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For perspective: I work in mental healthcare for clients with severe mental illness (schizophrenia, etc) who also have major life-domain impairments (homelessness, etc). It's an intense job. I also live in Northern California in the middle of the giant fires, where tens of thousands of people were evacuated and thousands lost their homes. My staff and I are mandated disaster-relief workers, and most of my line staff has been working in emergency evacuation shelters for the last two weeks. In the... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by lazuli at 6:21 AM on October 20, 2017

don't pounce on him right when he walks in the door. (not that you ARE, but that has always been very frustrating to me. let me change my clothes and wash my hands or whatever).

when you're getting dinner ready or whatever you do in the evening, "hey, how was your day?". (note that this encompasses more than just his job). three scenarios follow:

1) "ugh, it was fucking awful. i don't want to talk or even think... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by misanthropicsarah at 12:23 PM on October 19, 2017

hell no, don't choose a different name. Your baby should be a force of nature.
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Dressed to Kill at 11:49 AM on September 28, 2017

Breaking Mom is a subreddit that I found invaluable for the real and raw take of pregnancy and motherhood. It tends to be more geared toward motherhood than pregnancy but I found it to be a breath of fresh air as I was overcome with prenatal ambivalence as one of the few places that I wasn't expected to vomit rainbows or have a fully Pinterestic nursery.
posted to Ask MetaFilter by crunchy potato at 7:52 AM on May 9, 2017

I hate having to leave the house for me time. I want to be able to lay down, not wear pants, scratch myself, make tea and coffee as needed. I hate that I have to make my family leave for me to get that time - being ensconced in my room with my desk isn't enough (if I call a friend that is a sign of wanting to be interrupted obvs). So I have to tell them or ask them to leave, they never take the initiative themselves unless it is to go do something they want to do. Even if I say "short paper... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by geek anachronism at 5:55 PM on March 26, 2017

Previously, expanded:

Which moderately expensive thing has most radically improved your life?
Name a purchase of yours that was worth every penny!
Looking for retailers with lifetime guarantee / warranty
Best Long-Lasting Products Evar
Might as well have the best.
Now that I'm making enough to feel rich (without actually being rich?), what stuff would make my life way better?
What are some items you... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by zamboni at 8:59 AM on February 12, 2017 marked best answer

I hate the modern cult of productivity, because we're more productive now than ever. In my work life, I do the work of at least three employees in an office from 50 years ago despite goofing off all the time. In my home life, machines have largely freed me from the drudgery of carrying water, making fires, washing dishes and clothes, so I probably have more free time than 99% of people who have ever lived. The reward for that should less worrying about Getting Stuff Done, not more.
posted to MetaFilter by Bulgaroktonos at 6:34 AM on December 23, 2016

To add to my list:

he is open to the idea of introducing something (anything!) different to our sex life and does not proclaim such a suggestion to be an indication that he is a terrible lover, with requisite comforting about penis size and adventurousness and...how he's the hottest sexiest thing I've ever seen.
he initiates intimacy in a variety of ways/contexts and comfortably accepts a yes or a no or a maybe this other way without hostility or pouting.... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by bilabial at 2:08 PM on July 27, 2015

Holy shit. This. My husband doesn't want me to work full-time anymore because "it makes you angry". No - work makes me stressed out. Being asked "what's for dinner" the second I walk in the door makes me angry. So does responding to my attempts to describe whichever awful work situation is stressing me out with "Oh yeah? That's nothing. (Insert competing story here.)"

Ha. I got, "Why do you read all that feminism... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by jaguar at 11:00 AM on July 22, 2015

easter queen: This is a whole thing I've never acknowledged before-- that being a female partner in a straight relationship means a BUTTLOAD of emotional labor around sex, that you really really can't talk about, because there is so much male fragility on this issue.

HELL YES. I hadn't even thought of this. Yet as soon as I read your comment, there he was popping up right in my head: Mr Previous, complaining that I 'was ruining the... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by Too-Ticky at 10:50 AM on July 22, 2015

And women have more reason to have a mid-life crisis, in these terms! My own mother had one, and it led to the divorce of my parents (which, sadly, she later regretted) and maybe if it were acknowledged that women are not de facto emotional dumping grounds and need to work through these mid-life things (and NOT just menopause) the same as men do, then she would have been able to acknowledge her feelings and make choices that more closely adhered to what she needed. Maybe what happened... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by jaguar at 10:07 PM on July 23, 2015

I don't know if I even got to my point there, but there's this big stupid component of emotional labour where not only do you have to fix the original thing, get over the pain, but you're never supposed to refer back to it either and it just...

it's this big katamari damacy ball of shit.

Every time it happens again and you think of the time it happened before you're supposed to shove that down and treat it all like it's a new day. And every time... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by geek anachronism at 8:33 PM on July 26, 2015

"You're unjustly accusing me of being a terrible person"

Ours always went like:
him: you think I'm such an asshole *pout*
me, trying to soothe him: no, I never called you that, I said I had a problem with [behavior]

I guess I would have saved us both a lot of time if I'd just called him an asshole.
posted to MetaFilter by desjardins at 12:24 PM on July 24, 2015

I can't be the only who's faced this:

I have no clue how people do this job for 8 hours a day and then go home to needy families of four expecting the same treatment, because I just want to go home and drink and not talk to any humans.

Or, I want to come home and unwind by talking about my day and my significant other tells me I need to de-stress before entering the house because he doesn't want to listen to me *bitch* about it.
posted to MetaFilter by kinetic at 7:44 AM on July 22, 2015

Today a young woman called me rude because I gave her directions without smiling or being conciliatory.

I once had an annual performance review where I was told that I was good at my job, good at managing deadlines, good at helping out in multiple departments.

BUT. (My boss told me this shamefacedly, which is how I knew telling me was something she had been forced to do.)

The important dude from an... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by a fiendish thingy at 6:01 AM on July 22, 2015

Thella, I was trying to get at more identifying and expressing one's own needs, not necessary taking care of all of them on one's own.

Thinking about that more: I think there can (and should!) be an expectation that both/all partners in a relationship should be feeding the relationship (I like your idea of the relationship-as-entity) and doing thoughtful things for the other(s). I think that where I often see it going off the rails is when one partner... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by jaguar at 6:54 PM on July 19, 2015

On being noticed, unasked... Growing up, I did not mow the lawn. Now I mow pastures. Last time my husband mowed an overgrown pasture, he accidentally ran over something living, and he felt so awful about it. Knowing that, I have volunteered for thigh-high pasture duty, which is not only slow work, but work that needs to be done twice to chop the weeds fine enough. When I offered to mow this morning, I hoped he would understand why and verbalize it. After, he thanked me for... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by MonkeyToes at 6:09 PM on July 19, 2015

A lot of my emotional labor is tied up in caretaking for my husband, who has bipolar. It means I spend a lot of time reading and managing his moods. He'll do housework but only if I ask him to because he doesn't see it unless it's really obvious (a tower of dishes in the sink), but at least he'll do it cheerfully. And he'll usually pick up on whether if I'm particularly tired and will let me hibernate or will make dinner or whatever I need. But the entire relationship is very lopsided because of... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by PussKillian at 4:55 PM on July 19, 2015

The worst was that one liner about being afraid to ask the beloved person to read the thread. How many cringed like me? Because like me you'd had the same thought?

There was actually an AskMe I read awhile ago, and I wanted my partner to read it as well because I thought it might be useful to us, but I thought it also might be really upsetting and hurtful to him to hear how some of the users were characterizing behaviors like his (DTMFA stuff). He... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by Incoherent Cockroach at 4:17 PM on July 19, 2015

... and they hated her because she'd never helped clean the table -- which, in my family, is a prescribed task for the women, and the women only.

I suspect that if you could read their minds or get them to state the truth, the thought they are not vocalizing is "she thinks she's better than us."

I think it's more like, "She thinks she's better than this work. Well, shit, I'm better than this work, too. Why... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by Don Pepino at 3:10 PM on July 19, 2015

this is why it's so freaking annoying when dudes suddenly swear loudly! and/or make some loud! grunty! noise! while doing some sort of task, and you startle and ask what's wrong, for the reply of "nothing, it's ok, this jar lid was tight / this piece of software sucks / $dumbwhocares"

I don't know if it's better or worse, but I've only faced the inverse of this problem. It's usually when I'm cooking and I suddenly start shouting and... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by gueneverey at 7:59 AM on July 19, 2015

This is such a great thread! Just as an aside, I've got the Kathleen Edward's song "Asking for Flowers" in my head right now, and wanted to share some of the lyrics....which are totally about emotional labor.

Asking for flowers
Is like asking you to be nice
Don't tell me you're too tired
10 years I've been working nights

Every pill I took in vain
Every meal for you I... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by aka burlap at 1:00 PM on July 18, 2015

For those of you who are dealing with the "oh shit, unpaid emotional labor has been the defining thread of my career" - ugh I am so with you. I think I first posted here two days ago and I'm STILL pissed. I was basically passed up for a promotion and that's why. "But you're in project support, what makes you think you would be a good leader?" ARRRRRRGGGHHHHHH.

ok.

So last summer, my husband and I were arguing about his... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by RogueTech at 10:08 AM on July 18, 2015

women "stepping up" to get things done is not just expected and unappreciated, it's called "teamwork"; but when guys do it, it's called "leadership".

Holy shit.

HOLY SHIT.

Well...there's my career described in a single sentence.
posted to MetaFilter by Lyn Never at 1:32 PM on July 17, 2015

erratic meatsack: "Right down to inventing arguments and scenarios in my head while in the shower. "

One day my dad came home from work and my mother announced, as he came in the door, "I had a fight with you in my head about something that didn't happen, and you lost. It's going to be faster if you just apologize now."

He apologized and made her a scotch.

Sometimes I tell my husband... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by Eyebrows McGee at 1:21 PM on July 17, 2015

The "I don't know how" and "ugh, you do it" things always feel like dudes asking me to be the internet for them. It's like, you know, I wasn't born knowing how to scrub a toilet. Or fold fitted sheets (hell, I still look that one up every time). Or what colors looks nice together. Or any of the million other things I've been asked to do because hey, I already know how, right? I've got no 'intuitive grasp' on these things that are coded feminine, but when it comes time to do a... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by lriG rorriM at 12:31 PM on July 17, 2015

One of the things I try hard to do (because my mom does the "whatever you want!" thing and it drives me batty) is clarify *exactly* whether I a) have a vague preference but am totally fine being overruled in favor of a stronger preference, b) have no preference at all, I just want food to go in my mouth, or c) I kind of want to sit in front of the TV with three cans of Pringles and a Snickers bar but I will go to a restaurant like a grownup, just don't make me make any decisions.
posted to MetaFilter by restless_nomad at 10:41 AM on July 17, 2015

-You choose! Completely up to you.
-I choose this.
-Ughhhhh, really??? :( :( :(

THE SEQUEL:

-You choose! Completely up to you!
-No, I'm not going to do that, because you always shoot down everything I choose, and it's exhausting to keep having all my ideas rejected.
-I DO NOT DO THAT! I have never done that in my life! You're just making that up to get me to do all the work!... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by The Underpants Monster at 10:22 AM on July 17, 2015

Yes forever. I still have times when I say out loud, "If this were a perfect world and my decision only affected me, then [thing]." It's occasionally the only way I have of getting around my habit of thinking about everyone else's needs/wants/wishes before I even get to mine.

XtinaS, I've been doing the same thing! I phrase it as, "In my ideal world, we'd [plans]." It's something I've started using with therapy clients, too... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by jaguar at 10:13 AM on July 17, 2015

When you're making decisions where you're prioritizing other people's preferences - often unstated or even unconscious preferences - it's damned hard to choose anything.

Yes forever. I still have times when I say out loud, "If this were a perfect world and my decision only affected me, then [thing]." It's occasionally the only way I have of getting around my habit of thinking about everyone else's needs/wants/wishes before I even get to mine.
posted to MetaFilter by XtinaS at 10:07 AM on July 17, 2015

I am a super indecisive person, and I feel like a fiendish thingy just poked right at the heart of the reason why. When you're making decisions where you're prioritizing other people's preferences - often unstated or even unconscious preferences - it's damned hard to choose anything.
posted to MetaFilter by lriG rorriM at 10:03 AM on July 17, 2015

Ha, KathrynT, I think we just told similar stories in two different settings.

-You choose! Completely up to you.
-I choose this.
-Ughhhhh, really??? :( :( :(
posted to MetaFilter by a fiendish thingy at 10:02 AM on July 17, 2015

Women are socialized to be emotional sponges soaking up all those uncomfortable feelings so other people don't have to.

Ohhh, that reminds me of another common complaint about women that is secretly about this subject-- "Women are so indecisive! Why can't they just say where they want to eat!"

My indecision is based on the certainty that my choice will upset someone, that we will arrive to that place only to... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by a fiendish thingy at 9:58 AM on July 17, 2015

I just read this Vice piece an hour ago (How to Come to Terms with Your Attraction to 'Fat Girls') and wow, it struck me hard because of how it relates to this discussion - thinking about how so much of the emotional labor we do as women is so subtle it's often invisible even to us that we're performing it:
...most of the men I sleep with tell me they like my body. They'll say something like "I love curvy women," or "I like thicker girls." I always took these... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by flex at 9:38 AM on July 17, 2015

I thought of this thread yesterday after getting the mail, because I got a thank you note from a friend/neighbor who lives a five minute walk from my house. She recently had breast cancer surgery. When I was going to see her for the first time since the procedure last week, I thought “oh, I should take her something— right, I have that relaxation aromatherapy lotion/soap gift set, that works.” I ran upstairs to grab it (I always have a stash of gifts on hand just in case), I gave it to her... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by a fiendish thingy at 8:05 AM on July 17, 2015

My brother once said, proudly, that he doesn't take any notice of anything unless it splats in his face, because that way he knows he is only dealing with the important stuff.

vs.

The expectation that women will be naturally, effortlessly skilled at 1) keeping track of what's important to family members, friends of the family, work colleagues; 2) having antennae out for others' invisible and subtle... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by MonkeyToes at 6:00 AM on July 17, 2015

The way you are inviting people (passive, big groups) tells people that it is not Their Particular Company you're seeking but A Big Group of People so they perceive you don't care whether they as individuals turn up and don't prioritise it.

Invite people directly and personally and see if that changes anything.
posted to Ask MetaFilter by bimbam at 11:49 AM on October 22, 2016

I need to point out -- you have incredible tenacity and grit. Many people would have quit, experiencing what you did, and further, no one would hold that against them when it's so obviously unhealthy for them. But you hung in there and got it done. That is truly admirable, and that basic trait will carry you far, no matter which direction you take.

So take care of your anxiety, take care of yourself, but be proud of yourself too.
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Dashy at 8:24 AM on August 25, 2016

I think all the folks in here calling for divorce might be jumping the gun a little bit. When I read your question (and follow-ups) carefully, I see this:

- Your husband has ADHD and anxiety, which he is getting appropriate treatment for.
- Your husband has been unemployed for several years (which sucks), but he is actively working on (1) hustling up freelance work, (2) networking and/or applying for jobs, (4) some degree of house & child care (even... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by ourobouros at 8:37 AM on August 6, 2016

I am not a huge fan of coffee, but I quite like a mocha. I can drink these as either the hot version or the iced (Frappuccino) version. It is basically coffee with chocolate. That works for me.
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Michele in California at 3:02 PM on May 1, 2016

Of course as I've said before, an Indie Rock Parking Lot would kinda suck since nobody would be getting fucked up or trying to get laid or in a fight, they'd just be sipping free trade coffee and tweeting on their iPhones and there'd be no parking lot anyway since they'd all take their fucking bicycles.
posted to MetaFilter by jonmc at 5:14 AM on March 30, 2016

In my experience, breakdowns can happen when challenges exceed coping resources. It is nothing to be ashamed of; it is simple laws of physics, just like a bridge collapses under too much weight. And there are lots of things you can do. Try not to fixate too much on fixing everything or having a plan; this will take time, and right now you need to get through the day, so think short-term first. Here are some suggestions that helped me:

Reduce your short-term... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by PercussivePaul at 6:25 AM on March 29, 2016

Medication, therapy, and an artistic outlet. You aren't supposed to hate your job sometimes but you aren't supposed to hate yourself. You are the way you are for a purpose. You need to find your purpose. Prayer helps.

The medication and therapy together can lift you up out of where you are to start the healing process. It doesn't necessarily mean that you will always need it.
posted to Ask MetaFilter by myselfasme at 7:14 AM on March 29, 2016

I think the chickens are going to come home to roost when the old people need to sell their houses and nobody's able to buy them.
posted to MetaFilter by Mitrovarr at 6:16 AM on March 9, 2016

Thank goodness you don't fit in at your job and no one hassles you there, yet you get a healthy steady paycheck! More mental and emotional space for you to focus on yourself!

This malaise you are feeling is guilt that you are not making practical headway towards things you want. It has nothing to do with your job, and switching to a toxic workplace or a demanding soul crushing role elsewhere will not be any improvement. Thank the heavens for this gig. You're lucky. Again,... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by jbenben at 12:46 PM on February 14, 2016

You could blend the blanket "too busy" and the full disclosure "you're really demanding and difficult to work with and I don't want to be working weekends right now" into a half-truth "Given our fairly full project roster right now, I don't think it's the right time to take on an intense-sprint project that would meet your schedule expectations."
posted to Ask MetaFilter by aimedwander at 8:15 AM on January 26, 2016

My rule is to give what I can afford and what will make the giftee feel good. Sometimes, if you're in a better financial situation, an overly generous gift can be embarrassing to the recipient, but this doesn't sound like one of those situations to me. If it were me, I'd give them a generous gift card to Target or Walmart or somewhere you know they shop, along with a more personal gift like the doll, but I bet any gift at all would be appreciated.
posted to Ask MetaFilter by thetortoise at 1:03 PM on January 22, 2016

I keep similar hours, especially when stressed. I recommend not doing this. If you start work at 10, after decent sleep, you'll be more productive, and can leave at 6 feeling like a good worker, 7 if you want to be extra thorough. Get in the habit of laying out clothes and breakfast and any other prep possible the night before. I own clothes that all go together, so I can throw on pants, cardigan, and maybe a scarf or necklace and be appropriately dressed with minimal effort, but I often prep... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by theora55 at 11:45 AM on September 22, 2015

You get up in the morning. It's not hard to get out of bed. You shower, eat a healthy breakfast, and walk the dog. You go to work. You actually get things done and can sustain thoughts. You smile and greet your coworkers. When some work crisis happens, you deal with it without feeling like a complete failure and without feeling your coworkers are out to get you. You go home. Eat a healthy dinner, listen to your child patiently. Put her to bed, putter around, then go to bed yourself. It is easy... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by crazycanuck at 7:49 PM on September 16, 2015

You refer to yourself as the project manager, but if you're also the de facto creative director (of this portion of the project, at least), it's well within your right to say:

Hey [designer],
This is a great first pass. Can you [adjust the kerning of these letters, make these design elements symmetrical, add more white space here, etc. etc.]? Thanks!

You don't need to sugarcoat it, just be specific. Professional critique is not... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by cosmic osmo at 4:12 AM on August 1, 2015