You Have Died of Dysentery

August 3, 2010 2:22 AM

"I'll take four oxen and all the bullets $1600 will get me": The Oregon Trail Official Trailer. [SLYT]
posted by Jacqueline (40 comments total)

This trail is filled with thieves, Injuns, and horrors I dare not say! You will die on this trail.

Always while fording, always.

Based on the hit educational video game

I just squirted corn pone out of my nose.
posted by IvoShandor at 2:42 AM on August 3, 2010

Alas, poor Poop Face! I knew him well
posted by danny the boy at 2:50 AM on August 3, 2010 [7 favorites]

Also, the Achewood story arc about the Oregon Trail was when I knew that comic was for me.

He wrote!
posted by danny the boy at 2:52 AM on August 3, 2010 [6 favorites]

You could carry at least 100 pounds of meat back to your wagon, not 10! Jeez.
posted by breath at 3:00 AM on August 3, 2010

I remember filling in hated teacher's names for this game. "Mrs. Poop Face has died of dysentery, muahahahahaha!"
posted by Wuggie Norple at 3:28 AM on August 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

This made my day.
posted by imjustsaying at 4:50 AM on August 3, 2010

The people in the video look remarkably similar to the people who did Minesweeper: The Movie, but I can't find any names to compare.
posted by Avelwood at 5:09 AM on August 3, 2010

You could carry at least 100 pounds of meat back to your wagon, not 10! Jeez.

It never made sense to me that this was a hard limit - if I have more kids, shouldn't we be able to carry back more meat? Buffalo hunting was starkly illustrative, though - buffalo weighed 990 lbs or more, and only 100 lbs of that could be saved.
posted by muddgirl at 5:15 AM on August 3, 2010

I would totally watch the hell out of this movie.
posted by sciurus at 5:37 AM on August 3, 2010

I really wish I'd played (or even heard of) this game back in the day. Instead, I have to experience vicarious nostalgia.
posted by DU at 5:37 AM on August 3, 2010 [5 favorites]

I liked the buying-bullets-alone thing in the trailer, as I did the same; nothing made me feel like quite so much of a badass as the knowledge that all I needed was The Hunt. Axles? Wagon tongues? Nah, I can trade for those, with all the meat I'm about to get. Now give me some space around this ol' 2GS, kids, I'm about to show you what happens when you put a blocky row of pixels in my bloodthirsty hands.
posted by Greg Nog at 5:45 AM on August 3, 2010 [2 favorites]

It just needed the wagon master driving at a grueling pace.
posted by drezdn at 5:55 AM on August 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

I was the kid who bought wagon tongues and extra sets of clothes (so wandering robbers would have something to take from me, duh) and whatever the hell else the general store guy told me to buy. Because, y'know, nothing helps Kelly recover from a snakebite and a broken leg quite like an extra wagon axle.

Whenever I was given the option, I would pay the Indian guide/ferry to take me across the river.

It's no wonder I turned into such a boring adult.
posted by giraffe at 5:55 AM on August 3, 2010 [6 favorites]

I want to see a movie adaptation of the other MECC great game, Odell Lake. Get some sort of way-over-the-top CGI effects and that "In a world..." guy, and you've got it.

"In a world, where all life is bound by the great food chain... Where one must choose between Eating, Being Eaten, or Fleeing... You are... A Dolly Varden..."

Starring Matthew Broderick as Chub
Helen Mirren as Otter
Vin Diesel as Rainbow Trout
Nicholas Cage as Osprey
Seth Rogen as Plankton
posted by chambers at 5:58 AM on August 3, 2010 [16 favorites]

This is fantastic. The bullet-buying scene especially.

For the longest time, I had only played the C64 version of Oregon Trail. I was talking about it with my fiancee--who is only a very few years younger--and she was mentioning all kinds of stuff I had never heard of. A hunter who could aim his gun, some kind of river-fording mini-game... just mind-blowing stuff. It was seriously like hearing that people had been hoverboarding for 20 years and I had never heard about it.
posted by uncleozzy at 6:00 AM on August 3, 2010 [2 favorites]

The first version I played was text-only on an Apple ][e. It was also responsible for the first game cheat I learned. When you hunted you had to type whatever word appeared on the screen, I figured out that if you just mashed the same number of letters quickly and hit return, you'd kill something.
posted by sciurus at 6:03 AM on August 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

ytmnd's take on the ballistic aspects of the game
posted by 7segment at 6:08 AM on August 3, 2010 [3 favorites]

Is Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros' "Home" the new Salisbury Hill?

It makes any trailer feel great.
posted by Tavern at 6:17 AM on August 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

The Oregon Trail taught me what gangrene was all about.
posted by Beardman at 6:31 AM on August 3, 2010

Solsbury!
posted by Tavern at 6:35 AM on August 3, 2010

Modern-day version of the Oregon Trail for those not wanting to die of dysentery, sponsored by Thule. Note: sound.
posted by mdonley at 6:38 AM on August 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

I always figured that if I wasn't smart enough to teach my kids how to avoid snakebite, I deserved to die of diarrhea.
posted by shakespeherian at 7:46 AM on August 3, 2010

Banker's not gonna help me ford this river!
posted by mrgrimm at 8:19 AM on August 3, 2010

Instead, I have to experience vicarious nostalgia.

Aww, poor thing. It's not as if Gen-X'ers had to hear about how amazing the 60s were over and over and over again.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 8:30 AM on August 3, 2010 [7 favorites]

No Son of Mine Plays Oregon Trail Like That
(Short Imagined Monologue, McSweeney's)
posted by jjjjjjjijjjjjjj at 8:39 AM on August 3, 2010 [8 favorites]

"Home" is the new "O Fortuna." It will be in every fake trailer whether it needs it or not, and you will soon grow to hate it.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:43 AM on August 3, 2010 [2 favorites]

He wrote!

I was coasting on a buzz of amusement coming off the OP's video, then you have to go and post something from Achewood to kill it.

Thanks, jerk.
posted by Evilspork at 9:27 AM on August 3, 2010

Sloane Crosley has a great esssay about Oregon trail in her Authors@google talk. In which she compares it to masturbation. ENJOY.
posted by edbles at 9:33 AM on August 3, 2010

Actually naming my party after my friends kind of set the stage for later in life when I built detailed SIM replica's of my friends and their apartments.

Pro-Tip: Don't tell your friends you do this, because A) they will get super offended at whatever aspiration you pick and B) if they don't play the game you look psychotic.

_{I think there's something wrong with me.}
posted by edbles at 9:47 AM on August 3, 2010 [3 favorites]

How many people will die of dysentery in this movie? I didn't even know what dysentery was when I played this game once a week in "computer" class. I'm almost certain that the only thing we ever did in computer class was play Oregon Trail. Ever.
posted by thankyouforyourconsideration at 9:48 AM on August 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

Here's the best example I know of Oregon Trail fanfiction. No, seriously, it's great.
posted by asperity at 10:33 AM on August 3, 2010 [2 favorites]

Do kids still have computer class now or is it just naturally folded into the curriculum?
posted by edbles at 10:43 AM on August 3, 2010

edbles:

Yes, both separate classes and naturally folded. My particular favorite is the "Collaboratory". And my daughter and her friends still refer wistfully to their *hours* of Oregon Trail back in the day.
posted by emhutchinson at 11:27 AM on August 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

A lot of my self-doubt and insecurity comes from the fact that, while really smart and good at some things, I was one of the only kids in 7th grade who never won at Oregon Trail. We played it, like, a lot. Mr. Leos, the 7th grade history teacher, was going through a divorce (he was married to the 7th grade English teacher, and it turns out he had someone on the side) so he stepped out of class a lot. When he left the room, we had to play Oregon Trail.

I died a lot. I sucked at it. I tried to hide the fact from the other kids -- especially the girls, because 7th grade girls are meaner than those archetypal angry Indians that the game perpetuated -- but they knew. They knew.

I actually played Oregon Trail again a few months ago during a slow stretch at work. (Here.) I'm a little ashamed to admit that I died again. Twice.

But I will also share with you that on my third try, at the age of 37, dear reader, I finally made it to Oregon.
posted by mudpuppie at 11:28 AM on August 3, 2010 [5 favorites]

Now I need to wrassle me up some Kings Quest I.

Sincerely,

Ifnkovhgroghprm
posted by klausman at 11:39 AM on August 3, 2010

Failing at Oregon Trail better not be an approved measure of intelligence, because I always forded. Always. It's sort of like the game was teaching you to commit to your decisions instead of half-assing them.
posted by edbles at 11:40 AM on August 3, 2010

I totally want my tombstone to read "HERE LIES POOP FACE." I'm putting that in my will. Right now.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 12:45 PM on August 3, 2010

Sloane Crosley has a great esssay about Oregon trail in her Authors@google talk. In which she compares it to masturbation. ENJOY.

Any chance you could link to that part of the video? It's a bit long.
posted by Cogito at 1:17 PM on August 3, 2010

IIRc it's the first essay she reads. 2:00 minutes in.
posted by edbles at 1:25 PM on August 3, 2010

@klausman: http://sarien.net/
posted by sacrifix at 2:54 PM on August 3, 2010