Effing Dykes Presents: What Lies Beneath (Her Fingernails)
December 10, 2011 11:09 AM   Subscribe

Hiya lezzers! I’ve got marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so… WHO WANTS TO HEAR A SCARY STORY?? [Text NSFW]
posted by the young rope-rider (41 comments total)

This post was deleted for the following reason: Poster's Request -- Brandon Blatcher

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH ow ow ow ow yikes.
posted by louche mustachio at 11:20 AM on December 10, 2011

I don't care what gender you are or what gender(s) your partner(s) may be; these are a must-have for fun, safe sex. They could have saved our heroine here a lot of unpleasantness.
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:20 AM on December 10, 2011

How could anyone think that could be an urban myth and not a legitimate concern? We're not talking 'catching something off a toilet seat' here. I'm a dude and I still try to keep my nails trim and clean for that reason.
posted by FatherDagon at 11:20 AM on December 10, 2011

Don’t act like you don’t re-read your Narnia boxed-set at least once a year.
Well, after THAT story I'm sure going to right now.
posted by PapaLobo at 11:21 AM on December 10, 2011 [2 favorites]


That said, I wonder how much of that was caused by the FUCKING RHINESTONES. I mean, seriously. It's not that hard to avoid clawing the shit out of your partner, but if you have rough pointy things all over your fingernails it's going to end badly no matter how clean your hands are.
posted by restless_nomad at 11:29 AM on December 10, 2011

posted by Foci for Analysis at 11:33 AM on December 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

Fake nails are NASTY. In many hospitals, care providers are not allowed to wear fake nails at all. That's because they are a breeding ground of germs and nastiness.

Here is a nice little summary: What Are the Current Guidelines About Wearing Artificial Nails and Nail Polish in the Healthcare Setting? Toward the bottom of the article is this little nugget: "Numerous studies validate the increased number of bacteria cultured from the fingertips of persons wearing artificial nails, both before and after hand washing."
posted by 26.2 at 11:33 AM on December 10, 2011 [1 favorite]


Also, lesbian nail-trimming as foreplay. (Surprisingly SFW, although you're on your own if your boss catches you watching and wants context.)
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:40 AM on December 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

No, no, stop telling me this.
posted by Meatbomb at 11:43 AM on December 10, 2011

Yeah, the problem here isn't dirty nails, the problem is the goddamn rhinestones. I say this as someone who has been oil painting all day; my nails won't look clean for weeks. Bacteria often don't look like dirt; they look like the surface of the escalator handrail, or the shine on a well-handled doorknob. On the other hand, the nails pictured look exactly like they would have the same effect upon the female sexual organs as an enthusiastic cat would on a plump set of sofa cushions; and lo and behold, they shredded the poor girl like she was a piece of incriminating paperwork. No real surprises there. The lessons here are: you should both have a quick scrub with soap and water before commencement of The Act (however clean your hands look), and for the love of god, people, DON'T PUT RHINESTONES IN YOUR VAGINA.

Or rabbet parts.
posted by Acheman at 11:46 AM on December 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

Reeeally didn't need the birthday party ribbons comparison.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:46 AM on December 10, 2011 [2 favorites]

Honestly. Why would you avoid going to the doctor for ONE MONTH? This must be one of those anon Ask posters. "Why is there pus coming out of my nether regions? I can't bother with going to the free clinic, sorry."
posted by something something at 11:53 AM on December 10, 2011 [3 favorites]

This made my penis hurt
posted by smackwich at 11:54 AM on December 10, 2011 [3 favorites]

I like the puking egg. But not the rest.
posted by Glinn at 11:58 AM on December 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

I couldn't read the whole article with the irrelevant pictures interspersed throughout.
posted by euphorb at 12:05 PM on December 10, 2011 [2 favorites]

Jenny Shimizu.

That is all.
posted by humboldt32 at 12:07 PM on December 10, 2011

Sorry sweetie, but if you thought the pictures were irrelevant you may have missed the point.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.
posted by empatterson at 12:08 PM on December 10, 2011 [2 favorites]

Ugh. No one with grotendous nails of either gender is allowed all up in my business. And FYI smokers? Wash your fucking hands, that nasty shit burns.
posted by elizardbits at 12:11 PM on December 10, 2011

As a het guy, I feel like this should not be news. And as mentioned upthread, there are reasons that I keep my nails short, clean, and non-sharp.
posted by X-Himy at 12:16 PM on December 10, 2011

I don't think the rhinestones are rough and scratchy at all, it's probably only the edges of the nails that were hurting her. The rhinestones just provided like a thousand percent more surface and crevice area for bacteria.
posted by hermitosis at 12:19 PM on December 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

I will never understand

(random picture)

Why some people think that writing like this

Makes their story more interesting
(random picture)
or meaningful.
(random picture)

It's pretentious and irritating. If your story IS interesting
(random picture)
and if your story IS meaningful
(random picture)

(font colour change)
just tell it, using the accepted rules of paragraph structure and grammar.
posted by cilantro at 12:26 PM on December 10, 2011 [6 favorites]

Vagina + pinworms? I feel like I'm only inches away from a wonderful new experience.

Also, the need for short nails is an all–too–easy lesson to learn. Heck, you don't even need a teacher!
posted by Jehan at 12:32 PM on December 10, 2011

Sometimes I find it incredibly hot to watch my girlfriend file her nails before sexytime. Nail filing as foreplay is totally understandable. Nail hygiene is important, people.

Also, bad things happening in your crotch is a good reason to go to the doctor. SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE, WHAT THE HELL.
posted by rmd1023 at 12:36 PM on December 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

the accepted rules of paragraph structure and grammar

I don't really care how people tell their own stories in blog posts. If that's just how her brain organizes information, or if it's a sort of crutch to make her feel like her stuff is more interesting, or even if she has some sort of arty pretensions, or if it's an editorial style decision meant to pad things out a bit, that's fine. If I think I can do better, I'm welcome to try.

It didn't add much for me, but it didn't stop be from understanding or appreciating what she was trying to communicate. The internet is big, "accepted rules" bend from place to place, and complaining is almost as easy as breathing.
posted by hermitosis at 12:36 PM on December 10, 2011 [3 favorites]

I loved the pictures. For some of them, rowr. Good story, too. That is all.
posted by HopperFan at 12:46 PM on December 10, 2011 [4 favorites]

yeah the egg picture really uh drove home the point for me
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 12:48 PM on December 10, 2011

(random picture)

Sure, if the random pictures were random. I mean, if there had been a picture of Buzz Aldrin in the post, that would have been random. But, given the story, and the pictures, I thought they worked together fine. It's not like scrolling is such a chore for most people....
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:20 PM on December 10, 2011

The Egg picture is so funny.... LOL... I wanna make one
posted by rurouphi at 1:22 PM on December 10, 2011

Reading this thread without reading the link first is hilarious. And then, once you read the link...
posted by salishsea at 1:25 PM on December 10, 2011

My legs are crossed so hard right now. Ugh.
posted by jokeefe at 1:26 PM on December 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

Uh, random question but how do lesbians "top"? We're obviously talking about fingering due to the context of the story so I thought that would go both ways no matter what? Same for oral.

Other than my confusion over the term I associated with gay men, the story was A+! I love sage advice from old strangers in a bar. I've gotten some good ones in my time too.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 1:32 PM on December 10, 2011

Ew. Another leg crosser here.
posted by bquarters at 1:33 PM on December 10, 2011

Totally doesn't always go both ways. There's pretty much the whole range of possibilities for reciprocity - everything you can imagine, and some you probably can't.

"Top" may mean the "active" participant, or it may refer more specifically to a BDSM thing - that doesn't seem to be how it's being used here, but that's the way I usually see it.
posted by restless_nomad at 1:35 PM on December 10, 2011

The way it was written that she was now a dedicated top just made it seem like she didn't let anyone near her vagina after the experience.

Kind of like the time I ate a bunch of skittles as a kid, got the flu that night and threw up everywhere. I still don't eat skittles. Yep, just like that! Cai, don't blame the skittles!
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 1:40 PM on December 10, 2011 [2 favorites]

My lover is on a medical mission (being the doctor, not the patient) in Argentina for another week and 12 hours.

He will be washing his hands and boiling his goddamned clothes after I read this story.

I always make the partners wash hands before getting into my panties, it's just...I have seen what other people do after not washing their hands in the restroom. I prefer to protect my lady bits from the contents of other ladies' bits, if you catch my drift.
posted by tulip-socks at 2:16 PM on December 10, 2011

Heh. I ran into the guest bloggers's natural home, Effing Dykes, one day when I idly wondered what blogs written by actual lesbians might have to say about that whole gay girl in Damascus fiasco. Never did find anything on that, but mainly because I spent a good two hours going back through her archives, reading the picturebook Secret World of Lesbians. I thought of posting it here, but somehow "Look! Amusing lesbians!" felt like a weird reason for a post.

On which subject --- I'm as big a fan of the written word as anyone, but the random pictures thing is her whole shtick. If you don't dig it that's cool, but if you don't dig random pictures of hot lesbians sprinkled all over the page, then man are you on the wrong blog.
posted by Diablevert at 2:19 PM on December 10, 2011 [3 favorites]

I keep my nails short and non-sharp and sparkling clean, ladies.

It makes it a lot easier to type...ladies.

I may not be using this ladies thing right
Please fetch me a sexologist or Smoove B

posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:25 PM on December 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

Mr. Bad Example: When you use the term ladies like that, I begin to imagine you as T. Rex. This is not necessarily a bad thing.
posted by rmd1023 at 4:09 PM on December 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

Sexy Dinosaur Klaxon!
posted by The River Ivel at 4:39 PM on December 10, 2011

I begin to imagine you as T. Rex.

SPOILER: I am actually very similar to T. Rex.

posted by Mr. Bad Example at 4:43 PM on December 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: Don't put rhinestones up your vagina
posted by hungrytiger at 3:13 AM on December 11, 2011

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