Skip

"Open your ass and your heart and mind will follow."
January 21, 2011 8:48 AM   Subscribe

Anal Massage Goes Deeper Than You May Have Ever Imagined. A collection of very awkward sexual self-help videos, gathered by Eliot Glazer (creator of My Parents Were Awesome).
posted by hermitosis (66 comments total) 10 users marked this as a favorite

 
Christ what an nah nevermind.
posted by hypersloth at 8:53 AM on January 21, 2011 [3 favorites]


Christ what a pedophile?? Is that what you were going to say?
posted by spicynuts at 8:54 AM on January 21, 2011


this post is tops.
posted by The Whelk at 8:57 AM on January 21, 2011 [6 favorites]


I'm totally juiced now.
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:58 AM on January 21, 2011


"He has spent an average of two hours a day making love to himself since he was a teenager."

WHAT? WAHT?!
posted by Kandarp Von Bontee at 9:01 AM on January 21, 2011


This post will be the end of me.
posted by hermitosis at 9:01 AM on January 21, 2011


Something about the way he says hass-oll isn't right.

Also, the way he explains the hass-oll breathing it looks like he's conducting an anal sympathy symphony.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 9:03 AM on January 21, 2011


I'm glad someone got to the bottom of this important matter!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 9:03 AM on January 21, 2011


Wow. You feed yourself with that hand?
posted by Artful Codger at 9:05 AM on January 21, 2011 [2 favorites]


"He has spent an average of two hours a day making love to himself since he was a teenager." This is my end. My only friend, my end.
posted by The Whelk at 9:05 AM on January 21, 2011 [10 favorites]


This is where the ski lift drops you off, at the top of a very slippery slope leading down to the dark valley of goatse.
posted by hippybear at 9:08 AM on January 21, 2011 [11 favorites]


"He has spent an average of two hours a day making love to himself since he was a teenager."

How does he possibly find the time? Two hours a day is a LOT of time.
posted by Chrysostom at 9:08 AM on January 21, 2011


Reminder to self: never shake hands with this guy.
posted by mrbill at 9:08 AM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


He's probably got a killer grip.
posted by The Whelk at 9:10 AM on January 21, 2011


SAMWELL WAS RIGHT
posted by "Elbows" O'Donoghue at 9:11 AM on January 21, 2011 [2 favorites]


Man, Tim and Eric just keeps getting weirder.
posted by klangklangston at 9:13 AM on January 21, 2011 [7 favorites]


End well?
posted by chavenet at 9:13 AM on January 21, 2011


FIRE IN THE WHOLE
posted by clavdivs at 9:13 AM on January 21, 2011


something something prostate before.
posted by The Whelk at 9:15 AM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


Rectum? Damn near killed him!
posted by mosk at 9:16 AM on January 21, 2011 [3 favorites]


I just read metafilter for the comments... yeah.
posted by LD Feral at 9:16 AM on January 21, 2011


Laughgasm is a yoga technique? I could have sworn it was an 80's comedy club.
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 9:17 AM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


The first person that says this needs a NSFW tag needs this post to find their head.
posted by cjorgensen at 9:17 AM on January 21, 2011 [2 favorites]


The only non-sexual time I've heard of anal massage, outside of medical prostate reasons, was someone having injured their coccyx and needing it put back into place. The instructor who explained that didn't make it sound like a fun process.

Never, though, have I heard that "high levels of well being" requiring "500-1000 anal 'breaths' a day".
posted by yeloson at 9:17 AM on January 21, 2011


Surely this falls in the same category as frog-raping monkeys?
posted by londonmark at 9:18 AM on January 21, 2011 [2 favorites]


There was a young man from Nantucket...
posted by pjaust at 9:18 AM on January 21, 2011




Mr. Show reference
posted by Eideteker at 9:21 AM on January 21, 2011


"He has spent an average of two hours a day making love to himself since he was a teenager."

Yeah. He is just applying himself.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:22 AM on January 21, 2011


Is this for real?
posted by AElfwine Evenstar at 9:24 AM on January 21, 2011


NOT CLICKING NOT CLICKING NOT CLICKING
posted by sidesh0w at 9:30 AM on January 21, 2011 [5 favorites]


Also I'd like to thank hermitosis for ruining this song forever with the post title.
posted by The Whelk at 9:35 AM on January 21, 2011


Surely this falls in the same category as frog-raping monkeys?

Self-love is consensual.
posted by auto-correct at 9:37 AM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


Self-love is consensual.

Perhaps not when you are an obsessive compulsive like this two-hour phenom!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 9:39 AM on January 21, 2011


"He has spent an average of two hours a day making love to himself since he was a teenager."

WHAT? WAHT?!



In the butt.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 9:42 AM on January 21, 2011 [28 favorites]


Self-love is consensual.

I was asleep at the time.
posted by Combustible Edison Lighthouse at 9:44 AM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


From the fourth video:

"I learned to teach when I was a member of the Jesuits..."

Yeah, that explains it all, right there.
posted by Sir Cholmondeley at 9:46 AM on January 21, 2011


This guy's a professional twice over -- an analyst and a therapist.
posted by me3dia at 9:48 AM on January 21, 2011 [5 favorites]


Open your ass and your heart and mind will follow??

Definitely sounds like Metafilter.
posted by Xurando at 9:48 AM on January 21, 2011


Looks like The MetaFilter Effect has spared me the horrors of actually having to watch this. Site's down. OH SAVED FROM MYSELF AGAIN.
posted by sonika at 9:56 AM on January 21, 2011


Sometimes we're lucky when we get here late and MeFi's already overwhelmed a server.

Main link: Our servers are over capacity and certain pages may be temporarily unavailable. We're incredibly sorry for the inconvenience.
posted by MuChao at 9:57 AM on January 21, 2011


Everyone's all "OH NO I'M NOT CLICKING THAT!"

But really, they are.
posted by hermitosis at 10:01 AM on January 21, 2011 [3 favorites]


My Parents Were Awesome got a fucking blog to book deal. I'm gonna guess that this will not.
posted by fixedgear at 10:04 AM on January 21, 2011


Also I'd like to thank hermitosis for ruining this song forever with the post title.

I think the song is improved by hermitosis' post title. Though I still don't want to listen to it.
posted by oneirodynia at 10:06 AM on January 21, 2011


This post is so spot on, it's really pegged the topic.
posted by zippy at 10:13 AM on January 21, 2011


Therapist = The rapist.
posted by pianomover at 10:32 AM on January 21, 2011


..."high levels of well being" requiring "500-1000 anal 'breaths' a day".

The wife practices this. At night. In bed. But she only exhales, for some reason.
posted by Splunge at 10:38 AM on January 21, 2011 [5 favorites]


"He has spent an average of two hours a day making love to himself since he was a teenager."

My high school counselor did not notify me of this career option.
posted by cmoj at 11:01 AM on January 21, 2011 [5 favorites]


There's something charming, cute, and funny about the effort to make spiritual sacraments out of good old dirty kinks.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 11:33 AM on January 21, 2011


I accidentally the hole.
posted by The otter lady at 11:39 AM on January 21, 2011 [3 favorites]


I would like to congratulate everyone so far for not conflating anal massage and my parents.

Oops

posted by kittyprecious at 12:00 PM on January 21, 2011 [2 favorites]


All things considered, this thread has gone as well as can be expected.
posted by tommasz at 12:45 PM on January 21, 2011


All things considered, this thread has gone as well as can be expected.

Yeah, I was expecting a real shit storm.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 1:47 PM on January 21, 2011


lol.
butts.
posted by The Whelk at 2:28 PM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


Ummmm ya know what, I think I'll just grab a couple tokes and watch the old VHS tape of Woodstock again, thanks anyway.
posted by Twang at 2:55 PM on January 21, 2011


"He has spent an average of two hours a day making love to himself since he was a teenager."

And to think he could have been practicing on the piano instead.
posted by binturong at 3:17 PM on January 21, 2011


And to think he could have been practicing on the piano instead.

Oh, one can theoretically practice piano for several hours a day during high school and still have a rather copious self-love routine.

Theoretically, of course. I wouldn't know anything about actually having that kind of routine. Not me, not during high school. No way.
posted by hippybear at 3:25 PM on January 21, 2011


Oh, one can theoretically practice piano for several hours...

Relevant?
posted by zippy at 6:44 PM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


REAL MEN FIND REAL UTOPIAS
posted by gorgor_balabala at 8:00 PM on January 21, 2011


This guy's a professional twice over -- an analyst and a therapist.

So he’s an analrapist?
posted by spitefulcrow at 11:00 PM on January 21, 2011


"Anal breaths" will now become my new favorite euphemism.
posted by funkiwan at 1:23 AM on January 22, 2011


OK, so I actually went back after the first round of lulz and watched all the videos and what really strikes me about this is that Eliot Glazer is a jerk. Yes, it's kind of weird that Dr. Kramer is so insistent on saying "asshole" instead of "anus" (and yes, "My Parents Were Awesome" was a pretty great idea, the questionable merit of a tumblr-to-book be damned) and his affect is unusual, but I'm sick of the easy and pervasive joke that is alternative-sexuality shaming.* It takes big fucking balls to say "I enjoy something that other people think is weird, even though it's totally harmless" and to be an advocate for loving your self (or, whatever, "making love to yourself") even though it's inevitably going to be a magnet for Internet gawkery and homophobia-by-proxy.

I'm pretty damn vanilla; I tried going to an all-male naked yoga class a few years ago before admitting that I just had certain boundaries to confront about personal space and was never going to be perfectly comfortable there. But I don't begrudge anyone else who enjoys it the experience. I'm glad it exists. I'm glad Dr. Kramer is out there and that maybe his video/program/thing will help someone out there get over their mind-rending hangups. I mean, really, Eliot? "Nightmare goggles" for videos of talking heads and footage of naked men from the waist up?

Roy and Suz are brave. Chester seems like an earnest guy. Annie Sprinkle is fucking awesome. The actual lulz here are about as potent as a limp dick.

*Yeah, so I like doofy acronyms. Ass is great, ASS is a social cancer.
posted by kittyprecious at 10:10 AM on January 22, 2011 [1 favorite]


I disagree on the count that the people who traffic in these sorts of alternative-sexuality ideas know perfectly well how ridiculous they or their ideas seem to everyday people, and most of them have an incredibly good sense of humor about it. You can't shame the shameless.

And c'mon, "ORGABUMPS"? I mean, hurray for people for unlocking their own sexuality, but incredibly personal sexual stories told for any reasons OTHER than arousing people are always going to sound really weird and make most people cringe. The "ZOMG I have to share this with the WORLD" aspect of people's sexual awakenings is always fascinating to me, and I suspect that's at the root of Glazer's interest too, underneath the cracks about "nightmare goggles" etc.
posted by hermitosis at 11:59 AM on January 22, 2011


"How does he possibly find the time? Two hours a day is a LOT of time."

Most people spend twice that watching TV. He probably enjoys his pastime more.
posted by Jacqueline at 4:42 PM on January 22, 2011 [1 favorite]


"I have relaxed and healed my asshole"

[insert ex-husband joke here]
posted by MexicanYenta at 9:03 PM on January 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


I disagree on the count that the people who traffic in these sorts of alternative-sexuality ideas know perfectly well how ridiculous they or their ideas seem to everyday people

I guess my umbrage stems from the fact that the people they're trying to reach are going to shy away from anything that receives so much mockery, and that (on a completely different level) if you're going to engage in that mockery, funny > lazy. This is lazy.
posted by kittyprecious at 4:39 AM on January 24, 2011


« Older Name-calling   |   Don't let the smooth taste FOOL YOU Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments



Post