tru? flse? Who cres!! its funE! txts frm lst nght!

April 27, 2009 11:09 AM

You wake up. Yawn. Wipe the sleep and other detritus that may have accumulated from your eyes. God, last night sure rocked. But... what did you do? It's all kind of hazy. Something about a bottle of rum, a statue, and some clown portraits by Red Skelton. Or at least you hope they were portraits. You remember sending out some text messages... but you'll be damned if you remember what they were. That's where Texts From Last Night comes in. Now your very possibly true, but most likely fake, nocturnal e-missives live on in the imaginations of the rest of the world forever. Much like your shame.
posted by tittergrrl (45 comments total)

(914): saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend

That's what friends are for!
posted by ob at 11:15 AM on April 27, 2009

Also this is hilarious:

(713): Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
(832): you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
posted by ob at 11:17 AM on April 27, 2009

Look, I'm going to stop this now, but this really is a comedy goldmine:

(870): do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
(1-870): well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
(870): what chic?
posted by ob at 11:18 AM on April 27, 2009

When I was drinking alcoholically in my twenties and thirties, black outs were a very common occurrence for me. Having any kind of tool to help with remembering, while perhaps embarrassing, would have been far better than the total fear of not knowing anything the next day. I am soooo glad I don't have to live like that anymore.
posted by netbros at 11:21 AM on April 27, 2009

This is too much like real life for me.

Great post title!
posted by sfts2 at 11:22 AM on April 27, 2009

(248): Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again

I hate it when my wife shares our stories with other people.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:31 AM on April 27, 2009

Pretty run of the mill until I fell in love with this one:

Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:34 AM on April 27, 2009

(647): Your tits are I can't wait for

Ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa!
Sadly, I've totally dated this guy.
posted by heyho at 11:38 AM on April 27, 2009

(254): I see lights
(512): Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
posted by gagglezoomer at 11:44 AM on April 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

(805): Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
(1-805): Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
posted by lohmannn at 11:45 AM on April 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

(486): I woke up this morning with a bad hangover and my penis was missing again. This happens all the time. It's detachable.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 12:00 PM on April 27, 2009 [4 favorites]

(310): I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
posted by nooneyouknow at 12:07 PM on April 27, 2009

(313): Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
(1-313): "omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"

my favorite so far.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 12:07 PM on April 27, 2009

(254): I see lights
(512): Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.

You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with a boarded front door.

There is a small mailbox here.
> examine mailbox
posted by spamguy at 12:07 PM on April 27, 2009 [9 favorites]

All of these text messages were actually sent to Ludacris. That's why the area codes are there.
posted by nasreddin at 12:08 PM on April 27, 2009 [3 favorites]

(914): ? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
(773): jesus mom
posted by CaptApollo at 12:08 PM on April 27, 2009 [10 favorites]

(512): You surviving the open bar?
(1-512): Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
posted by From Bklyn at 12:10 PM on April 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

(486): I woke up this morning with a bad hangover and my penis was missing again. This happens all the time. It's detachable.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 3:00 PM on April 27 [+] [!]

You know, I've always wondered....
posted by shoebox at 12:12 PM on April 27, 2009 [2 favorites]

These people are getting off easy. I once got blackout drunk and awoke the next morning to discover that at some point the night before I had gone onto a music site and downloaded a Toby Keith song.

I couldn't look at myself in the mirror for a week.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 12:13 PM on April 27, 2009

Blackout drinking is so funny!
posted by hermitosis at 12:15 PM on April 27, 2009

I'm calling shenanigans. These are WAY more coherent than any text message I've ever sent and regretted later (predictive text on the iPhone always makes for a laugh).
posted by cosmic osmo at 12:17 PM on April 27, 2009

My personal favorite story was blacking out while drinking out of a boot in a small bar in Belgium.

I came out of it in a nightclub, without any of my friends, having a conversation with a guy at the bar who was speaking Flemish - I don't even speak Flemish.

ah if only I had had a cell phone back then.....
posted by mannequito at 12:18 PM on April 27, 2009

Once in college I woke up to find out that I had kicked a good friend of mine in the nuts as a joke.

Twice.
posted by Mister_A at 12:19 PM on April 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

Actually, sometimes predictive text is a lifesaver. Like the time I drunkenly texted an ex "I love toy" instead of "I love you," which was, ridiculously, easier to explain.
posted by cosmic osmo at 12:22 PM on April 27, 2009

(310): i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.

Yep.
posted by Skot at 12:24 PM on April 27, 2009

Best -- and I mean this -- of the web.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 1:03 PM on April 27, 2009

(949): Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
(503): You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
posted by doobiedoo at 1:11 PM on April 27, 2009 [2 favorites]

These seem totally real to me..

(805): Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
(1-805): Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:13 PM on April 27, 2009

Just submitted a good one, we'll see if it goes through.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:16 PM on April 27, 2009

Phones and telegraphs and the internet all have a myriad of uses beyond getting laid. Until Twitter came along I don't think I used texting for anything beyond that.
posted by The Devil Tesla at 1:20 PM on April 27, 2009

(202): Who haven't you slept with?
(703): No one comes to mind.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 1:22 PM on April 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

Still my favourite:
(503): Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
posted by slimepuppy at 1:48 PM on April 27, 2009

Nope. Not on there. I don't know whether to be relieved or disappointed.
posted by Space Kitty at 2:00 PM on April 27, 2009

Reminds me of overheardinnewyork.com.
posted by kisch mokusch at 2:17 PM on April 27, 2009

(479): She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.


Fake or not, that is a laugh.
posted by M Edward at 2:30 PM on April 27, 2009

(859): Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.

Is that an insult? A compliment? Backhanded?

I don't know, but I love it.
posted by LMGM at 3:02 PM on April 27, 2009

(973): oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick

Who said romance is dead?
posted by LMGM at 3:04 PM on April 27, 2009

OK, OK, last one:

(203): glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.

I wanted to say that this had lots of potential for double-entendre, but there's really only one entendre going on here.

buttseks
posted by LMGM at 3:07 PM on April 27, 2009

This website looks awesome, but my work won't let me look at it. DAMN YOU WORK!
posted by Bageena at 4:31 PM on April 27, 2009

These are retarded and contrived. Sites like Overheard in New York et al. are so much funnier.
posted by hpliferaft at 8:05 PM on April 27, 2009

(418): I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate

awww!
posted by metastability at 8:06 PM on April 27, 2009

(206): Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.

I don't know what that means. Although I'm not sure I want to.
posted by grouse at 8:35 PM on April 27, 2009

I don't care if these are real, they make me giggle.
posted by OmieWise at 6:39 AM on April 28, 2009

(310): I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
(1-310): Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo

Why do I think this is so funny?
posted by Afroblanco at 7:49 PM on April 28, 2009

(714): OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign

This thing is a comedy goldmine.
posted by Navelgazer at 10:36 AM on April 30, 2009