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I can fling small stones almost resembling a storm
May 18, 2010 11:19 AM   Subscribe

"I have kinds of mortars; most convenient and easy to carry; and with these I can fling small stones almost resembling a storm; and with the smoke of these cause great terror to the enemy, to his great detriment and confusion. [...] I have means by secret and tortuous mines and ways, made without noise, to reach a designated spot, even if it were needed to pass under a trench or a river. I will make covered chariots, safe and unattackable, which, entering among the enemy with their artillery, there is no body of men so great but they would break them. And behind these, infantry could follow quite unhurt and without any hindrance."
Leonardo da Vinci's cocky, violent resume
posted by not_the_water (27 comments total) 21 users marked this as a favorite

 
And they'd take him at the Ladders, if he made up some crap about how he makes or has recently made $100,000 a year, especially if he could pay the $140 a year membership.
posted by raysmj at 11:26 AM on May 18, 2010


That's a cover letter, not a resume.
posted by olinerd at 11:29 AM on May 18, 2010 [5 favorites]


It reads like a brochure from a Renaissance defense contractor trade fair. Damned military-pre-industrial complex...
posted by jedicus at 11:30 AM on May 18, 2010 [2 favorites]


In the last paragraph: "I can carry out sculpture in marble, bronze, or clay, and also I can do in painting whatever may be done, as well as any other, be he who he may."

After the ass kicking is all taken care of, he can class up the palazzo.
posted by longsleeves at 11:30 AM on May 18, 2010 [7 favorites]


I can fling small stones

I'm sorry but that just doesn't sound that scary. I picture a few pebbles raining down on a guy's head:

"Ow. Dammit, Leonardo! Those things really hurt!"
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:32 AM on May 18, 2010 [2 favorites]


From now on I am ending all my resumes with: Again, the bronze horse may be taken in hand, which is to be to the immortal glory and eternal honor of the prince your father of happy memory, and of the illustrious house of insert company here.
posted by Comrade_robot at 11:32 AM on May 18, 2010 [2 favorites]


Here's wishing you an illustrious week, Readers!
posted by oneswellfoop at 11:32 AM on May 18, 2010


I heard Steve Jobs sent a letter like this to President Obama.
"I have kinds of handhelde devices; most convenient and easy to carry; and with these I can provide thousands of small applications almost resembling a storm; and with the thought of these cause great terror to the competition, to his great detriment and confusion. [...] I have means by secret and fantastic creative design and ways, accomplished without leaks, to take a new product to market, even if it were needed to pass under a river of internet fanboi. I will make tablet devices, safe and walled-in, which, entering among the enemy with their cheap netbooks, there is no netbook user so great as they would not shirk at the sight. And behind these tablets, even more modern designs could follow quite naturally and without any scoffing from Engadget."
posted by circular at 11:35 AM on May 18, 2010 [22 favorites]


And when Ludovico il Moro, Duke of Milan, Googled himself, he'd see this:

GOOGLE AD
Ludovico il Moro, Duke of Milan
Most Illustrious Lord, I am most ready to make the experiment in your park, or in whatever place may please your Excellency
posted by oneswellfoop at 11:35 AM on May 18, 2010 [3 favorites]


"Fanboi" is a mass noun now? Cool.
posted by nebulawindphone at 11:38 AM on May 18, 2010


(Er, shouldn't jump to conclusions. Maybe it's just the plural of "Fanbo.")
posted by nebulawindphone at 11:38 AM on May 18, 2010


Looks good in print but interviews weakly. Little or no eye contact. Dresses in unprofessional manner. Needs haircut.
posted by Postroad at 11:38 AM on May 18, 2010 [3 favorites]


I am just proud that Da Vinci and I have so much in common, as I can also fling small stones.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:40 AM on May 18, 2010 [2 favorites]


Leonardo Da Vinci: The Artist That Solved The Riddle of Earthshine
posted by homunculus at 11:49 AM on May 18, 2010


Eh, I prefer Leonard of Quirm.
posted by kmz at 11:52 AM on May 18, 2010


IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING
posted by Philosopher Dirtbike at 11:52 AM on May 18, 2010


From his first employee performance review:

"Poor organizational skills. Illegible penmanship. Fraternizes on company time. Starts projects he doesn't finish (e.g. flying machine, horseless murder chariot). Can paint a little."
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:53 AM on May 18, 2010 [14 favorites]


But does he know the scientific names of beings animalculous?
posted by Lemurrhea at 12:07 PM on May 18, 2010


I point out that he used bullet points in his list of how I can help Ludovico Sforza cause damage.

I use this resume/cover letter in class to show that you can be a Renaissance genius but still have to write a cover letter/resume.
posted by jadepearl at 12:38 PM on May 18, 2010


I label thee: Not A Team Player.
posted by tommasz at 1:19 PM on May 18, 2010


Hire now, my Lord
posted by minifigs at 1:22 PM on May 18, 2010


I had to report him to HR. He kept asking me to take off my clothes and stand with my limbs spread inside a circle overlayed on a square. I kept telling him no I'm not interested. I've never heard of club Vitruvius and I don't want to go with you. I felt bad about ratting him out but I finally felt like I didn't have any other choice.
posted by Babblesort at 1:32 PM on May 18, 2010 [3 favorites]


Yes, but are you familiar with Excel?
posted by krinklyfig at 1:34 PM on May 18, 2010


This shit is why I love humanity except for the times I do not.
posted by joe lisboa at 1:56 PM on May 18, 2010


This is one of those documents that would sound good read aloud, even if you didn't understand the language.
posted by krinklyfig at 2:03 PM on May 18, 2010


All my ex-employers are lucky as hell that they've got my resumé before I'm famous.

Think of how much it'll be worth on eBay!
posted by djgh at 2:48 PM on May 18, 2010


theladders.com: totally into whatever, errr, yeah !
posted by Substrata at 4:38 PM on May 18, 2010


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