Armchair pediatrician

April 28, 2009 6:28 PM

Do you have a rash? Is your knee deformed? Why does my tooth hurt? (and other fun medical flow charts)

For the paranoids and hypochondriacs among us.

Gross, but oddly fascinating...

(Full list of symptoms here)

posted by puckish (18 comments total)

More diagrams to put AskMeFi out of business.

Where's the Should-I-Eat-This flow chart?
posted by rokusan at 6:41 PM on April 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'd bet donuts to dollars the HMOs and health insurance companies have a version like this:

1. Does the patient have dark urine and/or a yellow discoloration of your skin or eyes along with other cold and flu symptoms?
      Yes --> Patient may have HEPATITIS, a disease that causes liver inflammation and is most commonly caused by a virus.
                  --> OPEN INVESTIGATION FOR PRE-EXISTING; PATIENT WAS PROBABLY SOME KIND OF A HEROIN ADDICT OR DRUNKARD.

No -->

2. Does patient have cold and flu symptoms along with nausea, vomiting and/or diarrhea?
      Yes --> Patient may have viral GASTROENTERITIS (stomach flu).
            --> ENSURE CLAIM IS LOST FOR 180 DAYS, IF CONTACTED ADVISE REGIONAL SERVICES IS WORKING TO FIND IT.

No -->

3. Does patient have pain in the middle or lower right side of abdomen, and has patient lost appetite?
      Yes --> Patient has APPENDICITIS, an inflammation of the appendix, or a BOWEL OBSTRUCTION.
            --> BENEFITS SHALL ONLY COVER OUTPATIENT EXAMINATION AND ASPIRIN 100 MG 4 QID; DENY SURGERY UNLESS DIAGNOSIS INDICATES PERITONITIS.
posted by crapmatic at 6:46 PM on April 28, 2009 [4 favorites]

Is there a do I have swine flu chart? Because that will become very popular, I'm sure.
posted by ob at 6:46 PM on April 28, 2009

1. Did you have an
injury that knocked out  → yes →  You have TOOTH LOSS.  →→  DENTAL EMERGENCY
a tooth?

posted by Korou at 6:49 PM on April 28, 2009

I know that were I to get a tooth knocked out, the first thing I'd do is consult the interweb to determine what may be causing the pain in my mouth.
posted by pompomtom at 6:51 PM on April 28, 2009

There's also MEDgle.

In print there is also the American Medical Association Family Medical Guide with "What Are Your Symptoms" flow-charts, etc.
posted by ericb at 7:10 PM on April 28, 2009

Flowchart, quick version:

Are you hurt?
-> no -> you are OK
-> yes -> see your doctor
posted by digsrus at 7:29 PM on April 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

> Is there a do I have swine flu chart? Because that will become very popular, I'm sure.

Sure there is, just check this here link.
posted by revmitcz at 7:56 PM on April 28, 2009

> Where's the Should-I-Eat-This flow chart?

Well, it's not a flowchart, but there is Still Tasty.
posted by Decimask at 8:02 PM on April 28, 2009

Is there a do I have swine flu chart? Because that will become very popular, I'm sure.

----------------------   ------------------------
| You have swine flu | → | You are going to die |
----------------------   ------------------------

posted by Krrrlson at 8:17 PM on April 28, 2009

Wow, I've seen these "expert systems" before, and even wrote a program once to parse them and interview the user with a bunch of yes/no questions. The result was always "you may have BRAIN CANCER or you may be PREGNANT"
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 8:23 PM on April 28, 2009

IS BABBY FORMED? -> YOU GET PRAGNENT
posted by qvantamon at 8:36 PM on April 28, 2009 [3 favorites]

RobotVoodooPower: I think most college health clinics use that program with a slight modification: instead of BRAIN CANCER, it's MONO.
posted by theclaw at 9:29 PM on April 28, 2009

Does it hurt when you do this?

If Yes: -- Don't do this.

If No: -- You're fine.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:59 PM on April 28, 2009 [2 favorites]

You have swine flu | → | You are going to die

I think it's more like...

                     → No → Have some soup, you're fine. ←
Are you in Mexico? -|                                      |
                     → Yes → Is rand(100)<6>                                                    
Though some sort of savings throw might be more accurate.

posted by rokusan at 12:51 AM on April 29, 2009

Wow preview stinks, ruining my bad joke.
posted by rokusan at 12:51 AM on April 29, 2009

I like how the first thing on the rash chart is "you got acne, looser", and the last is "you've got skin cancer and AIDS"

I hope no one has ever found out they have AIDS from an internet rash flow chart.
posted by fontophilic at 10:44 AM on April 29, 2009 [2 favorites]

I'm convinced that all WebMD flow charts lead to one of the following illnesses:

testicular cancer
AIDS
ebola

It doesn't matter your gender or risk profile...they all lead to those three.
posted by dasheekeejones at 10:56 AM on April 30, 2009