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Worst. Movie. Ever. (of the week)
February 16, 2010 10:54 AM   Subscribe

Worst. Movie. Ever. (of the week) A sampling: Legion, Daybreakers, 2012
posted by gwint (64 comments total) 11 users marked this as a favorite

 
Starting with a biblical quote is the movie equivalent of bringing massage-oil along on the first date.

that's pretty good.
posted by shmegegge at 10:57 AM on February 16, 2010 [6 favorites]


"It was a gift from my ex-wife. She was a bitch, but she always supported my plot-device collection."
posted by brundlefly at 11:01 AM on February 16, 2010


They had me at "it could be the greatest Preacher-ripoff movie of our young century". That's exactly the vibe I got from the trailer.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:06 AM on February 16, 2010


By trotting out reviews of bad movies under the header "Worst. Movie. Ever. (of the week)," it really waters down the notion of something truly being the worst, and how long "ever" really is. It's akin to saying you'll give 1,000% or 1 BILLION PERCENT! See, 100% means EVERYTHING. The whole of an item. You can only give the whole of something, be it a day, a vote, or your attention. You can have an increase beyond 100% (as in "I want you to give me 150% more than yesterday), because the original 100% is a known quantity which is only used as a reference point.

By repeatedly claiming something to be the pinnacle of its class, these exaggerations must become grander when something truly trumps the past failures or successes. I guess it's a bright future for linguists to track new words and/or usage to more accurately portray societal highs and lows.

All that said, it's interesting to see a movie through the real-time snark only, without knowing what is actually happening in the movie. I wonder if someone might not cobble these into a subtitle pack for movies, akin to the fan-made rifftrax.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:08 AM on February 16, 2010 [3 favorites]


MetaFilter: I miss the vase filled with cocaine.
posted by verb at 11:08 AM on February 16, 2010


New angel just walked in. He really, really looks like a male stripper. "I hear there are some bad girls here who need to be JUDGED" [whips off armored breastplate]

I was on the fence about it until this line.
posted by nooneyouknow at 11:08 AM on February 16, 2010 [4 favorites]


By trotting out reviews of bad movies under the header "Worst. Movie. Ever. (of the week)," it really waters down the notion of something truly being the worst, and how long "ever" really is.

I really think that was the point - a sort of irony about how we'll forget these "worst movie evers" by next week.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 11:13 AM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]


What does it say about our culture that the GQ pop culture bad movie mockery column is a straight quote of a Simpson's line that was stale and annoying ten years ago?
posted by Caduceus at 11:14 AM on February 16, 2010 [4 favorites]


Very similar to The Onion AV Club's My Year Of Flops and I Watched This On Purpose.
posted by Ratio at 11:14 AM on February 16, 2010


Legion is a turd, but I've heard that Daybreakers is actually pretty fun. Any opinions here?
posted by brundlefly at 11:15 AM on February 16, 2010


I note that "Daybreakers" has a 67% "fresh" rating at Rotten Tomatoes.

Legion is at 17%. From Paris with Love is at 35%. When in Rome, like Legion, sits at 17%. 2012 is at a relatively robust 39% (compared to the 17% shitfests). Lastly, The Spy Next Door comes it at an astoundingly bad 8%.

I don't think it is fair to lump Daybreakers, an actually decent (if, admittedly, not a masterpiece of cinema) film in with a couple bad movies and a couple absolutely terrible movies. Just because it has vampires in it doesn't mean it's automatically terrible. It's not a bad film.
posted by Justinian at 11:16 AM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]


They had me at "it could be the greatest Preacher-ripoff movie of our young century". That's exactly the vibe I got from the trailer.

I thought it looked like a shitty ripoff of The Prophecy, myself.
posted by Pope Guilty at 11:17 AM on February 16, 2010


The part of the disaster movie where nobody believes the scientist is like the part of the porno movie where the pizza delivery guy is making the pizza.

QFT
posted by brundlefly at 11:18 AM on February 16, 2010 [9 favorites]


filthy light thief: That's the Worst. Comment. Ever.

(note: you're missing that this sort of formulation is a reference to Comic Book Guy on the Simpsons. )
posted by Justinian at 11:18 AM on February 16, 2010


Is this where we get to speculate about Sharktopus?

Or should we just reminisce about Spanglish?
posted by mazola at 11:18 AM on February 16, 2010


gwint: Worst. Movie. Ever. (of the week)

I wish they clearly labeled what each movie was on that page, instead of only some of them with tags of posters.

Also, I hate the format of these.
posted by paisley henosis at 11:18 AM on February 16, 2010


I thought it looked like a shitty ripoff of The Prophecy, myself.

To be even more precise, a shitty ripoff of The Prophecy II. It is sad that I know this.
posted by Justinian at 11:22 AM on February 16, 2010


I'm betting Valentine's Day, Actually has to be at least as bad as any of these.
posted by FelliniBlank at 11:22 AM on February 16, 2010


brundlefly: Legion is a turd, but I've heard that Daybreakers is actually pretty fun. Any opinions here?

If you like Blade-type, Underworld 1-type action/supernatural/moodiness-from-a-can (and I do) then Daybreakers is enjoyable and worth your time. If you want a Good Movie, look elsewhere, but it is fun and I enjoyed it.
posted by paisley henosis at 11:23 AM on February 16, 2010


By the way, if I call a movie like this "shitty", it is absolute crap. Because I'm a huge sucker for the whole angels-and-demons on earth eschatology. I actually liked Constantinte! Reeves and all! I'd go see a sequel! I would!
posted by Justinian at 11:23 AM on February 16, 2010


I have to say, I wish my mom drug me to more of these awful movies, because these would be way funnier after that. I'm the type who feels funny about flaws and plot holes in movies, but can't always put those feelings into words. I just feel a general sense of malaise, as I know something terrible has happened on screen, I just can't say what.
posted by mccarty.tim at 11:24 AM on February 16, 2010


FelliniBlank: Valentine's Day is, indeed, truly abysmal.
posted by Justinian at 11:24 AM on February 16, 2010


Daybreakers had a nice sci-fi-esq distopian future thing going for it but completely lost it with all the over the top vampire shenanigans that just made the whole thing corny as hell.
posted by wcfields at 11:27 AM on February 16, 2010


I'm. Really. Sick. Of. This. Way. Of. Writing.
posted by rhymer at 11:30 AM on February 16, 2010


(even when it has a tongue in cheek bit afterwards)
posted by rhymer at 11:31 AM on February 16, 2010


What's the best way to appreciate how bad Valentine's Day is without blowing cash or time on it? I know Taylor Swift is in it.

Just tell me if this is better or worse than the movie. If the movie is worse, I might have to see it. I've been in a bit of a funk lately, and I'm thinking something really putrid might knock me out of it.
posted by mccarty.tim at 11:33 AM on February 16, 2010


I don't think it is fair to lump Daybreakers, an actually decent (if, admittedly, not a masterpiece of cinema) film in with a couple bad movies and a couple absolutely terrible movies.

It's fair. Some genres are inherently terrible, even if individual movies are good. I liked Daybreakers, but, then, I also liked Underworld, and both come from a terrible genre I call the It's Blue All The Time Because We're Contemporary Vampires genre.

This is how it goes. Westerns and crime pictures used to be Bad Film genres, until a later generation of critics celebrated them. Blaxploitation is still a bad genre. Hixploitation is worse. But Penitentiary and Deliverance are good films.

This point is unrelated, but I think is also worthwhile: despite the superficial quality of excellence, if a film can be enjoyed as camp, it can get lumped in with bad films. JCVD was excellent, but the very presence of Jean Claud Van Damme made it a bad film, in the camp sense, even though the film was terrific.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:35 AM on February 16, 2010


Vampire Sam Neill doesn't believe in Peak Blood Theory. It's just a conspiracy made up by beating-heart liberals.

Ha!
posted by Scoo at 11:43 AM on February 16, 2010


Daybreakers didn't get much love because the vampire angle got played up so much that only horror fans went - - I didn't even realize it was a sci-fi until I watched it. Plus it's a smart dark satire, which is, of course, the kiss of death nowadays...
posted by fairmettle at 11:56 AM on February 16, 2010


Caduceus: What does it say about our culture that the GQ pop culture bad movie mockery column is a straight quote of a Simpson's line that was stale and annoying ten years ago?

Wait, I know this one. It says that you hate fun, right?

Anyway, I was very much expecting your usual GQ hipper-than-thou lightweight snarkery (they do this now at the start of every issue as a sort of stuff-that's-happening-this-month round-up, and it's generally pretty obnoxious), but then I hit this line early in the When In Rome review:

Naddaf: 40 seconds in, man with large bag walks out of the theater.
Pappademas: "I'm a travelling bad-movie salesman. My work here is done."


Damn if they didn't bring their A game to this. It'll probably wear thin eventually, but for now I'm a fan.
posted by gompa at 11:57 AM on February 16, 2010


I thought Daybreakers was pretty great: much better than the Underworld movies. It had a good sense of style and place. I didn't know it was considered a bad movie.

Legion was awful.
posted by painquale at 12:06 PM on February 16, 2010


Blaxploitation is still a bad genre.

At this point I would like to plug Black Dynamite, one of the most brilliant enactments (best word I can think of) blaxploitation I’ve ever seen.
posted by mistersquid at 12:12 PM on February 16, 2010 [3 favorites]


Is this where we get to speculate about Sharktopus?

Hail Roger, full of schlock! SyFy is with thee.
Blessed art thou among producers
And blessed is the fruit of thy production company, Death Race 2000.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:14 PM on February 16, 2010 [5 favorites]


Plus it's a smart dark satire, which is, of course, the kiss of death nowadays...

and now I want to see it.
posted by shmegegge at 12:14 PM on February 16, 2010


I don't think it is fair to lump Daybreakers, an actually decent (if, admittedly, not a masterpiece of cinema) film in with a couple bad movies and a couple absolutely terrible movies.

Note that these guys are watching press screenings of these films, likely before they're released to general audiences. They say in the introduction that they go to screenings of movies they think are going to be bad, not necessarily movies that have been panned or praised elsewhere.

By trotting out reviews of bad movies under the header "Worst. Movie. Ever. (of the week)," it really waters down the notion of something truly being the worst, and how long "ever" really is.

Aw, earnesty—cute!
posted by carsonb at 12:16 PM on February 16, 2010


Pappademas: Old lady says "Fuck"! If saying "fuck" is cool, she's Miles Davis.

Made me spit my iced tea.
posted by tommasz at 12:16 PM on February 16, 2010


Damn if they didn't bring their A game to this. It'll probably wear thin eventually, but for now I'm a fan.

I know, right? Seeing as this is basically the GQ version of a million other "watch a thing while we mock it on aim" blogs, I expected it to be tired. But they're really making good jokes, which was a surprise to me.
posted by shmegegge at 12:16 PM on February 16, 2010


From the Legion review; “Glenn Beck said this is what would happen if we elected Obama. And here we are." Priceless!
posted by white_devil at 12:28 PM on February 16, 2010


"War is coming to the people of earth. The dogs of heaven will be unleashed." My understanding is that ALL dogs go to heaven, so I'd say we're screwed.

Gold, pure gold. I imagine it would be a lot funnier if I'd actually seen any of these movies, though.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 12:46 PM on February 16, 2010


Pappademas: Seriously. The part of the disaster movie where nobody believes the scientist is like the part of the porno movie where the pizza delivery guy is making the pizza.

I approve of this.
posted by qvantamon at 12:46 PM on February 16, 2010


I didn't even realize it was a sci-fi until I watched it. Plus it's a smart dark satire, which is, of course, the kiss of death nowadays...

The earliest trailers made it much clearer that it was sci-fi. I was actually a little concerned when the TV spots hit that they had completely changed it over to a horror-centric theme because I figured that meant that they had done some last minute re-cut it or something.

I'm glad to hear that it sounds the movie depicted in the original previews is the one that I'm going to see (very soon).
posted by quin at 1:10 PM on February 16, 2010


Also if you really want to see angels and demons and shit, go watch Supernatural. It's pretty great and there's four and a half season to catch up on.
posted by Pope Guilty at 1:28 PM on February 16, 2010


"War is coming to the people of earth. The dogs of heaven will be unleashed." My understanding is that ALL dogs go to heaven, so I'd say we're screwed.

Hey, the first draft of the script was to have a billion angelic, barking, winged dogs, flying around, pooping on people. All set to "Who Let the Dogs Out," so the released version is a slight improvement.

The articles are decently funny, however, this commentary style and tone is strikingly similar to, but not nearly as funny/bizarre as SomethingAwful's Fashion Swat articles, that have been running since 2004. Here's a fine example.
posted by chambers at 1:36 PM on February 16, 2010


I thought "Daybreakers" was pretty good. It's more of an SF movie than a horror movie. Not very scary, but an original concept I haven't seen on screen before. It's not like it's the umpteenth sequel in a tired franchise or something.

Not that convinced by this particular instance of movie-mockery. Hope redlettermedia is coming along with his Attack of the Clones review.
posted by TheophileEscargot at 1:38 PM on February 16, 2010


Oh god, the director of that terrible looking Travolta movie reviewed here is slated to be doing the Dune remake.
posted by octothorpe at 1:53 PM on February 16, 2010


I love Supernatural. My wife and I have a game that we started about halfway through the first season; it's called "Time until the improbably hot chick/ cute kid appears". It's rarely more than 10 minutes into any given episode.
posted by quin at 1:57 PM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]


"The Q. Worst. Movie. Ever. (Of the Week) Every Friday, our fearless cultural critics, armed with nothing but smartphones and hangovers, report live via email from an A.M. screening of what we believe will be the most horrible thing Hollywood has foisted..."

There were just too many cliches in that intro for me to keep going. All it said to me was "This is going to be dumb."
posted by MarshallPoe at 2:33 PM on February 16, 2010


Just read the Legion review. These guys are awesome. Great FPP.
posted by effugas at 3:39 PM on February 16, 2010


Every Friday, our fearless cultural critics, armed with nothing but smartphones and hangovers....

Awesome! The make me hate them before I waste my time.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 3:50 PM on February 16, 2010


"From Paris with Love" had it moments, and very little was actually terrible, but overall it was just numblingly blah. "Taken" was much better because it had a 10x better story to tell, and in Liam Neeson absolutely the right actor to bring that story to fore.

"Daybreakers" was good. I didn't read a single review of it that suggested otherwise, and there were moments in the movie that flirted with greatness.
posted by MattD at 4:34 PM on February 16, 2010


I'm really honestly surprised at all the positive comments about Daybreakers in here. I'm a huge nerd (that is, I'm quite nerdy, but only of average physical size), and I'd still only put it a half step above Legion, which was utter shite.
posted by Amanojaku at 5:04 PM on February 16, 2010


The website isn't saying Daybreakers is inherently bad. Just that it was the worst release that week. That week we got Youth in Revolt and Leap Year. Now, Leap Year's sitting at a solid 21%, but I think the problem with naming it 'Worst of the Week' is that the entire movie plot was revealed in the trailer. So, anyone who has seen the trailer has seen the movie.

Perhaps it's better titled "Worst. Movie. Ever. (of the week (that we still kinda wanted to see))"
posted by graventy at 6:01 PM on February 16, 2010


In a very different medium, the guys at http://www.flophousepodcast.com/ podcast are doing the same snarky fun. Very funny guys.
posted by zardoz at 6:16 PM on February 16, 2010


Oops. The Flop House podcast.
posted by zardoz at 6:16 PM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]


God saw Avatar. He loves the Na'vi more than us now.

All it takes is one line for me to like them.
posted by kanewai at 6:59 PM on February 16, 2010


Justinian: "By the way, if I call a movie like this "shitty", it is absolute crap. Because I'm a huge sucker for the whole angels-and-demons on earth eschatology. I actually liked Constantinte! Reeves and all! I'd go see a sequel! I would!"

Wait, what's wrong with Constantine, apart from casting Keanu and the fact that it mangled the backstory of the Hellraiser comics?

If you pretend you never heard of Hellraiser or John Constantine before, and you manage to tolerate Keanu Reeves, I think it's actually a good movie, even bordering on great. The plot is pretty tight and original, there's some inspired casting (Tilda Swinton and Peter Stormare? Hell yes), good art direction and VFX, great mood... What's not to like?
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 11:56 PM on February 16, 2010


If Constantine hadn't shat all over Dangerous Habits, I'd have been much more generous to it. As it is, well, you're fuckin' with my favorite Hellblazer story.
posted by Pope Guilty at 2:08 AM on February 17, 2010


Dude, Daybreakers was MADE for the drive-in. And watching it back-to-back with another crap film only makes the sweet, sweet $6 entry for two first-run features with $1 candy and being able to take my shoes off and crank up the sound nothing short of amazing.

Daybreakers for $12 at a shitty, tiny theater full of people talking? Yeah, that would suck. Some movies are made for renting, some for the drive-in, and some for the high-quality full theater experience. Films like the new Star Trek beg to be seen the first weekend, even. The solidarity of fans clapping, cheering and vibrating with excitement before and after the film add to the experience.

But there is a place for every piece of shit film in the pantheon, even Battlefield Earth. Showing it on a giant wall against the outside of inner-city McDonald's locations would probably deter loitering teens and panhandlers, yeah?
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 8:52 AM on February 17, 2010


Yeah, I was completely unfamilar with the comics, and I can take or leave Keanu, so I found Constantine to be a hell of a lot of fun. Not brilliant, but fun -- essentially for the same reasons that Joakim Ziegler mentions.

Also, its depiction of Hell was worth the price of admission by itself.
posted by brundlefly at 9:42 AM on February 17, 2010 [1 favorite]


I never read Hellblazer, either, though I had a lot of friends who were fans and I was at least aware of the comic. But I thought Constantine was a fantastically directed and shot film--it at least looks absolutely gorgeous. By the end the plot makes no sense at all, but I was just tripping on the sure-handed visual aspect alone. I had high hopes for the director, Francis Lawrence, but his next movie was I Am Legend; decent but forgettable.
posted by zardoz at 3:17 PM on February 17, 2010


zardoz: "I had high hopes for the director, Francis Lawrence, but his next movie was I Am Legend; decent but forgettable."

Yeah, I had hopes for I Am Legend because of him, but it was pretty disappointing, especially the ending. (I thought the first 20 minutes were pretty riveting, actually).
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 9:45 PM on February 17, 2010


For some reason everybody who adapts I Am Legend to the screen gets the idea that they, personally, are better storytellers than Richard Matheson and decides to substantially change the story, plot, and characters. Folks, if you're writing screenplays right now, you are not better than Richard Matheson. Stop fucking with him!
posted by Pope Guilty at 2:30 AM on February 18, 2010 [1 favorite]


It is funny, I Am Legend is a pretty simple short novel, it's hard to believe that they managed to fuck it up three times.
posted by octothorpe at 4:44 AM on February 18, 2010


filthy light thief: By trotting out reviews of bad movies under the header "Worst. Movie. Ever. (of the week)," it really waters down the notion of something truly being the worst, and how long "ever" really is. It's akin to saying you'll give 1,000% or 1 BILLION PERCENT!

Hey, I liked 4 Billion%!
posted by Pronoiac at 3:18 PM on February 18, 2010


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