Not really a funyun, either
February 26, 2013 11:05 AM   Subscribe

There are so many real news articles that sound as if they should be articles in the Onion that they got their own site.

Today's front page includes links to articles about the Onion's apology to Quvenzhané Wallis, as well as former Onion staffers' mocking of said apology on Adult Swim's ThingX site.
posted by Halloween Jack (26 comments total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
Arizona.... Arizona.... can... prosecute you... for DUI... if you're not actually high? Is this real life?
posted by WidgetAlley at 11:12 AM on February 26, 2013

Weird, it's like the General Discussion forum on the hockey msg board I frequent got its own site.
posted by mannequito at 11:12 AM on February 26, 2013

Arizona.... Arizona.... can... prosecute you... for DUI... if you're not actually high? Is this real life?
…The case stems from a 2010 traffic stop in Maricopa County. The motorist's blood test revealed only a chemical compound that is found in the blood after another compound produced from ingesting marijuana breaks down.

According to testimony by a prosecution criminalist, the compound found in the man's blood doesn't impair the ability to drive but can remain detectable for four weeks.

…However, the Court of Appeals sided with prosecutors who appealed, saying that allowing the testing for marijuana's active compound would unduly restrict law enforcement.
The ruling does not apply to the state’s 35,000 medical marijuana patients, who are permitted to drive with pot in their systems if they can pass a (flawed) test for impairment.

It sounds more like being cited for illegal drug use than impaired driving, but when they can't get you on murder charges, tax fraud will still keep you in jail.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:26 AM on February 26, 2013 [3 favorites]

Black police officer faces charges for not investigating racial taunts against himself

Is this on there? I hope this is on there.
posted by mazola at 11:27 AM on February 26, 2013

Glowing Ball of Fire in Sky to Warm City, from the Winnipeg Free Press:

Fingers crossed Environment Canada nails it 100 per cent.

The federal weather people don’t see a double-digit minus high through Saturday.

And Monday through Saturday, they say that vaguely-remembered bright orange ball will be in the sky, emitting heat and light.

It’s getting up to -4 C today, with cloud.

But come Monday, it’s to be glorious, utterly glorious. A high of -2 C Monday, and all the way to -1 C Tuesday and -3 C Wednesday.

By Thursday, when the high is only -8 C, we’ll have become irretrievably spoiled.

Attributed to Staff Writer, who deserves a goddamn Pulitzer or whatever they have in Canada that's like a Pulitzer.
posted by Etrigan at 11:36 AM on February 26, 2013 [7 favorites]

Bonus points for "" being spelled out as "the ononeon" in the title.
posted by El Sabor Asiatico at 11:46 AM on February 26, 2013 [1 favorite]

CBrachyrhynchos: I didn't understand that ad. Why is the guy a pig? I'm missing something, but it seems like it would work if it was just a guy.
posted by Sleeper at 12:17 PM on February 26, 2013

Arizona.... Arizona.... can... prosecute you... for DUI... if you're not actually high? Is this real life?

From the article:

"The case stems from a 2010 traffic stop in Maricopa County"

This is my "America's Toughest Sheriff strikes again" shocked face.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:19 PM on February 26, 2013 [3 favorites]

Be sure to try out the navigation links.
posted by Brocktoon at 12:32 PM on February 26, 2013

Why is the guy a pig?

Maxwell the Pig is a running joke and one of their brand mascots (following the Cavemen and the Gecko). As is usual with Geico, the mascot has outlived the punchline that spawned him.
posted by CBrachyrhynchos at 12:41 PM on February 26, 2013

Science/tech link leads to Institute for Creation Research.
posted by haldane at 12:41 PM on February 26, 2013

Oh man. We've played the "CNN or Onion?" game on an IRC channel for more than 10 years. Someone posts a headline and asks that question, which is rhetorical, because the answer is always CNN.
posted by zsazsa at 12:45 PM on February 26, 2013 [1 favorite]

It's been 4 years since I've done it, because it was a depressing hobby, but I used to collect headlines like this. Here are some:

Grieving family buries someone else's body
Wrong body buried
Couple ripped off mob, got whacked
Casino implodes in way-cool glitzy fashion
Naked men enter store, calmly buy Skittles (video)
For rent: Sex offenders, killers welcome
Traffic cop busts a move
Snake mistakes golf balls for eggs, eats 'em
Topless photos of wreck victim
Suspected killers -- beware of these guys
Miss America pageant mocks contestants

Good times.
posted by mcstayinskool at 12:54 PM on February 26, 2013 [2 favorites]

The Arizona thing does not surprise me... I'm going to relay a nightmare of a story about what someone very close to me had to go through here in Texas. I've pressed him to go to the media but he just wants to forget the entire thing or wait until he's off probation.

This guy was was pulled over around 2am for going down a one-way street the wrong way. He had only 3 beers (even showed them his receipt) that night and ended up passing the breathalyzer but failed the physical test. The guy is pretty uncoordinated.

They decided to take him to jail and tow his car saying he was obviously under the influence of something and taunted him, trying to get him to lash out which he did not. He got there and was given his driver's license back and was told he was free to go by a clerk. Then the arresting officer took it back. He spent the night there, joking that he used a baloney sandwich as a pillow. He was then transferred from the drunk tank to jail, and was denied access to his cell phone to call anyone as he did not remember anyone's information (good lesson to learn in the future kiddos).

Having no idea why he was now in JAIL, he made friends with other jailmates, crying that he was worried about his cat at home not getting fed. Two of the people were being released that day and he asked them to go to the bar he was at a few nights ago and let the bartender know where he was so that he could relay it to his friends (this is a neighborhood joint where everyone knows everyone). News spreads around that this guy is in jail and eventually gets to his boss, who bails him out. This guy ended up getting probation for a DUI mainly because he didn't get a better lawyer.

In total - 4 nights in prison for turning the wrong way on a one-way street, sober in the eyes of the law. Could there have been more to the story? Sure... but the stories I've heard from other people are just as creepy and terrible.
posted by hillabeans at 12:59 PM on February 26, 2013

Surely I'm not the only one who initially misinterpreted "Man arrested for releasing helium balloon with his girlfriend".
posted by jeudi at 1:20 PM on February 26, 2013

And in a similar vein, regret the error is a website that documents funny newspaper corrections.

The Best (and Worst) Media Errors and Corrections of 2012

A column by Glenn Garvin on Dec. 20 stated that the National Science Foundation “funded a study on Jell-O wrestling at the South Pole.” That is incorrect. The event took place during off-duty hours without NSF permission and did not involve taxpayer funds.
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 1:23 PM on February 26, 2013

This seems more like a generic 'weird news' site and lacks the mix of existential terror and banality real Onion articles have.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 1:41 PM on February 26, 2013

Appears to be a portal to this subreddit.
posted by dhartung at 1:47 PM on February 26, 2013 [1 favorite]

BBC's science section is also great for these. Some of the headlines I've saved include:

Dead birds found to be 'drunk'
US stores evacuated as bear shops
Frozen Colorado cows may be blown up
posted by capricorn at 2:10 PM on February 26, 2013

I asked this question a while back. Was depressing.
posted by curuinor at 2:26 PM on February 26, 2013

I have a new favorite site....
posted by Nanukthedog at 2:38 PM on February 26, 2013

I guess because nobody would eat a "sadyun"?
posted by boo_radley at 3:13 PM on February 26, 2013

Then there's Florida Man.
posted by adamg at 6:21 PM on February 26, 2013 [1 favorite]

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