I am not joking. It is real. Carry on.

April 22, 2009 4:07 PM

Worst Film of the Century ... a very bad move,(slavc) --- is set to open soon. Can anyone explain how these things happen? Anyone?
posted by shockingbluamp (88 comments total)

I'm still waiting for someone to explain to me how Fast & Furious 4 happened.
posted by cazoo at 4:12 PM on April 22

"A very bad post" is too easy, but this was pretty hard to parse. Did you mean "a very bad movie"?
posted by msalt at 4:13 PM on April 22

I'm disappointed it wasn't titled The Fast and the Fourious. Or, Four Fast, Four Furious.
posted by boo_radley at 4:13 PM on April 22 [10 favorites has favorites]

Hercules had one more awful, heinous labor to attend to, I guess...
posted by incompressible at 4:14 PM on April 22 [2 favorites has favorites]

My kids (8 year old twin girls) will be all over this like Cheney on a waterboarding video. Hip hop mule? Check. It seems to be aimed squarely at pre-tweens, hip enough to appreciate a blinged out mule yet naive enough to enjoy stories where good triumphs against very long odds. "Dad, there's a movie with a talking horse-thing, and it sounds just like Donkey in Shrek!"
posted by Keith Talent at 4:16 PM on April 22

ice t as the voice of jackie a ... ?

don't they know they need eddie murphy to play the ass?
posted by msconduct at 4:16 PM on April 22

Newsflash: possibly mediocre movies for children are still being made.
posted by ornate insect at 4:19 PM on April 22 [2 favorites has favorites]

cazoo: "I'm still waiting for someone to explain to me how Fast & Furious 4 happened."

Just wait a decade or so until some studio head decides it's time to reboot the franchise.
posted by Joe Beese at 4:19 PM on April 22 [2 favorites has favorites]

It was this or Air Bud 12: The Barkening.
posted by Krrrlson at 4:21 PM on April 22 [9 favorites has favorites]

I was afraid that the trailer would end without a single fart joke. I shouldn't have worried so.
posted by ColdChef at 4:21 PM on April 22 [4 favorites has favorites]

We got the rural/white kids, how can we pull in the urban/minority market?

I know, a hip-hop mule!
posted by Mick at 4:24 PM on April 22

Why is nobody mentioning the best thing about this movie: that it's produced, written and directed by Skinemax Hall of Fame actor Andrew Stevens, star of such 90's softcore tater classics as Night Eyes, Night Eyes II, Night Eyes Three, and Night Eyes Four: Fatal Passion.
posted by dersins at 4:25 PM on April 22 [4 favorites has favorites]

This movie is ripped from the headlines: an Iraq vet serving our nation, a mortgage foreclosure, and a talking jackass.
posted by jabberjaw at 4:26 PM on April 22 [16 favorites has favorites]

I submit to you the explanation:

The single greatest website ever. Within the "Family" section you will find the greatest query letter ever, proposing a film titled Healing Butte.
posted by esmerelda_jenkins at 4:28 PM on April 22 [12 favorites has favorites]

It's no One Eyed Monster, that's for sure.
posted by Combustible Edison Lighthouse at 4:29 PM on April 22 [6 favorites has favorites]

Troll 2, The Room, Tommy & The Mule?
posted by ORthey at 4:29 PM on April 22

Speaking of awful movies, apparently there was a hilarious montage of Chris Klein's "acting" in the latest Street Fighter movie floating around, but the movie studio nixed it. I'm looking forward to seeing that.
posted by Bookhouse at 4:30 PM on April 22

Ice T as the mule? Wow, things are tough all over.
posted by doctor_negative at 4:35 PM on April 22

I would pay $100 cash money to hear Kevin Sorbo's between-takes internal monologue. I mean, do marginally name-recognizable actors relegated to pee-yew stinkfests like this spend their time trying to get with their sense memories and all, or just hoping the pay covers their back taxes, or what?
posted by FelliniBlank at 4:37 PM on April 22

I'm disappointed it wasn't titled The Fast and the Fourious. Or, Four Fast, Four Furious.

I think they need to drop the fast/furious theme altogether. Like, The Quick and the Real Mad, or the Speedy and the Peeved, or The Velocitous and the Anger-Laden.
posted by ORthey at 4:39 PM on April 22 [5 favorites has favorites]

do marginally name-recognizable actors relegated to pee-yew stinkfests like this spend their time trying to get with their sense memories and all, or just hoping the pay covers their back taxes, or what?

Michael Caine on Jaws 4: The Revenge: "I have never seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific."
posted by dersins at 4:44 PM on April 22 [13 favorites has favorites]

I seem to recall Michael Caine saying that he got paid only 1/3 as much as Dustin Hoffman - so in order to live the same lifestyle, he needed to make 3 times as many movies as Dustin Hoffman.

I remembered that when he did that Steven Seagal picture.
posted by Joe Beese at 4:47 PM on April 22

AAAAAAAUUUGH!

Ow, oh man, so that's what an compound fracture of one's ironic enjoyment feels like.
posted by cog_nate at 4:51 PM on April 22

AAAAAAAUUUGH!

Heh, I totally heard that as the Wilhelm.
posted by mrnutty at 4:58 PM on April 22 [4 favorites has favorites]

In the same vein as that Michael Caine quote, David Cross on "Alvin and the Chipmunks."
posted by Guy Smiley at 5:08 PM on April 22 [4 favorites has favorites]

> I remembered that when he did that Steven Seagal picture.

Don't front on On Deadly Ground. Caine's performance in that flick is probably the closest thing we'll ever see to a live-action depiction of Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. The scene where he films the fake eco-commercial (in one take!) and then immediately melts down ("Goddamn it, these animals fucking stink!") is 24-karat comedy gold.
posted by The Card Cheat at 5:13 PM on April 22

hmmm who's hit the lowest career low... Ice T in this or Amber 'Buffy' Benson in One-Eyed Monster....
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 5:14 PM on April 22

hmmm who's hit the lowest career low... Ice T in this or Amber 'Buffy' Benson in One-Eyed Monster....

Oh, that's easy. It'd be Harvey Keitel's bravura performance as the organ-grinder gypsy in Monkey Trouble.
posted by FelliniBlank at 5:19 PM on April 22

. . . which, god help me, I actually saw at a theater, sober.
posted by FelliniBlank at 5:21 PM on April 22 [1 favorite has favorites]

Those who fail to study their Mr Ed are doomed to repeat it.
posted by DU at 5:30 PM on April 22

I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such movies as "Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die'' and "Gladys the Groovy Mule''.

Maybe it's just a coincidence, but I happened to notice that one of the characters in this movie is called "Mr Burns".
posted by tomcooke at 5:31 PM on April 22

I was skeptical about the greatest website ever but I was wrong! wrong! wrong! I will never doubt esmerelda jones again; I may not even doubt other Joneses for a while.

Reading the submissions there is like jumping on other peoples dreams with hob-nailed boots, and watching them pop and dissolve.
posted by hexatron at 5:37 PM on April 22 [2 favorites has favorites]

I think they need to drop the fast/furious theme altogether. Like, The Quick and the Real Mad, or the Speedy and the Peeved, or The Velocitous and the Anger-Laden.

May I propose the Rapid and the Rabid?
posted by ob at 5:39 PM on April 22 [3 favorites has favorites]

The most accurate name for the current installment would be The Willing and The Affordable.
posted by Joe Beese at 5:51 PM on April 22 [1 favorite has favorites]

The Sprightly and the Spittle-y?

That query site really is a goldmine. From the mystery section:

Title: IN SEARCH OF

Logline: A college student abandon at birth by his mother is on a fact finding mission to locate his biological family is surprised at what he finds.

Synopsis:
Christopher Miles has just return from visiting a friend in the Hospital that had a heart attack, concern about not knowing his own family medical history, he goes to a DNA clinic to get tested for at risk diseases, when afterwards he meets a myterious woman on the street who gives him the name of a man he looks like from her past and where she last saw him. He travels to Blacksburg Virginia, where he learns that the now deceaesed man had sex with myterious woman nine months before he was born. IF THIS PIQUED YOUR INTEREST I WILL LIKE TO SEND A COPY OF MY 114 PAGE, WGA REGISTERED SCREENPLAY FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION.

And two of the five entries in the biography section are about Edgar Allen Poe.
posted by cortex at 5:58 PM on April 22

more love for Esmerelda Jones' find here. My fave:

THE MAN FROM NANTUCKET
Joel, suffering from a birth defect leaving him unable to please his wife, undergoes a procedure that leads him to become the legendary Man from Nantucket. Inspired by true events.
posted by msalt at 6:09 PM on April 22 [3 favorites has favorites]

I also enjoy this website immensely, but it's a tad more pathetic, and a little more time consuming.
posted by esmerelda_jenkins at 6:17 PM on April 22

I call shenanigans. Not a real movie.

right?
it's not, right?
posted by flotson at 6:21 PM on April 22

This article from 2005 may go a long way towards explaining it.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 6:28 PM on April 22 [3 favorites has favorites]

Why is nobody mentioning the best thing about this movie: that it's produced, written and directed by Skinemax Hall of Fame actor Andrew Stevens

Wow! According to his bio on IMDB, Andrew Stevens' alternate name is "Hugh Janus".
posted by Ratio at 6:33 PM on April 22

Put this movie in a double feature with this recent offering, and you'll have yourself an endurance test that rivals any fraternity initiation.
posted by bibliowench at 6:34 PM on April 22

Title: Snails

Logline: And then, the snails came

Synopsis:
The people of Morgan were told that the nuclear power plant was safe. That fears of radioactive contamination, and mutant monsters taking over their town, was the stuff of Hollywood "B" movies. And then, the snails came. Sixty feet high, these slimy monsters have an agenda more terrifying than just eating the town''s people of Morgan. In their underground nest there are hundreds of snail eggs about to hatch. And the little darlings will be hungry.

Oh god, there are hundreds of them! Here they come!

...Yup, still coming!...

...Alright, let's get out of here.
posted by shii at 6:38 PM on April 22 [4 favorites has favorites]

I was afraid that the trailer would end without a single fart joke. I shouldn't have worried so.

I'm just shocked no one got covered in donkey shit, I guess I'll have to watch the whole movie for that.
posted by nola at 6:39 PM on April 22

Squirm
posted by nola at 6:42 PM on April 22

> I'm still waiting for someone to explain to me how Fast & Furious 4 happened.

The first three movies made a lot of money. And they involve sets full of hot women and blingy race cars, two things that producers find a lot more pleasing to look at day after day than squalid postindustrial landscapes populated by walking basket cases on tap for Oscar nominations.
posted by ardgedee at 6:48 PM on April 22 [1 favorite has favorites]

"It's no One Eyed Monster, that's for sure.
posted by Combustible Edison Lighthouse at 4:29 PM on April 22"

This reminded me of Killer Condom.
posted by kolophon at 6:55 PM on April 22

A few years ago a "friend" got me The Terror Within II on DVD as a joke gift due to me sharing my name with the director/writer/producer/star. I joked that if I ever wrote, produced, directed and starred in a film, I would make sure I got to score the hot chick at the end. Once I sat down to watch the film I realized that I had badly underestimated my namesake - he scores the hot chick within the first 10 minutes.

The Terror Within II also stars Andrew Steven's mother (Playboy Playmate of the Month January 1960) who spends quite a lot of the time topless. I do not want to imagine how one goes about directing your own mother in a topless scene.
posted by AndrewStephens at 6:55 PM on April 22 [1 favorite has favorites]

Second-worst Ice T role evar.
posted by Sys Rq at 7:22 PM on April 22

Sys Rq: "Second-worst Ice T role evar."

Say no more.
posted by Joe Beese at 7:43 PM on April 22

Yeah, that's pretty terrible, but I have seen the future of horror, and his name is Gooby. Just mouse over his face here, and you'll hear a sound you will never forget. Note: I will not be responsible for your therapy bills.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 8:09 PM on April 22 [1 favorite has favorites]

Holy fuck. That Gooby is just . . . They used Comic Sans in the trailer. That alone is criminal shittiness.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:31 PM on April 22

I also came in here to post that it couldn't be as bad as Gooby.
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 8:36 PM on April 22 [1 favorite has favorites]

ME, watching the Gooby trailer right now:

"That certainly can't be Eugene Levy as the teacher. A man of his talents really can't be in every third piece of shite movie that has come out in the past 15 years, can he?"

[ME sees character again, still thinks his eyes must be playing tricks on him]

"I mean, it makes sense for him to come back to the American Pie franchise to cash the checks. He knows a guy who knows a guy so he might as well... but this?"

[Me clicks YouTube description, shites self, posts here, logs off for the evening, a little bit sadder than I was before]
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:52 PM on April 22

The Man Maker recived an honorable mentioning award at the 75th Writers Digest Writing Competition.

This site is gold.
posted by jokeefe at 9:11 PM on April 22 [1 favorite has favorites]

On bad movies and inspiration: Death Bed, The Bed That Eats People (Patton Oswalt, NSFW)
posted by milquetoast at 9:11 PM on April 22

Monster a-go-go

Takes it for sure....
posted by dibblda at 9:36 PM on April 22

Well this sounds fucking awesome
posted by Artw at 10:10 PM on April 22 [1 favorite has favorites]

I predict The Fast and the Furious 5 will just be called FAUSTUS.
posted by nanojath at 10:23 PM on April 22

FWIW I would totally watch any of these movies over watching Crash again.
posted by Artw at 10:30 PM on April 22

...It's like if Michael Bay and John Waters had breakup sex and made a little ADD baby who hated humanity

oh, I'm watching this.
posted by From Bklyn at 12:55 AM on April 23 [1 favorite has favorites]

Artw, Crank 2 is indeed awesome. Rifuckingdiculously awesome. John Crank is my hero.
posted by Lokisbane at 1:16 AM on April 23

esmeralda_jenkins, I'm going to have to blame you if I never get a lick of work done again because I'm too busy browsing the greatest website ever.

I mean, how can you not love a movie called Cabbages and Legumes that's about a deathly feud between a cabbage farmer and a legume farmer? It's got all the elements I look for in a thriller: deliberate ergot poisoning, drowning, a "violent and bloody" incident with a combine.

"While thriving, cabbages and legumes aid each other, but they steal each others' nutrients in times of need. Much like these friends who wind up buried next [to] one another under a pithy epitaph." Indeed.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:18 AM on April 23

Can anyone explain how these things happen? Anyone?

For a movie to be financially profitable, it doesn't even need to get its budget back. Thanks to various tax incentives and deductions, a lot of the money spent on movies can be recouped. If it makes about the same as it's budget, it's considered a success (by the investors at least). The amazing thing about The Cool Mule is that it's not (as far as I know) based on an existing property, which seems a bit risky these days. This is why so many absolutely hideous comic book and video game movies get sequels. The original source material has enough draw to guarantee enough butts in the seats that it's not a completely wasted effort.

And yes, that screenplay pitch depository is the greatest thing of all time.
posted by slimepuppy at 1:33 AM on April 23

Title: The One That Got Away

Logline: Celestial love is torn apart in the heavenlies only to be rediscovered on planet earth. The ousted original dark angel relentlessly pursues his lost love moments before the apocalypse.

Synopsis:
What does the hidden angel do when everywhere she turns this mysterious figure appears? She gives him the run around in various manners including seeking shelter in an insane asylum, feigning an overdose and trying to make it as a stand up comic and actress. Meanwhile the original dark angel and his comrades, the dark angels, battle for the rights to his long lost love through the help of the light angels. Knowing there is no other way to bypass God's plan, they discover a loophole that will bring the two estranged lovers back together again. The title is a reference to the original dark angel stealing away his object of affection shortly before the apocalypse, or also known as the end of the world. The dialogue is full of wit and banter between the main characters and the angels, which is saturated with satire. This original screenplay has been compared to the work of Stanley Kubrick with its witty and unpredictable twists and turns.
posted by minifigs at 1:34 AM on April 23

Title: The One That Got Away Hancock.
posted by From Bklyn at 1:38 AM on April 23 [1 favorite has favorites]

FWIW I would totally watch any of these movies over watching Crash again.

I see your Crash and raise you Every Which Way But Loose.
posted by Pope Gustafson I at 1:46 AM on April 23

Actually, 2 Fast 2 Furious is a very underrated film, especially when read as a parody of the first film (which itself comes pretty close to self-parody). Roger Ebert explains it very well.
posted by rottytooth at 5:38 AM on April 23

Pope Gustafson I - What? are you some kind of monkey hater?
posted by Artw at 8:11 AM on April 23

Gah, Crank. Note the similarities to Speed, and ponder the possibility that the whole movie was based on a pun.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:25 AM on April 23

Title: KNOTS

Logline: Spirits push four families down the chilling path of their antique furniture and towards the horific discovery from where the wood originated.They try to right the wrong and settle the spirits.

Synopsis:
After purchasing their antique furniture from diferent locations. Four seperate families figure out that their furniture is haunted. In the hunt for the facts they slowly come together and figure out the haunting and horiffic past from where the wood came from. With a twist at the end. Have to see it all to get the full story.

Oh, yes, I do have to see it all. Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaase let me see it all.
posted by Skot at 9:52 AM on April 23

(A ROCKING CHAIR is seen. Gradual zoom in. It rocks malevolently.)

ROCKING CHAIR: (VO) Little does this family know that at midnight I will cut their throats while they sleep!

(Rocking, rocking.)

ROCKING CHAIR: (VO) Rats, I have no arms nor means of locomotion.

(Cut to: An OTTOMAN.)

OTTOMAN: (VO) HAIL SATAN! (Pause.) There's a cat on me.
posted by Skot at 10:02 AM on April 23 [12 favorites has favorites]

In other "OMG I can't believe how bad this movie is" news, check out the trailer for "After Last Season". Can this possibly even BE a real movie? [previously]
posted by dersins at 10:58 AM on April 23

Hello, my name is J. Pierpont Fatwallet and I would like to use my billions to bankroll the production of each and every film treatment on equerydirect.com.
posted by Spatch at 11:13 AM on April 23

I'm disappointed it wasn't titled The Fast and the Fourious. Or, Four Fast, Four Furious.

My choice would be More fast and furiouser.
posted by Anything at 2:02 PM on April 23

Title: FROZEN ICONS

Logline: Terry Fosco thought she could plan and control everything, but falling in love with your sperm donor is as out of control as it gets; Frozen Icons, a deslecsic [sic] love story.

Why does this make me think of fr0zen & xteraco?
posted by desjardins at 2:26 PM on April 23

OTTOMAN: (VO) There are teenage boys humping me.
posted by desjardins at 2:28 PM on April 23 [1 favorite has favorites]

The Slow and the Stoic?
posted by ODiV at 3:35 PM on April 23

The Trotting and the Temperate.
posted by cortex at 3:35 PM on April 23

The Lazy and the Listless
posted by Sys Rq at 10:28 AM on April 24

The Moseying and the Musing
posted by cortex at 10:47 AM on April 24

The Non-Fast and Non-Furious
posted by Sys Rq at 10:52 AM on April 24

The Pokey and the Passive
posted by dersins at 11:12 AM on April 24

The Inert and the Insouciant
posted by FelliniBlank at 11:31 AM on April 24

The Deliberate and the Delightful
posted by From Bklyn at 11:46 AM on April 24

Followed by, 2 Deliberate 2 delightful
posted by From Bklyn at 11:47 AM on April 24

I thought the sequel was 2 Legit 2 Quit.
posted by dersins at 11:48 AM on April 24

2 Wretched 2 Watch
posted by Sys Rq at 5:53 PM on April 26

And I thought Not Another Gay Movie was the worst movie I've seen drunk...
24 more days before it's released. I'm going to start a countdown.
posted by joni. at 9:04 AM on May 2