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When I get to the custom weapons creation section, I will keep turning those pages.
March 12, 2009 7:22 PM   Subscribe

“I can't make anyone Jewish with a called shot.” “I cannot start the game pregnant.” “My medical supply bag will contain more than just a bone-saw and a bottle of whiskey.” “My halfling cannot take the flaw, 'Obsession: Ring of Invisibility.'” “Even if he was a paragon of humanity in his alternate dimension, Good Hitler is not an appropriate superhero concept.” “No more Crazy Ivans while I'm driving the AT-AT.” “I do not have to check before each adventure that my fellow adventurers are not doppelgangers, Cylons or pod people.” “'Everybody Wang Chung tonight' is not an acceptable use of the Mass Suggestion spell.” 1250 things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG. (SLLJ)
posted by Navelgazer (73 comments total) 31 users marked this as a favorite

 
So this is like the gamer's version of Skippy's List that has been floating around as long if not longer?
posted by Science! at 7:34 PM on March 12, 2009 [6 favorites]


I went to add this to my del.icio.us bookmarks only to realize it was already there.

I can't tell if I just passed or failed the geek test.
posted by griphus at 7:35 PM on March 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


If you laugh at any of these you're a nerd.

I laughed at too many of them.
posted by loquacious at 7:38 PM on March 12, 2009


I don't get it. For starters, who is Mr. Welch?
posted by zardoz at 7:38 PM on March 12, 2009


If only there were some way for me to read this without going to LiveJournal.
posted by turgid dahlia at 7:40 PM on March 12, 2009


1250 reasons rpgs blow chunks.

RPGs are fine. This guy is terrible. I get that it's supposed to be a joke. And that he's (mostly) in on said joke. And yet he manages to embody all of the things that can make RPGs unfun.

Actually, what this guy demonstrates all too well is that RPGs are only as fun as the people that you're playing with. Moreso than any other type of game I can think of. And it's a shame that so many people judge something that can be so fun and rewarding because they tried it once or twice when they were in high school and it sucked. Finding good role-players that share the same balance of fun/seriousness that you do takes time. Unfortunately, the genre attracts a lot of people that use its freedom to do ridiculous things to make things un-fun for everyone else involved. And they, to a person, think that their stupid childish pranks are both original and funny.

Putting away my soapbox now.
posted by macmac at 7:42 PM on March 12, 2009 [11 favorites]


I think I like that this doesn't make any sense to me.
posted by lullaby at 7:45 PM on March 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


“I can't make anyone Jewish with a called shot.”

I believe there was a film adaptation of The Three Musketeers that included the line (saucy lady to the Catholic priest who's robes she had her hand in): "With a flick of my wrist, I could change your religion." (Checks.) Oh my god, I can't believe I remembered that correctly.
posted by grobstein at 7:45 PM on March 12, 2009 [5 favorites]


This is pretty good; I hadn't seen Skippy's List, either, which is also pretty good. Thanks for this!
posted by limeonaire at 7:48 PM on March 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


I got through three. Wow, that sucks. It sucks so much that I've written too much about it. I should just typed "SUX" and hit post, because it's all the description that deserves.
posted by Mayor Curley at 7:49 PM on March 12, 2009 [2 favorites]


I know a bunch of people who are getting demiliches in their bags of holding for Christmas this year.
posted by JaredSeth at 7:52 PM on March 12, 2009 [2 favorites]


I put in to the google entry thingy "I can't make anyone Jewish with a called shot" and got 2 results. The 2cd was this here post; the first was geek girls online.

not that there's anything wrong with geek girls who happen to be online
posted by sluglicker at 7:58 PM on March 12, 2009


AT-ATs don't navigate by sonar, silly.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:00 PM on March 12, 2009


I thought it was funny, but maybe could have done with some pruning.
posted by empath at 8:01 PM on March 12, 2009 [2 favorites]


That's what my girlfriend said about my...uh...never mind.
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:04 PM on March 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


Mr. Welch is my friend's dad. The only gaming he knows is hockey.
posted by not_on_display at 8:04 PM on March 12, 2009


Humorless. Guh, when need humor meets cultural references, too often what you get is just a big, embarassing CLUNK. I mean, why can't a Samurai have a mullet? Because that would be too, too infectiously silly? Then your game sucks. Oh, he can, you were just joshing? Well, adding "mullet" actually doesnt mske something funny. That's a swirly, pizzaface.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 8:09 PM on March 12, 2009 [3 favorites]


testing. Need. Need. Oh, Apple. You've forgotten where you came from... Not knowing the word "nerd?!" Woz doesn't work there anymore, I see! Hmm. Need. Need, eh? Perhaps you're just much wiser than I thought.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 8:14 PM on March 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


so, canyone enlighten us non-geeky-nerds (or non-nerdy-geeks) as to who is mr. welch?
posted by askmehow at 8:32 PM on March 12, 2009


I believe he is simply the guy who wrote the list, who is clearly an avid RPG-er. (Pro-tip: the list gets significantly funnier around the 200's or so.)
posted by Navelgazer at 8:35 PM on March 12, 2009


There is no Summon Bimbo spell.

I think this was written before 4th Edition.
posted by Joe Beese at 8:35 PM on March 12, 2009 [2 favorites]


I laughed alot while reading this; remembering all the things I was admonished for and alternatively punished for by GMs who thought that silliness had no place in a game.
posted by NiteMayr at 8:43 PM on March 12, 2009


Our high school D&D group disbanded after somebody's half orc assassin raped and murdered a player character paladin.
posted by Xoebe at 8:56 PM on March 12, 2009 [2 favorites]


I laughed, especially as I read quickly and they piled up on each other.
posted by Bookhouse at 9:01 PM on March 12, 2009


What the hell? I'm completely confused by this. I guess it's a collection of nonsequiturs that has something to do with Dungeons and Dragons? Who is Mr. Welch and why can't he do these things? Is this something I'd have to have seborrheic dermatitis, fluency in Klingon, and a record collection consisting entirely of Weird Al and They Might Be Giants to understand?
posted by DecemberBoy at 9:03 PM on March 12, 2009 [3 favorites]


As said, the list needs some pruning, but RPG nerds (like myself) should get a laugh or two. As a DM, I've had players pull a lot of these sorts of things. Part of the humor for me is how familiar some of the items are (and how great they were when they happened in-game).
posted by HonorShadow at 9:19 PM on March 12, 2009


This list reminds reminds me of the difference between mindless silliness and true wit. I couldnt imagine playing any game with this guy. I really hate this kind of "arent I cute" crap. To each his own, of course.
posted by damn dirty ape at 9:36 PM on March 12, 2009


During two separate (Orig-in-al, thenk yew, says DM) D&D Campaigns, I had -

1) Fighter class character, good, with 18 str, 18 dex, 16 con, 12 char, 6 int, 6 wiz. He was a shipwrecked celebrity chef, and wielded a cast-iron skillet (Mmmace, thenk yew, says DM) that was +3 'cuz of str and dex and no armor, and an armor bonus because of dex and con. I managed to kill my entire party (except for me, con bonus!) by cooking something I had killed in a dungeon crawl, and used my "cooking" skill to make it delicious. The DM then had a demigod kill me out of spite.

2) An evil dwarf thief modeled loosely on "Dr. Smith" from Lost In Space. I managed to uncover the over-arching plot, but decided to use this knowledge to steal jewelry from the well-heeled citizens of the city we were campaigning in, and then set up the other members of my group to take the fall for me! The other members of the party literally golf-clapped as I was executed in the town square, shouting, "William! Oh, William! (The name of our cleric leader) The pain, the pain! Oh, I feel faint! William! You will explain to them I'm not as wrrretched as I seem, won't you? Good boy! Come, now, won't you... urrrk!"

3) (Bonus extra!) Was part of a campaign where the Hot Gamer Chick decided to use diplomacy in the face of Chauvinist Pig GM... The entire party fought through a dungeon of evil horror, only to find a Red Dragon sitting on a mountain of gold at the end of it. A very, very large Red Dragon.

HGC: Oh, a Dragon! (Checks char sheet) I speak dragon! Let me go first! (In Dragon:) Oh, mighty Dragon, hear my plea...

CPGM: Slllurp, crunch-crunch-crunch! Hand in your character sheet, thenk yew.
posted by Slap*Happy at 9:40 PM on March 12, 2009 [12 favorites]


My favourite thing about this thread is how Ambrosia has been drinking a lot.
posted by turgid dahlia at 9:43 PM on March 12, 2009 [3 favorites]


...somebody's half orc assassin raped and murdered a player character paladin.

Musta had a string of kickass rolls. That, or the much-maligned "Physical Assault" modifier.
posted by turgid dahlia at 9:45 PM on March 12, 2009


Uh, wow. I know who this is, sorta.
I'll point him to this thread.
posted by Richard Daly at 9:48 PM on March 12, 2009


Gnomish Pygmy War Rhinos kick ass!

If you don't find any of this funny, I don't think I'd want to play any game with you...

You probably make up names like Gardakan and Mordak...
posted by Chuffy at 9:52 PM on March 12, 2009


This sure could have used an intro paragraph or two, but from context he seems to be a sort of game-playing version of Karl Pilkington. Is that about right?
posted by rokusan at 9:52 PM on March 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


As said, the list needs some pruning, but RPG nerds (like myself) should get a laugh or two. As a DM, I've had players pull a lot of these sorts of things. Part of the humor for me is how familiar some of the items are (and how great they were when they happened in-game).

1 or 2 laughs out of 1250 is not exactly a very high humor density.
posted by delmoi at 9:59 PM on March 12, 2009


1251: No arguing whether Cthulhu could beat The Computer in a game of Chez Geek.
posted by waraw at 9:59 PM on March 12, 2009


The person who wrote this sounds like he needs to play more Hackmaster and Encounter Critical and less with humorless, linear types.
posted by jtron at 9:59 PM on March 12, 2009


I would've thought a discussion about the floating point between suspension of disbelief and hard, geometric logic would've spun out of this by now here. I never played RPGs, but it seems that to do it right, one wants a context that is overall a fantasy or unreal projection, but within that world things need to follow some semblance of basic physics, logic, etc in order to be pulled along in the larger vision. It really comes to a question of wanking within wanking.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:04 PM on March 12, 2009


I actually played my first real game of D&D yesterday, and our DM directed us to this list while we were waiting around for everyone to get their character sheets in order. Strictly speaking, there is much on this list which would be not only permitted, but applauded in the game we seem to be playing.

Our party consists of two women, playing a Sorcerer and a Wizard, who were pretty serious about getting their roles down, and three men (A Cleric, a Monk, and me as the Rogue) who all were more "creative" with how we wanted to handle things. Everyone but the Lawful Nuetral Monk is either Chaotic Good or Chaotic Neutral, including my girlfriend, the Ranger, who will be joining us in a few games once she's back in town.

The DM also has a somewhat dark and wicked sense of humor. He explained to me before we started exactly what circumstances my "surprise attack" special good be used in, and more than that, the things I could do which would not negate that effect. As such, we now know that I can scream out a battle cry of "SNEAK ATTACK!!" before attacking and still manage to catch an enemy flat-footed. As you may have guessed, I do this every time.

There was also the moment when my Rogue and the Monk were swimming in a reservoir trying to find a pebble-sized explosive device in the dam, while the rest of the party was ambushed atop the dam. When our cleric was faced in the middle of some magic mist with a heavily-armored enemy, he instead said that he just wanted to push the guy over the edge and trust that his armor would make him drown. The DM happily explained what rolls would be necessary to make this happen (this is quickly becoming a theme with that DM) and so instead of engaging in real combat, the enemy lost his balance roll and dropped like a rock between the Monk and myself as we were gasping for air.

Once we had collected all of the explosive devices threatening Red Fern, the question came up of what to do with them before they went off. The Monk, Wizard and Sorcerer wanted to send the familiars to drop them out at sea, and won out over the Cleric and me, who were arguing that we should safely detonate them inside the marble courthouse, which was bound to contain them. C'est la vie.

In the final battle, I managed to SNEAK ATTACK!! an unengaged enemy, who would've been left with one HP afterwards, had he not fumbled his balance roll. The DM determined that he fell backwards onto a satchel of acids he'd been carrying, and spent his last few moments being disintegrated by his own shattered stash. He was then happy with me using the signet ring and sealing wax I'd purchesed at the outset to brand his forehead as my own exclusive kill.

So yeah, games are different. Personally, I think this guy would be a blast to play with, if only because he's so creative with exploiting the systems.
posted by Navelgazer at 10:05 PM on March 12, 2009 [7 favorites]


I would've thought a discussion about the floating point between suspension of disbelief and hard, geometric logic would've spun out of this by now...

Suspension of disbelief is a function of sociology, accepting an obvious untruth because it seems natural and right, and therefore, amusing. This is why Monty Python and The State sketches are so entertaining - they take everyday truths, lie about them completely in an obvious way, and expect the audience to understand the lie, and therefore... therefore...

Good christ, man, you found nothing funny about "53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton" .... ?
posted by Slap*Happy at 10:20 PM on March 12, 2009 [2 favorites]


"Mr. Welch" is Glen Welch, the LJ poster.
posted by Pseudoephedrine at 10:41 PM on March 12, 2009


I'm only at about 100 so far, but this guy sounds like it's all very tongue-in-cheek. And as was pointed out above, sometimes weird and very funny shit comes up in a gaming session and seems kinda dumb later--unless you were there.

I mean yeah, I could see how this stuff could get grating, but in a fun group? Everyone's pulling stuff like this at least once per game, just for shits and giggles. Occasionally for revenge against a bad GM.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:52 PM on March 12, 2009 [2 favorites]


It's a gazebo!
posted by malusmoriendumest at 11:04 PM on March 12, 2009 [2 favorites]


This reminds me, every time I read it, of a tradition one of my RP groups had called a Loki Roll. If you found yourself in a dire situation, you were allowed, once per game, to throw ANYTHING onto the table, in an attempt to startle, amuse, or bribe the GM into acting in your favor. This could get very interesting, especially when one girl hefted her boyfriend (one of our other players) onto the table and said "You can have him for a weekend if you save my character." The GM laughed so hard he nearly pissed himself. The boyfriend was not amused.
posted by strixus at 11:07 PM on March 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


"16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory."

Worth it for that one right there.
posted by Cyrano at 12:01 AM on March 13, 2009 [4 favorites]


Is this something I'd have to pretend not to understand to make a played-out joke about?
posted by hamida2242 at 12:04 AM on March 13, 2009


I haven't laughed for so long in ages. I've only played two or three of the games referenced in this (and knew about a few others), so quite a few were lost on me, but the ones I did understand in rapid succession like that had me inhaling my pancreas. Thank you for posting this.
posted by vestan at 12:10 AM on March 13, 2009


I've even played RPGs (the real ones, with pencil and paper and dice) for a long time, and at first glance I went, "What the hell is the former CEO of GE doing starting anything pregnant?!"
posted by armage at 2:38 AM on March 13, 2009


You know, for a few months now I've had the urge to get back into RPGs after twenty-some years away. The urge just passed.
posted by jbickers at 3:15 AM on March 13, 2009


I love RPGs. I enjoy reading forums devoted to particular games, like Dragonsfoot for old D&D, or the Dumpshock forums for Shadowrun, and I enjoy talking about games and gaming, so why is that things like this, and the online gamer culture, like rpg.net and therpgsite.com just invariably annoy me or piss me off for being by turns inane, pompous, or sycophantic? Not to dump on your post or anything, Navelgazer, but am I alone in this?
posted by Snyder at 3:19 AM on March 13, 2009


And this is not to say that the list itself is terrible, I don't think it's great, but not particularly annoying. I've just seen it spread all over the online gaming "scene" seemingly sometimes only because it has to do with gaming, and with people quoting it from here to eternity until any humor it had has been smashed and ground into the dirt.
posted by Snyder at 4:09 AM on March 13, 2009


Wait a minute. Good Hitler superhero from an alternate dimension is an awesome concept.
posted by DU at 4:35 AM on March 13, 2009 [1 favorite]


Fun fact: If an elf has sex with a black human (something rarer than an elf in D&D), the resulting half-elven offspring will be mistaken for drow just about everywhere they go. I'm not racist. The game is racist! I mean, seriously... dark-skinned elves are automatically evil?

Also, there was the time I hit my friend (who was trying to kill me) with a train. Fun things can happen when you open a dimension door inside a bag of holding.
posted by Eideteker at 5:25 AM on March 13, 2009 [1 favorite]


Snyder, you are not alone. I am a full-fledged game geek who can't stand the vast majority of other game geeks. I long ago accepted that this made me a flaming hypocrite and I no longer care, mostly because I am capable of finding people who are actually fun to game with, when I put forth the effort to find them.
posted by waraw at 5:54 AM on March 13, 2009 [1 favorite]


From Skippy's list:

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we’ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

Seems awfully harsh. That hardly leaves anything at all.
posted by rusty at 6:00 AM on March 13, 2009


Stories about your PCs are as interesting to outsiders as stories about your grandkids.

I say this as a GM of 20+ years.
posted by absalom at 6:30 AM on March 13, 2009 [3 favorites]


Can we talk about how much 4e D&D blows donkey cock now? I finished reading the PHB last night and I am trading it in today. It is not just Not Good, but Very Bad.
posted by waraw at 6:49 AM on March 13, 2009 [3 favorites]


I love RPGs. I enjoy reading forums devoted to particular games, like Dragonsfoot for old D&D, or the Dumpshock forums for Shadowrun, and I enjoy talking about games and gaming, so why is that things like this, and the online gamer culture, like rpg.net and therpgsite.com just invariably annoy me or piss me off for being by turns inane, pompous, or sycophantic? Not to dump on your post or anything, Navelgazer, but am I alone in this?

No, you're not alone. Forums devoted to specific games tend to have a higher percentage of people who enjoy playing them.
posted by mobunited at 7:21 AM on March 13, 2009 [1 favorite]


I am enjoying this immensely. Thank you.
posted by Fleebnork at 7:37 AM on March 13, 2009


These seem like funny statements, but could someone please explain some form of CONTEXT? I don't even own, let alone use, a 12 sided die, but I think "How to Serve Dragons is not a cookbook" is a pretty hilarious statement.

On second thought, maybe this is funnier if I DON'T understand the context.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:45 AM on March 13, 2009


PS: Skippy's list is amazing. It makes me want to go out and taunt the French.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:47 AM on March 13, 2009


"79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese."

I laughed so hard that I cried. That is all.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:52 AM on March 13, 2009 [1 favorite]


I am a full-fledged game geek who can't stand the vast majority of other game geeks.

Tell me about it. I game once or twice a week, but that's because I've had the good luck of having a decent chunk of friends who aren't nearly as grating as most of the folks I've run into who are also gamers. There seems to be a split as far as gamers go - they're either relatively well-maladjusted types with a decent amount of wit, or they're non-socialized folks with a sense of humour that never graduated beyond being 13 and obsessed with Flying Circus, and use game as their one public hub that isn't going to Rocky Horror midnight showings.

That being said, "I cannot whine about the crappy selection of magical bec de corbins" made me chuckle pretty damn hard. And I have started a game pregnant.
posted by FatherDagon at 10:17 AM on March 13, 2009 [2 favorites]


I unapologetically loved this list, and several of the entries made me bust a gut.

#1085: "Everybody Wang Chung Tonight" is not an acceptable use of the Mass Suggestion spell.

I love RPGs, and I agree that stupid pranks and childishness can ruin a game for everyone. That doesn't prevent me from finding this list funny. :)
posted by DWRoelands at 10:27 AM on March 13, 2009


He ripped the king nor queen of cheese line directly from the previously mentioned Skippy's List.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 10:29 AM on March 13, 2009


solipsophistocracy: I was quoting Skippy's List, I guess I didn't make that clear.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 10:50 AM on March 13, 2009


Whoops, I totally missed that. Sorry.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 11:05 AM on March 13, 2009


I don't mind gamers or gaming culture, but I don't like the "fandom" element of the hobby, where people talk about their favourite TV show or other creative property and how they could combine the two interests ("What System Should I Use for ThisRandomAnimeILike?" is a recurring question on rpg.net, for example; mainly asked by people who have no desire to ever actually play such a game).
posted by Pseudoephedrine at 11:21 AM on March 13, 2009 [1 favorite]


These sound like excellent ways to liven up a game of Paranoia
posted by The Whelk at 11:29 AM on March 13, 2009


Mazeltov, Human Wizard.
posted by The Whelk at 11:44 AM on March 13, 2009


Reminds me of the late Critical Miss.
posted by Methylviolet at 12:32 PM on March 13, 2009


I like RPGs, but even better, I love "beer & pretzels" games. The second people take their make-believe storytime too seriously I'm out. I'd love to play with Mr. Welch, and suspect that I've been Mr. Welch a campaign or two.

This list made me laugh heartily. Maybe I'll steal some of these ideas for a campaign I'm running.
posted by lekvar at 12:50 PM on March 13, 2009


Thanks chuffy, for explaining what is funny about this to a non gamer.
posted by fistynuts at 2:01 PM on March 13, 2009


I thought this was utterly hilarious.

I went through them all, often with tears running down my face, reading several choice lines out loud to my family. I would LOVE to play with this guy--he sounds like a lot of fun to me.

Thanks for the post.
posted by misha at 6:02 PM on March 13, 2009


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