Join 3,572 readers in helping fund MetaFilter (Hide)


If I had a million dollars...
December 21, 2010 1:20 PM   Subscribe

Craig Rowin asks: "Please Give Me One Million Dollars" (2, 3)
posted by The Devil Tesla (34 comments total) 6 users marked this as a favorite

 
I am perplexed by your use of the "comedy" tag.
posted by dersins at 1:25 PM on December 21, 2010 [1 favorite]


Caaaam nnngetcha Big Issue.

Big Issue, mate?

Big Issue. Big Issue.
posted by metaxa at 1:25 PM on December 21, 2010


I liked "Go into your parent's money room."
posted by The Whelk at 1:27 PM on December 21, 2010


I'm friends with a castmember from Coach and, while I don't think she's going broke, I'm pretty sure she doesn't have a million to give away. At least, that's what she tells me when I ask.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:32 PM on December 21, 2010 [1 favorite]


The joke was over at 30 seconds.

It is meta, though.
posted by mrgrimm at 1:37 PM on December 21, 2010


Money money money money money money money money. Money money, money money; money money money money? Money

1)money
2)money
3)money

Money money money money! Money money, money money... money money money money. Money money money money money money money money. Money (money money) money money money -money money. Money money money money money money money money.

Dr. Buck Dollar
Mellon/Gates/Buffet/Branson/Koch Chair of Anglo-American Thought
posted by larry_darrell at 1:38 PM on December 21, 2010


Please send me a million bucks. I can send my 8 grandchildren to college with it.
posted by pjern at 1:42 PM on December 21, 2010


Please send me a million bucks. I can send my 8 grandchildren to college with it.

I don't see how.
posted by shakespeherian at 1:44 PM on December 21, 2010 [6 favorites]


Please send me a million bucks. I can send my 8 grandchildren to college with it.

I don't see how.


Bus fare.
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:50 PM on December 21, 2010 [21 favorites]


Transcription of videos:
Pleasssssse, pleeeasssse give me a book deal, or put me on SNL!

(1/5 Previously)
posted by schmod at 1:56 PM on December 21, 2010


If this guy actually gets a million dollars for this, whether through a job or just donations, I will be royally pissed.
posted by adamms222 at 2:00 PM on December 21, 2010


Wow, a list! Lists are so funny.
posted by chairface at 2:05 PM on December 21, 2010


He's a well-spoken lad. And gutsy. Reminds me of myself at his age. Jedediah, wire that boy a million dollars. We'll see if he gags on the silver spoon.
posted by rusty at 2:05 PM on December 21, 2010


Can we bury him in a million dollars' worth of pennies? Because, well, THAT would be worth the effort.
posted by nevercalm at 2:06 PM on December 21, 2010 [1 favorite]


*sigh*

Is irony dead yet?
posted by nzero at 2:13 PM on December 21, 2010


I like it. He's trolling idiots on the internet who are likely to think he's being serious and playing off of the response that he's getting. I think it's pretty funny and the idea is pretty clever/meta in a "here's something a lot of us have thought about at one point but dismissed it because it's ridiculous" sort of way.

If you look at his bio, he's an aspiring comedian who performs at UCB and writes for a few pilots and online shows. He probably views this little project as a great way to get noticed and prove that he can generate an audience. In 2010, that's how you have to do it - sit around trying to get a spot emceeing amateur night at the local comedy club, or go online and fricken prove that you can create something. So best of luck to him - I don't think he'll get his million, but I do think he'll deservedly find more work as a result of this if this thing takes off.
posted by windbox at 2:25 PM on December 21, 2010 [4 favorites]


...Please?
posted by Deathalicious at 2:26 PM on December 21, 2010


Technically that's not a question.
posted by vverse23 at 2:28 PM on December 21, 2010


Is this one of those morality tales where he ends up sobbing in his panic room while a pitchfork-wielding mob sack his mansion, and as they pound on the door, in his despair he cries out: 'This is terrible! 1 million dollars only brought me misery! I wish I'd never been given 1 million dollars!'

Then the picture goes wavy and he wakes up to his mum knocking on his bedroom door. 'Craig? Craig, wake up, you'll be late for school!' And he learns his lesson and never asks for 1 million dollars again.
posted by RokkitNite at 2:48 PM on December 21, 2010


Can we bury him in a million dollars' worth of pennies? Because, well, THAT would be worth the effort.
You're a dungeon master, aren't you?
posted by Katrel at 2:54 PM on December 21, 2010


I was saddened to realize I'll burn through well over a million dollars in my lifetime and I'm not even that special. Take a person making $35k a year. In 30 years he'll have made a million bucks.

I have nothing to back this with, but I am guessing your average college grad makes at least $35k a year sometime before age 30. So assume $35k starting at 30 and you'll have made a million by the time you're 60 and you'll still have some time to go before retirement (and we ignored the first 8 years of your wage earning life).

Not to get into specifics, but the vast majority of my income goes toward taxes, insurance and loan interest (mortgage, student loan, and credit card). This is the part that depresses me the most. The majority of that million dollars will never land in my pocket!

Something else that is starting to scare me is that I don't think a million dollars is that much money. I know, everything is relative, but let's pretend I make it to 70. Statistics say if I make it that far I'll probably make it another decade or so, the last 5 of which will be spent in a care facility. And these are 2050 dollars we're talking about, so they'll be worth like half of what a dollar today is worth. So retirement then 10 years maintaining the depressing level of existence I become accustomed to? I'm guessing $70k a year just to be lower middle class in 2050.

A million bucks? This kid is thinking too small.
posted by cjorgensen at 2:57 PM on December 21, 2010 [2 favorites]


I've always found these kinds of online appeals for cash, whether couched in irony or no, to be vulgar in the extreme.

P.S. Whatever this guy says he'll do for a million bucks, I'll do for 200 Grand. (e-mail's in profile)
posted by Atom Eyes at 3:01 PM on December 21, 2010 [3 favorites]


Heck give me a million dollars and I'll tell you why. I have an addictive personality and no self control. This means that in a short time I will be dead. Essentially my mother, wife and kids could use a large portion of a million dollars. And believe me, a very large portion will be left over. And I will die with a big smile on my face. I guarantee it. I'll even send you a picture.

So you're not gonna send it, right? I knew it. Bastard.
posted by Splunge at 3:05 PM on December 21, 2010


I actually thought that was pretty funny. It also turned on a very recessive, perhaps vestigial, slam-geek-into-locker-door gene that I didn't know I had.
posted by condour75 at 3:07 PM on December 21, 2010


Agreed. a million bucks is hardly worth the effort. Couple fun nights out and you are back to square one. You can't even buy a Veyron for that, what am I an Enzo driving peasant ?
posted by Ad hominem at 3:10 PM on December 21, 2010


I thought it was pretty funny. Reasonably good job, Mr. Rowan!
posted by Kwine at 3:17 PM on December 21, 2010


You wanna piss this arrogant kid off, and please everybody else? Then give me TWO million. He does not not deserve your money because he did not do any damn research.
posted by anigbrowl at 3:58 PM on December 21, 2010


Face-snapping nailed it for me, check is in the mail.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 4:19 PM on December 21, 2010


Intro video one: "If you are not a millionaire or are not somebody who knows millionaires, feel free to turn this off." Way to lose your audience.
posted by eegphalanges at 4:49 PM on December 21, 2010


I know millionaires, and they are saving up to buy themselves an apartment.
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 5:35 PM on December 21, 2010


Feels reminiscent of Stephen Colbert's clear-spoken and confident persona.
posted by Evernix at 8:27 PM on December 21, 2010


Take a person making $35k a year. In 30 years he'll have made a million bucks.

Yes, but take $1M now, and invest it safely and wisely, and 4% interest will garner $40,000/year taxed at the low capital-gains rate, without any need to work more than 2-3 hours per quarter.
posted by explosion at 7:14 AM on December 22, 2010


I was in college the first time I found out that a million dollars was not always considered a lot of money.

One of my fellow students, whose parents were, I assume, quite wealthy, told me casually, "Rich people know that a million dollars is not a lot of money."

See, money is wasted in the hands of rich people. Poor people know that a million dollars is a lot of money. They can squeeze a living out of less than $30k for a family of four. I'm glad that I've never been that poor.

But.

If I had a million dollars, and let's say I had it in some kind of investment where I'm getting 5% of my principal each year, all as capital gains.

That's $50k every year, taxed at just 15% (unless I'm misunderstanding something, that's the maximum I can be charged for capital gains).

I don't have to work a single second that year to make the money, I just let it do the work for me. Anything else I make, say by doing the odd job here and there, is gravy.

So, for me, a million dollars looks like a nice amount of money. Of course, that's right now. 30-40 years down the road, $50k is not going to go as far as it once did.
posted by Deathalicious at 9:16 AM on December 22, 2010


The apartment I'm n right now cost a million bucks. It aint that great.

I'm lying. it's pretty sweet
posted by The Whelk at 9:27 AM on December 22, 2010


« Older The anti-gay donations that Target apologized for?...   |   The fitness enthusiast. The pu... Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments