No Department of Agriculture blood subsidies?

January 12, 2010 11:49 AM

Simulated U.S. Government Agency Responses to Vampire-Americans "Every spring, [the Patterson School of Diplomacy and International Commerce] runs a policy simulation designed to illustrate the difficulty of operating an organization in the context of asymmetric and limited information. Every fall, I run a two hour mini-simulation designed to give students a sense of how the larger simulation will play out. ... Since vampires seem to be in the news lately, this year I chose a vampire oriented scenario."
posted by amber_dale (23 comments total)

Retractable fangs? Impossible!
posted by filthy light thief at 11:53 AM on January 12, 2010

a CIA vampire killed Salvador Allende

I fucking KNEW IT!
posted by Pope Guilty at 11:57 AM on January 12, 2010

if I was General Mills I would be buying up cocoa and marbits like there was no tomorrow. You gotta hits these trends while theyr'e hot.
posted by GuyZero at 11:57 AM on January 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

Vampire - takes life force to feed itself. Now...what other kinds of things sound like that, and what will be the agency response?


"Sell plasma" is number sixteen a list of sixty ways "to gather funds" California attorney Amy Kleinpeter said had been sent to her client as an addendum to the company's customer enrollment package.
posted by rough ashlar at 12:01 PM on January 12, 2010

US military had employed vampires since the Civil War. In World War II, an entire brigade sized unit was created, although it was mainly concerned with responding to the activities of German and Japanese vampires. I also indicated that many analysts believed that Osama Bin Laden was a vampire, and that Al Qaeda seemed comfortable with the use of vampiric agents.

What about Condi Rice?
posted by delmoi at 12:01 PM on January 12, 2010

With vampires the devil is always in the details

Ya think?
posted by Obscure Reference at 12:03 PM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Vampires have to intentionally create additional vampires by force feeding “candidate” victims.

Yeah, like they wouldn't have emo kids lined around the block.

They make a lot of weird assumptions and conclusions. Also funny how in the scenario the author throws out the sensitivity to religious items, and other traditional vulnerabilities.

This is still a cool exercise. I'm not sure why vampires would keep the loyalties from their previous lives though.

Ok, I'm discussing vampires on the internet. Someone put a stake in me.
posted by cjorgensen at 12:06 PM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

We'll fund and arm an anti-vampire insurgency of werewolves. Then the werewolves will begin attacking us.

Then we'll take out the Number 2 werewolf with a drone strike. Then the Pentagon will deny local reports that 10-20 wolf cubs were killed in the attack. Then they'll acknowledge them as regrettable collateral damage.
posted by Joe Beese at 12:08 PM on January 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

We'll fund and arm an anti-vampire insurgency of werewolves.

What happens when a vampire and a werewolf bite each other at the same time? And how exactly did the Creature from the Black Lagoon kill people? Heave-ho!
posted by billysumday at 12:10 PM on January 12, 2010

So he's showing them True Blood, basically?
posted by oinopaponton at 12:11 PM on January 12, 2010

Liaise with Interpol regarding transnational vampire threats.

I thought they already did this. Do you mean we're currently unprotected?!
posted by echo target at 12:12 PM on January 12, 2010

So he's showing them True Blood, basically?

Yep, as it says in the second paragraph of the post: "The scenario was broadly organized around the motivating concept of True Blood."
posted by amber_dale at 12:22 PM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

What about transsexual vampire threats? Does interpol liaise about them?
posted by a robot made out of meat at 12:31 PM on January 12, 2010

I wish they had included the IRS, FTC, and SEC in their analysis. Sure, most CEOs are already inhuman beasts that live in darkness and suck the life out of humanity, but vampire CEOs have the potential to do it for an even longer period.
posted by Benjy at 12:34 PM on January 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

TEAM JACOB
posted by Greg Nog at 12:35 PM on January 12, 2010

If the vampires really have centuries-long lifespans, the CIA and DHS really need to get going on identifying people presumed dead who could actually be vampires and may be actively working to threaten American security. Stalin, Jefferson Davis, Hitler, Benedict Arnold, J Edgar Hoover, Reagan, etc.
posted by Jon_Evil at 12:35 PM on January 12, 2010

I wonder how the the earlier zombie scenario went. I assume it involved a massive program to plant rows of sunflowers, repeaters, wall nuts and torch woods in America's yards (and lily pads with cat tails in homes with swimming pools).
posted by eyeballkid at 12:38 PM on January 12, 2010 [4 favorites]

You're doing it wrong...its not vampires we should be worried about...its Zombies.

Just ask these guys. SLYT
posted by hal_c_on at 12:45 PM on January 12, 2010

Yeah, like they wouldn't have emo kids lined around the block.

I dunno when goth and emo became synonymous but mister, I don't like it.


?TEAM JACOB

TEAM TYLER'S VAN
posted by Pope Guilty at 1:37 PM on January 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

Although come to think of it, Interview With the Vampire : Goth :: Twilight : Emo.
posted by Pope Guilty at 1:38 PM on January 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

cjorgensen This is still a cool exercise. I'm not sure why vampires would keep the loyalties from their previous lives though.

I thought it most probably refers to effects from the sire/childe process, for example involuntary obedience and physical weakness when fighting the sire (eg Bill imprisoned by Lorena, S02E07-08).

Also former social position in vampire heirarchies is likely to be of great importance to those who were at the top, even if all are now equal under the law. (Itself a passing philosophical fad in the eyes of a 150+ year old.)
posted by aeschenkarnos at 1:39 PM on January 12, 2010

I wish he'd post some of the other scenario results, especially that Independence Day one. it certainly sounds like an interesting clean-up operation...
posted by Rhaomi at 3:05 PM on January 12, 2010

As long as the vampires don't sparkle, I'm cool with scenario proposed in the simulation. I'd like to see some of this incorporated into the True Blood series.

Vampires have to intentionally create additional vampires by force feeding “candidate” victims.

Yeah, like they wouldn't have emo kids lined around the block.

Or, in True Blood parlance, "fang bangers".

I also don't understand why this had to be specified. What other way would vampires propagate, since they don't have any living "biology" to reproduce otherwise? Whatevs. I, for one, would welcome our new vampire overlords. Yeah, baby, bite me.
posted by fuse theorem at 6:46 PM on January 12, 2010