This week, Guantánamo!!! It was an incredible experience.

March 31, 2009 11:56 AM

Miss Universe goes to Guantánamo Bay!
posted by geos (42 comments total)

Something's wrong, it looks like the NY Times has posted an Onion article.
posted by mullingitover at 12:00 PM on March 31 [2 favorites has favorites]

Christ, what an asshole.
posted by notsnot at 12:01 PM on March 31

The water in Guantánamo Bay is soooo beautiful! It was unbelievable, we were able to enjoy it for at least an hour.

Words fail me.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 12:02 PM on March 31

Anything that pisses off Chavez is a plus in my book.
posted by Krrrlson at 12:02 PM on March 31 [2 favorites has favorites]

We visited the Detainees camps and we saw the jails, where they shower, how the recreate themselves with movies, classes of art, books. It was very interesting.

Wow.
posted by delmoi at 12:07 PM on March 31 [6 favorites has favorites]

What universe is she queen of again?
posted by The Light Fantastic at 12:08 PM on March 31 [4 favorites has favorites]

I bought a necklace from her that will remind me of Guantánamo Bay :)
posted by Corduroy at 12:10 PM on March 31

Must have been tortuous for the troops to put up with her.
posted by brundlefly at 12:12 PM on March 31

I can't really bring myself to be angry about this. Its just too... surreal.
posted by cimbrog at 12:13 PM on March 31

What universe is she queen of again?

The Miss Universe Organization producers of the Miss UNIVERSE®, MISS USA® and MISS TEEN USA® Pageants is a Donald J. Trump and NBC Universal joint venture.

posted by acro at 12:14 PM on March 31 [3 favorites has favorites]

She really, really hated the waterboarding part. She thought they were going wakeboarding.
posted by Xoebe at 12:15 PM on March 31 [5 favorites has favorites]

Miss Universe goes to Guantánamo Bay! ...this Fall on FOX!
posted by The Whelk at 12:16 PM on March 31

I'm with you cimbrog. I'm bemused. It's like a telemundo sitcom or something...
posted by Mister_A at 12:19 PM on March 31

Once the presence of this story in NYT would have been enough to convince me it wasn't an April Fool's prank...but...
posted by kittens for breakfast at 12:19 PM on March 31

Did she go with Harold and Kumar??
posted by hermitosis at 12:31 PM on March 31 [1 favorite has favorites]

how the recreate themselves with movies, classes of art, books.

Is this...poorly translated, or something? I've never seen anyone use recreate as a verb, unless she means they're making movies and paintings about their lives.
posted by graventy at 12:33 PM on March 31

graventy, I'm pretty sure that what she meant by "recreate" is that the prisoners are building neural implant-enhanced clones with leathery bat-wings and are planning to upload their psyches and memories into said clones, then go on a spree of wanton aerial guano-bombing. And then they will have tea.
posted by Mister_A at 12:37 PM on March 31 [1 favorite has favorites]

As of the time of this comment, the blog post referenced in the NYT article has disappeared. Still, the "most recent" post refers to Guantanamo, so I guess the Miss Universe people couldn't black-ink everything.
posted by CancerMan at 12:42 PM on March 31

To be fair, when relations between Cuba and the US are normalized again, I expect that Cuba will be a primo resort location.
posted by SPrintF at 12:45 PM on March 31

Politically naive beauty contestants behave socially awkwardly you say? Shocking!
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 12:47 PM on March 31 [1 favorite has favorites]

Dateline: Paramecium Homeworld. Newly-crowned Miss Universe Gladys Lennox entertains troops fighting to wipe out the human race. Go get 'em, boys!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:50 PM on March 31

Ooooo... those crafty and Machiavellian US torturers. Imagine... your whole essence of self goes berserk at the thought of even a glimpse of exposed feminine flesh -- any bit, and your guards bring a tour like this through the compounds. The Taliban head explosions must've been heard as far away as Havana! And think of it, they didn't even have to use electricity!
posted by Mike D at 12:52 PM on March 31

The water in Guantánamo Bay is soooo beautiful!

This reminds me of the great Wagnerian soprano Kirsten Flagstad saying she had met Hitler once "and he had the most beautiful blue eyes".

Naivete that profound has a touch of the holy about it.
posted by Joe Beese at 1:02 PM on March 31 [4 favorites has favorites]

We also met the Military dogs, and they did a very nice demonstration of their skills.

this is the line that let me know that I was actually reading and Onion article.
posted by geos at 1:13 PM on March 31 [1 favorite has favorites]

Yea, I was wondering about that demonstration, too. Did they terrify her into crapping her pants or what?
posted by Mister_A at 1:20 PM on March 31

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us."

See also.
posted by not_on_display at 1:21 PM on March 31

That's funny, just yesterday I was scolded, by a former high school chum of mine who is now a beauty pageant contestant, for suggesting that beauty pageant contestants are judged primarily on the relative merits of their beauty.
posted by shakespeherian at 2:16 PM on March 31

What universe is she queen of again?

The Miss Universe Organization producers of the Miss UNIVERSE®, MISS USA® and MISS TEEN USA® Pageants is a Donald J. Trump and NBC Universal joint venture.

Oh yes, I remember the Trump Pocket Universe. I was traveling from the Realm Of Seven Delights And Also Chocolate to the Base Material Plane. To avoid the Negative Energy Sphere I had to transfer at Trump InterDimensional.

The Pocket Universe revealed itself as a vast black marble lobby, limitless in reflective luster. Massive gold columns vanished into the unseen ceiling, making sad show of the feeble decorate plants cowering at their feet. In the center of the lobby was a pool and in the center of the pool was a girl.

She was encased in a crystal box and set upon shimmering silver silk pillows. She was young and beautiful, dolled up in a diamond necklace and crown, with a golden chain wrapped round her delicate ankle. It was cold in the lobby, cold and quiet, but she did not notice me. She was staring into the space between the columns, the place where the black marble blurredi, reflecting nothing.

Her gaze made me feel exposed and ashamed. I turned away to complete my next Material Jump. I thought the chain was cruel, seeing as she was already caged, but the crown seemed the worst of all. What use was finery in a such an airless space? What was she Queen of? This empty pocket? This tomb? I thought it was very sad. Then I completed my jump and I did not think about it anymore.
posted by The Whelk at 2:27 PM on March 31 [19 favorites has favorites]

The Whelk earns one point.
posted by JHarris at 2:49 PM on March 31

Lipstick on a pig, so to speak.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:02 PM on March 31

Dayana Mendoza was discovered at the age of 13 at a local bus stop.
posted by Burhanistan at 3:14 PM on March 31

This reminds me of the great Wagnerian soprano Kirsten Flagstad saying she had met Hitler once "and he had the most beautiful blue eyes".

Time, Monday, Jul. 27, 1942:
"But it is also a fact that, whatever her views, Singer Flagstad has not sung since her return, either in Norway or in any of the big German opera houses. Only in Switzerland, in freedom's land, has Flagstad sung. There, fortnight ago, at Zurich, she sang in three operas. One was Beethoven's Fidelio, in which the heroine flourishes her pistol at a tyrant."

Time, Monday, Dec. 27, 1948:
"Flagstad had never sung for either quislings or Nazis."
posted by iviken at 3:24 PM on March 31

Pageants is a Donald J. Trump and NBC Universal joint venture.

Miss Military-Industrial Complex
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 3:29 PM on March 31 [2 favorites has favorites]

Even down here, words are still failing. How did someone this tone-deaf get through the talent competition?
posted by GuyZero at 4:04 PM on March 31

how the recreate themselves with movies, classes of art, books.

She watched them jacking it to porn?
posted by dirigibleman at 5:21 PM on March 31

I personally believe um torture um terrorism um ticking time bomb. *toothy grin*
posted by DU at 5:30 PM on March 31

Despite what we know about Guantanamo, it doesn't surprise me one bit that others can be so naive. So while I am disgusted, I am not surprised.

Too bad she isn't more like Nazanin Afshin Jam. Too bad a lot of people aren't more like Nazanin Afshin Jam.
posted by bitteroldman at 6:31 PM on March 31

Is it April 1 where this was posted already?
posted by IAmBroom at 7:20 PM on March 31

To be fair, when relations between Cuba and the US are normalized again, I expect that Cuba will be a primo resort location.

Well, it already is for the rest of the world, from what I understand. Whenever I've been to the Caribbean, I always get people from Canada and Europe telling me how awesome Cuba is (and sometimes they're quite surprised that Americans aren't allowed to go there).
posted by wildcrdj at 7:27 PM on March 31

We also met the Military dogs, and they did a very nice demonstration of their skills.

The dogs there actually can perform a painless Brazilian wax. Very skillful.
posted by KokuRyu at 8:42 PM on March 31

This one's hitting below the Mendoza line, fer sure.
posted by octobersurprise at 6:16 AM on April 1

After this glowing writeup, I sure can't wait to see Gitmo in its upcoming episode of "Bridget's Sexiest Beaches".
posted by Spatch at 6:46 AM on April 1