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Star Wars -- Sort Of.
January 15, 2009 8:18 AM   Subscribe

Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn't seen it).
posted by chunking express (169 comments total) 55 users marked this as a favorite

 
To quote the first comment on the video, "Wow, so close, yet... so far, far away..."
posted by chunking express at 8:19 AM on January 15, 2009 [4 favorites]


Hey guys. I.... I have some news. Are you sitting down?

Okay.

Here it is.

No one cares.
posted by Happy Dave at 8:22 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Anyway, I prefer this explanation.
posted by Happy Dave at 8:23 AM on January 15, 2009 [3 favorites]


That's very funny. Thanks!
posted by cerebus19 at 8:26 AM on January 15, 2009


Maybe it's my youth, but I like the remake with Leonardo DiCaprio.
Also, Happy Dave beat me to my real favourite.
posted by Lemurrhea at 8:27 AM on January 15, 2009


The Wilhelm just never gets old, does it.
posted by echo target at 8:31 AM on January 15, 2009 [4 favorites]


That's about as coherent as my understanding of the plot and I've seen it all more than once.

Give me Star Trek, a science fiction show containing science.

That said, this is hilariously well done and that friend is a very, very good sport.
posted by DU at 8:32 AM on January 15, 2009 [2 favorites]


Wow, someone else has seen The Stuff. Weird.
posted by Afroblanco at 8:33 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Oh man, I think I may be this girl. I honestly can't remember if I've sat through any of the original three all the way through. I've also made the same Hans/Han mistake (I can guarantee that will never happen again). Anyway, her explanation is way more coherent than anything I would have come up with. Kudos.
posted by piratebowling at 8:39 AM on January 15, 2009


So she knew about ewoks and chewie but not that Darth Vader was Luke's father?
posted by minifigs at 8:39 AM on January 15, 2009


Animation really makes it work.
I was skeptical until "It's a cliffhanger" scrolled by. Silliness is my personal savior.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:40 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Here I was hoping this was another video from the dudes who did the Predator and Robocop raps.
posted by mannequito at 8:46 AM on January 15, 2009


F=MA

Jedi mind tricks are nothing more than elementary physics.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 8:49 AM on January 15, 2009


She is ready to be a director for Disney!
posted by Xoebe at 8:56 AM on January 15, 2009


neat... made me smile...

and, her version of the plot makes about as much sense as....what's his name... that lucas guy, or whatever.
posted by HuronBob at 8:56 AM on January 15, 2009


That was excellent. I love the Chewie-as-deformed-ewok explanation.
posted by ook at 8:57 AM on January 15, 2009


Loved it. Also, Happy Dave: agreed.
posted by alpha_betty at 9:00 AM on January 15, 2009


that was adorable.
posted by shmegegge at 9:00 AM on January 15, 2009


Give me Star Trek, a science fiction show containing science.

Heck yeah. I used to watch the original series episodes on a little 3" black-and-white TV because they were syndicated on a local station that cable didn't carry. I think I managed to see nearly all of them that way. TNG is reponsible for my Netflix subscription. Over $1000 to own the DVDs? No thanks, think I'll get them delivered to my mailbox by elves.

I don't dig much on Star Wars, but this video made me laugh. Out loud.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:02 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Give me Star Trek, a science fiction show containing science.

Yeah, it's weird. Count me in as someone who's never gotten obsessive the Star Wars fandom. Star Trek, on the other hand, is quite a different matter.

To me, Star Wars is more of a story, whereas Star Trek is more of a universe. Trek always seemed a lot "deeper" to me.
posted by Afroblanco at 9:10 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Star Wars isn't really science fiction, IMO. I would call it space fantasy.
posted by utsutsu at 9:12 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


"but this video made me laugh. Out loud. LOL" ftfy..

Dude, this is the internet! If you're going to do the internet, do the internet correctly!
posted by HuronBob at 9:13 AM on January 15, 2009 [2 favorites]


Fine. I lawled. I literally lawled.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:15 AM on January 15, 2009 [2 favorites]


That was funny, thanks.
posted by Mister_A at 9:15 AM on January 15, 2009


I like uptalk?
posted by everichon at 9:18 AM on January 15, 2009 [3 favorites]


HANS SOLO! Ah, me, that's funny. Thanks for posting this.
posted by nkknkk at 9:21 AM on January 15, 2009


The thing that bothered me about Star Trek is that the ludicrous ham-fisted explanations for things are a hell of a lot less believable than the non-explanations used in the original Star Wars trilogy. Made-up polysyllabic words ≠ science.

But then in new jack Star Wars, they go ahead and start talking about how the force is mediated through the agency of some commensal organisms called Cenobites or something? And I'm like, duh?
posted by Mister_A at 9:22 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Is this where we mention Star Wars oddities? I'll throw in the song "What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb?)" (which I just mentioned in the goofy question thread) & The Star Wars Holiday Special.

The song might be up at Youtube & Vimeo. I can't bring myself to actually test those links.
posted by Pronoiac at 9:24 AM on January 15, 2009


Give me Star Trek, a science fiction show containing science.

Hahaha.

Can you please explain the science behind the Vulcan mind meld to me?

Anyway, this is pretty adorable, and she doesn't do all that badly cobbling together a plot.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:27 AM on January 15, 2009


Oh hai moderators? Correction up there please? The commensal organisms are not called Cenobites, but rather Mennonites? Thanks?
posted by Mister_A at 9:27 AM on January 15, 2009 [3 favorites]


I like uptalk?

When I like rule the world? With an iron fist, or whatever? People who uptalk? Will, like, get an electric shock? Each time they do? For something that's not, like, a question? Or whatever?

Not a lethal shock, mind you. Not even anywhere near taser level. Just enough to jolt. Also in the initial training, each time they successfully refrain from uptalking, they'll get a food pellet. My rule will be harsh, but not cruel.
posted by Drastic at 9:28 AM on January 15, 2009 [4 favorites]


I totally had an image of Solo in lederhosen going, "Ja, I ahm Hans. I ahm here to rez-cue da Preen-cess and den vee vill eat sauwerkraut.
posted by yeti at 9:28 AM on January 15, 2009 [3 favorites]


Star Trek doesn't contain ONLY science. That would be a pretty boring show (well, no it wouldn't but you know what I mean).
posted by DU at 9:29 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


I like the George Lucas cameo. So appropriate!

I'm no Star Wars superfan by any means--my knowledge of the storyline is on par with this girl's--but my god did Lucas fuck that shit up. (Commence derail!)

The biggest reason I can't sit through any of the films now is the glaring and horrible digital "improvements". (He even infected his masterpiece THX-1138 with the shit. One can only assume American Graffiti is next.)

That said, there are certainly native elements that serve as pretty big roadblocks:

Why is translation technology necessary when all the alien languages (not to mention R2 bleep-bloops) are apparently somehow mutually intelligible with English (or whatever), and why would that translation technology take the form of a bumbling, neurotic droid?

Yoda sounds like Grover. He needn't be dubbed by James Earl Jones, or even not-Frank-Oz, and admittedly a bit of the plot hinges on Yoda's inherent ridiculousness, but come on.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:30 AM on January 15, 2009


yeti, please refrain from your anti-Teutonic slanders, mein freund.
posted by Mister_A at 9:30 AM on January 15, 2009


Mister_A, you're confused with Tribbolites. Those were little furry things that cooed and made women swoon; unfortunately they all went extinct a long, long, time ago are all fossilized now.
posted by yhbc at 9:31 AM on January 15, 2009


In the stuff? Like Hans?
posted by Mister_A at 9:32 AM on January 15, 2009


What is it? Why, lovely lady, it's just my lightsaber.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:34 AM on January 15, 2009


Why is translation technology necessary when all the alien languages (not to mention R2 bleep-bloops) are apparently somehow mutually intelligible with English (or whatever)...

I think Luke is the only human that can understand R2's bleep-bloops. Well, Leia must. I always figured they just spoke English AND Bloopish.
posted by DU at 9:41 AM on January 15, 2009 [4 favorites]


The thing that bothered me about Star Trek is that the ludicrous ham-fisted explanations for things are a hell of a lot less believable than the non-explanations used in the original Star Wars trilogy. Made-up polysyllabic words ≠ science.

Thank you! An old friend of mine (who was himself a Trekkie, just one self-aware enough to know that it was still a ludicrous little show) explained it thusly:

Every episode starts off with the crew in the midst of a routine, peaceful mission, when suddenly one of the underlings shouts out something like, "Captain, the Tachyon Phaser Meter is reading out at over 10x10^12 Ohms!" And you're like, "Well shit! That can't be good!" And then they spend an hour running around fighting whatever alien presence this problem has created, until in the last five minutes somebody says, "Hey, wait, what if we reverse-calibrate the photon compression shield?" And they do. And it works. And at home you're thinking, "Yeah! Why didn't I think of that?"

And only later do you realize that the whole problem and solution are invented and meaningless, just like everything else on that god-awful, stupid-ass show. The acting is almost universally wooden and cringe-inducing, and the few performers actually worthy of even having a SAG card (Patrick Stewart, arguably Kirstie Ally and... nope, guess that's it) still can't do anything here because the writing is sub-Lucas. Add to this the necessarily shitty production values and the "sterile above all else!" aesthetic and you grow ever closer to "art" with absolutely no artistic merit. No sense of how to tell a story, no stories to tell even if the did.... ggrrrrrrrAGGGH!

Star Trek pisses me off. I know this is probably a sore point for a lot of people here, with Star Trek being among the first things to accept their burgeoning nerdiness when everything else seemed to threaten them for it. I get that, and sympathize, and hell, if Trek can continue to be a safe have for young nerds the world over, then I'll put my support behind it's continued existence (like that matters.) What I won't do is pretend that there are any positive qualities to the franchise itself, because there aren't. At least Star Wars didn't start sucking until the prequels. Star Trek has always sucked.
posted by Navelgazer at 9:49 AM on January 15, 2009 [29 favorites]


Outing myself as a nerd here, but Luke only understands R2 when he's in his cockpit and can read the little translation doohickey.
posted by Happy Dave at 9:49 AM on January 15, 2009 [6 favorites]


Made-up polysyllabic words ≠ science.

As a long-time Trek fan, I totally agree. I've heard that in the original scripts, whenever they wanted Geordi or O'Brien or Wesley to talk tech, their lines would appear as :

Geordi : TECH TECH TECH TECH TECH TECH

to be filled-in later with meaningful-sounding gibberish. Always my least favorite part of the show. Just write the damn thing off as a plot device and get on with it.

In general, I think that all the "explaining how the ship works" stuff is one of the main things that turn people off to science fiction as a genre. BSG is blessedly-free of this sort of thing, which I think is one of the reasons why so many of my non-trekker friends are into it.
posted by Afroblanco at 9:51 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Posting anything at all in this thread automatically outs you as a nerd, Happy Dave.
posted by Mister_A at 9:53 AM on January 15, 2009


What would have been utterly ridiculous and annoying was saved by some inspired animation. Also, the single picture he chose to use, presumably of the girl telling the story, shows her looking just a little bit more than a little bit "off" and is hilarious... or whatever?
posted by owtytrof at 9:54 AM on January 15, 2009


Whoa whoa whoa. I completely agree that TNG is technobabble awfulness. I could never watch more than a few episodes.

But TOS is golden. Cheesy and low-budget, but sincere. TOS is a Mom & Pop corner restaurant of a show while TNG is TGIFriday's.
posted by DU at 9:59 AM on January 15, 2009 [5 favorites]


I actually like the Shatner/Nimoy series too, and for the same reasons, DU.
posted by Mister_A at 10:00 AM on January 15, 2009


Star Trek has always sucked.

You wouldn't be saying that if Khan were still alive!
posted by utsutsu at 10:01 AM on January 15, 2009


If you want Science, watch Mr. Wizard.
posted by studentbaker at 10:02 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


I agree with most on here that Star Wars is a fantasy and not SciFi. Star Trek is well more believable of a galaxy.... God I feel like a nerd for saying that.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 10:03 AM on January 15, 2009


Oh shit, utsutsu, I didn't even think about that.

Seriously, please everybody disregard my comment above, which I retract for the time being out of respect to Mr. Montalban. That was (seriously) tactless of me.

Sorry. y'all.
posted by Navelgazer at 10:04 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


I'm glad someone finally has the courage to point out the COMPLETELY FAKE and RIDICULOUS science in the Start Wars trilogy. It makes me so mad when fictional works don't follow the physical LAWS OF NATURE.

Here are some more BOGUS MISTAKES that utterly RUIN other works of art:


Ice Age: Mammoths and saber-toothed tigers traveling around helping humans.

FACT: Mammoths are delicious and there's no way a tiger wouldn't just eat him.

Truman Show: The artificial world is enclosed in a giant dome and it is stated that the only other man-made object visible from space is the Great Wall of China.

FACT: There's no way you could really keep someone from using the internet I mean come on.

100 Years of Solitude: Gypsies sell the inhabitants of Macondo a magic carpet for their last pieces of gold.

FACT Magic carpets do not exist and neither do Gypsies.

John Berryman's Dream Songs: "The restaurant buzzes. She might as well be on Mars. "

FACT: If she was on Mars he could not see her because it is dark there and they would both die of no air.

Mona Lisa the Painting: A pretty girl appears to smile at the painter.

FACT: It's a dude.

Thank god for Star Trek!
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:06 AM on January 15, 2009 [64 favorites]


HANS HOT FIRST!
posted by steef at 10:06 AM on January 15, 2009 [12 favorites]


And only later do you realize that the whole problem and solution are invented and meaningless

Navelgazer, in all fairness, I think that you're only seeing one aspect of the show. If you put aside the tech gibberish, most Trek episodes (the good ones, anyway) are metaphorical commentaries on the human condition. The tech stuff is usually only a plot device, and simply serves to move the episode forward. This is really my main problem with all the tech talk - since it's all gibberish anyway and has almost nothing to do with the real meat of the episode, why spend so much screen time on it?

I would guess that your old friend doesn't see the show as ludicrous, but just realizes that a TV show can still be good despite is deficiencies.

As for your other complaints - the acting, the writing, the art direction - I guess we'll just have to chalk it up to matters of taste. De gustibus and all of that.
posted by Afroblanco at 10:08 AM on January 15, 2009 [3 favorites]


Going solely on the picture of Amanda in the video and her description of Star Wars, I'm pretty much in love with her
posted by orville sash at 10:10 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


"but this video made me laugh. Out loud. LOL" ftfy..

I think it's fair to say that "LOL" has transcended its original acronym based meaning, and that to describe actual laughter, it's not really a useful tool anymore.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 10:12 AM on January 15, 2009 [4 favorites]


Metafilter: Stuff retold by people who haven't seen it.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 10:15 AM on January 15, 2009 [2 favorites]


I guess one could argue that the Mooninites in the Star Wars trainwreck are mutualists, not commensalists. However, I would counter that the Tralfalmadorianites do not confer any kind of selective advantage to their host, and that their presence may in fact be harmful inasmuchas they make Darth Vader want to chop your head off.

The unenlightened among you will point to Yoda's apparent longevity as evidence of significant survival benefit to the host, and will insist that the Sunununites form a mutualistic relationship with their hosts. If you hold this view, please grant me the courtesy of a few moments to demonstrate that you are a gap-toothed raccoon-eating bumpkin:

1. Yoda had no children.
2. When Yoda died, his mom, completely uninfected by Sildenafilians, was still alive and well and working the second shift at the UPS hub.

So please, don't argue that the Ozymandians are mutualists–you will just look silly.
posted by Mister_A at 10:20 AM on January 15, 2009 [4 favorites]


Ozymandians are mutualists. Duh.
posted by rand at 10:27 AM on January 15, 2009


DID YOU EVEN READ WHAT I WROTE THERE???!?!?!?!
posted by Mister_A at 10:28 AM on January 15, 2009 [7 favorites]


"I think it's fair to say that "LOL" has transcended its original acronym based meaning, and that to describe actual laughter, it's not really a useful tool anymore."

In that case, I'm at least one tech generation removed from being able to converse on the internets.
posted by HuronBob at 10:31 AM on January 15, 2009


If you put aside the tech sex gibberish, most Trek episodes porn vids (the good ones, anyway) are metaphorical commentaries on the human condition.

ftfy
posted by waraw at 10:32 AM on January 15, 2009 [2 favorites]


Hey! Where's the "spoilers" tag?
posted by pointilist at 10:35 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


DID YOU EVEN READ WHAT I WROTE THERE???!?!?!?!

Up until you said Yoda had a mom. Everyone knows Yoda doesn't have a mom. Even if he did, she wouldn't be caught dead working around a UPS hub. Especially the second shift.
posted by rand at 10:38 AM on January 15, 2009


She got fired from her job as a copywriter because she was drinking at work, that's why she's working at UPS. She has a scheme to let a box "accidentally" fall on her foot so she can go on disability and hang out with her cats and smoke Kools all day.
posted by Mister_A at 10:42 AM on January 15, 2009


Yoda's mom so fat, Lando Calrissian saw her and was like "You truly belong here with us, among the clouds . . . cause you stuck!"
posted by ND¢ at 10:48 AM on January 15, 2009 [3 favorites]


So fat Yoda's mom is, when around the house she lies, around the house she lies.
posted by rusty at 11:02 AM on January 15, 2009 [57 favorites]


So it's come to this, jokes about Yoda's mom.

As Mister_A said: did you even read what I wrote there?!

Yoda doesn't have a mom. Period. She never existed. Yoda just appeared one day, green, short, wrinkly, old, and a Master Jedi. I kid you not. George Lucas has proof -- it'll be in his coming Star Wars Episode 0: The Origin of Yoda/The Force/Those Silly Force-Giving Blood Parasites.

I even hear Jar-Jar will be in it.
posted by rand at 11:08 AM on January 15, 2009


Give me Star Trek, a science fiction show containing science.

AND I SAY BOUNCE THE GRAVITRON PARTICLE BEAM OFF THE MAIN DEFLECTOR DISH
THAT'S THE WAY WE DO THINGS, LAD, WE'RE MAKIN' SHIT UP AS WE WISH
THE KLINGONS AND THE ROMULANS, THEY POSE NO THREAT TO US
'CAUSE IF WE FIND WE'RE IN A BIND, WE JUST MAKE SOME SHIT UP

posted by Pope Guilty at 11:08 AM on January 15, 2009 [9 favorites]


Yoda's mom so fat, Jabba be like "Damn!"
posted by team lowkey at 11:15 AM on January 15, 2009 [6 favorites]


"That's no moon... That's Yoda's mom."
posted by waraw at 11:17 AM on January 15, 2009 [7 favorites]


I also prefer the Star Wars scientific non-explanations to the Star Trek gobbledy-gook explanations. What's more, I prefer a rebel-scum view of events to an Official, Administrative Viewpoint.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:17 AM on January 15, 2009


Yoda's mom so fat, the whole Hoth outpost could sleep in her belly.
posted by team lowkey at 11:24 AM on January 15, 2009


Yoda's mom so fat, it takes four proton torpedoes in her exhaust to blow her up.
posted by barnacles at 11:26 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Yoda's mom so fat Grendel the space slug could live in her belly button and have room for his girlfriend to move in, too.
posted by barnacles at 11:27 AM on January 15, 2009


Star Trek has always sucked.

You should totally go hang out in the Mars thread with the guy who can't understand why anyone would care about life existing on another planet. Trek has always been about idealism and imagination (and yes, Kirk's shirt getting ripped). How you can crap on that is beyond me.
posted by CunningLinguist at 11:28 AM on January 15, 2009 [3 favorites]


pointilist: Hey! Where's the "spoilers" tag?

Here you go.
posted by Pronoiac at 11:29 AM on January 15, 2009


Yoda's mom so fat when she fell in the Sarlacc it got full.

Okay that's the trilogy. Why am I doing this, again?
posted by barnacles at 11:30 AM on January 15, 2009 [5 favorites]


Yoda's mom so fat, her midichlorians have midichlorians.
posted by hifiparasol at 11:36 AM on January 15, 2009 [7 favorites]


I thought the Aliens vs Predator continuity discussion was heading in a painful direction. I should have just looked to Star Wars fans as an example. "See the Star Wars canon levels! (All five of 'em!) Do you want to be like that!"
posted by Pronoiac at 11:37 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Yoda's mom so fat, when Leia first met her she thought Alderann was okay after all.
posted by hifiparasol at 11:40 AM on January 15, 2009 [3 favorites]


You nerds get out of my thread!
posted by Mister_A at 11:41 AM on January 15, 2009


Yoda's mom so fat, Jek Porkins was all like, "Man, that was one fat-ass Yoda's mom."
posted by hifiparasol at 11:41 AM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Yoda's mom so fat, this one time Yoda was like, "Yeah, okay, maybe size matters a little."
posted by hifiparasol at 11:43 AM on January 15, 2009 [13 favorites]


Yoda's mom so fat, she got to carry a heavysaber.
posted by hifiparasol at 11:50 AM on January 15, 2009 [36 favorites]


Yoda's mom so ugly, when she came out of the carbonite, everybody else went blind.
posted by hifiparasol at 11:53 AM on January 15, 2009 [15 favorites]


Yoda's mom so fat, tauntauns crawl inside her to keep warm.
posted by hifiparasol at 11:57 AM on January 15, 2009 [13 favorites]


Trek has always been about idealism and imagination (and yes, Kirk's shirt getting ripped). How you can crap on that is beyond me.

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium is about childhood innocence. Pearl Harbor is about loyalty and sacrifice. American Idol is about expression and fighting for your dreams. Just being "about" something admirable doesn't excuse a movie, or show, or whatever from insipidness. At least all of the trash mentioned above is more entertaining at the basic level than fucking Star Trek.

What kills me is that truly quality shows like BSG and Farscape have to fight for every last dime, and practically hold telethons to keep from being cancelled, while anyone who's seen them, "sci-fi fan" or not can tell you how amazing they are, but nobody will watch them. And the reason nobody will watch them is because the grand majority of Americans were taught a young age just how much they hate Sci-Fi by exposure to the overwhelming, fundamental, irredeemable shittiness which is Star Trek - so bad that it tainted the entire genre.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:59 AM on January 15, 2009 [4 favorites]


Yoda's mom so fat, Geordi had to recalibrate the phase distortion array just so he could reverse the tachyon pulse field around her ass.
posted by hifiparasol at 12:02 PM on January 15, 2009 [13 favorites]


Navelgazer - I think you have it kinda backward.

For most of its existence, sci fi has been sort of an inaccessible genre, the property of "nerds" or "geeks," aka obsessive fans. Star Trek and Star Wars were actually the breakout exceptions. They brought sci fi to the masses in a way that few other franchises have.

In fact, I'd bet dollars to donuts that shows like BSG and Farscape would never have existed, let alone gotten national exposure, had it not been for Star Trek and Star Wars.

.... and really, I just don't get your anger here. It seems like you really HATE Star Trek. Nobody's making you watch it.
posted by Afroblanco at 12:15 PM on January 15, 2009 [3 favorites]


Friends, friends. There's plenty of room for both of you to be wrong.
posted by regicide is good for you at 12:17 PM on January 15, 2009


goddammit
posted by regicide is good for you at 12:18 PM on January 15, 2009


Actually, I made him watch it.

Yeah, sorry 'bout that.
posted by owtytrof at 12:18 PM on January 15, 2009


You make a fair point, Afroblanco, though if you honestly think that nobody has ever "made" me watch Star Trek, you are drastically misjudging my group of friends.
posted by Navelgazer at 12:18 PM on January 15, 2009


Haha, point taken.
posted by Afroblanco at 12:21 PM on January 15, 2009


I am like so loling about this thread. man like loling was invented for this thread.
posted by Michael Roberts at 12:26 PM on January 15, 2009


ftfy
posted by waraw at 1:32 PM on January 15


Goddammit, every time someone writes 'ftfy' I read it as 'fity' and immediately think of Fifty Cent singing "In Da Club" with the orchestra hit sound effect and the dancing and everything. bottle full of bub... GET OUT OF MY BRAIN!
posted by Pastabagel at 12:30 PM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Outing myself as a nerd here, but Luke only understands R2 when he's in his cockpit and can read the little translation doohickey.

Actually, Luke understands R2 just fine on the surface of Dagobah when they first seek out Yoda. For example, when Luke has the feeling "that he's being watched" and draws his blaster on Yoda, he's engaged in a conversation with R2.
posted by shen1138 at 12:36 PM on January 15, 2009


Potomac Avenue: FACT Magic carpets do not exist and neither do Gypsies.

Yeah, um, you know what? Not cool.

posted by Sys Rq at 12:38 PM on January 15, 2009


Yoda's mom so stupid she thought Lando Calrissian was a new brand of butter.

think about it
posted by hifiparasol at 12:42 PM on January 15, 2009 [7 favorites]


The two times I watched BSG I was astonished at how it managed to have NO sense of humor whatsoever. None! How is that even possible?
posted by small_ruminant at 12:49 PM on January 15, 2009


Yoda's mom so stupid she thought thought Boba Fett was a Taiwanese tea beverage.
posted by hifiparasol at 12:51 PM on January 15, 2009 [2 favorites]


The two times I watched BSG I was astonished at how it managed to have NO sense of humor whatsoever. None! How is that even possible?

The new one, yeah. Watch the original series and you will understand that the revival is hilarious, simply because it exists at all.
posted by Sys Rq at 1:04 PM on January 15, 2009


Yoda's mom so fat, she found herself being the target of an hilarious new series of nerd-themed Yo Mama jokes.
posted by cerulgalactus at 1:05 PM on January 15, 2009


Erm...I hate to admit this, but until this very thread, I too thought it was "Hans".
posted by dejah420 at 1:16 PM on January 15, 2009


Yoda Momma so fat she's got two suns.

And that doesn't even make sense.
posted by Navelgazer at 1:17 PM on January 15, 2009


Star Trek has always sucked.

*sets phaser to kill*
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 1:19 PM on January 15, 2009


I think it's fair to say that "LOL" has transcended its original acronym based meaning, and that to describe actual laughter, it's not really a useful tool anymore.

That's why I say GLIJLAMGBFITÆ,FRR (Good Lord, I just let a mighty guffaw burst forth into the Æther, for really reals)
posted by FatherDagon at 1:23 PM on January 15, 2009 [3 favorites]


The two times I watched BSG I was astonished at how it managed to have NO sense of humor whatsoever. None! How is that even possible?

You obviously didn't see the episode in season 4 where Baltar attempts to explain God to a cylon centurion. I laughed out loud.
posted by Afroblanco at 1:23 PM on January 15, 2009 [3 favorites]


You obviously didn't see the episode in season 4 where Baltar attempts to explain God to a cylon centurion. I laughed out loud.

All interactions between Baltar and cylons are funny. In fact, I think that whole thing is entirely there as comic relief.

Now having someone explain BSG after only having watched it sparsely would be pretty funny.
posted by deanc at 1:25 PM on January 15, 2009 [2 favorites]


Yoda's mom so fat she was Cylon models 13 through 17.
posted by hifiparasol at 1:28 PM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Yoda's mom so fat she makes a black hole look skinny.
posted by rand at 1:39 PM on January 15, 2009


Yoda's mom so fat, Jabba the Hut is her dancing slave.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 1:45 PM on January 15, 2009 [5 favorites]


The video, eh. I think it's finally time we as a culture got over Star Wars. Imagine if people directed all that energy towards something worthwhile, like all the things I like.

But this thread is great.
posted by JHarris at 1:50 PM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Hey, go easy on Star Wars. It's not like it's Space:1999 or anything.
Oh wait. It actually is, kind of.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 1:50 PM on January 15, 2009


Obi-Wan instructs us that the force surrounds everything and penetrates everything. Well, Yoda's mom's ass is kind of like the force, because it does surround everything. But it is kind of the opposite of the force, because instead of it penetrating everything . . .

lol Yodaic buttsex
posted by ND¢ at 2:06 PM on January 15, 2009 [2 favorites]


ok last one.

Yoda's mom is so fat, she thinks there is only "do or donut"
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 2:06 PM on January 15, 2009 [11 favorites]


"There is no pie." Cause she ate it!
posted by ND¢ at 2:07 PM on January 15, 2009


lol Yodaic buttsex

Aim for the exhaust port -- right below the main port.

oh no you didn't
posted by hifiparasol at 2:08 PM on January 15, 2009 [11 favorites]


Fat Yoda's Mom jokes, there's -- too many of them.
posted by stinkycheese at 2:16 PM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Negative! It just impacted on the surface...
posted by Mister_A at 2:18 PM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


rand, a black hole is dimensionless. Everything looks fat next to it. I learned that watching Star Trek: Quest for Yoda's Fat-Ass Momma.
posted by Mister_A at 2:19 PM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


I just thought I should point out that if Yoda's blue ghost sees this shit then we are FUCKED!
posted by ND¢ at 2:35 PM on January 15, 2009


We can credit the original Star Trek for the existence of cell phones. And Star Wars for the existence of Star Wars kid. That's the difference.
posted by strangeleftydoublethink at 2:42 PM on January 15, 2009


And Hitchhiker's Guide for the invention of Laptops, the resurgence of respect for towels, and the concept of playing drinking games to lose.

I think we know who the winner is here.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:58 PM on January 15, 2009 [8 favorites]


Yoda's Mom?
posted by waraw at 3:12 PM on January 15, 2009


seriously, though. Heavysaber. fucking brilliant.
posted by shmegegge at 3:15 PM on January 15, 2009


We can credit the original Star Trek for the existence of cell phones.

I credit Star Trek for being a visual-aid sleeping pill when I was younger. It'd probably work now in my adulthood, but I'd rather pay the over-the-counter tax of buying real sleeping pills and watching something that's worth putting on my TV.
posted by revmitcz at 3:20 PM on January 15, 2009


Star Wars isn't really science fiction, IMO. I would call it space fantasy.

Hear, hear. Maybe this is what Lucas was aiming for, but SW is a fantasy story wrapped in the cloak of science fiction. There's no science going on at all, really, and then in the later movies you get these ridiculous explanations about "midichlorions" or something.

Fantasy can be defined as something that just is. Orcs and trolls and elves are part of some (literally) magical world, and to qualify as fantasy, no explanation for this is given (or perhaps some very vague explanation: "a long time ago..."). Science fiction, on the other hand, is all about humans progressing to a certain point. We went from point A to point B and here we are, on the Enterprise, point M. You can extrapolate from our current world to the sci-fi world.

Being a fantasy doesn't make SW necessarily good or bad; to me it just shows which people are wired to enjoy fantasy vs. people wired to enjoy sci-fi. I saw the first SW when I was about 4, and of course was into it, and when Empire rolled around when I was about 8, that was the perfect age to watch that one, easily the best film out of the six. When Jedi came out a few years later, I remember riding in the car with my mom as we passed a theater, and the sign out front listed Jedi. It had already been out for two weeks, but I hadn't seen it yet. My mom said something like "Don't you want to see Jedi? You love Star Wars!" And I realized (at least I do in hindsight) that I was pretty ambivalent about seeing it. And as a kid I wanted to watch everything that wasn't rated R, and quite a few that were.

In high school and college, I discovered sci-fi as a literary genre, and was increasingly annoyed by the whole SW fanboi phenomenon. There are any number of sci-fi authors whose visions unambiguously trounce the silly simplicity of SW, and I'll bet a large number of those fanbois have never cracked a novel (other than SW) in their lives.

I agree that Star Trek is more interesting, at least in the terms of its science, though I was often bored with a certain blandness that is mostly, I think, a result of a tight budget that a TV show has. I'm looking forward to the Star Trek movie, because it'll be the first real sci-fi movie we've had in a long time (no, Transformers does not qualify...see my definition of fantasy above), and J.J. Abrams is a good director (am I the only person around with love for MI:III?)
posted by zardoz at 4:18 PM on January 15, 2009 [2 favorites]


Being a fantasy doesn't make SW necessarily good or bad; to me it just shows which people are wired to enjoy fantasy vs. people wired to enjoy sci-fi.

What if you enjoy both? Crossed wires?

All this "my favorite space odyssey is better than your favorite space odyssey because it contains Science! (tm)" stuff is so cheesy. I mean, man, I'm a big Trek fan. But I also have a hearty appreciation for Star Wars. And the Chronicles of Narnia. And Star Trek isn't exactly the hardest of sci-fi. And you know what? That's okay, if it hits you in the balls (or ovaries) right.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:42 PM on January 15, 2009


(Though I think we can all agree that robots are clearly significantly cooler than talking horses)
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:48 PM on January 15, 2009


Yoda's mom so fat, her midichlorians have midichlorians.

Yo dawg we heard you like lightsaber battles so we put midichlorians in your midichlorians so you can Jedi while you Jedi.
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:00 PM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Q: Why did the Jedi who enjoyed swimming get a pool installed when he lived right by the beach?

A: The pool was midichlorinated.
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:02 PM on January 15, 2009


Q: How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?

A: He felt his presents.
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:03 PM on January 15, 2009 [6 favorites]


Japanese Lyrics, Star Wars Theme
posted by vronsky at 5:13 PM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Q: Why were the mounted stormtroopers in a hurry to get their giant lizards back to the stable?

A: Because they were dewback at 5 PM!
posted by hifiparasol at 5:17 PM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


rand, a black hole is dimensionless. Everything looks fat next to it. I learned that watching Star Trek: Quest for Yoda's Fat-Ass Momma.

You did not just correct my Yoda's Momma with Star Trek jib jabber.
posted by rand at 5:19 PM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Q: Where do the Sith lords do all their shopping?

A: At Darth Mall.
posted by hifiparasol at 5:21 PM on January 15, 2009


Q: How do Wookies taste?

A: Chewy.
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:22 PM on January 15, 2009 [4 favorites]


Luke Skywalker needed to use the bathroom in Cloud City. Lando says to him: "Go down the corridor, and take the end door."

Luke says: "Endor? I don't want to go to Endor."
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:24 PM on January 15, 2009


Yoda's mom's so stupid, she thinks Chewie is her lawncare guy.
posted by ColdChef at 5:31 PM on January 15, 2009


Yoda's mom is so heavy, when she goes rolling she does it in a fAT-fAT Walker.
posted by ColdChef at 5:33 PM on January 15, 2009 [4 favorites]


Yoda's mom is so ghetto, I heard her saying the other day, "See-three-pee-o-no-you-diiiinnnn!"
posted by ColdChef at 5:35 PM on January 15, 2009 [2 favorites]


As a footnote to Zardoz: if you want to see how much of a fantasy Star Wars is, all you have to do is watch Eragon. (Actually, don't, not without the Rifftrax synced up.) It tracks the story almost beat for beat. Only the props differ much.

I love this short because I hate Star Wars, in a way you can only hate something you loved once.
posted by Countess Elena at 6:14 PM on January 15, 2009 [2 favorites]


See, I always thought that the part where Luke and Han kiss each other was part of my secret sweaty dream, not the actual films.
posted by koeselitz at 6:24 PM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Yoda's momma is so fat, even Wedge Antilles could bullseye her in a T-16.
posted by steef at 6:30 PM on January 15, 2009 [2 favorites]


the resurgence of respect for towels

If nerds truly respected towels, conventions wouldn't be quite the wretched hives of smell and crustiness they are.
posted by graventy at 8:14 PM on January 15, 2009 [2 favorites]


"That's no moon, that's Yoda's mama's fat ass" - the real reason Obi Wan died

Seriously though that video made my wizened heart pump once, weakly, the only warmth it has felt it 15 years. I have discovered.... love?
posted by OrangeDrink at 9:53 PM on January 15, 2009


This thread is a keeper.
posted by painquale at 10:40 PM on January 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Sorry to interject at this point, but she was trying to have sex with you. Just trying to help for future gold mine opportunities...
posted by queensissy at 12:47 AM on January 16, 2009


Actually, Luke understands R2 just fine on the surface of Dagobah when they first seek out Yoda. For example, when Luke has the feeling "that he's being watched" and draws his blaster on Yoda, he's engaged in a conversation with R2.

Actually, in that scene, Luke has a Bloopish translatory thing in the pile of boxes he's sitting beside. There's numerous other scenes, especially in the first movie, where C3PO has to translate, to Luke, for R2.

/nerddrive powering down
posted by Happy Dave at 1:43 AM on January 16, 2009


shes right about chewie and the ewoks though, sort of, cos i heard that the endor was supposed to be chewies home planet & the ewoks were supposed to be wookies but then George decided 'we need more sweetness and merchandising opportunities' and that was the exact point when star wars began the long, slimy, slithering descent into the hell of the Phantom Menace et al.

&

Yoda's mum's so fat twin suns orbit her
posted by criticalbill at 5:16 AM on January 16, 2009


Give me Star Trek, a science fiction show containing science.

"We might be able to get there if we reconfigure the solar matrix in parallel for endothermic propulsion. Whaddya think?"

". . .we'll do that!"
posted by EarBucket at 6:38 AM on January 16, 2009


Yoda's mom is so fat, she has adult-onset diabetes.
posted by shadytrees at 6:43 AM on January 16, 2009


Q: How many of Yoda's mom does it take to screw in a lightbulb?






A: 4, cuz she so damn fat! Get it?
posted by Mister_A at 6:57 AM on January 16, 2009


...exhaust port right below the main port.

How did I miss that? How? All these years! Gaaaahhhhh!
posted by aramaic at 7:15 AM on January 16, 2009 [2 favorites]


Yoda's mom is so fat that the rebels have to stabilize her rear deflectors.
posted by yeti at 7:34 AM on January 16, 2009 [2 favorites]


Actually, in that scene, Luke has a Bloopish translatory thing in the pile of boxes he's sitting beside. There's numerous other scenes, especially in the first movie, where C3PO has to translate, to Luke, for R2.

/nerddrive powering down


Interesting. I acknowledge that C3PO does a lot of translation in ANH, but I'm skeptical that Luke is always just carrying around the translator in the latter films. I figured he had picked up R2 speak in the time between the movies. Clearly, this will require another viewing of TESB. Sweet.
posted by shen1138 at 8:36 AM on January 16, 2009


Actually, in that scene, Luke has a Bloopish translatory thing in the pile of boxes he's sitting beside.

Further evidence: earlier in that scene (or an earlier one on Degobah) Luke responds to some R2 blooping with "if you're saying that coming here was a bad idea..."

And, to all the LOL haters: The video made me LOLFR, yo.
posted by crickets at 8:58 AM on January 16, 2009


in that scene, Luke has a Bloopish translatory thing in the pile of boxes he's sitting beside

See, I always thought that scene where Luke is talking to R2 is kinda like me doing whatever at home, alone, and I'm talking to the dog. You just do it because something else is there with you, not because it is a deep and meaningful conversation.

Not saying that R2 is like a dog, mind you. R2 is actually smarter than most of the humans in Star Wars.
posted by never used baby shoes at 11:26 AM on January 16, 2009


Twitter's gotten trapped in Yoda's mom's gravitational field.
posted by Pronoiac at 6:12 PM on January 16, 2009


"Don’t let some 3-year old girl or someone who hasn’t seen it tell you how Star Wars goes; leave that job to Nick Winters"
posted by vronsky at 9:55 PM on January 16, 2009


I assumed the same thing as baby shoes; when you need to dog to preform a task, you tell him and he does it. When he is scared or upset, he reacts in a recognizable way. So, in the absence of speaking companionship, you talk to the dog. I thought that was the whole point of Luke chatting with R2.

Actually, I always wondered if that was supposed to be the point with Chewy and Han. Does Han speak wookie, or do they just make noises at one another? I always sort of assumed the later.
posted by paisley henosis at 6:53 AM on January 17, 2009


I think this might be my favorite Star Wars recap on YouTube.
posted by EarBucket at 7:08 AM on January 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


The girl is super cute. She doesn't know anything about Star Wars.

I'm not saying these are related, but hmmm.
posted by rokusan at 10:48 AM on January 18, 2009


I'm impressed - she knew all these details, even if they weren't always in the right order. I had spent many years being surrounded by Star Wars references but not having seen the films, and there is no way I could have been this accurate. I don't think I even knew what a Death Star was, let alone that it was blown up. I think I knew Darth Vader was a bad guy. I didn't know Luke lived on a farm.
posted by jb at 9:11 PM on January 18, 2009


late ball: r2 and chewy aren't like dogs; they are actually make funny noises at all the clueless animals around them.

dissertation level proof: "A New Sith, or Revenge of the Hope: Reconsidering Star Wars IV in the light of I-III"
posted by artof.mulata at 11:13 PM on January 19, 2009


"We're gonna have company!"
posted by steef at 5:15 AM on January 20, 2009


Does Han speak wookie, or do they just make noises at one another? I always sort of assumed the later.

It seems to be Han, and Han alone (or solo, if you will), who can Dr. Doolittle the whole Star Wars galaxy. He has no trouble communicating with Wookiees, Huts, and so on, without either party uttering one word of the other's language.

It's like he's communicating via telepathy and the sounds are irrelevant.

What I really want to know about Star Wars is how R2-D2 and C3PO, two droids supposedly built by Darth fucking Vader himself, ever get into that whole "You're my only hope" mess in the first place.
posted by Sys Rq at 10:03 AM on January 20, 2009


Given the Star Trek science thread derail, I'm astounded that someone hasn't done this.
posted by Night_owl at 10:46 AM on February 3, 2009


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