Yeah. In hard economic times. HA HA. I get it.
posted by dunkadunc at 11:17 AM on December 13, 2008


I still think Bukkake Hour with Rachel Ray was a bad idea
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 11:20 AM on December 13, 2008 [5 favorites]


it's right inside your pants

Note: This product is at its best when consumed directly from the source.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 11:26 AM on December 13, 2008 [2 favorites]


No.
posted by P.o.B. at 11:34 AM on December 13, 2008


First hairless Australian surfers and now this?

I smell an agenda.
posted by The Whelk at 11:38 AM on December 13, 2008


Ha ha, that's funny: I got this thread mixed up with another tab, where the last comment is:

"If I was at the table I'd prefer the red with this. My first thought with this spicy meal is a Syrah (or Shiraz)."
posted by salvia at 11:42 AM on December 13, 2008


Oh, also, Ben & Jerry's has declined.
posted by salvia at 11:42 AM on December 13, 2008


Milk, milk, lemonade,
around the corner,
this post is made

posted by porn in the woods at 11:55 AM on December 13, 2008 [8 favorites]


Hey waiter, there's someones fly in my soup!
posted by Ron Thanagar at 12:10 PM on December 13, 2008 [1 favorite]


I don't think these techniques would be net energy positive...
posted by delmoi at 12:11 PM on December 13, 2008


Previously
posted by cellphone at 12:29 PM on December 13, 2008


There is a fish in my pants
posted by Iron Rat at 12:30 PM on December 13, 2008


Considering the carbon footprint necessary to bring these foods to table, I recommend cutting out the middle (umm) person.
posted by spacely_sprocket at 12:40 PM on December 13, 2008


This is why I paid the $5.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 12:42 PM on December 13, 2008


Are you happy to see me or is it soup?
posted by pointilist at 12:47 PM on December 13, 2008


For vegan spunk-swallowers, do they have soymen?
posted by George_Spiggott at 12:52 PM on December 13, 2008 [3 favorites]


soymen green is people (or could be, if conditions are right)
posted by spicynuts at 1:12 PM on December 13, 2008 [1 favorite]


If I remember correctly, there are more efficient ways of eating this stuff.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 1:51 PM on December 13, 2008 [1 favorite]


spicynuts, I think anything you say in this thread is doomed to be eponysterical.

tangy!
posted by LMGM at 2:09 PM on December 13, 2008


Hmm! This all taste familiar. Where have I tasted this before?
posted by doctorschlock at 2:14 PM on December 13, 2008


Catholics: "It's made of people!"
posted by _dario at 2:15 PM on December 13, 2008 [2 favorites]


This topic was brought to you by: GLORY HOLE CHEESES. It's the cheese with the whole in it.
posted by doctorschlock at 2:16 PM on December 13, 2008


has anyone tried this with the real thing?
posted by pyramid termite at 2:24 PM on December 13, 2008


Thanks. You just completed my Christmas shopping list for me!
posted by greenie2600 at 3:03 PM on December 13, 2008


Sometime after I started masturbating, and long before the Internet as we know it, I encountered the legend that the band name 10cc referred to the volume of the average human male ejaculation. I can't believe that I went so far as to actually measure the volume of my own ejaculate, but by college in the early 1980's I had taken enough science classes to reasonably estimate how much 10ml actually was.

For years I walked with my head held low, for I knew in my heart of hearts that my seminal volume was inadequate. Hell, I probably only spooged about 3 or 4 ml. That wasn't even half of 10cc; I wasn't even half a man...

It took years for me to see the light. For a time, I was sidetracked by witnessing the voluminous effusions of Peter North. But eventually I encountered legitimate medical information about average human male ejaculate volume.

Before I got a vasectomy, I decided to save some of my own semen in a sperm bank "just in case". I remember reading a pamphlet that discussed the issue of seminal volume, so I suspect that my own experience is actually not uncommon. I suspect many men believe their seminal discharge volumes might be on the low side, probably from watching various porn stars.

Four milliliters of liquid is not "food"...
posted by Tube at 3:11 PM on December 13, 2008


Hell, I probably only spooged about 3 or 4 ml. That wasn't even half of 10cc

but it would have been half of godley and creme
posted by pyramid termite at 3:17 PM on December 13, 2008 [3 favorites]


Sometime after I started masturbating ...

Really wish I had stopped reading at this point.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 3:29 PM on December 13, 2008 [5 favorites]


For years I walked with my head held low for I knew in my heart of hearts that my seminal volume was inadequate.

You still should, though not for that reason.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 3:39 PM on December 13, 2008 [1 favorite]


I recall reading somewhere that you can't make cheese from human milk, because it won't curdle.
posted by smoothvirus at 3:49 PM on December 13, 2008


I confess that when I decided to get pregnant using the donated sperm of a friend I had very little direct experience with the stuff. In truth, the majority of my exposure was through the viewing of gay porn. Hence, when he actually handed me a jar with a tiny layer of white creamy stuff on the bottom I thought - "why is he handing me this unwashed jar and where is the overflowing cupful I'd imagined?"
posted by serazin at 4:00 PM on December 13, 2008


My favourite line from Fast Times at Ridgemount High:

"About a quart."
posted by not_that_epiphanius at 4:14 PM on December 13, 2008


serazin, I expect that's a more common case than is generally known. It should probably be in more of those lesbian parenting manuals friends of mine have got...
posted by rodgerd at 4:22 PM on December 13, 2008


Tube, you could have just...not beat the meat for like a weak and eaten lots of healthy raw greens (like Spinach!) and then EXPLODED IN A FOUNTAIN OF TOTALLY AWESOME MANHOOD-CONFIRMING SPOOGE!

I remember talking to someone who thought he wasn't a real man cause he couldn't hit the ceiling when he came.

Sex kinda fucks people up.


the over-emphasis on the visual results in male sexuality leads to one of the most sweet sex theories I know, courtesy of Ali Davis. The idea that some men like She-Males because they have a part like them and they know how to please it and what it does when it's happy. And I thought that was really adorable.
posted by The Whelk at 5:19 PM on December 13, 2008 [2 favorites]


I recall reading somewhere that you can't make cheese from human milk, because it won't curdle.

Yes, here a woman tried making cheese from her old frozen breast milk, and discovered that first hand. I believe the french cheese making site is mostly a joke, (as I pray the "natural awakenings" book is) though if you upped the protein content by adding in cows or goats milk it would be probably work.
posted by fontophilic at 5:37 PM on December 13, 2008


"Sometime after I started masturbating"
At first I read this as "stopped masturbating" and thought, WTF, people stop?
Maybe he means paused so to get ready for the coming morrow, but stopped? Why?
Then I re-read and it made a lot more sense.
posted by Iron Rat at 5:38 PM on December 13, 2008


for no reason, My favorite 10cc song
posted by The Whelk at 5:57 PM on December 13, 2008


Is there any Alton Brown-esque explanation of how to cook sperm out there, or just a bunch of recipes with the word sperm in it?

Regardless, my rule of thumb is that if it ain't on the menu in Guangzhou, I won't eat it.
posted by sleslie at 5:58 PM on December 13, 2008


When I was a sideshow performer, I would inflate hot water bottles until they burst. Just like lifting weights, it's something you have to work your way up to to. In technical terms this action is similar to the Valsalva maneuver, but since I was actually exhaling, it wasn't exactly the same thing. But because of constantly performing this stunt, the strength of my diaphragm increased dramatically.

The resulting unexpected byproduct of this increased muscle tonus led to the documentation of a strange side effect in Jan Gregor's book about our sideshow adventures entitled Circus of the Scars.

Being that a number of individuals here seem to take offence at my frank commentary, I'll go no further with explicit and salacious details.
posted by Tube at 6:29 PM on December 13, 2008


Tube, I would like to see your show.
posted by The Whelk at 6:56 PM on December 13, 2008


Two of those links contradict each other. For those who are afraid to click the last three links, the first is a translation which implies that they make cheese out of human breast milk, the second is a woman who tried to make cheese form her own breast milk and concluded "So, the moral of the story, YOU CANNOT MAKE CHEESE OUT OF BREASTMILK. Don't even try." and the third is some LOLHIPPIEZ satire.

Being that a number of individuals here seem to take offence at my frank commentary, I'll go no further with explicit and salacious details.

I'd ignore them; they're in this thread already, right?
posted by jessamyn at 8:07 PM on December 13, 2008


fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap

I'll go no further with explicit and salacious details.

Hey!
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:04 PM on December 13, 2008


Dammit, I want to know the explicit and salacious details of the side effects of Tube's stronger than normal diaphragm!
posted by goshling at 11:11 PM on December 13, 2008 [1 favorite]


Yeah, Tube, you might as well. Your post made me chuckle more than anything.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:34 PM on December 13, 2008


One time I watched this man shoot in to a creek. Little minnows came and ate it. Another time, when I was young, for some reason, I decided to not take the offering of my labors. The young lad (2 years my senior) who was the grateful recipient of my attentions proceeded to produce a show which, if I saw on a video, I would assume it was looped or otherwise faked. 10cc? 'Scuse me, that was more like 50cc, and I'm not exaggerating (might be underestimating). I've never seen the like since.

But cook with it? I think it could be used as a substitute for egg whites, if you only need a small amount. Probably nice for glazing some rolls. But sorry, kids, not enough for pancakes.
posted by Goofyy at 3:24 AM on December 14, 2008 [1 favorite]


OK, I'll spill it (fnarr fnarr).

First of all, I really did inflate hot water bottles until they exploded SFW, honest!

Being on the road as a sideshow performer, you didn't always sleep in a hotel room every night. Therefore, physical relief sometimes meant having to go find some quasi private place to, you know, "work out."

This sometimes meant Larry Craig type environments, which, being physically constrained, often led me to perform while standing up. At the moment of orgasm, I would tense my abdominal muscles and push with my diaphragm. While the volume of ejaculate seemed the same as always, I found that I could shoot semen a distance of 3 to 4 feet.

Perhaps not surprisingly, this wild talent went away when I stopped regularly exercising my diaphragm.

Though I have no supporting evidence for this, I've always suspected that various male porn stars have discovered this technique as well. Perhaps abdominal "crunch" exercises would accomplish the same thing...
posted by Tube at 10:20 AM on December 14, 2008 [1 favorite]


See, if you kept it up, you could have TWO routines.
posted by The Whelk at 10:23 AM on December 14, 2008


Count me in for more details, Tube. It isn't often one gets a sideshow freak on MeFi who is so open about his weird-ass life.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:52 AM on December 14, 2008


One of Tube's acts can be found on his profile page

Tube at Jim Rose

It's good!
posted by The Whelk at 11:18 AM on December 14, 2008


I find it hard to believe, Tube, that the freakshow pays enough to make it worth it!

Helluva act!
posted by five fresh fish at 1:35 PM on December 14, 2008


Being that a number of individuals here seem to take offence at my frank commentary, I'll go no further with explicit and salacious details.

>I'd ignore them; they're in this thread already, right?


I should have made it clearer that the disapprobation in my comment was directed towards the neuroticness of measuring the volume of one's emissions, not the self-love. If I has the chutzpah to judge someone for that, I'd probably burst into flames instantly.

See, if you kept it up, you could have TWO routines.

And if you got your volume issues sorted, you could put a whole new twist on the exploding hot water bottle bit.

THE AUDIENCE MEMBERS IN FIRST THREE ROWS ARE STRONGLY ADVISED TO WEAR THE PROTECTIVE GEAR FOUND BELOW THEIR SEATS. INGESTION OF THE COMPLIMENTARY ALESSE TABLET OPTIONAL, BUT ALL LIABILITY OF THE PERFORMER IS WAIVED.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 2:18 PM on December 14, 2008 [1 favorite]


errr...

EERRRREAAUUUGGHHFPTH
posted by tehloki at 12:22 AM on December 15, 2008 [1 favorite]


NSFW?? How about NSFA--Not Safe Fucking Anywhwere
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 9:08 AM on December 15, 2008


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