January 30, 2002

5:06 PM

Children can be crueland remarkably inventive with it, as this directory of playground insults shows. It's the personal remiscences which explain each insult that make it worthwhile.
posted by MUD (20 comments total)

I prefered just to horrify people who bothered me. There's really nothing like vivid descriptions of my late-night 'rendevous' with their sickly grandmothers (which is probably a good thing). Yeah, that shut 'em up really fast. Mind you, I'm sure it's the reason most girls never talked to me. Alas, such is the price of liberty...
posted by Dark Messiah at 5:34 PM on January 30, 2002

my fave:

pacman
Any chase is demeaned to futile absurdity if observers shout "wacca wacca wacca". It certainly worked when our Physics teacher was chasing Filthy Scott (so called because he would put his finger up his arse and wipe it on your blazer) around the lab. In the end he gave up and just threw wooden sink covers at him. (Mark Patterson)
posted by o2b at 5:59 PM on January 30, 2002

The best playground insult for the self-conscious youth of today remains "Nobody likes you and you have no friends."
posted by j.edwards at 6:02 PM on January 30, 2002

j: I always loved it when people fell back on their "I have more friends than you" comments. I usually said "how many are here now" and clobbered them. I was an angry child. So very angry. Thankfully I was rather big too!
posted by Dark Messiah at 6:09 PM on January 30, 2002

I got "Oliver the wolliver the big fat tolliver" from my younger cousin, Akil. I was no better with the witty "Akil, a wheel, the big fat deal" in retort.
posted by owillis at 6:10 PM on January 30, 2002

I was fat (still am) but while all the other overweight kids would get picked on, I never got that much crap for it. I think it had something to do with the fact that I would usually join in with anyone who made fun of me. They'd get bored and move along to pick on Dave...he was fun to mess with.
posted by Mick at 6:57 PM on January 30, 2002

[I think it had something to do with the fact that I would usually join in with anyone who made fun of me.]

It's remarkably effective isn't it? Never having had a very high opinion of my mother really screwed with kids that tried to insult her. I could usually do it better than them.
posted by revbrian at 7:19 PM on January 30, 2002

Who can argue with the classic "Neale, Neale, Banana Peel".

Variations included "Orange" & "Apple".
posted by Neale at 7:29 PM on January 30, 2002

I'm told that Cruickshank is from crooked shank, a wobbly leg (or alternately a sheep hearder) but I soon found it was Cock-wank, Cock-shrank, Cock-stank (my favourite), and Cock-blank. The later meaning that I didn't have one.

My school had about twenty disabled kids. One of them, Mathew, would come hunting "the shiny" (watches). When he saw one he'd go into a frenzy and dive across desks or skid on concrete and barge his way through. It was a dive motion with both hands out like he was about to strike water then he'd grab your wrist and chinese-burn the watch off. Mathew was 25 and quite strong and everyone feared him. When he'd go past the window of a class, or walk down a corridor, the vulnerable would retract their arms into their jerseys. Running was futile.

The rumour was that replacement watches were costing his parents tens of thousands a year and that's why he spent all his time at school instead of in a hospital.

Oh, and I can't believe they missed out "Corky".
posted by holloway at 8:05 PM on January 30, 2002

What's the capital of Thailand?

Either you answer, and they punch your balls and run away laughing, or you don't know, and they punch your balls while yelling "BANGKOK". I though I had successfully repressed that memory. Ah, well....
posted by dr_emory at 8:17 PM on January 30, 2002

the setup: dude #1 and dude #2 approach hapless victim.

dude #1: dude #2 told me you called my mother a skank.
hapless victim: no way, man. i would never do that.
dude #2: are you calling me a liar?

an all time classic in the 'any justification to kick somebody's ass' category.
posted by lescour at 9:12 PM on January 30, 2002

so i'm reading this going, 'i can't believe bloggers say this about each other, and then i'm like, whoops, read THAT wrong.'

nevermind. it was funnier in my head.

i can't remember much about playground taunts. usually because i was moved around to much to be called more than 'the new kid'.
posted by jcterminal at 11:19 PM on January 30, 2002

How about Peter, Peter Pumkin Eater? Or better yet, "Is your peter bare?" Luckily I had many older brothers and sisters, so by the time I got to school I had developed a leathal wit. Most other kids only tried those on me once, and if the all else failed I'd knock the shit out of them.
posted by peterbaer at 12:25 AM on January 31, 2002

Courtney Carol fat as a barrell. And I wasn't even fat.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 12:57 AM on January 31, 2002

heh, great resource. How about all those descriptive names for physically abusive acts; "purple nurple", "titty twister", etc. I still remember something called a "dead arm" which simply consisted of hitting someone in the arm hard enough to render it immobile. Ouch.
posted by jeremias at 5:41 AM on January 31, 2002

no adidas backwards: sex all day in dad's apartment :) so naughty!
posted by kliuless at 7:18 AM on January 31, 2002

jeremias - my best friend and I in middle school used to give each other dead legs during band class. Him being about twice as big as me, the result one day was that I ended up going home with a deep muscle bruise. Ouch!
posted by starvingartist at 7:48 AM on January 31, 2002

What's the capital of Thailand?

Either you answer, and they punch your balls and run away laughing, or you don't know, and they punch your balls while yelling "BANGKOK".

Oh man. I'm trying this one out on my boss.
posted by Skot at 8:28 AM on January 31, 2002

I was NOT witty as a kid (still not), but this one chick used to really pick on me ("Modem Ovary sucks cock!" and such) so, never the kind of kid to take up for myself, I went to the prinipal's office, had him call her in for a meeting, looked her square in the eye and said "My daddy's rich, he has A LOT of money, and if you say another word to me, I will sue you." She came back at me with "you better get your facts straight," and all that boo-ya, so I sez "It's your choice weather we see eachother in court. It's purely up to you." It worked!! Not very witty, but I fealt like a total badass.
posted by Modem Ovary at 9:01 AM on January 31, 2002

I rather be dead than red on the head.......

also was called carrot top a lot.

ugh...... i hated those days.
posted by ewwgene at 7:06 PM on January 31, 2002