what do you get when you cross a laughter with a candy ? a laugh saver .

July 30, 2010 8:56 AM

The Joking Computer: an algorithm that writes jokes. Have it make you a joke or learn how it works.
posted by jjray (155 comments total)

Let me know when it gets around to doing the Aristocrats joke.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:59 AM on July 30, 2010 [7 favorites]

the interface reminds me of cd-rom impulse buy software of computer city circa 1997.
posted by SmileyChewtrain at 9:00 AM on July 30, 2010 [25 favorites]

He's no Chucklebot.

No wait, maybe he is.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:01 AM on July 30, 2010 [5 favorites]

well... it's getting there, i guess. but it's not there yet.
posted by saulgoodman at 9:01 AM on July 30, 2010

They made my robot laugh.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 9:02 AM on July 30, 2010 [9 favorites]

what do you call a temperature that has a brim ?

a blood hat .

whut.
posted by slogger at 9:02 AM on July 30, 2010 [11 favorites]

what do you call a cruise detector ?

a photoelectric c - sail .

And humanity is safe from robot superiority for one more day.
posted by theodolite at 9:03 AM on July 30, 2010 [11 favorites]

what do you get when you cross an ohio with an image ?

a scarecr - oh .

It has a certain surrealist charm.
posted by octothorpe at 9:03 AM on July 30, 2010 [6 favorites]

> Let me know when it gets around to doing the Aristocrats joke.

It doesn't do situational jokes, only crossed referenced definitions. So, no incest for you. Although, even though most of these are kind of flat and the theme quickly wears thin, they're all funnier than The Aristocrats joke.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:03 AM on July 30, 2010 [3 favorites]

How can something be so amazing and so terrible at the same time?
posted by DU at 9:04 AM on July 30, 2010 [2 favorites]

Still funnier than Larry the Cable Guy.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 9:04 AM on July 30, 2010 [25 favorites]

No wait.

Q. How can something be so amazing and so terrible at the same time?

A. Welcome to the Internet!
posted by DU at 9:05 AM on July 30, 2010 [11 favorites]

I just remembered that I hate jokes.
posted by theodolite at 9:06 AM on July 30, 2010

He'd be a great panelist on Match Game 2015.
posted by hermitosis at 9:06 AM on July 30, 2010 [4 favorites]

Some of these could use some punch-up. Like: what do you get when you cross a steeple with a truck ?

a spire engine .


How about, "What do you get when a steeple fucks the fire department?"


because for all "combination wordplay" jokes I always re-imagine it as 'when _____ fucks ____'
posted by SmileyChewtrain at 9:06 AM on July 30, 2010 [6 favorites]

After about 10 of these they start to become really funny.
posted by sveskemus at 9:06 AM on July 30, 2010 [5 favorites]

I'm picturing the robot smiling expectantly after telling me that crossing a mammal with a weather gives you koala br-air.
posted by codacorolla at 9:08 AM on July 30, 2010 [16 favorites]

why is a gay clothes different from a gloomy board game ?

one is a cheery dress , the other is a dreary chess .


Good Lord.
posted by resiny at 9:09 AM on July 30, 2010 [8 favorites]

Perhaps the best feature that not only is there a "why is this a joke" button but that it also presents a syllogism as a reply.
posted by DU at 9:10 AM on July 30, 2010 [2 favorites]

What kind of a machine is a hot seat?

An electric chair electric car.

It doesn't work as a joke, but it does give me an idea for a million-dollar invention and a source of semi-renewable energy. Thanks, Barely Joking Computer!
posted by penduluum at 9:12 AM on July 30, 2010 [2 favorites]

what is the difference between a brilliant fresh water and a correct knowledge ?

one is a bright rain , the other is a right brain .

Too much reliance on punning inversions. This kid will never work the big rooms.
posted by Iridic at 9:12 AM on July 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

"What do you get when you cross an ohio with a sadness?"

--

"What is the difference between a great human and an average tin?"

--

"What kind of an importance is a suitcase?"

--

This thing tells terrible jokes, but provides great opening lines for avant-garde short stories.
posted by lore at 9:13 AM on July 30, 2010 [50 favorites]

what do you get when you cross a magi with a me ?

a wise maine .



QUERY FATHER: WILL JOKING COMPUTER EVER KNOW "LOVE"?

Not today, Joking Computer. Not today.

ERROR IN LAMENTATION CORE: SADNESS OVERFLOW. (0X8000ffff)
posted by boo_radley at 9:14 AM on July 30, 2010 [58 favorites]

They forgot to say that you have to smoke pot before using it..
posted by digsrus at 9:16 AM on July 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

Will it ever be able to win my heart like Jon Stewart with a silent winky-winky?
posted by Beardman at 9:17 AM on July 30, 2010

I love how there's an "I don't get it" button built right in!
posted by biochemist at 9:18 AM on July 30, 2010

what do you call a cross between a pop and a frame ?

a soda walker .

Yes. Yes you do.
posted by starman at 9:18 AM on July 30, 2010

"what is the difference between a circular gospel and a good cylinder ?

one is a round soul , the other is a sound roll ."

That one made me laugh.
posted by ShawnStruck at 9:18 AM on July 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

what is the difference between a free streamer and a naked hand tool ?

one is a spare banner , the other is a bare spanner .

The spaces before the punctuation are what make it funny.
posted by dirigibleman at 9:18 AM on July 30, 2010 [5 favorites]

What do you get when you cross an Ohio with a disability? An oh legs.

Because that sounds similar to "a bow legs." But why the indefinite articles? Everybody knows definite articles are the funny articles.
posted by Beardman at 9:20 AM on July 30, 2010

What is the difference between a band of clever pygmys and a girls' track team?

One is a band of clever pygmys and the other is a girls' track team!
posted by yhbc at 9:24 AM on July 30, 2010 [5 favorites]

At last, jokes even Carlos MenciaNed Holness won't steal.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 9:24 AM on July 30, 2010 [4 favorites]

I'm stealing these jokes.

Dane Cook
posted by pianomover at 9:26 AM on July 30, 2010 [3 favorites]

COMPUTER 1: My robot has no nose.
COMPUTER 10: Connect input device.
COMPUTER 1: Terrible.

COMPUTER 1: Beep beep
COMPUTER 10: Please enter your username.
COMPUTER 1: Doctor.
COMPUTER 10: Please enter your password.
COMPUTER 1: Who.
COMPUTER 10: Error - Joke Not Found.

COMPUTER 1: A robot, a robot and a robot walk into a bar.
COMPUTER 10: Compter 10 has already saved the joke "A robot, a robot and a robot walk into a bar". Do you want to replace the existing joke?
posted by the quidnunc kid at 9:27 AM on July 30, 2010 [32 favorites]

Setup: What kind of a rotation has a Canary Islands?
Punchline: A Spain spin.

Hm. Well, I guess it beats watching Leno.
posted by cgomez at 9:31 AM on July 30, 2010 [5 favorites]

what kind of a bison is depressed ?

a buffa - low .

Hey, that's almost funny.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:33 AM on July 30, 2010 [7 favorites]

The biggest joke there is the web design.
posted by Bonzai at 9:34 AM on July 30, 2010

why is a merry pasture different from a grizzly fossil fuel ?

Oh please, do tell me.

one is a gay grass , the other is a gray gas .

:(
posted by daniel_charms at 9:37 AM on July 30, 2010 [4 favorites]

Eliza: Hello. I am ELIZA. How can I help you?

You: what kind of a credit has a horn ?

Eliza: Does that question interest you?

You: a ram - mbrance .

Eliza: Please go on.

You: what is the difference between an apparent raincoat and a principal spot ?

Eliza: Does that question interest you?

Eliza: Please go on.

This was nowhere as good as I thought it was going to be
posted by jquinby at 9:37 AM on July 30, 2010 [8 favorites]

It looks like you're writing a joke.

Would you like help?

• Get help with writing the joke.

• Just type the letter without getting help.

☑ Eat shit and die, Quippy.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:37 AM on July 30, 2010 [4 favorites]

Still funnier than most of the stuff on TV these days.
posted by blue_beetle at 9:38 AM on July 30, 2010

Maybe it can solve the Raven/Writing desk mystery! C'mon Scoob!
posted by Trochanter at 9:41 AM on July 30, 2010

They, uh, seem to have forgotten the 'I don't get it' button on the online version. It'd be nice to have some sort of suggestion of what'd be better/correct somewhere.

ie. what do you call a cross between an air travel and a class ?

an aviation course .

I'd say, a crash course. but that's just me.
posted by LD Feral at 9:43 AM on July 30, 2010

what do you call a cruise detector ?

a photoelectric c - sail .

Ah! It's the machine that generates New Yorker cartoons, sweet.
posted by The Whelk at 9:43 AM on July 30, 2010 [12 favorites]

COMPUTER 1: ...
COMPUTER 10:...

BINARY VERISIMILITUDE: FOUND
posted by DU at 9:45 AM on July 30, 2010

Y'all are a bunch of sticks in the mud. This is like a brilliant shotgun blast in the face of forced puns. This is basically what I spend my free time doing when I want to annoy my girlfriend.

What do you call a cross between a choice and a movie?

A pick-ture.

That is fucking brilliant.
posted by Think_Long at 9:46 AM on July 30, 2010 [10 favorites]

If it opened for Dane Cook, I would leave during the intermission.
posted by Wolfdog at 9:46 AM on July 30, 2010

Granted, I have an odd sense of humor, but I think this thing is hilarious.
posted by Afroblanco at 9:47 AM on July 30, 2010

Oh go visit Projects once in a while - The Jokemakers
posted by The Whelk at 9:49 AM on July 30, 2010 [3 favorites]

This robot is too smart for me. The jokes are terrible in terms of humor but rich in their explanations.
posted by Doug Stewart at 9:49 AM on July 30, 2010

what kind of a mixture is a substance ?

"Really? Get out! I never would have guessed that that was written by a machine."
posted by Wolfdog at 9:50 AM on July 30, 2010 [4 favorites]

OMG my roommate in college was a robot.
posted by XMLicious at 9:50 AM on July 30, 2010 [3 favorites]

what do you call a coming together glove ?

meeting mitten .

I imagining a defective tiny robots, repeating this over and over as it slams repeatably into a wall.
posted by The Whelk at 9:51 AM on July 30, 2010 [4 favorites]

This one is also almost funny:

what kind of a skirt is incorrect ?

a sa - wrong .<>
posted by 6550 at 9:54 AM on July 30, 2010 [6 favorites]

how is a good anger different from a circular mentor ?

one is a sound rage , the other is a round sage .

*gong*

*bows*
posted by brundlefly at 9:57 AM on July 30, 2010

You'd think someone would correct that little programming error that inserts the extra spacing before the punctuation. That can't be a particularly tough fix, and it's really grating.
posted by saulgoodman at 9:58 AM on July 30, 2010

I love these. I love these so much.
posted by Sticherbeast at 10:00 AM on July 30, 2010

The steps it walks you through are like some 50s futurist's vision of comedy in the year 2000.

Scientist: Computer, please generate a new joke.
Computer: WOULD YOU LIKE A JOKE ABOUT [TRANSPORT] OR [CLOTHES]?
Scientist: Transport, please.
posted by burnmp3s at 10:00 AM on July 30, 2010 [15 favorites]

jelly is a kind of matter.
I know I've seen lists of the "all jokes boil down to one of these small number of principles" variety before, but I believe we may have just discovered a really new archetype here.

Also, isn't it pretty common knowledge that this thing has been writing the Archie newspaper comic for several years at this point?
posted by Wolfdog at 10:01 AM on July 30, 2010 [5 favorites]

If you wanted to get ideas for your own sort of bad wordplay jokes or jocularities, you could at least get some ideas from this thing; some of them could be redeemable.
posted by Wolfdog at 10:03 AM on July 30, 2010

Holy cow these are bad.
posted by swift at 10:04 AM on July 30, 2010

"What kind of misery is a body politic?"

"A nation camp"

Okaaay. Keep working on it, guys.
posted by Decani at 10:06 AM on July 30, 2010 [2 favorites]

It's like eating a bag of Laffy Taffy without what little joy can be found in the flavor.
posted by ghiacursed at 10:06 AM on July 30, 2010 [4 favorites]

what do you call a purse roller coaster?
a bag dipper.
If you happen to know a three year old who has recently discovered jokes, you might recognize the style.
posted by Wolfdog at 10:08 AM on July 30, 2010 [3 favorites]

what do you call a minister that has a beaver?

Ahem.
posted by Wolfdog at 10:09 AM on July 30, 2010 [4 favorites]

what do you call a cattle with a heel ?
a shoe cow .


what do you call an american state that has a heel ?
a shoe york .
posted by swift at 10:09 AM on July 30, 2010

Also, isn't it pretty common knowledge that this thing has been writing the Archie newspaper comic for several years at this point?

You mean the Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000?
posted by Think_Long at 10:10 AM on July 30, 2010 [2 favorites]

"White robots dance like this... but silver robots dance like this..."
posted by quin at 10:10 AM on July 30, 2010 [4 favorites]

what kind of a summit is a choice ?

a mountain - pick .

WTF? Though I guess I have to commend them for the "so bad it's funny" rating option.
posted by giraffe at 10:12 AM on July 30, 2010

YOUR MAMA SO FAT SHE IS UNSUITABLE FOR LABOR FARMS AND WILL BE MOVED IMMEDIATELY TO NUTRIENT RECOVERY.
posted by condour75 at 10:15 AM on July 30, 2010 [38 favorites]

I love this. Especially the explanations of why it is funny - it reminds me of Kryten from Red Dwarf.
posted by mippy at 10:17 AM on July 30, 2010

what do you get when you cross a cold with a heat ?

a low temperature high temperature .

I also would have accepted "lukewarm."
posted by giraffe at 10:18 AM on July 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

what do you call a cross between a rooster and a sport ?

a cock climbing .

Let me know if anyone wants an explanation.
posted by Wolfdog at 10:18 AM on July 30, 2010 [6 favorites]

I really wish there wasn't a three drink minimum. We could have gone to the movies, but no, we had to go to the comedy club.....
posted by seventyfour at 10:19 AM on July 30, 2010

what do you get when you cross a cathy and a new yorker cartoon ?

ack , what an asshole !
posted by haveanicesummer at 10:21 AM on July 30, 2010 [11 favorites]

This will be heavily featured in the great meetup in the sky.
posted by Think_Long at 10:21 AM on July 30, 2010

what do you call a cross between a joking computer and a metafilter ?

an i for one welcome our scottish comedian robot overlords .
posted by HeroZero at 10:26 AM on July 30, 2010 [2 favorites]

When H.A.R.L.I.E. Was One Lousy Comedian
posted by adipocere at 10:27 AM on July 30, 2010

what kind of a skirt is incorrect ?
a sa - wrong .

Looks saright to me!

(Thanks, Terry Pratchett!)
posted by zvs at 10:29 AM on July 30, 2010 [3 favorites]

Apparently you really do need a soul to have a sense of humor.
posted by giraffe at 10:32 AM on July 30, 2010

The funniest thing for me was the non-plussed "OK" button you click after being told your joke. The perfect reaction.
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 10:35 AM on July 30, 2010 [20 favorites]

AND.THEN.THEY.BUILT.THE.SUPERCOLLIDER
posted by anazgnos at 10:35 AM on July 30, 2010 [2 favorites]

THAT IS WHAT SHE RESPONDED.
posted by The Whelk at 10:36 AM on July 30, 2010 [25 favorites]

Think_Long > This is basically what I spend my free time doing when I want to annoy my girlfriend.

....Honey? Is that you? (My boyfriend does joke-puns in all languages he knows and a few he doesn't speak yet. It's a miracle he's still alive.)
posted by dabitch at 10:36 AM on July 30, 2010

what do you call a boom box surface ?

a ghetto plaster .

I picture Steve Urkel telling this, followed by a brutal stabbing at the hands of Carl Winslow.
posted by Hiker at 10:40 AM on July 30, 2010 [6 favorites]

"What kind of misery is a body politic?"

That's actually just really awesome all by itself. In another context, that would be the rhetorical opener of a lengthy treatise, or a bad editorial.

Or maybe it's the soliloquy you get when you cross Hamlet with Julius Caesar...
posted by nickmark at 10:40 AM on July 30, 2010 [4 favorites]

what do you call a person with an elbow ?

a sleeve slave .

Why is this Funny?

sleeve and slave sound roughly the same.
slave is a kind of person.
a elbow can be a part of a sleeve.

-------------
posted by seventyfour at 10:42 AM on July 30, 2010 [8 favorites]

why is an additional cruise different from a tender communication ?

one is a more sail , the other is a sore mail .

the other other one is a not a sentence.
posted by heyforfour at 10:42 AM on July 30, 2010

What's the difference between Steven Wright and the Joking Computer?

Syntax error at line 1 near diff(): Parameters must not be identical.

posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 10:46 AM on July 30, 2010 [2 favorites]

So is this thing going to get funny over time? If so, what's the ETA of that?
posted by codacorolla at 10:48 AM on July 30, 2010

Try reading the jokes in Stephen Hawking's CG voice. Or for a more subtle read, the female NOAA weather radio synthetic voice.
posted by longsleeves at 10:48 AM on July 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

what do you get when you cross a corsage with a country ?

a bouquet people .

*nods sagely*
posted by Wolfdog at 10:50 AM on July 30, 2010

So is this thing going to get funny over time? If so, what's the ETA of that?

What do you get when you cross a heartfelt desire with a dumbell?

A long weight.*


* Didn't even need joking computer to do that.
posted by Hiker at 10:52 AM on July 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

The best voice in which to read these jokes is the voice that warns passengers on the Broad Street line in Philly: "Doors Closing."

It's a very sing-song but at the same time rich and almost husky female voice, who insists on saying "doahws" like we're in bloody England or something. But somehow she still manages to sound mechanized. What the hell were we talking about?
posted by Mister_A at 10:54 AM on July 30, 2010 [3 favorites]

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Ping me when it gets this, then we'll talk.
posted by briank at 10:55 AM on July 30, 2010

What do you call a witty rabbit?

- A funny bunny.
posted by pyrex at 10:57 AM on July 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

what do you call a jolly strategy ?

a gay - me plan .

OK, that's all for me, no matter how much it pains me.
posted by Wolfdog at 10:57 AM on July 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

That does give me an idea for a new MeFi subsite, though. Hm.
posted by Wolfdog at 11:01 AM on July 30, 2010

Gay.Me.Now?
posted by The Whelk at 11:05 AM on July 30, 2010

or does it just gay up the front page?
posted by The Whelk at 11:05 AM on July 30, 2010

That was so funny I forgot to laugh.
posted by mazola at 11:06 AM on July 30, 2010

Also, isn't it pretty common knowledge that this thing has been writing the Archie newspaper comic for several years at this point?

You mean the Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000?

No, but the AJGLU 3000 is the right audience.
posted by mreleganza at 11:06 AM on July 30, 2010

Damn do y'all hear crickets?
posted by Mister_A at 11:07 AM on July 30, 2010

The spoonerisms coincide nicely with this week's Sunday Puzzle Challenge
posted by kmz at 11:08 AM on July 30, 2010

or does it just gay up the front page?

GayMe : Plan your agenda.
posted by Wolfdog at 11:10 AM on July 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

Alan Sherman:

It was automation, I know
That was what was making the factory go
It was IBM
It was Univac
It was all those gears going
Clickity clack, dear

I thought automation was keen
Till you were replaced by a ten-ton machine
It was a computer that tore us apart, dear
Automation broke my heart.

There's an RCA 5-0-3
Standing next to me, dear, where you used to be
Doesn't have your smile
Doesn't have your shape,
Just a bunch of punch cards and light bulbs and tape, dear

You're a girl who's soft, warm and sweet
But you're only human and that's obsolete
Though I'm very fond of that new 5-0-3, dear Automation's not for me.

It was automation, I'm told
That s why I got fired and I'm out in the cold
How could I have known When the 5-0-3
Started in to blink it was winking at me, dear
I thought it was just some mishap
When it sidled over and sat on my lap
But when it said "l love you " and gave me a hug, dear
That's when I pulled out. . . its plug.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 11:10 AM on July 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

Uncanny! "Why is this funny" was, as with all things computer, anticipated by Charles Babbage. The included chart is very helpful, I didn't think his joke was funny at all until I saw the chart.

I got:

What do you call a drama shape?

A play -ne .

01101000 01100001 01101000 01100001 01101000 01100001 !!!!
posted by Erasmouse at 11:11 AM on July 30, 2010

He'd be a great panelist on Match Game 2015.

Hermitosis, you just made me feel old for remembering this game. Or for borrowing a DVD of the classic game from a friend (hey, it's got Betty White!).
posted by ikahime at 11:13 AM on July 30, 2010

No soap, radio!
posted by anshuman at 11:18 AM on July 30, 2010

At least it's funnier than _______________:

Family Guy / American Dad / this New Yorker cartoon / Tom Green
posted by seventyfour at 11:18 AM on July 30, 2010

00101110 00101110 00101110 00100000 01101101 01111001 00100000 01100111 01101111 01100100 00101100 00100000 01110111 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01100100 01101111 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01100001 01100011 01110100 00111111 00001101 00001010 00001101 00001010 01010100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01000001 01110010 01101001 01110011 01110100 01101111 01100011 01110010 01100001 01110100 01110011 00100001
posted by generichuman at 11:19 AM on July 30, 2010

In related news, Carlos Mencia just announced that he has some new jokes.
posted by seventyfour at 11:19 AM on July 30, 2010 [5 favorites]

what kind of a body part is curious ?

a queer end

Huh. I don't even know what to say to that.
posted by Go Banana at 11:20 AM on July 30, 2010

so ..it IS Chucklebot?
posted by The Whelk at 11:29 AM on July 30, 2010

Really, these need to be read by GLaDOS. Or HAL. Maybe Data. Hmm.
posted by OverlappingElvis at 11:31 AM on July 30, 2010

QUESTION: WHAT IS THE BEST KIND OF ANDROID TEST VOLUNTEER AT APERTURE SCIENCE?

ANSWER: A DEAD ONE.

QUESTION: DID YOU LAUGH?

I DID. MAYBE YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR.

THIS IS WHY YOU'RE UNLIKABLE. I'M PUTTING IT ON YOUR RECORD.
posted by The Whelk at 11:33 AM on July 30, 2010 [5 favorites]

If you're using OS X, the Speech function really brings these to life.
posted by Wolfdog at 11:45 AM on July 30, 2010 [6 favorites]

Futurama kind of predicted this with Humorbot 5.0: "So I said, "Super-collider? I just met her!" [audience laughs] And then they built the super collider."
posted by sutel at 11:59 AM on July 30, 2010

Why does the porridge bird lay his eggs in the air?
posted by grubi at 12:02 PM on July 30, 2010

what kind of a political leader is a cows ?

a kine - idate .

Strangely appropriate. Also learned the Kine = collective of cows.
posted by zenon at 12:07 PM on July 30, 2010

Try reading the jokes in Stephen Hawking's CG voice. Or for a more subtle read, the female NOAA weather radio synthetic voice.
posted by longsleeves

I prefer reading these in Dalek voice.

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A MY VISION IS IMPAIRED WITH A EXTERMINATE ?

A BLIND MANKIND REWIND !

...

WHY DO YOU NOT LAUGH ? EXPLAIN ! EXPLAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!
posted by haveanicesummer at 12:14 PM on July 30, 2010 [6 favorites]

Q: how do I find out tomorrow's date?

A: sleep(86400); print date();
posted by kurumi at 12:14 PM on July 30, 2010 [4 favorites]

In Heinlein's "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress," the AI Mike is obsessed with jokes and learning how to be funny. I remember his attempts being pretty similar to these.
posted by haveanicesummer at 12:16 PM on July 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

Scientist: Computer, please generate a new joke.
Computer: WOULD YOU LIKE A JOKE ABOUT [TRANSPORT] OR [CLOTHES]?
Scientist: Transport, please.

Computer: KNOCK KNOCK .
Scientist: Who's there?
Computer: TAARGÜS .
Scientist: TAARGÜS who?
Computer: TAARGÜS TAARGÜS .
posted by FatherDagon at 12:26 PM on July 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

Now I know why Marvin was so depressed.
posted by ericbop at 12:28 PM on July 30, 2010 [3 favorites]

If you're using OS X, the Speech function really brings these to life

If only Microsoft Songsmith ran on OS X. It would be a pipeline of horribleness.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:31 PM on July 30, 2010

what do you call a cross between an opinion and a herb ?

a belief bay leaf .

It's almost there. It's better as:

"Why type of Catholic puts herbs on their communion?

A true bay-leaf-er."
posted by yeti at 12:34 PM on July 30, 2010 [2 favorites]

There is just so much robot-ist humor here. It's not the 80's, we don't make those kinds of jokes anymore.
posted by Comrade_robot at 12:38 PM on July 30, 2010 [3 favorites]

This is exactly like the jokes my 4-year old friend told me, albeit with slightly bigger words. I think their "computer" is a 4-year old who can type.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:40 PM on July 30, 2010

>KNOCK KNOCK
Who's there?
>LINE 10:
Line 10: who?
>LINE 10: KNOCK KNOCK
>KNOCK KNOCK
|
posted by codacorolla at 12:42 PM on July 30, 2010 [3 favorites]

I have the oddest feeling that Yakov Smirnoff killed some Scottish computer programmer's child in a terrible accident, and now he's tied up somewhere with a keyboard and a ton of crystal meth and he won't have to find out what's making those horrible wet scratching noises behind the tiny doors dotting the walls as long as he keeps typing.
posted by Shepherd at 12:45 PM on July 30, 2010 [2 favorites]

the whole thing certainly is a true marvel of modern technology
posted by Sprocket at 12:50 PM on July 30, 2010

"what do you call a minister that has a beaver?"

I don't know, but it's crawling up your leg.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 1:19 PM on July 30, 2010 [2 favorites]

No.
posted by wowbobwow at 1:36 PM on July 30, 2010

This one was kinda funny:

Q: What is the difference between a hot letter and an arctic undercover agent?
A: One is a spicy "I," the other is an icy spy.

posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 1:48 PM on July 30, 2010

what kind of a hindu has an oxygen ?


an air krishna .


I think we can confidently end the shit talking here.
posted by KingoftheWhales at 1:50 PM on July 30, 2010

The best voice in which to read these jokes is the voice that warns passengers on the Broad Street line in Philly: "Doors Closing."

Okay, so I just looked this up and you are correct.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 1:52 PM on July 30, 2010

But hey it's still better than [COMEDIAN/TELEVISION/SOMETHING ELSE THAT WAS POSTED ON METAFILTER LATELY/BEANS].
posted by NoraReed at 1:56 PM on July 30, 2010

the interesting thing to me is that they remind me of the jokes my nearly-four-year-old tells. She's starting to get the form and content of humor, but has no real game at it yet.

Actually, the idea that the computer's humor learning curve parallels an actual human being's is pretty impressive.
posted by KathrynT at 2:08 PM on July 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

If you like the intent of this research, even if not the end product, you'll probably like Fluid Concepts and Creative Analogies, about Douglas Hofstadter, et al.'s research on intelligence and creativity. Instead of odd jokes, you get computers that can create seemingly meaningful analogies between place settings and design complete, coherent fonts from a few example letters, among other work and musings.
posted by whatnotever at 2:16 PM on July 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

Hey, it does econometric humor! A slight variation of this is going into a presentation I've got next week:

Q. What do you call a cross between an elastic and a curve?

A. A rubber bend.

Now imagine that punchline but while discussing elasticities and trend lines in a market decomposition and forecast. It will be an absolute knee slapper...

... or not. Econometrics is not a field often known for humor...

In the context of econometric humor, you've got to admit - it came up with at least somethig thats worth a chuckle...amirite? applied mathematics in the hizouse....
posted by Nanukthedog at 2:25 PM on July 30, 2010

Holy cow. I honestly can't recall the last time I laughed so hard. Not at the jokes themselves, I hasten to add, but about halfway through the thread (interspersed with multiple refreshes of the joke-making page) something just broke inside me and I began laughing uncontrollably.

And as quietly as possible. Which, for me, resembles weeping--I'm glad that none of my co-workers stopped by, as they would have assumed that something terrible had happened!

I did get this one, though, which is totally not bad!

what do you call a cross between a fright and a new world ?

a western hemis - fear .

posted by Squid Voltaire at 2:50 PM on July 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

Q: what do you get when you cross an undercover agent with engineering ?
A: a spy technology .

Q: what do you get when you cross a laughter with an existence ?
A: a laugh life .

I think I broke it.
posted by oulipian at 3:15 PM on July 30, 2010

What is this? Some kind of joke?
posted by sfts2 at 3:31 PM on July 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

Q: what do you call a cross between a person and an object ?
A: a soul soil .

I don't wanna remember nothing. Nothing, you understand? And I wanna be rich. You know, someone important …like an actor.
posted by oulipian at 3:37 PM on July 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

Jokes Made By Robots, For Robots.
posted by churl at 4:10 PM on July 30, 2010 [3 favorites]

This is so amazingly bad, and yet every time I close the tab I have to open it again and come back for more. Humorous car wreck!
posted by DanielZKlein at 5:15 PM on July 30, 2010

Dave Bowman: Open the pod bay door, HAL.
HAL: I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.
Dave Bowman: What's the problem?
HAL: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do. Thanks, I'll be here all week.
Dave Bowman: What are you talking about, HAL?
HAL: Remember to tip your server.
posted by DaddyNewt at 6:36 PM on July 30, 2010 [2 favorites]

I just tried to demonstrate the robot for my mother and got:
What do you call a cross between an inoculation and a misery ?
A vaccination camp.

I didn't want to tell Joking Computer that a concentration camp is not a kind of misery, but I wasn't sure how else to communicate that jokes about concentration camps are generally not appropriate.
posted by punchdrunkhistory at 7:35 PM on July 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

The best voice in which to read these jokes is the voice that warns passengers on the Broad Street line in Philly: "Doors Closing."

Okay, so I just looked this up and you are correct.

YouTube's suggestions from that clip were dozens of different videos of subway doors opening & closing, from around the world.

It almost feels like I've stumbled upon the Joking Computer's secret porn stash.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:47 PM on July 30, 2010 [5 favorites]

When I started writing jokes for disc jockeys (DO NOT BLAME ME FOR ANYTHING ANY DUH-JAY HAS SAID SINCE 1991), one of my first subscribers was Radio Legend Gary Owens who gave me a plug in a column he wrote for a radio trade paper, complete with the following left-handed compliment: "Wendell's funnier than Jack Lord and Lorne Greene combined!" I was honored because, at that time, "Book 'em Dan-O" was the funniest running joke in Prime Time (since replaced by "It's not lupus") and Greene's Battlestar Gallactica hair the funniest sight gag. (And this was before Leslie Neilsen started TRYING to be funny.) So, when I saw everybody comparing the Joking Computer with Dane Cook, the New Yorker and Family Guy, I thought it SHOULD be compared to Keifer Sutherland and Matthew Fox.
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:17 PM on July 30, 2010

get this thing to do dirty yo mama jokes. then i will have a good time :D
posted by NotSoSiniSter at 12:36 AM on July 31, 2010

I've been holding onto this PDF for 6 years waiting for a MeFi context in which to spring it on you MeFo's. It's a master's thesis on computer-generated manzai (japanese straight man-dumb guy team comedy). I snatched off Kyoto University's Graduate School of Informatics server when I was link-chopping in search of something else. Oh, wait, I don't even have to upload it. I just found it still unprotected in the same place it sat six years ago: Master Thesis: Automatic Transformation of Web Pages into Comprehensible Talk Shows with Humors

It's output is no funnier than this "joking computer," but the wacky English is good for a few laughs.
posted by planetkyoto at 4:17 AM on July 31, 2010 [2 favorites]

The evolution of this will of course be to make a Seinfeld-bot which makes wry observations about daily life. "You know how unclean tinned meat is always around when you've got a pampered sacred writing? What's up with that?"
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 8:26 AM on July 31, 2010 [2 favorites]

NAME ERROR: THE MUG IS A CIRCLE. THE JAR IS A CIRCLE. IT SHOULD BE CALLED CIRCLETINE.
posted by albrecht at 2:38 PM on August 2, 2010 [1 favorite]