Guess who?

August 19, 2013 1:29 PM

The Mountain Goats' John Darnielle lists his favorite every metal song for every conceivable occasion.
posted by MisantropicPainforest (40 comments total)

Spoiler Alert: It's Danzigs all the way down.
posted by sparklemotion at 1:32 PM on August 19, 2013 [11 favorites]

List was a little short...
posted by stenseng at 1:36 PM on August 19, 2013 [3 favorites]

You're wondering how truthful the various parts of the body are...
posted by ignignokt at 1:51 PM on August 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

See also John's Thirty Short Poems About My Favorite Black Metal Band series on Last Plane to Jakarta (they're all about Drastus).
posted by jason_steakums at 1:54 PM on August 19, 2013 [3 favorites]

stenseng: "List was a little short..."

like glenn, hur hur
posted by vanar sena at 1:55 PM on August 19, 2013 [11 favorites]

So I guess Pitchfork sent John Darnielle a set of lazy prompts hoping he would write the article for them by spending a lot of type carefully picking and explaining song choices. But instead he just picked a random Danzig song for each one and made fun of their questions with a bunch of short non-answers. And Pitchfork posted it anyway.
posted by burnmp3s at 1:57 PM on August 19, 2013 [7 favorites]

Meanwhile on John Darnielle's tumblr, a screed about pop music
posted by Doleful Creature at 2:02 PM on August 19, 2013 [6 favorites]

This list is O.K., I suppose, but it could really use some more Danzig.
posted by infinitywaltz at 2:04 PM on August 19, 2013 [4 favorites]

On a related note, crap, John Darnielle has a Tumblr, with something like 60 pages worth of John Darnielle writing about stuff. So much for anything I'd planned on trying to accomplish today.
posted by infinitywaltz at 2:16 PM on August 19, 2013 [2 favorites]

sure, why not

You’re lifting weights at the gym...
"Stay Here" by Swans

You’re settling down for some light reading...
"In My Garden" by Swans

You find a $20 bill on the sidewalk...
"New Mind" by Swans

You’re waiting for the results of an important medical test...
"Blood and Honey" by Swans

You’re home sick with the flu...
"Fool" by Swans

You’re throwing a dinner party...
"Children of God" by Swans

You’re working a shitty data entry job that allows you to wear headphones...
"Time Is Money (Bastard)" by Swans

You just heard that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez broke up...
"Nobody" by Swans

You’re DJing your best friend’s wedding...
"A Screw" by Swans

You just got home on Friday night and you’re super drunk...
"Big Strong Boss" by Swans

You show up to what you think is a costume party dressed as Cookie Monster but the party is actually a wake for a police officer...
"Cop" by Swans

You just drank milk that expired, even though you knew it was expired, just to see how bad it really tasted...
"Anything for You" by Swans

You’re at the beach with a boombox...
"Thank You" by Swans

You’re in the middle of a 16-hour plane ride...
"Young God" by Swans

A meteor is about to destroy the earth...
"Our Love Lies" by Swans

You’re walking through a snowstorm...
"Heaven" by Swans

You’re playing your child music for the first time...
"Blackmail" by Swans
posted by DaDaDaDave at 2:22 PM on August 19, 2013 [19 favorites]

That's...a lot of Danzig.
posted by pxe2000 at 2:32 PM on August 19, 2013

You're in any situation ever experienced by a human being...
"What's a Little Reign?" by The Fucking Champs
posted by helicomatic at 2:41 PM on August 19, 2013 [4 favorites]

You are in a non-human experience
"These glyphs are dusty" or "Thor is, like, Totally Immortal" by The Fucking Champs
posted by freebird at 2:47 PM on August 19, 2013 [3 favorites]

I bet this was a bit of catharsis considering how many die-hard Mountain Goats fans would write (and have written) lists like this that are John all the way down.
posted by jason_steakums at 2:48 PM on August 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

DaDaDaDave's list is easily better than any other list I have encountered this year. That said, quite a few daily activities are more usefully accompanied by "Failure" by Swans.
posted by turbid dahlia at 2:54 PM on August 19, 2013

Is this, like, a meme thing? Is it now the cool and hilarious thing to put Danzig in every possible situation, like bacon or Sad Keanu or Unimpressed McKayla Maroney? Because I'm okay with that.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:04 PM on August 19, 2013

You have a new girlfriend
Detox by Strapping Young Lad

You had a row with your girlfriend
As above.

You broke up with your girlfriend
Any record featuring the vocalist Ronnie James Dio Detox by Strapping Young Lad
posted by vanar sena at 3:18 PM on August 19, 2013 [2 favorites]

If I had to pick one all-purpose metal song, I think I'd go with "Rainbow in the Dark" by Dio.
posted by Bookhouse at 3:34 PM on August 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

You’re waiting for the results of an important medical test...

You’re home sick with the flu...

There's only one right answer. Half-men, half-machines don't bother with the flu or with medical results.
posted by ersatz at 3:41 PM on August 19, 2013

Here I was hoping that he actually put some effort into the list and had some varying taste. Instead we get passive aggressive avoidance.
posted by asfuller at 3:56 PM on August 19, 2013

Here I was hoping that he actually put some effort into the list and had some varying taste. Instead we get passive aggressive avoidance.

In fairness, he put way more effort into his answers than Pitchfork did into composing the questions.
posted by Copronymus at 3:59 PM on August 19, 2013 [4 favorites]

This was so disappointing because, while true, not really metal, there was (despite the post title) not one single song from The Guess Who in the entire list. This is why I only listen to dance music these days.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 4:08 PM on August 19, 2013

It makes me sad to know that I've lived long enough for Danzig to be the most awesome metal dude in the universe to a total punch line.
posted by photoslob at 4:12 PM on August 19, 2013

"Thor is, like, Totally Immortal"

It's just "Thor is, like, immortal", no "totally".

I still love the spirit world, but after this I don't think I can continue to love your father.
posted by kenko at 4:30 PM on August 19, 2013

Nobody who enjoys the first 3-1/2 Danzig albums will ever, EVER have to apologize for anything.

My personal favorite songs are 777, Under Her Black Wings, How the Gods Kill, and Twist of Cain.

I think Danzig II: Lucifuge is his best work.

What Glenn Danzig really really really needs to do is to get back with Chuck Biscuits, Eerie Von and John Christ and make a searing Blues based hard rock album that will melt off a pair of whatever is karyotypically appropriate for you to possess.
posted by Renoroc at 5:36 PM on August 19, 2013 [3 favorites]

I only know Darnielle through his South Pole Dispatch column in Decibel Magazine. So to me he's a slightly demented humorist with some sort of folksy musical side project. And this fits right into that characterization.
posted by Existential Dread at 7:07 PM on August 19, 2013

But what should I listen to while reading this list? I'm lost!
posted by blue_beetle at 7:29 PM on August 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

"Reeling the Liars In" by Swans
posted by DaDaDaDave at 8:04 PM on August 19, 2013 [2 favorites]

Renoroc - I almost completely agree. I like to pretend that Danzig died halfway through making Danzig III, and the second side of the LP was never completed.
posted by skwm at 8:33 PM on August 19, 2013 [2 favorites]

Awww no Misfits?!
posted by Hazelsmrf at 8:41 PM on August 19, 2013 [3 favorites]

I like to pretend that Danzig died halfway through making Danzig III, and the second side of the LP was never completed.

Dude. Side 2 has "Left Hand Black" and "Sistinas". Also Danzig 4 is alright in places... actually, if pressed I'd have to say he didn't totally lose it musically until around Satan's Child ("Thirteen" was pretty great though, one of the songs he wrote for Johnny Cash to perform). But I know most people's tolerance of Danzig doesn't go that far into his catalog, and shit, I can't listen to like 95% of his stuff without being a little drunk and nostalgic.

I was even a booster for 5 while everyone else seems to hate it, but I've always got a soft spot for the flawed oddball albums in someone's back catalog. Not quiiite enough to make me like Black Aria's Casio classical-lite, but still.
posted by jason_steakums at 10:11 PM on August 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

"If I had to pick one all-purpose metal song, I think I'd go with "Rainbow in the Dark" by Dio."

Really? Really? Man, I thought you were TRVEKVLT.
posted by klangklangston at 11:16 PM on August 19, 2013

"Here I was hoping that he actually put some effort into the list and had some varying taste. Instead we get passive aggressive avoidance."

Here I was hoping for a snappy comment that enjoyed the joke or Danzig or both.
posted by klangklangston at 11:18 PM on August 19, 2013

I feel like there are people here who think John Darnielle was joking. Dudes, those songs are all boss as fuck, and perfect for the situations he posted. Yes, Danzig is fucking awesome, and John knows this.

The response to this isn't "Oh, he's kidding." The response to this is "Thank you, John. And more importantly thank you, Glenn."
posted by shmegegge at 11:33 PM on August 19, 2013 [3 favorites]

I will see your Rainbow in the Dark, and raise you with Judas Priests' Victim of Changes.
posted by wittgenstein at 5:38 AM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

You’re in the middle of a 16-hour plane ride...
"Young God" by Swans

C'mon, the obvious answer to this is the title track of The Seer or the entirety of Soundtracks for the Blind. The rules for answering these can be fudged.
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 6:12 AM on August 20, 2013

I just realised that I haven't ever listened to a single Danzig song ever in my life. What's the best Danzig song for somebody listening to a Danzig song for the first time?
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:23 PM on August 20, 2013

Mutha.

(I'm not a huge Danzig fan, so that may be wrong. But it's certainly his best-known song, so if you only know one, you can at least go into a conversation with, "Danzig? That 'mutha' guy who was in the Misfits?")
posted by klangklangston at 4:27 PM on August 20, 2013

I think FPP poster meant to write "favorite heavy metal song for every occasion." At a guess, he left off the 'h' and autocorrect transformed 'eavy' into 'every.'

Forensic spellchecking!
posted by jackbrown at 6:17 PM on August 20, 2013

What's the best Danzig song for somebody listening to a Danzig song for the first time?
Under Her Black Wings off of Danzig II: Lucifuge
posted by Renoroc at 6:28 PM on August 22, 2013