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March 19, 2009 1:59 PM   Subscribe

It's scary out there. It can make you just want to hide.
posted by Joe Beese (75 comments total) 19 users marked this as a favorite

 
Whoa. How do I know this isn`t a party of gnomes staking a front in a complicated D&D campaign?

The sketch rocks, by the way, simple as it is
posted by salishsea at 2:04 PM on March 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


EXTREAM SPELLING ..... at its very best.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 2:07 PM on March 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


That second link is radioactive-glowing batshitinsanity. Brilliant.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:07 PM on March 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


Missing the timecube tag.
posted by Caduceus at 2:12 PM on March 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


There are some great and powerful photos at the first [excellent] link. The second is for those who wish they lived on the set of Total Recall (or maybe Judge Dredd).
posted by Songdog at 2:12 PM on March 19, 2009


Also, dig that copy:
Some., but not all of you might be truly surprised to know that an ancient city was already a reality a very long ago. See below............
posted by Songdog at 2:12 PM on March 19, 2009


That second link is radioactive-glowing batshitinsanity. Brilliant.

So much so that the entire webpage strikes me as high-concept satire. I can't believe that someone who created the pictures of the "planned community" could have such atrocious spelling.
posted by UrineSoakedRube at 2:13 PM on March 19, 2009


First link reaction: "Well, of course it's bad, numbnuts, it's a recession. Besides, the shit shown in these photos happens every day."

Second link reaction: "A hundred pounds of Internet awesome. I want to use these images in my next video game design pitch."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:14 PM on March 19, 2009


Uh...second link ain't workin'.
posted by zardoz at 2:16 PM on March 19, 2009


What an odd collection of images in the first link. There was no cohesion beyond the fact that you could possibly attach "economic downturn" to each as one descriptor of many. Without any sort of context, the photos are interesting, but almost meaningless.

Apparently Sarah Angelina DeLagostti is a woman of many talents. Not only will she design your off-grid mountain base, she'll also help you retrofit your existing vehicle to be electric-only! And she has worked with someone else:
"We are more then proud to be able to say that we have done the impossible. The making of electricity from electricity. If you would like to invest into this new exciting money making industry. Please e-mail me and ask me for my executive summary on it."
Sadly, punctuation and web design are not one included amongst her skills.
posted by filthy light thief at 2:17 PM on March 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


I'd like to have a drink or ten with Sarah D., I bet she's a right cut-up.
posted by From Bklyn at 2:18 PM on March 19, 2009


In regard to the second link: Anyone else feel like they're living in a prequel to Land Of The Dead?
posted by SinisterPurpose at 2:18 PM on March 19, 2009


zardoz: "Uh...second link ain't workin'."

Google cache
posted by Joe Beese at 2:19 PM on March 19, 2009


IMPORTANT FACT Please take notice of this extremely important fact., that: Never before now has there been anything like this made available for you., the public till now by us.

Duly noted.
posted by Floydd at 2:24 PM on March 19, 2009 [3 favorites]


Everything that we do is. Architecturally Designed & Custom Engineered with onsite High-End Custom Building Techniques for your entire families many personalized long term needs.

SORRY MR. CRAZY-INTERNET-MAN, BUT IF YOU WANT A PIECE OF MY UNDERGROUND-MOUNTAINTOP-ANTI-NUCLEAR-BOMB-SHELTER DOLLAR YOU WILL HAVE TO (at a minimum) HIRE A COPYEDITOR.
posted by PlusDistance at 2:25 PM on March 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


In regard to the second link...will this be a downloadable level for Fallout 3?

In regard to the first, bless those people. And...IlovemyjobIlovemyjobIlovemyjob...
posted by oneironaut at 2:28 PM on March 19, 2009


What an odd collection of images in the first link. There was no cohesion beyond the fact that you could possibly attach "economic downturn" to each as one descriptor of many.

That's how the Big Picture is set up more often than not. They tend to be either incredibly focused on a specific subject or event (like India's Festival of Colors), or very incredibly spread about on a subject or event (like Robots).

More of the boston.com's Big Picture section here. It's my single favorite part of the Globe's online news site.
posted by rollbiz at 2:28 PM on March 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


Internet crazies lose some of their pizazz when hiring copy editors. It hampers the flow of magical juju from their enhanced craniums onto the interwebbery, which would mean we wouldn't pay attention. So I hereby take back my comments about Sarah's writing and website crafting. Please tell us more of your mountaintop freedomville.
posted by filthy light thief at 2:30 PM on March 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


rollbiz, thanks for the clarification. I'll keep my annoyance to myself (and remember to use preview more often)
posted by filthy light thief at 2:32 PM on March 19, 2009


The joke is that it's Galt's gulch, right?

I love how depressing and shadowy all the concept art is. Also, does my $5M pay for rides on that Harrier?
posted by grobstein at 2:35 PM on March 19, 2009


FACT: you are also protected from flooding. However we do not recommend one of these special homes in a flood zone.

FACT: The lulz are strong with this one.
posted by dersins at 2:37 PM on March 19, 2009


Craigslist: $67500 21/Acres Montana Land Borders National Forest Great Survival Retreat
"21.17 acres of Montana Land for $67,500

This 21.171 acres borders National Forst and has the water tank and coral on site. This is country with elk, deer, grizzlies, wolves, bighorn sheep, mountain goats, antelope and moose, all out your back door.

Perfect location for Renewable Wind Generated Energy for Off Grid Living or Survival Retreat.

More survival articels, tips and advice:
Risk of Nuclear Attack on Rise

From reading the Washington Post article Risk of Nuclear Attack on the Rise it's clear that the threat of a nuclear attack from terrorist on US soil is imminent. A hearing, called by the Committee on Homeland Security and Government Affairs,featured charts showing the horrific effects of a small nuclear device detonating near the......
Read more here "

posted by 445supermag at 2:38 PM on March 19, 2009


grobstein: "The joke is that it's Galt's gulch, right? "

I can't see Galt saying "Stay strong and safe by supporting our government as well as all the countries that are now fighting with us against international terrorism."
posted by Joe Beese at 2:39 PM on March 19, 2009


At least three of the images in the second link are concept art by Craig Mullins created for a James Bond game.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 2:39 PM on March 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


I'd like to have a drink or ten with Sarah D., I bet she's a right cut-up.

We should invite her to the next NY meetup, on the premise that it's a gathering of billionaires interested in her construction projects.
posted by grobstein at 2:39 PM on March 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


monju_bosatsu: "At least three of the images in the second link are concept art by Craig Mullins created for a James Bond game."

That explains the bikini-clad woman in the swimming pool, I guess.
posted by Joe Beese at 2:40 PM on March 19, 2009


I'll keep my annoyance to myself (and remember to use preview more often)

No problem, I just figured an explanation from someone who follows the Big Picture might be helpful.

I often express my unwarranted annoyances and I never preview. :)
posted by rollbiz at 2:41 PM on March 19, 2009


Fact is!

(I immediately love any post which includes those words at some point.)
posted by Navelgazer at 3:11 PM on March 19, 2009


Please don't wait till its to late !

[Giant Mushroom Cloud]
posted by niles at 3:13 PM on March 19, 2009


So, mountaintop hideaway. A luxury township isolated from the rest of the world. A perfect place to wait out the apocalypse...except I notice there's no fields or other signs of agriculture. In fact, I don't see any place to put farms in those mountains.

So what are these millionaire survivalists going to eat after the TV dinners run out? Each other?
posted by happyroach at 3:15 PM on March 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


A general view shows a halted construction of a highway called "Lulin" near capital Sofia, Bulgaria November 26, 2008. The highway is facing serious delay due to lack of funding, according to local media.

Poorly informed much? New European infrastructure is often built form EU structural funds (especially in the new member states of Eastern Europe). Those funds aren't so affected by the economic downturn, and in this case the funding was pulled due to the Bulgarian authorities reluctance/inability to deal with corruption. Read more here, assuming you're interested.
posted by Sova at 3:16 PM on March 19, 2009


The Big Picture also gave us this absolutely gorgeous set. The first picture is some kind of wonderful.
posted by stonepharisee at 3:25 PM on March 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


Nice post, BTW. A very piquant juxtaposition.
posted by stonepharisee at 3:25 PM on March 19, 2009


A general view shows a halted construction of a highway called "Lulin" near capital Sofia, Bulgaria November 26, 2008. The highway is facing serious delay due to lack of funding, according to local media.

If only the 'Mountain Hideaway' in the second link were located on a highway called "Lulin." That would help me take it more "srsly."
posted by Avelwood at 3:33 PM on March 19, 2009


FACT: Mammoths are delicious and there's no way a tiger wouldn't just eat him.
posted by Hammond Rye at 3:37 PM on March 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


From the second link:

FACT: Nuclear threat and hit here inside the USA is more prevalent now then ever in 2008. And growing each and every year since 911. Current world wide predictions place this to happen between now and Dec 2012

Hold on? We had nuclear weapons in 911? How did these not get used against the Viking raiders? I find it hard to believe that someone with access to the button wouldn't have seen those longboats coming and nuked the Norse lands to glass.

I have to admit though, it certainly explains why all those European castles would have been built: as a way of holding off the legions of radioactive Viking zombie shamblers from eating your people.
posted by quin at 3:38 PM on March 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


There's plenty of crazy in both links, if you read the comments from the first one. Makes me wish they had a comments section on the second one.
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 3:43 PM on March 19, 2009


"We would be requiring that a notarized "non-suability waver" would be required to be signed by you the client/s for all custom subterraneous bomb shelter home/s that we design and custom built for you etc."

"However as an example. Truth be known is that. When we hit Japan during WW2. Not all died. And it took time for others to die in much prolonged pain during the first two months if they even last that long. And so. I mean... Japan is still there today and doing well as a matter of fact and that's my point."


FACT: writing all the copy for your website after apparently being awake for 12 days on some really dirty bathtub meth... NOT A GOOD IDEA.
posted by elizardbits at 3:50 PM on March 19, 2009




So much so that the entire webpage strikes me as high-concept satire. I can't believe that someone who created the pictures of the "planned community" could have such atrocious spelling.

At least three of the images in the second link are concept art by Craig Mullins created for a James Bond game.

Well, never mind then. I guess batshitinsane isn't out of the question.
posted by UrineSoakedRube at 3:59 PM on March 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


Y'know, I don't want to tell a property manager how to do his job, but it's not *their* door he's kicking in.

"Yes, The White House has this level of protection and so do other governments of the world however..." a Cessna 150L could still crash on it.

"Nuclear threat and hit here inside the USA is more prevalent now then ever in 2008. And growing each and every year since 911. Current world wide predictions place this to happen between now and Dec 2012"

Stopped clock, all that. Lot more nuclear knowlege out there, it's more possible to build a nuke than ever before thanks to porous borders, widespread broadband communications that can spread technical knowledge, more dual-use nuclear tech, and those fucks in Pakistan sending that knowledge to every Tom, Dick and Libya, North Korea and Iran.

Getting the materials are the hard part, for the first time in history (and it's not that hard).

According to the International Panel on Fissile Materials, there's a lot of highly enriched uranium (not the crap some nazi schumuck in Maine has in his basement, highly enriched) in about 40 non-nuclear weapon states (about 1,400 metric tons of the stuff, plus about 500 tons of plutonium - on every continent (except Antarctica ... I think) at about 100-odd sites in civilian power plants and university research centers with security you could pierce with a banana) plus expansion of nuclear power in Asia in general (Japan is planning about 5 plants, China's looking at 30 by 2020)
So Iran - blah de blah, but Mohammed elBaradei is saying about 25 world states have the capability to make a nuke. Intent or no. And the big 4 (U.S., U.K., France, Russia) are refining arsenals, not scaling back, and are still at high launch readiness.

That's not to mention with the human genome project there's the whole 'captain tripps' scariness - I think the Australians accidentally created a unique and virulent strain of mouspox virus.
And the (U.S.) Department of Defense (those seed eating, birkenstock wearing, tree hugging, hippies) report that the concentration of carbon dioxide is higher than at any time during the last 650,000 years.
Plus the freakin' zombies.
So if you're respective gonads aren't in your throat over the real possibility of imminent catastrophic destruction, you're not paying attention.
...not that I'd get a bunker. Wrong way to go about it. But crazy scared looks to be a good market. Of course, catch-22 is you make all that money selling bunkers to people, money's going to be worthless if there is a catastrophe of that magnitude.
Learn how to cooperate and do teamwork and you'll survive most anything.
posted by Smedleyman at 4:13 PM on March 19, 2009


Hammond Rye: "... but this is just bananas"

My international skype name is : SaraAngelina007

monju_bosatsu: "At least three of the images in the second link are concept art by Craig Mullins created for a James Bond game."

Do I have to draw you a diagram?
posted by Joe Beese at 4:18 PM on March 19, 2009


From the contact page: To send money for your project. Or pre-scheduled requested by you consulting fee. Please use our secure. PayPal link provided above for your ease of use.

Would someone just send them money via PayPal and say: make my car all electric! The doors are unlocked and the keys are behind the visor. It's a green Rav4, currently parked on the corner of ... When will it be done? I'm tempted to send them $5 and ask them to make my bike an electric bike, and see what happens.
posted by filthy light thief at 4:30 PM on March 19, 2009


Smedleyman: "Learn how to cooperate and do teamwork and you'll survive most anything."

Or there's the other way.
posted by Joe Beese at 4:34 PM on March 19, 2009


i want to learn how to get electricity from electricity! that sounds neat!

i bet it involves some sort of extension cord...
posted by sexyrobot at 4:37 PM on March 19, 2009 [3 favorites]


South American Territories

Headquarters in Argentina


What? No no no. You keep your nutjob self up there, thank you. Also, next time you refer to us as your "territories" we are going all zapatista on your crazy ass, lady!
posted by Iosephus at 4:38 PM on March 19, 2009 [3 favorites]


I loved that 2nd link.

This is a very simple comment only.
posted by chairface at 4:39 PM on March 19, 2009


It just goes to show, you can't be too careful!
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:43 PM on March 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


This is a Mountain City that was in fact designed, built, and developed by the Ancient INCA's of South America many years ago.

I am incapable of reading this without making up some words to go with the acronym. "by the Ancient:
International Nude Catcher's Association
Icelandic National Candy Adjunct
Imported Nested Coffin Alliance
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 4:50 PM on March 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


I love how the wording on her "about" page switches back and forth randomly from first person to third person, sometimes within the same paragraph. There's a whole lot of The Crazy going on there.
posted by elizardbits at 4:59 PM on March 19, 2009


I think I'll just dig a hole in my backyard and put leaves over it. Don't tell anyone in I'm there, OK?
posted by big scary freak at 5:22 PM on March 19, 2009


OOH I know. I'll give this crazy lady millions of dollars to build me a retreat. Which is kind of like a house. Or a city. And a Harrier. In the middle of a mortgage crisis.

I need to sit down and rethink this for a moment.
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 5:27 PM on March 19, 2009


There is a house
In New Orleans
Called the House of Blues
It swallows all
Who stray too close
It will come for you

It will seek you out at nightfall
Resistance is futile
It will find you in your hidey-hole
Resistance is futile

It will seek you out at daybreak
Resistance is futile
It will find you in your workplace
Resistance is futile

House of Blues
House of Blues
House of Blues
Aaaah!
Leaving me to ponder: will this shelter protect me from the House of Blues?
posted by morganw at 5:31 PM on March 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


I think I'll just dig a hole in my backyard and put leaves over it. Don't tell anyone in I'm there, OK?

Just don't blog about it.
posted by dersins at 5:40 PM on March 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


Great photos in the first link. All the paintings in the second link except maybe the one right above the "New Mountain City" header are the work of Craig Mullins, who probably wouldn't appreciate being associated with DeLagostti Industries.
posted by effwerd at 5:58 PM on March 19, 2009


So you spend a few million, you move into your mountaintop hideaway, protected from the apocalypse consuming the Earth below you, and then on your very first day, you find out that your bunkmate is... Glenn Beck.

No thanks.
posted by fungible at 6:30 PM on March 19, 2009


Metafilter: This is just a very simple skecth only.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:57 PM on March 19, 2009


From the 2nd link:

I know all to well... How many seem to think... That. If and when we actually get hit by a nuke at various USA locations we are all toast anyway and we all wont live so why bother ? My reply to all of you like thinkers is that. As follows:

For any direct hit to your home or city. That comment is almost 100% all true. Yes.

However as an example. Truth be known is that. When we hit Japan during WW2. Not all died. And it took time for others to die in much prolonged pain during the first two months if they even last that long. And so. I mean... Japan is still there today and doing well as a matter of fact and that's my point. Do take note that. Many did live through that WW2 nuke blast that ending the war. On the upside to that event. That one successful attack preventing many soldiers from being sent overseas to die in a land war similar to what we are now seeing today in Iraq. So., yes living through a nuclear war is very much possible.

That now said. Let me let you in on a little big secrete ok. All the various governments of the world are very much already privately prepared for a nuke hit. Reason being is that they all know all to well that survival is very much a reality if one is truly and properly prepared for the long haul !



Ponyrequest: I would like to abolish "favorites" and replace them with a "That comment is almost 100% all true. Yes." button. Our lives would be richer and more intense in their pleasures if this were done.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:59 PM on March 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


Hammond Rye, I first scanned her business page, and thought that maybe the WW III survival village site was to make her look bad. But the spelling and grammar is just as bad: To us., Custom simply means: Personalized overall services .... for you and your many remodeling needs.

Why does she use BOTH a period and comma? WHY?
posted by filthy light thief at 7:47 PM on March 19, 2009


Five million for a 2 BR 1 bath. Not bad! *cough*
posted by jamstigator at 8:06 PM on March 19, 2009


Reminds me of the 1987 Bay Area earthquake. 99.8% of the Bay Area was completely fine, with some major trauma in the other parts. To watch the news you would have thought the entire area was flattened. This is the same, we see scenes of devastation, but in reality, the big trauma is most peoples net worth has been mashed, and a small percentage of the population has been truly devastated, which of course is awful. For every fearsome picture taken, you could take probably thousands of pictures of things going on pretty much the same as always. But of course, fear sells, normalcy is boring. If you watched TV, you would adduce that the world is a cesspool of violence, but again, terrible pockets, mostly normal.

Sure is fun scaring ourselves!
posted by jcworth at 8:22 PM on March 19, 2009


While I grant you that I have always wanted a volcano lair in the jungle, I despaired of ever finding just the right sort of designer. So, thanks Joe Beese! (Can I call you Joe?) You're all invited to bring your bikinis and swim in my evil pool, just as soon as I work out the paypal payments.

Of course, you'll have to bring your own sharks with lasers on their heads, and your minions will be required to be in uniform. I mean, I may be insane, but I do have standards.
posted by dejah420 at 8:30 PM on March 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


Never before now has there been anything like this made available for you., the public till now by us.

Gold.
posted by dan g. at 8:31 PM on March 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


Sarah Angelina DeLagostti seems pretty down-to-earth on these pages...
...except for the fact that her BBB membership has expired because she hasn't paid the license fee

Check out the other links on her site...she seems like an opportunistic scammer. Unless you do want to pay a quarter of a million dollars for a fiber optic eagle.
posted by hal_c_on at 9:50 PM on March 19, 2009


she seems like an opportunistic scammer

Oh I disagree., I've gotten nothing but good, good laughs from her to me given.
posted by From Bklyn at 2:30 AM on March 20, 2009


It's always the same. Every generation has the vanity of thinking that it's the last, that we're living in the end times. It's probably a projection of the individual's sense of mortality, combined with a scarcity of vision about what to do about the future.

I can't wait until January 2013 when all this batshit insane crap will finally let up a bit and people will have to come to grips with the bigger challenge ... of facing the issues of our time.

BTW, if you want to survive the last place you want to be doing is flying a Harrier jet. Ever seen the accident record on those things? Just sayin'.
posted by dacoit at 2:38 AM on March 20, 2009


They did win us the war against John Travolta though
posted by Molesome at 3:43 AM on March 20, 2009


The crazy is strong with this one.
posted by chillmost at 5:31 AM on March 20, 2009


The more I read through the 2nd link, the more I think we've got a real classic gem on our hands, here. Websites like this don't just come along every day. AAAA++++ Would read again!

*fondles "save as web archive" button in Safari*
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:11 AM on March 20, 2009


A friend of mine has been exploring these themes in his painting studio for some time. Soon he might not have to imagine the scenes and can just rent a helicopter and paint from life!
posted by JBennett at 8:19 AM on March 20, 2009


Did Smedleyman just swallow some of the crazy as well?
posted by slogger at 10:13 AM on March 20, 2009


Hey, don't mess with Sarah Angelina DeLagostti.
posted by mdoar at 12:05 PM on March 20, 2009


From the FAQ on her remodelling site:

"After all I do hope that those that have passed us Two Girls up that do Remodeling up due to my... perhaps not so great grammar style at times ? ANd some of my spelling errors., can I suppose always hire a English Professor to remodel their home huh ?

All kidding aside. I do my very best with the very limited time that I have. Most late nights editing this site instead of watching TV then I go off to remodel someone's home the next day. And for me the remodeling part is what's the most important thing of all.

In other words if people cant see past the above points then I honestly rather not work for them"

and

"Albert Einstein was also dyslectic just in case you didn't already know it"

She nailed it for me.
posted by mdoar at 12:09 PM on March 20, 2009


She nailed it for me.

Wait - you hired her?
posted by From Bklyn at 1:07 PM on March 20, 2009


No, I think he's saying that he had the sexytimes with her.
posted by dersins at 1:18 PM on March 20, 2009 [1 favorite]


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