The Craziest Magazine Ever
February 21, 2012 3:53 PM Subscribe
so Fox News was a magazine before it was a tv channel?
posted by xbonesgt at 4:04 PM on February 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by xbonesgt at 4:04 PM on February 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
gleet (gl t). n. Archaic. 1. Inflammation of the urethra characterized by a mucopurulent discharge. 2. The discharge that is characteristic of this inflammation.
Well, there you go.
posted by absalom at 4:07 PM on February 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
Well, there you go.
posted by absalom at 4:07 PM on February 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
Ugh, fuck Seanbaby. Your "edgy" shit is old and unfunny.
posted by Pope Guilty at 4:08 PM on February 21, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by Pope Guilty at 4:08 PM on February 21, 2012 [7 favorites]
Oh, and if you're curious what the cure for gleet is, according to a little quick search on Citrosandalene Capsule, a digitized Medical Herald on Archive.Org lists the Citrosandalene company as producing a capsule with the following ingredients : MORPHINE, OPIUM, WHISKY,
posted by absalom at 4:12 PM on February 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by absalom at 4:12 PM on February 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
He probably picked it up from a pulp international post on it a few weeks ago.
posted by absalom at 4:14 PM on February 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by absalom at 4:14 PM on February 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
gleet (gl t). n. Archaic. 1. Inflammation of the urethra characterized by a mucopurulent discharge. 2. The discharge that is characteristic of this inflammation.
Well, there you go.
Deadwood taught me that word. It was not pleasant. The episode is "Requiem for a gleet".
posted by gkhan at 4:15 PM on February 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
Well, there you go.
Deadwood taught me that word. It was not pleasant. The episode is "Requiem for a gleet".
posted by gkhan at 4:15 PM on February 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
IIRC, Luc Sante used it extensively when he wrote Low Life.
posted by jonmc at 4:33 PM on February 21, 2012
posted by jonmc at 4:33 PM on February 21, 2012
also everyone should go read Low Life.
posted by The Whelk at 4:35 PM on February 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 4:35 PM on February 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
I actually thought Seanbaby retired or something, glad to see he's still at it. He kind of did pioneer a particular style of internet frat-boy comedy along with Maddox, Old Man Murray, and Tucker Max.
posted by empath at 4:38 PM on February 21, 2012
posted by empath at 4:38 PM on February 21, 2012
Make no mistake: Ugly women should only be used to test the pressure on sewage pipes.
And that's as far as I got.
posted by Splunge at 4:42 PM on February 21, 2012 [9 favorites]
And that's as far as I got.
posted by Splunge at 4:42 PM on February 21, 2012 [9 favorites]
Barbra Streisand looks like an awkward highschool student at the prom or something. So weird.
posted by delmoi at 4:45 PM on February 21, 2012
posted by delmoi at 4:45 PM on February 21, 2012
In that second Stresiand pic, is that Elliott Fucking Gould behind her?
(and yeah I agree this guys a douche, but the Police Gazette is still an interesting artifact)
posted by jonmc at 4:45 PM on February 21, 2012
(and yeah I agree this guys a douche, but the Police Gazette is still an interesting artifact)
posted by jonmc at 4:45 PM on February 21, 2012
The author's photo makes me think that, if the Police Gazette was still around, he'd be writing for it rather than laughing at its horribleness. Regardless, that was an interesting introduction to a bizarre artifact of "journalism." Yellow journalism, indeed.
posted by asnider at 4:48 PM on February 21, 2012
posted by asnider at 4:48 PM on February 21, 2012
Ugh, fuck Seanbaby. Your "edgy" shit is old and unfunny.
Check out this article where he takes a bunch of sucky content from the 80s, and posts it on cracked. The result: Sucky content still sucks, and is boring. Yet he manages to drag it out for two pages.
posted by delmoi at 4:50 PM on February 21, 2012
Check out this article where he takes a bunch of sucky content from the 80s, and posts it on cracked. The result: Sucky content still sucks, and is boring. Yet he manages to drag it out for two pages.
posted by delmoi at 4:50 PM on February 21, 2012
also, I was unaware of this seanbaby person's existence until this thread, FWIW
posted by jonmc at 4:51 PM on February 21, 2012
posted by jonmc at 4:51 PM on February 21, 2012
If people don't know who Sean Baby is, this is the first thing on the internet that made me laugh so hard i cried.
Here is Seanbaby telling the story of him and the Old Man Murray (Chet and Erik, who went on to write portal) at E3 in 2000.
posted by empath at 4:53 PM on February 21, 2012
Here is Seanbaby telling the story of him and the Old Man Murray (Chet and Erik, who went on to write portal) at E3 in 2000.
posted by empath at 4:53 PM on February 21, 2012
I was all like 'Yay Cracked is continuing to look make fun of actually terrible things and being relevant even if its not perfect!' and then I got to the egregious black face.
And this is why I still don't read Cracked.
posted by Blasdelb at 4:55 PM on February 21, 2012
And this is why I still don't read Cracked.
posted by Blasdelb at 4:55 PM on February 21, 2012
Yeah, the knowing, winking misogyny in the article itself was fucking obnoxious.
posted by clockzero at 4:55 PM on February 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by clockzero at 4:55 PM on February 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
I'm a big fan of Sean Baby's MMA writing, which can be really funny. His writing is the pinnacle of that style, which can be grating, granted. Also, Cracked seems to be the one non-porn site blocked by my work's firewall, so I didn't RTFA.
posted by Bookhouse at 5:15 PM on February 21, 2012
posted by Bookhouse at 5:15 PM on February 21, 2012
Oh, and if you're curious what the cure for gleet is, according to a little quick search on Citrosandalene Capsule, a digitized Medical Herald on Archive.Org lists the Citrosandalene company as producing a capsule with the following ingredients : MORPHINE, OPIUM, WHISKY
That sounds about right for how I'd want to deal with inflammation of the urethra characterized by a mucopurulent discharge.
posted by zombieflanders at 5:16 PM on February 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
That sounds about right for how I'd want to deal with inflammation of the urethra characterized by a mucopurulent discharge.
posted by zombieflanders at 5:16 PM on February 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
"Freak Wrestling Should Be Outlawed"?
Man, they were waaay off.
Or perhaps I read that wrong.
Is it wrestling a freak? Or some freaks wrestling each other? Or you should freak because wrestling should be outlawed? Is Rick James involved?
I'm really not sure what's going on there without proper punctuation and capitalization.
posted by Smedleyman at 5:26 PM on February 21, 2012
Man, they were waaay off.
Or perhaps I read that wrong.
Is it wrestling a freak? Or some freaks wrestling each other? Or you should freak because wrestling should be outlawed? Is Rick James involved?
I'm really not sure what's going on there without proper punctuation and capitalization.
posted by Smedleyman at 5:26 PM on February 21, 2012
I loved the choices of creepy content fromThe Police Gazette, which is every bit as much of a cesspool as that piece suggests, but feel Seanbaby sort of ruined it with his tired old misogyshtick.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:35 PM on February 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:35 PM on February 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
Smedleyman, my guess is that they were talking about "midget wrestling," i.e., WWE- style wrestling between alcoholic men with dwarfism. Very popular in the 1930s-1950s.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:37 PM on February 21, 2012
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:37 PM on February 21, 2012
johnmc -- Barbra Streisand and Elliott Gould were married.
posted by tzikeh at 5:53 PM on February 21, 2012
posted by tzikeh at 5:53 PM on February 21, 2012
That poor man.
posted by stinkycheese at 5:58 PM on February 21, 2012
posted by stinkycheese at 5:58 PM on February 21, 2012
stinkycheese - I get you're trying to be funny, but considering what this post is about (and maybe take a look at the tags) that was kind of uncalled for.
posted by tzikeh at 6:10 PM on February 21, 2012
posted by tzikeh at 6:10 PM on February 21, 2012
If you drew the same bear screaming as it passed her overbust corset and face bones,
/Nic Cage scream
What is this. What is it! WHAT IS IT!
posted by angrycat at 6:12 PM on February 21, 2012
/Nic Cage scream
What is this. What is it! WHAT IS IT!
posted by angrycat at 6:12 PM on February 21, 2012
*reads tags*
...Misogyny, Woman hating, I'm guessing?
Is it really woman hating to speculate that being married to Barbra Streisand would be a lamentable affair? Really? It's naught to do with her being female, she just seems so utterly self-obsessed. It would have been hunky dory if I'd been having a go at Elliott Gould and said, "that poor woman"?
In any case, I apologize sincerely if I gave offense.
posted by stinkycheese at 6:19 PM on February 21, 2012
...Misogyny, Woman hating, I'm guessing?
Is it really woman hating to speculate that being married to Barbra Streisand would be a lamentable affair? Really? It's naught to do with her being female, she just seems so utterly self-obsessed. It would have been hunky dory if I'd been having a go at Elliott Gould and said, "that poor woman"?
In any case, I apologize sincerely if I gave offense.
posted by stinkycheese at 6:19 PM on February 21, 2012
Barbra Steisand is in a long and happy marriage with James Brolin, so obviously not everyone hates being married to her. She and Gould have a son together, Jason Gould, and when Gould senior and Streisand are photographed together at their son's events they seem quite amicable.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:24 PM on February 21, 2012
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:24 PM on February 21, 2012
Can we get a trigger warning for Barbara Streisand?
posted by Dark Messiah at 6:26 PM on February 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by Dark Messiah at 6:26 PM on February 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
SHOW ME ON THE DOLL WHERE BARBRA STREISAND TOUCHED YOU AND SUDDENLY NOTHING, NOTHING WAS THE SAME
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:59 PM on February 21, 2012
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:59 PM on February 21, 2012
The article itself was shit, but the picture of CARL PONS AND HIS WIFE, challenging anyone in the world to a greco-roman wrestling match, is amazing.
posted by moss at 7:09 PM on February 21, 2012
posted by moss at 7:09 PM on February 21, 2012
Every once in a while Cracked puts up something really good and it gets posted here and a bunch of us go "Oh wow! Cracked is full of good writing! Who knew?" and then go back to ignoring it.
After reading this, I feel a bit more justified in ignoring it again.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:48 PM on February 21, 2012
After reading this, I feel a bit more justified in ignoring it again.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:48 PM on February 21, 2012
Seanbaby's shtick tends to piss me off too, except for that on occasion he will write a line that to me, at the moment, feels like the funniest thing that has ever been written down. He can be very funny, but his style goes against what cracked normally goes for now (i.e. Seanbaby goes for homophobic and mysogynist shit by instinct while the rest of cracked is pulling away from that.)
Still, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt on this one, since I'm charitable like that and a third of this article was literally "WTF misogynists?" Still, there are much better writers over there.
posted by Navelgazer at 7:53 PM on February 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Still, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt on this one, since I'm charitable like that and a third of this article was literally "WTF misogynists?" Still, there are much better writers over there.
posted by Navelgazer at 7:53 PM on February 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Seanbaby is known for being Seanbaby. I'd like to think that he's writing for a certain audience and is indeed expected to be the homophobic, misogynistic guy. I know that he can be funny without it. But I truly want to think that he isn't really that guy.
Then I read shit like this and don't care. I won't read trash like this regardless of who wrote it. And I'd rather he got over his childish phase. If that is what it is.
posted by Splunge at 7:59 PM on February 21, 2012
Then I read shit like this and don't care. I won't read trash like this regardless of who wrote it. And I'd rather he got over his childish phase. If that is what it is.
posted by Splunge at 7:59 PM on February 21, 2012
Still, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt on this one, since I'm charitable like that and a third of this article was literally "WTF misogynists?"
So if you're critical enough of misogyny, you buy yourself a dispensation to be misogynist yourself?
Make no mistake: Ugly women should only be used to test the pressure on sewage pipes.
Why is it still okay to write this sort of shit? This is supposed to be funny? For fuck's sake.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 9:14 PM on February 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
So if you're critical enough of misogyny, you buy yourself a dispensation to be misogynist yourself?
Make no mistake: Ugly women should only be used to test the pressure on sewage pipes.
Why is it still okay to write this sort of shit? This is supposed to be funny? For fuck's sake.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 9:14 PM on February 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think it sounds like a few of you might need to check and calibrate your sarcasm detectors.
posted by Mitrovarr at 10:57 PM on February 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by Mitrovarr at 10:57 PM on February 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
Okay, y'all, perhaps we should explain this sloooowly.
The article is mocking a magazine full of crazy misogyny. It repeatedly refers to the magazine as crazy and misogynistic. Got it? Seanbaby knows what misogyny is and thinks it's bad.
Okay, now... This article is meant to be funny. Part of its humor is a device called "hyperbole"---go on, look it up, I'll wait. Another device it uses, which I'm not sure of the term for---those better up on their Latin, feel free to chime in---is writing in which the author mockingly pretends to have the crazy beliefs of the subjects of his mockery, in order to exaggerate those beliefs for comic effect. Still with me?
So when there is a blackface picture, with the caption "If this magazine were being published today, it would look like this." He is saying "This is a bad, bad image, which this bad magazine would think accurately represented American televison." When he writes about using women to stuff sewer pipes, he is saying "This is the kind of crazy, bad thing these crazy, bad people would say."
Got it? Clear?
Fucks sake, I imagine some people here flipped through Dworkin's "Mercy" and thought "My goodness, how could so many feminists approve of a woman who loves rape? Look at how much she talks about it!"
posted by ThatFuzzyBastard at 10:59 PM on February 21, 2012 [10 favorites]
The article is mocking a magazine full of crazy misogyny. It repeatedly refers to the magazine as crazy and misogynistic. Got it? Seanbaby knows what misogyny is and thinks it's bad.
Okay, now... This article is meant to be funny. Part of its humor is a device called "hyperbole"---go on, look it up, I'll wait. Another device it uses, which I'm not sure of the term for---those better up on their Latin, feel free to chime in---is writing in which the author mockingly pretends to have the crazy beliefs of the subjects of his mockery, in order to exaggerate those beliefs for comic effect. Still with me?
So when there is a blackface picture, with the caption "If this magazine were being published today, it would look like this." He is saying "This is a bad, bad image, which this bad magazine would think accurately represented American televison." When he writes about using women to stuff sewer pipes, he is saying "This is the kind of crazy, bad thing these crazy, bad people would say."
Got it? Clear?
Fucks sake, I imagine some people here flipped through Dworkin's "Mercy" and thought "My goodness, how could so many feminists approve of a woman who loves rape? Look at how much she talks about it!"
posted by ThatFuzzyBastard at 10:59 PM on February 21, 2012 [10 favorites]
Note to many in this thread: All In the Family was not a celebration of racism. Also, the movie Starship Troopers was actually a satire that mocked the idea of pre-emptive warfare and jingoist propaganda. Would you like to know more?
posted by dirigibleman at 12:29 AM on February 22, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by dirigibleman at 12:29 AM on February 22, 2012 [4 favorites]
I think it sounds like a few of you might need to check and calibrate your sarcasm detectors.
I think you might want to check and recalibrate your "passing hateful shit off as being comedy because its meant ironically" detector.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 1:14 AM on February 22, 2012 [4 favorites]
I think you might want to check and recalibrate your "passing hateful shit off as being comedy because its meant ironically" detector.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 1:14 AM on February 22, 2012 [4 favorites]
Note to many in this thread: All In the Family was not a celebration of racism. Also, the movie Starship Troopers was actually a satire that mocked the idea of pre-emptive warfare and jingoist propaganda.
Yes. We know. For Chrissakes -- the complaints in this thread are not being made by people who don't get it. You're not making your case merely by condescending to a position that hasn't been expressed.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 1:15 AM on February 22, 2012
Yes. We know. For Chrissakes -- the complaints in this thread are not being made by people who don't get it. You're not making your case merely by condescending to a position that hasn't been expressed.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 1:15 AM on February 22, 2012
Yeah, I used to be a bit put off by some of Cracked's nonsense, but I gleefully read it most days now (was just there, in fact), and it really has gotten better. I credit John Cheese with a lot of it, personally, but Cracked in general seems to be following his lead. However, I won't read Seanbaby articles. I occasionally try, but he's just not *funny*. Two of the four or so of his articles which I have tried to read have included "Fuck you, [name of thing being derided]. Just fuck you." That's not a joke. That's just *lazy*. I suppose he also seems a bit unpleasant in his views, but the crappy writing is what makes me refuse to click. Which is why I have also refused to click on this one. Which is why, I suppose, it is irrelevant and foolish for me to comment here, but I wanted to defend Cracked's general trajectory and stand in solidarity with those who think Seanbaby kinda sucks.
posted by Because at 7:05 AM on February 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Because at 7:05 AM on February 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
Here is the full paragraph:
Every few issues, the National Police Gazette would do an article about a female celebrity who was a 6 or below and try to destroy her. Make no mistake: Ugly women should only be used to test the pressure on sewage pipes. Still, I think it's a bit much to say that Barbra Streisand killed sex in Hollywood. Yes, if you put her near a male baby, its sex glands dissolve, but how many hospitals can she attack in a day? If the National Police Gazette were around today, every cover feature would be Adele: Would This Giant Gal Be So Lonely if She Wasn't So Filled with Ham?
In other words: sure, I'm a misogynist, too, but even I think what this magazine wrote was excessive.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 8:43 AM on February 22, 2012
Every few issues, the National Police Gazette would do an article about a female celebrity who was a 6 or below and try to destroy her. Make no mistake: Ugly women should only be used to test the pressure on sewage pipes. Still, I think it's a bit much to say that Barbra Streisand killed sex in Hollywood. Yes, if you put her near a male baby, its sex glands dissolve, but how many hospitals can she attack in a day? If the National Police Gazette were around today, every cover feature would be Adele: Would This Giant Gal Be So Lonely if She Wasn't So Filled with Ham?
In other words: sure, I'm a misogynist, too, but even I think what this magazine wrote was excessive.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 8:43 AM on February 22, 2012
Note to many in this thread: All In the Family was not a celebration of racism. Also, the movie Starship Troopers was actually a satire that mocked the idea of pre-emptive warfare and jingoist propaganda. Would you like to know more?
OMG, really? Teach me more about this thing you call satire! I can finally see why I was so wrong to deny its existence for all these years!
posted by moss at 8:58 AM on February 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
OMG, really? Teach me more about this thing you call satire! I can finally see why I was so wrong to deny its existence for all these years!
posted by moss at 8:58 AM on February 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
Make no mistake: Ugly women should only be used to test the pressure on sewage pipes.
What the hell does this even mean? I mean, I get that it is misogynist, but I don't understand what the hell it's supposed to actually mean.
posted by asnider at 10:09 AM on February 22, 2012
What the hell does this even mean? I mean, I get that it is misogynist, but I don't understand what the hell it's supposed to actually mean.
posted by asnider at 10:09 AM on February 22, 2012
In other words: sure, I'm a misogynist, too, but even I think what this magazine wrote was excessive.
He intentionally made an absurdly over-the-top misogynistic statement to make the point about how misogynistic the thing he was making fun of was.
posted by empath at 10:19 AM on February 22, 2012
He intentionally made an absurdly over-the-top misogynistic statement to make the point about how misogynistic the thing he was making fun of was.
posted by empath at 10:19 AM on February 22, 2012
He intentionally made an absurdly over-the-top misogynistic statement to make the point about how misogynistic the thing he was making fun of was.
How, precisely, does he make that point? I am not seeing the mechanism by which his misogynistic jokes demonstrates what you claim it demonstrates. But you must see the mechanism, so would you help me out by sharing it?
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 11:10 AM on February 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
How, precisely, does he make that point? I am not seeing the mechanism by which his misogynistic jokes demonstrates what you claim it demonstrates. But you must see the mechanism, so would you help me out by sharing it?
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 11:10 AM on February 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
Hey, you know what the difference is between you saying something misogynist sincerely and you saying something misogynist ironically?
You'll have to tell me, because I can't read your mind.
posted by Pope Guilty at 11:17 AM on February 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
You'll have to tell me, because I can't read your mind.
posted by Pope Guilty at 11:17 AM on February 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
On a totally unrelated note, I thought the Police Gazette was a club being promoted by Stefon on Weekend News Update. Nope.
posted by onlyconnect at 2:00 PM on February 22, 2012
posted by onlyconnect at 2:00 PM on February 22, 2012
As far as Cracked articles go, I've found Jacopo della Querica to be the most dependably interesting article writer there - probably because he does a lot of history-based stuff.
posted by stinkycheese at 4:10 PM on February 22, 2012
posted by stinkycheese at 4:10 PM on February 22, 2012
Splunge: Seanbaby is known for being Seanbaby. I'd like to think that he's writing for a certain audience and is indeed expected to be the homophobic, misogynistic guy. I know that he can be funny without it. But I truly want to think that he isn't really that guy.
Maybe we could have a whip-around for a fruit basket and attach a note gently suggesting that he find a new shtick after having worked the current one for over a decade.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:28 AM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
Maybe we could have a whip-around for a fruit basket and attach a note gently suggesting that he find a new shtick after having worked the current one for over a decade.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:28 AM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
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posted by OnTheLastCastle at 4:04 PM on February 21, 2012