What would Jesus eat?

November 23, 2009 2:50 AM

Jesus ate primarily natural foods in their natural states - lots of vegetables, especially beans and lentils. He would have eaten wheat bread, fruit, drunk a lot of water and also red wine. And he would only eat meat on special occasions, maybe once a month. The Jesus Diet

Your heart belongs to God - not food.

posted by twoleftfeet (70 comments total)

It's true that Jesus ate surprisingly few twinkies, and if praying helps you eat more carrots and less carrot cake so much the better, but all these bible contortions and far out interpretation ("god wants you to be rich!"; "God wants you to drive an SUV!"; "God wants his church to have the most kick-ass PA!") are a bit silly - have people forgotten what faith means?

Available evidence says a 'biblical' diet is no healthier than ours.

From the BBC: Biblical diet 'not very healthy'.

Original press release with more info here.
posted by smoke at 3:08 AM on November 23, 2009 [4 favorites]

The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church. Never heard of it. Wait, I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."

God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of. Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
posted by netbros at 3:12 AM on November 23, 2009 [104 favorites]

Surely if you're Jesus you just say "let there be abs" then grab a Big Mac?
posted by fire&wings at 3:23 AM on November 23, 2009 [2 favorites]

For some, their faith will be enough motivation to eat healthier. For most this is just another way for their religion to make them feel guilty and inadequate. Religion in action.
posted by ElmerFishpaw at 3:23 AM on November 23, 2009 [2 favorites]

The majority of the Jesus diet is alright, but it's the loaves & fishes that really wreck your figure.
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:25 AM on November 23, 2009 [2 favorites]

"Hey, man, back in the old days with J.C., we used to walk everywhere. Did you ever hear of a fat apostle?"
posted by bwg at 3:31 AM on November 23, 2009 [13 favorites]

I was under the impression that the Jesus diet consisted in eating human flesh and blood.
posted by inconsequentialist at 3:33 AM on November 23, 2009 [16 favorites]

From JewishJournal and still cracking me up: Uncomfortable with the idea of "losing" weight, because loss has a negative connotation, Feigelson decided instead to "give away" her extra weight.
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:46 AM on November 23, 2009 [3 favorites]

"Jesus was not God's only son. He was the seventh son. Aysus, Bessus, Ceesus, Deesus, Eesus, Effsus, Jesus." [Izzard]
posted by The Ultimate Olympian at 3:53 AM on November 23, 2009 [8 favorites]

Other benefitas: you can walk on water....try that with your pizza diet!
posted by Postroad at 4:18 AM on November 23, 2009 [2 favorites]

And he would only eat meat on special occasions, maybe once a month.

Yeah and he STILL got nailed to a cross, so fuck you, I'm having the goddamn hamburger.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:19 AM on November 23, 2009 [20 favorites]

The goddamn hamburger is a little too well done for my taste.
posted by gman at 4:28 AM on November 23, 2009 [7 favorites]

Havin' a hamburger? That's a crucifixin'
posted by i_cola at 4:29 AM on November 23, 2009 [3 favorites]

Y'know, what would be really cool? If some kid found The Dead Sea Scrolls part II which proved that Jesus ate a lot of cock. The asploding heads alone would be worth it...
posted by i_cola at 4:31 AM on November 23, 2009 [6 favorites]

I'm going to reflect on this and how it relates to my atheist beliefs when I go to Hardee's this morning and get the loaded omelette biscuit.
posted by double block and bleed at 4:34 AM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

Jesus ate primarily natural foods in their natural states - lots of vegetables, especially beans and lentils.

Sounds like a hippie. Next you'll be telling me he helped the poor and sick, said it would be difficult for a rich man to enter heaven and wanted everyone to love each other.
posted by DU at 4:44 AM on November 23, 2009 [13 favorites]

Havin' a hamburger? That's a crucifixin'

I'll have a hamburger with all the crucifixins.
posted by DU at 4:45 AM on November 23, 2009 [35 favorites]

I'm going to reflect on this and how it relates to my atheist beliefs when I go to Hardee's this morning and get the loaded omelette biscuit.

Au contraire. You mean your Jimmy Dean chocolate chip pancakes and sausage on a stick. Only in God's country.
posted by foxy_hedgehog at 4:46 AM on November 23, 2009

I'm annoyed when people try to hitch onto Jesus' bandwagon in order to sell something, be it a book or a diet or whatever. But if this helps someone eat better, whatever.

The Bible specifically teaches it is wrong to say it is wrong to eat meat , in the NT no less, btw.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:55 AM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

He would have eaten wheat bread, fruit, drunk a lot of water and also red wine.

Thus explaining why in communion his flesh tastes like bread, and his blood tastes like watered down red wine.

As for the Jesus-dieters... wait until they learn Jesus didn't eat bacon.
posted by qvantamon at 4:58 AM on November 23, 2009

I'm annoyed when people try to hitch onto Jesus' bandwagon in order to sell something, be it a book or a diet or whatever.

Or a political ideology.
posted by DU at 5:11 AM on November 23, 2009 [12 favorites]

How did Jesus wipe his ass? I think that's an important question. Also, since there was no flouride in the water and dental care was practically non-existent how many teeth had he lost? Which ones? These are such important questions and I feel they need answering.

Wait a moment... Hang on... I hear a voice! Oh my Lord!? How can I be of assistance?

You want your followers to concentrate on your teachings? You think that their focus on your eye colour, beard length etc are not only intrusive but pointless? Okay. I'll pass that on. Any other messages? Yes. Of course. Right you are.

He says that Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time. Of all time.

Thanks Jesus. Look forward to hearing from you again.
posted by longbaugh at 5:25 AM on November 23, 2009 [16 favorites]

no, no, it's cool when they're selling political ideologies... just *commercialisation* is a problem...
posted by russm at 5:27 AM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

qvantamon: Thus explaining why in communion his flesh tastes like bread, and his blood tastes like watered down red wine.

I'm sure I'd much prefer the church my dad's a vicar at - the blood tastes exactly like (and, in fact, is) delicious tawny port!

And yes, MetaFilter, jokes about how much you'd have to drink to get BACs like that are old.
posted by Dysk at 5:28 AM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

...Jesus ate a lot of cock...

Of course he did. And hens too; poultry has always been a big part of a kosher diet.
posted by TedW at 5:45 AM on November 23, 2009 [3 favorites]

The diet's not bad, but the cross training's a bitch.
posted by middleclasstool at 5:54 AM on November 23, 2009 [52 favorites]

The Bible specifically teaches it is wrong to say it is wrong to eat meat , in the NT no less, btw.

I'm not sure that's correct. Paul says it's wrong to tell people it's a sin to eat meat that was previously sacrificed to idols, but that's more about not taking your own cultural prejudices and putting them in God's mouth.
posted by EarBucket at 5:58 AM on November 23, 2009 [4 favorites]

middleclasstool has won this thread. We can close it now.
posted by WidgetAlley at 6:02 AM on November 23, 2009 [3 favorites]

Once you pop open that can of Jesus, it's damn hard to stop eating until the Jesus is all gone.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:10 AM on November 23, 2009

Wonder what Judas ate. But who would go for the Judas diet, right?
posted by splice at 6:10 AM on November 23, 2009

The lede is buried in this article. In fact, it's missing.

Gwen Shamblin started the Weigh Down Workshop stuff in 1997, and if caught on like wildfire. By 2000 it seemed like every Christian woman I knew who thought they could stand to lose a few pounds was reading The Weigh Down Diet. WDD was a lot more than just "eat the stuff Jesus ate." I didn't read it myself, but from what I gathered a lot of it had to do with finding your satisfaction in your relationship with God rather than food.

At any rate, Gwen wasn't content to just do your standard weigh-loss-advice-with-some-Bible-verses-sprinkled-in. Weigh loss was where it started, but she thought of herself a kind of a cross between a theologian and a prophet, with insights that the majority of the church had lost or perverted. She began to teach that the doctrine of the Trinity was incorrect, and that Jesus wasn't a co-equal member of the Godhead, but was a divine being of lesser status and nature--what they used to called the heresy of suboridinationism.

That's the sort of thing you can get away with in private if you don't make too big a deal of it, but Gwen came to feel that the vast majority of Christianity was deeply flawed--on this and other issues as well. In the end, she founded "Remnant Fellowship," named for the Biblical idea that there was always a faithful remnant of Israelites even when the nation as a whole had fallen into idolatry. From what I can tell, they think they are the only real Christians, and RF is either now a full-blown cult or at least dancing on the borders of cultland. I've heard of at least some cases where Fellowship members are encouraged to cut ties with family and friends who are "tempting" them to be--well, normal Christians, I guess.

I happened to be in seminary when this was all developing, and I knew at least on person who knew Shamblin personally. Keeping track of her latest developments was a running past-time for us.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 6:14 AM on November 23, 2009 [13 favorites]

as a lapsed catholic, this makes perfect sense to me & i'm surprised someone actually had to write a book about it. i can't speak to the particulars of the diet, but if *i* were writing the book, it would be about appreciating & celebrating the bounty of the harvest (i.e., eat locally), and doing so in moderation, because i've never been able to see many god-like properties about greed & gluttony. and if the body, is, indeed, the temple of the soul, then keeping it in the best working condition possible (this will vary for each person depending upon handicaps/disabilities) is one very small, very simple thing that one can do as a testimony to one's faith.

then again, i'm a lapsed christian, so what do i know?
posted by msconduct at 6:27 AM on November 23, 2009

Ancient Israel was far from "the land of milk and honey," and instead people suffered from the lack of a balanced diet, according to a theologian.

Dr Nathan MacDonald, an Old Testament lecturer at St Andrews University,

Eponysterical
posted by toodleydoodley at 6:30 AM on November 23, 2009

The Jesus Diet

Lots of fish sandwiches, right?
posted by jonmc at 6:31 AM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

Jesus was the greatest marketer the world has ever seen.
posted by dortmunder at 6:36 AM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

The Bible specifically teaches it is wrong to say it is wrong to eat meat , in the NT no less, btw.

It's true that there are passages in the Bible to back this up, but can we please stop appealing to the Bible in this way. The Bible, yay verily, even the NT, was written by a variety of authors throughout a period of many years. Almost any ethical demand expressed in one book can be justified by a passage in another book. Sometimes the same book. In Genesis 4, you have God herself preferring animal sacrifices to vegetables.

I might as well point out that "Poetry teaches us that hell exists." Don't believe me? I refer you to the following passage- Poetry: Milton: Paradise Lost: 16:34.
posted by reverend cuttle at 6:38 AM on November 23, 2009 [2 favorites]

and by "justified" I mean "contradicted." sigh.
posted by reverend cuttle at 6:39 AM on November 23, 2009

Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants. Jesus.
posted by GameDesignerBen at 6:42 AM on November 23, 2009 [3 favorites]

There are a ton of books, aside from the Jesus Diet type of thing, that argue that what you eat should be tied to your faith. I personally think there is some truth to the argument that if you are a Christian who believes in the Golden Rule and that you are bound to help others, then maybe you shouldn't live a lifestyle that allows you to eat foods that are being depleted or that affect another person's ability to eat.

I actually wrote my master's thesis on the body (heh) of diet literature in the Evangelical church, and explored the ties between Christianity and control over (women's) bodies. For a church that claims to be "not of this world," it can perpetuate a lot of the same things about American culture that it decries: objectification of women, women's subjugation to a higher (male) power, etc.

Note that by 2000, Gwen Shamblin's Weigh Down Workshop was offered in as many as 30,000 churches in 70 countries. However, she's not the worst of it. My favorite titles:

- Help, Lord! The Devil Wants Me Fat!
- Slim For Him (“We don’t diet, lose weight, and firm our bodies just so we can look nice and get compliments… Our first reason has to be keeping our bodies under subjection that we might live the temperate, Christ-like life we are called to live.”)
- The Fat is in Your Head (in which the author used the biblical story of Adam and Eve as a springboard to show that women ruin men’s diets: in the book of Genesis, he and others contend, women are gluttons who lure men into following their evil ways.)
- Free to be Thin offers a ranking of "World Food" and "Kingdom Food"

Two books I found really useful for my thesis are Starving for Salvation and Born Again Bodies. The first actually offers religiously based programs to counteract some of the programming women have received, by encouraging people to re-envision their concepts of God, even imagining (gasp!) God as female, or without gender.

(Body of work. Corpus. Ton of books. I can't help myself here.)
posted by runningwithscissors at 6:57 AM on November 23, 2009 [6 favorites]

St. Alia of the Bunnies: The Bible specifically teaches it is wrong to say it is wrong to eat meat , in the NT no less, btw.

I... what? There are only two passages that I can think you might be referring to, and in one Paul says 'Yo dawg it's cool to eat meat that was sacrificed to idols because those idols don't got shit on God but if it really bothers your friends a lot then just keep that shit on the down low' and in the other God gives Peter a dream about nonkosher food and is all like 'Don't call unclean what I have called clean, but just so's you know, Pete, I ain't really talking about shellfish but actually about that gentile that you won't let into your house because you're being a dick, I mean come on, Peter, read the rest of this fucking chapter.'
posted by shakespeherian at 7:02 AM on November 23, 2009 [24 favorites]

God gives Peter a dream about nonkosher food and is all like 'Don't call unclean what I have called clean, but just so's you know, Pete, I ain't really talking about shellfish but actually about that gentile that you won't let into your house because you're being a dick, I mean come on, Peter, read the rest of this fucking chapter.'

In other words, Peter originally misunderstands the dream as being about food, when it's actually about how God doesn't want him to treat entire groups of people as somehow inherently unclean because of his own archaic religious prejudices.
posted by EarBucket at 7:19 AM on November 23, 2009 [7 favorites]

Paul talking about "not taking your own cultural prejudices and putting them in God's mouth"? He should talk...

netbros: your joke is kinda funny, and i almost favorited it, but the execution is a bit off. st. peter would know immediately what they were talking about because, well, he's st peter. he's the one who went off to rome in the first place and the one that ordained the man that would go on to be pope clement the first.
posted by jock@law at 7:38 AM on November 23, 2009 [3 favorites]

God doesn't want him to treat entire groups of people as somehow inherently unclean because of his own archaic religious prejudices.

You mean like fat people?
posted by slow graffiti at 7:42 AM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

I think some people could benefit from eating nothing but Jesus.
posted by tehloki at 7:47 AM on November 23, 2009 [3 favorites]

I think some people could benefit from eating nothing but Jesus.
posted by tehloki

Yay! The lord has answered my prayers.
posted by gman at 7:51 AM on November 23, 2009

Honestly this is all a lie, spread by health food stores to increase business. Jesus was famous for his big ass suppers. Ask anyone in fact the "Last Supper" was just a Wednesday brunch. He would regularly abuse the whole God powers. He turned a simple meal of fish and bread into an all you can eat buffet of fatness. Also I have no evidence to back this up but I'm sure he would sneak cheesecake.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 7:59 AM on November 23, 2009

netbros: your joke is kinda funny, and i almost favorited it, but the execution is a bit off. st. peter would know immediately what they were talking about because, well, he's st peter. he's the one who went off to rome in the first place and the one that ordained the man that would go on to be pope clement the first.

Not only that, but how could the pope from 2000 years later be the first one to have this problem? Even if all the others went to hell, they'd have to talk to St Peter first.

Also also, the joke has absolutely nothing to do with this thread.
posted by DU at 8:12 AM on November 23, 2009

I'm no food-ologist, but I don't believe that the human diet 2000 years ago was significantly better for you than the human diet is today. Though the fish didn't have as much mercury back then, so there's that.

For secular humanists, agnostics, and other non-Jesus-centric folk who still wish to eat an anachronistic, pre-scientific diet but don't appreciate the religious implications, there is always the Caveman Power Diet. (Warning: Caveman Power.)
posted by Cookiebastard at 8:12 AM on November 23, 2009

Along with everything else the beans were consumed, and when Jesus never farted a mystery began of historic proportions.
posted by uraniumwilly at 8:23 AM on November 23, 2009

What do you think moved the rock after the third day? 32 years of gas, held back by the son-of-god's amazing willpower.
posted by longbaugh at 8:32 AM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

The jest of the web.
posted by effluvia at 8:39 AM on November 23, 2009

Hey, man, back in the old days with J.C., we used to walk everywhere. Did you ever hear of a fat apostle?

There's a reason one of them was called James the Greater. Just sayin'.
posted by kirkaracha at 8:47 AM on November 23, 2009

Damn it. I was really hoping there was a new scientific study proving the benefits of my diet filled with Tacos, Refried Beans, Enchiladas, and Guacamole.

Let down by Jesus again.
posted by Ufez Jones at 8:47 AM on November 23, 2009 [2 favorites]

I was really hoping there was a new scientific study proving the benefits of my diet filled with Tacos, Refried Beans, Enchiladas, and Guacamole.

You don't need Science to know that this diet is full of WIN!
posted by DU at 8:53 AM on November 23, 2009

I think some people could benefit from eating nothing but Jesus.

When the priest came to our grade 2 classroom to give us unconsecrated practice hosts before we got the Real Thing the following Sunday, all we could talk about afterwards was about how Jesus stuck to the roof of your mouth worse than peanut butter.

*duct tapes tehloki to the monitor*
posted by maudlin at 8:54 AM on November 23, 2009

I'll be doing some ad work for PETA. Stay tuned.
posted by Zombie Jesus at 9:40 AM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

Dude could make wine out of water. I just call it the Bukowski diet.
posted by slimepuppy at 9:48 AM on November 23, 2009

Jesus Anybody 50-100 years ago ate primarily natural foods in their natural states

FTFY
posted by symbollocks at 9:55 AM on November 23, 2009

The Jesus Diet: That, too, shall pass.
posted by YoBananaBoy at 10:08 AM on November 23, 2009 [3 favorites]

I don't know about a Jesus diet, but 10 years ago I ordered a bunch of communion wafers direct from the factory and snacked on them like chips. Kind of like eating styrofoam, I know, but I had to try it out anyway. Never did dip them though.
posted by crapmatic at 10:52 AM on November 23, 2009 [4 favorites]

I'm gonna eat meat and candy. And I'll make up some religious shit to justify it.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME
posted by grubi at 11:17 AM on November 23, 2009

Jesus Anybody 50-100 years ago ate primarily natural foods in their natural states

Errr...how long ago?
posted by DU at 11:30 AM on November 23, 2009

Didn't people have an average lifespan of, like, 40 years back then? Is that really the lifestyle model we want to emulate? Get cholera like Jesus! Ask me how!
posted by ErikaB at 11:31 AM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

Uh, shakespeherian , if you want to carry on and rewrite the entire rest of the Bible, I'd buy it. For lots and lots of monies. Multiple copies.
posted by Dormant Gorilla at 11:40 AM on November 23, 2009

DU: Jesus Anybody 50-100 years ago ate primarily natural foods in their natural states

Errr...how long ago?

The Beats were actually a reaction to the Raw Foods movement.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:40 AM on November 23, 2009

but all these bible contortions and far out interpretation ("god wants you to be rich!"; "God wants you to drive an SUV!"; "God wants his church to have the most kick-ass PA!") are a bit silly

Au contraire.
posted by ersatz at 11:51 AM on November 23, 2009

Sales are falling at Kentucky Fried Chicken, so Colonel Sanders calls up the Pope.

The Colonel says, “Look Pope, I need you to change the
daily prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily fried chicken’. If you do it, I’ll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican.”

The Pope replies, “I am sorry. That is the Lord’s prayer. I can not change
the words.”

So the Colonel hangs up.

After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel calls again.
“Listen Pope. I really need your help. I’ll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily fried chicken.’”

The Pope responds, “Well, it is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church
could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many
charities and feed the poor and buy medicine. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord’s prayer, and how could I presume to change the words.”

Colonel Hangs up.

After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets desperate. “Look, Pope. This is my final offer, your Holiness. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, ‘Give us our daily bread to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken’ I will donate a billion dollars to the Catholic Church.”

The Pope replies, “Right. Let me get back to you .” And hangs up.

So the next day, the Pope calls together his Cardinals and Bishops and says, “Gentlemen, I have some good news, and I have some bad news.

The good news is that KFC is going to donate one billion dollars to the Vatican.”

The Cardinals and Bishops rejoice in wonderment at such a miracle.

"the bad news," the Pope continues, "is we lost the Wonder Bread account."
posted by Skygazer at 1:48 PM on November 23, 2009 [2 favorites]

Damn it. I was really hoping there was a new scientific study proving the benefits of my diet filled with Tacos, Refried Beans, Enchiladas, and Guacamole.

Let down by Jesus again.

Jesus approves!
posted by zinfandel at 7:01 PM on November 23, 2009

Woman runs up to a priest with two loaves of bread. "FATHER!" She cries. "Turn these loaves into Jesus so I can count them as Protein for Atkins!"
posted by jefficator at 8:18 PM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

Jesus was the greatest marketer the world has ever seen.


Sorry, someone got there first.
posted by liketitanic at 8:49 AM on November 24, 2009