Hail to the Rev, Baby!

October 26, 2010 10:31 AM

Who best to officiate a zombie wedding? Only the newly ordained Bruce Campbell.

Zombcon, the "premiere zombie convention being held this Halloween in Seattle," is hosting a zombie wedding, and Bruce Campbell will be joining these two deadites in unholy matrimony. But there's more! He will also be performing a mass renewal ceremony, for those of us who didn't get married by Ash the first time around. Bonus: Ted Raimi as altar boy/Fake Shemp.

posted by cottoncandybeard (60 comments total)

Work shed.
posted by shakespeherian at 10:38 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

watched Princess and the Frog with my two grand-children and i'm ready for plenty of Voodoo and seeing Zombies Halloween evening, but then they both will go away. also a great theme for a Halloween Party
posted by tustinrick at 10:41 AM on October 26, 2010

Hang on... has he technically been in any zombie movies? We need a ruling on whether demon possessed corpses count.
posted by Artw at 10:44 AM on October 26, 2010

My daughter is waaaay into his Sam Axe character, and I want to show her the Evil Dead trilogy over winter break. But knowing her, I'll have to hide the chainsaw afterwords.
posted by Old'n'Busted at 10:47 AM on October 26, 2010

OFFICIANT: Do you, she-bitch, take Mister Fancypants here, with this ring of alloys and compositions and... molecular structures?
BRIDE: I'll swallow your soul.
OFFICIANT: And you, little fella?
GROOM: Yeah, basically.
OFFICIANT: All right, and here's a little hot chocolate for you.
posted by shakespeherian at 10:47 AM on October 26, 2010 [17 favorites]

Artw: I think the possessed love interest in the 3rd movie counts. "But you got real ugly".
posted by Old'n'Busted at 10:47 AM on October 26, 2010

Demon-possessed corpses are a sub-classification of zombies.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:47 AM on October 26, 2010

> We need a ruling on whether demon possessed corpses count.

> Demon-possessed corpses are a sub-classification of zombies.
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:47 PM on October 26 [+] [!]

I don't know either way. This is some kind of new koan that needs meditating on.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:50 AM on October 26, 2010

I ask any and all, embracing Zombie society, to welcome the first* undead clergy.

Zombies are our friends. Not a scapegoat for societies cognitive difficulties.

this branding MUST stop, next our Flint Zombie community will be accused of being Communist!

let us not prevent the spread of mistrust in the new clergy.


*subject to speculation
posted by clavdivs at 10:56 AM on October 26, 2010

We need a ruling on whether demon possessed corpses count.

Yep, that's exactly what we need: A rules lawyer. Is there any hypothetical fantasy scenario that isn't made awesomer by a rules lawyer? Let's hear it, rules lawyers! Is the mystical source of a corpse's animation relevant to said corpse's official categorization for the purposes of officiating at a religio-civic ceremony taking place at a convention for enthusiasts of said category? Inquiring minds want to know.
posted by Gator at 10:57 AM on October 26, 2010 [3 favorites]

Groovy.
posted by Catblack at 10:57 AM on October 26, 2010

oops
posted by clavdivs at 10:57 AM on October 26, 2010

Oh great Gator, you're just going to let any joker with a Sumerian demon or a rage virus in? What if they've just got, like, bugs inside making them go?
posted by Artw at 11:03 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]

Good lord, I wish I coulda been hitched by Bruce.

Also: can the zombie craze please move on?
posted by sadiehawkinstein at 11:08 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

Jeez.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:18 AM on October 26, 2010

Who best to officiate a zombie wedding?

Trick question. Marriage is the holy union of a living person and another living person.

As much as two zombies love each other, they'll never be able to make babies together. And if we let zombies marry, who's next? Ghosts? Hellboys? Those pale freaks from The Omega Man?
posted by PlusDistance at 11:19 AM on October 26, 2010 [7 favorites]

Are zombies even capable of love the way normal people are? I submit this to you, Senator.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:21 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

Oh great Gator, you're just going to let any joker with a Sumerian demon or a rage virus in? What if they've just got, like, bugs inside making them go?

Point of information.
posted by brundlefly at 11:21 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

As much as two zombies love each other, they'll never be able to make babies together. And if we let zombies marry, who's next? Ghosts? Hellboys? Those pale freaks from The Omega Man?

Don't you think ZGHPF Americans have been through enough?
posted by brundlefly at 11:22 AM on October 26, 2010

Oh fantastic, brundlefly, just let the zombie agenda infiltrate our schools and our government. Do you really want your children being taught that there's 'nothing wrong' with an insatiable desire for human flesh? That the ghost 'life'style is normal? Two hundred years of government of the living, by the living, and for the living hasn't done us wrong yet!
posted by shakespeherian at 11:32 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]

Those pale freaks from The Omega Man?

Mutants. They are called mutants. Though the correct pronunciation is Mu-Tant!
posted by Artw at 11:38 AM on October 26, 2010

(and they are not zombies. Though they have some vampire cousins who have a claim to being the parents of all zombies)
posted by Artw at 11:39 AM on October 26, 2010

Two hundred years of government of the living, by the living, and for the living hasn't done us wrong yet!

This ignores America's long history of leaders and public figures who were "in the coffin" because of the mores of their time. For instance, it was an open secret during his presidency that Teddie Roosevelt had "certain more cerebral tastes."

Also: J. Edgar Hoover was a banshee.
posted by brundlefly at 11:51 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]

Errr. Teddy, even.
posted by brundlefly at 11:52 AM on October 26, 2010

I bet Gator would even let Pod People in. Those guys didn't even start human!
posted by Artw at 11:52 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

Mummies are a subcategory of zombie - by their very definition, they are the unquiet dead.

Oh, I'm sorry, did I just blow your mind? You're welcome.
posted by Slap*Happy at 12:02 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

Mummies are a subcategory of zombie

Indeed. Are you aware of brundlefly's Law? "All mummies are zombies but not all zombies are mummies." I've blown a few minds with that. Usually drunk minds.
posted by brundlefly at 12:05 PM on October 26, 2010

Nobody has ever had a mummy apocalypse.
posted by Artw at 12:06 PM on October 26, 2010

As much as two zombies love each other, they'll never be able to make babies together.

Wanna bet?
posted by Gelatin at 12:07 PM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]

All mummies are zombies but not all zombies are mummies.

I disagree!

If that were the case, then all forms of the undead would be subcategories of "zombie", and any skeleton, vampire, ghoul, or ectoplasmic manifestation of a hellbound spirit can tell you that that is clearly not so. Lumping all the undead together under the rubric "zombie" blurs the important distinctions between them, leading to the kind of simplistic generalizations that result in the precisely the kind of heavy-handed stereotyping we enlightened folk try so hard to avoid. Does a mummy crave delicious brains? Does a skeleton shamble? Does a vampire dress in a burial shroud? No, I submit, they do NOT. And thus I refute your false equivalence. Good day, sir.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 12:59 PM on October 26, 2010 [4 favorites]

If demon-possessed corpses are zombies, Buffy would be Buffy the Zombie-Slayer. (Unless everything we think we know about Buffyverse vampires is wrong, which I've sometimes suspected they were hinting at, but, amidst the wild inconsistencies, who can say.)
posted by Zed at 1:14 PM on October 26, 2010

I actually find the whole Buffy theory of how Vampires work somewhat objectionable as well.
posted by Artw at 1:15 PM on October 26, 2010

Does a mummy crave delicious brains?

Not generally, but not all zombies do! In fact, there are hateful "purists" that would argue that "true zombies" don't eat brains! This is nonsense, of course. There are many shades of sickly green in the undead rainbow.
posted by brundlefly at 1:18 PM on October 26, 2010

Does a mummy crave delicious brains?

Any scientist worth his blood-spattered lab coat would know that the brain-eating zombie is merely a single species of the genus: zombius obannus. This is not to be confused with the more prevalent zombius romero.
posted by shakespeherian at 1:22 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

I actually find the whole Buffy theory of how Vampires work somewhat objectionable as well.

It was never really explained to my satisfaction. The human dies, their soul flies away to the ether, and some previously-nonexistent demon (with its own distinct personality) manifests itself in the human's body while somehow maintaining all the human's memories. Buh? But since Buffy took on all comers in the killing baddies game, she might just as well have been called Buffy the Zombie Slayer. Girlfriend didn't discriminate.
posted by Gator at 1:27 PM on October 26, 2010

Oh, shall we get out our Monster Manuals then?
posted by Artw at 1:27 PM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]

I think this is clearly an issue for Peter Hacker to consider. The vampire demon/soul/memories conundrum. The Harder Problem.
posted by kmz at 1:35 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

Can I just state, as the OP, that I never intended for my little FPP about Bruce Campbell, minister to the zombie fans, would result in a heated debate about the classifications of various undead creatures, and I hope that my post has not offended anyone by implying that Ash or any creatures Mr. Campbell or the characters he has portrayed were specifically or in some shape or form defined as zombies.
That said, please keep the conversation up, I'm loving it!
(Also, I'd much rather be married by Bruce Campbell than, say, Jesse Eisenberg or Woody Harrelson, zombie theme or no.)
posted by cottoncandybeard at 1:48 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

BWAHAHAHAHAHA. I just realized that you're the poor guy who made that awesome and delightful post about the Muppet Movie original script, which almost nobody actually read because we were all too busy talking about MUPPETS YAY AMIRITE?

You're doing a great job around here, and I mean that with all sincerity. Keep it up, yo.
posted by Gator at 1:54 PM on October 26, 2010 [3 favorites]

some previously-nonexistent demon (with its own distinct personality)

MASSIVE BUFFY SPOILERS BELOW... if you're worried about spoilers for something that's been off the air as long as it was ever on it.

I don't think they actually had a distinct personality. I think a Buffyverse vampire is essentially the same person, but suddenly a pure sociopath with no conscience or remorse. And with superpowers and an addiction to blood, instead. This interpretation is hinted at most directly when Willow is freaked out by how evil the alternate universe vampire Willow is, and Buffy reassures her that a vampire has nothing to do with the original personality. Angel says "Well, actually..." and Buffy cuts him off. Then, later, when our Willow gets in touch with her evil side, the resemblance to alternate universe vampire Willow was distinct and clearly deliberate.

But we also so our heroes trick a demon into taking refuge in Angel's body, where his resident demon killed it. So there does seem to be a real demon involved. But I think it's the force that animates the body, and the original personality is the template for the resultant entity.
posted by Zed at 1:56 PM on October 26, 2010

There's actually another zombie-ish thread going on at the moment as well.
posted by Artw at 2:03 PM on October 26, 2010

With this ring I thee dead
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:17 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

I am going into fanboy mode here:

Slayers sound like they have a noble calling, right? No. Vampires are vermin. The Slayer is the mystical equivalent of the town rat-catcher. Sure, larger things sometimes wander in, but most of the time, it's vampires. They breed rapidly, they're everywhere — they're the rats. It's Buffy the Ratcatcher. You just don't see many zombies, just like the town ratcatcher does not deal with raccoons or rabid dogs all that often.

As to the process of conversion from human to vampire, remember that one of the last true demons to leave this dimension mixed its blood with that of a human before it left, creating the half-breeds that would eventually get watered down into today's vampires. As the new blood enters the human, the human body is corrupted and a demon is born.

Upon entry, yes, the demon does take the host memories for its own and uses the host personality as a template, but with a twist: the host's best personality features are corrupted, either through exaggeration or reversal.

The treatment of the soul varies, but if you imagine it as the small, still voice, one that would temper that new personality, its absence leaves you with someone like the original, but with a twist and, of course, a lust for human blood, with no conscience to restrain these exciting new urges.
posted by adipocere at 2:43 PM on October 26, 2010

Yep, that's exactly what we need: A rules lawyer. Is there any hypothetical fantasy scenario that isn't made awesomer by a rules lawyer?

Gator, I'm revoking your nerd licence.
posted by twirlip at 2:53 PM on October 26, 2010

Since we are UNfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the register at this point and quote a classic Simpsons episode to reinstate my nerd cred.
posted by Gator at 2:56 PM on October 26, 2010

Since we are UNfamiliar with sarcasm

I am aware of all internet traditions.
posted by twirlip at 3:16 PM on October 26, 2010

Wizards did it.
posted by kmz at 3:39 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

Oh fuck, the right quote is "a wizard did it".

*burns own nerd license*
posted by kmz at 3:39 PM on October 26, 2010

And the lesson I have learned from these experiences is: Do not begin an FPP with a question, unless you want that specific question answered.
posted by cottoncandybeard at 3:41 PM on October 26, 2010

Oh hey. It's actually a friend of mine who set this in motion by trying to get Mr. Cambell to officiate his wedding during ZomBcon. Because they couldn't afford to hire him directly they've compromised with this public thing.

I personally know there's going to be some a-game prop activity, so it should be really cool.

I guess since I didn't post this, I can pimp the fact that the afterparty is at the Funhouse across the street where my little rock combo will be performing.

Mrs. lupenprole and I will be renewing our vows, and it bears mentioning that at our original wedding we were pronounced 'an unstoppable force against evil' and marched out to the Buffy theme.
posted by lumpenprole at 4:14 PM on October 26, 2010 [3 favorites]

Also zombies only have 2 hit dice and can be turned by a first-level cleric, while mummies are level 8 and can't be turned by Paladins at all.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW, RON? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?!?
posted by bonehead at 5:04 PM on October 26, 2010

Put the dice away before I TAKE them away.
posted by Gator at 5:06 PM on October 26, 2010

I suppose a Lich is just a zombie too...
posted by Artw at 5:08 PM on October 26, 2010

Woah, sorry. Nerdback there. Carry on.
posted by bonehead at 5:27 PM on October 26, 2010

I was playing along with a Futurama quote, bonehead, no harm done.
posted by Gator at 5:41 PM on October 26, 2010

No Worries. The sad thing is, I knew that from memory before checking, and I haven't played AD&D for more than 20 years.
posted by bonehead at 5:49 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

Oh my fucking god
It's too late, but this would have been a dream come true beyond words!

GIMME SOME SUGAR BRAINS, BABY!
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 6:58 PM on October 26, 2010

I paused in looking up flights to Seattle to look at details of the renewal thing. "Don't come to this expecting to meet Bruce." Aw.
posted by galadriel at 8:27 PM on October 26, 2010

Maybe Stan Lee will cameo.
posted by Artw at 8:50 PM on October 26, 2010

Slayers sound like they have a noble calling, right? No. Vampires are vermin. The Slayer is the mystical equivalent of the town rat-catcher. Sure, larger things sometimes wander in, but most of the time, it's vampires. They breed rapidly, they're everywhere — they're the rats. It's Buffy the Ratcatcher. You just don't see many zombies, just like the town ratcatcher does not deal with raccoons or rabid dogs all that often.

I get that you're talking about relative frequency of the different types of baddies, but the Ratcatcher aspect is something I really liked about Wiedźmin (aka: The Witcher).
Sometimes needed; rarely respected. It's a satisfying dynamic.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 1:43 PM on October 27, 2010