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If it's Tuesday these must be Froot Loops
December 15, 2009 5:41 PM   Subscribe

What cereal should I eat? A flowchart. Also: What fast food should I eat? What chain restaurant should I patronize? What beer should I drink? What frozen entree should I thaw? Bonus question: Can you eat every animal McDonald's serves on a single sandwich? From Eating the Road.
posted by escabeche (68 comments total) 24 users marked this as a favorite

 
Oh, these were made for me. I am so indecisive about food. I'm going to print them out and tape them to my refrigerator.
posted by desjardins at 5:50 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Sorry, I'm not drinking Guinness even if it is on tap. I prefer real stouts.
posted by signalnine at 5:53 PM on December 15, 2009


Just finished the cereal one, and it was awesome. But: Kix is a "classic?" Really?
posted by mreleganza at 5:54 PM on December 15, 2009


I really enjoyed the piece about maximizing your buffet experience about three weeks ago when I stumbled across this site on Thrillist. It's gluttontastic.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 5:56 PM on December 15, 2009


What's the $500 beer?

Kix is a "classic?" Really?

Kix dates back to 1937. I guess that makes it a classic in some sense, but, yeah, that was a little weird to me, too.
posted by jedicus at 5:56 PM on December 15, 2009


The cereal one seems to work well enough. Mini-Wheats it is! As for beer... I can't help but feel like they make being a hockey fan a bad thing, eh?

Oh and I was beat to it, but your favourite breakfast cereal, fast food, chain restaurant, beer, frozen dinner and spelling of "favourite" sucks.
posted by battlebison at 5:59 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Oh, and the $500 beer: via Uncrate.
posted by battlebison at 6:02 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Huh, not sure where the $500 figure comes from, then. Most sources online put the cost at $100 historically and $150 for the newest vintage.
posted by jedicus at 6:08 PM on December 15, 2009


Yep it pegged me. The beer chart got me right to Newcastle. Well done.
posted by jlowen at 6:10 PM on December 15, 2009


I love that The French Laundry shows up in the middle of the restaurant flowchart with no possible way to get to it. Too true. Too true.
posted by Thin Lizzy at 6:12 PM on December 15, 2009 [2 favorites]


Do you care about the roof of your mouth?

Yep. That'd be accurate. Why is it that parents spend one day a year in a fever pitch about the supposed dangers of razor blades in apples, yet stock Cap'n Crunch in the pantry?
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 6:12 PM on December 15, 2009 [6 favorites]


When it asked if I was scottish, I was hoping for Innis & Gunn. But alas.
posted by Lemurrhea at 6:13 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


The chain restaurant one is bullshit. There is no set of circumstances where the correct answer is Denny's.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 6:18 PM on December 15, 2009 [2 favorites]


I think it's a little hypocritical to have the whole "did you bring a reusable grocery bag" branch, implying that the beers listed were for yuppies, then imply that the "best" beer comes from brands like Dogfish Head (not that they're wrong, but that's no less yuppie, in fact it's more so).
posted by DecemberBoy at 6:19 PM on December 15, 2009


That McDonald's sandwich has more calories than I eat in a day and more meat than I eat in a week.
posted by TooFewShoes at 6:19 PM on December 15, 2009


The 2009 batch of Samuel Adams Utopias is a blend of liquids, some of which have been aged in a variety of woods.

This sounds like a classed-up "suicide." Mixed well and whatnot, but still a batch of this and that. I guess the skilled mixing of divergent parts is hard to pull off well, but I'd be intrigued to see a home-made attempt at replicating the brew from different store-bought stock.
posted by filthy light thief at 6:20 PM on December 15, 2009


(I'm just cranky because Newcastle is my favorite beer and it is TOTALLY NOT A YUPPIE BEER DAMMIT)
posted by DecemberBoy at 6:21 PM on December 15, 2009


So, it seems that mcdonalds his a procedure in place for making any sort of custom sandwich you want.

Do people do this regularly? Are there custom combinations worth getting?
posted by empath at 6:22 PM on December 15, 2009


Seconding the Innis & Gunn, but from my 3.75 years in Glasgow, I'd expect the following: Are you in Scotland > Yes > Anything in Sight > Was it Tennents? > No > You're lucky.

I once paid £4 for a 330 cl of Brew Dog, and you know what? I paid for about £1.50 of beer that I did not receive, quantity or quality, your choice.
posted by nímwunnan at 6:24 PM on December 15, 2009


I'm not sure how the cereal one did not include the best cereal ever.
posted by arm426 at 6:24 PM on December 15, 2009


I love that The French Laundry shows up in the middle of the restaurant flowchart with no possible way to get to it. Too true. Too true.

Yeah, that was brilliant.
posted by scody at 6:27 PM on December 15, 2009


the best cereal ever

No, the best cereal ever is actually a 50/50 mix of Golden Grahams and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, consumed in small batches with very cold milk to maintain crunchiness.
posted by jedicus at 6:32 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


These things tend to be lame (although there remains potential for some nice satire) but this cereal one is about as lame as they go. WTF? Have we really reached the end of the internets?
posted by caddis at 6:32 PM on December 15, 2009


OK, the French Laundry with not way to get there is pretty funny. We might have one or two more steps to go before the internets have jumped the shark. There is a lot of ski jumping practicing though.....
posted by caddis at 6:37 PM on December 15, 2009


the best cereal ever

I remember as being King Vitamin, which in retrospect, seems to have been Cap'n Crunch in a different box.
posted by timsteil at 6:37 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Deep down, I somehow always knew that Life was the Best Cereal Ever. It's nice to see that belief reaffirmed.
posted by TBAcceptor at 6:39 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Cereal flowchart brought to you by: OH god fuck my eyes, what the fuck is that background!?
posted by odinsdream at 6:42 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


Why is Burger King only for those under 16?
posted by spaltavian at 6:46 PM on December 15, 2009


But where are the Os???

Am I still a champion if I pour chocolate milk on my Wheaties?
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 6:48 PM on December 15, 2009


That McDonald's sandwich has more calories than I eat in a day and more meat than I eat in a week.

I like how they opted for the grilled chicken... you know, to make it healthy.
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 6:52 PM on December 15, 2009


"Do you truly LOVE beer" should have been way up at the top; as it was many beer fans would have been siphoned off and pointed towards shitty beers because the important question was the last one. Also: Sierra Nevada does *not* fit in with Red Hook, Newcastle, Stella or Harp. Sierra Nevada is actually good beer.
posted by paisley henosis at 6:59 PM on December 15, 2009


Also: Corona is *never* the right answer. If it seems like Corona might be the right answer, then go for a mixed drink or something non-alcoholic.
posted by paisley henosis at 7:01 PM on December 15, 2009


If the Internet were a bar, this thread would end in a fistfight. I've got my eye on you, paisley henosis. What'd you say 'bout Newcastle?
posted by DecemberBoy at 7:14 PM on December 15, 2009


Sierra Nevada is actually good beer.

If you're a yuppie.
posted by jmd82 at 7:24 PM on December 15, 2009 [3 favorites]


No White Castle? I know two dudes who'll be seriously bummed.

Surely it fits on the "Are you high?" branch.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 7:24 PM on December 15, 2009


Luckily, my west coast has Burgerville.
posted by birdie birdington at 7:26 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


I like how the split-off question for Arby's is "Would you ever eat at Arby's?" It's a pretty clear answer for most.
posted by echo target at 7:33 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


why does moose light lime have no arrows pointing to it?
posted by mexican at 7:34 PM on December 15, 2009


Wait, why does "being Doctor Who" = "eating Ben & Jerry's"?
posted by punchdrunkhistory at 7:38 PM on December 15, 2009


Can you eat every animal McDonald's serves on a single sandwich?

If they include both eggs and chicken, it looks more like every 'meat-like product' - and if so, they forgot about bacon. In fact, I'm rather surprised that they chose the sausage patty over bacon; the sausage, imo, is far too salty.

Also, doesn't McDonalds in other parts of the world serve goat, beer, lamb, &c. at least on occasion?

/misses the McRib, former-McDonald's worker's Mefi comments regardless
posted by porpoise at 7:46 PM on December 15, 2009


That beer flow chart is wrong, I am currently drinking a delicious beer from Verhaeghe.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 7:58 PM on December 15, 2009


No, no, no. This is all wrong from the get-go. I'm in England and I'm definitely not going to Wagamamas. I will never understand how they manage to make such awful food! Such a cynical business model: large servings, sure, but made with poor quality ingredients in ill-judged combinations.

Oh, such sad, salty bowls of disappointment. But the promise is there! Curse you, Wagamama!
posted by hot soup girl at 8:00 PM on December 15, 2009


I actually have two bottles of Sam Adams Utopias, one from 2003 or so and one from this year. I can't bring myself to drink the damn stuff, though. Dumb. Hope it's good.
posted by Huck500 at 8:00 PM on December 15, 2009


Bullshit. In & Out is open until at least midnight most places. Also, Modelo Especial is better than Corona. Although that is not saying much.
posted by nestor_makhno at 8:02 PM on December 15, 2009


And I went into Arby's once about 10 years ago because my boss asked me to get him food there; the smell was such that I had to go back to the office and tell my boss that I just couldn't buy food there. This wasn't food for me, understand, it was for someone else and I couldn't do it. GJ Arby's.
posted by Huck500 at 8:03 PM on December 15, 2009


DecemberBoy: If the Internet were a bar, this thread would end in a fistfight. I've got my eye on you, paisley henosis. What'd you say 'bout Newcastle?

You heard me.

jmd82: If you're a yuppie.

That'd be Anchor Steam.
posted by paisley henosis at 8:11 PM on December 15, 2009


Yes, but Negro Modelo is way better than Modelo Especial.

And that's according to a vegetarian frozen food eating, reusable bag carrying, dinner party attending asshole. (God, I hate myself.)
posted by evidenceofabsence at 8:21 PM on December 15, 2009


Wait. Sierra Nevada? Over Newcastle?

I mean, if you're in Santa Cruz and looking to attend an off-campus party, just say so.
posted by evidenceofabsence at 8:23 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


The correct answer for fast food when the question is "are you in Canada?" is Harvey's. Unless it's before 11am, in which case Tim's is an acceptable answer.
posted by Chuckles McLaughy du Haha, the depressed clown at 8:48 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


I can't eat cereal.

There was a time period where we ate whole boxes of cereal. Sometimes straight out of the box, in huge heaping handfuls. We may not have had eggs or meat, but we did have huge bags of cereal. Kept you alive, kinda.

So to this day I can't look at cereal without thinking "HUMAN CHOW."
posted by The Whelk at 8:50 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


WTF is this shit about sending me to McDonald's before 10:30 AM because I'm not a cop? You couldn't pay me to eat those greasy goddamn turds-in-a-pastewiches that that Clown motherfucker tries to pass off as breakfast. I go to two fast food places, ever, and apparently according to this flowchart's bizarre dream logic I ought to be barred from both because I am neither 16 years old nor prone to tasering children between mouthfuls of apple fritter.

TL;DR: Back the fuck off my DD veggie omelet flatbread and coffee or I'm gonna hafta cut a blogger.
posted by xthlc at 8:56 PM on December 15, 2009 [2 favorites]


What's up with the "Is it Summer 2010?' question on the frozen entree question?
posted by theclaw at 9:03 PM on December 15, 2009


What's up with the "Is it Summer 2010?' question on the frozen entree question?

Eggo waffle shortage
posted by makonan at 9:24 PM on December 15, 2009


A restaurant in my neighborhood offers the Breakfast of Champions: your choice of several cereals (e.g. Fruit Loops) served with a bottle of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
posted by neuron at 9:34 PM on December 15, 2009 [2 favorites]


Negra Modelo is a solid beer. About as cheap as other Mexican beers, and about a million times better than any of them. As far as Modelo Especial goes, well, the best thing you can say about it is it's cheap.
posted by DecemberBoy at 9:46 PM on December 15, 2009


You couldn't pay me to eat those greasy goddamn turds-in-a-pastewiches that that Clown motherfucker tries to pass off as breakfast.

Well-said.

"turds-in-a-pastewiches" is easily the greatest thing I've heard all week
posted by DecemberBoy at 9:50 PM on December 15, 2009


Thanks mokonan. They said that (peak oil/global warming/Obama) was going to cause food shortages, but I had no idea that Eggos were considered food.

I guess that explains why I didn't see any in the frozen food section last I looked. It turns out I've got a trove of frozen gold* in my kitchen! I'm off to call Cash4Eggos!

* not actual gold; please don't rob me

posted by theclaw at 10:05 PM on December 15, 2009


While still chortling over the French Laundry joke, I must admit to being a little dismayed that there appear to be no Cröonchy Stars in the cereal chart though not as dismayed as the fact that back in the '90s, my mom threw out a box of Cröonchy Stars that I had been dragging around since college after remaining wholly unmoved by my argument that it wasn't just cereal; it was postmodern cereal.
posted by scody at 10:37 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


That the restaurant flowchart is missing Waffle House saddens me to no end.
posted by armage at 10:56 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


But where are the Os???

Yes, a thousand times yes. Oreo O's were the greatest cereal ever made; this has been proven by science.
posted by maqsarian at 12:32 AM on December 16, 2009


Heh. Quisp and Dogfish Head Ale. It's gonna be a gooood day.
posted by Thorzdad at 4:24 AM on December 16, 2009


Is it Sunday? > No > Chick-Fil-A

This.
posted by moviehawk at 7:09 AM on December 16, 2009


I like how the split-off question for Arby's is "Would you ever eat at Arby's?" It's a pretty clear answer for most.

Hells yeah I would. For some reason I find it quite delectable, and I really don't understand why it's so vilified. You know things are bad when their slogan for a time was "Hold your bag with pride."
posted by yellowbinder at 7:11 AM on December 16, 2009


These are hilarious. I will now retire happily with a box of Quisp and a PBR, thanks.
posted by mygothlaundry at 7:44 AM on December 16, 2009


Oh, it took me to Clipper City! yay, that's what we served at our (Baltimore) wedding.
posted by gaspode at 8:35 AM on December 16, 2009


From the beer one:

Can you speak fluent French, in Russian?

Well holy shit, I actually CAN.
posted by wretched_rhapsody at 9:51 AM on December 16, 2009


The Whelk: So to this day I can't look at cereal without thinking "HUMAN CHOW."

Requisite Futurama reference.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:10 PM on December 16, 2009


The correct answer for fast food when the question is "are you in Canada?" is Harvey's. Unless it's before 11am, in which case Tim's is an acceptable answer.

Agreed (mainly because Harvey's serves poutine, or a reasonable facsimile thereof, and yes, I do want 6 dill pickles on my burger. Bring it!!). But....hold up, are you saying that there is NO HARVEY'S in the U.S.? What the what? How did I not know that?
posted by Go Banana at 6:21 PM on December 16, 2009


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