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Erogenous headlines**
November 17, 2009 12:12 PM   Subscribe

For those of you, like me, who giggle uncontrollably at Jay Leno's "Headlines" schtick (but cannot stand him or the rest of his show) here's the screenshot version*. You can also get a daily dose of News Fail on the web via Probably Bad News. And the Media Relations blog has a "funny-headlines" tag that's worth a few extra gaffaws**.

*This also inexplicably includes screenshots of Leno delivering the punchlines. You can skip these, or not.

**You see what I did there.
posted by not_on_display (52 comments total) 9 users marked this as a favorite

 
Thanks! I love these.

Once when I was in high school I was reading one of the compilation books of these headlines in the computer room sitting in front of a monitor that was turned off and laughing my ass off. Someone came up behind me and thought I was cackling hysterically at the blank screen and was genuinely concerned that I had lost it.
posted by Kimberly at 12:22 PM on November 17, 2009


**You see what I did there.

Intentionally misspelled "guffaws"?
posted by mudpuppie at 12:23 PM on November 17, 2009


gaffe+guffaw
posted by flatluigi at 12:24 PM on November 17, 2009


One of the funniest ads I have ever seen was a magazine promotional ad for a television show. Across the top of the ad it said, "Fresh Comedy This Fall." The rest of the ad was a photo of Jay Leno.
posted by flarbuse at 12:25 PM on November 17, 2009 [9 favorites]


Gaffaw: n. A contraction of "guffaw" (loud, boisterous laughter) and "gaff" (a mistake or error)

Word of the year, 2010.
posted by filthy light thief at 12:26 PM on November 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


You know, I like "Headlines," but there's nothing funny about fattoush. Nothing.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:29 PM on November 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


That site does some crazy fucked up shit to my browser history.
posted by autodidact at 12:30 PM on November 17, 2009 [5 favorites]


The rest of the ad was a photo of Jay Leno.

For whatever reason, his show is promoted mostly through his display of wacky news-clippings humor. Not caring to watch the show, I assume he's become the Jack Canfield (or Mark Victor Hansen, you choose) of talk-show comedians, a clearing house for vaguely amusing anecdotes from the world at large. (Seriously, over 100 "Chicken Soup for the ___" books?)
posted by filthy light thief at 12:30 PM on November 17, 2009


This is exactly the sort of thing someone might actually want to visit the NBC website for, had they not made it an unnavigable mess.
posted by roll truck roll at 12:35 PM on November 17, 2009 [6 favorites]


A deputy checked and found the people were not suspicious, but merely Canadian.

That amuses me to no end.
posted by never used baby shoes at 12:46 PM on November 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


I happen to like Jay Leno and think he got a bum deal.
posted by jefficator at 12:46 PM on November 17, 2009


I've no idea how it happened, but I just spent the last twenty minutes jumping from hecklers going after Richard Herring and Joe Rogan to other comedians. Responding to hecklers is definitely a skill. Not sure why I was doing that, it seems apropos of nothing, except that I now wish someone would heckle Jay Leno live, just to see how he deals with that occupational hazard. Will he crack under the stress, flip out, and finally put his audience in its place? Will he wilt and falter under the scorn of dumb guffaws and chuckles?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:52 PM on November 17, 2009


I happen to like Jay Leno and think he got a bum deal.

I'm generally not one to challenge personal taste, but what could you possibly "like" about one of the most horrendous "comedians" to ever host a talk show?
posted by lattiboy at 12:53 PM on November 17, 2009


If you read below the images, there is a little caption, a transcription, I presume, of Leno's narration of the sequence. Their advertisement model is to randomly replace one of the images you are viewing with an ad. But the narration remains.

Caption: "a truly unfortunate slogan" Image: sprint's latest ad campaign.

I was able to determine that the sprint campaign was not the original content, but backing up and going forward again and seeing the version without the ad.I think this interface may end up annoying some of the advertisers paying to be on the page.
posted by idiopath at 12:59 PM on November 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


So, it basically distills a mediocre talk show into a microversion of FAIL blog? That's... oddly noble.
posted by mccarty.tim at 1:03 PM on November 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


Not really a headline, but I work in publishing, we put out some travel guides. One book was a travel guide for the whole of the USA. When looking at the map included of the US, right outside of Chicago, I spotted a small red dot with tiny text that read "My House". Probably the discreet work of the cartographer. ! Ha!
posted by JBennett at 1:07 PM on November 17, 2009


I like the "Judge Tells Panel to Look at His Porn" one 'cause that's not a mistake or a poor choice of words or anything. That's exactly what the article was about.
posted by Doublewhiskeycokenoice at 1:10 PM on November 17, 2009


Oh, wow, I used to love these when I was a teenager. And some of them still make me giggle, especially the Sponge Bob wallet one.
posted by marginaliana at 1:19 PM on November 17, 2009


However, seeing the screenshots of Leno giving his punchline is very, um.
posted by marginaliana at 1:20 PM on November 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


There's almost always a giggle to be had in the "Headlines" piece and I used to make an effort to tune in on Mondays. Since Leno moved to 10pm I never remember to watch.

BTW, that website is horridable.
posted by bz at 1:21 PM on November 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


"You know people come to America from all around the world... But sometimes, things just don't translate... [ad for 'Fattoush Lebanese Cafe & Catering']"

You're serious? The punchline is that the word "fattoush" looks funny/somewhat like the English phrase "fat tush"?

And people find this segment so compelling as to warrant a frame-by-frame archive online?

Well, to each their... ah fuck it. I'm going back to bed.
posted by wreckingball at 1:22 PM on November 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


I worked at a small newspaper for a couple years (on the production end, not as a writer), and these are all a lot funnier when you don't know the people who are writing this crap.

The worst one I can remember off hand: When the town had a cicada infestation a couple years back, the expert called down from UW-Madison to verify that they were, in fact, cicadas was referred to, not only throughout the article but in giant type in the FRONT PAGE HEADLINE, as an etymologist.

Comedy gold, until you have to load 27,000 of them onto a truck.
posted by Limiter at 1:30 PM on November 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


This is such a ripoff of Leterman's "Small Town News" bit!

(I keed.)
posted by Sys Rq at 1:46 PM on November 17, 2009


I worked in the production department of a small newspaper as well, back when it was all pasteboard and wax machines, and sometimes the temptation to not inform the copy editor on duty about some particular howler was massive. Ever since, I've wondered how many of these typos and copy errors were facilitated by mischievous or disgruntled staff.
posted by ardgedee at 1:50 PM on November 17, 2009


one of the most horrendous "comedians" to ever host a talk show?

What? I mean he's not a genius, but there are a lot worse. Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Chevy Chase (can be quite funny, but his talk show was atrocious), Magic Johnson, Carson Daly --- just to name a few late-night network talk show hosts that are worse.

(Jimmy Fallon is particularly bad... someone needs to put him out of his misery during those monologues...)
posted by wildcrdj at 1:51 PM on November 17, 2009


I saw Leno do stand-up in the the late 80's and remember genuinely enjoying his show, and I was one of those snotty, too-cool-for-school college DJ assholes that wouldn't play U2 or REM after they'd had hits.

In the years leading up to his ascension to The Tonight Show, I saw a ton of his stand-up on Comedy Central, Letterman, and other shows and still found him genuinely funny.

Anyhow, I say all this because when Leno finally did take over Tonight, I was stunned at how un-funny he was. At one point, brother man had some serious comedy chops - he probably still does. The cost of ratings dominance apparently is both one's soul and one's ability to make genuinely funny jokes.

After a fashion the story of Jay Leno is an odd kind of tragedy about a man getting everything he thought he wanted and coming out on the other side looking like kind of a dick.
posted by Joey Michaels at 1:54 PM on November 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


Sys Rq, Letterman's "Small Town News" actually was first, appearing on the old NBC show before Leno ever hosted the Tonight Show.
posted by gngstrMNKY at 2:03 PM on November 17, 2009


Oh!

In that case, I do not keed at all.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:13 PM on November 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


ardgedee: I don't know that we HAD a copy editor on duty. If something was seriously wrong with the paper, the press guys would often have to call and wake someone up to fix it, meaning often a 30 to 60 minute wait just for someone to reopen Word and hit the spellcheck button, then go burn all new plates for the press... Unless it was something that could get us sued or lose subscribers (which we were already hemorrhaging) it was mostly just shrugged off.
posted by Limiter at 2:16 PM on November 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


Limiter, please tell me you worked at the Gazette.
posted by dhartung at 2:20 PM on November 17, 2009


it was believed Leno would make between $25 million and $27 million per year

jefficator, please tell me which part of his $25 million is the "bum" part.
posted by dhartung at 2:22 PM on November 17, 2009


My favorite of these is still "Chitlins truck spills its load in Climax".
posted by BrotherCaine at 2:23 PM on November 17, 2009


dhartung: Got it in one.
posted by Limiter at 2:24 PM on November 17, 2009


I'm generally not one to challenge personal taste, but what could you possibly "like" about one of the most horrendous "comedians" to ever host a talk show?

I don't think he's funny either, but I like the guy himself. I understand that he still does standup at clubs 6 nights a week. Doesn't seem to be doing him much good, but that's some kind of work ethic.

Jimmy Fallon

Seriously, what is the deal with him having a show? Not only does he bomb constantly, but he knows he's bombing and it's all over his face, making it even worse is a vicious cycle of Jimmy Failon**.

I actually feel sorry for him when I think about it.
posted by cmoj at 2:34 PM on November 17, 2009


Oh Jimmy Fallon. I turned on his very first episode because I wanted to see the Roots Crew and couldn't make it halfway through.
posted by shakespeherian at 2:42 PM on November 17, 2009


Have you seen this, have you read this?
posted by turgid dahlia at 2:44 PM on November 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


You know what would significantly improve them? Having Brian Blessed read them.
posted by spec80 at 3:12 PM on November 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


I ran across this in the breakroom of my former workplace.
posted by workerant at 4:47 PM on November 17, 2009


*Giggling uncontrollably*

*Fell out of chair laughing*

*Can't get up. Can only type.*
posted by bearwife at 4:53 PM on November 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


it was believed Leno would make between $25 million and $27 million per year


"I'm still not making Dave money."

This is beautiful: for years he's made it a point to tell everyone how he doesn't have an agent (so he can pepetuate that "aw shucks, I'm a regular working stiff" image) and how he is aware that he can be replaced if he doesn't make money for the company and that's why [he says] he always lowballs NBC at contract time.

And then he makes a statement like that? Well, what do yo want, Jay? A medal for being such a down to earth regular guy?
posted by Zambrano at 5:44 PM on November 17, 2009


I recommend Criggo for the same sort of thing without the clunky interface.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 5:51 PM on November 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


Comedy gold, until you have to load 27,000 of them onto a truck.

A promising young copy editor I used to know was checking over a story about an atom bomb anniversary in the 90s. As a copy editor, one strives to make all copy conform to the publication's style guidelines, especially as regards slang or possibly offensive words. About 100,000 copies were on the truck the next morning filled with a story about the Enola Homosexual. Promising young copy editor got shuffled off to the features department and never made it anywhere further at the paper.

And at my college paper, I seem to remember a headline made it through to the press reading something like "Shitload of snow falls on campus." After that, designers had to use lorem ipsum for placeholder text.

On Google search, it looks like the "Enola Homosexual" mistake happens periodically.
posted by msbrauer at 6:09 PM on November 17, 2009 [9 favorites]


Horace Rumpole: "I recommend Criggo for the same sort of thing without the clunky interface."

FTW! Thank you! This is the kind of thing my Google-fu was failing at while "researching" this post, what I wished I'd posted. This reminds me of those cheap paperbacks that I'd read at summer camp or in the bathroom, like "Silly Laws" or "Funny Court Transcripts", things like that.
posted by not_on_display at 6:17 PM on November 17, 2009


On Google search, it looks like the "Enola Homosexual" mistake happens periodically.

Or it's apocryphal. But it really did happen to Tyson Homosexual.

Your welcome n_o_d! (youseewhatididthere)
posted by Horace Rumpole at 6:24 PM on November 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


Erogenous headlines, eh? Oh yeah, all those dirty words.
posted by sfenders at 6:27 PM on November 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


I love garden path sentences appear in print make me smile! :)
posted by iamkimiam at 7:07 PM on November 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


On Google search, it looks like the "Enola Homosexual" mistake happens periodically.

Some right-wing/christian publications refuse to use "gay" in its modern meaning and run scripts through wire stories to substitute homosexual for gay.
posted by octothorpe at 7:41 PM on November 17, 2009


"Erogenous headlines, eh? Oh yeah, all those dirty words ."
posted by sfenders

Actually, I'd meant to say "Erroneous," but you know, I didn't catch it until after the presses were running.
posted by not_on_display at 8:14 PM on November 17, 2009


God, these things put me into hysterics! Reminds me of the "True Facts" books by National Lampoon in the 90's that were collections of these. My all-time favorite is a movie marquee showing "Aliens II", "Gods Must Be Crazy", and "The Fly". Except they were arranged like this:
THE FLY
GODS MUST BE CRAZY
ALIENS II
I never did trust those crazy fly gods
posted by hincandenza at 11:10 PM on November 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


No, the best part of those True Facts book is

MAN BEATS OFF BEAR TO SAVE HIS FRIEND
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:50 AM on November 18, 2009 [1 favorite]


It's Monday night.

10.30p, change to NBC
10.40p, enjoy (but not laugh at) monologue
10.45p, watch Headlines
10.55p, turn off TV
10.56p, asleep
posted by spamguy at 9:03 AM on November 18, 2009


For me:

It's Monday night, two years ago:

11:35pm: News is over, monologue begins
11:42pm: Headlines is announced but, first, this commercial break
11:44pm: Asleep
11:45pm: Headlines
03:13am: Awoken by Magic Bullet infommercial, turn off TV
06:15am: Awake
11:00am: Realize I fell asleep in the commercial break just prior to Headlines, as usual.

It's Monday night, this year:

10:00: Forget Headlines is on, watch CSI Miami
posted by bz at 1:49 PM on November 18, 2009


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