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Nerdsex Stocking Stuffers
December 12, 2010 8:01 AM   Subscribe

Don't know what to buy your sexy nerd for Christmas? Maybe he/she would enjoy a customizable Cthulhu sex-toy. Or a "fully interactive" Na'vi experience. Or a steampunk death-ray. Or a ride on a silicone Gryphon. (All links NSFW)
posted by hermitosis (70 comments total) 17 users marked this as a favorite

 
That was unexpected.
posted by oddman at 8:15 AM on December 12, 2010


Oh God, shades of Neonomicon.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 8:17 AM on December 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


what a buncha dicks.
posted by jonmc at 8:20 AM on December 12, 2010 [5 favorites]


Real nerds use steam powered vibrators.
posted by LogicalDash at 8:21 AM on December 12, 2010


When they're getting it on in Avatar, how come they don't link up their ponytails?
posted by Joe Beese at 8:21 AM on December 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


Leave it to nerds to make sex stupid.
posted by Legomancer at 8:28 AM on December 12, 2010 [16 favorites]


$160? Holy cow... has the inflationary spiral started already?
posted by crapmatic at 8:30 AM on December 12, 2010


Fine, now we all know what to get you for Christmas herm.
posted by The Whelk at 8:34 AM on December 12, 2010


If they wanted to get really Victorian, they'd replicate one of these and hire a physician to administer it as a cure for hysteria.
posted by condour75 at 8:35 AM on December 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


Look, this sort of lowbrow pandering to a subculture I'm part of is sooo fucking tiring. science fiction and fantasy are goddamn literary genres, that have spawned some of the finest works from some of the sharpest minds that have ever graced this miserable ball of mud. To have all of that, those bright glimmers of the best humanity, of all of us, reduced to cartoonish depictions of huge throbbing cocks, quivering with electric warmth, or wet welcoming vaginas available at all hours of the day, well, it's just sad and disgusting and affront to all I hold dear! Two please.
posted by nomadicink at 8:36 AM on December 12, 2010 [21 favorites]


Cockrings from Innsmouth.
posted by Artw at 8:38 AM on December 12, 2010 [6 favorites]


Indeed nomadicink, we need more literary sex toys.
posted by The Whelk at 8:39 AM on December 12, 2010


Pretty sure the Necrococks and Steamsticks are made by people who strongly identify with our subculture. The Avatar things: I don't want to think about that.
posted by _Lasar at 8:40 AM on December 12, 2010


MetaFilter to Steampunk: "Hey you! Stop having fun. No! Stop it! Stop it! The Victorian era wasn't really like that! Don't you know your entire genre is predicated on ignoring portions of history and other flights of fancy? Are you listening to me? Stop having fun dammit!"
posted by explosion at 8:43 AM on December 12, 2010 [11 favorites]


The Victorian era wasn't really like that!

The problem with Steampunk is that is connected with that specific era. I see now reason why its general look, which if fucking fantastic, can't be applied to another scifi scenarios.
posted by nomadicink at 8:47 AM on December 12, 2010


OK, I didn't think it was actually possible, but merely looking at that Cthulu dildo is like falling into a noneuclidian abyss of madness.
posted by PlusDistance at 8:48 AM on December 12, 2010 [7 favorites]


At the Mountains of Mad Sex
The Pussy From Out of Space
The Dickwich Horror
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:05 AM on December 12, 2010 [3 favorites]


What unnerves me is not that there are dragon dildos, but that there is enough demand for them to support a business.
posted by five fresh fish at 9:08 AM on December 12, 2010 [3 favorites]


Never go with a cultist to a second location.
posted by Artw at 9:10 AM on December 12, 2010 [5 favorites]


Ahhhhhhhhhhh "little death ray". That's not bad.
posted by kenko at 9:14 AM on December 12, 2010


After the ad copy on the Twilight sex toys advising customers to put their dildos in the fridge for that authentic icy vampcock sensation, nothing else sex-toy-wise will ever truly unnerve me again. DO YOU HEAR ME INTERNETS. BRING IT ON. I AM READY.
posted by elizardbits at 9:17 AM on December 12, 2010 [8 favorites]


Pretty sure the Necrococks and Steamsticks are made by people who strongly identify with our subculture.

Apparently, they identify with it so strongly they'll paint on a pair of coloured eyes for a mere $50 more.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 9:19 AM on December 12, 2010


When they're getting it on in Avatar, how come they don't link up their ponytails?

I heard that they did in the extended cut. I would say that cameron deliberately withheld the scene as a sort of cock tease for nerds to buy the blue-ray, but I don't think cameron could ever come up with anything that prescient.
posted by Think_Long at 9:20 AM on December 12, 2010


When they're getting it on in Avatar, how come they don't link up their ponytails?

Sometimes sex is a melding of two individuals deeply in love. Other times you just want to get off, you know?
posted by me & my monkey at 9:32 AM on December 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


Sometimes sex is a melding of two individuals deeply in love.

No reason to limit numbers or sentient species, that's my motto.
posted by nomadicink at 9:34 AM on December 12, 2010


Wow, this took me forever to figure out why the steampunk deathray looked so much like a dildo. Guess I should have read the part about all links being NSFW. Two things though. The Avatar Fleshlight is hilarious! Also, Lady Clankington is a babe.
posted by dargerpartridge at 9:52 AM on December 12, 2010


unless it causes scalding and burns, your dong ain't steampunk.
posted by boo_radley at 9:53 AM on December 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


Well, there's no way the Avatar porn parody can be worse, more pandering or more base than the real one.
posted by 2or3whiskeysodas at 10:08 AM on December 12, 2010 [6 favorites]


Nah, it coats, soothes and relieves.
posted by nomadicink at 10:09 AM on December 12, 2010


What unnerves me is not that there are dragon dildos, but that there is enough demand for them to support a business.
posted by five fresh fish at 9:08 AM on December 12


Previously.
posted by NMcCoy at 10:12 AM on December 12, 2010


What unnerves me is not that there are dragon dildos, but that there is enough demand for them to support a business.

Not just a business, there's a whole industry. Zeta Paws has been around for a long time. People I guess just like internal injuries.
posted by kafziel at 10:21 AM on December 12, 2010


Be sure to let us know when the technology behind this thing (SFW) filters down into the sex toy industry.
posted by ecurtz at 10:38 AM on December 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


Your link has internal injuries, kafziel.
posted by hermitosis at 10:54 AM on December 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


Whoops. Try this one.
posted by kafziel at 11:47 AM on December 12, 2010


Bad Dragon has a much wider selection of fantasy cocks than Zeta; fantasy dildos are a sideline to Zeta's main focus on dog and horse dicks.
posted by egypturnash at 11:48 AM on December 12, 2010


unless it causes scalding and burns, your dong ain't steampunk.

Hah! My dong is steampunk coz it burns!

...when I pee
posted by Sparx at 11:52 AM on December 12, 2010


What shocks me is not that these things exist, but the audacity of the prices which their purveyors are asking for them.

Seriously, $200 for a chunk of cast silicone?
posted by Scientist at 11:55 AM on December 12, 2010


Metafilter: Main focus on dog and horse dicks.
posted by The Whelk at 12:01 PM on December 12, 2010


Sex toys are almost always stupidly expensive, and any detail which makes them even slightly different than just a featureless cylinder ups the price significantly.
posted by hermitosis at 12:22 PM on December 12, 2010


Seriously, $200 for a chunk of cast silicone?

It'd be a lot less if it were just a chunk of cast silicone. It's the fact that the cost has to absorb the troubles of people linking to the website a lot more than they'll ever buy it, that people will order it and then contest the charge, and all sorts of other bullshit. That, and it's going to be a small run, so economies of scale don't really come into account.
posted by explosion at 12:22 PM on December 12, 2010


Also when ordering huge casts of were-dolphin gonads for masturbation purposes, people tend to be willing to pay a plenty extra for discretion and ace customer service.
posted by hermitosis at 12:34 PM on December 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


Metafilter: Quivering with electric warmth.
posted by Brackish at 12:36 PM on December 12, 2010


Can I say "Pepsi Blue" about this post without invoking visions of soda-bottle dildos (or even worse, Na'vis using soda-bottle dildos?)

LittleDeathRay.com is a genius url, but why did I have to encounter this the day after finally catching up to seeing "Despicable Me" with its Shrink Rays and Freeze Rays and Squid Gun? (And WHERE is the porn parody of Despicable Me? 18-year-old orphans and dozens of yellow minions?)

Yes, my mind is warped, kinked and ribbed for your displeasure.
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:04 PM on December 12, 2010


Metafilter: slightly different than just a featureless cylinder.
posted by sebastienbailard at 1:28 PM on December 12, 2010


Great, now I'm going to spend the next hour reading user reviews of silicon horse cocks. Thanks internet. How can you not read them once you know they're there?
posted by MikeMc at 3:05 PM on December 12, 2010


Make that silicone, I would think a faux horse crank would be painful enough without it be made of silicon. Half my kingdom for an edit feature!
posted by MikeMc at 3:07 PM on December 12, 2010


MikeMc: You spent the other half of your kingdom on a silicone horse cock, eh?
posted by spaceman_spiff at 3:19 PM on December 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


Half a kingdom for one part of a horse? Not a good deal, Shakespearian-wise.
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:42 PM on December 12, 2010


MikeMc: You spent the other half of your kingdom on a silicone horse cock, eh?

Well, 'tis the season to receive.
posted by MikeMc at 3:55 PM on December 12, 2010


Wait, is the Lady Clankton mascot a real doll, or was the artist too photoshop happy?
posted by Phalene at 4:34 PM on December 12, 2010


Seriously, $200 for a chunk of cast silicone?

Big Macs are cheap because you can make burgers at home. But where is the average person going to get an erect dragon cock?

Don't answer that.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 5:17 PM on December 12, 2010


Don't answer that.


Awwww......
posted by The Whelk at 5:25 PM on December 12, 2010


Yeah it's the erect part that's the problem. Dragon cock? Sure, no problem we got dozens in the storage unit out back. Ooohh erect huh? Sorry, no can do.
posted by Babblesort at 8:09 PM on December 12, 2010


I mean, Dragons are a very patient people and you got to get candles and champagne and perfume and a hectare of goat . It just takes forever.
posted by The Whelk at 9:26 PM on December 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


I just googled "dragon cock" to see if this post showed up anywhere. And it doesn't. Not by about six hundred miles of dragon cock.
posted by hermitosis at 9:27 PM on December 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


How much Dragon cock must a man walk down, before you can call him a man?
posted by The Whelk at 9:31 PM on December 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


Is this the thread where we all say "Dragon cock"?
posted by five fresh fish at 9:39 PM on December 12, 2010


Dragon Cock.
posted by The Whelk at 9:40 PM on December 12, 2010


There's always room for more dragon cock.
posted by NMcCoy at 9:49 PM on December 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


Only if you relax a bit.
posted by The Whelk at 9:51 PM on December 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


If you keep stepping on your dick, you've got a draggin' cock.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:39 PM on December 12, 2010


So wait, people that shop at places like bad dragon actually want to have sex with orca's, dragon's, Dog's, horses, water horses, dolphins, etc?

This confuses me to no end. Then they want the above mentioned creature to cum in them? I'm no sex toy expert, but I didn't think that this was a feature that anyone really wants.

It was my understanding that women that are having sex with human men aren't that big on having to clean up after sex, and many of them want that in them for the sake of having something to take care of 9 months later and still would almost rather it just be neatly discard in a latex sheath.
posted by djduckie at 10:51 PM on December 12, 2010


Give me
Your dirty love
Like you might surrender
To some dragon in your dreams
posted by various at 1:53 AM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


Cool Papa Bell: "At the Mountains of Mad Sex
The Pussy From Out of Space
The Dickwich Horro
"

The Ho on the Doorstep.
posted by Splunge at 6:10 AM on December 13, 2010


djduckie: Your comment was painful to read for so many reasons. If I were at all masochistic I'd feel like I owed you.
posted by ODiV at 11:13 AM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


When typing my fingers and my brain have stopped communicating efficiently (if you mean the weird typos like the unnecessary apostrophes). If you mean the content, well I have heard I have that effect. Don't buy any of my books, you won't like them.

I'm being cheeky if it's not horribly obvious.
posted by djduckie at 6:12 AM on December 14, 2010


I was going to attempt to correct your impression of what women collectively want, but I figured that (being a man) I would let an actual woman do the honors.

I imagine though that 100% safe, fake male ejaculate that a woman has complete control over is vastly different than the typical real life experience.

Also you are maybe mistaken in thinking that it's just (or even mainly) women who want to see what it feels like to be "bred" by dragons.
posted by hermitosis at 7:11 AM on December 14, 2010


Next issue of Neonomicon is out tomorrow.

/shudder
posted by Artw at 11:29 AM on December 21, 2010


Actually, no Neonomicon today. I am somewhat relieved.
posted by Artw at 2:03 PM on December 22, 2010


This post is a few days old and nobody will probably ever see this but I thought I'd try to explain to djduckie some of the reasons one might want to put a fake dragon/gryphon/whale/dog/horse/etc cock up inside themselves.

To be honest the human penis is not designed with pleasuring the person it's stuffed into in mind; it's designed to get up in there and squirt some goop. Go into a sex shop and look at the toys; you'll see all kinds of shapes that are much more interestingly curved than an erect prick. They will also range from 'what a cute little thing' to 'holy fuck that's the size of my forearm'. The latter are mostly the domain of serious ass play.

So that's one of the reasons one might want to put a fake animal cock inside themselves: it's not shaped like your other toys; it feels different. It's been designed with an eye both to looking like the real thing, and to being an interesting thing to jam up your orifices. It might have something to tickle your clit.

And of course there are also fantasies. Fantasies of being pushed down and forced to take this, of having no choice about it so it's okay if you just kinda abandon yourself to the moment and enjoy being fucked and come really, really hard. You could also have dommy kinds of fantasies about your fake fantasy prick but I usually don't. These fantasies, it should be noted, do not need to ever become reality to be hot.

It's also just... sculptural. Kind of the sex-toy equivalant of a caryatid: sure, that could just be a plain pillar, but we had the time and wealth to have someone carve it into a woman. Similarly, you could get off and even fantasize just as well with a more abstract dildo, but as long as you're making the mold why not play with something representational?

As to the fake spooge? Well. There's a little part of one's brain that feels really really happy when it feels someone spurt inside you. If you've got a condom to capture it you'll never feel it, and then you have this slimy bag of goo to hassle with disposing of when the parties involved want to (a) fuck some more or (b) cuddle; having a jet of thick fake spooge on the other hand carries little risk of disease, and absolutely none of pregnancy... and pushes that "oh fuck yeah someone just came in me i have been impregnated" reward button in the base of your skull.

Also while we're looking at fun, dorky dildos, I thought I'd point to this here tentacle for all your Cthulhoid fantasies.
posted by egypturnash at 1:58 AM on December 28, 2010


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