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THANK GOODNESS SHE HAS HAIR NOW.
March 31, 2009 10:09 PM   Subscribe

Need a wig for your baby boy? Too bad, they're just for girls.
posted by bystander (59 comments total) 3 users marked this as a favorite

 
Fucking kill me now.
posted by turgid dahlia at 10:11 PM on March 31, 2009 [7 favorites]


Good lord, those are terrible - in many ways.
posted by arcticwoman at 10:13 PM on March 31, 2009


This makes me want to vomit and cry at the same time.
posted by Subcommandante Cheese at 10:19 PM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


I was 75% sure it was an April Fools joke until I checked the DNS registration. Ridiculous; I wonder how many of those they've sold.
posted by p3t3 at 10:20 PM on March 31, 2009


Now made from Bonsai Kittens&trade!
posted by Krrrlson at 10:21 PM on March 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


goddam, give me Baby Burkah any day

Honey, have you seen my murkin?
posted by mattoxic at 10:21 PM on March 31, 2009


Oh nuts.
posted by Krrrlson at 10:22 PM on March 31, 2009


Is there a point to them using such ugly children to advertise? Is that a strategy, or just random?
posted by pompomtom at 10:22 PM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


Filed under creepy.
posted by special-k at 10:22 PM on March 31, 2009


And.. is baby Bangs an unfortunate name, or am i just jaded.

Sounds like a kiddie porn site
posted by mattoxic at 10:23 PM on March 31, 2009


Someone's discovered fonts
posted by mattoxic at 10:24 PM on March 31, 2009 [12 favorites]


Bald babies freak me out.
posted by mazola at 10:26 PM on March 31, 2009


I prefer something with a little more.. pizazz.
posted by Ugh at 10:26 PM on March 31, 2009 [7 favorites]


Someone's discovered fonts

No, that's just the ransom note.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:26 PM on March 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


Good to put on your fake dead baby, though.
posted by turgid dahlia at 10:26 PM on March 31, 2009 [3 favorites]


Slap some artificial teeth in those babies too and I think you've got something!
posted by mazola at 10:29 PM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


Sounds like a kiddie porn site

How is babby banged?
posted by turgid dahlia at 10:30 PM on March 31, 2009 [4 favorites]


I do not have the words for how deeply bald babies offend me.
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 10:38 PM on March 31, 2009


Who loves ya baby?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:46 PM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


"My daughter Whitney would bring Wren (who is a year old now) over to visit just so I could try out the different hair pieces I created... That is exactly how I got started."

How exactly is that an explanation?
posted by katillathehun at 10:49 PM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa!!!!
posted by katillathehun at 10:52 PM on March 31, 2009


Not only is this a baby toupee, it's a baby comb-over toupee.

Any style on an infant requiring hairspray is missing the entire point of one of the chief joys of being a very young child.
posted by batmonkey at 10:53 PM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


Ew.

I have forgiven my mother for the hours spent sitting or kneeling on the bathroom tile while she twisted my hair into those poky pink foam rollers so that I would be a golden-ringleted little angel for every special occasion and Sunday. I would not have been able to forgive her for putting me in one of these.
posted by notquitemaryann at 10:54 PM on March 31, 2009


SNL already did this skit: here
posted by in the methow at 10:58 PM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


You mean you're sure it isn't an april fool's site?
posted by damehex at 11:11 PM on March 31, 2009


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! If you're lucky, you'll have about two minutes of Baby Trump before she pulls it off her head, puts it in her mouth, and vomits all over it.
posted by erniepan at 11:15 PM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


How is babby banged?

One gang at a time, baby, one gang at a time
posted by PeterMcDermott at 11:50 PM on March 31, 2009


I only wish this product had been around when my last two were babies. I ended up having to give them away.

stupid baldies.
posted by maryh at 11:52 PM on March 31, 2009 [4 favorites]


omg i HAVE to get one of those fake dead babies...if only to keep the ice cube trays from getting lonely.
posted by sexyrobot at 12:14 AM on April 1, 2009 [1 favorite]


also...on a related note, 50 animals in wigs.
posted by sexyrobot at 12:24 AM on April 1, 2009 [4 favorites]


And of course, they don't have any African American hair available. Which is offensive, I guess, though I can't help but think that infants of African descent throughout the world are coming out ahead on this one.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 12:34 AM on April 1, 2009 [1 favorite]


It makes your penis look like cousin It from the Addams family. Oh wait, what were we talking about again?
posted by BrotherCaine at 12:58 AM on April 1, 2009


Just the other day, I was talking with a friend of mine about this world we've created. I said, "Do you think George Saunders is upset that everything he writes comes to pass so quickly?" She said, "Probably."
posted by Greg Nog at 1:38 AM on April 1, 2009 [1 favorite]


Your little baby girl will look into the mirror one day and be repulsed by how she looks. She just really wants the world to know that she's not a boy!
And if you let her crawl around like this you could just as well put her into a blue jumper and watch how the childhood gender-identity disorder develops. Your investment in this wig is money saved on the therapeutic intervention later on.

And anyway, if you can buy a wig for your kitty, why not for a baby?

I suddenly feel the need to read some Judith Butler texts...
posted by kolophon at 2:00 AM on April 1, 2009 [1 favorite]


My mother would have loved this. When I was a little bald baby, it made her crazy when random strangers thought I was a boy. As it was, she had to make do by scotch-taping bows on my head. (And thus began decades of her fretting over my femininity. Thanks, Mom.)

Good grief, they're even fragranced. Perfumed baby combover toupees.
posted by sculpin at 2:27 AM on April 1, 2009 [1 favorite]


I diverted the entire web browsing skills of our programming department to find the UGLIEST baby image possible. I kept the staff back, cajoled them, offered overtime, time of in lieu, a bonus and movie tickets. We were meant to get several reports out for a desperate client, but it was worth it.

Our intern came up trumps. Try these apples.

Thank fuck it ain't real.
posted by mattoxic at 2:59 AM on April 1, 2009 [5 favorites]


Our Philosophy
At Baby Bangs! we believe in the beauty of childhood.


No, you do not.
posted by sidereal at 3:56 AM on April 1, 2009 [4 favorites]


mattoxic, I must now go poke my eyes out with a stick...thanks!
posted by squasha at 4:22 AM on April 1, 2009


Reminds me of one of my favorite Overheard in New York quotes:

Brooklyn guy: Cute kid you got there. How old is he?
Short-haired mom: She is 20 months.
Brooklyn guy: Oh, 'she.' Sorry, I didn't realize...
Short-haired mom: That's because gender is performance.
Brooklyn guy: [Sips coffee.]
posted by piratebowling at 5:24 AM on April 1, 2009 [13 favorites]


Was it Dorothy Parker - or one of the Mitfords - who referred acidly to someone's baby as "a bawling orange in a black wig"?
posted by Jody Tresidder at 6:09 AM on April 1, 2009


I'm just going to go ahead and assume this is an April Fool's Day thing regardless of evidence to the contrary. That way I can leave the napalm safely stowed away for another day.
posted by Bango Skank at 6:24 AM on April 1, 2009 [2 favorites]


Calvin: You know how old people always write letters to Dear Abby, complaining that their kids never write, call or visit? Those letters really crack me up.
posted by 1f2frfbf at 6:29 AM on April 1, 2009


Yes. Goood. Fine. But my 11 year old doesn't have any armpit hair yet and he is starting to doubt his masculinity. He sees his daddy's thick, bushy armpit hair and it makes him sad. We both told him, "Eat your lima beans and the Hair Fairy will visit you in the night and leave little sprouty things under your arms." Now he wants to eat lima beans every damn day and we are all gassy as hell.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:40 AM on April 1, 2009 [2 favorites]


Hey, Secret Life of Gravy, you could take a fuzzy swatch of material, a faux pelt if you will, and some spirit gum to give the dear child instant furry pits. Do it to him while he sleeps and *poof* he's a man! What joy he'll have when we awakes to find his pit-fro hanging beneath is skinny kid arms.
posted by onhazier at 7:01 AM on April 1, 2009 [1 favorite]


Please excuse the typos. I was giggling as I wrote that.
posted by onhazier at 7:03 AM on April 1, 2009


Thank you for my new Twitter avatar.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 7:32 AM on April 1, 2009 [1 favorite]


a few years back i went to an estate sale & found a big old plastic bag of baby doll parts: faces, hands, feet, & heads. it was a dollar. only a dollar! i snatched it up & took it to the woman at the door to pay, along with a few other items. when she picked up the baby body parts bag, she held it up, gave me a big smile, and announced in a loud voice: OHHHH! WE HAVE A CRAFTER! i sort of smiled sheepishly & said, 'not really,' handed over my money, and took my baby heads & went home. i ended up with a little bowl of little feet & hands sitting in my living room, and i took a couple of the baby faces & 'mounted' them in foam core. (the faces were malleable so i squeezed the faces & cut a mounting groove into the foam core to match the various levels of 'squeezedness,' which gave each face a different expression.) i thought it was pretty cool, my friends thought it was pretty bizarre. maybe they would have thought it was a little less creepy if i'd had baby wigs for the project.
posted by msconduct at 7:53 AM on April 1, 2009 [2 favorites]


My fake baby.

"Ohhhhh I don't like it."
posted by pianomover at 8:58 AM on April 1, 2009


I am totally Lizzing.
posted by tristeza at 8:58 AM on April 1, 2009


If this stops just one parent from allowing the use of a piercing gun on the earlobes of a FREAKING INFANT in order to visibly gender them to strangers, I'm all for it.
posted by availablelight at 9:42 AM on April 1, 2009


Who cares if someone confuses the sex of a baby. It's a baby. Be glad the reproductive bits seem healthy and leave the gender issues out of it until they're old enough to differentiate without a second guess.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:43 AM on April 1, 2009


Who cares if someone confuses the sex of a baby. It's a baby.

Its a detail, right Burkistan? Burbisistan? Fred?
posted by Ogre Lawless at 11:35 AM on April 1, 2009


My biggest problem with this is the edibility factor. Wearing one of these wee wiggies WILL bug the average baby to death; the kid WILL manage to remove it, after which the thing WILL be summarily masticated. I don't know how that kind of thing usually comes out for a human infant, but I know what it was like when my corgi ate a pair of thong underwear and-- well-- let's just say it's an experience I'd wish on anyone.

For safety's sake, why not use something the kid can't remove, like a temporary (or permanent) tattoo? Better still, for those who need their non-verbal offspring to present themselves in the femmiest way possible-- why not concede the edibility issue right away and spell out the kid's gender on her forehead in edible gemstones, or something similar?

That would be extra good, because then you could personalize the kid's gender statement. Instead of the limiting "girl/not girl" signalling that use or non-use of Baby Bangs! allows, you could explicitly say "cis-gendered female," or "drag queen caught in girl infant's body," or "Honey, my X-chromosomes have x-chromosomes." A more science-oriented neonate gender-flogger might consider something like: "They're not Zweiback crumbs-- they're Barr Bodies, bi-yatch."

Or you could simply choose to spell the words, "Poor Impulse Control," which is a charmingly appropriate statement for an infant of any gender.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 12:09 PM on April 1, 2009 [1 favorite]


Its a detail, right Burkistan? Burbisistan? Fred?

I can't tell if you're being facetious, but I wasn't. A baby is a baby and will manifest sexuality in good time without needing external identifiers when it can't even talk yet.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:45 PM on April 1, 2009


I too am going to move forward with the belief that this is a 4/1 joke, and not a real site, with real people selling real products to nitwits in order to torture babies.
posted by dejah420 at 3:08 PM on April 1, 2009


*
posted by BrotherCaine at 3:58 PM on April 1, 2009


I too am going to move forward with the belief that this is a 4/1 joke, and not a real site, with real people selling real products to nitwits in order to torture babies.


What's happening on the 4th of January?
posted by mattoxic at 4:30 PM on April 1, 2009


I'd tell you Matt...but, well...we're keeping it a secret from those silly people what use European notation. Heh.
posted by dejah420 at 5:36 PM on April 1, 2009


What's happening on the 4th of January?

There's a really super awesome ski resort opening in Taos, New Mexico.
posted by Pollomacho at 6:08 PM on April 1, 2009


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