poke. poke. poke. ....?
December 18, 2009 9:21 AM   Subscribe

Web 2.0 Suicide Machine This machine lets you delete all your energy sucking social-networking profiles, kill your fake virtual friends, and completely do away with your Web2.0 alterego.
posted by special-k (44 comments total) 10 users marked this as a favorite

 
I like how it says /dev/null is equal to nirvana.
posted by jessamyn at 9:24 AM on December 18, 2009 [2 favorites]


Awesome - lets make light of a personal cry for help by eliminating our personal cries for attention...
posted by Nanukthedog at 9:31 AM on December 18, 2009


To better create the eEnnui neccessary to get me to kill my webself I think the banner reflection should be flipped horizontally and set a few degrees off 90.
posted by Babblesort at 9:32 AM on December 18, 2009


I, like Nanuk, am uncomfortable with making light of suicide - but other than that, this seems like a neat service.
posted by Fraxas at 9:34 AM on December 18, 2009


Just this morning a friend of mine had lost control of his password and was posting some facebook spam. And I said to myself "self, how does this happen?"

Ah.
posted by Lemurrhea at 9:35 AM on December 18, 2009 [8 favorites]


The whole "meet your real neighbours again!" thing bugs me. This idea that we cannot have two lives: one online and one in real life. Why can't we know our neighbors AND our e-neighbors? That's like, double friends, right there!
posted by ORthey at 9:38 AM on December 18, 2009 [8 favorites]


Seriously, some stranger on the internet asks for your login info, tells you, "Don't worry, it's automagically baleeted," and you're just gonna take his word for it?

Yikes.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:39 AM on December 18, 2009 [8 favorites]


Aww man, I was hoping for an actual suicide machine; some kind of webby 2 app that overloaded the person's machine causing it to explode and kill them at their command.

Because I could base a really low budget horror movie around that premise.
posted by quin at 9:42 AM on December 18, 2009


Wait...if I delete my FaceBook account there's a chance I might have to talk to my neighbors? Man, that's a toughie.
posted by DU at 9:46 AM on December 18, 2009 [2 favorites]


This is a joke solution for a fake problem, right? Or is this catered towards people who have been literally chained to their computer and can't walk away?
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 9:47 AM on December 18, 2009


I met my neighbors via MeFi, seriously. I think of this as more kill -9 and less the sad awful painful reality that is actual suicide.
posted by jessamyn at 9:48 AM on December 18, 2009


Useless until it includes MeFi's own "Close Your Account".
posted by everichon at 9:52 AM on December 18, 2009


Will these scripts also post long, boring, drawn out tomes on why I've decided to "quit" the internet?
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 9:53 AM on December 18, 2009 [4 favorites]


everichon: "Useless until it includes MeFi's own "Close Your Account"."

I found out the hard way and accidentally killed my real Mefi account while my sockpuppet ran rampant through the streets.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 9:55 AM on December 18, 2009


The whole "meet your real neighbours again!" thing bugs me.

Indeed. My neighbours are nice, and we get along fine. We have absolutely nothing in common, however, apart from the street address. What's wrong with connecting with people online?
posted by Zinger at 10:01 AM on December 18, 2009 [3 favorites]


I thought about selling my internet persona but then I found a five-dollar bill on the sidewalk, which is more than I would have made in the sale.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 10:05 AM on December 18, 2009


What's wrong with connecting with people online?

The time and money you spend on an internet connection could be much better spent protecting the Welsh from the bitterly unfair stigma they bear as a race of people who renege on bets and other such agreements. Have you no conscience?
posted by everichon at 10:07 AM on December 18, 2009 [8 favorites]


Rwy'n ymddiheuro. Nid wyf yn gallu atal fy hun.
posted by everichon at 10:09 AM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]


i've tried deleting my facebook account 3 times, but i keep having to sign in for one fucking thing or another.
posted by empath at 10:12 AM on December 18, 2009


Me: "Sweetheart, no more computer tonight. you have to do some homework"

Daughter: "Awwwww!!"

Me: "Sorry Honey but you have to do your homework. Life isn't just about computers you know. When I was your age, we didn't have computers. We talked to our friends in person. We played outside. We wrote letters. We played sports and we studied real hard in school."

Daughter: "Like the people who invented the internet?"

[[[[[[ long pause]]]]]]]]]

Me: "Ok. You can have another 15 minutes."
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 10:25 AM on December 18, 2009 [8 favorites]


Is it really so hard to close your account on these services? 9 hours? Really?
posted by roll truck roll at 10:25 AM on December 18, 2009 [2 favorites]


Empath, to actually delete your facebook account you have to email them, with a high probability of having to raise hell and using your outdoor voice and using words like "lawyers" and "privacy violations".

I never actually had an account and it took me a dozen emails just to request that they permaban my email address so I'd stop receiving spam saying so-and-so signed up when they harvested my email address from their address book.

It was a lot of back-and-forth like "But don't you want to sign up?" "No." "But if we ban your email address, you won't ever be able to sign up!" "I don't ever want to sign up. Ban my email address." "OK" *next day, new spam* "Hey, I asked you to permaban my email address!" "But you might want to sign up in the future!" "No, I want you to permanently block my email address and for it to never exist in your database. If I change my mind I'll use a different email address." "But..." "Look, permaban me or I'm going to get a lawyer, call the EFF and start a blog about how much you suck."

"Oh, ok. If you're sure, then."

I still never received solid confirmation that they indeed permanently deleted and blocked my email address, only wishy-washy corporate speak saying "Your issue should be resolved", but I haven't received any more spam.
posted by loquacious at 10:29 AM on December 18, 2009 [3 favorites]


From the FAQ:

If I kill my online friends, does it mean they're also dead in real life?

No!

posted by desjardins at 10:36 AM on December 18, 2009


I'm Facebook friends with a lot of my physical neighbors, we even have a Facebook group for the neighborhood, I don't really see the conflict with the two concepts.
posted by octothorpe at 10:40 AM on December 18, 2009 [3 favorites]


It looks like you're trying to flounce out of some Internet communities! Would you like help?

[ ] Go out in a blaze of trollin' glory
[ ] Announce you're leaving forever but lurk with your sock puppets
[ ] Include a long-winded rant detailing everything you think is wrong with the way this suck ass place is being run
[ ] Goatse, goatse, goatse

( ) All of the above
posted by Spatch at 10:44 AM on December 18, 2009 [5 favorites]


GOODBYE TO ALL MY ONLINE FRIENDS FOREVER.
posted by clarknova at 10:48 AM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]


Aww man, I was hoping for an actual suicide machine; some kind of webby 2 app that overloaded the person's machine causing it to explode and kill them at their command.

Because I could base a really low budget horror movie around that premise.
posted by quin at 9:42 AM on December 18


seeing as how I just watched my little bitty netbook implode in exactly that way thanks to some overloaded downloads and other 2.0 hooey only to be followed 48 hours later by the trusty desktop, that is my (high) budget horror movie right now

thank god for xmas sales
posted by infini at 10:49 AM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]


Facebook and social media sites are actually great tools for keeping up with people you know in real life. I'm Facebook friends with a couple dozen of my coworkers. It's how I find out when one of the other hallways has pie!
posted by Jacqueline at 10:51 AM on December 18, 2009


The time and money you spend on an internet connection could be much better spent protecting the Welsh from the bitterly unfair stigma they bear as a race of people who renege on bets and other such agreements. Have you no conscience?

No, I won it back in a second bet with a dude named Carwyn, but he wouldn't give it back!
posted by Zinger at 10:53 AM on December 18, 2009


This is really original! Oh wait, we're all just copying _why.
posted by tmcw at 10:55 AM on December 18, 2009


Been there. Done that. It didn't wendell.
posted by oneswellfoop at 10:56 AM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]


Yup, definitely a "web 2.0" tool. The page looks like someone defecated HTML into a browser until you turn on JavaScript.
posted by MysteriousMan at 11:30 AM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]


What's wrong with connecting with people online?

The time and money you spend on an internet connection could be much better spent protecting the Welsh from the bitterly unfair stigma they bear as a race of people who renege on bets and other such agreements. Have you no conscience?
posted by everichon at 10:07 AM on December 18 [7 favorites +] [!]

Rwy'n ymddiheuro. Nid wyf yn gallu atal fy hun.
posted by everichon at 10:09 AM on December 18 [+] [!]



I'd like to spend that time and money helping the Welsh exchange all those "y"'s they foolishly invested in for some proper vowels!

Rwy'n? Yikes!

It does look cool though.
posted by Salvor Hardin at 11:49 AM on December 18, 2009


I'd like to spend that time and money helping the Welsh exchange all those "y"'s they foolishly invested in for some proper vowels!

*plays world's smallest crwth*
posted by Sys Rq at 11:55 AM on December 18, 2009 [3 favorites]


Aww man, I was hoping for an actual suicide machine

You can borrow mine, just make sure to stop at the Evil Station on the way back and fill it up with Pure Doom.
posted by mannequito at 12:03 PM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]


The site is unreachable. Has it done itself in as well?
posted by orme at 12:43 PM on December 18, 2009


Told you I was hardco...NO CARRIER
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:10 PM on December 18, 2009


Jacqueline: "Facebook and social media sites are actually great tools for keeping up with people you know in real life."

That's all I've ever used it for, I thought that was the point.
posted by octothorpe at 2:44 PM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]


You know, I got my Quonsmas gift yesterday, a very lovely package of trinkets (including one that was delicious) and a lovely note. It included a button that says "I <3>or even talked to them online. I <3 my internet friends indeed -- the problem is not friends over the internet (which is AWESOME) but too much "what did I have for lunch today" noise.
posted by davejay at 5:56 PM on December 18, 2009


Ack, malformed HTML madness. the button says "I <3 my internet friends", and the point that followed (that got stripped out) was that my belly was filled and my children amused by these gifts from a person I not only had never met, but had never even talked to on the internet. So I <3 my internet friends indeed -- the problem is not friends over the internet (which is AWESOME) but too much "what did I have for lunch today" noise.
posted by davejay at 5:59 PM on December 18, 2009


Facebook, myspace, and linkedin. Huh. I had profiles on the first two and deleted them myself long ago; I have one on the third and haven't deleted it mostly because it doesn't constantly spam me with friend requests from dudes in Egypt who searched for 'female + egypt'.

I guess Livejournal doesn't "count" as a social site. Even though my friends page there is my browser's home page. Nor does Deviantart, nor Furaffinity. I dunno, I mostly solve the problem of staring at people's updates by being a content producer rather than a content consumer anyway; I'm more likely to be sitting around making art to post than reading the updates of everyone connected to me. I watch a lot less people than watch me.

(Well, of course they don't count as social sites - there's a social aspect but there's more to them than just growing a friends graph. I could never get into the pure social sites because I make an account and then go "okay, what now"? Because I'm a reclusive introvert.)
posted by egypturnash at 6:26 PM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]


If only this was around when the ex and I had that falling out and I knew all his passwords... alas, my desire for vengeance has passed. (Although his passwords remain the same...)
posted by biochemist at 6:55 PM on December 18, 2009


(Although his passwords remain the same...)
Good thing you know.
posted by Gnatcho at 8:23 PM on December 19, 2009


From the privacy policy of SuicideMachine:

We receive and store any information you enter on our website or provide to us in any other way. You can choose not to provide us with certain information, but then you may not be able to take advantage of many of our special features.

So instead of all that data being held by facebook forever, it's deleted, still held onto by facebook forever but now also stored by SuicideMachine probably forever.

On the internet you can never die.
posted by Lanark at 2:05 PM on December 21, 2009


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