Boggled Brainpan Bypassed By Body Electric
• Friday, September 24 2:15 a.m. A donut shop’s serene surreality was ruptured by an out-of-control drunken hooligan. Pickled beyond reason, police bypassed his brainstem by hotwiring his nervous system. The electrical override enabled arrest and hospitalization.
• Tuesday, September 14 4:02 p.m. A reckless wheelchair driver careened in and out of traffic at Buttermilk Lane and Bayside Road. He was advised to stay out of the roadway.
10:06 p.m. A ball player claimed he’d been assaulted by an umpire at the Community Center.
• Thursday, September 16 10:50 a.m. A patron at a downtown venue claimed he’d been “singled out” among many similarly misbehaving attendees, and brutalized with resulting neck damage. Police determined moral equivalency – that it was mutual combat ’twixt this distinguished denizen and the bouncer, and at that point the victim declined further action.
2:31 p.m. A “possible woman” was reported behaving crazily in Valley West. First she ran in circles around a pole, then played with a piece of string as though teasing a cat, just without a key ingredient – the cat. She then plopped down in the grass near a motel where she wasn’t a guest and didn’t have grass-sitting privileges. When emergency forces arrived, the woman was running laps in front of the motel. She was taken to a mental health facility.
Blaine police were alerted to the screams of children. They raced to the scene and found a kindergarten classroom in pandemonium. “Officers were not able to contact the parents of the intruder, and took him in to custody. Or,” police cautioned, “it could have been a her.” Police weren’t sure until Animal Control arrived and collected the kitten. “It had survived,” relieved officers reported, “being smothered in little kids’ kisses and tickles, and was sent off to find a new home.”
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