Wait... No Pirate Vs. Ninja?!
May 5, 2009 3:09 AM   Subscribe

Haven't you always secretly wondered what would happen if a ninja accidentally stumbled into, say, Bill and Ted's time traveling Phone Booth and ended up somewhere around 7th century BC, only to come face-to-face with a feisty Spartan? Have you not pondered what would happen if you locked up an Apache with a Gladiator inside some sort of 21st century battle dome? Are you frustrated because you feel like there's nobody doing proper scientific studies to see what would happen when you pit two historically violent warriors that could have never actually met in real life? Worry no more people - I present to you Spike TV's newest offering - Deadliest Warrior!

The show basically goes like this; you take two crazy fighters who, previous to the show, have only been pitted against one another in heated debates between young men in line for the midnight showing of the newest X-Men movie (or really awesome drunk people). The show's 'Host, Simulation Consultant, and Blogger', Max Geiger brings in experts representing each warrior. The experts bring in weapons that are historically accurate which are then tested on a variety of dummies that are stuffed with SCIENCE! The data from said SCIENCE! all goes into a computer simulation based on an unreleased commercial game engine by these guys. Not just the SCIENCE!, which is actually pretty cool (ballistics gel, pig carcasses, high speed photography), but also, as Max aptly put it:
"The simulation's inputs include real world scientific data gathered by one of my co-hosts, Geoff Desmoulin, who is getting his Ph.D. in Biomedical Engineering. Our number crunching is balanced out by Dr. Armand Dorian, an ER doctor who keeps our work firmly grounded in the actual trauma our tests cause."

The reviews are in! Variety seems to feel it might be possibly the stupidest show ever, appealing only to the lowest common denominator! Newsarama was a little nicer, pointing out that there are some people on the show trying to make it as scientific as it can possibly be, while also having a great time. Either way, do you care? Don't you want to watch a Viking fight a Samurai? Or a Pirate against a Knight? You can apparently only watch the latest episode on the website, here. Also, looking forward on the Wikipedia, it does look like the show might slip-slide from whatever tenuous grasp they have on ideas for fights as they start doing shows about William Wallace versus Shaka Zulu or finally, the IRA versus the Taliban.
I have only one thought. How could they have NOT had a Pirate versus Ninja episode? FAIL!
posted by Bageena (110 comments total) 10 users marked this as a favorite

 
No, I have never secretly wondered this. Not once. At least not since I turned twelve.
posted by tommyD at 3:25 AM on May 5, 2009


I'd like a show about Accounting. Many people think that Accounting is not exciting enough for its own show. They say "how can Accounting compete with ninjas and pirates?" But I say, "Accounting is exciting!" (That's what I say. Really!) And then I explain. Neither pirates nor ninjas can survive long without adequate Accounting. Soon everyone will know the truth about Accounting.
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:26 AM on May 5, 2009


I remember some skit from a tv variety show in the 80's where Bernadette Peters (or maybe Carol Kane?) did a musical number about accounting. It starts out boring and gets sort of raunchy as her imagination breaks out.

All I remember is "counting counting counting, counting numbers counting something..."

I haven't seen it in decades but I blame it for my ensuing lifelong "sexy librarian" fetish.
posted by rokusan at 3:41 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


Anyway, I'm glad someone is finally attempting to resolve the great Pirate vs Ninja debate, because Mythbusters really let us down there. Have you no shame, asavage?
posted by rokusan at 3:42 AM on May 5, 2009


I think it's sometimes inappropriate to compare, say "pirates" to ninjas because there is a broad range of pirates. Everything from ravenous pillagers to the Somali pirates who don't really seem to do much damage, they just demand ransom and then let people go. Also "Knight", i mean Paul McCartney is technically a "knight".
posted by delmoi at 3:43 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


Perhaps simply specifying with more accuracy? "Pirate like Captain Hook versus a Ninja like in Naruto"? "Knight in medieval plate mail versus Knight like Paul McCartney"?
posted by Scattercat at 3:57 AM on May 5, 2009


Paul McCartney enjoys defeating pirates.
posted by twoleftfeet at 4:01 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


What I really would have liked to have seen would have been a battle between the space people and the medieval folks and the Civil War chums. Tha park ranger, he could have jumped in there too. I wouldn't have minded that!
posted by orme at 4:04 AM on May 5, 2009 [2 favorites]


I watched that ninja vs. Spartan episode. This show has about as much Science! as Mythbusters, but less well-directed. The "experts function mostly as cheerleaders. I found the Spartan's Green Beret cheerleader especially annoying, even more than the ninja's black-belt cheerleaders. If they'd left out those guys, they'd have a half-decent half-hour show. If you are tempted to watch one of these, the action is all in the last ten minutes.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 4:19 AM on May 5, 2009


Yeah, I think they must prompt them to smack talk it up. That part gets a bit annoying. The Gladiator vs. Apache had my attention for about ten minutes, and then I realized their match-ups are a little wonky. I think they're just trying to make good tv.
posted by P.o.B. at 4:27 AM on May 5, 2009


Kirth Gerson: There isn't enough mustache in this show to make it Science!
posted by The Devil Tesla at 4:30 AM on May 5, 2009


If only they'd pitted a young man with a knife against a grizzly bear, assuming no element of surprise.
posted by The Monkey at 4:32 AM on May 5, 2009 [7 favorites]


all i can tell is that some of those pirate muskets would make my accounting office a lot more fun if they had them in the lunchroom.
posted by lester's sock puppet at 4:32 AM on May 5, 2009


The ninja vs. Spartan match up was disappointing because it really doesn't take into account the ninja's tactics.

As mentioned above, it would definitely be a better show if it were only thirty minutes long, but it's funny how the entire hour basically builds up to them crunching some numbers on a computer.
posted by drezdn at 5:08 AM on May 5, 2009


Also, at some point they need to branch out to animals and have a tiger fight a shark.
posted by drezdn at 5:09 AM on May 5, 2009


This sounds like a great series as long as each matchup lasts no longer than about 3 minutes. If the other 19 (or worse, 39) minutes are filled with dramatic zooms, booming voiceovers and musical stings, no thanks.
posted by DU at 5:17 AM on May 5, 2009


Also, at some point they need to branch out to animals and have a tiger fight a shark.


Once this happens, we'll have tapped right into Tracy Jordan's imagination and television will be all the better for it.
posted by Spatch at 5:19 AM on May 5, 2009 [2 favorites]


Haven't you always secretly wondered....

No.
posted by IndigoJones at 5:22 AM on May 5, 2009


I saw most of the Spartan vs. Ninja episode (I tuned out before the "epic battle" part), and at no time did they ever use the word "hoplite" despite showing one off for the better part of an hour, nor did they bother with the word "pankration."

I did like the shield-bash test... but the lack of maneuverability means a hoplite shield was pretty much useless in single combat. It was meant to be used in formation. And the swords were meant to be thrust, not slashed, so the "pig test" was pretty dumb, too.

I don't know too terribly much about ninjas, but they got the greek side of it pretty wrong... and it strikes me as stupid that they'd pit a spy/assasin specialist against heavy infantry in a stand-up fight. The combat styles and tactics are so different, it would boil down to a test of dumb luck rather than skill and armament.

So, overall, fail.
posted by Slap*Happy at 5:32 AM on May 5, 2009 [2 favorites]


People ask me about this sort of thing* because I do the SCA thing and, ergo, know everything there is to know about swords and the people who used them in all of history ever. They always seem kinda disappointed when I say something like, "It's like asking which is better, a circular saw or a torque wrench" and point out that everybody's gear is developed specifically for fighting the people and gear they were fighting.

Just because a Roman sword probably won't do diddly against 15th century plate armor I kinda doubt the Romans were a bunch wimps who'd drop like flies in a bar fight.

*Or want to tell me how they'd love to do the armored combat thing but with all their martial arts training are afraid they might accidentally kill someone.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 5:37 AM on May 5, 2009 [2 favorites]


Spike TV would be the ultimate guy channel if they were allowed to show boobs....
posted by Mastercheddaar at 5:56 AM on May 5, 2009 [2 favorites]


I dunno, Roman infantry did OK against the Clibanarii. Now, if the condottiere had war elephants and horse-archers, we'd be in business, unless you also gave the Romans jeeps and atl-atls. (I think this was covered in a Turtledove novel, where Sherman was up against Alexander at Bunker Hill.)
posted by Slap*Happy at 5:58 AM on May 5, 2009


I happened to catch the gladiator vs apache episode. Yeah, the action is all in the last 5-10 minutes. I had to leave before the follow-up samurai vs. viking episode got going--my vote was with the samurai (faster weapons).
posted by Decimask at 6:02 AM on May 5, 2009


Variety seems to feel it might be possibly the stupidest show ever

Ignoring all the "Reality" programming, G4TV had a game show where the winner was whoever vomited last and Discovery has a program where they show people breaking stuff in slow-motion for half an hour. So I don't even think this ranks in the top ten.

But yeah, I watched the online episode, and this premise sucks. It's a lame attempt to apply real-life science to the "Who Would Win?" articles in Wizard Magazine, except Batman vs. Daredevil makes more frigging sense than any of the ideas on this show.

The biggest handful of stupid here is how few of these warriors would ever actually fight in individual hand-to-hand combat, and how they weren't trained for that exactly for that reason. Ninjas were assassins and Spartans were trained to fight as a phalanx. But do not get me started on this pirate versus knight lunacy. They're arguing the hand-to-hand weapon and fighting skills of an upper-class elite who primarily fought on the battlefield (as opposed to show tournaments) using siege warfare and cavalry charges versus people who fought naval battles. You know, on the ocean. Where they don't have horses and castles. And they're arguing who would win if they were standing six feeyt apart from each other. A flintlock pistol wouldn't pierce plate armor? Well, great. Who gives a shit?

They're arguing this as if all the warriors were in some chronological vacuum where they wouldn't have adapted their technology to face alternative threats. Pirates didn't have weapons that pierced plate armor because they never needed them.

Jesus. It's like arguing whether Michael Jordan or Pete Sampras would be a better quarterback.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 6:11 AM on May 5, 2009 [10 favorites]


Also, Batman would win because he would quickly deduce Daredevil was blind.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 6:13 AM on May 5, 2009 [3 favorites]


Retarded is too kind a word for this. You can decide for yourself how inclusive 'this' is in my statement.
posted by spicynuts at 6:24 AM on May 5, 2009



Jesus. It's like arguing whether Michael Jordan or Pete Sampras would be a better quarterback.


You don't hang around too many guys, do you?
posted by spicynuts at 6:25 AM on May 5, 2009 [2 favorites]


I have a feeling that a Roman soldier or gladiator would have the upper hand on a knight, if only because with superior mobility, they could dodge and parry, then maneuver to a point where they could trip up the knight. Or just wear the guy carrying 70 lbs of armor out.

But yeah, it seems extraordinarily dumb to compare fighters who competed in single combat to those who worked in groups. 1 Ninja might defeat 1 Spartan, but 100 Ninjas probably couldn't defeat 50 Spartans.
posted by explosion at 6:49 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


Discovery has a program where they show people breaking stuff in slow-motion for half an hour

As long as you mean Smash Lab, and not Time Warp, we're cool. Because Time Warp is the best thing on TV. Which, okay, is like being the most popular kid at math camp, but still.
posted by uncleozzy at 6:49 AM on May 5, 2009


XQUZYPHYR - Pete Sampras for sure. But then he would get his ass beat down by Batman, who would - as you said - "quickly deduce" that Pete Sampras was inappropriately dressed for the occasion.

And then Batman would be eaten by Ego, The Living Planet. Or possibly Fin Fang Foom.
posted by cerulgalactus at 6:50 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


Jurassic Fight Club ftw.
posted by filthy light thief at 6:53 AM on May 5, 2009


Batman would not deduce. He is quicker than that. He would infer.
posted by srboisvert at 6:53 AM on May 5, 2009 [5 favorites]


He would infer.

Another reason: Bats are mammals.
posted by DU at 6:58 AM on May 5, 2009


1 Ninja might defeat 1 Spartan, but 100 Ninjas probably couldn't defeat 50 Spartans.

That was the same reaction I had in the Apache vs. Gladiator episode. Twenty Gladiators in the desert would result in 20 deaths by heat stroke. Twenty Apaches in the desert would result in a successful raid, a nicely appointed campsite, a tasty meal ...
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:02 AM on May 5, 2009


Jesus. It's like arguing whether Michael Jordan or Pete Sampras would be a better quarterback.

Oh, don't be so obtuse. I'm sure if I followed you around, I'd find you involved in any number of X vs. Y conversations that most people would find somewhat silly.

Jordan for the win at QB. At 6-foot-6, he has a better view over the defensive line. Sampras was only 6-foot-1.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:08 AM on May 5, 2009


It's like arguing whether Michael Jordan or Pete Sampras

Sampras. Skinny guys fight 'til they're burger.
posted by rokusan at 7:18 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


Unfortunately, they'll never address the matchup that truly needs to be explored in length: Batman vs Darth Vader.
posted by davelog at 7:25 AM on May 5, 2009 [2 favorites]


I don't care how stupid the show is as long as they can prove -- with science! -- how many five year olds could take you down.
posted by ardgedee at 7:26 AM on May 5, 2009


Sampras would have the better arm.
posted by effwerd at 7:28 AM on May 5, 2009


If the other 19 (or worse, 39) minutes are filled with dramatic zooms, booming voiceovers and musical stings, no thanks.

The other 39 minutes are filled with testostercheering and quasi-scientific tests of the weapons chosen for the combatants. "What kind of damage will the Spartan javelin inflict on this ballistic-gel torso?" That sort of thing.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 7:31 AM on May 5, 2009


I caught the Samurai vs. Viking episode. It was interesting. It involved more science than I expected - they were clearly trying to use the Mythbusters model. I thought Samurai vs. Viking was a decent match-up (much better than pirate vs. knight - WTF?). You had two great warriors who evolved in different times and places. Both relied on swords and armor, but both also brought really clever and effective weapons to the table that acted as wildcards in the final battle. The different approaches to fighting and battle tactics were also discussed. Even if the premise is silly and the fake taunting is unbearable, I thought it was a cool way to learn about each warrior, their weapons and tactics.
posted by bristolcat at 7:37 AM on May 5, 2009


After the first sack, it's Jordan all the way.
posted by box at 7:51 AM on May 5, 2009


Which show wins the following steel cage death-match? Deadliest Warrior vs Manswers? Mythbusters vs UFC? Gene Simmons vs Bridezillas Faux science vs boobs? Bloody Pummelling vs Advanced Nerdery?

Its TV. By far NOT The stupidest show on TV. Not close. Its like Pete Sampras vs The Spartan.
posted by sfts2 at 7:51 AM on May 5, 2009


I'm pretty sure that the total amount of serious-taking occurring in this thread is greater than that cumulatively expended by everyone involved in the making of this show. Coming up next on MeFiTV: Can a Metafilter commenter defeat an unarmed plate of beans?
posted by Horace Rumpole at 7:59 AM on May 5, 2009


Pirates vs. Accountants
posted by KirkJobSluder at 8:01 AM on May 5, 2009


I saw the Samurai vs. Viking episode, I found it entertaining. While the 'trash talk' was somewhat forced, the individual tests and demonstrations were interesting to me. The viking splitting the gel dummy's skull with one strike, the samurai taking out the dummy's eyes with a bow and arrow? I found that to be insane.

I admit I was kinda disappointed that they had two combat trained experts in their individual styles and they determined the winner by... computer calculations, but i guess You Can't Do That On Television.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 8:22 AM on May 5, 2009


I am guessing that all the 'warriors' in this show are fully nourished, healthy, and modern athletes. Let's see them do this with the actual warriors of the times - captured slaves, fed on hard tack, sleeping on the ground, malnourished, syphilitic, etc etc.
posted by spicynuts at 8:28 AM on May 5, 2009


From the same network that brought you MANSWERS!
posted by photoslob at 8:43 AM on May 5, 2009


I'm sorry...did you think Viacom, one of the biggest media conglomerates in the world, needed help from you advertising their program or are you just getting paid to do this?
posted by inoculatedcities at 9:03 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


I would note that Spike TV doesn't actually offer anything.
posted by IvoShandor at 9:03 AM on May 5, 2009


God, the Apache versus Gladiator show sucked.

I hate the fakety Dr. Science patina these shows go for, where it's essentially a garbage-in-garbage-out proposition. Gladiators were incredibly varied in their arms and tactics, and in the conditions they had to fight in. But Apaches could shoot them with bows. So let's test a bunch of irrelevant crap, slather on some butthurt experts getting all racial, and put the resulting spreadsheets into Doom and pronounce with certainty that this is fucking retarded and not at all any sort of reliable conclusion.

Also, Mr. T would eat Chuck Norris alive, no matter what your interwebs bullshit tells you.
posted by klangklangston at 9:12 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


Accounting can be tough. Just ask Herbert Kornfeld.
posted by mrbill at 9:13 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


(more Kornfeld, to help you get context)
posted by mrbill at 9:15 AM on May 5, 2009


I, for one, love the idea of this show, though the execution seems exceptionally poor.

I wonder why they can't do this with human combatants wearing suits rigged to register hits?

One thing I've noticed in watching lots of fencing and kendo matches is that a lot of exchanges that the rules "award" to one combatant or another look very much like they'd leave both duelists with serious -- sometimes fatal wounds -- if they'd occurred in real life.

I get the feeling that's what we'd see if they had this Viking v Samurai stuff done by actual humans wearing equipment that registered hits: sure, one guy chops the other's skull, but in the process they get stabbed in the gut.

The animal version of this show -- Animal Face-off -- I think had at least one episode where they theorized that the "winning" animal would have likely later died from the wounds it received during the fight.
posted by lord_wolf at 9:18 AM on May 5, 2009


Color me in love.

IN LOVE!
posted by Pecinpah at 9:20 AM on May 5, 2009


Batman ALWAYS wins, and his closest real-world counterpart is Michael Jordan.
posted by yhbc at 9:22 AM on May 5, 2009


What, and Scottie Pippen is Robin?
posted by spicynuts at 9:25 AM on May 5, 2009


It's not an exact match.

You will note that Batman never gave up super-heroin' for a couple years to play baseball.
posted by yhbc at 9:34 AM on May 5, 2009


Gene Simmons vs Bridezillas

Are you kidding? Simmons is a fat old man. The bridezillas would be fighting over his tongue* inside of thirty seconds.

* to be added to the corsage which, by the way, better be caught by their cousin Mitzi who gave them the dinette set and if anyone else gets it they will lose their eyes bitch.
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:40 AM on May 5, 2009 [2 favorites]




You will note that Batman never gave up super-heroin' for a couple years to play baseball.


Didn't he go to the dark side a few times, though?
posted by spicynuts at 9:42 AM on May 5, 2009


Batman never gave up super-heroin

Actually, I read on TMZ the other day that he's on super-methadone maintenace.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:47 AM on May 5, 2009


Of course not. Nobody gives up super-heroin.
posted by clockzero at 9:47 AM on May 5, 2009


Call me when they do Monkey vs Robot.
posted by owtytrof at 9:47 AM on May 5, 2009


So this is like Celebrity Deathmatch, but using computer simulations to determine how much damage Doogie Howser could really inflict on Fiona Apple?

... I guess I'm down with that.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 9:51 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


I just discovered this show a few nights ago.


>Yeah, I think they must prompt them to smack talk it up.

And at spear-point, judging by their authenticity. Although in the case of a few of the experts, it seems like their self-image really is put at risk by the possibility of defeat... the moist-eyed shame was a slightly disconcerting touch.

In any case, the chatter is mildly annoying, but I could watch footage of a halberd tearing into a ballistic gel torso pretty much endlessly.

Also, given the blatant focus on the male reptile-brain, I'm surprised at the show's total absence of cleavage. I would have thought the producers would take any opportunity at all to shoehorn in some pretty staff member, at least... but no, it's just a bunch of guys with weapons looking over the shoulder of a guy with a computer.
posted by darth_tedious at 10:00 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


Cue The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny.
posted by fings at 10:04 AM on May 5, 2009


And now for something completely different Plants vs. Zombies.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 10:27 AM on May 5, 2009


I haven't seen this show yet, but a couple of co-workers approached me with the hypothetical pirate versus knight scenario, and I mapped out why armor wouldn't be all that useful against even primitive firearms let alone what most pirates would be using, but if those were taken out of the equation for some reason, on a melee focused combat field, knights would mop the floor with pirates.

Maybe I should watch the show and see what they thought.
posted by quin at 10:32 AM on May 5, 2009


Mr. T does his civic duty..
posted by Kirth Gerson at 11:07 AM on May 5, 2009


A friend of mine who's pretty high up in the National Geographic TV hierarchy always tosses out this idea for a series after a few beers: Battle of the Indigenous People!

Can the Yanomami defeat the headhunters of Borneo? Will the Inuit harpoon the Navajo like polar bears? Can the Lapps herd a clan of Congolese pygmies...to their DOOM?
posted by gottabefunky at 11:08 AM on May 5, 2009


"Paul McCartney enjoys defeating pirates."

Oh, I bet he does. Too bad he doesn't.

Pirates Google beats McCartney!
posted by markkraft at 11:09 AM on May 5, 2009


You know, in all honesty, I don't think SpikeTV would be all that terrible if they'd only get rid of the constant EXTREME!!! TO THE MAX!!! voiceover douchebaggery.

...and all the shows.

I find it really, really insulting that a "network for men" should gear all its programming to 12-year-olds, but I guess that's probably because I'm a pussy.

What's funny, though, is that SpikeTV used to be The Nashville Network.
posted by Sys Rq at 11:10 AM on May 5, 2009


erm... let me try that again.

Pirates Google beats McCartney!

(I hear that Pirates Bay search engine does a pretty good job of doing it, too.)
posted by markkraft at 11:11 AM on May 5, 2009


I'm sorry...did you think Viacom, one of the biggest media conglomerates in the world, needed help from you advertising their program or are you just getting paid to do this?

Caught! Shit! I guess I should hold back my groundbreaking post on an upcoming episode of MTV's Cribs. It was gunna be a good one too. There goes my mortgage payment.
posted by Bageena at 11:13 AM on May 5, 2009


As long as you mean Smash Lab, and not Time Warp, we're cool. Because Time Warp is the best thing on TV.

Smash Lab was (is?) "let's invent ridiculous solutions to problems that don't exist. We're engineers, but we're not going to do any math, so we'll just build stuff and hope for the best." Spazzy girl survived the season two reorganization, and we met Reverend Gadget, added in a presumptive attempt to save the show.

Time Warp is "let's take three seconds and stretch it into a fifteen-minute segment. That'll be fun, right?" I do not want to watch Metallica spit fly through the air in slow motion. How are juggled chainsaws improved by 3000fps? The bullet vortex was cool, but the signal to noise ratio is really low.

My lawn. You're on it.
posted by lalas at 11:28 AM on May 5, 2009


This show is bloody awful. Ninja versus Spartan? Really? Ninja poisons/stabs the spartan while he sleeps. Game over. No sensible ninja is going toe to toe with a spartan because running the hell away is always going to be an option.
posted by juv3nal at 11:34 AM on May 5, 2009


How are juggled chainsaws improved by 3000fps?

That question is its own answer.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:35 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


Problems with Time Warp:

The bald dude explains physics like a camp counselor.
The bald dude is frequently wrong about physics (you can't just exclaim "Force vectors!" like it means something).
They show the same segments in different shows, so if you've seen three episodes, you've effectively seen two thirds of every other episode.
Oh, the Bromanity. The interesting part of fire breathing is in the fire, not the chicks in bikinis.
That fucking announcer makes a dumb show dumber with his nudge-nudge mien and crappy entendres.
The eight seconds of coolness is surrounded by half an hour of recaps, set-up, stupidity and the two mooks they have hosting.
That bald host acts just like an asshole I knew in college (perhaps not his fault, but seriously, Greg Epstein was an egomaniacal douche in a shitty band, and he looked and talked exactly like this guy).

I would seriously rather watch How It's Made for hours.

I mean, doesn't Spike understand that dudes don't need to be pandered to? It's like hanging out with a televised version of Why Do These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock.
posted by klangklangston at 12:33 PM on May 5, 2009


Wow, it sure sounds like lots of you watch some pretty shitty shows on TV.
posted by paisley henosis at 12:48 PM on May 5, 2009


I would say Spike probably understands their target demo extremely well and you are not it.
posted by spicynuts at 12:48 PM on May 5, 2009


Also, I saw the version of this show with animal fights on it a while back and was absolutely floored at how much hand-waving they used to make up for the fact that the match-ups were asinine. How is clamping steel teeth onto a ballistic gel torso which mimics an unprotected human body anything like the rows and rows of sharp but constantly falling out teeth of a great white shark biting into the scaly, armored hide of a saltwater crocodile? How is it even close?
posted by paisley henosis at 12:51 PM on May 5, 2009


Problems with Time Warp:

To be fair, I generally "watch" Time Warp while I cook dinner or vacuum, and rewind if I miss one of the good bits. So you may be right. It's still probably the best thing on TV.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:56 PM on May 5, 2009


I never worry, I know what to do in case of attack
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 12:57 PM on May 5, 2009


Premise reminds me of the Lost Platoon.
“I am guessing that all the 'warriors' in this show are fully nourished, healthy, and modern athletes.”
Argued with someone about that a bit back. Whether modern warriors could compete with the ancient ones. Say a Spartan vs. a modern special forces operator. I kept getting narrowed down: Modern warriors are supported by a far larger array of … “ok, without the infrastructure” well, modern health care alone… “no, without that” ok, well, nutrition and protein levels, especially for Americans… “I’m saying without the diet.” Uh…a modern warrior has probably studied ancient techniques so knows more than “I mean if he didn’t.” Modern weaponry “without modern weaponry, just hand to hand, because that’s all they did back then was practice hand to hand” Ok…I think Matt Hughes or Nogueira… “Not professionals.” Then Rulon Gardner easily… “Not someone in the Olympics.” Etc. etc.
You can’t really argue these things on any realistic basis.

“The ninja vs. Spartan match up was disappointing because it really doesn't take into account the ninja's tactics.”

Yeah, I saw this show. One guy actually said during the show that it was all silly because the ninja would just sneak in and kill the Spartan in his sleep instead of fighting toe to toe. Well, yeah....so we're watching this - why?
But this entire thing is also predicated on the myth of the single heroic combatant being a factor in the course of a battle. Started with Achilles I suppose. And maybe back in the day of Alexander, one great leader could pull it off. But so much depends on the terrain, goals, opportunities, political and economic matters, manipulation, etc. etc. the matter of force of arms is almost negligible.

I mean - Hernán Cortés vs. the Aztec empire. From just the ‘scientific’ data, few hundred conquistadors vs. hundreds of thousands of Aztec warriors, seems a little one sided, no?

But without Jedi vs. Fremen this is all academic. Anyway Abraham Lincoln would kick Batman’s ass. Unless he caught him at the theater.
posted by Smedleyman at 1:28 PM on May 5, 2009


C'mon, Lincoln is Batman. Everyone knows that.

It's why you never see them in the same place at the same time.
posted by quin at 1:49 PM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


I want starship captain versus lizard man.
posted by GuyZero at 1:52 PM on May 5, 2009


I mean - Hernán Cortés vs. the Aztec empire. From just the ‘scientific’ data, few hundred conquistadors vs. hundreds of thousands of Aztec warriors, seems a little one sided, no?

Related: I've no idea whether it's historically accurate or not, but the conquistador section of Guns, Germs, and Steel makes for fascinating tv.
posted by juv3nal at 1:56 PM on May 5, 2009


Also, at some point they need to branch out to animals and have a tiger fight a shark.

They already did that show in the exact same format.
posted by P.o.B. at 2:26 PM on May 5, 2009


Jedi vs. Fremen

Are we talking book Fremen or the David Lynch weirding-way Fremen?

They'll win either way, but the second way would be more showy.
posted by winna at 2:32 PM on May 5, 2009


Navajo warrior beats gladiator because the desert is hot.
Space marine beats Navajo because the M41A has a hundred bullets in the magazine.
Aliens beat space marines because the M41A only has a hundred bullets in the magazine.
Predator beats Alien.
Danny Glover beats Predator.
Mel Gibson beats Danny Glover (I'm getting too old for this...)
English archers beat Scottish clansmen.
Joan of Arc beats the English. (and aerobics instructors)
French knights lose to vikings when fighting in the North Sea. (where longboat > horse)
Spartan beats viking. (sure, why not?)
Samurai beats Spartan if the Spartan isn't standing next to many other Spartans.
Pirate beats samurai if the pirate is sufficiently drunk.
Ninja beats pirate by attacking when the pirate is asleep.
I am an insomniac...


Meanwhile, in the superheavyweight division...

Batman beats Darth Vader at karaoke.
Sampras beats Jordan as a quarterback because Jordan's baseball career has already proven he should stick with basketball.
Indiana Jones goes down because Han shoots first.
Bill and Ted beat everyone due to time travel omnipotence.
Marty McFly beats Bill and Ted.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 2:41 PM on May 5, 2009 [2 favorites]


Greatest living samurai is a TV sensation
posted by homunculus at 2:42 PM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


“C'mon, Lincoln is Batman. Everyone knows that.
It's why you never see them in the same place at the same time”

But the beard…no, wait, it’s a mask! It’s all coming together now!

So – Heinlein book starship trooper vs. Star Wars clone commandos. Sith vs. The Hulk...
Y’know, it’s like pro-wrassin’, nothing ever really gets settled with finality. And yet, combat is the ultimate finality. You succeed or die, luck counts, and fairness is irrelevant.
posted by Smedleyman at 3:03 PM on May 5, 2009


If only stations had the foresight to announce what upcoming shows were scheduled... maybe a clip of the show, followed with a listing of the day and time it would air. But keep it short, maybe 30 seconds or so. Maybe exactly 30 seconds.

But alas, just a pipe dream.
posted by Ynoxas at 3:15 PM on May 5, 2009


klangklangston: Isn't that the whole point of the Spike channel?

In general though, I think these concept needs more Henry Rollins, because adding an aging punk star with no neck to geek sports is critically necessary in this day and age.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 3:21 PM on May 5, 2009


This conversation is awesome.
posted by Bageena at 3:58 PM on May 5, 2009


an aging punk star with no neck

Zen riddle: If Henry Rollins has no neck, what's that Black Flag tattoo on the back of?
posted by Sys Rq at 4:12 PM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


The bottom of his head and the top of his shoulders.
posted by GuyZero at 4:16 PM on May 5, 2009


Also, I'm doing that one-hand-clapping thing.
posted by GuyZero at 4:17 PM on May 5, 2009


"what's that Black Flag tattoo on the back of?"

*inserts Nervous Breakdown* *walks away*
posted by Smedleyman at 4:41 PM on May 5, 2009


I get the feeling that this show isn't too popular among MeFi members, but the "testostocheering" by the show's "experts" is some funny tv.
When the ninja expert taunted his opponent by saying about the shuriken, "oh yeah, let's see how you like four razor sharp blades FLYING AT YOUR FACE!" I lost it. That's gonna be one of my favorite lines of the year for sure.

SpikeTV may generally suck a dick along with the rest of Viacom's programming, but at least they can present UFC in a generally professional and enjoyable way.
posted by BillBishop at 4:43 PM on May 5, 2009


juv3nal Guns, Germs, and Steel makes for fascinating tv.

The book is pretty good, too.
posted by paisley henosis at 5:45 PM on May 5, 2009


I always thought it was a weird title, though, I mean, aren't guns made out of steel? If you have guns, don't you pretty much always have steel?
posted by paisley henosis at 5:46 PM on May 5, 2009


If you have guns, don't you pretty much always have steel?

Not necessarily.
posted by uncleozzy at 5:55 PM on May 5, 2009


undead samurai wins against everyone.
posted by darkripper at 6:47 PM on May 5, 2009


I propose a tag line for SpikeTV that I think encapsulates it perfectly:

"Don't Worry. You're Not Gay. Just Stupid."
posted by tkchrist at 7:16 PM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


Funniest show on TV.
posted by NoMich at 7:18 PM on May 5, 2009


Ultradome looks more my cup of tea, despite the hugely annoying Milo V being involved. Spartans vs Vikings? Meh. Give me Harrison Ford as Han Solo vs Harrison Ford as Indy
posted by Sparx at 2:08 AM on May 6, 2009


This show needs to do Jedi vs. Klingon for the finale.
posted by drezdn at 9:28 AM on May 7, 2009


On the "recommendation" of this thread, I've downloaded and watched an episode of Time Warp. I agree that it's about the same lame level as the forced, low-browism of Smash Lab. That said, this one is a pretty good show for (my) kids because even if the talking is stupid they can still see what's going on with some of these things.
posted by DU at 5:44 PM on May 11, 2009


From what I've seen of Time Warp, it would be awesome in five minute chunks, or a montage of just the money shots.
posted by drezdn at 5:28 PM on May 12, 2009


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