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Military maps of The War on Christmas
December 23, 2009 7:53 AM   Subscribe

In celebration of Festivus: military maps of the War on Christmas.
posted by Joe Beese (20 comments total) 5 users marked this as a favorite

 
The Story of Festivus.
posted by ericb at 8:03 AM on December 23, 2009


The War on Christmas played out using Battlesystem ™ . Who knew that Secular Islamofascism had such as high DR?
posted by cimbrog at 8:08 AM on December 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


You guys, if we fail to honor Christmas, we might upset the Krampus! Do you think the fundies like to tell Lowes to call 'em Christmas trees every year?

You can claim the Krampus is a hoax and whatnot, but the data speaks for itself. There's a clear Austrian consensus: The Krampus is real, and the number of attacks rise as Christmas's respect goes down.
posted by mccarty.tim at 8:20 AM on December 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Where can I enlist? If we don't finish the war, they'll just spring up as an insurgency!
posted by yeloson at 8:35 AM on December 23, 2009


I like the Festivus pole. Years ago my brother had something even more original for a holiday tree.

I walked into his house one year shortly before Christmas and saw a bare branch that he had spray painted white and which was held upright in a holder. Its only decoration was a spent cartridge. When I asked him what the hell that was supposed to be, he said that it was a symbol from his favorite Christmas music that he had decided to erect instead of the traditional tree. I, of course, couldn't figure out what in the world he was talking about so he explained that it was a cartridge in a bare tree.
posted by leftcoastbob at 8:49 AM on December 23, 2009 [9 favorites]


Where can I enlist? If we don't finish the war, they'll just spring up as an insurgency!

The war ended many years ago. The result was the federal state we now know as "Christmas." Christmas is a secular state similar to the Federation of Thanksgiving (member states include Turkey), with a figurehead leader in Santa Claus. Christmas's cultural traditions are largely pagan and Germanic in origin, and its main exports are trees, Yule logs, and presents.

Though Christmas is technically a secular state, Christians make up an overwhelming majority of the populace, and tolerance for Jewish, Muslim, and agnostic/atheist citizens faltering. It seems as though Christmas is ever on the brink of a civil war, and tensions rise every December. Christian fundamentalists wish to claim the entire territory in the name of Jesus, while religious minorities, atheists, agnostics, and children remain loyalists to Emperor Claus.

Rumors of the Krampus working with the CIA have been circulated, but no hard evidence has been produced, with some claiming that the former does not, in fact, even exist.
posted by explosion at 8:58 AM on December 23, 2009 [6 favorites]


♪ Let's have some fun, this beat is sick... I want to take a ride on your Yuletide Stick
posted by mccarty.tim at 9:10 AM on December 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Little did we know, the secretive Madison Ave Project was working on a terrifying device that took highly refined consumerism and compressed it in on itself so hard that it split the very credit cards and TV ads that it was composed of, resulting in a giant flash of spending so great that no living creature within a hundred shopping mall radius was able to escape its compulsion. Within days of this fearful God-weapon being deployed the other side had no choice but surrender.
posted by Rhomboid at 9:33 AM on December 23, 2009


I say we bring on the nukes and turn the whole region into a festive glass parking lot.
posted by Faint of Butt at 9:39 AM on December 23, 2009


How come there weren't any athiests in the battle?
posted by Max Power at 10:24 AM on December 23, 2009


How come there weren't any athiests in the battle?

Have you ever tried to organize athiests?
posted by deliquescent at 10:54 AM on December 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


How come there weren't any athiests in the battle?

Not enough foxholes?
posted by joe lisboa at 10:54 AM on December 23, 2009 [4 favorites]


So the take away is that we ignore Hanukkah (swamps) at our own peril?
posted by drezdn at 11:13 AM on December 23, 2009


Atheists, however, were plentiful.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 11:14 AM on December 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Dammit, I thought that said military raps on the war on Christmas.

</disappointed>
posted by davejay at 11:57 AM on December 23, 2009


How come there weren't any athiests in the battle?

Not enough foxholes?


That's backwards. Too many foxholes.
Everyone knows there are no atheists in a foxhole.
posted by Babblesort at 12:20 PM on December 23, 2009


Everyone knows there are no atheists in a foxhole.

Next you'll be telling me the chicken didn't actually cross the road, no doubt.
posted by joe lisboa at 12:25 PM on December 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


What this book presupposes is, maybe he didn't.
posted by Babblesort at 1:02 PM on December 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


Well played.
posted by joe lisboa at 2:52 PM on December 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


How come there weren't any athiests in the battle?

They're still busy fighting the agnostics.
posted by DecemberBoy at 4:01 PM on December 23, 2009


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