Sitters Vs. Standers – The Great Wipe Hope

December 16, 2009 10:23 AM

In April of 2007, College Humor conducted an informal poll of their readership's (ahem) wiping habits. This month, Drew Magary re-examines the results of that "study" for Deadspin, and comes to the same shocking conclusions. (Note: These links contain bathroom-related discussions that those with more delicate sensibilities probably won't enjoy.)

When finished with their business the restroom, about 50% of the people you know wipe their heinies standing up, and about 50% of the people you know do it sitting down. Furthermore, many report being completely unaware that the other option exists. And so the debate continues.

posted by juliplease (316 comments total)

STAND.

I don't see how you could even fit your hand underneath and in the bowl while sitting. But maybe I just have a big ass.
posted by Saxon Kane at 10:27 AM on December 16, 2009

Christmas, 1994 or 1995. I walked in on my uncle while he was wiping standing up, and I've never been the same since.

Bathroom behaviors are surprisingly insulated, so it's not surprising that people are surprised by them. For example, I recently learned (from this comic, actually) that some men will sit down to poop, and then stand back up to pee instead of just peeing sitting down!
posted by muddgirl at 10:28 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Standing? But how do you... With the... And the way your cheeks sort of... (shudder)

And don't even get me started on front-wipers. Horrible human beings, the front-wipers.
posted by billysumday at 10:30 AM on December 16, 2009 [6 favorites]

Sitting? WT Fuck?
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:32 AM on December 16, 2009

Yeah, front-wiping is... ugh.

Anyway, I call bullshit (no pun intended) on the claims that standing leaves your ass all dirty. I stand, and I am very conscientious about cleaning up my posterior. I don't have any skidmarks or nothin.

I think the other question to be asked here is the "to look or not to look ... at the tp?"

I look.
posted by Saxon Kane at 10:33 AM on December 16, 2009

I was, until this very moment, utterly and completely unaware that people were even anatomically capable of wiping their asses while standing up.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 10:35 AM on December 16, 2009 [92 favorites]

What.

You can do that while STANDING?!?

I don't think I'll ever be the same again after imagining someone trying to do that.
posted by deezil at 10:38 AM on December 16, 2009

So, uh, when they say "sitting," are we talking about actually sitting, full stop? Like, ass on toilet? I'd almost expect the confusion to be that the easy position is a sort of squat, "standing" enough to allow clearance so that you can actually wipe, but "sitting" enough in a squat to spread the legs and allow access to wipe.

I can't imagine wiping in a full-on "stand" like a soldier at attention, and I also can't imagine "sitting" on the toilet and actually reaching down into the bowl to wipe my ass. I think the terminology here is flawed.

Regardless, I'm sure we can all agree that unless you've got a cat that likes to play with the roll, "overhand" is the only, correct, way to put in a roll of toilet paper.
posted by explosion at 10:39 AM on December 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

Stand.

Also, this was the topic of a late derail on the epic underwear opening AskMe that I'm totally proud of.
posted by Plutor at 10:39 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Those of you who don't behave as I behave disgust me.
posted by shen1138 at 10:39 AM on December 16, 2009 [33 favorites]

Woman here.

I had no idea people could stand to do this. Is it just a dude thing? I mean, woman are already sitting for all of our business, so sitting just seems natural. Any ladies stand to wipe?
posted by too bad you're not me at 10:41 AM on December 16, 2009

I had absolutely no idea that it was possible to wipe one's ass while standing. No idea at all. Squatting, maybe, but actually standing, with the... no. No, I'm not going to think about this.

In all seriousness, could this be a learned behavior? Surely there's a point in childhood, shortly post-diapers, in which someone teaches you proper wiping technique. Can any parents weigh in?
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:42 AM on December 16, 2009

From the second link:

"Apparently it's a New Jersey thing, as I did an impromptu dorm floor census (of both sexes), and everyone from Jersey wiped standing up."

That would explain a lot of things, actually.
posted by The World Famous at 10:43 AM on December 16, 2009 [13 favorites]

Standing is a Welsh/Roma thing. And people who use Emacs.
posted by everichon at 10:44 AM on December 16, 2009 [16 favorites]

This needs international study. I've never stood wiped.
posted by thekorruptor at 10:46 AM on December 16, 2009

The sit/stand duality is only the beginning of complications for this guy.

Probably NSFW. And sorry for getting reddit in the MeFi, but its fairly funny and this thread is as related as its going to get. Serendipity made me post, I swear!
posted by no_moniker at 10:46 AM on December 16, 2009 [10 favorites]

I never really got the whole bidet thing, but after reading this thread I now understand. Thank you metafilter, and thank you France.
posted by Elmore at 10:47 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Well, anyway you do it, it's nice to know you're not alone.
posted by analogue at 10:47 AM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

do you mean to tell me that no one here spins the toilet paper and backs up to it?
posted by pyramid termite at 10:47 AM on December 16, 2009 [27 favorites]

Any ladies stand to wipe?

My wife stands to wipe after peeing, and I hate it - because there's almost always that one drop on the toilet seat afterwards. She just wipes it off, but it grosses me out. Come on, you're already sitting!

Standing up to wipe after pooping boggles my mind. Sure, we ask our (little) kids to stand so we can more easily wipe their butts, but when they do it themselves they all do it sitting.
posted by widdershins at 10:48 AM on December 16, 2009

Man, I used to have experience an incredible amount of angst that I was going to the bathroom 'wrong'. Reading this scene in Mike Dawson's new comic Troop 142, brought back that sinking feeling.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:49 AM on December 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

From the article:

Now, why the fuck would you turn around and face the toilet? You've completely abandoned the bowl at that point, with the bathroom floor as the only landing pad beneath your ass for stray material.

Now I'm wondering whether some of the "sitters" have issues knowing whether they're done pooping or not. "Stray material?" Seriously, you're just wiping a bit to clean up, it's not like you're accidentally gonna knock a whole turd onto the floor while wiping!

Or are you? WTF?
posted by explosion at 10:51 AM on December 16, 2009

Any ladies stand to wipe?

Yes.
posted by not that girl at 10:51 AM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

1st: Sitter

2nd: Re: ""overhand" is the only, correct, way to put in a roll of toilet paper."
I was once a believer of the Over The Top method, but recently upon experimentation, I discovered that the backwards method actually conserves TP by not spinning wildly on a tug, so for eco-friendliness I have since converted to the under-behind TP placement
posted by wuakeen at 10:52 AM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

What in the good god damn hell?

Why would you bother standing up in the first place? You're sitting down already, surely the path of least resistance would be to then sort of lean forward just a bit?

Westerners, especially Americans, are already viewed as having comparatively primitive hygiene when it comes to this sort of thing because of our reliance on just paper to clean our rears.

But you standers are absolute savages, and I'm considering investing in a bidet just to put a large amount of associative distance between us.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 10:53 AM on December 16, 2009 [11 favorites]

I can only evacuate on one of them fancy Japanese toilets--mine whispers passages from Genji Monogatari to me, to both entertain me and mask the sound of my bowels moving. Then, I lie face down in a special wiping-cradle, while a surprisingly delicate articulated servo-arm makes questions of sitting and standing quite moot.

Thence to the bidet.
posted by everichon at 10:55 AM on December 16, 2009 [13 favorites]

what i just i don't even

Standing up? Are you kidding me?

My husband is about to get a very strange txt.
posted by sugarfish at 10:56 AM on December 16, 2009 [18 favorites]

I discovered that the backwards method actually conserves TP by not spinning wildly on a tug

So don't wildly tug, and just gently tear off the proper-sized piece? I mean, you can even do this one-handed. You have five fingers on your hand, presumably, so grasp the paper with your thumb and index, rest at least one other finger on the opposite side of the perforation, and tear gently.

Overhand method makes it a lot easier to find the end of the roll if it goes hidden, and doesn't leave the end dangling against a questionably clean wall.
posted by explosion at 10:56 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

It occurs to me that if you're ever in jail you might want to sit to wipe.

I used to be a stander, then I saw an episode of Oz where the prisoner stayed seated. I have been sitting, for the most part, ever since.
posted by nestor_makhno at 10:59 AM on December 16, 2009

The other question is whether you whipe dorsally or ventrally.

I think it would be harder to wipe 'up' from behind sitting down, but if you wipe forward by putting you hand between your legs it would be pretty easy.
posted by delmoi at 10:59 AM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

I lean to one side and lift the other side off the seat, thus avoiding any possibility of my hand ending up in the bowl. Is this how other sitters do it, or am I in a category of my own?
posted by decagon at 11:01 AM on December 16, 2009

As a society, it's now our collective responsibility to develop lore and cautionary tales to guide us all in one direction and vilify anyone who chooses another path.

It doesn't matter so much which path we endorse, though personally I'm in favor of the sit-then-stand combo-wipe.
posted by gurple at 11:02 AM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

stand? seriously? some of you people stand?
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:04 AM on December 16, 2009

Wipe?
posted by JeffK at 11:05 AM on December 16, 2009 [40 favorites]

Related
posted by Joey Michaels at 11:06 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

I was watching a 30 Rock episode yesterday, and Tina Fey sits. This should end all debate, you're welcome.
posted by naju at 11:06 AM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

Wait, nevermind.
posted by naju at 11:08 AM on December 16, 2009

With the asses I see every day, the idea of standing up and having to tunnel through those twin patulous globes of blubber and ever have a hope of not leaving behind a shit-smeared graffiti on the sidewalls is laughable.

You sit, raise one ass cheek, keep traction on the perineum to widely expose the soiled region and get to work. Anything less is a hygienic holocaust.
posted by docpops at 11:08 AM on December 16, 2009 [21 favorites]

The following post contains Too Much Information. You've been warned.

In the years I've been coming to this place, Metafilter has affected my life in a lot of ways. It's opened my mind and changed my views on a lot of things. It's helped me find anniversary gifts for my wife, helped me pursue an honest to god ADD diagnosis from a professional diagnoser type person, it's given me things to consider when deciding the direction of my son's education, it's helped me make several expensive purchases from everything from a vacuum cleaner to a guitar. It gave me advice on building a house. A freakin' house. It's turned me on to new music, new books, new hobbies, new directions.

It also changed my bathroom behavior. Hear me out here, kids.

The year was 2007. Amy Winehouse was singing about rehab. A former Vice President named Al Gore Jr. walked away with the Nobel peace prize. The world mourned the loss of Mr. Wizard and a Metafilter user named Greg Nog started a thread about an equally polarizing topic.

In that thread, I made an offhand comment about standing when I wipe. I was aware that a lot of people sat when they wiped, but I didn't think standing was anything strange. I certainly didn't expect to be called out on it. Especially by a Metafilter moderator.

Apparently, Cortex was unaware that standing was even an option. He called me out in the very next post. He appeared to be dumbfounded. I chalked it up the inexperience of youth and moved on with my life.

That is, until my next bowel movement.

I'll spare you the gory details, but when I was finished and it was time to wipe, I began to stand up the way I always do.

Suddenly, I stopped.

And then, my friends, something happened that I've never told anybody. Something happened that frightens me to this very day. There I was, pants down, ass hovering an inch off the bowl, a wad of paper in my hands.

I thought of Cortex.

Ok, I didn't really think of Cortex, but I thought of his post. And I realized I had an option.

I quickly stopped thinking of Cortex.

And I sat.

And I wiped.

And it worked! It wasn't difficult, there was no learning curve, it just worked!

I'd been standing and wiping since I was potty trained as a child. It's just how I was taught. Granted, I was taught that way so my mom could inspect me to make sure I was doing it correctly, but she never told me to sit down once I no longer needed to be inspected regularly. I just kept standing. It worked, I did it.

For almost 37 years, that's what I did. I stood and I wiped.

Until the day Metafilter changed my life. Once again.

Thanks, Metafilter!

I'm really, really sorry, Cortex
posted by bondcliff at 11:11 AM on December 16, 2009 [110 favorites]

Sitting, front and rear wiping. My ass is polished when I'm done. You could eat of the damn thing.

...for $20, same as in town
posted by WinnipegDragon at 11:13 AM on December 16, 2009 [13 favorites]

Americans have bad hygene? Have you ever been in the Parisian metro before??

Sitting, I too was unaware that people wipe standing up as I have only done it while camping and have never been satisfied with the results.
posted by BobbyDigital at 11:13 AM on December 16, 2009

Thanks, Metafilter!

Another happy customer!
posted by billysumday at 11:14 AM on December 16, 2009

The first improvement to toilet tissue in 100 years. Comfort Wipe.
posted by pianomover at 11:15 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Try wiping with your non=dominant hand. I had to for six weeks, after a jeep ran over me.

"left-handed wiper" sounds like quite the insult, now that I think about it.
posted by notsnot at 11:17 AM on December 16, 2009 [5 favorites]

Do we have to make digs at lefties during a reasonable discussion of ass-wiping?
posted by wuakeen at 11:21 AM on December 16, 2009

This standing thing explains strange shoe movements observed in stalls next to me over the years. Which makes me wonder, why do stall walls leave enough gap *between the stalls* to observe the adjacent persons feet. Do we need to know if someone is next to us, what their feet are doing?
posted by stbalbach at 11:21 AM on December 16, 2009

Lifelong stander here. In the interests of SCIENCE!, I just experimented with the seated wipe. Here are my results.

I'm a fairly tall guy -- 6'1" with long legs -- and I'm not big-assed by any means. I sit pretty far back on the seat, as I imagine most people do. This ensures that the deposit goes directly into the water, eliminating smell and smears on the toilet walls. Also, I make sure that my balls are not resting on the toilet seat and I'm pissing into my underwear (which leads me to a slight tangent -- what the fuck is up with rounded bowls?! I can barely fit in those! They should outlaw their manufacture and build ONLY enlongated bowls.)

After finishing my business, I grabbed a wad of the old standby, and proceeded to clean. I found that I had to scoot forward a bit in order to get my arm around back and proper angling -- otherwise I couldn't get my hand under my ass. I also had to lean off to the left, lifting my right cheek up to allow access. Now, I'm a looker, which is somewhat difficult in this posture; I was afraid that I'd accidentally wipe the shitty toilet paper on the seat. I also found that I was putting some uncomfortable strain on my left hip, although that could be because I didn't limber up beforehand or was just not used to the position. I did find that I felt like I was getting pretty in-depth access, perhaps slightly better than when standing. But, because of how far I had to scoot up in order to reach behind, my duffel bags were sitting on the rim of the seat.

Ultimately, I feel like I maybe used a little less toilet paper than when standing (when I use my left hand to spread the left cheek aside and the right hand to wipe while standing at a slight angle of about 35-45 degrees). But, I didn't feel any less clean; I'm a looker, so I always check the tp to make sure that its snowflake white on the last wipe anyway, and this time I gave myself one last standing wipe to make sure. Because of the tweaking on my hip and the balls on the seat thing -- which, in a public bathroom, would make me worried about getting crabs or scabies or alien infestations -- I think I will continue to stand (although a bidet would be nice). My experience leads me to believe that standing vs. sitting might at least partially be a function of height. Perhaps someone should do a survey of NBA players?

Now, on the matter of directional wiping... WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE WIPE TO THE FRONT?! Do you want to get shit all over your balls or vulva?! That's fucking gross. When you wipe from front to back, the angling works so there's a little lip or catch that acts as a perfect stop. Wiping back to front would just smear it all over your taint.
posted by Saxon Kane at 11:23 AM on December 16, 2009 [7 favorites]

Americans have bad hygene?

Not so much bad hygiene as a bad diet. Our diets are generally pretty high in fats, which causes looser, runny stool. We also use dry wipes rather than water, which seems to be favored in other parts of the world.
posted by muddgirl at 11:23 AM on December 16, 2009

Man. All this TP talk and nobody mentions something like Cottonelle Fresh Wipes? For shame. They're not just for babies -- my butt is literally squeaky clean, sitting OR standing.
posted by Amanojaku at 11:23 AM on December 16, 2009 [4 favorites]

AI found that I had to scoot forward a bit in order to get my arm around back and proper angling

Go through the 5 hole from the front. Seriously, this isn't rocket science.

Do you want to get shit all over your balls or vulva?!

I find that small, controlled gestures keep the shit where it belongs. Really, if your shit is so runny that you can easily wipe it straight from your ass to your balls, you need to eat more fiber.
posted by muddgirl at 11:27 AM on December 16, 2009 [7 favorites]

I am going to try sitting next time. But if it goes badly, I'm-a blame you guys, who I privately suspect are lying to me anyway.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:27 AM on December 16, 2009 [6 favorites]

Seems like this is overthinking a plate of beans, after you've eaten them.
posted by Pragmatica at 11:39 AM on December 16, 2009 [5 favorites]

Standing is a Welsh/Roma thing. And people who use Emacs.

What would the sitting camp consist of? Jews/Kurds and people who use vi?

not (jewish/kurdish/vish)-ist
posted by ArgentCorvid at 11:41 AM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

Stand. Because I don't want to put my hand that close to the toilet seat and risk touching it (especially the underside, yaaagh). And it works fine, thankyouverymuch and that's all I'm going to say about it.

And while I don't agree:

Anything less is a hygienic holocaust.

was pretty damn funny.

You know, people are shaped differently, including their posteriors. Why is it so shocking that they would groom/clean themselves differently?
posted by emjaybee at 11:44 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

My husband is about to get a very strange txt.

I am actually praying that mine doesn't post in this thread. TMI even for marriage.
posted by desjardins at 11:45 AM on December 16, 2009

Wait... sitting or standing? To do what exactly?

OH.... oh God. All these years...
posted by Ratio at 11:46 AM on December 16, 2009

Discussions like these are why I love Metafilter.

For the record: sitting, from the side. Not recommended for shallow toilets (don't ask).
posted by bDiddy at 11:52 AM on December 16, 2009

everyone from Jersey wiped standing up

Data point: I'm from New Jersey and I wipe sitting down.

My wife stands to wipe after peeing, and I hate it - because there's almost always that one drop on the toilet seat afterwards.

Oh FOR FUCK'S SAKE. So that's the explanation behind the random mystery drops on my goddamned toilet seat. I've wondered this for years now, because I'm particularly conscientious about leaving the seat in pristine, immediately re-sittable condition when I've finished, and I just naturally assumed the lady of the household would be the same.

Apparently my wife is a stander. There will be words exchanged about this. Oh yes. There will be words.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 11:55 AM on December 16, 2009 [46 favorites]

Go through the 5 hole from the front. Seriously, this isn't rocket science.

No, sorry, that doesn't work for me. For one, way too much potential for poopy tp to balls contact. I assume, from your handle, that you are feminine. When you've got a couple of Grade A eggs hanging down from the front, it makes things a little different. If you are a guy, well, then your balls smell like shit. Also, again, too much arm to toilet seat contact potential.

I find that small, controlled gestures keep the shit where it belongs. Really, if your shit is so runny that you can easily wipe it straight from your ass to your balls, you need to eat more fiber.

I actually have quite healthy BMs, most of the time (except on buffalo wings night), but still -- standing, bent slightly over, from balls to bottom, gets me clean as a whistle, which is what my farts sound like.

I will hereby offer to go up against any sitting MeFite in a butt-clean-test at the next Meet-Up near me. We'll get some sort of scientist to come in and check our post-doodie anuses and compare the amount of fecal remnant. I'll put my butt up against anybody's.
posted by Saxon Kane at 12:01 PM on December 16, 2009 [9 favorites]

I grabbed a wad

You mean a folded pile of paper right? Right?

I mean I guess I don't care, you're not my bathroom-sharer but I remember when I found out a boyfriend of mine in college was wiping his ass with wadded up paper I felt

- no wonder his ass isn't clean
- that seems like something a six year old does

But I guess a lot of people don't really evolve their wiping habits between age six and age twenty possibly. And yeah C_D the standing drippers [male or female] are the bane of my existence.
posted by jessamyn at 12:05 PM on December 16, 2009 [4 favorites]

Saxon - I see your point but I know that some men wipe from the front. So it's not physically impossible, and in at least one case, their balls do not smell like shit.

I also don't understand this obsession with touching the toilet seat. Unless you're hovering, a large area of your skin is already touching the seat. Going in from the front will protect your precious ball area (may I suggest lifting them out of the way with your hand?) and allow the easy access that you experience while sitting down.

I don't really care how people wipe their asses, but you clearly do. I'm just offering a different perspective.
posted by muddgirl at 12:05 PM on December 16, 2009

Standing is acceptable to some of you (i use the word loosely) people? Needing to pull your cheeks apart manually? Reaching between your legs to wipe back to front?? I am now of the opinion that there may actually be some folks who literally could NOT find their own asshole with both hands and a flashlight.

But, all bathroom behaviors can be changed for the better. I know this... because about a year or two ago I started buying packs of those wet-wipes, like this. Seriously, my actual TP usage was able to decrease by like 300%, and my ass is *sparkling* after a pass or two with a few squares of TP and using just one of the wet-wipes. It's like your tuchus gets it's own bath, every time! I absolutely cannot evangelize about this enough. Really, think about it - if you got shit on the back of your forearm, would you be content to just wipe it down with a dry paper towel a couple times? No, you would scrub that bitch down. Do your ass the same courtesy, you won't regret it.
posted by FatherDagon at 12:06 PM on December 16, 2009 [4 favorites]

This is hilarious. I am a woman and stood for the first several years of my life. At some point in my teens I switched to sitting. I think I had a revelation at some point that those toilets with the automatic flush always flushed when I went to wipe, sprinkling my ass with horrific public toilet water, and decided to try remaining stationary while I did it. Sure enough, it worked out okay.

Standing women, this is a really good reason to switch to sitting. Especially if you go to Disneyland or some other place with a lot of auto-flush toilets often.
posted by crinklebat at 12:07 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

The amazing thing, of course, is that one group has been unaware of the other group. I have never considered wiping standing up (I'm tall, if that makes any difference). I'll read this thread when I get off work, then, at my next opportunity, I will try something I've never tried in fifty years: wiping while standing.
posted by kozad at 12:07 PM on December 16, 2009

I quickly stopped thinking of Cortex.

Ha!
posted by cortex at 12:09 PM on December 16, 2009

Am I the only one who does both? I like a little variety, in all asspects of my life.
posted by molecicco at 12:11 PM on December 16, 2009 [7 favorites]

I've been a stander for a long time...and now that I've discovered Cottonelle Fresh Wipes, things are never the same. I'm just thankful that I haven't picked up my dad's habit of reading while in the bathroom (no doubt there's a long discussion of THAT subject here on Metafilter as well).
posted by Telpethoron at 12:21 PM on December 16, 2009

good lord what the fuck

I mean seriously, I am never going to be able to use the bathroom again without being paralyzed with self-conscious fear of wiping my ass incorrectly.

switched procedures when I discovered the auto-flush toilets at work go off immediately after standing
posted by backseatpilot at 12:21 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

6' 3": Lifelong sitter. It actually baffles me that people would ever stand. On the rare occasion where I've started the deed to find an empty toilet paper roll and I've had to stand/waddle to the cabinet for a spare roll I've always wound up with smeared, muddy cheeks and way more gravitational efforts atempting to dislodge chunks onto the testicles dangling below. Plus, now that I know that you folks are dripping urine and fecal matter on the seat (and NOT wiping it up afteryourselves) I'm just totally disgusted by this standing population.

I'm tall, my body temp runs warm, and this means that I um *dangle dangerously close to the water below* - possibly too close for some - but only in extremely rare cases have I ever dunked in the tank (as in I can count it on one hand over 33 years.) Folks - its simple - you lean ot the side while wiping and practice your kiegels. Unless there is a major plumbing issue where you are crapping into a flooded toilet, I'd find it an amost impossibility.
posted by Nanukthedog at 12:23 PM on December 16, 2009

I mean I guess I don't care, you're not my bathroom-sharer but I remember when I found out a boyfriend of mine in college was wiping his ass with wadded up paper I felt

- no wonder his ass isn't clean
- that seems like something a six year old does

Wha? This sounds like the Stallone/Bullock scene in Demolition Man where he's trying to figure out what to do with the three shells. Which is to say, what's the alternative when bidets aren't standard-issue?
posted by Mayor West at 12:24 PM on December 16, 2009

Standing. Born and raised in New Orleans. Transwoman. Skinny, so there's no fear of monstrous ass-cheeks squishing residue around before I get to wiping.

The idea of wiping while sitting grosses me out; I keep having these visions of my knuckles coming into contact with a particularly large shit. Yuck.
posted by egypturnash at 12:25 PM on December 16, 2009

This is one helluva year-capping thread. I love it.

Stand. Because I don't want to put my hand that close to the toilet seat and risk touching it (especially the underside, yaaagh).

Okay, that cracked me up, and not to tease you too much (I'm a sitter--or leaner, as it were), but it makes me laugh that you're skeeved out about touching the toilet lid while in the act of wiping your ass.

Disclosure: during most of my childhood years, I was a stander. Then, sometime in my early teens, I had a Homer moment along the lines of: "Hey, what the hell am I doing standing up and using my legs like a sucker?" Never looked back.

But we all look back, don't we? I think it's hardwired. "Better check to make sure nothing weird came out."
posted by Skot at 12:26 PM on December 16, 2009

Be careful what you post -- the health insurance companies will jack up your premiums if a claims examiner comes in here and finds out you're brown-balling.
posted by crapmatic at 12:26 PM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

>>Am I the only one who does both? I like a little variety, in all asspects of my life
I also, am an ambi-wiper
posted by wuakeen at 12:28 PM on December 16, 2009

"If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be sweet and wipe the seat".

This thread has been extremely enlightening in a TMI way.
posted by immlass at 12:29 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'm convinced that some woman (or women?) in my office building is deliberately dripping on the seat just to fuck with me. I choose to believe she is the same person that stole both rolls of toilet paper one day.

Between the drip possibility, using a menstrual cup and toilets that auto-flush, it just makes sense to sit.

I have no idea what I would do if I was a dude and had to deal with external genitalia. I don't know how you guys do anything without your balls getting in the way.

And what is the deal with those paper seat protector things? Does anyone actually think that those do anything?
posted by giraffe at 12:32 PM on December 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

FWIW the TP roll on the inside prevents the cat from spinning the entire roll of paper onto the floor.
posted by Gungho at 12:34 PM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

Huh. Now I've asked my boyfriend whether he sits or stands. I feel like our relationship is complete.

On the other hand, I now know which most of metafilter does too. I feel so close to you guys, what do you want for Christmas?
posted by birdie birdington at 12:37 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

5-hole back to front has never resulted in shitballs here. If you somehow managed to do that then I question the seriousness with which you clean your ass.
posted by WinnipegDragon at 12:39 PM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

Metafilter: I question the seriousness with which you clean your ass.
posted by Skot at 12:41 PM on December 16, 2009 [12 favorites]

Not to derail, but this is pretty much related: guys, what do you do with your junk when taking a poop? In or out?
posted by melt away at 12:50 PM on December 16, 2009

Sitting-propped-up, with one foot on the seat - it's the only comfortable way for me to reach properly. Using my non-dominant hand, though I have no idea why now that I think about it, except perhaps habit.
posted by NMcCoy at 12:50 PM on December 16, 2009

Discussions like these are why I love Metafilter.

Spot on!
posted by mouthnoize at 12:54 PM on December 16, 2009

Not to derail, but this is pretty much related: guys, what do you do with your junk when taking a poop? In or out?

Well, I think it would be pretty hard to poop with your dick up your ass, don't you?
posted by backseatpilot at 12:55 PM on December 16, 2009 [13 favorites]

It's not so bad
posted by LoopyG at 12:56 PM on December 16, 2009

You see, if you sit and then lean to the side opposite of your wipin' hand things tend to...adjust nicely which then allows you access to the necessary areas without any obstacles, such as your ample butt cheeks, to get in the way.

It's similar to the difference of the standing and sitting positions while shooting a rifle. Which position will give you a higher score as a marksmen? Sitting of course. As far as I know no one has really ever come up with a way to wipe while prone which is the most accurate way to shoot.
posted by zzazazz at 12:58 PM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

Dispense eight panels of toilet paper. Hold one end between your index finger and thumb of your left hand while using the right hand to spool the paper around the stationary left hand. When finished, remove spooled paper with right hand and wipe. Check. Is your ass clean? If yes, stand and flush. If no, repeat.

If you have skid-marks in your underwear it is because you do not know how to wipe your ass. I have never, ever, no-not-even-once had skidmarks in my underwear. In my life. Ever. It's poop! On your clothes! For God's sakes people! Standing up to wipe? Wadding the paper in a ball? Not checking? Poop on your clothes!
posted by Baby_Balrog at 1:00 PM on December 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

I can't believe I'm second-guessing my entire life over this thread.
posted by june made him a gemini at 1:07 PM on December 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

The reason you stand before putting any paper into the toilet is so you can inspect the product and see if it is one of those magnificent long perfectly cylindrical beautifully tinted light umber prismacolor # 941 products. It is a sacrilege to produce such a product and not have a clear view of it which takes your breath away.
posted by bukvich at 1:08 PM on December 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

If you have skid-marks in your underwear it is because you do not know how to wipe your ass. I have never, ever, no-not-even-once had skidmarks in my underwear.

I used to say this very same thing to my spouse. I would hold it over him, in fact, every laundry day.

But then one week, there it was. A skidmark. Oh how the mighty hath fallen.
posted by muddgirl at 1:16 PM on December 16, 2009

Dude. Perhaps TMI, but anyone who has travelled in the tropics (which is like living in a petri dish) and picked up a parasite knows that you learn to complete your toilette in a variety of postures and from a variety of directions each time.

You gotta keep it clean, and you gotta use all the facilities you find at the time because you don't know when you might find facilities again.

Not a lot of international travellers in that sample, I'm thinking.
posted by clvrmnky at 1:18 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'm a stander; my wife is a sitter. She's a wadder; I'm a folder. Potty-training our 2.5-year-old next week is going to be interesting!
posted by mrbarrett.com at 1:25 PM on December 16, 2009

You'll stop leaning to wipe as soon as you meet your first loose seat.

And who wipes with their dominant hand? That's just gross! You use that hand to do all kinds of stuff! You touch most stuff with it! So therefore, not your butt and poo! It just makes sense!

And use the cloth, people. I might want to wash my face. Or my feet.
posted by Eideteker at 1:28 PM on December 16, 2009

I can't believe that I am actually posting to this thread, but seriously -- 40 years and I didn't know about the sitters. It makes me wonder if I should raise this issue with my kids. Am I damaging them by raising them as standers? Though it dawns on me that I don't have any clue what they actually do. So is this sitting thing a taught behavior, or something that people develop over time as they got older?
posted by cgk at 1:32 PM on December 16, 2009

You people are crazy! Just lick your ass and be done with it!

Sincerely,

My cat
posted by billysumday at 1:32 PM on December 16, 2009 [14 favorites]

So, after somewhat implicating myself as a "stander," I decided to give the whole sitting-while-wiping thing a try. I had to use the bathroom anyway, and now's as good a time as any.

So I'm now done, and ready to wipe, and I thought of Cortex. That didn't last long, because I then thought of Bondcliff, who'd authored that little comment. I soon realized I wasn't thinking of Bondcliff at all, and I couldn't quite recall what Bondcliff looked like, or if I'd actually met him at all.

In fact, I was thinking of Horace Rumpole, which is exceedingly strange, as he hasn't even been part of this here conversation. Either way, it didn't last long, because thoughts of Plutor entered my head next, and as the train of thought chugged from station to shitty station, the MIT bathroom I was in reminded me of Robocop is Bleeding. Here's where it gets stranger yet; I realized that my entire on-the-bowl thought process was incredibly boy-zone, and my subconscious attempted to even it out, and I thought of Metroid Baby and Grapefruit Moon, neither of whom have commented here either.

So, after this experiment, I can conclusively say that I will not be attending the next Boston Meetup.
posted by explosion at 1:34 PM on December 16, 2009 [11 favorites]

bukvich

I'm not judging you as a person (you're probably a lovely person), but the fact that it takes your breath away is not a feature.

personally, I use the QuickFlush® approach and evacuate anything before it sees the light of day
posted by Hypnotic Chick at 1:35 PM on December 16, 2009

Not to derail, but this is pretty much related: guys, what do you do with your junk when taking a poop? In or out?

...in WHAT?
posted by Dormant Gorilla at 1:38 PM on December 16, 2009

I thought the whole world sat until a couple of years ago, when I guy I know told me he stood to wipe (this was in a thread on another site discussing bathroom etiquette). Until this thread here, I thought that guy was just some weird outlier. But no...half the world stands to wipe?

And on top of that, some people use crumpled up toilet paper to wipe? What? How is that in any way efficient? Or sanitary?

The whole world takes on a weirder, browner hue today.
posted by m0nm0n at 1:41 PM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

I couldn't quite recall what Bondcliff looked like, or if I'd actually met him at all.

Yeah, we've met. Glad to know I made the same impact on you as I make on, well, pretty much everyone.

And yeah, the next Boston meetup is gonna be a-w-k-w-a-r-d. We should all meet at Qdoba, drink a shitload of beer, and then find a place to go horseback riding or something.
posted by bondcliff at 1:42 PM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

Not to derail, but this is pretty much related: guys, what do you do with your junk when taking a poop? In or out?

Like most men, I drape my penis and balls on the toilet seat when sitting to OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT WHO DOES THIS?
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:44 PM on December 16, 2009 [21 favorites]

I think that we standers can take pride in the fact that we have a kick-ass anthem.
posted by Saxon Kane at 2:10 PM on December 16, 2009

Oh, and re: crumpled toilet paper, my theory has always been: more folds, more penetration, more surface area.
posted by Saxon Kane at 2:13 PM on December 16, 2009 [6 favorites]

And who wipes with their dominant hand? That's just gross! You use that hand to do all kinds of stuff! You touch most stuff with it! So therefore, not your butt and poo! It just makes sense!

That's why, if I remember correctly, cutting off the right hand in (some) Arabic countries as punishment for crime is not just painful and humiliating but, in theory, a death sentence. Since much of their food is eaten communally (from one big serving, rather than with individual portions) no one is going to want to eat with you if you're sticking the hand you wipe your ass with into the pot of food.

Sorry for 3 posts in a row -- I didn't mean to shit in the thread. I guess I just have diarrhea of the mouth today.
posted by Saxon Kane at 2:17 PM on December 16, 2009

my theory has always been: more folds, more penetration, more surface area.

That's your brain not your butt.
posted by jessamyn at 2:19 PM on December 16, 2009 [7 favorites]

jessamyn: but someone once told me that I had my head up my ass...
posted by Saxon Kane at 2:21 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

... And I'm a Pediatrician.

:)
posted by Anything at 2:22 PM on December 16, 2009

re; wadding vs folding: i use both techniques, depending on the type of paper. if you crumple single ply, i find it behaves more like double ply. and, yeah, more surface area. on the other hand, higher possibility for weird linty bits sticking to you.
posted by rmd1023 at 2:22 PM on December 16, 2009

Them fancy Japanese toilets? They come with the bidet attached! It's called a washlet, and they're available in American and have been for at least a couple years. In addition to helping with the cleaning process, they have seat warmers as well.

And sit. Can't even imagine standing. Also, I've always been mystified by the idea of the left hand taboo in many parts of the world, that the left hand is unclean because that's what you use to wipe. Huh? My left hand is nigh-useless for anything but playing bass (and pretty useless at that, too). If I were to use my left hand to wipe, well, let's just say I'd need some highly concentrated solvents to ever feel clean again.
posted by Ghidorah at 2:23 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Wait, what? STANDING?!

You're all savages, doing a bad thing & should feel bad about yourselves.

Team Bidet
posted by Space Kitty at 2:26 PM on December 16, 2009

I wipe while standing, but I DID know about the others. My wife, for one, wipes sitting down, as Ive been in there while she does it.

Personally, Ive tried it both ways and I MUCH prefer standing. I pick up one leg like Im about to piss on something and get in there with some wadded up toilet paper and wipe/pull that shit out. Sure, sometimes you get a little on your ass cheeks, but then you just wipe it off of there too and shower daily.

Actually, I just took a shit and tried to wipe sitting. While I could see how it is physically done, I couldnt put my hand down there because I am afraid of hitting the piss/shit water.
posted by subaruwrx at 2:29 PM on December 16, 2009

Are we still gathering data points?

Sitting wadder.
posted by yhbc at 2:34 PM on December 16, 2009

"Why stand when you can sit?" -- Winston Churchill
posted by pracowity at 2:43 PM on December 16, 2009

I don't enjoy it because I'm "delicate", I don't enjoy it because it's so stupid.
posted by Zambrano at 2:48 PM on December 16, 2009

Standing to wipe seems like the perfect recipe for a) squeezing shit all over everywhere into every hidden nook and cranny and b) getting shit all over your hands as you grope around your ass hunting down the last bit of it.

Sit. Grab junk and lift. Reach between legs. Two swipes and you're clean.
posted by bunnytricks at 2:56 PM on December 16, 2009

I imagine that there is some correlation between the ladies who wipe their ass while standing and the ladies who hover pee. Then again, ladies who hover pee might not hover poop. Hell, they might not poop at all.

Ironically, there definitely a strong correlation between ladies who hover pee, and the problem of pee on toilet seats.
posted by evidenceofabsence at 2:56 PM on December 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

Baby_Balrog: "Dispense eight panels of toilet paper."...

Just wonderin', how many times a day does your shitter clog up? Eight squares per wipe? Holy shit.
posted by notsnot at 3:02 PM on December 16, 2009

bukvich: "The reason you stand before putting any paper into the toilet is so you can inspect the product and see if it is one of those magnificent long perfectly cylindrical beautifully tinted light umber prismacolor # 941 products. It is a sacrilege to produce such a product and not have a clear view of it which takes your breath away."

You're a big fan of German toilets, ain'cha?

(oh, and it's not teh *view* that's taking your breath away.)
posted by notsnot at 3:05 PM on December 16, 2009

Sit. Grab junk and lift. Reach between legs.

Front-wiping is treason and you deserve death.
posted by billysumday at 3:07 PM on December 16, 2009 [5 favorites]

What, nobody carpet-scoots?
posted by Ron Thanagar at 3:10 PM on December 16, 2009 [19 favorites]

Front-wiping is treason and you deserve death.

The front wipers of the world will smother you heretical foul-assed dogs with our remarkably well polished taints.
posted by bunnytricks at 3:13 PM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

And who wipes with their dominant hand? That's just gross! You use that hand to do all kinds of stuff! You touch most stuff with it! So therefore, not your butt and poo! It just makes sense!

That's why I wash my hands after! Seriously, don't you?!?

Female, Sitter, Folder, first TP then Cottonelle Wipe.
posted by TooFewShoes at 3:16 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

front wipers of the world...our remarkably well polished taints

Not seeing how wiping your poop across the taint leads to a cleaner taint. Science, can we please commence some research studies into this matter.
posted by billysumday at 3:17 PM on December 16, 2009

Regarding the instant-flush toilets: try draping a little piece of tissue over the sensor prior to any further activity - this will likely disable it enough that you won't be the subject of a sudden flush. Courteously pulling the tissue off the sensor as a last step ensures that you're safely on your way out the door before being caught in the plume of aerosolized public restroom toilet water.
posted by Graygorey at 3:22 PM on December 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

It turns out someone conducted a survey on both sitting/standing and front-to-back/back-to-front, broken down by gender. The results are interesting, but not as interesting as the data point involving "the spoon".
posted by waxboy at 3:33 PM on December 16, 2009

The sitters who claim that standing will squeeze shit all over everywhere... well, I just wonder what exactly you are eating that your shit is just splurting every which way. Do you leave solid chunks hanging from your butthole? I for one take my time when pooping. It's ME time, and I'm in no rush to finish, so I let gravity do as much to help as I can. Plus, when I'm on my throne, I try to spread the cheeks pretty wide so I get good clearance on any large logs; like Larry Craig, I have a wide stance. That can be tough, of course, when it's hot and you've got a sweaty ass that slipnslides all over the seat... hate that.

Anyway, even though I am, always have been, and probably always will be a stander, I would like to reach under the stall to my sitting friends. Let's tap our feet together, pass the toilet paper, and flush to politely cover unpleasant grunts and other noises. In trouble times, do we really need MORE conflict and division? We're not red states or blue states, sitting states or standing states; we're all brown states. No matter what are differences, we all say, "I'm Just a Human Being."
posted by Saxon Kane at 3:36 PM on December 16, 2009

Squat Toilet + Bidet hose is the way to go, but given that those options pretty much don't exist in the US I've got to say wiping crouched.
posted by BrotherCaine at 3:36 PM on December 16, 2009

Edina: Why do you have to pick on everything I do? Darling, all I want is a few little things, a few little pleasures, a few little crutches to help me get through life, darling.

Saffie: Get through? Mum, you've absolved yourself of responsibility. You live from self-induced crisis to self-induced crisis. Someone does your hair, someone chooses what you wear, someone does your brain, someone tells you what to eat and three times a week someone sticks a hose up your bum and flushes it all out of you.

Edina: Oh. OH... It's called colonic irrigation, darling. It's not to be sniffed at.

Saffie: Why can't you just go to the toilet like normal people?

Edina: Is that what you really want me to be, darling? NORMAL? Some boring, old, normal, old, toilet goer, huh? HMM? "Where is mommy?" "She's on the TOILET." "But I want to go somewhere interesting and meet exciting people". "Well, she can't take you while she's on the bloody TOILET". Why, anybody can go to the toilet, darling, these days.

Saffie: Well, they obviously haven't seen YOU drunk.

- Absolutely Fabulous, "Fashion"

P.S. Sitter and wipe from the front.
posted by crossoverman at 3:50 PM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

How up is up?
posted by unknowncommand at 3:54 PM on December 16, 2009

Of course, "Standing” and “Sitting” are not being used in the truest sense of the words: Standers are more “hovering”, and Sitters are more “leaning”, but you get the picture.

Wait, what? I don't get it.
posted by unknowncommand at 4:00 PM on December 16, 2009

This thread really makes a compelling case for anonymous posting on MetaFilter. There are some things I don't want to share under my name, and there are some things I've learned about people that I just didn't want to know.
posted by m0nm0n at 4:04 PM on December 16, 2009

So I'm now done, and ready to wipe, and I thought of ...

notmenotmepleasenotmenotmeplease...
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:09 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Wow. This is so like the male pube trimming thing.
posted by Artw at 4:11 PM on December 16, 2009

While we're on the subject, honest question for you squat toilet people:

How does that work out for people with bad knees and/or old folks?
posted by evidenceofabsence at 4:14 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

I trained a monkey to wipe me. My ass isn't just clean; it's monkey clean.

well, I just wonder what exactly you are eating that your shit is just splurting every which way.

WE FEAST ON YOUR PAIN AND SUFFERING AND MANIFOLD INDIGNITIES.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:16 PM on December 16, 2009

Wow. This is so like the male pube trimming thing.

A topic over which my brother and I have come to fisticuffs.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 4:20 PM on December 16, 2009

I've always been a stander but I've started to sit-wipe occasionally, especially in public toilets - just feels more discreet. It took a while to grasp the concept of how to even do it, because you can't just lean forward - unless you're OK with your junk hitting the toilet seat. For me the only way it works is to actually lean far to the left and a bit forward to get clear of the seat. Sit-wiping also seems way more difficult with the smaller seats that you generally have at home vs. the large public seats.

Sitting really seems to ruin toilet seats in the long term though - the warped, left-twisted seats of the office toilets are a testament to that.
posted by pravit at 4:22 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

While we're on the subject, honest question for you squat toilet people:

How does that work out for people with bad knees and/or old folks?

Somewhat badly I suspect. However, in countries where people are used to squatting, I suspect there are fewer people with bad knees/backs (other than industrial injury, etc...)
posted by BrotherCaine at 4:23 PM on December 16, 2009

I've been thinking about posting this exact question on AskMeFi for the longest time. Three things precipitated my question about this:

1) I once accidentally saw someone wiping while sitting, and it blew my mind that this was even a possibility. This triggered my thought process... "Am I doing it wrong?"

2) The automatic toilet always flushes while I'm wiping, meaning that I have to flush again when I'm done. This doesn't seem to happen to most other people, though. This reinforced my doubts, but I also think that the toilet sensor is dumb.

3) I'm going to need to toilet train my son at some point. I want to make sure I do it right.

The fact that this has come up on the blue means that my theory of Metafilter is correct: Just as they say that if you stand in one place long enough, you'll see the whole world pass by, if you watch long Metafilter enough, you'll see all of humanity's knowledge get posted.
posted by Simon Barclay at 4:25 PM on December 16, 2009

This standing thing explains strange shoe movements observed in stalls next to me over the years.

Um, well, maybe.
posted by en forme de poire at 4:26 PM on December 16, 2009

Am I the only one that sits to wipe, then wipes again while standing just to make sure?
posted by biochemist at 4:30 PM on December 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

Let's all gang up on the edge-case deviant.
posted by Artw at 4:36 PM on December 16, 2009

Standing folder—I don't even understand how you sitting people and crumpling people function.
posted by limeonaire at 4:43 PM on December 16, 2009

subaruwrx: "Ive been in there while she does it."

WAIT NO WAIT NO WAIT I've been totally "huh, the world is full of all kinds of people and I don't care that some of them do things differently than I do" but NO NO NO THAT'S WRONG.
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:47 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Lean forward while remaining firmly connected to seat for maximal maneuverability.

Also, Toto washlet.

And vi.
posted by ellenaim at 4:48 PM on December 16, 2009

What, exactly, is considered standing? I wipe in a squat position, with my buttocks raised off the seat in order to allow easy access. Is that standing, or sitting?

And I see a lot of people here expressing fear that their hands might touch the water or a turd...this is only a problem with American-style toilets. I was shocked when I first traveled to the US and Canada to find that your toilet water level is so high! It's like a big bucket, with the turds floating in circles, way up close to your arse! Why on earth? With the water up so high, you seem to be at a much greater risk of splash-back.

Australian toilets are much more conical shaped, with a little pool of water way down in the bottom. Seems like the way you should go.
posted by Jimbob at 4:49 PM on December 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

Given that there's a 50/50 split between standers and sitters, and maybe a 50/50 split between crumplers and folders, that means that ~75% of the people in your office do it differently than you. Think about that at the next department meeting.

I'm not saying, btw. I don't think even my husband knows.
posted by desjardins at 4:54 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Leaning forward and reaching back turns out to be precisely the best way to dangle your junk against the rim and inner surface of a toilet bowl. Which, as refreshing as it might feel on a hot summer day, is overall a pretty big incentive to stand as far as I'm concerned.
posted by hermitosis at 4:55 PM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

Here's the thing: any contention over which method (standing/sitting, or even crumpling/folding) results in a cleaner ass could potentially be resolved if the survey included the "do you look after each wipe?" question, too. I wonder if a certain group is more apt to look post-wipe; this seems important.

p.s., this book covers some of these issues.
posted by sentient at 4:57 PM on December 16, 2009

I don't sit down or crouch to poop. You people are weird. What a waste of time. You are just going to stand up again.
posted by milarepa at 5:11 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Oh, and wiping is weirdos, too.

...weirdos.
posted by milarepa at 5:13 PM on December 16, 2009

How does that work out for people with bad knees and/or old folks?

I was hit by a car last year while driving my scooter and ended up wth a broken leg and a damaged wrist. On opposite sides. When you're already in pain and can't walk, relearning how to do the most basic personal hygene is .... irksome. To say the least.
posted by anastasiav at 5:34 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

As mentioned on QI a couple of weeks ago:

I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains. Rabelais, Gargantua

So apparently we've *all* been doing it wrong all this time.
posted by filmgoerjuan at 5:35 PM on December 16, 2009 [12 favorites]

I poop in the sink, so I'm already halfway standing by the time I have to wipe.
posted by Demogorgon at 5:48 PM on December 16, 2009

Also, I take a shower immediately afterward.
posted by Demogorgon at 5:48 PM on December 16, 2009

I, too, used to finish off with cottonelle wipes until I found out that "flushable" wipes are not flushable. You are supposed to prevent pipe blockage by throwing the wipes in the trash. I am not throwing poopy wipes in my trash can at home. So, I've switched. But I really can't bring myself to say anymore on the topic.

From the original link: The main benefit however is that your cheeks are automatically spread way apart, so you can really get in there, even draw a little blood which is when you know you really wiped well.

I get the idea that this is a very masculine approach: X-Treme Wiping! If you are not bleeding, you are not doing right!
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 5:49 PM on December 16, 2009

Female, checking in. And a sitter.

I was gobsmacked to read that people stand. What about the potential SQUOOOSHING of fecal materials as your butt muscles clench as you stand up? Ewwwwww!!! Seriously, I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

I sit, I tilt my ass to one side, leaving plenty of space between the toilet seat and butt cheek for serious wiping. I wipe at least 3 times. I check to see how clean that last wipe was. Still some brown? Get back down and wipe again.

My ass muscles remain plenty relaxed, no squooshing, and life is good again.

I cannot believe I just wrote about my ass-wiping technique. I heart Metafilter.
posted by HeyAllie at 5:55 PM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

Standing is a Welsh/Roma thing. And people who use Emacs.

You don't know how to use your .emacs file yet? Add this:
(setq wipe-while-standing nil)

And you'll probably want to define a shortcut for:
M-x wipe-bottom
while you're at it.
posted by sebastienbailard at 6:07 PM on December 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

This entire thread is what the internet is for. I am proud of you. Each and every one of you.
posted by clvrmnky at 6:13 PM on December 16, 2009 [5 favorites]

If you stand to wipe, it is because you never unlearned that behaviour from your toddler-hood, when your mother would stand you up, pull one cheek aside, and wipe for you. I am really surprised at how disgusted I am at the very idea.

As for toilet phobia, the trick (at public toilets; it's just dumb to bother at home) is to put two-layer strip of "landing pad" on the rim/seat for your dick to rest upon. Arse cheeks? They're impervious to piss, and if the seat is worse than that, it's time to hover. Ugh.

Myself, I'm planning to buy a Japanese bidet-style seat. That's how a civilized person does business: a proper washing.

There's a photo floating around on the net of a rather large woman walking with a friend in what appears to be a fair or exhibition, a massive cluster of flies swarming the backside her jeans, right in the asshole area. My bet: she stands to wipe.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:28 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

I....

I don't know which way I wipe. How's that for awesome? I just don't fill my brain up with shit that much, I guess.
posted by Night_owl at 6:40 PM on December 16, 2009

Damn. I think I'm just going to hold it in from now on...
posted by nonliteral at 6:41 PM on December 16, 2009

That's why I wash my hands after! Seriously, don't you?!?

Female, Sitter, Folder, first TP then Cottonelle Wipe.

Wait, what?

Female, sitter, wadder, first cottonelle wipes, then TP, to dry and double check that you've gotten everything.

For those who say they want to see their shit before putting TP in the bowl, I usually just tilt and glance. Okay, okay. I always tilt and glance.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:41 PM on December 16, 2009

Cottonelle
also:
"I grabbed a wad"
You mean a folded pile of paper right? Right?

I am always dumbfounded when I've had a guest over and when they're gone, half the bog roll is missing. Well, I stumbled across a link some time ago that had data on people's toilet paper usage habits. It was mind-blowing.

There are people out there who will use feet of tissue with each wipe. They're wiping out entire goddamn forests to wipe their asses. Possibly while standing up.

And then we have the people who use Cottonelle-style hyper-processed, semi-synthetic, non-degrading "tissues" that are 10x the environmental impact of the already-wasteful bleached pulp tissues.

What. The. Fuck. People?

It's just gonna be swell to look the grandkids in the eye and tell them "Yup, we ruined the planet because we were afraid of poop." Sweet jesus.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:48 PM on December 16, 2009 [4 favorites]

And then we have the people who use Cottonelle-style hyper-processed, semi-synthetic, non-degrading "tissues" that are 10x the environmental impact of the already-wasteful bleached pulp tissues.

It's not a matter of being afraid of poop! It's a matter of being tired of having a slightly itchy butt! I use so much less toilet paper now! And . . . and . . .

Okay, this thread has gotten too weird even for me.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:51 PM on December 16, 2009

Well, for what it's worth, Cottonelle is advertising that they fall apart on-flush now.
Also just because I'm afraid of poop doesn't -- well.. LEAVE ME ALONE.
posted by june made him a gemini at 6:54 PM on December 16, 2009

Goddamn autoflush toilets take a look at my fishbellywhite ass and flush and flush and flush for the love of god stop it.
posted by desuetude at 6:54 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'm always afraid those little red lights are hidden cameras.
posted by june made him a gemini at 6:57 PM on December 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

Dispense eight panels of toilet paper. Hold one end between your index finger and thumb of your left hand while using the right hand to spool the paper around the stationary left hand. When finished, remove spooled paper with right hand and wipe. Check. Is your ass clean? If yes, stand and flush. If no, repeat.

WTF? Why are you putting four squares of toilet paper on the back of your hand?

Three or four squares (they're actually rectangles). Folded. And because you check — I know you do — you can fold it over and re-use for one more wipe.

I am pretty certain I've never really given a lot of thought to how I shit and wipe, but clearly I've got one helluva lot more on the ball than a lot of people. Cocks dangling against the bowl? Hands bumping turds? Standing up? Using a forest from fear of poop?

Gods. It is to despair.
posted by five fresh fish at 7:02 PM on December 16, 2009

I just use a diaper and change it once a week or so.
posted by maxwelton at 7:18 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

they're actually rectangles

NOT IN AMERICA!!!

When I lived in Romania not only did the toilets have the little shelves in them which I thought was weird, but the toilet paper was basically like those brown paper towels you see in old fashioned rest rooms. Not perforated. On the bright side, it cost like three cents a roll. On the downside, it was scratchy. That said every public toilet in Romania in 1995 seemed to have had the toilet seat stolen and you had to BYOP. Strange days.
posted by jessamyn at 7:19 PM on December 16, 2009

WTF? Why are you putting four squares of toilet paper on the back of your hand?

"...remove spooled paper with right hand." Thus you have eight panels between you and your asshole. I've found that (with the cheap-ass single ply toilet paper we buy) this allows you to use a single... dispensation... of tp four or five times until you burn through the first six layers. It allows for multiple passes with the same unit of tp. Of course, I consider myself a professional at this sort of thing so you might want to start with double-ply.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 7:21 PM on December 16, 2009

I am slightly ashamed to admit how I was relieved to learn that my husband uses the same method as I do. (sitting/folding)
posted by sunshinesky at 7:27 PM on December 16, 2009

Of course, I consider myself a professional at this sort of thing so you might want to start with double-ply.

Well I consider you a heretic!
posted by WinnipegDragon at 7:46 PM on December 16, 2009

Of course, I consider myself a professional at this sort of thing so you might want to start with double-ply.

Your user profile doesn't list your occupation as butt wiper, is it a side gig?
posted by BrotherCaine at 7:49 PM on December 16, 2009

I've posed this question to many friends and I'm consistently mortified whenever the answer is 'sitting.' Standing clearly seems to be the much cleaner option. I don't understand the idea/thought that there is 'smushing' whilst standing...when you stand you do not jog in place before you wipe. You make sure you're finished, stand with legs slightly spread apart, grab some tp and take care of business (obviously checking the toilet paper after each wipe to determine when you are finished taking care of said business). Next time I wipe my ass I'm going to stand triumphantly. Standers unite!
posted by arm426 at 7:49 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

“they're actually rectangles”

NOT IN AMERICA!!!

Really? We currently have Scott 2-Ply and it's 9.9x10.1cm. Which is much more square than I thought they were. Damn square. I could have sworn it was more like 10x12. I expected to find they were 4" x 4.5", actually.

(with the cheap-ass single ply toilet paper we buy) this allows you to use a single

Ah. Same-same, then: 4 squares of double ply, 8 squares of single.

Worst toilet paper I've encountered, other than heinous sandpaper-like ones, were smooth, waxed squares, sharply folded for that tissues-like "pull out one, another pops out" dispensing, found in the Canadian National Parks outhouses circa 1975s.
posted by five fresh fish at 7:54 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

(obviously checking the toilet paper after each wipe to determine when you are finished taking care of said business)

Or, ya know, it's not dirty because you didn't get all the way down/in/around there. I can get a perfectly clean wipe with the very first tissue if I don't spread my ass as wide as kansas, too.
posted by five fresh fish at 7:55 PM on December 16, 2009

Female sitter. I suspect that my best friend is a stander. She is definitely a foot flusher, which I am not.
posted by inconsequentialist at 7:55 PM on December 16, 2009

and you had to BYOP. Strange days.

At first I read this as "Bring your own poop" but then I realized that it wasn't. Some public toilets in Japan, too, are BYOP.

Well, for what it's worth, Cottonelle is advertising that they fall apart on-flush now.

Here is how you can check. Fill up your sink with water. Put (unused!) wipe in sink. Swirl. Did it fall apart? No, I don't think so. That is why every city in America is having problems with their sewer systems, because flushable wipes have taken off as adult products.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 8:01 PM on December 16, 2009

Really?

Pretty close. My local roll of Shit-Begone is 4.5 in x 4.4 in.

Foot flushers are insane.
posted by jessamyn at 8:02 PM on December 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

notsnot: ""left-handed wiper""
docpops: "hygienic holocaust"
Civil_Disobedient: "There will be words"
jessamyn: "the standing drippers"
Space Kitty: "Team Bidet"
Ron Thanagar: "carpet-scoots"
ROU_Xenophobe: "MANIFOLD INDIGNITIES"
Artw: "edge-case deviant"
limeonaire: "crumpling people function"
filmgoerjuan: "arsewisps"
filmgoerjuan: "bunghole cleansers"
desuetude: "fishbellywhite"
five fresh fish: "Hands bumping turds"

There. Not only have I collected all the great phrases from this thread in one comment, I've also compiled a kick-ass list of Indie Band Names.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 8:07 PM on December 16, 2009 [23 favorites]

I don't know which way I wipe. How's that for awesome? I just don't fill my brain up with shit that much, I guess.

If you don't retain it, surely that makes you anal expulsive? Interesting combination....
posted by parudox at 8:11 PM on December 16, 2009

I don't sit down to poop. I'm a man.
posted by Eideteker at 8:13 PM on December 16, 2009

Foot flushers are insane.

I flush with my hand at home, with my foot in most public bathrooms. It's just a lot more natural, being that the handle is rarely much higher than knee height. It's amazing how absurdly low they install toilets sometimes.
posted by explosion at 8:14 PM on December 16, 2009

oh metafilter i love you so fucking much.
posted by elizardbits at 8:25 PM on December 16, 2009

Foot flushers are insane.

I KNOW. I'm enduring an epidemic in my office of foot-flushers.

desuetude: "fishbellywhite"

You stopped a little short. Fishbellywhite Ass.
posted by desuetude at 8:27 PM on December 16, 2009

I do it by lying on my back and squirming around while kicking my legs in air and crying. It's just the way I was taught.

Also, a square is a rectangle.
posted by albrecht at 8:30 PM on December 16, 2009 [11 favorites]

My wife stands to wipe after peeing, and I hate it - because there's almost always that one drop on the toilet seat afterwards.

Oh my goodness. I worked as a janitor over the summer, and that SINGLE DROP of urine on the toilet seats in the ladies room ALWAYS confused the hell out of me. But it makes perfect sense now.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 8:37 PM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

Eww! I don't think I needed to learn that a sizable portion of the population does not check the paper.

Sure, "close enough" works for horseshoes and tiddlywinks, but not for something of this importance. Having been on my share of crowded public transportation that explains a lot, though. Like, these people are bad guessers.

Who are you savages?

one ply wadder, sitter/sqatter, front to backer (again, who are you savages?)

Hi future potential employers!
posted by stagewhisper at 8:53 PM on December 16, 2009

I think we should get a life-long standing wiper to try sitting and vice versa, and they can report back on how things went.

I can take the former.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:01 PM on December 16, 2009

Huh. Add me to the list of people surprised that anyone old enough to wipe their own ass still stands. Weird.

But in the spirit of science, I will try standing, next time I am ready to wipe.
posted by Forktine at 9:03 PM on December 16, 2009

I sit down to wipe from the front, I didn't really know there was another way until my very young son was having trouble potty-training. My dad was visiting one day, and had a bit of a chat with my son about all this potty-training business. Afterwards, my dad came to me and, in a horrified sort of manner, informed me that boys always wipe from behind, no ifs, ands or butts (ha). And from that day forward, my son did much better with his potty training.
posted by 2xplor at 9:05 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Yeah, what hermitosis said.

Oh god, now I'm associating responses in this thread to names. Nonononono...
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 9:22 PM on December 16, 2009

Amanojaku: "Man. All this TP talk and nobody mentions something like Cottonelle Fresh Wipes? For shame. They're not just for babies -- my butt is literally squeaky clean, sitting OR standing."

"I... I thought I was the only one."
posted by Rhaomi at 9:38 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

So the poo thread has 193 comments, huh? Also, standing? WTF? Do people's parents teach them that?
posted by heathkit at 9:44 PM on December 16, 2009

From where I sit (ok actually I stand), the over/under TP roll-orientation debate actually relates quite a bit to the sitting/standing debate!

The hypothesis:

Sitters prefer over-the-top, while standers prefer under the bottom.

This is because when you are pulling on the paper, you are pulling it towards your body, and you want the tangent where the pulled paper meets the roll to be as far forward as possible. You want a sharp tug to tear off at the tangent, not dispense a ton more paper.

Consider the following diagram (Since I'm a stander, we'll consider this situation where the roll is incorrectly configured "over the top":


standing user, roll over top (figure A)

user     _
          \
          B\
       A /‾\ D
         \_/
          C


If the standing user yanks on the roll , the force is applied in an upward direction, causing there to be lateral friction along the roll from D to B, causing the roll to rotate.


sitting user, roll over top (figure B)
         B
      A /‾\ D
      / \_/
     /   C


If the same roll was yanked from a seated position (the correct situation), since the natural drape of the roll is to straight down tangent to A, the force is applied almost entirely at point A, causing the paper to sever.

Hopefully with a better physics background can surely explain this better than I can.
posted by joshwa at 9:50 PM on December 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

Amazingly, I've already admitted to the Metafilter community where I stand (heh) on this issue.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 10:02 PM on December 16, 2009

Ok, I initially just came in to, um, heap disdain on the long poop thread, but this is utterly mesmerizing. I shared this with a random friend I've known for 8 years, and his reaction was "you can do that sitting down?". He's a stander, I'm a sitter. We are completely alien to each other in this way.

I love that we're all incomprehensible to half the population in this tiny, mundane way.
posted by heathkit at 10:13 PM on December 16, 2009

I'm generally a sitter, but occasionally will stand to finish up a big job. A spicy enough meal will have me in the shower, jetting cold water directly into my asshole with the detachable shower head and crying tears of relief.

I also wipe back to front and have never once had a problem with beshitted nads, and I have some pretty goddamn enormous balls. Of course my wiping denouement involves mopping down the whole works with a single wet wipe, but even that's never come back with any substantial results.

I am a meticulous paper-examiner.
posted by hifiparasol at 10:18 PM on December 16, 2009

I have to say, this is a great thread for reading on the iPhone while taking a dump
posted by moorooka at 10:23 PM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

Public toilet TP in Japan is essentially the same material they put in the folds of men's dress shirts, that flimsy tissue style paper. That stuff has no texture, and it can take forever to get clean.

And I just asked a coworker, and aside from being disgusted at the question, his shocked reply was "You don't stand?!" I approached it from a 'man, there's some crazy people out there, people who stand' kind of viewpoint, and he was shocked and dismayed that there's an alternate universe.

From that conversation, I learned two things: one, my coworker is a stander. Two, conversations held on MeFi might not be good to bring into real world situations.
posted by Ghidorah at 10:23 PM on December 16, 2009

I'm surprised about the lack of discussion relating to the great compromise...the SQUAT. I find a good 5 inch hover with fully activated thighs yields a good cheek spread while also giving enough working space to really get in there get to business. I also find a very very light first wipe will clear away any surface residuals without unnecessary smearing in case consistency is less than perfect.

But honestly...I'm confused here. Does cheekage leaving the seat at all constitute a stand? Does a 3 inch hover (imagine a wall-sit from gym class) still count as a sit? How would one wipe his ass while sitting on a bowl...unless I've been using a toilet wrong for close to 30 years...the bowl forms a seal with the butt (via the seat) - precluding the hand from getting in there. Do you scoot forward on the bowl? Does the hand breach the inner sanctum of the bowl itself? During a "sit wipe" as people seem to know it here...is the toilet or your thighs supporting most of your weight? I am mystified.

The squat is where its at...
posted by jnnla at 10:32 PM on December 16, 2009

Standing Australian scruncher and looker, here, to get as far into the class and phylum stuff as we have so far.

I agree that a vital piece of information needs to be what one's typical crap is like (try the Bristol Stool Guide), and what one's backside is like. I can't see how you can judge a sitter or stander without that information. Plus the average number of passes, number of craps per day and usual timing of said crap.

Generally with a firm stool and a fit but big ass, I find that I'm clean in two wipes. Usually a daily crap in the morning, after the morning coffee and toast and followed by a shower.

Contributing to this thread makes me like a fully fledged mefite.
posted by jjderooy at 10:34 PM on December 16, 2009

And I just asked a coworker

I cannot believe anyone has actually asked another person about this, in person.
posted by desjardins at 10:35 PM on December 16, 2009

jnnla, the squat is good, but only if you don't have, say, IBS, or haven't had spicy food. The squat toilet is my enemy, and in nearly every place I regularly go in Japan, I know the location of nearby western conveniences (usually with washlets). Squatting can be dangerous, and, to answer someone upthread, the great tragedy of squatting is that one can't get any reading done, because you need to focus on maintaining balance...

As for the seated wipe, lean to the side, insert hand under ass (not between the legs, you might get leftover pee on your arm!), and wipe, arm either perpendicular to the crack (from the side, leaning over) or parallel (from the back, leaning forward). Wipe front to back/back to front depending on religious/moral/medical feelings on the matter.
posted by Ghidorah at 10:39 PM on December 16, 2009

Ironically, I was having this debate with a good friend just yesterday. I think it's insane that people think it's strange to stand while wiping, and he completely agreed. I thought the only place people sat and wiped was in the movies.
posted by rbf1138 at 10:41 PM on December 16, 2009

I hear Obama hovers over the seat in a half-stand, half-squat because he is a centrist.

wow what a crap joke

i'll be here all week standing room only
posted by davejay at 10:42 PM on December 16, 2009

I thought the only place people sat and wiped was in the movies.

You shit at movie theaters? You're a brave soul.
posted by hifiparasol at 10:42 PM on December 16, 2009

oh wait i get it
posted by hifiparasol at 10:43 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

What.

You can do that while STANDING?!?

Yep. And until it came up at a party (no joke, I go to the wrong kinds of parties) I never knew that people could do it sitting down. It seems so awkward. But hey, you learn what you learn from your parents or whomever wiped your ass for you.

This is a perfect example of what happened with religions over time (bear with me on this) -- when isolated, groups formed their religions, mostly ignorant of what other people were doing (or that there were other people.) Eventually we all found out about each other, and there was a lot of WHUT. Finally we started mixing together, and now we're learning to accept each other and get along.

this comparison falls apart when you realize you're about to say athiests are like people who don't wipe
posted by davejay at 10:45 PM on December 16, 2009 [5 favorites]

People! No need to use non-flushable "flushable" wipes for that squeaky-cleanness. Squirt some Cetaphil onto your existing paper. You're welcome!

Also: SITTING, from BEHIND, FRONT to BACK!
posted by houseofdanie at 10:58 PM on December 16, 2009

Why has this information not become part of our electoral decision making process? As a tax-paying citizen I have the right to know if I'm electing a Sitter or a Stander. Even though I may agree with them politically, I'll be damned if I'm going to vote for a back-to-front-wiping Sitter!

The political map could change overnight!
posted by bstreep at 11:03 PM on December 16, 2009

I have no idea what I would do if I was a dude and had to deal with external genitalia. I don't know how you guys do anything without your balls getting in the way.


For the record, most of the time they are pretty much out of the way, even when sitting down to do your business. But my imagination often goes off on its own, and in this case I couldn't help but think of some guy going about his daily activities, but having a lot of trouble, because his balls keep getting in the way.
posted by eye of newt at 11:28 PM on December 16, 2009

You people scare me.
posted by HFSH at 11:36 PM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

I lay down on the floor on my back, then pull my knees up to my chest and whistle for the dog.
posted by jefbla at 11:39 PM on December 16, 2009 [8 favorites]

Flinging?
posted by BrotherCaine at 1:19 AM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

My sister got me doing this thing awhile ago in public restrooms. I tear off about the first level of toilet paper on the roll and dispose of it. Just in case someone else touched it. Then I go about my business.
posted by tinatiga at 1:37 AM on December 17, 2009

I'm amazed that you people haven't tried both ways. As a born-again stander I look back with sadness on my long years of inconvenient sitting.
posted by patricio at 2:01 AM on December 17, 2009

I'm an ambiwiper. Switching as to suit my needs.

Given how pretty much everything is questioned on the blue, I'm a bit surprised more people don't question their own behaviours.
posted by biffa at 2:02 AM on December 17, 2009

Most times I'm so elated by the accomplishment that I immediately run out of the room in a lightened frenzy, down the stairs, across the living room, briefly stopping at the sliding glass door then charging back up the stairs to dive under the bed and then oh my god is it time to eat yet?!
posted by iamkimiam at 2:14 AM on December 17, 2009 [7 favorites]

I tear off about the first level of toilet paper on the roll and dispose of it. Just in case someone else touched it.

Dude, I totally do this as well, depending on the overall level of cleanliness in the stall. I mean, the splatter area tainted by some hover-peeing ladies can be appallingly wide. *shudder*
posted by elizardbits at 4:25 AM on December 17, 2009

I cannot believe anyone has actually asked another person about this, in person.

Heh. Mr. WanKenobi and I have computers across from one another. When I found this thread, I turned to him.

"Do you wipe sitting or standing up?"

He frowned. "Sitting. But I've heard of people wiping while standing."

"Yeah, some people on metafilter say they stand. I don't get it."

"Right--it seems like so much more work."

"Not just work!" I said, with mounting hysteria in my voice. "IT SEEMS LIKE YOUR BUTT CHEEKS WOULD PRESS TOGETHER MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE TO REALLY GET TO YOUR ANUS."

He paused. "Well said, North. Well said."
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:09 AM on December 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

Why is it I'm imaging some sort of Evolution of Man drawing showing the development of wiping from squat to sitting to standing to some brave new future (laser bidet?)?

Oh, that's right, because I'm a stander and are therefore more evolved than you subhumanoid sitters. Rise up! Use the legs God gave you! You have nothing to lose but the chance of wiping your arm on the toilet seat!
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:12 AM on December 17, 2009

Now, on the matter of directional wiping... WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE WIPE TO THE FRONT?! Do you want to get shit all over your balls or vulva?!


This is a BANANAS QUESTION. It is like implying that WIPING to the BACK would end up smearing a big shit-streak right up the spine.

I have never once ended up with shitty balls (nor, obv, vuvla).
posted by mr. remy at 5:41 AM on December 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

SITTER or STANDER
FOLDER or WADDER
FACING THE BOWL or FACING AWAY FROM THE BOWL
BACK TO FRONT or FRONT TO BACK
BETWEEN THE LEGS or AROUND THE SIDE
GRAB A CHEEK TO LIFT or WIGGLE AND BALANCE
LEFT HAND or RIGHT HAND


what am I missing?
posted by mr. remy at 5:46 AM on December 17, 2009

Compatible, that's what I'd call a pair like you and me
Our charts, our wits, our pheromones all match impeccably
But before we wed let's give a thought to future litigation
For one thing much be established prior to our cohabitation

Do you put the toilet roll paper over or paper under?
It can be a major blunder, it splits the world asunder
If the toilet tissue issue drives you up the wall
But it's neither better or worse, it's just different, that's all

...

OK, hands up all the overs, and now all the unders raise a hand
Now all those who don't give a rat's, you're in denial, I understand
I won't get onto scrunch or fold, it may incite a brawl
Whether printed, patterned or perfumed, it's just different, that's all

Now you may be thinking quietly, "What a stupid subject for a song"
But history's page is bloodied by such petty bickering gone wrong
It only takes the slightest slip to make the mighty fall
Whether gods or bollocks or politics, it's different, that's all
posted by zamboni at 5:51 AM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Most times I'm so elated by the accomplishment that I immediately run out of the room in a lightened frenzy, down the stairs, across the living room, briefly stopping at the sliding glass door then charging back up the stairs to dive under the bed and then oh my god is it time to eat yet?!

This thread just gets more and more interesting. For example, I've now just found out that my dog has a mefi account.

To "iamkimiam": STOP EATING THE MAIL.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 6:20 AM on December 17, 2009 [6 favorites]

Oh yeah, we can totally tell when the dog has had her pooh because she comes bursting through the dog door with hyper glee, full of her own accomplishments.

SITTER or STANDER
FOLDER or WADDER
FACING THE BOWL or FACING AWAY FROM THE BOWL
BACK TO FRONT or FRONT TO BACK
BETWEEN THE LEGS or AROUND THE SIDE
GRAB A CHEEK TO LIFT or WIGGLE AND BALANCE
LEFT HAND or RIGHT HAND


what am I missing?

How often.

I'm astonished at how many of you are going in public toilets. I can't remember the last time I poohed in a public toilet-- that's just...ugh.

Once in the morning and I am good for the rest of the day.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 7:12 AM on December 17, 2009

SITTER or STANDER
FOLDER or WADDER
FACING THE BOWL or FACING AWAY FROM THE BOWL
BACK TO FRONT or FRONT TO BACK
BETWEEN THE LEGS or AROUND THE SIDE
GRAB A CHEEK TO LIFT or WIGGLE AND BALANCE
LEFT HAND or RIGHT HAND

Is randomly an option? 'cause I don't live by custom or self-imposed rules.

Although a friend told me he found out in prison that going back to front is considered gay. I'm a straight dude... and like I said: random... or to be more exact whichever way I feel like that particular time.
posted by nutate at 7:27 AM on December 17, 2009

After reading this thread, I'm thinking about passing sample data through google analytics or minitab.
posted by Nanukthedog at 7:38 AM on December 17, 2009

Elder child that I care for (4 yrs) INSISTS on standing while wiping, which means that I have to take a second pass. I'm telling you, it just doesn't allow enough access. Even I, who have the advantage of not having to bend my arms in weird ways, can't fully excavate the area unless he sits down or bends over. Because yes, his ass cheeks squeeze together making one big smooshed poop mess that I have to pretty much spelunk.

You're welcome.

Also, I take a shower immediately afterward.

'moonMan does this. He actually turns on the shower first, leaves it running, poops, and THEN showers. Always. It took me a year to figure out why he never pooped and also why he showered so often. And there it is. He likes to claim he doesn't actually have a large intestine, but I've figured out his secret.

I'm a lady and I don't talk about MY poo, because that is unbecoming of a lady. Other people's poo is fair game though.

Does that make the Boston meetup MORE or LESS awkward? Can't tell.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:50 AM on December 17, 2009

SITTER or STANDER
FOLDER or WADDER
FACING THE BOWL or FACING AWAY FROM THE BOWL
BACK TO FRONT or FRONT TO BACK
BETWEEN THE LEGS or AROUND THE SIDE
GRAB A CHEEK TO LIFT or WIGGLE AND BALANCE
LEFT HAND or RIGHT HAND

Sure you can compile it, but some people will not want to check the Infodump.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 7:51 AM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

I don't know how you guys do anything without your balls getting in the way.

Jugglers have this problem as well.
posted by davejay at 8:15 AM on December 17, 2009

Sitting? Wouldn't that get fecal matter all over your hands? Sometimes I have mounds and mounds and it piles up to nearly the brim.
posted by yeti at 8:15 AM on December 17, 2009

All right, what exactly are we talking about here?
Do you lock you knees? Or is it more of a 'playing basketball' stance?

I need more details to understand how this crazy standing thing even works.
posted by graventy at 8:16 AM on December 17, 2009

I'm surprised how many people haven't seen other people wiping themselves. Ok number two is one thing. But isn't sharing a bathroom for number one a pleasure of an intimate friendship/relationship? Ok so I can't pee with all of my friends, but I treasure the ones who are cool with it. I wonder what the demographics on that are.
posted by Salamandrous at 8:57 AM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

But isn't sharing a bathroom for number one a pleasure of an intimate friendship/relationship?

No, no, a thousand times no. Call me a privacy freak, but the only people allowed to see me pee are my cats.
posted by immlass at 9:25 AM on December 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

It wasn't until my mid-20s that I realized that some people were stepping on the flush pedal, instead of using their hand. I was astonished, and worried I'd been doing it wrong all along.

Then I realized that, after going out of my way to find the cleanest stall and avoid splattered seat pee, I was essentially wiping my hand on the bottom of other people's shoes. And that is how I became a foot flusher.
posted by evidenceofabsence at 9:33 AM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Also, as goes pooping in public bathrooms, my family has a relevant motto: Better to bear the shame than bear the pain. Seriously.
posted by evidenceofabsence at 9:36 AM on December 17, 2009

mr. remy: "
FACING THE BOWL or FACING AWAY FROM THE BOWL "

Wait, some people sit on the toilet facing the fucking wall?!?!?
posted by notsnot at 9:43 AM on December 17, 2009

SITTER[X] or STANDER
FOLDER[X] or WADDER
FACING THE BOWL or FACING AWAY FROM THE BOWL [do not understand this, what?]
BACK TO FRONT or FRONT TO BACK [X]
BETWEEN THE LEGS or AROUND THE SIDE [X]
GRAB A CHEEK TO LIFT or WIGGLE AND BALANCE [I think I missed this day in butt class... what?]
LEFT HAND or RIGHT HAND [X]

I'd also add

PUBLIC TOILETS: #1 ONLY or #2 OKAY or OH HELLZ NO
HOME BATHROOM - DOOR OPEN? #1 ONLY or #2 OKAY or OH HELLZ NO
PAPER: OVER or UNDER
SQUARES: MORE THAN 4 or FEWER THAN 4
PETS: WATCHING OKAY or OH HELLZ NO
MIDDLE OF NIGHT FLUSH? ALWAYS or NOT ALWAYS
FOOT FLUSH? YES or NO or SOMETIMES
TP ON SEAT? YES or NO or SOMETIMES
CELL PHONE IN STALL? TALK or TEXT ONLY or OH HELLZ NO
CHATTING IN BATHROOM? YES or NO
READING IN BATHROOM? YES or NO
WIPES? AT HOME or EVERYWHERE or OH HELLZ NO
PEE IN SHOWER? YES or NO
PEE IN SINK? YES or NO
I HAVE DROPPED A CELL PHONE/CAMERA/IPOD IN A TOILET: YES or NO
I AM AWARE THAT TOILET SEAT COVERINGS DO NOT PREVENT ANY KNOWN DISEASE: YES or NO
PEOPLE WHO DO NOT ANSWER LIKE I DO: WEIRD or PART OF THE WONDERFUL VARIATION OF HUMAN EXPERIENCE

did I miss anything?
posted by jessamyn at 10:05 AM on December 17, 2009 [7 favorites]

did I miss anything?

Yep, reading material. And, really? Nothing beats a 3-D Magic Eye book for that purpose.
Though you may no longer do your best thinking on the pot if this is the case. (I see it! It's a pineapple!)
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 10:10 AM on December 17, 2009

next time I read someone accusing Metafilter of being some kind of bullying, over-moderated echo chamber I'm totally posting a link to this thread.

vive la difference...
posted by ServSci at 10:13 AM on December 17, 2009

Wait, some people sit on the toilet facing the fucking wall?!?!?

I just heard of this from a friend (who yes, I now judge) the other day. Story goes that it's easier to maintain balance when drunk if you sit backwards, as you can lean forward onto the tank if need be.
posted by desuetude at 10:16 AM on December 17, 2009

also evidenceofabsence, do you mean "motto" as in "inscribed under the family crest"?

[img] turd + stall [img]

Better to bear the shame than bear the pain. Seriously.

like that?
posted by ServSci at 10:21 AM on December 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Durn Bronzefist: "(I see it! It's a pineapple!)"

You rang?

I'm afraid I can't weigh in properly on this thread, because what I expel from my glorious pearlescent rump is actually a substance akin to the mixture of angels' feathers, the laughter of babies and the cookies your great-grandmother made from scratch every year at Christmas. There isn't really a name for it—unless you happen to be fluent in Na'vi.

The substance is carefully harvested and used for humanitarian purposes such as saving the rainforests, and teaching white people to dance. Last year, it enabled a team from UCLA to trisect an angle.

The collection process is a trade secret, and can be revealed no sooner than 2023, which is the earliest the documents can be unsealed, by executive order.

I don't "wipe" so much as I am lifted off the "commode" of marble and silk through a levitation of sheer joy and exaltation, the completion of which leaves me drained and spent in a glow that is almost post-coital. There are attendants, and also a string quartet.

YMMV.
posted by pineapple at 10:33 AM on December 17, 2009 [8 favorites]

There were 69 new messages in the thread this morning for me. I'm afraid it was not the thrill it should have been.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:46 AM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'm afraid I can't weigh in properly on this thread, because what I expel from my glorious pearlescent rump is actually a substance akin to the mixture of angels' feathers, the laughter of babies and the cookies your great-grandmother made from scratch every year at Christmas. There isn't really a name for it—unless you happen to be fluent in Na'vi.

This tangentially reminds me of the DFW short story The Suffering Channel.
posted by zamboni at 11:09 AM on December 17, 2009

Durn Bronzefist: "(I see it! It's a pineapple!)"

You rang?

*looks up with a frown, pants around ankles*
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 11:37 AM on December 17, 2009

did I miss anything?

in addition to
I AM AWARE THAT TOILET SEAT COVERINGS DO NOT PREVENT ANY KNOWN DISEASE: YES or NO

you need:
I HAVE ACTUALLY GOTTEN DISEASE/INFESTATION FROM TOILET SEAT: YES or NO

I mean hell if we've gone this far into TMF'nI then we might as well go whole hog, right?
posted by waraw at 12:18 PM on December 17, 2009

Way upthread I mentioned that this was a great year-capper for Metafilter. I would now like to amend my statement to assert that this is the greatest Metafilter thread in its entire history.

I mentioned it to my wife, in fact. Then I learned that she is a stander, which caused me to rend garments.

I shall not stop. I will ask every friend I have now (and possibly not later). I may publish a journal article. Stay tuned, shit-friends.
posted by Skot at 12:35 PM on December 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

I may publish a journal article.

To MedLine!

Toilet reading habits in Israeli adults

Sibling family practices: guidelines for healthy boundaries.

Lymphomatoid contact dermatitis to an exotic wood: a very harmful toilet seat.

Toilet Tissue.

[Anal hygiene in perianal skin diseases--compatibility of water moist and dry toilet paper]

Nothing obvious on the sit/stand dilemma. I think you're in the clear, Skot!
posted by zamboni at 1:26 PM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

This one MIDDLE OF NIGHT FLUSH? ALWAYS or NOT ALWAYS needs more options.

For example, I will always flush a #2, no matter what. On the other hand, #1 depends on how close it is to other people in the house falling asleep/waking, if I'm in someone else's home family?/friend?, or if the toilet in question is super loud vs not so loud. I asked for clarification on preference at my brother's house during the beginning of my pregnancy (up to pee 5 times a night), because he has an offensively loud toilet right next to his bedroom.

I also think we should add: #2 DIRECTLY BEFORE SHOWER? YES or NO? Because I do not like steaming in the scent of my ass, thanks. If I must, I'll wait until any potential scent (cuz who knows I might not notice while I'm on the can) has had enough time to disperse, and then continue on with my daily hygiene rituals.

Another: RUNNING WATER DURING #2? YES or NO or ONLY OUTSIDE OF HOME -- I had a boyfriend once who insisted on running the water, even when it was just me around, and I knew exactly what the sound of water running meant. He didn't seem to care that it made it more obvious what he was up to, only that this way, no one could hear his (and I quote) "ass talking".
posted by sunshinesky at 1:35 PM on December 17, 2009

while on the subject of poo, can somebody please illuminate me w/r/t the communal SPOON that i sometimes see in my filipino friend's home?
posted by mr. remy at 1:38 PM on December 17, 2009

ServSci- It being that I'm descended from southern European peasants, we don't have much in the way of crests.

I like to think that if we did have one, it would look something like that.
posted by evidenceofabsence at 1:38 PM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

This.... I...

Wow, friends. I didn't know we had gotten to this point in our relationship.

Anyway, I'll join the chorus of voices that had no idea that people stand, or even that this was the sort of thing that people differed on. Amazing.
posted by craven_morhead at 2:16 PM on December 17, 2009

waraw: "you need: I HAVE ACTUALLY GOTTEN DISEASE/INFESTATION FROM TOILET SEAT: YES or NO

I mean hell if we've gone this far into TMF'nI then we might as well go whole hog, right?"

Whole hog?

I HAVE ACTUALLY GIVEN DISEASE/INFESTATION TO TOILET SEAT: YES or NO
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:40 PM on December 17, 2009

#2 WHENEVER/WHEREVER or #2 ONLY AT CERTAIN TIME/PLACE

It would never occur to me that I could choose. I just go when I have to go. Also apparently I can wipe while seated (my general preference) by just leaning forward (i.e. no stand, no squat, no contortions). I did not know this before, but I guess that's how it works for me.
posted by jessamyn at 3:39 PM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

If it's yellow, etc. Especially in those areas that are starting to lack water.

while on the subject of poo, can somebody please illuminate me w/r/t the communal SPOON that i sometimes see in my filipino friend's home?

A spoon in the toilet? That's as disgusting as a drinking glass in the toilet (room). Although to be fair, ingesting other's aerosolized feces is probably an excellent way to build one's immune system.
posted by five fresh fish at 5:46 PM on December 17, 2009

Anyone who does not know the exact mechanics of how their spouse poops and wipes is a prude.

There, I said it. If a marriage license doesn't grant me the right to brush my teeth while my spouse is pooping, then what's the use?
posted by muddgirl at 6:38 PM on December 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Anyone who does not know the exact mechanics of how their spouse poops and wipes is a prude.

Um, why? Do we have to scrutinize every detail of our partners' lives? Just being with someone doesn't mean you have to lose every ounce of privacy.
posted by Saxon Kane at 7:39 PM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Saxon Kane: "Do we have to scrutinize every detail of our partners' lives? Just being with someone doesn't mean you have to lose every ounce of privacy."

Amen. Also, this is why I insist on the water closet. There really should be NO DECISION TREE around "to brush teeth/hair/perform toilette while spouse is eliminating waste? Yea or nay?"
posted by pineapple at 7:45 PM on December 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

I lie down on the floor, face up, and wipe my forehead. "DAMN, THAT WAS A GOOD SHIT!"

Every time.
posted by not_on_display at 10:56 PM on December 17, 2009

Sitting, under-the-cheek sneak (NOT FRONTWIPING OH GOD WHY WOULD YOU WANT SHIT ALL OVER YOUR PERINEUM), 4 squares of toilet paper, folded neatly in half twice along the lines, resulting in a single-square-sized wiping unit.

Anything else is probably less hygienic, wastes toilet paper, more likely to leave poop around your anus, and also HERESY.
posted by tehloki at 11:48 PM on December 17, 2009

Also, this is why I insist on the water closet.

WCs are the shit. Except for the ones without a sink. Then they're just shitty.

And what tehloki said. It's as if he's been spying on me.
posted by five fresh fish at 12:07 AM on December 18, 2009

heh. NSFW cartoon. Don't sit or stand: hover.
posted by five fresh fish at 1:01 AM on December 18, 2009

After a visit to Thailand a few years ago, where every toilet has a bidet hose, I installed one in my home bathroom. Very helpful in cleaning up, I now feel kinda barbaric when I'm away from home somewhere else in the US and there is only dry paper to use. One generally uses much more paper when there is no bidet hose.
posted by telstar at 2:10 AM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Anyone who does not know the exact mechanics of how their spouse poops and wipes is a prude.

There, I said it. If a marriage license doesn't grant me the right to brush my teeth while my spouse is pooping, then what's the use?

The spousal unit and I have been together 10 years. I have never seen (or smelt) any evidence that the man has bowels. I was going to write "an anus" but I have actually seen him naked. It is in his "Southern Gentleman" code-- he doesn't even burp in front of me.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 5:09 AM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

I don't usually post anything on MF. I regard it as a place to read my little brother's comments on a variety of topics and crack up a bit while playing hookey from the banality of my job. My brother called me this morning about this specific conversation and I realized that I actually have a unique perspective - one that I've not had time to cross check against all comments here (there are a lot of them - and they are all uniquely hilarious - I've been upsetting my coworker who want to know what's so damned funny - digression over), but one that I'm pretty sure gives me a 30,000 foot view from above the situation.

For my entire life I'd been a sitter. Paper between the legs, whilst cupping "the boys and their friend" and moving them off to the side with my left hand, had been my consistent technique. I didn't really move from back to front. It was more of a diagonal wipe. South-Southwest to about Northeast by way of ass-compass.

About five years ago, I had an operation in the direct vicinity of current conversation. I'll spare you the details (other than one in particular that involved DRINKING two CUPS of effing MINERAL OIL per day for two weeks. Awful doesn't even begin to describe...) There are a lot of details on this page, all of them great, suffice it to say that I could write for hours on the operation alone . . . but I had a small amount of surgery "down there." This surgery concluded with about 8-10 stitches that prevented me from utilizing "my usual," a finely honed practice that had carried me from diapers through my late twenties. I had to develop another system. One that, at that particular time, had to be exercised with precision and delicacy.

It was, at that time, that I became a stander.

Standing has remained my technique has stuck with me to this day. I believe that this give me a unique qualification to offer perspective by way of comparison.

I realize that this is a long post, so I'm going to attempt to sum up as quickly as possible.

Standing is better. From a very simple POV, it's more ergonomic. Standing, at least for me, involves a certain amount of bending. I bend slightly at the knees, and slightly at the waist. This separates the cheeks. Then, with my left hand (the one I had previously always used to move things out of the way), I pull my left cheek away from my right. I should note that this motion by itself is very ergonomic in that my left hand is held at pretty much the same angle as when it's by my side. No pronation or supination of the hand occurs.

Here comes the kicker. Pulling my left cheek in this manner actually gives a bit more surface area to my chocolate starfish. At the same time, I bring the paper into play, applying pressure with my central digits and pulling from due West, directly across the starfish to the East. Basically, I am closing my hand, and closing the paper, at the same time (please note - also keeping for an equal ergonomic position on my right side).

This allows for a quick sidelong glance, a throw to the bowl, and then the process is repeated until the paper no longer reflects any remaining proof that a doodie ever passed.

Sitters - trust me when I say this. The amount of leverage, comfort and efficiency provided by this method is so much greater that I don't know how I ever got along without it.

And after being a stander for the better part of a quarter century - I feel uniquely qualified to posit this judgement.

By the way - I've never, since the age of 6 or so, had so much as a streak. I can count on one [clean] hand the amount of times I've felt the slightest itch or irritation (Baby Balrog - we'll discuss this point at length later - I feel this is perhaps my most important point), so trust me; I'm a very thorough person.

In conclusion: Standing is better. (plus I no longer have to shift and pull my JUNK outta' the way when I'm sitting. and i NEVER get my hand wet any more!!)

peace
posted by bigbrotherbalrog at 7:25 AM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Ha!
posted by Baby_Balrog at 7:30 AM on December 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

You people amaze me. The only thing I was sure of when I was reading this thread was that I'm female. I couldn't remember if I sat, squatted, folded, wadded or what the helled, because this isn't something I write in my diary every day. But over the past couple of days, I've paid attention to this near-automatic process. I sit (tilt if necessary, but this is rare), reach behind to wipe, and always look at my output in the bowl between my legs after I'm done (I blame my German ancestry).

But what the hell is all this wipe back-to-front/front-to-back nonsense? Are you all nostalgic for kindergarten finger painting aux feces by decorating your ass crease or perineum with your own effluvia?

I pull off a length of toilet paper, tear off two sheets, fold them into one doubled sheet, and swirl-and-pinch, working from the current shit perimeter into the center of my anus, then discard the sheet. If I can feel that it needs more cleaning, I tear off another two sheets from my handy length of tissue. If it now feels clean, I go for one more pass, this time looking at the result on the tissue. I repeat only if necessary. If there's any paper left over, that's enough to take care of pee-wiping, or I take a little more if needed, because most of the time that I crap, I pee as well.

(Back to front? Front to back? REALLY?)
posted by clowncar at 9:28 AM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

bigbrotherbalrog: I simply cannot take your recommendation seriously. You're comparing standing to front-wiping. That's like comparing a bowl of farts to a bowl of more farts. Of course standing would be preferable to front-wiping. Front-wiping is both unconstitutional and unconscionable.
posted by billysumday at 10:31 AM on December 18, 2009

We need more international input. And from that, we shall squeeze out world peace.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:35 AM on December 18, 2009

Oh. My. God. I had to sign up for an account just to comment. I am stunned. Stunned, I tell you! All you people talking about having itchy butts from missed poop...wtf? No wonder the world is going to hell in a handbasket! There is but one proper way to handle the pooping situation. One. Just one. It doesn't matter if you sit or stand*, but there is a hard and fast rule about the whole pooping process that makes the rest of it irrelevant.

First, you poop. Then you shower.

Always. Every day. That's what you do. You get up, you poop, you shower. No itchy butt, no clinging remnants, no skid marks. And NO pooping in public restrooms.

Seriously, I know there are days when maybe something you ate for lunch was a bit off, and you find yourself with a severe case of Restroom Distress, and must avail yourself of public facilities, but in general, the socially acceptable practice is to poop at home in the morning, and then shower before getting dressed.

I have noticed over the past few years that more and more people are pooping in public. At all of the places I have worked over the last decade or so, there are people who make it a habit to take their daily dump in the restroom at work. This is vile. Just vile. It's also inconsiderate and tacky. Do your business at home, people; don't share it with the world. If you can't poop at home in the morning, then you need to adjust your diet. Or wake up earlier. It horrifies me to think that I am working in an office surrounded by people with poopy drawers. And poopy butts. I mean, doesn't it bother you to walk around with feces smeared on your body all day? GACK! Yes, wet wipes help, but even they don't do as good a job as soap and water.

And don't even get me started about people who don't wash their hands afterwards.


*(but seriously, who stands to wipe? That sounds like a Monty Python sketch. "I say - I seem to have found some Spam on my bottom!" Geez, no wonder they had a Department of Silly Walks!)
posted by fairywench at 11:03 AM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Really, you think it's vile for people to poop in public restrooms? The choice you're putting me to is "well, self, do you want to sacrifice your pleasant 10 minute break from work in exchange for changing your diet and waking up at god-knows-when so that you can step into an autoclave-shower after pooping? Or do you just want to wipe well?

The socially acceptable practice is to poop when you need to poop.
posted by craven_morhead at 11:11 AM on December 18, 2009 [5 favorites]

Who are you people who can just pencil in your poop at an exact time every day, as if it's just another task jotted down in your Moleskin?

I enjoy my morning work poop about as much as I enjoy my morning coffee. It's my way of sticking it to The Man. That's right, I poop on the clock. I get paid TO POOP. Take that, establishment!
posted by bondcliff at 11:13 AM on December 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

But if, after eating dinner and sleeping for 8 hours or so, you don't have the urge to poop shortly after waking up, then you need more fiber. Seriously. You're gonna get colon cancer, probably.

If you regularly poop at work, then you're being rather inconsiderate to the rest of the world, whom you are forcing to smell your efforts. Wake up earlier, and do it at home, then come it to work.

For the children. Do it for the children.
posted by fairywench at 11:20 AM on December 18, 2009

It's hard for me not to poop at work considering I typically poop 3 or 4 times a day. Lots of fiber. Plus, pooping is so satisfying. It's one task that I can confidently say I do really well.

Problem: bowels need relieved.
Solution: poop.
Me: go to bathroom and poop.
Problem: solved.

Yay! Another successful endeavor!

Also, why is pooping so scary to people? People have been pooping for literally hundreds of years.
posted by billysumday at 11:21 AM on December 18, 2009 [7 favorites]

fairywench: Isn't that a bit egocentric? A person pooping is an imposition on YOU? What if they were in pain or something? You'd rather they not poop so that your brief respite in the washcloset is perfect and pure? Maybe it smells bad because it's a BATHROOM. Where people go POO. You are such a dainty flower.
posted by billysumday at 11:23 AM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

bah, billy beat me to it. That's how bathrooms smell.

Why would shitting between 9 and 10 am mean that I'm any less regular/fiberous than someone who shits at 7?
posted by craven_morhead at 11:30 AM on December 18, 2009

If you regularly poop at work, then you're being rather inconsiderate to the rest of the world

So the restrooms in my building, the ones on every floor with 3 or 4 stalls in them in addition to urinals, the ones stocked with plenty of toilet paper, with the hot running water and soap, with the flush-able toilets, the ones segregated down the hall so nobody has to sit near them, they're just for show? Like the sprig of parsley on the plate next to a New York strip or the spoiler on the back of a Fiero?

I will never understand this world.
posted by bondcliff at 11:33 AM on December 18, 2009

People have been pooping for literally hundreds of years.

And just imagine what we had to do before pooping was invented.
posted by Forktine at 11:34 AM on December 18, 2009

you don't have the urge to poop shortly after waking up, then you need more fiber. Seriously. You're gonna get colon cancer, probably.

Some people poop before bed.

The fascinating thing about manners is that people don't agree on them.

But don't take my word for anything, I'm not even a handwasher (And there's no lock on my bathroom door! And there's a drinking cup in there! And I touch my butt with the actual bar of soap when I wash it!) I can handle being a social pariah.
posted by jessamyn at 11:45 AM on December 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

People have been pooping for literally hundreds of years.

And just imagine what we had to do before pooping was invented.

Pretty sure that's what the Filipino spoon was for.
posted by billysumday at 11:49 AM on December 18, 2009

jessamyn, not a handwasher? I never would have guessed.
posted by craven_morhead at 11:55 AM on December 18, 2009

This is vile. Just vile. It's also inconsiderate and tacky. Do your business at home, people; don't share it with the world. If you can't poop at home in the morning, then you need to adjust your diet.

Vile?!

Mr. WanKenobi always jokes about how he can set his watch to my bathroom habits. I poop every morning, first thing. Honestly, I normally have trouble "using" public bathrooms (or the bathrooms of strangers, unless everyone else around me is asleep or something. This made college fun.) But even I sometimes need to use the bathroom at work.

(In fact, I just did!)

And if you need to shower in order to avoid "walk[ing] around with feces smeared on your body all day," then you're doing it wrong. Really.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:58 AM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'm not even a handwasher

Oh boy, that's going to be a whole 'nother topic.
posted by desjardins at 12:23 PM on December 18, 2009

If you regularly poop at work, then you're being rather inconsiderate to the rest of the world, whom you are forcing to smell your efforts.

If you regularly take incredibly, outlier-level stinky poops at work, the kind that overwhelm available ventilation and make the bathroom or even the ajoining hallway smell of shit for some fair portion of an hour or more, you're probably being inconsiderate.

If you regularly take normal-ish poops, good on you, you know how to use a restroom. If you do that and the bathroom accumulates a lingering smell of poop, call the facilities folks or sue your landlord, because you have crappy bathroom ventilation and that's not pooping's fault.

The fascinating thing about manners is that people don't agree on them.

Man is that the truth.
posted by cortex at 12:24 PM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

that's not pooping's fault.

See, I'm the kind of weirdo that for some godforsaken reason gets all magpie about random phrases that are deployed wherever. I latch on to these phrases, and then begin confusing and annoying my wife, my friends, random passersby by using said phrases as part of "normal" conversation. So, cortex, thanks for these almost-certain-to-be-future exchanges:

Wife: I can't find the remote.
Skot: Well, that's not pooping's fault.
Wife: What?

Friend: Can I bum a smoke from you?
Skot: Sure, but that's not pooping's fault.
Friend: What?
posted by Skot at 12:35 PM on December 18, 2009 [3 favorites]

Oh dear...

Metafilter: you're being rather inconsiderate to the rest of the world, whom you are forcing to smell your efforts.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 12:41 PM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Do your business at home, people; don't share it with the world. If you can't poop at home in the morning, then you need to adjust your diet. Or wake up earlier. It horrifies me to think that I am working in an office surrounded by people with poopy drawers. And poopy butts. I mean, doesn't it bother you to walk around with feces smeared on your body all day? GACK! Yes, wet wipes help, but even they don't do as good a job as soap and water.

The world is not in the restroom at work. Just other people doing their business, who are polite enough to not discuss what any of us are doing in those locked stalls.

If you're walking around with poopy drawers unless you shower afterwards, you should re-examine your own diet.

And hey, what are you doing in the bathroom at work anyway?! You should conduct all that nasty business at home! I mean, you can't possibly be urinating at work...you'd be walking around with pee droplets in your underwear!! Pissy pants!
posted by desuetude at 1:30 PM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

If you regularly take incredibly, outlier-level stinky poops at work, the kind that overwhelm available ventilation and make the bathroom or even the ajoining hallway smell of shit for some fair portion of an hour or more…

…then you need to make a “courtesy flush” while still seated, so the offending material is gone and away before it has much of a chance to stink the place up.
posted by five fresh fish at 3:35 PM on December 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

fairywench: Oh. My. God. I had to sign up for an account just to comment. ... I have noticed over the past few years that more and more people are pooping in public. At all of the places I have worked over the last decade or so, there are people who make it a habit to take their daily dump in the restroom at work. This is vile. Just vile. It's also inconsiderate and tacky. Do your business at home, people; don't share it with the world.

I always thought that if Mckenzie Porter were to come back from his grave to provide a sequel to the classic column that was reprinted in the National Lampoon many years ago, that he would do so under a much more butch name. But welcome aboard anyway, Ken -- err, fairywench!

Body Hygiene
By McKenzie Porter

For more than 40 years I have wanted to write the column that follows. But I have refrained on the grounds of an old-fashioned sense of delicacy. Now that general attitudes toward bodily functions are more candid and wholesome, I think I may deplore, without being obnoxious, the washroom habits of some men.

The most depressing spectacle a man may see on entering a public washroom to urinate is that of the feet of another man who is seated behind the half-door of a water closet in the act of defecation. There is something wrong with a man who defecates in some washroom outside his home. He is either ill, ignorant or unclean. ...

[Editor's note: That was our Porter. He made his exit on Oct. 20, 2006 - his 95th birthday. By all accounts, he never defecated in a Sun washroom. Probably added 15 years to his life.]

posted by maudlin at 4:05 PM on December 18, 2009

After a decade in India, preferred position; squatting, splashing water, using a lota. No chapped pucker. Though the first time I used my hand with only fresh water as toilet paper it seemed a horrifying idea. Poop is water soluble, so using water is delightfully more effective and refreshing than any paper.

And talking about chapped puckers, man oh man, they had it hard in the Nara Period in every sense of that word. Corncobs were used too. ouch.

Adding to the use of bog roll theme: celebrity signed toilet tissue.

An elephant sitter.

The Whole World Toilet Paper Museum

And thanks for a thread full of laughter on a very cold day abed with the flu.
posted by nickyskye at 7:38 PM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

I tried sitting, and my hand touched the water.

You people are lower than animals.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:01 PM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

People, people. Two words for you all:

Baby Wipes.

I am in agreement with Will Smith -- I can't find a link to his exact quote, but, to paraphrase: If you got a buncha dookie smeared on your arm, you wouldn't get a kleenex to wipe it off, would you? No, at the very least you'd use a wet paper towel. Something about how Tucks changed his life. I use the generic CVS brand, they work awesome.

Now we can all sit or stand or do a jig, and still feel cleen as a whistle afterward. Baby Wipes!

what?
posted by not_on_display at 10:17 PM on December 18, 2009

MetaFilter: If you are not bleeding, you are not doing right!
posted by deborah at 10:43 PM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

I tried sitting, and my hand touched the water. You people are lower than animals.

Ny ass does not hang 8" into the water. You are a freak.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:50 PM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

OK, maybe you can clear up a mystery for me.

Nest building. At least, that's what I think it is.

At my office I regularly find a wad of toilet paper in the bowl. (Ladies' room, if that matters.) My theory is that the previous occupant covered the seat with toilet paper, did their business sitting on their little paper nest, wiped (standing up or sitting down, depending on preference), flushed, and then wadded up the nest and left it in the toilet bowl.

Now, by way of reality check: do any of you actually do this nest building thing? If you do, do you also leave the nesting materials in the bowl for the next occupant to find, and why do you do that? If you don't want to flush more often than necessary, why not drop the nesting materials in the bowl before flushing?
posted by rjs at 6:25 AM on December 19, 2009

Alvy: I tried sitting, and my hand touched the water. You people are lower than animals.

FFF: Ny ass does not hang 8" into the water. You are a freak.

Hey, he's not a freak, he just lives near Winnipeg. I'm pretty sure that what his hand touched were the ice chunks floating in his bowl.
posted by maudlin at 7:31 AM on December 19, 2009

Ny ass does not hang 8" into the water. You are a freak.

If you're sitting to do the deed, then your hand needs to go into the bowl, doesn't it? And if you are unfamiliar with that process, you aren't going to be able to accurately judge things like clearance, or the water level of a different toilet, etc.

Or I am just the spawn of Saggy Baggy Elephant and that apocryphal guy who couldn't find his ass with both hands/flashlight/roadmap.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:45 AM on December 19, 2009

Maybe the nest is to prevent splashback for the next occupant?

AA, I'd be surprised to find my starfish is below seat level. That puts it a mile above sea level. My hand is clean and holding clean TP, so it's not like I need "clearance" as I reach for it, and after I have dirtied the paper, I drop it. On the return trip, my hand is empty and, once again, does not need "clearance." IOW, it would take a sincere effort to get my hand down to water level.

This is not rocket science.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:03 AM on December 19, 2009 [2 favorites]

In summary : TURDBURGERS
posted by longbaugh at 10:48 AM on December 19, 2009

Wow. Because I had to know, I had this conversation with my husband:
Me: "I'm reading here that about half of people sit to wipe and about half stand, and a lot of people didn't know there was another way to do it!"
Him: "What? You can't wipe sitting down!"
Me: "...yes you can."
Me: "..."
Him: "..."
posted by TochterAusElysium at 1:34 PM on December 19, 2009 [4 favorites]

UPDATE:

True to my word, I have spent some time polling my friends, who despite answering my questions candidly, have also all told me that I'm not welcome to talk to them at the bar any more.

The anecdata: all of the men were sitters, with at least one expressing incredulity at even the concept of standing. Two of the women were standers, with one outlier expressing a personal ambivalence towards a consistent method, and so apparently operates as per daily whimsy. One bearded fellow who I do not know happened to overhear our bar talk and freely offered that he was front-to-back wiper/sitter, inspiring an eruption of volubility from our party. And finally, when I exposed my wife's stander status, she responded by hollering to the sky, "Why would you tell people this?"

CONCLUSIONS: I'm an unappealing friend and an embarrassing husband.
posted by Skot at 3:50 PM on December 19, 2009 [18 favorites]

Finally I understand those loos in American airports that automatically flush when you stand up.
posted by Hogshead at 4:56 PM on December 19, 2009

People have been pooping for literally hundreds of years.

For some reason, that's the funniest thing I've read all day.

On the "To poop or not to poop at work" question...

When I worked in an office, I used to enjoy doing my business there, sort of. Like some other commentators, I appreciated getting paid to shit and getting some time off the clock. But, I HATE using public bathrooms. I don't think in my entire time at high school I ever took a shit at school. Nor in any campus bathroom in my years of undergrad or graduate education (except maybe 1 or 2 times if I was sick). In fact, except for when I was working in a big office, I almost never poo in the public loo unless I am ill. But even then, it was sometimes rather unpleasant. Since it was a huge company with a huge building and many bathrooms, I would try to find one with generally low traffic. This was easier when I was on a later shift, and I could wait until, say, 6pm, when most of the people had left and the janitorial crew and cleaned some of the bathrooms. Worst feeling: sitting down on a warm seat. You just know some weird dude has been there shortly before with his big gross ass exuding body heat. It made me feel like Jennifer Connelly in that one scene in Requiem for a Dream -- so degrading. I also really hate being in a stall next to some guy whose grunting and farting and breathing heavy... they need to make the stalls soundproof!
posted by Saxon Kane at 2:53 PM on December 20, 2009

explosion: "So, after somewhat implicating myself as a "stander," I decided to give the whole sitting-while-wiping thing a try."

I'm honored to be in such luminous company in your toilet thoughts, but I'm worried. Were you so focused on your sitting and standing brethren (and your attempts to focus on some sistren) that you forgot to wipe entirely?

Explosion!
posted by Plutor at 6:46 AM on December 21, 2009

> thanks for a thread full of laughter

This thread reminded me of this: Bathroom Habits Survey (via nickyskye).

That link was how I found out how habits could be so distinct between different people. A few weeks later, while chatting with friends one night, the conversation somehow took a turn to bathroom habits and I ended up asking them all of the questions from that survey I was able to recall at the time. We all had a great laugh, if only because the couple at the table next to ours was (unintentionally) listening with a "WTF?" look in their faces.

Also, lifelong stander, currently experimenting with sitting.
posted by Bangaioh at 1:10 PM on December 23, 2009

First, you poop. Then you shower.

This is something the late singer/ukelelist Tiny Tim ("Tiptoe through the tulips"), who had a lot of odd habits, used to talk about doing. But he took about five showers a day, so it wasn't much of an inconvenience for him. No word as to whether he stood or sat.
posted by beagle at 4:09 PM on December 23, 2009

I found The Solution! It completely eliminates the need for wiping.
posted by five fresh fish at 5:35 PM on December 23, 2009

rjs: At my office I regularly find a wad of toilet paper in the bowl.

Just a guess, but possibly someone is holding a wodge of toilet paper while they flush (with their hand)? And then by the time they drop it in the bowl there's not enough flush left to take it away? Or someone is embarrassed by a skid mark and is trying to cover it up?

This isn't as bad a 'nest' behaviour as when the whole stall looks like it's been danced around by incontinent lunatics who then found the toilet paper convenient for beautifying the (apparently preceived as) decorative porcelain fountain and surrounding floor. Every once in a while I walk into one of those and just can not imagine what sort of senile herd of wildebeest thinks this is what we do in a public bathroom.
posted by magdalenstreetladies at 9:25 AM on December 24, 2009 [1 favorite]

Way back in my teenage years, I worked at a Zellers as a general grunt. I cleaned the washrooms a couple times, and the women's washroom was always 10x messier and littered than the men's side. (Though to be fair, the men's side always had more unflushed toilets.)
posted by five fresh fish at 9:32 AM on December 24, 2009

I am genuinely bummed out that I did not learn of the Turd Extruder until Christmas Eve. How I would have beamed as I gave them out to all my friends. Alas, now they are condemned to yet another year of dull, tubey excretions.
posted by Skot at 9:54 AM on December 24, 2009

sitter or stander?
posted by five fresh fish at 11:53 PM on January 13, 2010