Hail To The King

December 29, 2008 3:39 PM

The Wired Vaporware Awards, an institution since 1999 has taken some heavy hits this year, and has had to resort to some pretty naked padding to make a list (products in late beta whose release date has merely slipped? come on) – however, if there is anything that remains constant in these uncertain times we live in it is that one game rules the list, debuting in the No 2. slot in 2000, it then latched on to the top spot, with only editorial edict able to to shift it. Ladies and gentlemen, Duke Nukem - FOREVER.
posted by Artw (72 comments total)

I heard that was coming out soon.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 3:41 PM on December 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

It'll have to be damn good to match Daikatana, of course.
posted by Artw at 3:42 PM on December 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

ChurchHatesTucker - On the day that it does they should just shut down Wired forever.
posted by Artw at 3:42 PM on December 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

Guns N' Roses have made all things possible. ALL THINGS.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 3:43 PM on December 29, 2008

The Duke Nukem Forever List. (previously... by me).
posted by Effigy2000 at 3:50 PM on December 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

Second Wintersun album.
posted by Wolfdog at 4:02 PM on December 29, 2008

Correction:The vaporware awards have been going since at least 1997.
posted by Artw at 4:03 PM on December 29, 2008

Long-time Mac users might also want an honorable mention for Cliff Johnson.
posted by Combustible Edison Lighthouse at 4:04 PM on December 29, 2008

I want to get that 'Leave Brittney alone!!!' guy to make a video, all teary-eyed and running mascara, screaming at Wired to leave Duke Nukem alone. It's been, what, 12 years now? It's NOT HAPPENING. Even if it did, how could it not end up just looking and feeling like a knockoff of Postal? I loved DN3d. I have fond memories of blowing up a skyscraper and throwing money at strippers. There is no need to crap on my memories which is exactly what Duke Nukem Forever would probably do if released.
That said, it's time to kick ass and chew gum... and I'm all outta gum.
posted by Bageena at 4:06 PM on December 29, 2008

When pressed to explain the delay, Broussard and Miller... offer a classic excuse. "There's a lot of mistakes and lessons we had to learn," Broussard says. "But most of all, there's also been a lot of World of Warcraft."

I guess they don't give a shit any more either.
posted by Joe Beese at 4:07 PM on December 29, 2008 [4 favorites]

Special award fro the honoured fallen to Team Fortress 2 (2001 - 2006)
posted by Artw at 4:10 PM on December 29, 2008

McCain - Palin '08.
posted by swift at 4:11 PM on December 29, 2008

I'm with Bageena. Spore was kinda boring and Chinese Democracy wasn't that great. That, or more likely my expectations were just too high for both. Either way, if DNF were released eventually, it would have to be literally the GREATEST THING EVAR to not disappoint.
posted by shoebox at 4:13 PM on December 29, 2008

Are you saying the Vapourware awards are not fulfilling as promised? Also, would that be ironic? Or Eponysterical? Or just a propos?
posted by Lemurrhea at 4:17 PM on December 29, 2008

Listing IE8 and Home is not the lists finest hour... however If you were generous to Wired you'd allow that the very genre of vaporware has undergone a seismic shift of late, and the new big players have yet to come to surface. If you were less generous you'd note that "Crushing Disappointments, False Promises and Plain Old BS" is a fair description of their last 8 years.
posted by Artw at 4:29 PM on December 29, 2008

3-D Realms is no Valve, but yeah, it took 9 years for Valve to get Team Fortress 2 out the door, and TF2 is, I reckon, along a couple of axes at least (multiplayer, team-based, pure comedy mayhem) one of the best. games. evar.

So I'll reserve judgement until I actually see DNF in 2012 or so -- it might not actually suck.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:29 PM on December 29, 2008

Hurry up, Microsoft. Countless Windows desktops need IE8 badly.

What? NO. NO IT DOESN'T. WHAT THE FUCK, WIRED?

Missing from the list: Wired as a tech-centric magazine more relevant than PC World or, say, Redbook or Cosmopolitan. You guys killed Mondo 2000 to become... this? Really? This glossed-crap fashion magazine with more advertisements than a MUNI bus? I hate you so much it's a wonder your offices haven't yet spontaneously caught fire from all of the highly-focused loathing. *gurns in Wired's general direction a little harder*

Thanks, Conde Nast! First Wired, now Reddit. How long did it take for Reddit to suck after you bought it? It was about two or three weeks, wasn't it? What the hell do you do when you buy a company, anyway, offer up free lobotomies and fire anyone who doesn't accept? Is there anything else in the IT world you'd like to buy and totally spoil as though you were a sticky-faced toddler teething on a rare orchid? Hey, here's a win-win situation. Buy Microsoft and do what you do best.
posted by loquacious at 4:38 PM on December 29, 2008 [11 favorites]

loquacious - They're launching a UK version, with a column by mega-egotist Warren Ellis (expect lots of shilling for smart phones and Second Life) - that's good news, isn't it?
posted by Artw at 4:47 PM on December 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

From the article;

"OK guys, we get it. You love playing games so much, you can't be bothered to finish [Duke Nukem Forever]. Put down the bong and get it DONE.

Tell you what — we'll give you one more year."

Or what? Seriously? Or-friggin-what?
posted by Effigy2000 at 4:50 PM on December 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

This list is crap. I will post my own, much better, list in the very near future.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 4:50 PM on December 29, 2008 [10 favorites]

I actually hadn't heard about Starcraft 2 being split into three parts until I read this list. I followed the updates for a while after they announced it, but I drifted off as updates got less frequent and less meaningful. I've got no real problems with them not releasing a game until it's done, but three parts? That sounds like a shitty way to drive up the price. Phooey.
posted by echo target at 5:09 PM on December 29, 2008

What's the point of a list of consumer products if I can't buy them?
posted by box at 5:20 PM on December 29, 2008

What I do not understand is that this company must be owned by someone, and also bankrolled, yet they haven't had anything big out since 2006 (and that was something that had been kicking around for eleven years), and the money keeps coming in to sustain their efforts.

Is it just some enormous tax writeoff? Is the true development by the company some kind of mind-control device aimed at venture capitalists that will somehow convince them to just ... keep writing checks? Are the family members of key figures being held hostage? Are there a series of fat-cat investors who, drugged during a faux release party, awoke to find they had been poisoned, and had to milk little cats in strange cages for the temporary antidotes which keep them alive? What Svengali project head somehow mesmerizes the board into allowing this farce to continue? Is this just an elaborate ploy by some strange art community who will, one day, unveil an empty box and expect us to applaud? Has the company died long ago, and the ongoing press releases and screenshots just some sort of gas welling up from the mammoth carcass?

I can come up with reasons, but they all seem to border on fantasy.
posted by adipocere at 5:21 PM on December 29, 2008 [4 favorites]

Well you know, echo target, Blizzard is really hurting for cash these days, what with the abject failure of World of Warcraft. They've only got 1.5 million subscribers paying fifteen bucks a month to play it.

Gahd, I can't even imagine the amount of money those fuckers are rolling in. And now they're going to release Starcraft 2 and Diablo 3 in the near future? Shit. Rocket cars and golden mansions for all the employees, no doubt.
posted by picea at 5:24 PM on December 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

Well you know, echo target, Blizzard is really hurting for cash these days, what with the abject failure of World of Warcraft. They've only got 1.5 million subscribers paying fifteen bucks a month to play it.

If by 1.5 million you mean 11.5 million, then yes.
posted by Jairus at 5:50 PM on December 29, 2008

I've always sort of assumed that the Forever part of the title was just there to refer to the length of the development cycle. I'm pretty sure the whole thing is a giant joke of some sort.
posted by Caduceus at 5:55 PM on December 29, 2008

What's the point of a list of consumer products if I can't buy them?

Don't you want to bitch? Come on!
You can even bitch about Android as vaporware even though it's out!
posted by P.o.B. at 5:57 PM on December 29, 2008

I think the things Wired had to say about the Android-based Tmobile G1 phone was a little unfair as well. I just got one for Christmas and I enjoy it muchly. It's fast, easy to use, the Marketplace on it is full of all kinds of different apps which, so far, all seem to be free. The GPS and Maps capability is awesome. I don't find it 'clunky', but then, I also don't feel the need to compare it with the Iphone.

Because I can't HAVE an Iphone. I'm with Tmobile. Forever and ever, according to my contract
posted by Bageena at 6:05 PM on December 29, 2008

TextMate 2, that is all.
posted by furtive at 6:09 PM on December 29, 2008

Ah, but don't you see? Duke Nukem Forever isn't vaporware, but rather lives inside each of us. Every time you look at a postage stamp sized screenshot and imagine what it would look like full size, that's Duke Nukem Forever. Every time a third sequel is announced to a game franchise and you imagine that this time it will revolutionize the industry, that's Duke Nukem Forever. Duke Nukem Forever lives in every fanboy who takes sides in a conflict over the color palette of an upcoming game or who ties his self worth to the sales figures of his favorite console. Duke Nukem Forever has given us the most important gift of all: hope. Duke Nukem Forever will never see a conventional release, because if there's anything the Greeks have taught us, it's that hope can't be stuck in a box.
posted by Pyry at 6:13 PM on December 29, 2008 [12 favorites]

It was a joyous day when Microsoft was able to pull Vista off the list. Looking forward to Windows 7 making it on next year's list.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 6:40 PM on December 29, 2008

A dick, however, sadly, can.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:40 PM on December 29, 2008

DAMN YOU BLAZE! *shakes fist*
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:41 PM on December 29, 2008

with a column by mega-egotist Warren Ellis

All I have to add is this: A Famous Lady friend of mine says "whenever I'm bored or tired or want to see a spike in my page views, I just pick a twitter fight with Warren Ellis. Does that make me a bad person?"
posted by The Whelk at 6:57 PM on December 29, 2008 [4 favorites]

It really boggles the mind. How long does it normally take to make a game? I'd guess it varies, a year or under for the mass audience hits, shovelware, Madden, etc., 2 - 3 years for quality AAA titles or beloved underacheivers, some good games stuck in development hell for longer... But this is insane. You'd figure at some point they'd churn something out, or their backers would put an end to the whole thing.

I'm feeling good about 2009 though. Semi-serious. Come on, they've got to have it almost done, don't they? I guess history would disagree.
posted by yellowbinder at 7:11 PM on December 29, 2008

Thanks, Conde Nast! First Wired, now Reddit.

They seem to be doing a nice job of shitting up ArsTechnica these days, too.
posted by rodgerd at 7:21 PM on December 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

picea - and the greedy bastards have the nerve to release Starcraft 2 three times. Like they're hurting for the money. Like they wouldn't turn a profit by just giving copies of WoW away at the mall. All this "more than an expansion pack" talk makes me reckon they mean "costs more than an expansion pack."
posted by EatTheWeak at 7:40 PM on December 29, 2008

How long does it normally take to make a game?

From my experience, it depends on mulltiple variables that come into play. One big question is how of much of an existing architecture are you already planning to use (such as Portal using the Half-Life engine)? My guess is this is one of the big things that has pushed them back a couple of times. They probably built a fair portion of the game and then threw it out for a total new rebuild once somebody else came out with the next best thing and outdated them. Judging by the preview video it doesn't look like anything special.
posted by P.o.B. at 7:41 PM on December 29, 2008

Like they wouldn't turn a profit by just giving copies of WoW away at the mall.

Well, these days you can download it for free. So they're basically already doing that. If we lived slightly in the past, I'd half-expect them to spam the world with physical media, like a latter-day AOL.
posted by Tomorrowful at 7:49 PM on December 29, 2008

Let's not forget Ars Technica's 2006 review - though, as evidenced by the date indicated on the webpage, the game still hadn't received its ESRB rating.
posted by Smart Dalek at 8:27 PM on December 29, 2008

Also, I hope someone at 3D realms is reading, cuz I'm gonna fix their Duke Nuken 3D problem for them for free.

They've been working on this since before the PS1 came out. The game has been in the ninth circle of development hell for almost as long as Chinese Democracy, and like the Guns & Roses vaporrecord, whatever they have resembling a finished product is sure to be a paste-up of trends that have come and gone while they abandoned one design document after another.

Whether they even bought development kits for each hardware generation that their game has failed to come of age in, it's hard to see a way they stand a chance of recouping the investments lost on so many false starts. The only way I can see them turning this thing around is if they capitalize on their product's reputation as a notorious failure.

I want to see it all. I want a DVD with everything they tried but didn't quite finish. I want them to stop bluffing us about this game and put their cards on the table. The development of Duke Nukem Forever has spanned three hardware generations at this point. If they have semi-playable content from every period of this lengthy incubation, then what they could release wouldn't quite be a traditional game but a record of gaming's evolution over the last 12 years. A gaming documentary, delivered in game form. We've all seen plenty of games that are the results of a successful development. I think 3D Realms ought to show us what it looks like when game development fails.

Mr. Broussard, Mr Miller, listen up. Gather every level, environment and character you've ever gotten far enough off the drawing board to run with a controller or keyboard. Take whatever money you've got left and invest it as follows: Enough playtesting to make whatever content you have, whatever platform your meant it for in the first place, whatever level of audiovisual quality, is debugged enough to achieve some basic level of fun, whatever snap-and-crunch you can get. I realize a lot of this content will have more bugs in it than a Palestinian charity, but do what you can with what you've got. Surely you're not entirely empty-handed, right? (right?)

Next, you hire some talented documentary filmmakers. Commission them to make a number of short films where you explain what you wanted to try in Duke Nukem Forever and why it went wrong. It would be good if these were funny. We've been having a gas busting your balls about your non-game for a long time, so why not join in? Considering the source of most of Duke's dialog, I think it'd be worth trying to hire Bruce Campbell to be somehow involved with these short films. Along with the documentary, I suggest you include all your development materials - concept art, design documents, whatever meeting minutes you're comfortable sharing, that kind of thing. I want to see it all.

After all this time, I'm mostly curious as to what Duke Nukem Forever has looked like over the last 12 years. Don't abandon what you spent good money building - since your game is a car wreck, put out a product that lets the curious player rubberneck it. Since your game it a bombed math test, make the most of it by at least making sure to show your work. Make the archival material the reward for playing with your half-finished characters in your semi-finished levels. Duke Nukem forever has been a Playstation game and a late nineties PC game and a game for both Xboxes over the years - it's less a game than a curiosity and 3D Realms will at least come out of this with an interesting, unique product if they let us poke around in all its strange nooks and crannies.

If you insist on stringing all this content together with some kind of story rather than make the playable content selectable from a menu, I suggest some sort of time travel story where the earliest versions of the game's development are those furthest back in the time stream and the most modern are found further into the future. With this approach, you could include the original 2D Apogee shareware games - or at least similar content - back at the dawn of time.

Include the multiplayer and world-building tools that gave Duke Nukem 3D such longevity. Include them for as many of the game's permutations as you can. Do all of this right and Duke Nukem Forever will go from being a laughing stock to being a laughing stock and something utterly unique in both gaming and film - a documentary that you can play. A documentary on bees can't put a hive in your DVD player. A documentary on Rome can't put your feet in the Rubicon. This documentary would also be the thing it documents!

Satisfy our morbid curiosity, take a shot at making at least a little of your money back and, for God's sake, wash your hands of this fucking game.
posted by EatTheWeak at 8:54 PM on December 29, 2008 [51 favorites]

It was a joyous day when Microsoft was able to pull Vista off the list. Looking forward to Windows 7 making it on next year's list.

As a young child, were you sodomized by Bill Gates against your will? That's the only thing I can think of to explain your Microsoft obsession.
posted by me & my monkey at 9:01 PM on December 29, 2008

"What about System 7?"
"It's coming coming!!!"
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 9:46 PM on December 29, 2008

If we lived slightly in the past, I'd half-expect them [Blizzard] to spam the world with physical media, like a latter-day AOL.

They do. I was subscribed for half a year after the release, and now and then I will get a DVD in the mail with an invitation to reopen my account.
posted by ymgve at 9:52 PM on December 29, 2008

Do all of this right and Duke Nukem Forever will go from being a laughing stock to being a laughing stock and something utterly unique in both gaming and film - a documentary that you can play. A documentary on bees can't put a hive in your DVD player. A documentary on Rome can't put your feet in the Rubicon. This documentary would also be the thing it documents!

This idea is brilliant. It is so spectacularly brilliant that even if DNF code has gone gold and they are ready to ship, they should pull it back, break it, and release EatTheWeak's version instead.
posted by Pastabagel at 9:54 PM on December 29, 2008

Sometimes, the belief that DNF is just around the corner is the only thing that keeps me going. You faithless infidels.
posted by grouse at 9:57 PM on December 29, 2008

EatTheWeek: The PS1 came out in 1994. Duke Nukem 3D was released in 1996.

I apologise, I had to check that.
posted by sien at 10:06 PM on December 29, 2008

When is Chandler 2.0 coming out?
posted by lukemeister at 10:21 PM on December 29, 2008

"There's a lot of mistakes and lessons we had to learn," Broussard says. "But most of all, there's also been a lot of World of Warcraft."

Here's a lesson you shouldn't have had to learn - if your lack of output is the laughingstock of the industry, you probably shouldn't play video games at work.

The investors should just close the entire studio, junk everything that's been created, cut their losses, and have some other development house produce a game for the still-worthwhile-for-some-inconceivable-reason license. For sheer irony's sake, I suggest they use Croteam. I bet they'd have something worth playing out within three years.
posted by Mitrovarr at 10:32 PM on December 29, 2008

Windwos 7 is already in beta. New task bar sounds horrible though - too much like the OS X dock, which I've never liked. Hopefully that's turn-offable.
posted by Artw at 10:44 PM on December 29, 2008

Windwos 7 is already in beta

I wasn't being too serious, but Vista and its predecessors were in beta for several years. Still, unless Windows 7 is just Vista repackaged with a new name and a few UI changes (and it looks like that's the case) I would be very surprised if we see it this year.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:27 PM on December 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

A black man was elected President of the United States before Duke Nukem Forever was finished and released. Were I George Broussard, and this realization hit me, I would instantly filet my arms.
posted by Mikey-San at 11:35 PM on December 29, 2008 [3 favorites]

And I'd cut them clean off when it registers that his middle name is "Hussein" and Virginia still had the sense to vote for him.
posted by Mikey-San at 11:44 PM on December 29, 2008

Features new to Windows 7, for whatever it's worth.
posted by Artw at 11:57 PM on December 29, 2008

Where does 3-D Realms get their cash from? Who the hell pays these guys?
posted by bardic at 12:06 AM on December 30, 2008

Where does 3-D Realms get their cash from? Who the hell pays these guys?

Well they churned out the Max Payne games, and they presumably got some cash out of the movie rights, and they made Prey, plus the original Duke is still selling a bunch of copies on XBLA. Hell, Valve barrelled along for years on HL1 sales alone.
posted by markr at 1:49 AM on December 30, 2008

I loved the original duke3d some time ago and have wanted the new one to come out many years. Now that it seems like it might, it would kill the dream if it did. "I'm looking good" - duke
posted by dabcad at 2:46 AM on December 30, 2008

Pff, Duke Nukem, what about (Insert obscure games rumour from the 80s, probably about Matt Smith)!?!111!!!

Also Duke Nukem Forever... more like Duke Nukem Takes Forever, amirite?! I'm here all week, tell your friends.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:48 AM on December 30, 2008

Mark me: Windows 7 will be out by summer. They are not fucking around this time, after the debacle that is Vista. They can't afford to.

ZDNet predictably needs a tissue, but my personal experience of messing around with the leaked beta 1 agrees that it's already better in terms of performance if nothing else on my machine than Vista was on release. Light years better than Vista was at beta 1. Hell, better than Vista is now, after SP1.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:06 AM on December 30, 2008

Thanks, Conde Nast! First Wired, now Reddit. How long did it take for Reddit to suck after you bought it?

Daddy, Daddy! Tell the one about the time when Wired didn't suck!

OK, but let's remember that these are just stories from our imagination. Once up on a time...
posted by DU at 4:25 AM on December 30, 2008 [5 favorites]

I think the feather in the cap would be that DNF is actually released, but the system requirements are such that absolutely no-one will have a system stout enough to actually play it...ever. Something on the order of the entire computing power at CERN x2.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:56 AM on December 30, 2008

Combustible Edison Lighthouse writes "Long-time Mac users might also want an honorable mention for Cliff Johnson."

Wait, that guy wrote 3 in three? Man, I remember that game - I spent a long time trying to get that damned 3 back into the spreadsheet...
posted by caution live frogs at 6:05 AM on December 30, 2008

Last time I checked, Wired was about 65% full-page ads. Since I pay less than a dollar an issue, I don't mind that much except for when they bundle the "Fashion Rocks!" crap with it.

I can deal with the BMW and Absolut and expensive watch ads, but the fashion crap HAS TO STOP.
posted by mrbill at 8:24 AM on December 30, 2008

Still, unless Windows 7 is just Vista repackaged with a new name and a few UI changes (and it looks like that's the case) I would be very surprised if we see it this year.

That's precisely what Windows 7 will be. The additional "features" listed in artw's link are essentially software updates to media player (though it still doesn't support FLAC, OGG or SHN, even though the source is available for fucking free) and a new start menu dock.

Microsoft is adamant about shoving Vista down the throats of customers (both business & home, whether they want it or not); Windows 7 is just Vista-forced-death-march, attempt #2.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 8:46 AM on December 30, 2008

Mikey-San, it's even better than that: Barack Obama's ENTIRE POLITICAL CAREER, from serving in the Illinois state senate all the way to becoming the first black president, happened while DNF was in development.
posted by steveminutillo at 9:23 AM on December 30, 2008

I'm sure it's been observed repeatedly, but that acronym is kind of appropriate.
posted by Wolfdog at 9:52 AM on December 30, 2008

That's precisely what Windows 7 will be.

Essentially, yeah. Much of the guts of the OS are straight outta Vista, much of the work being done is user interface changes and simplifications and stripping some cruft out. If Vista is the new Windows Me, 7 isn't the new XP, but it hopefully won't end up being a Windows Me Too.

Like I said, beta 1 is much more encouraging than Vista beta 1 was, in my experience so far, at least. We shall see.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 3:56 PM on December 30, 2008

As I understand it when Vista hit alpha the first time around it was rejected, and they dropped features like crazy and rewrote big chunks of it in a hurry - no such clusterfuck appears to be happening with 7.
posted by Artw at 5:17 PM on December 30, 2008

(Also I like the nice, unpretentious nature of the name "Windows 7", not that it will last)
posted by Artw at 5:18 PM on December 30, 2008

I think the list officially jumped the shark (or nuked the fridge, depending on your viewpoint) when I read about MSIE 8 _on_ fucking MSIE 8. It's definitely not the greatest thing since sliced bread, and yes it still has a lot of hipster-hate going for it, but it exists, you illogical nincompoops.

That is to say, I did not understand this:

The betas look great, but final code is still months away — cold comfort for OEMs and corporations who can't adopt a new browser until it's been thoroughly tested and approved.

Isn't a feature-freeze and thorough testability with partners the very fucking _definition_ of RC 1?! What do you think we're doing out here, developing new skins for it or something?
posted by the cydonian at 6:59 PM on December 30, 2008 [1 favorite]

Isn't a feature-freeze and thorough testability with partners the very fucking _definition_ of RC 1

No, no, I can see where the confusion comes from. Here, let me translate Microsoft Microspeak to you:

Idea for Software: No Idea Whatsoever
Alpha Version: Germ of Idea
Beta Version: Several germs of an idea, wrapped together poorly
Release Candidate: Alpha version
Final Build: Beta version
Point-One release (aka Service Pack 1): Release Candidate 1
Point-Two release (aka Service Pack 2): Final Build
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 11:55 PM on December 30, 2008

Pff, Duke Nukem, what about (Insert obscure games rumour from the 80s, probably about Matt Smith)!?!111!!!

The next installment in the Elite series. I played the last one on an Amiga, when you could still buy them new.

What have you been doing all this time, Braben!
posted by rodgerd at 1:34 AM on December 31, 2008