Verbing the Noun, if you know what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink.

October 3, 2009 5:34 PM

"They spent the entire weekend licking the underside of the airbags. Or sowing oats with the pepperoni calzone. Or Martinizing the Twinkie. Or messaging* the hand grenade.The Euphemismator provides randomly-generated euphemisms (like the previously MeFi-ed Always Amusing Euphemism Generator, but with the option to 'lock' parts of the phrase to seek out the best combinations). Or try out the more comlex algorithm of Toykeeper.net's Euphemism Generator. Politics has even gotten involved with the Obama-Matic (TM) Content-Free Euphemism Generator (funnier than 99% of right-wing humor, but isn't there anybody in the Teabag Blogoshpere who can automate it, like somebody did to Wondermark's Genre-Fiction Generator [previously here]?)

* yes, it said 'messaging' not 'massaging'. Subtle but important difference.

And I can't believe I created this post without the aid of The Generator Blog, which may have been put out of business by the All-Purpose Generator Creator.

posted by wendell (33 comments total)

...with the option to 'lock' parts of the phrase to seek out the best combinations

This reminds me vaguely of Dawkins' program to evolve a phrase from Hamlet out of randomly selected characters. Except we keep the silly bits instead of getting rid of them.

Oh well. Scarfing the pepperoni calzone and renormalizing the martini sound really good right about now. I think I'll go do that.
posted by Avelwood at 5:55 PM on October 3

Man, I would check this out. But I have been "phoning the chocolate goat" since last night.
posted by munchingzombie at 6:12 PM on October 3 [3 favorites]

I know what you mean, I've been spending a lot of time munching the zombie myself. When I'm not aveling the wood.
posted by wendell at 6:15 PM on October 3

If licking the underside of the airbags is a euphemism for something, it's a Rule 34 of something I never want to see.
posted by DU at 6:27 PM on October 3 [2 favorites]

"Even though the train was crowded, they were squeezing the bejeezus out of the the Donkey Kong Jr."
posted by Decimask at 6:29 PM on October 3

"Between classes, they were caressing the Papa Smurf."

I'm not sure if this is scarier if it is or isn't a euphemism.
posted by The Whelk at 6:30 PM on October 3 [4 favorites]

"She knew he was a keeper when he was feeling up the womp rat."

Book. Marked. Awesome.
posted by Decimask at 6:30 PM on October 3

You can't blame him for enjoying the taste of the fire hose.

It says so much about who we are, really.
posted by idiopath at 6:36 PM on October 3 [2 favorites]

The Star Wars references in there are great, just for the variety of things you can do to jawas, banthas, padawans, ewoks, various-colored lightsabers, Darth Vader or Jar Jar Binks.
posted by wendell at 6:40 PM on October 3

I'd look at these links, but I'm too busy paying strippers to hit me in the face.
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 6:48 PM on October 3 [1 favorite]

Brought this to mind.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 6:54 PM on October 3 [1 favorite]

Ah, the guy on the bus was 'strangling the longshoreman', the machine tells me.
posted by eegphalanges at 6:56 PM on October 3

Under the covers they were going down on the Harry Potter.

book-related euphemisms. yummy!
posted by aetg at 6:57 PM on October 3

Some of the verb choices are not nearly euphemistic enough. "going down on"?
posted by wendell at 7:21 PM on October 3

I, too, am in heaven when he's bending the Bob Dole.
posted by Rinku at 7:26 PM on October 3

I love it when she keeps her high heels on when she's licking every inch of the beaver.

This thing needs to try harder.
posted by axiom at 7:36 PM on October 3

Click Face: receive Meme
posted by Freen at 7:45 PM on October 3 [3 favorites]

"They spent the entire weekend licking the underside of the airbags. Or sowing oats with the pepperoni calzone. Or Martinizing the Twinkie.

"The sheer imagination with which they sabotaged their masters' possessions -- the disgusting yet pointless precision of their minor vandalism -- was a continuing source of puzzlement to me when I arrived at the Island. At the very first, I was shocked. I had sacrificed everything, been extraordinarily lucky, to join the Island's staff. The virtual slavery of our position wasn't just better than the chaos of the mainland; it was a gift of salvation. Of grace.

"So at first I was shocked. And then I settled into my new role, got used to regular meals and shelter. Without death standing so close, I understood how the staff could resent the masters, even when they had given us safety. I assumed that the minor acts of rebellion -- glazing the microwave, flushing the rugs, twiddling a prize dog -- were driven by some innate sense that one person should not serve another. Not completely. Not without recourse. Not at the point of a knife.

"But even that explanation seems naive to me now. Could some wellspring of humanity really explain the entire weekends, those precious days when the masters left on their boats, spent putting Heinz on the carburetors, giving the lightbulbs a double screw, or filtering Scotch the hard way?

"No. Here's what I think it comes down to. We had lost our culture -- our currency -- our families -- our titles and degrees -- our pop songs and summer blockbusters -- our politics and laws. We had no possessions.

"We filled the void with our pranks.

"If you wanted to train revolutionaries, there were worse ways to start."

Sorry, I didn't think this post was complete without the full quote.
posted by jhc at 7:47 PM on October 3 [7 favorites]

They spent the entire weekend licking the underside of the airbags. Or sowing oats with the pepperoni calzone. Or Martinizing the Twinkie. Or messaging* the hand grenade.

I saw those first four sentences, and thought, "Here's someone who has raised sheep."
posted by StickyCarpet at 7:50 PM on October 3 [1 favorite]

jhc, what is that quote from?
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 8:22 PM on October 3

I'm pretty sure he just made it up.
posted by empath at 9:16 PM on October 3

Of course, back in my day we called it
nibbling at the cave.
posted by xorry at 9:30 PM on October 3

She was shocked to walk in on her roommates when they were
juggling the pink cottom (sic) candy.

They spent the whole morning
cuddling the George Bush.

Once alone in the closet, they were
squeezing and sucking the hooters.

On lunch break, they quickly snuck home and began
riding the Stephen Hawking wheelchair.

You can't blame him for
arresting the mechanical pencil.

She got an A+ because she was
messaging the F-14 Tomcat.

She's an expert at
enjoying the taste of the squirrel food.

When no one was looking, they began
scratching the Ferrari Testarossa.


Epic FAIL.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:48 PM on October 3

"She always shuts her eyes when she's cutting the Higgs boson."

I think I'm in love.
posted by gc at 9:53 PM on October 3

wendell: "The Euphemismator provides randomly-generated euphemisms ... but with the option to 'lock' parts of the phrase to seek out the best combinations)."

It's like cracking the launch codes for the world's most destructive pickup line.

"How about a nice game of chess," indeed.
posted by Rhaomi at 10:10 PM on October 3 [2 favorites]

"No one was surprised when Paris Hilton was caught on video
massaging the scalar field."

My wife the physicist liked that one.

"In the back of the bus they were rebooting the scalar field." sound more like a Dr. Who episode.
posted by sebastienbailard at 11:07 PM on October 3

The alphabet thread's on U, dammit, none of these sentences begin with U.
posted by little e at 1:16 AM on October 4

She always shuts her eyes when she's
licking every inch of the pitcher's mound.

I love me some baseball.
posted by flippant at 2:10 AM on October 4

She excused herself to the bathroom and began shaking the Gates of Mordor.

My kind of girl.
posted by spacely_sprocket at 5:22 AM on October 4

jhc, what is that quote from?

It's from my forthcoming novel, "I Read Way Too Much Heinlein As A Child."

It'll probably be a limited run.
posted by jhc at 12:49 PM on October 4 [1 favorite]

Apparently I "spent the whole night grinding the mighty mouse". I don't recall that...and I didn't even have a drink last night!
posted by Eclipsante at 3:12 PM on October 4

i love your Calvin & Hobbes + Monty Python mashup in the tiltle :)
posted by liza at 3:31 PM on October 4

Martinizing the Twinkie? That's a great idea! I'm off to the bar.
posted by Theta States at 10:32 AM on October 5