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Cod Liver Oil Surprise!
January 12, 2010 10:04 AM   Subscribe

Random recipe generator. Exactly what it says on the tin.
posted by kmz (64 comments total) 43 users marked this as a favorite

 
I just sprayed Sweet Soy Sauce Wedges With Warm Soy Sauce out my nose.
posted by Wolfdog at 10:13 AM on January 12, 2010


1. pre-heat the oven to 210 C
2. slice the water
3. put the water in the fridge to set
4. fold in the water
5. flambe the water
6. whisk the grapes
7. mix the grapes in
8. sauté the horseradish sauce
9. whisk the white wine vinegar
10. flip the grapes
11. simmer the horseradish sauce gently for 20 minutes
12. stir-fry the sugar
13. bake for 20 minutes and serve hot

Whoa. Not so fast. I'm still slicing the water.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 10:14 AM on January 12, 2010 [9 favorites]


Oh, holy crap, I got a delicious-sounding one:

Bacon Supreme
Serves 4
You will need:

* 10g cheese
* 10g bacon

Instructions:

1. put the cheese in the saucepan
2. grill the bacon
3. serve piping hot

Yum.
posted by harperpitt at 10:17 AM on January 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


Please don't encourage 4chan to raid Epicurious. One of these, plus enough 5 star ratings from /b/ users could seriously waste a lot of food.
posted by mccarty.tim at 10:17 AM on January 12, 2010


I am laughing so hard it hurts.
posted by Wolfdog at 10:17 AM on January 12, 2010


Water Tart
Serves 4
You will need:

* 130g chicken
* 110g lard
* 60ml water
* 80ml red wine

Instructions:

1. pre-heat the oven to 190 C
2. barbeque the water
3. fold in the water
4. stir-fry the red wine
5. sift the lard
6. stir-fry the chicken
7. bake for 40 minutes and serve hot

But the water keeps falling through the grill. Should I use bigger pieces of water?
posted by Splunge at 10:19 AM on January 12, 2010 [3 favorites]


This needs to integrate something like a Markov generator- an algorithm that knows you can't slice water, and that you don't throw away ingredients before using them with anything, and then builds recipes accordingly. The recipes might be less nonsensical but I think they'd be (if anything) worse.
posted by dunkadunc at 10:20 AM on January 12, 2010


1. fry the carrots
2. discard the carrots
3. fry the soy sauce
4. enjoy

this is fucking hilarious, I am cracking up here
posted by idiopath at 10:20 AM on January 12, 2010


dunkadunc: "an algorithm that knows you can't slice water, and that you don't throw away ingredients before using them with anything"

... would not be nearly so amusing.
posted by idiopath at 10:21 AM on January 12, 2010


Splunge, you need to use concentrated clarified water. You can buy it from a fine food shop or upscale grocery store, or you can make it by barely simmering the water for about eight hours to thicken it and skim off impurities. If it's still runny, cool it in the freezer for a bit. If there are any bubbles left in it, toss it out. It's easier to just start over at that point.

Good luck!
posted by mccarty.tim at 10:22 AM on January 12, 2010 [5 favorites]


In the interest of pranking people, an algorithm that does make recipes that sound right would be very good. Of course, there still would be a chance of generating a good recipe, which actually isn't so bad.

I wonder if someone could write a bayesian program that could learn the ratios and so on of recipes based on the star ratings of good and bad recipes on Epicurious and Cooks.com and so on. Ideally, you could list for it what you had in your pantry, and it would attempt to generate a good recipe based on what you have on hand.
posted by mccarty.tim at 10:24 AM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


Spoons Of Mayonnaise Bake
Serves 3
You will need:

* 1 sheets of ricepaper
* 70ml white wine vinegar
* 150ml orange juice
* 1 lemons
* 5 spoons of mayonnaise

Instructions:

1. pre-heat the oven to 200 C
2. whisk the orange juice
3. sift the sheets of ricepaper
4. whisk the lemons
5. heat the orange juice
6. heat the lemons
7. eat the spoons of mayonnaise
8. put the white wine vinegar in the saucepan
9. bake for 20 minutes and serve hot

Yum.

---
I wonder if it's too late to throw a dinner party tonight? I feel inspired.
posted by sarabeth at 10:26 AM on January 12, 2010


I've seen one like that, but I don't recal the URL offhand.
posted by Splunge at 10:26 AM on January 12, 2010


1. defrost the lettuces
2. stir the lettuces
3. sauté the strawberries
4. saute the lettuces
5. blend with the strawberries
6. fry the oranges
7. fry the oranges
8. heat the strawberries
9. fry the lime until browned
10. add the oranges
11. sauté the sheets of ricepaper
12. go down the pub

This one at least ends sensibly.
posted by echo target at 10:26 AM on January 12, 2010


In the interest of pranking people, an algorithm that does make recipes that sound right would be very good.

Well, yes. I was thinking of something that would come up with recipes along the lines of the "Heritage Loaf" sketch from The Groove Tube.
posted by dunkadunc at 10:27 AM on January 12, 2010


Lime Supreme
Serves 3
You will need:

* 5 lime
* 40ml vinegar

Instructions:

1. barbeque the vinegar
2. sift the lime
3. throw it all away

Yum.

this one also ends sensibly, I think the vinegar would smother the embers
posted by idiopath at 10:28 AM on January 12, 2010


Something like this?

Recipematcher
posted by Splunge at 10:29 AM on January 12, 2010


I wonder if someone could write a bayesian program that could learn the ratios and so on of recipes based on the star ratings of good and bad recipes on Epicurious and Cooks.com and so on. Ideally, you could list for it what you had in your pantry, and it would attempt to generate a good recipe based on what you have on hand.

I've seen sites like that out there, though I can't attest to how good they might be.

1 2 3 4
posted by kmz at 10:30 AM on January 12, 2010


Ah haha, this is pretty much how I cook anyway:

Spicy Beef Cakes
Serves 2
You will need:

* 30g toffee
* 10g beef

Instructions:

1. pre-heat the oven to 190 C
2. eat the toffee
3. put the beef in the saucepan
4. bake for 20 minutes and serve hot

Yum.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:32 AM on January 12, 2010 [5 favorites]


The occasional count/mass noun mistakes ("lettuces") are also charming. I think worse grammar would actually be an improvement at this point.
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:32 AM on January 12, 2010


11 out 16 steps in the recipe for Tomato Ketchup With Tomato Ketchup Mash involve fucking around with bananas (slice, flip, lightly fry, put in the fridge to set, stir, mix, put in the fridge, add to the sauscepan, sautee, whisk, and fold). One of the remaining steps is throwing out the tomato ketchup. It's brilliant.
posted by Wolfdog at 10:35 AM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. This is the best thing I've seen in a long time.
posted by notswedish at 10:37 AM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


Yes! Friends, because of this you will next see me on Gordon Ramsay's new television show.
posted by Shohn at 10:37 AM on January 12, 2010


My first try was the best:

Raisins Mille Feuille
Serves 2
You will need:

* 40g lard
* 110g raisins

Instructions:

1. grill the lard
2. heat the lard
3. barbeque the raisins
4. order out

Yum.
posted by Mei's lost sandal at 10:38 AM on January 12, 2010


You will need:
* 10ml white wine
* 1 onions

Instructions:
pre-heat the oven to 230 C
put the white wine in the saucepan
lightly fry the white wine
microwave the white wine
microwave the white wine
discard the onions
bake for 70 minutes and serve hot

I find this oddly relaxing. Probably because it is the one recipe that I couldn't fuck up too badly.
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 10:40 AM on January 12, 2010


Grapes Compote
Serves 1
You will need:

* 100g grapes
* 80ml cod liver oil

Instructions:

1. pre-heat the oven to 220 C
2. sauté the cod liver oil
3. mix the cod liver oil in
4. grind the cod liver oil
5. add one tablespoon of the cod liver oil
6. heat the cod liver oil in the saucepan
7. blend with the cod liver oil
8. put the cod liver oil in the fridge for 2 minutes
9. put the grapes in the saucepan
10. bake for 40 minutes and serve hot
posted by Iridic at 10:40 AM on January 12, 2010


The one I got was weird enough that I assumed it had been pre-written: "Packets Of Dry Onion Soup Mix With Packets Of Dry Onion Soup Mix Crust"
posted by JHarris at 10:40 AM on January 12, 2010


I really want to try this:
Noodles Compote
Serves 3

You will need:
30g noodles
1 mangoes

Instructions:
stir-fry the mangoes
sift the noodles
serve piping hot
Yum.

Assuming you replace SIFT with COOK TO AL DENTE, this might just be crazy enough to work.
posted by mccarty.tim at 10:42 AM on January 12, 2010


Oh god, one of my recipes told me to slice the water. I usually hate these random whatever generators, but this is beyond great. And surreal! Thanks for the link.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:44 AM on January 12, 2010


I miss college.
posted by lysdexic at 10:44 AM on January 12, 2010


While the recipe for "Spicy Ginger Cakes" wasn't entirely workable, what with the stir-frying of the coffee and flambeing of the ginger, the idea is sufficiently yummy sounding that I think I might try it.
posted by googly at 10:48 AM on January 12, 2010


Sweet Bananas Wedges With Warm Soy Sauce
Serves 4
You will need:

* 100ml soy sauce
* 3 bananas
* 5 pinches of salt

Instructions:

1. pre-heat the oven to 180 C
2. sift the soy sauce
3. sprinkle the soy sauce over the top
4. bring the soy sauce to the boil
5. flambe the soy sauce
6. fold in the soy sauce
7. lightly fry the soy sauce
8. add the soy sauce
9. fry the bananas
10. throw the bananas away
11. bring the soy sauce to the boil
12. whisk the soy sauce
13. microwave the pinches of salt
14. bake for 50 minutes and serve hot

Yum.

I love that you are left with nothing sweet and no bananas, but I suppose the soy sauce would still be quite warm.
posted by piratebowling at 10:57 AM on January 12, 2010


11 of the 16 steps involved in making Tomato Ketchup with Tomato Ketchup Mash involved messing around with bananas, and one of the remaning ones involved throwing out the tomato ketchup. Brilliant.
posted by Wolfdog at 11:02 AM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


This is really wonderful.
posted by Perplexity at 11:04 AM on January 12, 2010


It's official: EatMe would now be redundant.
posted by mccarty.tim at 11:06 AM on January 12, 2010


This was bloody marvellous, but I have no idea why. I laughed, I cried, I left inspired. Now to the kitchen!
posted by Harald74 at 11:07 AM on January 12, 2010


Bacon Salad
Serves 4
You will need:

* 5 oxo cubes
* 20g bacon

Instructions:

1. throw the bacon away
2. microwave the oxo cubes
3. serve chilled
posted by Damienmce at 11:14 AM on January 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


I'd probably eat this:

Sprouts Bake
Serves 2
You will need:

* 30g cheese
* 80g lard
* 5 spoons of mayonnaise
* 100g sprouts
* 30g porridge oats

Instructions:

1. sift the lard
2. melt the lard
3. put the cheese in the saucepan
4. microwave the spoons of mayonnaise
5. lightly fry the spoons of mayonnaise
6. slice the porridge oats
7. lightly fry the cheese
8. sift the sprouts
9. put everything in the blender

I wouldn't blend my fried spoons of mayo though, since that would ruin the crust I've tried so hard to get on them. I bet someone in fryer-land has actually fried mayo before.
posted by rmless at 11:20 AM on January 12, 2010


Mine told me to rinse the red wine, and then to flip it.
posted by Johnny Assay at 11:21 AM on January 12, 2010


This is cracking me up.
posted by amro at 11:22 AM on January 12, 2010


This sounds great!

Tabasco Sauce And Lime Pudding
Serves 5
You will need:

* 2 pinches of salt
* 60ml tabasco sauce
* 60g port
* 1 lime

Instructions:

1. fry the pinches of salt
2. add the pinches of salt to the saucepan
3. slice the tabasco sauce
4. fry the tabasco sauce
5. fry the tabasco sauce
6. grill the port
7. throw the lime away
8. put everything in the blender

Yum.
posted by brundlefly at 11:22 AM on January 12, 2010


Also, this reminds me of Texas Governor Allan Shivers' (alleged) recipe for chili.
posted by Johnny Assay at 11:24 AM on January 12, 2010


Mmmmmh, bacon with whipped cream... 2 of my favorites combined!

Grilled Bacon
Serves 4
You will need:

* 80g bacon
* 70ml whipped cream

Instructions:

1. pre-heat the oven to 200 C
2. toast the bacon
3. toast the whipped cream
4. bake for 30 minutes and serve hot
posted by Hairy Lobster at 11:25 AM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


Essence Of Vanilla Soup
Serves 2
You will need:

30ml essence of vanilla
5 lime

Instructions:

1. put the essence of vanilla in the saucepan
2. put the lime in the saucepan
3. enjoy
posted by emelenjr at 11:38 AM on January 12, 2010


My recipe was called "Cucumbers Melt Bagels" and recommended putting the pickle in the fridge to set. Bagels were not involved in the preparation of the dish.

I predict the result would be insufficiently delicious.
posted by cranberry_nut at 12:08 PM on January 12, 2010


The water sandwich had too much horseradish in it.
posted by chairface at 12:40 PM on January 12, 2010


Hot Pepper Sauce With Sprigs Of Asparagus Dressing
Serves 2
You will need:
3 sprigs of asparagus
20ml hot pepper sauce
Instructions:
pre-heat the oven to 190 C
whisk the sprigs of asparagus
put the sprigs of asparagus in the fridge for 2 minutes
flip the sprigs of asparagus
saute the sprigs of asparagus
grill the hot pepper sauce
bake for 70 minutes and serve hot
posted by djduckie at 12:41 PM on January 12, 2010


This is the best thing since sliced water.
posted by hypersloth at 12:55 PM on January 12, 2010 [5 favorites]


Pizza Style Pork Chops
Serves 4
You will need:

* 20ml hot pepper sauce
* 2 pork chops
* 10ml cream

Instructions:

1. pre-heat the oven to 180 C
2. whisk the hot pepper sauce
3. mix the hot pepper sauce in
4. mix the hot pepper sauce in
5. microwave the hot pepper sauce
6. sauté the cream
7. fry the cream
8. mix the cream in
9. whisk the hot pepper sauce
10. fry the hot pepper sauce
11. throw the pork chops away
12. bake for 60 minutes and serve hot
posted by matildaben at 1:15 PM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


Pinches Of Salt With Chocolate Mash
Serves 3
You will need:

* 10g chocolate
* 80ml soy sauce
* 3 pinches of salt

Instructions:

1. pre-heat the oven to 230 C
2. defrost the pinches of salt
3. sauté the pinches of salt
4. rinse the soy sauce
5. put the chocolate in the saucepan
6. bake for 80 minutes and serve hot

Yum.
posted by Cogito at 1:15 PM on January 12, 2010


It's not a recipe generator AT ALL!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:17 PM on January 12, 2010


Bananas With Bananas Mash

Serves 3

You will need:
2 oranges
2 bananas

Instructions:
1. pre-heat the oven to 220 C
2. barbeque the bananas
3. discard the bananas
4. barbeque the oranges
5. bake for 70 minutes and serve hot

Yum.

It's my new favorite recipe!
posted by owtytrof at 1:31 PM on January 12, 2010


Confession: I cannot stop laughing at this. I'm giggling uncontrollably in the exact same way I did when I was in 8th grade and read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy for the first time, literally fell out of my chair in hysterics when I saw the words "Very surprised sperm whale," and was yelled at by the teacher for interrupting quiet time.

Anyway, I think I'm going to whisk some frozen soy sauce tonight.
posted by Tomorrowful at 1:36 PM on January 12, 2010 [3 favorites]


Oh dear. Pizza style pork chops sounds fucking delicious. I might just have to figure out what the hell it means.
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:03 PM on January 12, 2010


I know what I'm having for dinner!

Water Pie
Serves 3
You will need:

* 120ml water
* 10ml lemonade

Instructions:

1. slice the water
2. defrost the lemonade
3. go down the pub

Yum
posted by maurice at 3:33 PM on January 12, 2010 [3 favorites]


White Wine Melt Bagels
Serves 2
You will need:

* 60ml white wine
* 130ml cream

Instructions:

1. eat the cream
2. eat the white wine
3. serve chilled

Done. Best recipe ever!
posted by Solon and Thanks at 4:26 PM on January 12, 2010


I knew this reminded me of something.

The Excited Pig: A “whole salami, skinned” is cooked in strong espresso coffee and flavored with eau-de-cologne.
...
Diabolical Roses: Red roses, battered and deep-fried.
...
Simultaneous Ice-Cream: Vanilla dairy cream and little squares of raw onion frozen together.
...
War-in-Bed — a relatively appetizing blend of pineapple juice, egg, cocoa, caviar, red pepper, almond paste, nutmeg, and a whole clove, all mixed in the yellow Strega liqueur. He declares that modern women (preferably sheathed in dresses made of gold graphic patterns) will inevitably be won over by the intellectual rigor of Futurist cooking, describing one beautiful donna’s wide-eyed response: “I’m dazzled! Your genius frightens me!”

posted by idiopath at 8:01 PM on January 12, 2010


Aw shucks. It gave me hiccups. The last time I had hiccups was like 2003.
posted by xorry at 8:15 PM on January 12, 2010


Turns out pizza style ricepaper is porridge. Who knew?

This is wonderfully surreal.
posted by pemberkins at 8:24 PM on January 12, 2010


>: “I’m dazzled! Your genius frightens me!”

Sounds like something out of an Ayn Rand slash fic, just before the juicy action happens.
posted by dunkadunc at 8:28 PM on January 12, 2010


In Ayn Rand slash fic, awkward exclamatory dialogue is the juicy action.
posted by Wolfdog at 7:27 AM on January 13, 2010


I love this already.

Cod Liver Oil Surprise
Serves 4

You will need:

140ml cod liver oil
60ml whipped cream
60g lard
90g self-raising flour

Instructions:

1. pre-heat the oven to 180 C
2. slice the lard
3. grill the cod liver oil
4. put the whipped cream in the saucepan
5. sift the self-raising flour
6. bake for 80 minutes and serve hot
posted by LMGM at 9:29 PM on January 13, 2010


"Aw shucks. It gave me hiccups. The last time I had hiccups was like 2003."

I was laughing so hard, my stomach bongoed my intestines and I started farting.

Someone used to reading and cooking recipes, reads first the ingredients and then has a good idea of how the rest will proceed. What got me was:

Iceberg Lettuce A La Brandy
* 40ml brandy
* 60g plain flour
* 30g iceberg lettuce
* 4 leeks
posted by MonkeySaltedNuts at 4:04 PM on January 14, 2010 [1 favorite]


Carrots a la Lemons:

you will need:

4 carrots
4 lemons

1. fry the lemons until browned
2. defrost the carrots
3. bake for 60 minutes and serve hot
posted by notswedish at 4:56 PM on January 24, 2010


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