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The most eagerly awaited movie review of the year
November 26, 2001 11:00 AM   Subscribe

The most eagerly awaited movie review of the year The ChildCare Action Project reviews Harry Potter.
posted by Shadowkeeper (62 comments total)

 
Well, I wasn't particularly awaiting the review. But I must say I like the CAP's snazzy little W-I-S-D-O-M ratings thermometer. A lot of T-H-O-U-G-H-T must have gone into setting it up.
posted by LeLiLo at 11:07 AM on November 26, 2001


CAP is always good for a laugh. I don't think I've ever seen so many offense to god bullets in one review.
posted by eyeballkid at 11:14 AM on November 26, 2001


I wonder what a book of the Bible would score on the WISDOMometer. Plug Song of Solomon in there.
posted by grrarrgh00 at 11:15 AM on November 26, 2001


Levitation is an offense to god? Does that make people that use trampolines inherently evil?

I can't believe how many ads are in the CAPalert reviews now. It's like I'm looking at c|net or salon.
posted by mathowie at 11:19 AM on November 26, 2001


Couldn't be bothered to read all the way to the end, but I like the comparison of Rowling's craft with "commercial nuclear power production" and especially enjoy the clever placement of ads for Christian products in the text.
posted by muckster at 11:21 AM on November 26, 2001


you beat me to it, Matt.
posted by muckster at 11:22 AM on November 26, 2001


Christmas without Jesus ?
posted by panopticon at 11:23 AM on November 26, 2001


My favorite CAPalert is still the one for South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut. We can say this: they don't misunderstand the movie's intentions. As they say: "*South Park* is another movie straight from the smoking pits of Hell."

Excerpts from their list of unsavory elements:
- igniting anal wind then being incinerated
- suggestion of ejecting ping pong balls from a female private organ
- homosexual invitation with homosexual story in song
- passing body gas in time to music and in other situations
- equating Jesus with sexual anatomy


I really must see that movie again.
posted by argybarg at 11:24 AM on November 26, 2001


Listing every single spell cast in the movie as a separate "Offense to God" bullet point, and then listing "casting spells, repeatedly," kind of strikes me as cheating. C'mon, guys: you can be a lumper or a splitter but you can't be both.
posted by Shadowkeeper at 11:25 AM on November 26, 2001


I thought the ending of Harry Potter was an "offense to God". And to moviegoers.
posted by skylar at 11:30 AM on November 26, 2001


Christmas without Jesus

burn them at the stake!!!
posted by adampsyche at 11:32 AM on November 26, 2001


"NOTE: The CAP Analysis Model makes no scoring allowances for trumped-up "messages" to excuse or for manufacturing of justification for aberrant behavior or imagery, or for camouflaging such ignominy with "redeeming" programming. Disguising sinful behavior in a theme plot does not excuse the sinful behavior of either the one who is drawing pleasure from the sinful display or the practitioners demonstrating the sinful behavior. "

Sentences this convuluted incite me to sin. But I still loved the review.
posted by kristin at 11:35 AM on November 26, 2001


"Bloody injury" is wanton violence/crime? I thought it was the stuff of miracles.
posted by goto11 at 11:43 AM on November 26, 2001


Children wandering about alone in a forest at night.

What kind of a world do we live in when children can be shown wandering about alone in a forest at night? Oh, troubled times..
posted by swift at 11:43 AM on November 26, 2001


Christmas without Jesus is like Thanksgiving without the turkey.
posted by panopticon at 11:43 AM on November 26, 2001


My favorite is still their Rushmore review, particularly their decision to cite Wes Anderson and co. for "using bees to effect vengeance". In fact, I liked that phrase so much, I named my weblog after it, Kiam-style.
posted by alexfw at 11:44 AM on November 26, 2001


You know what's silly about this review? The fact that, after walking the reader through the storyline for a full five paragraphs, the reviewer says:
I am not going to go into any great length describing the storyline...

But I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on him. The transition from nuclear technician to Christian movie critic can't be a simple one.
posted by varmint at 11:44 AM on November 26, 2001


using bees to effect vengeance

Alex, that is wonderful, simply wonderful.
posted by delapohl at 11:54 AM on November 26, 2001


I always forget...is ChildCare Action Project published by The Onion or by National Lampoon?
posted by O Boingo at 11:58 AM on November 26, 2001


Offense to God (O)(2) lost intermediate level points once due to the use of Christ's full name in vain. - From the Rushmore review

Jesus H. Christ? I don't know his full name.
posted by chino at 12:00 PM on November 26, 2001


From the list of offenses in Rushmore:
Other examples of entertainment ignominy, each warranting the loss of the minimum point level, included

•chucking rocks


Well, to quote this book I read once: Let him with the free hand cast the first stone.
posted by ColdChef at 12:00 PM on November 26, 2001


I can't believe how many ads are in the CAPalert reviews now. It's like I'm looking at c|net or salon.

Believe it, one of the main reasons I'm not going to read this is so I don't contribute money in the form of ad pennies to this fundie out of touch organization. A little while back they were planning on asking for donations and then I went back after to find 10 or so ads.

They know how to exploit the smarmy types that read their inane reviews for kicks. Pat yourselves on the back, by going there you're helping them keep their web site going (and other activities I bet).

After about the fifth visit its just not funny anymore and if there's a site out there that deserves a boycott its these nuts. How many times can you get a kick out of this crap? "Hey look he wrote something ignorant and reactionary. AGAIN!" I guess if its funny the first time its funny the ten millionth time, eh?

Let them join the rest of quacks on the unnoticed fringe. Crap like this just helps legitimize them by making them more accessible and giving them a higher rating in search engines. Maybe there's room for exposing their stupity for what its worth, but fundamentalism in america is an old topic, if you don't know where you stand by now a cheesy website won't help you.
posted by skallas at 12:07 PM on November 26, 2001


<cough>

NOTE: None of the organizations in the images on this page are paying one cent for the space.
posted by NortonDC at 12:18 PM on November 26, 2001


Skallas, you are harshing my mellow.
posted by thirteen at 12:28 PM on November 26, 2001


You beat me to it, Argybarg. The South Park review is wonderful.

These are but a very few of the examples of ignominy in this celluloid developed in the fiery pits of Hell. And the kids in the audience loved it, almost as much as the adults with them. May God have mercy on us.

oh yeah, this guy must have been a blast to sit next to in the theater.
posted by jerseygirl at 12:35 PM on November 26, 2001


"fundamentalism in america is an old topic, if you don't know where you stand by now a cheesy website won't help you."

So what's the big deal with "ligitimizing" them? Regardless, as NortonDC pointed out, by going there you aren't helping them with anything besides, possibly, getting them more impressions in an insane christian banner exchange. The only people visiting the site are either mocking it, or bugfuck-Nobody is ever going to be converted to fundamentalist christianity by the CAP.

Anyway, this is one smarmy type who enjoyed the review.
posted by Doug at 12:36 PM on November 26, 2001


It's sort of old, but it fits this thread:

The CRAP review of the Holy Bible

It's great.
posted by mkn at 12:37 PM on November 26, 2001


I have not read any of the "Harry Potter" books. Thus I am not influenced or biased by them
That's a good reviewer. Maybe he didn't even watch the movie, not to be influenced or biased by it
posted by matteo at 12:48 PM on November 26, 2001


NOTE: None of the organizations in the images on this page are paying one cent for the space.

I think that's only for the top adds, the bottom ones are traditional banner ads. In fact you can view the pricing here.

Secondly, Kingdom Buy does produce revenue for CAP, when people buy from them and mention CAP.

I really wasn't aware that the top ads weren't impression based, I stopped visiting them the first day I saw them so my own little boycott has made me a bit more ignorant at the changes at CAP. Regardless, I don't know if this matters much to me personally. It still has ads, it still is insulting, it still gets too much attention and more importantly its not funny.
posted by skallas at 12:49 PM on November 26, 2001


matteo--Actually, I'm with CAP on that one (er, just don't tell anyone, ok?). Watching that movie, I'm like "What the hell was the baby dragon about?" and "Why exactly did we stop the story dead for a rehash of the speeder-bike scene from Jedi?" not to mention "Why are we supposed to give a damn about a 10 minute sequence about getting on a train?"

I'm told it all makes sense and feels right to those that have read the book. Too bad it doesn't stop it from making for a weak movie that can't stand on it's own.
posted by NortonDC at 1:03 PM on November 26, 2001


Skallas, I would like to join your boycott. Our brutal refusal to add to their webvertising revenue will surely bring these fundamentalists to their knees and show them the error of their ways! Viva la Revolucion!
posted by varmint at 1:07 PM on November 26, 2001


...presenting evil as something to admire and emulate.

A new tagline!
posted by signal at 1:09 PM on November 26, 2001


A new tagline!

Oh, no...not here...
posted by lbergstr at 1:18 PM on November 26, 2001


Wow -- awesome site! I read the review of American Pie II and learned that "cornuto" is an offense to God. Now if only I could figure out WTF "cornuto" means...
posted by spilon at 1:21 PM on November 26, 2001


Shortly after birth, Harry (Daniel Radcliffe) is delivered by witch McGonagall (Maggie Smith), wizard Dumbledore (Richard Harris) and a giant named Hagrid (Robbie Coltrane) to Harry's aunt and uncle Dursley on 4 Privet Drive. Harry's parents were murdered by the wizard Voldemort during a killing spree. Though Voldemort tried to kill Harry, he failed which made Harry an arch enemy of Voldemort. Voldemort's attempts to murder the infant Harry left a scar in the shape of a lightning bolt on his forehead (I wonder why it is on his forehead?) [Rev. 13:16] Harry was the only one Voldemort did not kill. Now there's a good topic for our kids to ponder while waiting for sleep to come at night -- kill, kill, kill

Read the bible, there's a lot more killing in there.
posted by trioperative at 1:22 PM on November 26, 2001


I am not normally one for these "X film is clearly spawn of Satan and can't you see that all our problems are caused by taking God out of Our [public] Schools and reruns of I Dream Of Jeannie" rantings. This fellow clearly takes way to much of the Bible literally and not enough of the figurative parts figuratively.

That being said, he does actually say nice things about the movie in the first paragraph: "An amazing excursion through dazzling computer animation and computer-aided graphics. A colorful display of goth art. A bunch of delightful and bright kids displaying great talent and skills. Ingenious planning and outstanding attention to detail...." Furthermore, the author alerts us to content including "imprisonment of a child, repeatedly; physical abuse by caregivers, repeatedly." Issues of offending dieties aside, this is perhaps not a film to share with small children.

So yes, this guy does froth at the mouth. Nevertheless he does provide useful information in the process.

I wonder what they would have said about "Ghostbusters". Interestingly, they seemed to like X-Men much better than Harry Potter.
posted by ilsa at 1:34 PM on November 26, 2001


Mkn, The CRAP review of the Bible is a classic. You are going to H*ll for that!
posted by aacheson at 1:42 PM on November 26, 2001


It must just slay the good-timers at CAP that Harry Potter is one of the biggest grossing movies yet to date, ever. I might just have to go see it again just to up the total.
posted by aacheson at 1:48 PM on November 26, 2001


I guess that I am going to Hell...punk music in startup background from Fight Club is evil and children must be kept away from it.

Where is Maude Flanders when we need her?
posted by plemeljr at 2:36 PM on November 26, 2001


Uh, dead?
posted by NortonDC at 2:49 PM on November 26, 2001


'cat with red eyes'

Blimey ... if there was ever a reason not to watch a film ...
posted by MintSauce at 3:26 PM on November 26, 2001


I thought the ending of Harry Potter was an "offense to God". And to moviegoers.

How so, skylar?
posted by brittney at 3:28 PM on November 26, 2001


Mano CORNUTO!

(Not to be confused with Menudo.)
posted by Danelope at 3:30 PM on November 26, 2001


No CAP Ghost World review?

But what about the children!?!

Boy, somebody is falling down on the anti-satanic job here...
posted by y2karl at 3:47 PM on November 26, 2001


Sex/Homosexuality (S):
* none noted

Is it just me, or does he sound disappointed here?
posted by Hildegarde at 4:23 PM on November 26, 2001


I'm surprised that they haven't got around to condemning Phillip Pullman's Dark Materials trilogy yet. Perhaps they don't read much.
posted by Hypnerotomachia at 4:43 PM on November 26, 2001


these CAP reviews always remind me of the old joke about the devout christian who reads porn to know what to stay away from.
posted by sugarfish at 4:44 PM on November 26, 2001


Offence to God:

paintings with moving subjects

See! animated gifs *are* evil!
posted by esquilax at 4:52 PM on November 26, 2001


Tom Carder, like Jack Chick, is such a completely realized self parody that any further comment is unnecessary.
posted by MAYORBOB at 5:20 PM on November 26, 2001


I will be more interested to see the Lord of the Rings review, as Tolkien purposely kept religion out of the novel. That should make for an interesting analysis.
posted by Neale at 5:32 PM on November 26, 2001


Sex/Homosexuality (S):
* none noted

Is it just me, or does he sound disappointed here?
posted by Hildegarde at 5:46 PM on November 26, 2001


Is it just me, or did I somehow post that twice?
posted by Hildegarde at 5:47 PM on November 26, 2001


Whew, thanks--I was worried I was losing my vision.
posted by y2karl at 6:09 PM on November 26, 2001


As for me I am surprised that site exists.....many people that fundie think the very act of going to a movie is a sin......

I am puzzled about who that site is for....people like myself that think that Harry is not a good idea just won't go see the movie.....everybody else is going to feel just like the lot of you have expressed......I wonder what the point was?

If it was evangelical i would have to give it 0 out of 5 stars.......
posted by bunnyfire at 6:34 PM on November 26, 2001


I liked their review for Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back. Especially the itemized list of sexual references at the bottom of the page.
posted by skechada at 7:23 PM on November 26, 2001


Christmas without Jesus makes Baby Jesus cry.
posted by Dirjy at 7:49 PM on November 26, 2001


Sex/Homosexuality (S):
* none noted

Is it just me, or does he sound disappointed here?


I think the "noted" implies that unlike all the other sins that he can spot unfailingly, the sex might be snuck in there past him, while he's concentrating on the levitation or some such.

Commercial nuclear power production couldn't possibly equip you to spot sexual symbolism.
posted by liam at 8:29 PM on November 26, 2001


I can feel nothing but sorry for the children whose parents follow these kind of "moral guides" sheepishly instead of using their own common sense.

Mary Whitehouse would be proud from her grave, though.
posted by betobeto at 10:36 PM on November 26, 2001


NOT associated with Landover or Westboro Baptist in any way.

Now that's a necessary disclaimer...
posted by y2karl at 11:51 PM on November 26, 2001


I guess Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone is a logical extension of I Dream of Genie, Bewitched...all benevolent on the surface and all since we kicked God out of our schools.

Oh no they did not go after classic tv shows. I'm gonna get out my wand and...
posted by pooldemon at 2:16 AM on November 27, 2001


Actually there is a place that has excellent movie reviews if you want to screen movies for your kids(or in my case for me too)....they simply tell you what is in a movie , by category (sex, violence, language) and you decide if it is appropriate for your family. It does go into great detail tho.
They don't tell you what to go see or not go see, which should make all of us happy.
posted by bunnyfire at 3:27 AM on November 27, 2001


http://www.kidsinmind.com/ is the link....somehow I couldn't get the link function to work this am.
posted by bunnyfire at 3:29 AM on November 27, 2001


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